Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED

Translator: Anne Wedege Reviewer: Lars Hansen

Why do we cheat?

Hvorfor er vi utro?

And why do happy people cheat?

Og hvorfor er lykkelige mennesker utro?

And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean?

Når vi siger utroskab, hvad mener vi så helt præcist?

Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room,

Er det tilfældig sex, forelskelse, betalt sex, et chatroom,

a massage with a happy ending?

intimmassage?

Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy,

Hvorfor tror vi, at mænd er utro pga. kedsomhed og frygt for nærhed,

but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy?

og kvinder er utro pga. ensomhed og længsel efter nærhed?

And is an affair always the end of a relationship?

Betyder en affære altid afslutningen på et forhold?

For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe

De sidste 10 år har jeg rejst over hele verden

and worked extensively with hundreds of couples

og arbejdet grundigt med hundredvis af par,

who have been shattered by infidelity.

der er blevet ødelagt af utroskab.

There is one simple act of transgression

Der er én eneste overtrædelse,

that can rob a couple of their relationship,

som kan frarøve et par deres forhold,

their happiness and their very identity: an affair.

deres lykke og hele deres identitet: en affære.

And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood.

Og alligevel er denne yderst almindelige handling meget dårligt forstået.

So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.

Denne tale er for alle, der har elsket.

Adultery has existed since marriage was invented,

Ægteskabsbrud har fundet sted lige siden ægteskab blev opfundet,

and so, too, the taboo against it.

og ligeledes tabu'et omkring det.

In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy,

Faktisk har utroskab en vedholdenhed, som ægteskabet må misunde,

so much so, that this is the only commandment

så meget, at det er det eneste af de ti bud,

that is repeated twice in the Bible:

som er gentaget to gange:

once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it.

én gang for at udføre det, og én gang bare for at tænke på det.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden,

Så hvordan forener vi det, der er forbudt overalt

yet universally practiced?

med det, der praktiseres overalt?

Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat

Historisk set har mænd haft licens til at være utro

with little consequence,

med kun få konsekvenser

and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories

og støttet af biologiske og evolutionære teorier,

that justified their need to roam,

der retfærdiggjorde deres behov for utroskab.

so the double standard is as old as adultery itself.

Så dobbeltmoralen er ligeså gammel som selve ægteskabsbrudet.

But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right?

Men hvem ved, hvad der virkelig foregår under dynen?

Because when it comes to sex,

For når det drejer sig om sex,

the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate,

er mænd pressede til at prale og overdrive.

but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny,

Kvinder er pressede til at skjule det, gøre det mindre og fornægte.

which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries

Det er ikke overraskende set i lyset af, at der stadig er ni lande,

where women can be killed for straying.

hvor kvinder kan blive henrettet for utroskab.

Now, monogamy used to be one person for life.

Monogami plejede at betyde én person hele livet.

Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

I vore dage betyder det én person ad gangen.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

(Applause)

(Bifald)

I mean, many of you probably have said,

Måske har mange af jer sagt:

"I am monogamous in all my relationships."

"Jeg er monogam i alle mine forhold."

(Laughter)

(Latter)

We used to marry,

Vi plejede at gifte os

and had sex for the first time.

og have sex for første gang,

But now we marry,

men nu gifter vi os

and we stop having sex with others.

og slutter med at have sex med andre.

The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love.

Faktum er, at monogami har intet med kærlighed at gøre.

Men relied on women's fidelity

Mænd stoler på kvinders troskab

in order to know whose children these are,

for at kunne vide, hvis børn det er,

and who gets the cows when I die.

og hvem skal have køerne, når jeg dør?

Now, everyone wants to know

Alle vil gerne vide,

what percentage of people cheat.

hvor stor en procentdel, der er utro.

I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.

Jeg er blevet stillet det spørgsmål, siden jeg ankom til denne konference.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

It applies to you.

Det gælder også jer.

But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:

Men definitionen af utroskab bliver ved med at udvide sig:

sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.

Sende sexbeskeder, se porno, hemmelig aktivitet på datingsider.

So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition

Fordi der ikke er nogen generel enighed om definitionen af utroskab,

of what even constitutes an infidelity,

hvad der overhovedet kan kaldes utroskab,

estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent.

vurderes det meget bredt: fra 26 % til 75 %.

But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.

Derudover er vi omvandrende modsætninger.

So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong

95 % af os synes, at det er forkert

for our partner to lie about having an affair,

af vores partner at lyve om at have en affære,

but just about the same amount of us will say

men det samme antal af os vil sige,

that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.

at det er præcis det, vi selv ville gøre, hvis vi havde en.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Now, I like this definition of an affair --

Min yndlingsdefinition på en affære,

it brings together the three key elements:

kombinerer de tre nøgle-elementer:

a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair;

Et hemmeligt forhold, som er kernestrukturen i en affære,

an emotional connection to one degree or another;

en følelsesmæssig forbindelse i større eller mindre grad,

and a sexual alchemy.

og en seksuel kemi.

And alchemy is the key word here,

Kemi er nøgleordet her

because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving,

for det erotiske sus virker sådan, at et kys, man kun fantaserer om

can be as powerful and as enchanting

kan være ligeså livgivende og fortryllende

as hours of actual lovemaking.

som en timelang elskovsakt.

As Marcel Proust said,

Marcel Proust sagde:

it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

"Det er vores fantasi, der er ansvarlig for kærlighed, ikke den anden person."

So it's never been easier to cheat,

Det har aldrig været lettere at være utro

and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

og det har aldrig været sværere at holde på en hemmelighed.

And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.

Og aldrig tidligere har utroskab kostet så dyrt, rent psykologisk.

When marriage was an economic enterprise,

Da ægteskabet var en økonomisk forretning,

infidelity threatened our economic security.

truede utroskab vor økonomiske tryghed.

But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement,

Men nu hvor ægteskabet er bygget på romantik,

infidelity threatens our emotional security.

truer utroskab vor følelsesmæssige tryghed.

Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --

Ironisk set plejede vi at ty til utroskab

that was the space where we sought pure love.

for at finde ægte kærlighed,

But now that we seek love in marriage,

men nu hvor vi søger kærlighed i ægteskabet,

adultery destroys it.

bliver det ødelagt af utroskab.

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.

Der er tre måder, hvor utroskab gør anderledes ondt i vore dage.

We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person

Vi har et romantisk ideal, hvor vi vender os mod ét menneske

to fulfill an endless list of needs:

for at få opfyldt en uendelig række behov:

to be my greatest lover, my best friend,

At være min bedste elsker, min bedste ven

the best parent, my trusted confidant,

den bedste forælder, min fortrolige,

my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.

min følelsesmæssige følgesvend, min intellektuelle ligemand.

And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,

Og jeg er det; Jeg er udvalgt, jeg er unik,

I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,

jeg er uundværlig, jeg er uerstattelig.

I'm the one.

Jeg er den eneste ene.

And infidelity tells me I'm not.

Og utroskab afslører, at det er jeg ikke.

It is the ultimate betrayal.

Det er det ultimative bedrag.

Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.

Utroskab ødelægger den store ambition ved kærlighed.

But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful,

Historisk set har utroskab altid været smertefuld.

today it is often traumatic,

I vore dage er det ofte traumatisk,

because it threatens our sense of self.

for det truer vores selvfølelse.

So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.

Min patient Fernando er martret.

He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.

Han siger: "Jeg troede, jeg kendte mit liv.

I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.

Jeg troede, jeg vidste hvem du var, hvem vi var som par, hvem jeg var.

Now, I question everything."

Nu stiller jeg spørgsmål til alt".

Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity.

Utroskab -- et tillidsbrud, en identitetskrise.

"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.

"Kan jeg nogensinde stole på dig igen?"

"Can I ever trust anyone again?"

"Kan jeg nogensinde stole på nogen?" spørger han.

And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me,

Min patient Heather fortæller det samme

when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.

om sin oplevelse med Nick.

Married, two kids.

Gift, to børn.

Nick just left on a business trip,

Nick er lige taget på forretningsrejse,

and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys,

og Heather spiller på hans Ipad med drengene,

when she sees a message appear on the screen:

da hun ser en besked på skærmen:

"Can't wait to see you."

"Glæder mig til at se dig".

Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other.

"Besynderligt," tænker hun, "vi har lige været sammen."

And then another message:

Og så en ny besked:

"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."

"Glæder mig til at holde dig i mine arme."

And Heather realizes

Og Heather indser

these are not for her.

at beskederne ikke er til hende.

She also tells me that her father had affairs,

Hun fortæller mig også, at hendes far havde affærer,

but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket,

og hendes mor fandt en regning i hans lomme.

and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.

og lidt læbestift på hans krave.

Heather, she goes digging,

Heather begynder at lede,

and she finds hundreds of messages,

og hun finder i hundredvis af beskeder

and photos exchanged and desires expressed.

og udvekslede billeder og udtrykt begær.

The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair

De levende detaljer fra Nicks to år lange affære

unfold in front of her in real time,

udfolder sig for hende lige der.

And it made me think:

Det fik mig til at tænke:

Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.

Affærer i den digitale tidsalder er døden ved tusind knivstik.

But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days.

Vi har også et andet paradoks at slås med i vores tid.

Because of this romantic ideal,

På grund af disse romantiske idealer

we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.

stoler vi loyalt på vor partners troskab.

But we also have never been more inclined to stray,

Men samtidig har vi aldrig været mere tilbøjelige til at være løse på tråden,

and not because we have new desires today,

ikke fordi vi har nye begær i vore dage,

but because we live in an era

men fordi vi lever i en tid,

where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires,

hvor vi føler en ret til at forfølge vores begær.

because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.

For dette er en kultur, hvor jeg fortjener at være lykkelig.

And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy,

Hvis vi plejede at blive skilt, fordi vi var ulykkelige,

today we divorce because we could be happier.

bliver vi i dag skilt, fordi vi kunne blive lykkeligere.

And if divorce carried all the shame,

Hvis en skilsmisse engang var skamfuldt,

today, choosing to stay when you can leave

så er dét at blive, hvis man kan gå,

is the new shame.

vor tids nye skam

So Heather, she can't talk to her friends

Det betyder, at Heather ikke kan tale med sine venner om det.

because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick,

Hun er bange for, at de vil dømme hende, fordi hun stadig elsker Nick.

and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice:

Alle hun taler med, giver det samme råd:

Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.

"Forlad ham. Smid hunden på gaden."

And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation.

Hvis det var omvendt, ville Nick være i samme situation.

Staying is the new shame.

At blive er den nye skam.

So if we can divorce,

Så hvis vi kan blive skilt,

why do we still have affairs?

hvorfor har vi så stadig affærer?

Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats,

Den typiske antagelse er, at hvis den anden er utro,

either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.

er der enten noget galt i forholdet eller med en selv.

But millions of people can't all be pathological.

Men millioner af mennesker kan ikke være så ulogiske.

The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home,

Logikken er sådan her: Hvis vi har hvad vi behøver derhjemme,

then there is no need to go looking elsewhere,

er der ingen grund til at søge andre steder.

assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage

Vi tror, at der eksisterer et perfekt ægteskab

that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

som vil gøre os immune overfor utroskab.

But what if passion has a finite shelf life?

Men hvad nu hvis passion har en begrænset holdbarhed?

What if there are things that even a good relationship

Hvad nu, hvis der er ting, som selv et godt forhold

can never provide?

aldrig kan give?

If even happy people cheat,

Når selv lykkelige mennesker er utro,

what is it about?

hvad handler det så om?

The vast majority of people that I actually work with

Størstedelen af de mennesker, jeg arbejder med

are not at all chronic philanderers.

er ikke promiskuøse.

They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs,

De tror ofte på monogami

and at least for their partner.

især for deres partners vedkommende,

But they find themselves in a conflict

men de oplever en konflikt

between their values and their behavior.

mellem deres værdier og deres handlinger.

They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades,

Ofte har de været trofaste i årtier,

but one day they cross a line

men en dag krydser de grænsen,

that they never thought they would cross,

som de aldrig havde troet, de ville krydse

and at the risk of losing everything.

med risiko for at miste alt,

But for a glimmer of what?

for et glimt af... hvad?

Affairs are an act of betrayal,

Affærer er bedrag,

and they are also an expression of longing and loss.

og de er også udtryk for længsler og tab.

At the heart of an affair, you will often find

I hjertet af en affære vil man ofte finde en længsel

a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection,

efter en følelsesmæssig forbindelse,

for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity,

efter fornyelse, frihed, autonomi, seksuel intensitet,

a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves

et ønske om at genfinde forsvundne dele af os selv

or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

eller et forsøg på at genskabe vitaliteten midt i tab og tragedie.

I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya,

En anden af mine patienter, Priya,

who is blissfully married,

er lykkeligt gift,

loves her husband,

elsker sin mand

and would never want to hurt the man.

og ville aldrig såre ham.

But she also tells me

Men hun fortæller også

that she's always done what was expected of her:

at hun altid har gjort det, der forventes af hende:

good girl, good wife, good mother,

Artig pige, god hustru, god mor,

taking care of her immigrant parents.

tager sig af sine immigrant-forældre.

Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard

Så faldt hun for manden, der fjernede et væltet træ fra hendes have

after Hurricane Sandy.

efter orkanen Sandy.

And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.

Med sin lastbil og sine tatoveringer er han det stik modsatte af hende.

But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had.

Som 47-årig var hendes affære et udtryk for den ungdom hun aldrig havde haft.

And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another,

Hendes historie pointerer for mig, at når vi søger en andens blik,

it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from,

er det ikke altid vor partner, som vi vender os bort fra,

but the person that we have ourselves become.

men fra den person, vi selv er blevet.

And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person,

Det handler ikke om, at vi leder efter en anden person,

as much as we are looking for another self.

men at vi leder efter en anden version af os selv.

Now, all over the world,

Over hele verden,

there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.

er der én sætning som de, der har affærer, altid siger.

They feel alive.

De føler sig levende.

And they often will tell me stories of recent losses --

De beretter ofte om nylige tab,

of a parent who died,

om en forælder, der døde

and a friend that went too soon,

eller en ven der er gået for tidligt bort.

and bad news at the doctor.

om dårlige nyheder hos lægen.

Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair,

Død og dødelighed gemmer sig ofte i skyggen af en affære.

because they raise these questions.

For de rejser spørgsmålene:

Is this it? Is there more?

Er det det? Er der mere?

Am I going on for another 25 years like this?

Skal jeg fortsætte 25 år mere sådan her?

Will I ever feel that thing again?

Kommer jeg nogensinde til at føle DET igen?

And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions

Jeg tror, disse spørgsmål er drivkraften,

are the ones that propel people to cross the line,

der får folk til at gå over grænsen,

and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness,

og at nogle affærer er forsøg på at gøre op med det triste liv,

in an antidote to death.

en slags modgift mod døden.

And contrary to what you may think,

I modsætning til hvad I måske tror,

affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire:

handler affærer mindre om sex og meget mere om begær.

desire for attention, desire to feel special,

Begæret efter opmærksomhed, ønsket om at føle sig særlig

desire to feel important.

at føle sig betydningsfuld.

And the very structure of an affair,

I selve affærens natur er

the fact that you can never have your lover,

det faktum at du aldrig kan få din elskede,

keeps you wanting.

og det holder liv i længslen.

That in itself is a desire machine,

Det er i sig selv en begærsmaskine,

because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,

for ufuldstændigheden, tvetydigheden,

keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

får dig til at ønske det, du ikke kan få.

Now some of you probably think

Nu tænker nogle af jer måske

that affairs don't happen in open relationships,

at affærer ikke forekommer i åbne forhold,

but they do.

men det gør de.

First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same

Primært fordi samtalen om monogami ikke er den samme

as the conversation about infidelity.

som samtalen om utroskab,

But the fact is that it seems that even when we have

Selvom vi har frihed til

the freedom to have other sexual partners,

at have andre seksuelle partnere,

we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden,

er vi stadig tiltrukket af det forbudte,

that if we do that which we are not supposed to do,

for når vi gør det, vi ikke burde

then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.

føler vi for alvor, at vi gør det, vi vil.

And I've also told quite a few of my patients

Jeg har også fortalt mange af mine patienter

that if they could bring into their relationships

at hvis de kunne tilføre deres forhold

one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve

blot en tiendedel af den dristighed, fantasi og energi

that they put into their affairs,

som de lægger i deres affærer,

they probably would never need to see me.

behøvede de næppe at se mig.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

So how do we heal from an affair?

Så hvordan kommer vi os over en affære?

Desire runs deep.

Begær stikker dybt.

Betrayal runs deep.

Svigt stikker dybt.

But it can be healed.

Men det kan helbredes.

And some affairs are death knells

Nogle affærer er blot dødsstødet

for relationships that were already dying on the vine.

til forhold, der allerede var døende.

But others will jolt us into new possibilities.

Mens andre vil kaste os ud i nye muligheder.

The fact is, the majority of couples

Faktum er, at størstedelen af par,

who have experienced affairs stay together.

der har affærer, bliver sammen.

But some of them will merely survive,

Nogle vil kun lige overleve,

and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.

mens andre vil kunne vende krisen til en mulighed.

They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience.

De vil kunne vende det til en livgivende erfaring.

And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner,

Og endda mest for den svigtede partner

who will often say,

som ofte siger:

"You think I didn't want more?

"Troede du ikke, at jeg ville have mere?

But I'm not the one who did it."

Men det var ikke mig, der gjorde det."

But now that the affair is exposed,

Men nu, hvor affæren er afsløret,

they, too, get to claim more,

vil de også kræve mere

and they no longer have to uphold the status quo

og behøver ikke længere at bevare status quo,

that may not have been working for them that well, either.

som måske heller ikke har været god for dem.

I've noticed that a lot of couples,

Jeg har bemærket, at mange par

in the immediate aftermath of an affair,

umiddelbart efter en affære,

because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order,

på grund af den nye uorden, som faktisk kan føre til en ny orden,

will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness

vil føre dybe samtaler med en ærlighed og åbenhed,

that they haven't had in decades.

som de ikke har haft i årtier.

And, partners who were sexually indifferent

Og partnere, der havde mistet den seksuelle interesse i hinanden

find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious,

bliver pludselig fyldt af grådigt begær,

they don't know where it's coming from.

som de ikke ved hvor kommer fra.

Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire,

Frygten for at miste vil genoplive begæret

and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.

og bane vej for en helt ny sandhed.

So when an affair is exposed,

Så når en affære er afsløret,

what are some of the specific things that couples can do?

hvad kan et par så gøre konkret?

We know from trauma that healing begins

Vi ved fra andre traumer, at helingen begynder,

when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing.

når krænkeren indrømmer deres fejl.

So for the partner who had the affair,

Så for partneren, der havde affæren,

for Nick,

for Nick,

one thing is to end the affair,

er det én ting at afslutte affæren,

but the other is the essential, important act of expressing

men den anden er den væsentlige og vigtige handling at udtrykke

guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.

skyld og anger for at have såret sin kone.

But the truth is

Men sandheden er

that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs

at jeg har bemærket at ret mange af dem, der har været utro

may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner,

føler sig frygteligt skyldige over at have såret deres partner,

but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.

men de føler sig ikke skyldige over selve oplevelsen af affæren.

And that distinction is important.

Den forskel er vigtig.

And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship.

Nick skal stå vagt om forholdet.

He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries.

Han skal opretholde dets grænser.

It's his responsibility to bring it up,

Det er hans ansvar at tage emnet op,

because if he thinks about it,

for husker han at gøre det,

he can relieve Heather from the obsession,

kan han befri Heather fra hendes tvangstanker,

and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten,

og ansvaret for at sikre, at affæren ikke glemmes,

and that in itself begins to restore trust.

og det i sig selv er starten på at genskabe tilliden.

But for Heather,

Men for Heather,

or deceived partners,

eller andre svigtede partnere,

it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth,

er det essentielt at gøre ting, der genskaber en følelse af selvværd,

to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities

At omgive sig med kærlighed og dyrke venner og aktiviteter,

that give back joy and meaning and identity.

der giver glæde, mening og identitet.

But even more important,

Men endnu vigtigere,

is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details --

er det at bremse sin nysgerrighed efter de beskidte detaljer --

Where were you? Where did you do it?

Hvor var I? Hvor gjorde I det?

How often? Is she better than me in bed? --

Hvor ofte? Er hun bedre i sengen end mig?

questions that only inflict more pain,

Spørgsmål som blot påfører mere smerte

and keep you awake at night.

og holder dig vågen om natten.

And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions,

Brug i stedet hvad jeg kalder undersøgende spørgsmål,

the ones that mine the meaning and the motives --

dem der søger efter meningen og motivet

What did this affair mean for you?

Hvad har den affære betydet for dig?

What were you able to express or experience there

Hvad kunne du udtrykke eller opleve der,

that you could no longer do with me?

som du ikke længere kunne med mig?

What was it like for you when you came home?

Hvordan var det for dig at komme hjem?

What is it about us that you value?

Hvad er det ved os, som du sætter pris på?

Are you pleased this is over?

Er du glad for, at det er overstået?

Every affair will redefine a relationship,

Enhver affære vil ændre forholdet,

and every couple will determine

og alle par skal finde frem til

what the legacy of the affair will be.

hvad affærens eftermæle skal være.

But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away.

Men affærer er kommet for at blive. De forsvinder ikke.

And the dilemmas of love and desire,

Og kærlighedens og begærets dilemmaer

they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad,

giver ikke simple svar som sort og hvid, god og dårlig

and victim and perpetrator.

eller offer og krænker.

Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms.

Bedrag kommer i mange former.

There are many ways that we betray our partner:

Der er mange måder, vi bedrager vores partner på,

with contempt, with neglect,

med foragt, med forsømmelse,

with indifference, with violence.

med ligegyldighed eller vold.

Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner.

Seksuelt bedrag er bare én måde at såre en partner.

In other words, the victim of an affair

Med andre ord, offeret for en affære

is not always the victim of the marriage.

er ikke altid offeret i ægteskabet.

Now, you've listened to me,

Nu har I hørt på mig,

and I know what you're thinking:

og jeg ved, hvad I tænker:

She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair.

"Hun taler med fransk accent, hun må være for utroskab"

(Laughter)

(Latter)

So, you're wrong.

Men I tager fejl --

I am not French.

jeg er ikke fransk.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

(Applause)

(Bifald)

And I'm not pro-affair.

og jeg går ikke ind for affærer.

But because I think that good can come out of an affair,

Men fordi jeg tænker, at der kan komme noget godt ud af en affære,

I have often been asked this very strange question:

er jeg ofte blevet stillet dette mærkelige spørgsmål:

Would I ever recommend it?

"Vil du anbefale det?"

Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair

Ser I, jeg ville ikke råde jer til at have en affære,

than I would recommend you have cancer,

mere end jeg ville anbefale jer at få kræft,

and yet we know that people who have been ill

men vi ved dog at dem, der har været syge,

often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective.

ofte får et nyt syn på livet.

The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference

Mange har spurgt mig her på konferencen,

when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against?

da jeg sagde, jeg ville tale om utroskab: "For eller imod?"

I said, "Yes."

Jeg svarede: "Ja!"

(Laughter)

(Latter)

I look at affairs from a dual perspective:

Jeg ser på affærer fra to sider:

hurt and betrayal on one side,

at blive såret og svigtet på den ene side,

growth and self-discovery on the other --

vækst og selvudvikling på den anden.

what it did to you, and what it meant for me.

Hvad det gjorde ved dig, og hvad det betød for mig.

And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair

Så når et par kommer til mig i kølvandet på en affære,

that has been revealed,

der er blevet afsløret,

I will often tell them this:

fortæller jeg dem ofte:

Today in the West,

I vore dage i den vestlige verden,

most of us are going to have two or three relationships

vil de fleste af os have to eller tre forhold,

or marriages,

eller ægteskaber,

and some of us are going to do it with the same person.

og nogle af os har dem med den samme person.

Your first marriage is over.

Jeres første ægteskab er slut.

Would you like to create a second one together?

Vil I skabe ægteskab nr. 2 sammen?

Thank you.

Tak.

(Applause)

(Bifald)