Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED

Prevoditelj: Mladen Barešić Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

Why do we cheat?

Zašto varamo?

And why do happy people cheat?

Zašto varaju i oni koji su sretni?

And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean?

A kad kažemo "preljub", na što točno mislimo?

Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room,

Je li to afera, ljubavna priča, plaćeni za seks, chatanje,

a massage with a happy ending?

masaža sa sretnim završetkom?

Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy,

Zašto mislimo da muškarci varaju iz dosade i straha od intimnosti,

but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy?

a žene iz usamljenosti i želje za intimnosti?

And is an affair always the end of a relationship?

Znači li prijevara kraj veze baš svaki put?

For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe

Zadnjih deset godina putovala sam svijetom

and worked extensively with hundreds of couples

i intenzivno radila sa stotinama parova

who have been shattered by infidelity.

koje je nevjera slomila.

There is one simple act of transgression

Ima jedan jednostavan prijestup

that can rob a couple of their relationship,

koji ljubavni par može stajati veze,

their happiness and their very identity: an affair.

zajedničke sreće, pa čak i samog identiteta - prijevara.

And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood.

No taj iznimno uobičajen čin često se pogrešno tumači.

So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.

Ovaj je govor namijenjen svakome tko je ikada volio.

Adultery has existed since marriage was invented,

Preljubi postoje otkako je brakova,

and so, too, the taboo against it.

a isto toliko dugo postoje i tabui vezani uz njih.

In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy,

Preljub braku daje otpornost vrijednu divljenja,

so much so, that this is the only commandment

to je jedina zapovijed

that is repeated twice in the Bible:

koja se u Bibliji dvaput spominje:

once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it.

jednom kao čin, drugi put kao misao.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden,

Kako pomiriti nešto što je općezabranjeno,

yet universally practiced?

i općeprakticirano?

Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat

Kroz povijest muškarci su gotovo imali dozvolu varati

with little consequence,

uz vrlo malo posljedica

and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories

te imaju mnoštvo bioloških i evolucijskih teorija

that justified their need to roam,

koje opravdavaju njihovu potrebu za skitnjom.

so the double standard is as old as adultery itself.

Dakle, dvostruka su mjerila stara koliko i sam preljub.

But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right?

Ali tko zna što se zaista događa pod plahtama, zar ne?

Because when it comes to sex,

Kad se radi o seksu,

the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate,

od muškaraca se očekuje da likuju i pretjeruju,

but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny,

a od žena da se skrivaju, umanjuju važnost i niječu,

which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries

što i nije tako čudno kad razmislimo o tome da postoji još devet država

where women can be killed for straying.

u kojima se žene ubija zbog prijevare.

Now, monogamy used to be one person for life.

Monogamija je nekoć značila: "jedna osoba do kraja života".

Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

U današnje vrijeme znači: "jedna po jedna osoba".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

I mean, many of you probably have said,

Mnogi od vas vjerojatno su jednom rekli

"I am monogamous in all my relationships."

kako su monogamni u svim svojim vezama.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We used to marry,

Nekoć smo se ženili

and had sex for the first time.

i po prvi put spavali s nekim.

But now we marry,

Sad se ženimo

and we stop having sex with others.

i prestajemo spavati s drugima.

The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love.

Monogamija nije imala veze s ljubavi.

Men relied on women's fidelity

Muškarci su računali na ženinu vjernost

in order to know whose children these are,

kako bi znali čija su djeca

and who gets the cows when I die.

i kome će pripasti krave kad umru.

Now, everyone wants to know

Svi žele znati

what percentage of people cheat.

koliko ljudi vara.

I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.

To me ispituju još otkako sam stigla na ovu konferenciju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

It applies to you.

Ovo se odnosi i na vas.

But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:

Definicija preljuba neprestano se proširuje:

sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.

sexting, pornići, tajno sudjelovanje na portalima za upoznavanje.

So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition

Budući da nema jedinstvene definicije koju svi prihvaćaju

of what even constitutes an infidelity,

o tome što se smatra nevjerom,

estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent.

procjene uvelike variraju od 26 % do 75 %,

But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.

a još smo i hodajuća proturječja -

So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong

95 % nas kaže da je užasno pogrešno

for our partner to lie about having an affair,

da nam partner laže o aferi,

but just about the same amount of us will say

a gotovo isti postotak nas govori

that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.

da bismo i mi radili upravo to kad bismo mi bili ti koji varaju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Now, I like this definition of an affair --

Sviđa mi se ova definicija afere -

it brings together the three key elements:

ujedinjuje tri ključna elementa:

a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair;

tajna veza, koja je ključan dio afere;

an emotional connection to one degree or another;

emocionalna veza određenog stupnja;

and a sexual alchemy.

i seksualna alkemija.

And alchemy is the key word here,

"Alkemija" je ovdje ključna riječ

because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving,

jer su erotski trnci takvi da samo zamišljanje poljupca

can be as powerful and as enchanting

može biti jednako snažno i čudesno

as hours of actual lovemaking.

kao i sati pravog vođenja ljubavi.

As Marcel Proust said,

Kao što je Proust rekao,

it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

za ljubav je kriva naša mašta, a ne druga osoba.

So it's never been easier to cheat,

Nikad nije bilo lakše varati,

and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

a istovremeno nikad nije bilo teže prevaru zatajiti.

And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.

Nikad prije prevara nije imala toliku psihološku cijenu.

When marriage was an economic enterprise,

Kad je brak bio ekonomska računica,

infidelity threatened our economic security.

nevjera je ugrožavala ekonomsku sigurnost,

But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement,

ali otkako je brak romantični dogovor,

infidelity threatens our emotional security.

prijevara ugrožava našu emocionalnu sigurnost.

Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --

Ironično je da je prijevara nekoć

that was the space where we sought pure love.

bila prostor u kojem smo tražili pravu ljubav,

But now that we seek love in marriage,

a otkako ljubav tražimo u braku,

adultery destroys it.

prijevara uništava tu ljubav.

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.

Postoje tri načina na koja prijevara u današnje vrijeme drugačije boli.

We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person

Postoji romantični ideal u kojemu od jedne osobe tražimo

to fulfill an endless list of needs:

ispunjavanje naše beskonačno duge liste potreba:

to be my greatest lover, my best friend,

najbolji ljubavnik, najbolji prijatelj,

the best parent, my trusted confidant,

najbolji roditelj, najveća osoba od povjerenja,

my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.

emocionalni pratilac, intelektualni parnjak.

And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,

To sam ja: izabrana sam, jedinstvena,

I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,

prijeko potrebna, nezamjenjiva,

I'm the one.

ja sam ona prava.

And infidelity tells me I'm not.

A prijevara mi poručuje da nisam.

It is the ultimate betrayal.

To je potpuna izdaja.

Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.

Nevjera uništava veliku ljubavnu težnju,

But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful,

no i kroz povijest oduvijek je bila bolna,

today it is often traumatic,

u današnje je vrijeme nerijetko traumatična

because it threatens our sense of self.

jer ugrožava naš doživljaj sebe.

So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.

Moj pacijent Fernando je pokošen.

He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.

Govori: "Mislio sam da poznajem svoj život,

I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.

da poznajem nju, nas kao par, sebe,

Now, I question everything."

a sada sve preispitujem."

Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity.

Nevjera - narušavanje povjerenja, kriza identiteta.

"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.

Pita se može li joj više vjerovati.

"Can I ever trust anyone again?"

Može li ikome ikada više vjerovati.

And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me,

To mi govori i moja pacijentica Heather

when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.

kada priča svoju priču o Nicku.

Married, two kids.

Vjenčani su, imaju dvoje djece

Nick just left on a business trip,

i Nick je upravo otišao na poslovni put,

and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys,

a Heather se igra s dečkima na njegovom iPadu.

when she sees a message appear on the screen:

Odjednom se na ekranu prikaže poruka:

"Can't wait to see you."

"Jedva čekam da te vidim."

Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other.

Neobično, pomisli, tek smo se vidjeli.

And then another message:

Zatim sljedeća poruka:

"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."

"Jedva čekam da te držim u naručju."

And Heather realizes

I Heather konačno shvati

these are not for her.

da poruke nisu za nju.

She also tells me that her father had affairs,

Ispričala mi je i kako je i njezin otac bio nevjeran,

but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket,

ali majka je pronašla mali račun u njegovu džepu

and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.

i malo ruža na ovratniku.

Heather, she goes digging,

Heather krene kopati,

and she finds hundreds of messages,

pronađe stotine razmijenjenih poruka

and photos exchanged and desires expressed.

i razmijenjenih slika i izraženih želja.

The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair

Jasni detalji Nickove dvogodišnje afere

unfold in front of her in real time,

pred njom se otkrivaju.

And it made me think:

Zamislila sam se nad tim:

Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.

afere u digitalno doba smrt su od tisuća uboda,

But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days.

no postoji još jedan paradoks s kojim se nosimo ovih dana.

Because of this romantic ideal,

Zbog romantičnog ideala

we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.

jedinstvenim žarom oslanjamo se na partnerovu vjernost,

But we also have never been more inclined to stray,

ali sad kao nikad prije imamo nagon lutati,

and not because we have new desires today,

i to ne zato što u današnje vrijeme imamo neke nove želje,

but because we live in an era

već zato što živimo u doba

where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires,

u kojemu smatramo da je naše pravo slijediti svoje želje

because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.

jer je ovo kultura u kojoj zaslužujemo biti sretni,

And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy,

a ukoliko smo se nekoć rastajali jer smo bili nesretni,

today we divorce because we could be happier.

danas se rastajemo jer bismo mogli biti i sretniji.

And if divorce carried all the shame,

Ukoliko je prije rastava bila sramotna,

today, choosing to stay when you can leave

danas je ostajanje u braku unatoč činjenici da možemo otići

is the new shame.

nova sramota.

So Heather, she can't talk to her friends

Heather ne može razgovarati s prijateljima

because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick,

jer se boji da će je osuđivati jer još uvijek voli Nicka,

and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice:

a od svakoga dobiva isti savjet:

Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.

Ostavi ga. Izbaci ga na ulicu.

And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation.

Da je situacija obrnuta, Nick bi se našao u istoj situaciji.

Staying is the new shame.

Ostajanje je nova sramota.

So if we can divorce,

Ukoliko se možemo rastati,

why do we still have affairs?

čemu preljubi?

Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats,

Uobičajena pretpostavka glasi: ukoliko netko vara,

either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.

nešto nije u redu ili s vezom ili s vama,

But millions of people can't all be pathological.

ali radi se o milijunima, ne mogu baš svi biti patološki slučajevi.

The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home,

Logika nalaže: ukoliko kod kuće dobivaš sve što ti treba,

then there is no need to go looking elsewhere,

nema potrebe da tražiš negdje drugdje.

assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage

Pretpostavimo da postoji savršen brak

that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

koji će nas odvratiti od lutanja.

But what if passion has a finite shelf life?

Ali što ako strast ima rok trajanja?

What if there are things that even a good relationship

Što ako postoje stvari koje ni dobra veza

can never provide?

ne može pružiti?

If even happy people cheat,

Ako i sretni ljudi varaju,

what is it about?

u čemu je stvar?

The vast majority of people that I actually work with

Velika većina ljudi s kojima radim

are not at all chronic philanderers.

nisu kronični ženskaroši.

They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs,

To su ljudi koji imaju snažna monogamna uvjerenja,

and at least for their partner.

bar po pitanju svog partnera,

But they find themselves in a conflict

a opet se nađu u konfliktu

between their values and their behavior.

vlastitih uvjerenja i ponašanja.

They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades,

To su često ljudi koji su desetljećima bili vjerni,

but one day they cross a line

ali jednog dana prijeđu granicu

that they never thought they would cross,

za koju nikad nisu mislili da će prijeći

and at the risk of losing everything.

i riskiraju da izgube sve.

But for a glimmer of what?

Za tračak čega?

Affairs are an act of betrayal,

Prijevara je čin izdaje,

and they are also an expression of longing and loss.

ali i izraz čežnje i gubitka.

At the heart of an affair, you will often find

U korijenu prijevare često naiđemo

a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection,

na želju i čežnju za emocionalnom povezanosti,

for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity,

za nečim novim, za slobodom, autonomijom, seksualnim intenzitetom,

a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves

za željom da ponovno pronađemo izgubljeni dio nas

or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

ili pokušaj vraćanja živosti usprkos gubitku i tragediji.

I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya,

Razmišljam o Priyi, još jednoj svojoj pacijentici

who is blissfully married,

koja je sretno udana,

loves her husband,

voli svoga supruga

and would never want to hurt the man.

i nikada ga ne bi povrijedila,

But she also tells me

ali rekla mi je

that she's always done what was expected of her:

da uvijek radi ono što se od nje očekuje:

good girl, good wife, good mother,

dobra djevojka, dobra žena, dobra majka,

taking care of her immigrant parents.

brine za svoje roditelje doseljenike.

Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard

Priya se zaljubila u arborista koji je uklonio drvo iz njezinog dvorišta

after Hurricane Sandy.

nakon uragana Sandy.

And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.

Čista joj je suprotnost sa svojim kamionom i tetovažama.

But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had.

Priyina afera u 47. godini vezana je uz mladost koju nikad nije proživjela.

And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another,

Njezina mi priča pokazuje da kad težimo tuđem pogledu,

it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from,

ne udaljavamo se uvijek od našeg partnera,

but the person that we have ourselves become.

već od osobe koja smo sami postali.

And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person,

Ne radi se toliko o tome da tražimo drugu osobu,

as much as we are looking for another self.

koliko se radi o tome da tražimo drugoga sebe.

Now, all over the world,

Diljem svijeta

there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.

ljudi koji varaju govore mi ovo -

They feel alive.

osjećaju se živo.

And they often will tell me stories of recent losses --

Često mi pričaju o nedavnim gubitcima -

of a parent who died,

o preminulom roditelju,

and a friend that went too soon,

o preminulom prijatelju,

and bad news at the doctor.

o lošim nalazima.

Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair,

Smrt i smrtnost često se nalaze ispod površine prijevare

because they raise these questions.

jer postavljaju određena pitanja.

Is this it? Is there more?

Je li to to? Postoji li nešto više?

Am I going on for another 25 years like this?

Čeka li me još 25 godina ovakvog života?

Will I ever feel that thing again?

Hoću li se ikad više ovako osjećati?

And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions

Zbog toga mislim da su možda ova pitanja

are the ones that propel people to cross the line,

ona koja nas tjeraju da prijeđemo granicu

and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness,

i da su neke afere pokušaj da pobijedimo smrt

in an antidote to death.

protuotrovom.

And contrary to what you may think,

Bez obzira na to što vi mislili,

affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire:

prevare imaju manje veze sa seksom, a puno više sa željom,

desire for attention, desire to feel special,

sa željom za pažnjom, sa željom da se osjećamo posebno,

desire to feel important.

sa željom da se osjećamo važno.

And the very structure of an affair,

Sama struktura prevare,

the fact that you can never have your lover,

činjenica da ne možemo imati ljubavnika

keeps you wanting.

hrani želju.

That in itself is a desire machine,

To je stroj za želju

because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,

koji zbog nedovršenosti, nejasnosti,

keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

hrani želju za onim što ne možemo imati.

Now some of you probably think

Neki od vas vjerojatno misle

that affairs don't happen in open relationships,

da se prevare ne događaju u otvorenim vezama,

but they do.

ali događaju se.

First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same

Kao prvo, priča o monogamiji nije ista

as the conversation about infidelity.

kao i priča o nevjeri,

But the fact is that it seems that even when we have

ali čini se da čak i kad možemo

the freedom to have other sexual partners,

slobodno birati druge seksualne partnere,

we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden,

još nas uvijek mami moć zabranjenog voća.

that if we do that which we are not supposed to do,

Ukoliko napravimo ono što ne bismo smjeli,

then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.

osjećamo se kao da radimo ono što uistinu želimo.

And I've also told quite a few of my patients

Mnogim sam svojim pacijentima rekla

that if they could bring into their relationships

da kada bi u svoje veze unijeli

one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve

desetinu smjelosti, mašte i elana

that they put into their affairs,

koji ulažu u afere,

they probably would never need to see me.

vjerojatno mi ne bi imali potrebu dolaziti.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So how do we heal from an affair?

Kako se oporaviti od prijevare?

Desire runs deep.

Želja je jaka.

Betrayal runs deep.

Izdaja je jaka.

But it can be healed.

Ali može se izliječiti.

And some affairs are death knells

A neke su prijevare posmrtno zvono

for relationships that were already dying on the vine.

vezama koje su već bile na umoru,

But others will jolt us into new possibilities.

no neke će nas druge osvijestiti za neke nove mogućnosti.

The fact is, the majority of couples

Većina parova

who have experienced affairs stay together.

koji su doživjeli prevare ostaju zajedno.

But some of them will merely survive,

Neki od njih jedva prežive,

and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.

a drugi tu krizu pretvore u priliku,

They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience.

to pretvore u proizvodno iskustvo,

And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner,

mislim da je to čak točnije za prevarenu stranu

who will often say,

koja često kaže:

"You think I didn't want more?

"Misliš da ja nisam htio nešto više?

But I'm not the one who did it."

No nisam."

But now that the affair is exposed,

Kad se prijevara otkrije,

they, too, get to claim more,

i oni imaju pravo tražiti više

and they no longer have to uphold the status quo

i više ne moraju održavati status quo

that may not have been working for them that well, either.

od kojeg ionako možda nisu imali neke prevelike koristi.

I've noticed that a lot of couples,

Primijetila sam da jako puno parova

in the immediate aftermath of an affair,

odmah nakon afere

because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order,

zbog tog nereda koji može dovesti do novog reda

will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness

vode duboke, iskrene i otvorene razgovore

that they haven't had in decades.

kakve nisu vodili desetljećima,

And, partners who were sexually indifferent

a partneri koji su bili seksualno ravnodušni

find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious,

odjednom postanu prepuni požude

they don't know where it's coming from.

za koju ne znaju odakle dolazi.

Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire,

Ima nešto u strahu od gubitka što ponovno rasplamsa staru čežnju

and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.

i otvara mjesto nekoj sasvim novoj istini.

So when an affair is exposed,

Kad se afera razotkrije,

what are some of the specific things that couples can do?

što parovi mogu učiniti?

We know from trauma that healing begins

Znamo da oporavak počinje

when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing.

kad počinitelj prizna svoju grešku.

So for the partner who had the affair,

Dakle, partner koji je imao aferu,

for Nick,

Nick,

one thing is to end the affair,

jedna je stvar prekinuti je,

but the other is the essential, important act of expressing

ali od toga je važniji čin izražavanja

guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.

krivnje i pokajanja zbog toga što je povrijedio ženu.

But the truth is

No,

that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs

primijetila sam da se jako puno ljudi koji su prevarili

may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner,

osjeća užasno jer su povrijedili partnera,

but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.

ali ne osjećaju se krivo zbog samog iskustva afere,

And that distinction is important.

a to je važna razlika.

And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship.

Nick mora paziti na vezu.

He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries.

Mora na neko vrijeme postati zaštitnik granica,

It's his responsibility to bring it up,

on ih mora podići

because if he thinks about it,

jer ako malo razmisli o tome,

he can relieve Heather from the obsession,

može umanjiti Heatherinu opsesiju

and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten,

i trud da se prijevara ne zaboravi

and that in itself begins to restore trust.

te samim time početi ponovno uspostavljati povjerenje.

But for Heather,

A za Heather,

or deceived partners,

odnosno za prevarenog partnera,

it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth,

ključno je bavljenje stvarima koje joj vraćaju osjećaj osobne važnosti,

to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities

važno je okružiti se ljubavlju i prijateljima i aktivnostima

that give back joy and meaning and identity.

koje vraćaju radost, smisao i identitet,

But even more important,

ali još je važnije

is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details --

obuzdati znatiželju za traženjem prljavih detalja -

Where were you? Where did you do it?

Gdje ste bili?

How often? Is she better than me in bed? --

Koliko ste to često radili? Je li bolja od mene? --

questions that only inflict more pain,

to su pitanja koja nanose još više boli

and keep you awake at night.

i uzrokuju besane noći.

And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions,

Umjesto toga, bolje je služiti se istraživačkim pitanjima,

the ones that mine the meaning and the motives --

pitanjima koja tragaju za značenjem i motivima --

What did this affair mean for you?

Što ti je značila ova afera?

What were you able to express or experience there

Što si u njoj mogao izraziti ili iskusiti,

that you could no longer do with me?

a što više nisi mogao sa mnom?

What was it like for you when you came home?

Kako bi se osjećao kad bi došao kući?

What is it about us that you value?

Što cijeniš u našoj vezi?

Are you pleased this is over?

Je li ti drago što je gotovo?

Every affair will redefine a relationship,

Svaka će prijevara redefinirati odnos

and every couple will determine

i svaki će par odlučiti

what the legacy of the affair will be.

što će ona ostaviti za sobom.

But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away.

No, prijevare će se i dalje događati, ne idu nikamo,

And the dilemmas of love and desire,

a dvojbe između ljubavi i čežnje

they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad,

ne daju samo jednostavne odgovore, crno - bijele, dobre i loše,

and victim and perpetrator.

žrtve i počinitelje.

Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms.

Izdaja u vezi dolazi u različitim oblicima.

There are many ways that we betray our partner:

Partnera možete izdati na brojne načine -

with contempt, with neglect,

prezirom, zanemarivanjem,

with indifference, with violence.

ravnodušnošću, nasiljem.

Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner.

Seksualna izdaja samo je jedan od načina da povrijedite partnera.

In other words, the victim of an affair

Drugim riječima, žrtva prijevare

is not always the victim of the marriage.

nije uvijek žrtva i u braku.

Now, you've listened to me,

Slušate me

and I know what you're thinking:

i znam što mislite:

She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair.

Ima francuski naglasak, mora da je zagovornica afera.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So, you're wrong.

U krivu ste.

I am not French.

Nisam Francuskinja.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

And I'm not pro-affair.

A nisam ni zagovornica afera.

But because I think that good can come out of an affair,

Ali zato što mislim da iz njih može proizaći i nešto dobro,

I have often been asked this very strange question:

često mi postavljaju ovo neobično pitanje:

Would I ever recommend it?

Biste li je preporučili?

Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair

Ne bih vam preporučila aferu,

than I would recommend you have cancer,

kao što vam ne bih preporučila ni rak,

and yet we know that people who have been ill

a opet znamo da oni koji obole

often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective.

često govore o tome kako im je bolest dala novu perspektivu.

The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference

Glavno pitanje koje mi postavljaju otkako sam stigla na konferenciju

when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against?

kad sam rekla da ću pričati o nevjeri, bilo je - za ili protiv?

I said, "Yes."

Rekoh, "Da."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I look at affairs from a dual perspective:

Na prijevare gledam s dvojne perspektive:

hurt and betrayal on one side,

bol i izdaja na jednoj strani,

growth and self-discovery on the other --

osobni rast i otkriće na drugoj -

what it did to you, and what it meant for me.

kako je to na tebe utjecalo i što je meni značilo.

And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair

Kad mi par dođe nakon afere

that has been revealed,

koja je razotkrivena,

I will often tell them this:

često im kažem ovo:

Today in the West,

U današnje vrijeme, na Zapadu,

most of us are going to have two or three relationships

većina nas imat će dvije ili tri veze

or marriages,

ili braka,

and some of us are going to do it with the same person.

a neki od nas to će učiniti s istom osobom.

Your first marriage is over.

Vaš prvi brak je završen.

Would you like to create a second one together?

Želite li stvoriti i drugi, zajedno?

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)