If I controlled the Internet | Rives

譯者: Pin-hsien Kuo 審譯者: Leonard Lin

I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress

我寫下這首詩是在我聽到一個十分知名的女演員

tell a very well known interviewer on television,

在電視上告訴一個家瑜戶曉的主持人

"I'm really getting into the Internet lately.

「最近我迷上了網路

I just wish it were more organized."

不過我希望它能更加有規律。」

So ...

所以

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

If I controlled the Internet,

如果由我來掌控網路的話

you could auction your broken heart on eBay.

你可以在eBay拍賣你破碎的心

Take the money; go to Amazon;

拿著錢，聯結到亞馬遜網上(網路書店)

buy a phonebook for a country you've never been to -- call folks at random

買一本你從未去過的國家的電話簿，打給不認識的人

until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.

打不停，直到你找到很會用外文調情的人為止

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

If I were in charge of the Internet,

如果由我掌管網際網路

you could Mapquest your lover's mood swings.

你可以查詢你情人的心情動態地圖。

Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied,

暴躁時左轉，沒時間時右轉

U-turn on silent treatment,

冷戰時來個迴轉，

all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'.

一路回到舌吻和美好的戀愛

You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.

每一個情緒路口你都可以導航和理解。

Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan,

有時候我膚淺的跟平底鍋一樣，

but I still stretch miles in all directions.

但我仍朝各個方向延伸好幾哩。

If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com

如果網際網路歸我所有，Napster, Monster and Friendster.com

would be one big website.

會整合成為一個大網站。

That way you could listen to cool music

這樣你就可以邊聽酷酷的音樂

while you pretend to look for a job

然後一邊假裝找工作

and you're really just chattin' with your pals.

但是你其實上是在和朋友聊天。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.

為什不行呢~如果我管網路，你可以寄電子郵件給死人

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

They would not email you back

雖然他們無法回信給你

(Laughter) --

(笑聲)

but you'd get an automated reply.

但你會得到一封自動回覆。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Their name in your inbox

他們的名字在你的收件夾匣出現－

(Laughter) --

(笑聲)

it's all you wanted anyway.

反正你要的不過也是如此。

And a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I miss you.

內容寫著：「喂，是我。我想你。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy.

告訴你，你以後就會知道死亡有多讚。

Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy."

你現在繼續去養孩子、鼓吹和平和渴望糖果吧。」

If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop

如果網際網路是我設計的，童年網會是有關

of a boy in an orchard, with a ski pole for a sword,

一個在果樹園裡的男孩，以滑雪桿為劍，

trashcan lid for a shield, shouting, "I am the emperor of oranges.

垃圾桶蓋為盾，一直喊著：「我是橘子之王。

I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges."

我是橘子之王。我是橘子之王。」

Now follow me, OK?

跟著我的思考方式一起，好嗎？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions.

祖母網，會是餅乾食譜和如何用口水幫孫子清理的教學。

One, two, three.

一、二、三(用口水梳小孩的頭髮)。

That links with hotdiggitydog.com.

這帶入了hotdiggitydog.com。

That is my grandfather.

他是我祖父。

They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad.

他們倆連結你到「臭臉－退休警察－和他的第四次婚姻的爸爸」。

He forms an attachment to

隨帶著的連結是

kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom,

「有點愚蠢－但聖誕節仍然送薑餅的母親」，

who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges,

她下載了在果園裡的男孩，橘子之王，

who grows up to be me --

長大了之後就是我－

the guy who usually goes too far.

一個總是扯太遠的人。

So if I were emperor of the Internet,

所以如果我是網路之王

I guess I'd still be mortal, huh?

我猜我應該還是凡人吧？

But at that point, I would probably

但到時候，我可能

already have the lowest possible mortgage

已經有低到不能再低的房貸

and the most enlarged possible penis

及大到不能再大的”大老二”

(Laughter) --

(笑聲)

so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office.

那麼我會在上班第一天宣布垃圾郵件不需要過濾了。

I wouldn't need it.

因為我不會需要它。

I'd be like some kind of Internet genius, and me,

我會是個網路天才，而我，

I'd like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that --

我希望升級為神人，而或許我就會－

pop! -- I'd go wireless.

碰－我變無線了。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Huh? Maybe Google would hire this.

啥？搞不好谷歌會用我這個主意。

I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus

我能快速穿梭於你的伺服器和防火牆，就像病毒

until the World Wide Web is as wise, as wild and as organized

直到全球資訊網，如此狂野又有規律

as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get, but, ooh-eee,

一如我覺得現今奇蹟/預言之所能及，但，哎呀，

you want to bet just how whack and un-PC

你們要不要賭賭看你們的電腦會

your Mac or PC is going to be when I'm rocking

變得多不電腦化，一旦我掌控了

hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net?

熱門神人的網站？

I guess it's just like life.

我想這就像人生。

It is not a question of if you can --

問題不在於你是否可以。

it's: do ya?

而是，你要嗎？

We can interfere with the interface.

我們可以干涉任何的介面。

We can make "You've got Hallelujah" the national anthem of cyberspace

我們可以立「你有哈雷路亞」為虛擬空間的國歌

every lucky time we log on.

在每一次我們登入的幸運時間

You don't say a prayer.

不用念祈禱文。

You don't write a psalm.

不用寫讚美詩。

You don't chant an "om."

不用唱頌翁。

You send one blessed email to whomever you're thinking of

只要發送一封祈福過的電郵給你想到的任何人

at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com.

在答答啦答答答答啦搭.com。

Thank you, TED.

謝謝，TED。

(Applause)

(掌聲)