If I controlled the Internet | Rives

Prevoditelj: Tilen Pigac - EFZG Recezent: Mislav Ante Omazić - EFZG

I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress

Napisao sam ovu pjesmu nakon što sam čuo kako prilično poznata glumica

tell a very well known interviewer on television,

govori vrlo poznatom spikeru s televizije,

"I'm really getting into the Internet lately.

"U zadnje vrijeme sam stvarno počela koristiti Internet.

I just wish it were more organized."

Kada bi samo bio još organiziraniji."

So ...

Pa --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

If I controlled the Internet,

kada bih ja kontrolirao Internet,

you could auction your broken heart on eBay.

mogli biste licitirati svoje slomljeno srce na eBay-u,

Take the money; go to Amazon;

uzmite novac, odite na Amazon,

buy a phonebook for a country you've never been to -- call folks at random

kupite imenik zemlje u kojoj nikad niste bili i počnite zvati ljude nasumce

until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.

sve dok ne pronađete nekoga tko jako dobro koketira na stranom jeziku.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

If I were in charge of the Internet,

Kad bih ja bio zadužen za Internet,

you could Mapquest your lover's mood swings.

mogli biste MapQuest-ati promjene raspoloženja svog ljubavnika.

Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied,

Stanite s lijeve na mrzovoljan, s desne na prezaposlen,

U-turn on silent treatment,

napravite U-okret na tihom tretmanu,

all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'.

te natrag sve do dobrog ljubljenja jezicima i dobre ljubavi,

You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.

i mogli biste navigirati i shvatiti svako emocionalno raskrižje.

Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan,

Ima dana kada sam plitak kao tava za pečenje,

but I still stretch miles in all directions.

ali i dalje se protežem miljama u svim smjerovima.

If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com

Kad bih ja posjedovao Internet, Napster, Monster i Friendster.com

would be one big website.

bi bila jedna velika web-stranica.

That way you could listen to cool music

Na taj bi način mogli slušati super glazbu

while you pretend to look for a job

dok se pretvarate da tražite posao

and you're really just chattin' with your pals.

a zapravo čavrljate sa svojim prijateljima.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.

Kvragu, kad bih ja upravljao Internetom, mogli biste poslati email mrtvacima.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

They would not email you back

Oni vam ne bi odgovorili -

(Laughter) --

(Smijeh)

but you'd get an automated reply.

ali biste dobili automatski odgovor.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Their name in your inbox

Njihovo ime u vašem pretincu --

(Laughter) --

(Smijeh)

it's all you wanted anyway.

to je sve što ste ionako htjeli.

And a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I miss you.

I poruka koja kaže, "Hej, ja sam. Nedostaješ mi.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy.

Slušaj, vidjet ćeš da je biti mrtav kicoški.

Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy."

Sada se vrati odgajanju djece i pomirenju i žudnji za slatkišima."

If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop

Kad bih ja dizajnirao Internet, childhood.com bi bila petlja

of a boy in an orchard, with a ski pole for a sword,

dječaka u voćnjaku, sa skijaškim štapom kao mačem,

trashcan lid for a shield, shouting, "I am the emperor of oranges.

pokrovom kante za smeće kao štitom, vičući, "Ja sam car naranči.

I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges."

Ja sam car naranči. Ja sam car naranči."

Now follow me, OK?

Slijedite me, OK?

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions.

Grandma.com bi bio recept za kolačiće i upute o pljuvanju-kupanju.

One, two, three.

Jedan, dva, tri.

That links with hotdiggitydog.com.

To se povezuje s hotdiggitydog.com.

That is my grandfather.

To je moj djed.

They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad.

Oni vas vode na osoran-bivši-policajac-na-svoj-četvrti-brak.tata."

He forms an attachment to

On stvara privitak na

kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom,

pomalo-ekscentričnu-ali-još-uvijek-šalje-lomljive-kolačiće-od-đumbira-za-Božić.mama,

who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges,

koje skida dječaka u voćnjaku, cara naranči,

who grows up to be me --

koji izraste u mene --

the guy who usually goes too far.

čovjeka koji uobičajeno ide predaleko.

So if I were emperor of the Internet,

Kada bi bio car Interneta,

I guess I'd still be mortal, huh?

vjerujem da bih još uvijek bio smrtan, ha?

But at that point, I would probably

Ali u toj točki, ja bih vjerojatno

already have the lowest possible mortgage

već imao najnižu moguću hipoteku

and the most enlarged possible penis

i najveći mogući penis --

(Laughter) --

(Smijeh)

so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office.

i na prvi dan u uredu bih već prognao lošu poštu.

I wouldn't need it.

Ne bih je trebao.

I'd be like some kind of Internet genius, and me,

Bio bih kao neka vrsta Internet genija, a ja,

I'd like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that --

bih se volio nadograditi do božanstva i možda samo tako --

pop! -- I'd go wireless.

pop -- postao bih bežićan.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Huh? Maybe Google would hire this.

Ha? Možda bi Google to zaposlio.

I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus

Mogao bih letjeti kroz vaše servere i vatrene zidove poput virusa

until the World Wide Web is as wise, as wild and as organized

sve dok World Wide Web nije toliko pametan, divlji i organiziran

as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get, but, ooh-eee,

kao što ja mislim da bi čudo modernog doba/proročanstvo moglo biti, ali, ooo-iii,

you want to bet just how whack and un-PC

želite se kladiti samo kako će udaren i ne-PC

your Mac or PC is going to be when I'm rocking

vaš Mac ili PC biti kada ja vodim cijelo sranje,

hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net?

svu zabavu na god.net?

I guess it's just like life.

Vjerujem da je to nalik životu.

It is not a question of if you can --

To nije pitanje možete li.

it's: do ya?

Već, jesi li?

We can interfere with the interface.

Možemo interferirati sa sučeljem.

We can make "You've got Hallelujah" the national anthem of cyberspace

Možemo učiniti "Imate Halleluju" nacionalnom himnom kibernetskog prostora

every lucky time we log on.

svaki sretni put kada se ulogiramo.

You don't say a prayer.

Ne kažete molitvu.

You don't write a psalm.

Ne pišete psalam.

You don't chant an "om."

Ne pjevate "om".

You send one blessed email to whomever you're thinking of

Pošaljete jednu blagoslovljenu e-poštu na koga god mislite

at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com.

na "dah da la dat da dah da la dat dot com".

Thank you, TED.

Hvala ti, TED.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)