Lee Mokobe: A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

The first time I uttered a prayer was in a glass-stained cathedral.

Prvi put sam izrekao molitvu u katedrali s vitražnim staklima.

I was kneeling long after the congregation was on its feet,

Klečao sam još dugo nakon što je sva pastva bila na nogama,

dip both hands into holy water,

umočio obe ruke u svetu vodicu,

trace the trinity across my chest,

iscrtao Sveto Trojstvo preko grudi,

my tiny body drooping like a question mark

dok se moje sićušno telo poginjalo poput upitnika

all over the wooden pew.

po čitavoj drvenoj klupi.

I asked Jesus to fix me,

Tražio sam od Isusa da ozdravim

and when he did not answer

i kako mi nije odgovarao,

I befriended silence in the hopes that my sin would burn

sprijateljio sam se s tišinom u nadi da će moj greh sagoreti

and salve my mouth

i tako miropomazati moja usta,

would dissolve like sugar on tongue,

da će se istopiti kao šećer na jeziku,

but shame lingered as an aftertaste.

no sram je ostajao poput zadaha.

And in an attempt to reintroduce me to sanctity,

Pokušavajući da me vrati na put pobožnosti,

my mother told me of the miracle I was,

majka mi je govorila o tome koliko sam čudo,

said I could grow up to be anything I want.

rekla je da mogu da budem šta god poželim kad porastem.

I decided to

Odlučio sam

be a boy.

da budem dečak.

It was cute.

Bilo je simpatično.

I had snapback, toothless grin,

Hitar oporavak, bezubi osmeh,

used skinned knees as street cred,

i oguljena kolena za ulični ugled,

played hide and seek with what was left of my goal.

igrao sam se žmurke sa onim što je preostalo od mog sna.

I was it.

Uspeo sam.

The winner to a game the other kids couldn't play,

Pobednik u igri koju druga deca ne mogu da igraju,

I was the mystery of an anatomy,

misterija anatomije,

a question asked but not answered,

pitanje postavljeno, ali neodgovoreno,

tightroping between awkward boy and apologetic girl,

hodao sam na konopcu od dečaka čudaka do pomirljive devojke,

and when I turned 12, the boy phase wasn't deemed cute anymore.

a kada sam napunio 12, dečačka faza im se više nije činila simpatičnom.

It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,

Sudarala se s nostalgijom mojih tetki kojima su falila moja kolena u seni suknji

who reminded me that my kind of attitude would never bring a husband home,

koje su me podsećale da ovakvim ponašanjem nikada neću dovesti muža u kuću,

that I exist for heterosexual marriage and child-bearing.

da sam stvoren za heteroseksualni brak i da decu rađam.

And I swallowed their insults along with their slurs.

A ja sam gutao njihove uvrede kao i nipodaštavanja.

Naturally, I did not come out of the closet.

Naravno da nisam izašao iz ormana.

The kids at my school opened it without my permission.

Deca iz škole su ga otvorila bez moje dozvole.

Called me by a name I did not recognize,

Zvali su me nepoznatim imenom,

said "lesbian,"

govorili su "lezbejka",

but I was more boy than girl, more Ken than Barbie.

a ja sam pre bio dečak nego devojka, pre Ken no Barbi.

It had nothing to do with hating my body,

Nisam uopšte mrzeo svoje telo,

I just love it enough to let it go,

samo sam ga voleo dovoljno da ga oslobodim,

I treat it like a house,

tretirao ga kao kuću,

and when your house is falling apart,

a kada vam se kuća raspada,

you do not evacuate,

ne bežite iz nje,

you make it comfortable enough to house all your insides,

učinite je dovoljno udobnom da udomite sve svoje iznutrice,

you make it pretty enough to invite guests over,

ulepšate je dovoljno da pozovete goste da svrate,

you make the floorboards strong enough to stand on.

učinite parket dovoljno čvrstim da možete stajati na njemu.

My mother fears I have named myself after fading things.

Moja majka strahuje da sam se nazvao po stvarima koje blede.

As she counts the echoes left behind by Mya Hall,

Dok nabraja ehoe koje su za sobom ostavili Maja Hol,

Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.

Lila Alkorn, Blejk Brokington.

She fears that I'll die without a whisper,

Strepi da ću nečujno da umrem,

that I'll turn into "what a shame" conversations at the bus stop.

da ću postati "kakva šteta" u razgovorima na autobuskim stajalištima.

She claims I have turned myself into a mausoleum,

Tvrdi da sam se pretvorio u mauzolej,

that I am a walking casket,

da sam hodajući kovčeg,

news headlines have turned my identity into a spectacle,

naslovi u vestima su pretvorili moj identitet u spektakl,

Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips while the brutality of living in this body

Brus Džener je na svačijim usnama, dok užasi života u ovom telu

becomes an asterisk at the bottom of equality pages.

ne postanu fusnota na kraju stranice o jednakosti.

No one ever thinks of us as human

Niko nas ne vidi kao ljudska bića

because we are more ghost than flesh,

jer smo pre duhovi nego tela,

because people fear that my gender expression is a trick,

jer se ljudi plaše da je moje ispoljavanje pola trik,

that it exists to be perverse,

da postoji radi izopačenosti,

that it ensnares them without their consent,

da ih na silu hvata u zamku,

that my body is a feast for their eyes and hands

da je moje telo gozba za njihove oči i ruke

and once they have fed off my queer,

i jednom kad se nagoste moje nastranosti,

they'll regurgitate all the parts they did not like.

ispovraćaće sve delove koji im se ne sviđaju.

They'll put me back into the closet, hang me with all the other skeletons.

Odložiće me opet u orman, obesiće me s drugim kosturima.

I will be the best attraction.

Biću najbolja atrakcija.

Can you see how easy it is to talk people into coffins,

Zar ne vidite kako je lako rečima sahraniti ljude,

to misspell their names on gravestones.

pogrešno napisati njihova imena na nadgrobnim pločama.

And people still wonder why there are boys rotting,

A ljudi se i dalje pitaju zašto neki dečaci trunu,

they go away in high school hallways

nestaju u srednjoškolskim hodnicima,

they are afraid of becoming another hashtag in a second

strepe da će postati još jedan haštag u trenu,

afraid of classroom discussions becoming like judgment day

strepe od rasprava u učionicama koje se preokreću u sudnji dan

and now oncoming traffic is embracing more transgender children than parents.

i sada nove struje prigrljavaju transeksualnu decu pre roditelja.

I wonder how long it will be

Pitam se koliko će biti potrebno

before the trans suicide notes start to feel redundant,

da oproštajne poruke transeksualaca postanu suvišne,

before we realize that our bodies become lessons about sin

pre nego što shvatimo da naša tela prvo postaju lekcije o grehu,

way before we learn how to love them.

mnogo pre nego što naučimo da ih volimo.

Like God didn't save all this breath and mercy,

Kao da Gospod nije izbavio sav ovaj dah života i milost,

like my blood is not the wine that washed over Jesus' feet.

kao da moja krv nije vino koje je sapralo Isusova stopala.

My prayers are now getting stuck in my throat.

Molitve mi sad zapinju u grlu.

Maybe I am finally fixed,

Možda sam konačno ozdravio,

maybe I just don't care,

možda prosto ne marim,

maybe God finally listened to my prayers.

možda je Gospod konačno moje molitve uslišio.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)