Lee Mokobe: A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Regina Chu

The first time I uttered a prayer was in a glass-stained cathedral.

我第一次禱告 是在有彩繪玻璃的大教堂。

I was kneeling long after the congregation was on its feet,

會眾起立後我長跪著，

dip both hands into holy water,

雙手沉浸在聖水中，

trace the trinity across my chest,

在我的胸膛畫十字架，

my tiny body drooping like a question mark

我渺小的身體 像個問號般低垂，

all over the wooden pew.

布滿整張木頭座席。

I asked Jesus to fix me,

我祈求耶穌治癒我，

and when he did not answer

當時祂未應許，

I befriended silence in the hopes that my sin would burn

我便與靜默為友， 冀盼我的罪能燒盡、

and salve my mouth

並慰藉我的口，

would dissolve like sugar on tongue,

就像糖在舌上般融化，

but shame lingered as an aftertaste.

但恥辱卻如同餘味 久不散去。

And in an attempt to reintroduce me to sanctity,

為了讓我再次聖潔，

my mother told me of the miracle I was,

我的母親告訴我 有如奇蹟一般的我，

said I could grow up to be anything I want.

長大以後可以隨心所欲。

I decided to

我決定要

be a boy.

當個男孩。

It was cute.

真是可愛。

I had snapback, toothless grin,

我戴鴨舌帽、 滿口無牙咧嘴而笑，

used skinned knees as street cred,

以破皮膝蓋取得街頭信譽，

played hide and seek with what was left of my goal.

逃避現實，遊戲人間。

I was it.

我就是那樣。

The winner to a game the other kids couldn't play,

我是這場遊戲贏家， 其他孩子連玩都不會，

I was the mystery of an anatomy,

我在解剖學中是個謎，

a question asked but not answered,

是個被提出卻無解的問題，

tightroping between awkward boy and apologetic girl,

走在彆扭男孩 與抱歉女孩間的繩索上，

and when I turned 12, the boy phase wasn't deemed cute anymore.

然而來到十二歲， 男孩樣在別人眼中已不再可愛。

It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,

當年我和那念舊的阿姨見面， 惦記我雙膝在裙影下的她

who reminded me that my kind of attitude would never bring a husband home,

提醒我這種態度 永遠都找不到老公，

that I exist for heterosexual marriage and child-bearing.

我的存在是為了 嫁為人婦、懷孕生子。

And I swallowed their insults along with their slurs.

我嚥下他們的冷嘲熱諷、 譏笑辱罵。

Naturally, I did not come out of the closet.

可想而知，我沒有出櫃。

The kids at my school opened it without my permission.

同校的孩子擅自張揚， 而我卻毫不知情。

Called me by a name I did not recognize,

他們用一個我沒聽過的名字叫我：

said "lesbian,"

「蕾絲邊」（女同志），

but I was more boy than girl, more Ken than Barbie.

但我像男孩，而非女孩； 我像肯尼，而非芭比。

It had nothing to do with hating my body,

我不討厭我的身體，

I just love it enough to let it go,

我只是夠愛它， 接受任何模樣的它，

I treat it like a house,

我將身體看做房子，

and when your house is falling apart,

當你的房子垮下，

you do not evacuate,

你沒有就此逃離，

you make it comfortable enough to house all your insides,

你讓它舒適得可以 容納自己內在的一切，

you make it pretty enough to invite guests over,

你讓它漂亮得可以 邀請客人登門拜訪，

you make the floorboards strong enough to stand on.

你讓地板堅固得可以 讓你站穩腳步。

My mother fears I have named myself after fading things.

我的母親害怕 我已認定自己如同已逝之人。

As she counts the echoes left behind by Mya Hall,

她細數（跨性別自殺）何米亞

Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.

李拉赫、卜雷克留下的蜚短流長。

She fears that I'll die without a whisper,

她害怕我會一聲不響離開人世，

that I'll turn into "what a shame" conversations at the bus stop.

我會成為公車站牌下 大家口中的悲劇主角。

She claims I have turned myself into a mausoleum,

她聲稱我已讓自己步入陵墓，

that I am a walking casket,

我是具活棺木，

news headlines have turned my identity into a spectacle,

新聞頭條已將我的身分 塑造為奇人異士，

Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips while the brutality of living in this body

布魯斯．詹納成為話題， 而生在這軀殼內的殘酷現實

becomes an asterisk at the bottom of equality pages.

卻化為一顆星號， 出現在平等頁面的最後一行。

No one ever thinks of us as human

甚至沒有人認為我們也是人，

because we are more ghost than flesh,

因為比起血肉之軀， 我們更像鬼魂，

because people fear that my gender expression is a trick,

因為大家害怕 我的性別表現是個把戲，

that it exists to be perverse,

生來是為了和大家作對，

that it ensnares them without their consent,

不經意地蠱惑人心，

that my body is a feast for their eyes and hands

我的身體是 眾人目光與雙手的饗宴，

and once they have fed off my queer,

一旦他們享盡我的酷兒形象，

they'll regurgitate all the parts they did not like.

就會反芻所有不討喜的部分。

They'll put me back into the closet, hang me with all the other skeletons.

他們會將我放回櫃子， 置身在所有骷髏之間。

I will be the best attraction.

我會成為最引人注目的那一個。

Can you see how easy it is to talk people into coffins,

你可曾發現說服人們踏進棺材、

to misspell their names on gravestones.

在墓碑上寫錯他們的名字 有多麼容易。

And people still wonder why there are boys rotting,

而大家仍疑惑 為何有男孩自甘墮落，

they go away in high school hallways

他們遠離高中大門，

they are afraid of becoming another hashtag in a second

他們害怕轉眼間 成為下一個社群媒體的主題標籤，

afraid of classroom discussions becoming like judgment day

害怕教室裡議論紛紛， 變得像是審判日，

and now oncoming traffic is embracing more transgender children than parents.

而當代潮流是開始擁抱 跨性別孩童，而非家長。

I wonder how long it will be

我疑惑要多久時間才會

before the trans suicide notes start to feel redundant,

讓變性人自殺遺言顯得過於累贅，

before we realize that our bodies become lessons about sin

讓我們了解身體不是罪的教訓，

way before we learn how to love them.

然後學會如何愛身體。

Like God didn't save all this breath and mercy,

就像上帝未曾拯救 我的一絲氣息與憐憫，

like my blood is not the wine that washed over Jesus' feet.

就像我的血液不是 洗淨耶穌雙腳的酒。

My prayers are now getting stuck in my throat.

我的禱告此刻哽在喉中。

Maybe I am finally fixed,

也許我終於被治癒了，

maybe I just don't care,

也許我根本毫不在乎，

maybe God finally listened to my prayers.

也許上帝終於聽進了我的禱告。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）