Lee Mokobe: A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender

翻译人员: Zhiting Chen 校对人员: Xin Yi Teh

The first time I uttered a prayer was in a glass-stained cathedral.

我第一次的祈祷 是在装饰着彩色玻璃教堂。

I was kneeling long after the congregation was on its feet,

会众起身， 我长久地跪着

dip both hands into holy water,

将双手沁入圣水中，

trace the trinity across my chest,

在胸前划着十字，

my tiny body drooping like a question mark

我瘦小的身体低垂 如同一个问号

all over the wooden pew.

在木制的长椅上。

I asked Jesus to fix me,

我请上帝解救我，

and when he did not answer

当他没有回答

I befriended silence in the hopes that my sin would burn

我与寂静为友 希望我的罪恶燃烧

and salve my mouth

我的嘴巴会溶解

would dissolve like sugar on tongue,

就像舌头上的糖，

but shame lingered as an aftertaste.

但是羞耻如同后味般徘徊。

And in an attempt to reintroduce me to sanctity,

在试图重回神圣，

my mother told me of the miracle I was,

我母亲告诉我，我是个奇迹

said I could grow up to be anything I want.

她说我可以成为我想成为的人。

I decided to

于是我决定

be a boy.

成为一个男孩。

It was cute.

这太可爱了。

I had snapback, toothless grin,

我有快速、没牙的笑容，

used skinned knees as street cred,

以脱皮的膝盖作为街头信誉，

played hide and seek with what was left of my goal.

用我所剩下的目标去玩捉迷藏。

I was it.

我曾是这样。

The winner to a game the other kids couldn't play,

我是游戏赢家 其它孩子无法加入这场游戏，

I was the mystery of an anatomy,

我是解剖学的奇迹，

a question asked but not answered,

一个被提出了却又无解的问题，

tightroping between awkward boy and apologetic girl,

我在举止奇怪的男孩和谦虚的女孩间徘徊，

and when I turned 12, the boy phase wasn't deemed cute anymore.

当我12岁的时候， 男孩的阶段不再可爱。

It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts,

怀旧的姑妈想念我裙摆下的膝盖，

who reminded me that my kind of attitude would never bring a husband home,

告诉我，以我这样的态度 是不会找到丈夫的，

that I exist for heterosexual marriage and child-bearing.

我的存在是为了异性婚姻和生孩子。

And I swallowed their insults along with their slurs.

我忍耐、吞下他们的侮辱和诽谤。

Naturally, I did not come out of the closet.

自然地，我没有出柜。

The kids at my school opened it without my permission.

我同校的孩子们未经我允许 打开了这个柜子。

Called me by a name I did not recognize,

给了我一个我不要的名字

said "lesbian,"

“蕾丝边” 女同性恋者，

but I was more boy than girl, more Ken than Barbie.

我比起女孩更像男孩， 我更像是肯而不是芭比。

It had nothing to do with hating my body,

无关憎恨我的身体，

I just love it enough to let it go,

我让它离开是因为太爱它了，

I treat it like a house,

我把身体当做一个房子，

and when your house is falling apart,

当你的房子崩坏倒塌，

you do not evacuate,

你不会撤离，

you make it comfortable enough to house all your insides,

你会把它变成足够舒适 能承载你的所有，

you make it pretty enough to invite guests over,

你会把它变得足够漂亮 能邀请人们做客，

you make the floorboards strong enough to stand on.

你会让地板变得坚硬 能够平稳站立。

My mother fears I have named myself after fading things.

我的母亲害怕我以凋谢的事物命名自己。

As she counts the echoes left behind by Mya Hall,

她数着那些名字和其身后的回响 米娅·霍尔，

Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.

莉拉·奥尔康，布莱克·布鲁金顿。

She fears that I'll die without a whisper,

她害怕我会默默死去，

that I'll turn into "what a shame" conversations at the bus stop.

我会变成巴士站闲谈人们口中的 “太遗憾了。”

She claims I have turned myself into a mausoleum,

她说我已经把自己变成了陵墓，

that I am a walking casket,

我是一个移动的棺材，

news headlines have turned my identity into a spectacle,

新闻头条把我的身份 变成了人间奇观，

Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips while the brutality of living in this body

布鲁斯·詹娜是人们的谈资 然而无情生活在他的身体里

becomes an asterisk at the bottom of equality pages.

变成平等页面下面的星标。

No one ever thinks of us as human

没人甚至将我们视为人类

because we are more ghost than flesh,

因为比起活着的人， 我们更像鬼，

because people fear that my gender expression is a trick,

人们害怕我的性别 像是一个诡计，

that it exists to be perverse,

那是违反常情的，

that it ensnares them without their consent,

未经同意就将他们诱捕入网，

that my body is a feast for their eyes and hands

对他们的眼睛和手而言 我的身体是一场盛宴

and once they have fed off my queer,

直到他们受够了我同性恋的古怪，

they'll regurgitate all the parts they did not like.

他们会吐出那些他们不喜欢的部分。

They'll put me back into the closet, hang me with all the other skeletons.

他们会把我放回衣柜 和其他的骨骼挂在一起。

I will be the best attraction.

我会成为最受欢迎的奇观。

Can you see how easy it is to talk people into coffins,

可以看见吗？ 要把人们说进棺材是多么容易的事情，

to misspell their names on gravestones.

在墓碑上错误拼写他们的名字。

And people still wonder why there are boys rotting,

人们仍在寻思为什么男孩们腐烂，

they go away in high school hallways

他们走进高中的走廊

they are afraid of becoming another hashtag in a second

他们担心某一秒突然变成标签

afraid of classroom discussions becoming like judgment day

害怕同学们的谈论 变成他们的审判日

and now oncoming traffic is embracing more transgender children than parents.

现在，更多陌生人开始拥抱变性孩童 比他们的父母还要容易接受。

I wonder how long it will be

我不知道这要多久

before the trans suicide notes start to feel redundant,

直到自杀留言开始变得多余，

before we realize that our bodies become lessons about sin

直到我们意识到自己的身体成为 罪恶的教科书

way before we learn how to love them.

早于我们了解如何爱自己的身体。

Like God didn't save all this breath and mercy,

就像上帝并未存有这些 气息和宽容，

like my blood is not the wine that washed over Jesus' feet.

就像我的血液不是泼在 耶稣脚上的葡萄酒。

My prayers are now getting stuck in my throat.

我的祷告卡在喉咙。

Maybe I am finally fixed,

也许我终于被解救，

maybe I just don't care,

也许我就是不在乎，

maybe God finally listened to my prayers.

也许上帝终于听到我的祷告。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）