The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

Dakle, znam da se TED bavi mnogim velikim stvarima,

but I want to talk to you about something very small.

ali ja želim da vam govorim o nečemu veoma malom.

So small, it's a single word.

Malom kao jedna jedina reč.

The word is "misfit."

Reč je "neprilagođeni".

It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.

To mi je jedna od omiljenih reči jer je tako doslovna.

I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.

Mislim, radi se o osobi koja se nekako nije prilagodila.

Or a person who fits in badly.

Ili osoba koja se loše prilagodila.

Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

Ili sledeće: "osoba koja se loše prilagodila

to new situations and environments."

novim situacijama i okolnostima."

I'm a card-carrying misfit.

Ja sam zvnično neprilagođena.

And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,

I ovde sam zbog drugih neprilagođenih u ovoj prostoriji

because I'm never the only one.

jer nikad nisam usamljen slučaj.

I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

Ispričaću vam priču o neprilagođavanju.

Somewhere in my early 30s,

Negde u ranim tridesetim

the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.

direktno mi je serviran san o tome da ću da budem spisateljka.

Actually, it came to my mailbox

Zapravo, stigao je u moje sanduče

in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize

u vidu pisma koje mi je saopštilo da sam dobila značajnu književnu nagradu

for a short story I had written.

za kratku priču koju sam napisala.

The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer

Priča je govorila o mom životu kao takmičarke u plivanju

and about my crappy home life,

i o mom bezveznom životu kod kuće,

and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.

i malčice o tome kako patnja i gubitak mogu da vas izlude.

The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents

Nagrada je bila putovanje u Njujork

i upoznavanje sa važnim urednicima i agentima

and other authors.

i drugim piscima.

So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?

Te bi to bio san svakog ko želi da bude pisac, zar ne?

You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?

Znate li šta sam radila tog dana kad mi je pismo stiglo?

Because I'm me,

Zato što ja sam ja,

I put the letter on my kitchen table,

stavila sam pismo na kuhinjski sto,

I poured myself a giant glass of vodka

usula sam sebi ogromnu čašu votke

with ice and lime,

sa ledom i limetom

and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,

i sedela sam tu u donjem vešu čitav dan,

just staring at the letter.

prosto zureći u pismo.

I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.

Razmišljala sam o svim načinima na koje sam već srozala svoj život.

Who the hell was I to go to New York City

Ko sam, dovraga, ja da idem u Njujork

and pretend to be a writer?

i da se pretvaram da sam pisac?

Who was I?

Ko sam ja?

I'll tell you.

Reći ću vam.

I was a misfit.

Ja sam neprilagođena.

Like legions of other children,

Poput mnoštva druge dece,

I came from an abusive household

potičem iz nasilnog domaćinstva

that I narrowly escaped with my life.

iz kog sam jedva izvukla živu glavu.

I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.

Već sam imala dva katastrofalno propala braka za sobom.

I'd flunked out of college not once but twice

Ispisana sam sa fakulteta, ne jednom već dva puta,

and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.

a možda čak i tri puta o čemu neću da vam pričam.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.

I imala sam epizodu odvikavanja od droge.

And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.

I imala sam dva ljupka odsedanja u zatvoru.

So I'm on the right stage.

Dakle, na odgovarajućoj sam sceni.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,

Ali istinski razlog, verujem, zašto sam bila neprilagođena

is that my daughter died the day she was born,

je to što mi je kćerka umrla na rođenju

and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.

i još uvek nisam bila pronašla način da živim s tom pričom.

After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,

Nakon što mi je kćerka umrla takođe sam dugo vremena bila beskućnica,

living under an overpass

živela sam ispod nadvožnjaka

in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss

u nekakvom beznadežnom stanju zombijevske patnje i gubitka

that some of us encounter along the way.

koje zatekne neke od nas tokom života.

Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

Možda sve nas, ako poživimo dovoljno dugo.

You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,

Znate, beskućnici su najveći junaci među neprilagođenima

because they start out as us.

jer su započeli kao mi.

So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:

Pa, vidite, nisam se prilagodila ni u jednoj postojećoj kategoriji:

daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

kao kćerka, supruga, majka, učenica.

And the dream of being a writer

A san o pisanju

was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.

je uistinu bio poput otužnog kamenčića u mom grlu.

It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane

Prilično sam se uprkos sebi ukrcala na taj avion

and flew to New York City,

i odletela do Njujorka,

where the writers are.

gde se nalaze pisci.

Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.

Kolege neprilagođeni, skoro da mogu da vidim kako vam glave sjaje,

I can pick you out of a room.

mogu da vas prepoznam u prostoriji.

At first, you would've loved it.

Kao prvo, oduševili biste se.

You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,

Imali smo da izaberemo tri poznata pisca da upoznamo,

and these guys went and found them for you.

a ti ljudi bi prosto otišli i našli bi ih za vas.

You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

Susret bi bio u hotelu Gramersi Park,

where you got to drink Scotch late in the night

gde biste pili skoč kasno uveče

with cool, smart, swank people.

sa kul, pametnim, elegantnim ljudima.

And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.

I mogli biste da se pretvarate da ste i vi kul, pametni i elegantni.

And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents

I mogli biste da upoznate gomilu urednika, pisaca i agenata

at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

na veoma, veoma prefinjenim ručkovima i večerama.

Ask me how fancy.

Pitajte me koliko prefinjenim.

Audience: How fancy?

Publika: Koliko prefinjenim?

Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --

Lidija Juknavič: priznaću vam - ukrala sam tri lanene maramice -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

from three different restaurants.

iz tri različita restorana.

And I shoved a menu down my pants.

I nagurala sam meni u pantalone.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,

Samo sam htela nešto za uspomenu kad se vratim kući,

I could believe it had really happened to me.

da bih mogla da verujem da se to zaista meni dogodilo.

You know?

Znate?

The three writers I wanted to meet

Tri pisca koja sam želela da upoznam

were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.

su bili: Karol Mejso, Lin Tilman i Pegi Felan.

These were not famous, best-selling authors,

To nisu bili poznati, pisci bestselera,

but to me, they were women-writer titans.

ali za mene su one bile titani među spisateljicama.

Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.

Karol Mejso je napisala knjigu koja će postati moja umetnička biblija.

Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe

Lin Tilman mi je dala razlog da verujem

that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.

da postoji šansa da moje priče budu deo sveta.

And Peggy Phelan reminded me

A Pegi Felan me je podsetila

that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.

da bi moj mozak mogao da bude važniji od mojih grudi.

They weren't mainstream women writers,

Nije se radilo o mejnstrim spisateljkama,

but they were cutting a path through the mainstream

ali su krčile put kroz mejnstrim

with their body stories,

njihovim korpusom priča,

I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.

volim da gledam na to kao na vodu koja seče Veliki Kanjon.

It nearly killed me with joy

Skoro da sam umrla od sreće

to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.

jer sam se družila sa ove tri spisateljke starije od 50 godina.

And the reason it nearly killed me with joy

A razlog zašto sam skoro umrla od sreće

is that I'd never known a joy like that.

je to što nikad nisam bila tako srećna.

I'd never been in a room like that.

Nikad nisam bila u sličnoj prostoriji.

My mother never went to college.

Moja majka nije pohađala fakultet.

And my creative career to that point

A moja kreativna karijera je do tad

was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

bila nešto nekako maleno, bedno, mrtvorođeno.

So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.

Pa sam nekako tih prvih noći u Njujorku želela da umrem na mestu.

I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."

Prosto sam bila u stilu: "Ubijte me odmah. Zadovoljna sam. Ovo je bajno."

Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.

Neki od vas će da razumeju šta se potom desilo.

First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Prvo su me vodili u kancelarije Ferara, Strausa i Džirua.

Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.

Farar, Straus i Džiru su štampa iz mojih najluđih snova.

I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.

Mislim, T. S. Eliot i Flaneri O'konor su tu objavljivali.

The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,

Glavni urednik me je poseo i razgovarao sa mnom dugo,

trying to convince me I had a book in me

pokušavajući da me ubedi da u meni počiva knjiga

about my life as a swimmer.

o mom životu kao plivačice.

You know, like a memoir.

Znate, poput memoara.

The whole time he was talking to me,

Sve vreme dok mi je govorio,

I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,

sedela sam, smešeći se, klimajući poput obamrlog idiota,

with my arms crossed over my chest,

s rukama prekrštenim na grudima,

while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.

a ništa, ništa, ništa mi nije izlazilo iz grla.

So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder

Pa me je na kraju potapšao po ramenu

like a swim coach might.

poput trenera plivanja.

And he wished me luck

I poželeo mi je sreću

and he gave me some free books

i dao mi je neke besplatne knjige

and he showed me out the door.

i pokazao mi je izlaz.

Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,

Potom su me odveli u kancelarije V. V. Nortona,

where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building

gde sam bila ubeđena da će me ispratiti iz zgrade

just for wearing Doc Martens.

samo zato što sam u martinkama.

But that didn't happen.

No to se nije desilo.

Being at the Norton offices

To što sam bila u Nortonovim kancelarijama

felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon

činilo se poput posezanja u noćno nebo i dodirivanja meseca

while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.

dok zvezde štrikaju vaše ime preko kosmosa.

I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.

Mislim, eto koliko je to bilo veliko za mene.

You get it?

Razumete li?

Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

Njihova vodeća urednica, Kerol Huk Smit,

leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

nadnela mi se direktno u lice tim bisernim, svetlim, odvažnim očima

and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"

i rekla: "Pa, pošalji mi onda nešto, odmah!"

See, now most people, especially TED people,

Vidite, većina ljudi, naročito ljudi sa TED-a

would have run to the mailbox, right?

bi odmah odjurila do poštanskog sandučeta, zar ne?

It took me over a decade to even imagine

Trebala mi je decenija da bar zamislim

putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.

da nešto stavljam u kovertu i da ližem markicu.

On the last night,

Prošle noći

I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.

sam imala značajno čitanje u Nacionalnom pesničkom klubu.

And at the end of the reading,

I na kraju čitanja,

Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

Ketrin Kidi iz Kidija, književne agencije Hojt i Pikard,

walked straight up to me and shook my hand

mi je prišla i rukovala se sa mnom

and offered me representation, like, on the spot.

i ponudila mi je da me predstavljaju, znači, na licu mesta.

I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

Stajala sam tamo skoro ogluvela.

Has this ever happened to you?

Da li vam se to nekad desilo?

And I almost started crying

I skoro da sam zaplakala

because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,

jer su svi ljudi u prostoriji bili tako lepo obučeni,

and all that came out of my mouth was:

a sve što sam izustila bilo je:

"I don't know. I have to think about it."

"Ne znam. Moram da razmislim o tome."

And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

A on aje rekla: "U redu onda", i odšetala je.

All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...

Sve te raširene ruke prema meni, taj otužni kamenčić u mom grlu...

You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.

Vidite, pokušavam da vam kažem nešto o ljudima poput mene.

Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes

Neprilagođeni - mi ne znamo uvek kako da se nadamo i da pristanemo

or choose the big thing,

ili da odaberemo velike stvari,

even when it's right in front of us.

čak i kad je to ispred nas.

It's a shame we carry.

Mi nosimo sram.

It's the shame of wanting something good.

Sram zbog toga što želimo nešto dobro.

It's the shame of feeling something good.

Sram zbog toga što osećamo nešto dobro.

It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room

Sram zbog toga što zaista ne verujemo da zaslužujemo da budemo u prisustvu

with the people we admire.

ljudi kojima se divimo.

If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.

Kad bih mogla da se vratim unazad, podučila bih samu sebe.

I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.

Bila bih baš kao te pedesetogodišnje žene koje su mi pomogle.

I'd teach myself how to want things,

Podučila bih sebe kako da želim stvari,

how to stand up, how to ask for them.

kako da se uspravim i zahtevam ih.

I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."

Rekla bih: "Ti! Da, ti! I tebi je mesto u ovoj prostoriji."

The radiance falls on all of us,

Iskra pada na sve nas,

and we are nothing without each other.

i mi smo niko jedni bez drugih.

Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

Umesto toga, odletela sam nazad u Oregon

and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,

i kako sam posmatrala zimzelen i kišu kako se vraća na vidik,

I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

prosto sam popila mnogo flašica avionskog "samosažaljenja".

I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.

Mislila sam da ako sam ja pisac, da sam nekakav neprilagođeni pisac.

What I'm saying is,

Govorim vam da sam se

I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

vratila u Oregon bez ugovora za knjigu,

without an agent,

bez agenta,

and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories

i jedino sa punom glavom i punim srcem sećanja

of having sat so near

da sam sedela tako blizu

the beautiful writers.

tih lepih pisaca.

Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.

Sećanje je bilo jedina nagrada koju sam sebi dopustila.

And yet, at home in the dark,

Pa ipak, kod kuće u tami,

back in my underwear,

opet u svom donjem vešu,

I could still hear their voices.

i dalje sam im čula glasove.

They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up

Govorile su: "Ne slušaj bilo koga ko pokušava da te ućutka

or change your story."

ili da izmeni tvoju priču."

They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."

Govorile su: "Daj glas priči koju jedino ti znaš da ispričaš."

They said, "Sometimes telling the story

Govorile su: "Ponekad je pripovedanje

is the thing that saves your life."

ono što će da ti spasi život."

Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.

Sad sam ja, kao što vidite, žena od preko 50 godina.

And I'm a writer.

I spisateljka sam.

And I'm a mother.

I majka sam.

And I became a teacher.

A postala sam i učiteljica.

Guess who my favorite students are.

Pogodite ko su mi omiljeni đaci.

Although it didn't happen the day

Iako se to nije desilo onog dana

that dream letter came through my mailbox,

kad mi je pismo iz snova stiglo poštom,

I did write a memoir,

napisala sam memoare,

called "The Chronology of Water."

naslovljene: "Hronologija vode".

In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self

Tu su priče o tome koliko sam puta pokušala da se nanovo osmislim

from the ruins of my choices,

iz ruševina svojih izbora;

the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals

priče o tome kako su moji naoko neuspesi zaista samo bili uvrnuti portali

to something beautiful.

do nečeg lepog.

All I had to do was give voice to the story.

Sve što je trebalo je da dam glas priči.

There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.

Postoji mit u većini kultura o praćenju naših snova.

It's called the hero's journey.

Zove se putovanje junaka.

But I prefer a different myth,

No meni se više sviđa drugi mit,

that's slightly to the side of that

koji je nekako skrajnut

or underneath it.

ili je ispod tog mita.

It's called the misfit's myth.

Zove se mitom neprilagođenih.

And it goes like this:

I ovako ide:

even at the moment of your failure,

čak i u trenutku svog neuspeha,

right then, you are beautiful.

baš tad ste lepi.

You don't know it yet,

Ne znate to još uvek,

but you have the ability to reinvent yourself

ali imate sposobnost da se nanovo osmišljavate

endlessly.

do beskonačnosti.

That's your beauty.

U tome je vaša lepota.

You can be a drunk,

Možete biti pijandura,

you can be a survivor of abuse,

možete biti žrtva nasilja,

you can be an ex-con,

možete biti bivši osuđenik,

you can be a homeless person,

možete biti beskućnik,

you can lose all your money or your job or your husband

možete da izgubite sav svoj novac ili posao ili supruga

or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

ili suprugu, ili što je najgore od svega,

a child.

dete.

You can even lose your marbles.

Možete čak izgubiti svoje klikere.

You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure

Možete da stojite tačno u središtu svog neuspeha

and still, I'm only here to tell you,

i ipak, ovde sam jedino da vam to kažem,

you are so beautiful.

prelepi ste takvi.

Your story deserves to be heard,

Vaša priča zavređuje pažnju

because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,

jer ste vi, vi ste retkost i fenomenalno ste neprilagođeni,

you new species,

vi ste nova vrsta,

are the only one in the room

jedini ste u prostoriji

who can tell the story

koji možete da pripovedate

the way only you would.

na način koji pripovedate.

And I'd be listening.

I ja ću vas saslušati.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)