The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

譯者: Coco Shen 審譯者: Wilde Luo

So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

我知道TED上談論的大多是重要的大事，

but I want to talk to you about something very small.

但是我想跟你們分享一件小小事。

So small, it's a single word.

非常小的事，只是單單的一個詞：

The word is "misfit."

這個詞叫作「異類」。

It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.

這是我最喜愛的詞， 因為它是如此地切和字面上的意思——

I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.

我的意思是，那意味著， 一個人錯過了融入群體的機會。

Or a person who fits in badly.

或是指一個人融入得非常糟糕。

Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

或該這麼說：無法良好適應

to new situations and environments."

新的處境與環境的一個人。

I'm a card-carrying misfit.

我就是一個不折不扣的「異類」。

And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,

而為了其他異類，我站在這裡，

because I'm never the only one.

因為在異類中， 我永遠不是唯一一個。

I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

我現在要和你們說一個異類的故事。

Somewhere in my early 30s,

當我三十出頭時，

the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.

成為一位作家的夢想 近得彷彿就在我眼前。

Actually, it came to my mailbox

實際上，它來到了我的郵箱中，

in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize

一封信件表示 我獲得了一個知名文學獎項。

for a short story I had written.

得獎的是我寫的一篇短篇故事。

The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer

短篇故事的內容是關於我 作為優秀游泳選手的生活，

and about my crappy home life,

還有我糟透了的家庭生活。

and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.

另外還有那些關於傷痛和失去 是如何逼瘋人的。

The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents

獲獎的獎勵是一趟旅程： 前往紐約會見一流的編輯，著作經紀人

and other authors.

以及其他的作家。

So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?

這就是一個立志成為作家的人的 夢想，對吧？

You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?

但你知道我在拿到信的那天做了什麼嗎？

Because I'm me,

因為我就是我，

I put the letter on my kitchen table,

我把信件放在廚房的桌上，

I poured myself a giant glass of vodka

喝了一大杯伏特加，

with ice and lime,

加了冰塊和萊姆片，

and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,

我穿著內衣坐在那裡一整天，

just staring at the letter.

只是盯著信看。

I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.

我在想我一路是如何 把自己的人生搞砸的。

Who the hell was I to go to New York City

該死的那個要前往紐約、

and pretend to be a writer?

裝作是一名作家的我到底是誰？

Who was I?

我是誰？

I'll tell you.

我來告訴你。

I was a misfit.

我是個異類。

Like legions of other children,

就像眾多孩子一樣，

I came from an abusive household

我來自家暴家庭，

that I narrowly escaped with my life.

我幾乎用盡自己的生命逃脫。

I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.

我已經經歷了兩段史詩般失敗的婚姻。

I'd flunked out of college not once but twice

我被大學退學不只一次， 而是兩次。

and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.

或許還有第三次， 但我不打算告訴你們。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.

我經歷過一次戒毒療程。

And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.

我有兩段美好的居家休假—— 在監獄裡。

So I'm on the right stage.

我很適合這個舞台不是嗎。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,

但真正的理由， 我想，是因為我是個不適應環境的人。

is that my daughter died the day she was born,

我女兒在她出生當天去世，

and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.

而我還不知道要如何面對這件事。

After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,

在我女兒去世後， 我有很長一段時間無家可歸，

living under an overpass

住在天橋下，

in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss

沉溺在一種行屍走肉般的悲痛 和失去所有的沉重情緒中，

that some of us encounter along the way.

那是我們部分人會經歷的過程。

Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

也許我們所有人都會經歷——如果你活得夠長。

You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,

你知道，無家可歸者是最英勇的異類，

because they start out as us.

因為他們和我們有著一樣的開始。

So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:

所以你可以發現，我幾乎無法良好地適應 在這當中所有的角色：

daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

女兒、妻子、母親、學生。

And the dream of being a writer

而成為作家的夢想

was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.

一直都如此悲傷而渺小， 讓我感覺如鯁在喉。

It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane

我不由自主地上了那架飛機，

and flew to New York City,

並且飛到了紐約市，

where the writers are.

那些作家所在的地方。

Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.

各位異類， 我幾乎可以看到你們頭上的光芒。

I can pick you out of a room.

我可以把你們從這裡認出來。

At first, you would've loved it.

一開始，你們會喜歡的。

You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,

你得到機會， 可以選擇三位你最想會見的知名作家，

and these guys went and found them for you.

然後他們會為你找到那些作家。

You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

你被安置在格拉梅西公園酒店，

where you got to drink Scotch late in the night

在那裡你可以喝蘇格蘭威士忌 直到深夜，

with cool, smart, swank people.

和一群酷炫、聰明、愛出風頭的人一起，

And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.

而你也要裝作自己很酷炫、聰明、愛出風頭。

And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents

接著，你要去會見許多編輯、作家與著作經紀人，

at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

在非常、非常豪華別緻的午餐和晚餐廳中。

Ask me how fancy.

問問我有多豪華。

Audience: How fancy?

（觀眾）：有多豪華？

Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --

我現在要來自首： 我偷了三條亞麻餐巾——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

from three different restaurants.

來自三間不同的餐廳。

And I shoved a menu down my pants.

我還塞了一份菜單到我的褲子裡。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,

我只是想要一些紀念品, 所以當我回家之後，

I could believe it had really happened to me.

我可以相信這一切 真的曾經發生在我身上過。

You know?

你知道嗎？

The three writers I wanted to meet

我所想會見的三名作家

were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.

是卡羅爾．馬索、琳恩．提爾曼、佩姬．菲蘭。

These were not famous, best-selling authors,

這些並不是有名的暢銷作家，

but to me, they were women-writer titans.

但對我來說，她們是女性作家中的翹楚。

Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.

卡羅爾．馬索寫的書成為了我心目中的藝術聖經。

Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe

琳恩．提爾曼讓我相信

that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.

我的故事有機會成為這個世界的一部分。

And Peggy Phelan reminded me

而佩姬．菲蘭提醒我

that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.

或許我的大腦比我的胸部更重要。

They weren't mainstream women writers,

她們不是主流女性作家，

but they were cutting a path through the mainstream

但是她們用自身故事

with their body stories,

從主流裡另闢蹊徑。

I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.

我喜歡思考， 想要知道流水是如何切出大峽谷的。

It nearly killed me with joy

和這三名超過五十歲的女作家相談——

to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.

這種喜悅感幾乎讓我無法自拔。

And the reason it nearly killed me with joy

而讓我無法自拔的原因是

is that I'd never known a joy like that.

我從不知道有這樣一種喜悅。

I'd never been in a room like that.

我從沒有待在這樣一種房間。

My mother never went to college.

我母親沒有上過大學。

And my creative career to that point

從這一點上來說，我的創作生涯，

was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

只是個渺小、卑微、胎死腹中的東西。

So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.

所以我幾乎想要死在紐約， 因為那些充滿初體驗的美好夜晚。

I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."

就像是「殺了我吧， 太好了，這實在是太美好了。」

Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.

你們一部分人 會理解接下來發生的事。

First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

首先，他們把我帶到法勒、 斯特勞斯和吉魯的辦公室。

Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.

法勒、斯特勞斯和吉魯 是我的夢想中的出版社。

I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.

艾略特的詩集和 弗蘭納里．奧康納的小說都在那裡出版。

The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,

那裡的主編請我坐下 並和我談了許久。

trying to convince me I had a book in me

他試圖說服我寫一本書，

about my life as a swimmer.

有關身為游泳選手的我的人生。

You know, like a memoir.

你知道，就像本回憶錄。

The whole time he was talking to me,

他對我說話的過程中，

I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,

我坐在那，雙手環抱胸前，

with my arms crossed over my chest,

不停傻笑、點頭像個傻瓜。

while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.

然而我並沒有開口說出任何 任何一個字。

So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder

所以到了最後， 他拍了拍我的肩膀，

like a swim coach might.

就像個游泳教練一樣，

And he wished me luck

他祝我好運。

and he gave me some free books

然後他給了我一些免費的書籍，

and he showed me out the door.

指引我從何離開。

Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,

接著，他們將我帶到 W.W.諾頓的辦公室，

where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building

我相當肯定，龐克打扮的我，

just for wearing Doc Martens.

會有人一起陪同前往。

But that didn't happen.

然而這並沒有發生。

Being at the Norton offices

待在諾頓的辦公室裡，

felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon

感覺就像在夜空中伸手觸碰月亮的美好，

while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.

而宇宙中的星星正閃爍著編織我的名字。

I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.

我的意思是， 這對我來說是多麼了不起的一件事。

You get it?

你能明白嗎？

Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

他們的主編，卡羅爾．霍克史密斯，

leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

在我面前傾身， 用明亮、熱烈、犀利的目光，

and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"

告訴我： 「馬上把你的一些作品寄給我！」

See, now most people, especially TED people,

看吧，大部分的人 尤其是來到TED這裡的人

would have run to the mailbox, right?

會馬上衝去郵箱，對吧？

It took me over a decade to even imagine

我簡直難以想像把一些我寫的東西

putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.

放入信封再舔一下郵票會是什麼樣子。

On the last night,

在紐約的最後一晚，

I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.

我在全國詩歌社裡 參加了一場讀書會。

And at the end of the reading,

讀書會結束時，

Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

凱德出版社的凱瑟琳．凱德 和霍伊特與皮卡德著作經紀人

walked straight up to me and shook my hand

徑直地走向我，與我握手，

and offered me representation, like, on the spot.

並且當場提供給我代理權。

I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

我呆立著，突然聾了。

Has this ever happened to you?

你們經歷過這種事嗎？

And I almost started crying

我幾乎要哭出來了。

because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,

因為整個房間的人 穿著都是如此華麗，

and all that came out of my mouth was:

然後從我口中說出的卻是：

"I don't know. I have to think about it."

「我不知道，讓我考慮一下。」

And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

然後她說了「當然。」 便離開了。

All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...

儘管機會之門對我一次次敞開， 我仍舊如鯁在喉，無法說出口……

You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.

你現在知道了， 我在說的是那些和我一樣的人。

Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes

異類 － 我們不知道如何期待， 甚至不會開口説一個「好」

or choose the big thing,

也不知道去選擇那些「大好事」。

even when it's right in front of us.

就算那些機會明擺在我們面前。

It's a shame we carry.

這是我們無法擺脫的一種恥辱。

It's the shame of wanting something good.

這是一種想得到美好的東西的恥辱。

It's the shame of feeling something good.

這是一種感受到美好的東西的恥辱。

It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room

這是一種，不相信自己能和景仰的人 待在同一個屋簷下的恥辱。

with the people we admire.

這是一種，不相信自己能和景仰的人 待在同一個房間裡的恥辱。

If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.

如果可以， 我想回到過去。

I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.

像那些曾經幫助過我的 五十歲女人一樣，告訴自己，

I'd teach myself how to want things,

我可以去追求想要的東西，

how to stand up, how to ask for them.

我可以向前站出去， 可以要求得到那些屬於我的東西。

I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."

我會說：「你，對就是你！ 你值得站在這裡！」

The radiance falls on all of us,

我們容光煥發，

and we are nothing without each other.

沒有了其他人，我們什麼也不是。

Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

可現實卻是， 我飛回了俄勒岡。

and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,

當我看著雨打在常青樹上時，

I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

我只是試圖喝酒澆愁。

I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.

我會想，如果我是個作家， 我也會是作家中的異類。

What I'm saying is,

我想說的是，

I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

我沒有簽下任何一個出版書約，

without an agent,

只是隻身一人回到了俄勒岡， 沒有著作經紀人，

and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories

只有滿滿的美好回憶。

of having sat so near

我曾那麼地靠近，

the beautiful writers.

和那些出色的作家站在一起。

Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.

這些回憶， 是我留給自己的唯一獎勵。

And yet, at home in the dark,

然而，當我回到家中的一片黑暗，

back in my underwear,

穿回我的內衣時，

I could still hear their voices.

我仍然聽得到他們的聲音。

They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up

他們說，「別聽那些想叫你閉嘴的人的話。」

or change your story."

「不要讓他們改變你的故事。」

They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."

他們說，「把這些故事說出來， 表達只有你知道的這些感受。」

They said, "Sometimes telling the story

他們說，「有時候，能夠改變你的人生的， 只是講述一個故事。」

is the thing that saves your life."

他們說，「有時候，能夠改變你的人生的， 只是講述一個故事。」

Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.

現在，就在你眼前， 我是個五十多歲的女人了。

And I'm a writer.

而我是位作家。

And I'm a mother.

我也是位母親。

And I became a teacher.

然後我又成為了一位老師。

Guess who my favorite students are.

猜猜我最喜愛的學生是誰？

Although it didn't happen the day

雖然這並沒有發生在

that dream letter came through my mailbox,

那封夢幻般的信件 抵達我郵箱的那一天，

I did write a memoir,

我的確寫了本回憶錄，

called "The Chronology of Water."

叫做《似水年華》。

In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self

故事內容是關於 我如何從一團糟的人生選擇岔路裡

from the ruins of my choices,

一次次不斷地重生。

the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals

講述的是 有關於我那些表面上糟透了的失敗

to something beautiful.

最終如何奇蹟般通往美好的路途。

All I had to do was give voice to the story.

我所需要做的唯一一件事情 就是把故事說出口，賦予它們生命。

There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.

許多文化中 都有一種「追逐夢想」的神話傳說。

It's called the hero's journey.

那可以稱為勇者的旅途。

But I prefer a different myth,

但是， 我更喜歡另外一種神話。

that's slightly to the side of that

一種有別於傳統的、

or underneath it.

不為人知的神話。

It's called the misfit's myth.

那是「異類的傳說」。

And it goes like this:

過程是像這樣子的：

even at the moment of your failure,

就算在你陷落於低谷的失敗中，

right then, you are beautiful.

在那個挫折的當下，你也是耀眼的。

You don't know it yet,

那時的你 或許不會意識到，

but you have the ability to reinvent yourself

無止盡地 試圖絕地重生的你，

endlessly.

也是耀眼的。

That's your beauty.

那是獨屬於你的美。

You can be a drunk,

你可以酗酒，

you can be a survivor of abuse,

你可以從虐待中逃脫，

you can be an ex-con,

你可以有犯罪前科，

you can be a homeless person,

你可以是無家可歸的人，

you can lose all your money or your job or your husband

你可以失去所有財產、工作 或是你的伴侶，

or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

甚至是全天下最糟糕的事情——

a child.

失去了孩子。

You can even lose your marbles.

甚至失去了你最珍貴的東西。

You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure

你可以孤立在失敗的正中心，

and still, I'm only here to tell you,

然而，我在這裡要告訴你，

you are so beautiful.

你如此美好。

Your story deserves to be heard,

你的故事值得被聽見，

because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,

因為你是稀有而獨一無二的，

you new species,

你是與眾不同的。

are the only one in the room

你是這個地方的「唯一」，

who can tell the story

用獨獨屬於你自己的方式 講述你的故事。

the way only you would.

用獨獨屬於你自己的方式 講述你的故事。

And I'd be listening.

而我會用心聆聽。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）