The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

Prevoditelj: Lidija Funtek Recezent: Sanda L

So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

Znam da se TED vrti oko velikih stvari,

but I want to talk to you about something very small.

ali želim vam pričati o nečemu jako malom.

So small, it's a single word.

Tako malome da se sastoji od jedne riječi.

The word is "misfit."

Riječ je "autsajder".

It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.

To je jedna od mojih najdražih riječi jer je tako bukvalna.

I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.

Mislim, to je osoba koja se na nekin način zakasnila uklopiti.

Or a person who fits in badly.

Ili osoba koja se loše uklapa.

Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

Ili ova: "osoba koja se loše prilagođava

to new situations and environments."

novim situacijama i okolinama."

I'm a card-carrying misfit.

I sama sam autsajder.

And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,

I ovdje sam u ime svih autsajdera u ovoj prostoriji,

because I'm never the only one.

jer nikada nisam jedina.

I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

Ispričat ću vam priču autsajdera.

Somewhere in my early 30s,

Negdje u ranim 30-ima

the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.

san da postanem spisateljica došao mi je na vrata.

Actually, it came to my mailbox

Zapravo, došao mi je u sandučić

in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize

u obliku pisma u kojem je pisalo da sam osvojila veliku književnu nagradu

for a short story I had written.

za kratku priču koju sam napisala.

The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer

Ta kratka priča govorila je o mom životu kao plivačice

and about my crappy home life,

i o mom lošem obiteljskom životu

and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.

te malo o tome kako zbog tuge i gubitka možete izgubiti razum.

The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents

Nagrada je bila putovanje u New York i susret s poznatim urednicima i agentima

and other authors.

te ostalim piscima.

So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?

To je baš bilo ostvarenje sna mladog pisca, zar ne?

You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?

Znate li što sam učinila tog dana kada sam primila pismo?

Because I'm me,

Zato jer sam takva,

I put the letter on my kitchen table,

stavila sam pismo na stol u kuhinji,

I poured myself a giant glass of vodka

natočila si veliku čašu votke

with ice and lime,

s ledom i limetom

and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,

i cijeli dan sam sjedila u donjem rublju

just staring at the letter.

te samo buljila u pismo.

I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.

Razmišljala sam kako sam si do sada već upropastila život.

Who the hell was I to go to New York City

Tko sam ja da idem u New York

and pretend to be a writer?

i pretvaram se da sam pisac?

Who was I?

Tko sam ja?

I'll tell you.

Reći ću vam.

I was a misfit.

Ja sam autsajder.

Like legions of other children,

Poput mnoge druge djece,

I came from an abusive household

potekla sam iz nasilne obitelji

that I narrowly escaped with my life.

od koje sam jedva živa pobjegla.

I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.

Imala sam već dva propala braka iza sebe.

I'd flunked out of college not once but twice

Ne jednom, već dva puta sam odustala od faksa,

and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.

a možda i tri puta, ali neću vam pričati o tome.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.

Bila sam i na odvikavanju od droge.

And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.

Dva puta sam bila u zatvoru.

So I'm on the right stage.

Znači, sad sam na pravoj pozornici.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,

No, pravi razlog zašto mislim da sam autsajder

is that my daughter died the day she was born,

je taj što je moja kćer umrla istog dana kada se i rodila

and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.

i još nisam naučila kako živjeti s time.

After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,

Nakon smrti svoje kćeri, dugo sam bila beskućnik,

living under an overpass

živjela sam ispod nadvožnjaka,

in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss

u stanju duboke tuge i gubitka,

that some of us encounter along the way.

s čime se neki od nas susreću.

Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

Možda i svi mi, ako živite dovoljno dugo.

You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,

Znate, beskućnici su najhrabriji autsajderi

because they start out as us.

jer počnu kao i svi mi.

So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:

Vidite, nisam se uklopila ni u jednu kategoriju koja postoji:

daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

kćer, supruga, majka, učenica.

And the dream of being a writer

A san da budem spisateljica

was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.

bio je poput knedle u grlu.

It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane

Zapravo sam protivno sama sebi sjela na avion

and flew to New York City,

i odletjela u New York

where the writers are.

gdje su bili pisci.

Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.

Kolege autsajderi, već vidim kako zračite.

I can pick you out of a room.

Točno znam tko ste.

At first, you would've loved it.

Isprva biste uživali.

You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,

Možete odabrati tri poznata pisca koja želite upoznati

and these guys went and found them for you.

i oni bi ih našli i doveli.

You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

Odsjeli biste u Gramercy Park Hotelu,

where you got to drink Scotch late in the night

gdje kasno navečer pijete viski

with cool, smart, swank people.

sa super, pametnim i elegantnim ljudima.

And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.

I možete se pretvarati da ste i vi super i pametni i elegantni.

And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents

I upoznate hrpu urednika, pisaca i agenata

at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

na jako otmjenim ručkovima i večerama.

Ask me how fancy.

Pitajte me koliko otmjenima.

Audience: How fancy?

Publika: Koliko otmjenima?

Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --

Sada priznajem: ukrala sam tri platnene salvete

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

from three different restaurants.

iz tri različita restorana.

And I shoved a menu down my pants.

I sakrila sam jelovnik u hlače.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,

Samo sam htjela neke suvenire da, kad dođem kući,

I could believe it had really happened to me.

vjerujem da mi se to stvarno dogodilo.

You know?

Znate?

The three writers I wanted to meet

Autorice koje sam htjela upoznati

were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.

bile su Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman i Peggy Phelan.

These were not famous, best-selling authors,

One nisu bile poznate, najprodavanije spisateljice,

but to me, they were women-writer titans.

ali meni su bile divovi među spisateljicama.

Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.

Carole Maso napisala je knjigu koja je postala moja Biblija umjetnosti.

Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe

Lynne Tillman omogućila mi je da vjerujem

that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.

da moje priče mogu biti dio svijeta.

And Peggy Phelan reminded me

Peggy Phelan podsjetila me

that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.

da moj mozak može biti važniji od mojih sisa.

They weren't mainstream women writers,

Nisu bile popularne spisateljice,

but they were cutting a path through the mainstream

ali svojim su pričama krčile put

with their body stories,

u popularnoj književnosti,

I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.

kao što voda prodire Grand Canyonom.

It nearly killed me with joy

Zamalo sam umrla od sreće

to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.

što sam se družila s te tri spisateljice starije od 50 godina.

And the reason it nearly killed me with joy

A razlog zašto sam skoro umrla od sreće je taj

is that I'd never known a joy like that.

što nikada nisam osjetila takvu sreću.

I'd never been in a room like that.

Nikada nisam bila na takvom mjestu.

My mother never went to college.

Moja majka nikada nije išla na faks.

And my creative career to that point

I moja kreativna karijera je do tada

was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

bila mala, tužna i nepokretna.

So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.

Zato sam prvih noći u New Yorku htjela tamo umrijeti.

I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."

Mislila sam, "Ubijte me sada. Dobro sam. Ovo je prekrasno."

Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.

Neki od vas ovdje će razumjeti što se sljedeće dogodilo.

First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Prvo su me odveli u urede Farrar, Straus i Girouxa.

Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.

Farrar, Straus i Giroux su mi bili izdavači iz snova.

I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.

Mislim, objavili su knjige T. S. Elliota i Flannery O'Connor.

The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,

Glavni urednik me posjeo i dugo razgovarao sa mnom,

trying to convince me I had a book in me

pokušavajući me uvjeriti da mogu napisati knjigu

about my life as a swimmer.

o svom životu kao plivačice.

You know, like a memoir.

Znate, poput memoara.

The whole time he was talking to me,

Cijelo vrijeme kada je pričao,

I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,

ja sam sjedila, smiješila se i kimala glavom poput idiota,

with my arms crossed over my chest,

ruku prekriženih na prsima,

while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.

bez da sam ispustila ijedan jedini zvuk.

So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder

Na kraju me samo potapšao po ramenu,

like a swim coach might.

poput trenera plivanja.

And he wished me luck

Poželio mi je sreću,

and he gave me some free books

dao mi nekoliko knjiga

and he showed me out the door.

i otpratio me do vrata.

Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,

Zatim sam bila u uredima W. W. Nortona

where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building

i mislila sam da će me izbaciti iz zgrade

just for wearing Doc Martens.

zato jer sam nosila marte.

But that didn't happen.

No, to se nije dogodilo.

Being at the Norton offices

U Nortonovim uredima

felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon

osjećala sam se kao da sam posegnula prema noćnom nebu i dotakla mjesec,

while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.

dok su zvijezde ispisivale moje ime preko cijelog svemira.

I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.

Toliko mi je to bilo nevjerojatno.

You get it?

Shvaćate?

Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

Njihova glavna urednica, Carol Houck Smith,

leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

unesla mi se u lice svojim velikim, svijetlim, divljim očima

and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"

i rekla "Pa onda mi pošalji nešto. Odmah!"

See, now most people, especially TED people,

Sada bi većina ljudi, pogotovo TED ljudi,

would have run to the mailbox, right?

otrčala do sandučića, zar ne?

It took me over a decade to even imagine

Trebalo mi je više od desetljeća da uopće zamislim

putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.

kako nešto stavljam u kuvertu i lijepim markicu.

On the last night,

Posljednje večeri

I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.

održala sam čitalačku večer u Nacionalnom klubu poezije.

And at the end of the reading,

Na kraju večeri prišla mi je

Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

Katharine Kidde iz izdavačke kuće Kidde, Hoyt & Picard,

walked straight up to me and shook my hand

rukovala se sa mnom

and offered me representation, like, on the spot.

i odmah mi na licu mjesta ponudila da me zastupaju.

I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

Stajala sam tamo i sve je utihnulo na trenutak.

Has this ever happened to you?

Je li vam se to ikada dogodilo?

And I almost started crying

Zamalo sam počela plakati

because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,

jer su svi u prostoriji bili tako lijepo obučeni,

and all that came out of my mouth was:

a sve što sam ja uspjela reći bilo je:

"I don't know. I have to think about it."

"Ne znam. Moram razmisliti o tome."

And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

Rekla je "U redu onda." i otišla.

All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...

Sve te raširene ruke preda mnom, ona mala tužna knedla u mom grlu...

You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.

Pokušavam vam reći nešto o ljudima poput mene.

Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes

Autsajderi - ne znamo uvijek kako se nadati ili reći "da",

or choose the big thing,

ili odabrati nešto odlično,

even when it's right in front of us.

čak i kad nam je pred nosom.

It's a shame we carry.

To je sram koji nosimo.

It's the shame of wanting something good.

Sram zbog toga što želimo nešto dobro.

It's the shame of feeling something good.

Sram zbog toga što osjećamo nešto dobro.

It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room

Sram jer zapravo ne vjerujemo da zaslužujemo biti u istoj sobi

with the people we admire.

s ljudima kojima se divimo.

If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.

Da mogu, vratila bih se u prošlost i poučila samu sebe.

I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.

Bila bih poput onih žena starijih od 50 godina koje su mi pomogle.

I'd teach myself how to want things,

Naučila bih se kako željeti stvari,

how to stand up, how to ask for them.

kako se zauzeti za to, kako ih zatražiti.

I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."

Rekla bih, "Ti!" Da, ti! I ti pripadaš ovdje."

The radiance falls on all of us,

Svjetlost pada na sve nas

and we are nothing without each other.

i nismo ništa jedni bez drugih.

Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

Umjesto toga, odletjela sam natrag u Oregon

and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,

i dok sam gledala kako se pojavljuje zimzeleno drveće i kiša,

I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

pila sam bočice onog "žalim samu sebe" napitka.

I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.

Razmišljala sam, ako sam spisateljica, onda sam neka autsajder spisateljica.

What I'm saying is,

Što želim reći,

I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

vratila sam se u Oregon bez dogovora za knjigu,

without an agent,

bez agenta

and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories

i samo s puno uspomena u glavi i srcu

of having sat so near

kako sam sjedila tako blizu

the beautiful writers.

tih prekrasnih pisaca.

Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.

Sjećanje je bila jedina nagrada koju sam si dopustila.

And yet, at home in the dark,

No, kod kuće, u mraku,

back in my underwear,

ponovno u donjem rublju,

I could still hear their voices.

mogla sam čuti njihove glasove.

They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up

Govorili su, "Nemoj slušati nikoga tko te pokušava ušutkati

or change your story."

ili promijeniti tvoju priču."

They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."

Govorili su, "Ispričaj priču koju samo ti možeš ispričati."

They said, "Sometimes telling the story

Govorili su, "Ponekad je pričanje priče

is the thing that saves your life."

ono što ti spasi život."

Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.

Kao što vidite, ja sam žena starija od 50.

And I'm a writer.

I ja sam spisateljica.

And I'm a mother.

I majka.

And I became a teacher.

I postala sam učiteljica.

Guess who my favorite students are.

Pogodite tko su mi najdraži učenici.

Although it didn't happen the day

Iako se to nije dogodilo onda

that dream letter came through my mailbox,

kada je ono pismo iz snova došlo u moj sandučić,

I did write a memoir,

napisala sam memoare

called "The Chronology of Water."

nazvane "Kronologija vode."

In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self

U njima se nalaze priče o tome koliko puta sam se morala uzdići

from the ruins of my choices,

iz ruševina svojih odabira,

the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals

priče o tome kako su svi oni neuspjesi bili samo jako čudni prolazi

to something beautiful.

do nečega prekrasnog.

All I had to do was give voice to the story.

Sve što sam trebala je ispričati tu priču.

There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.

U većini kultura postoji mit da treba slijediti svoje snove.

It's called the hero's journey.

Zove se putovanje junaka.

But I prefer a different myth,

No, ja više volim drugi mit,

that's slightly to the side of that

koji je malo drugačiji od ovoga

or underneath it.

ili je povezan s time.

It's called the misfit's myth.

Zove se mit autsajdera.

And it goes like this:

Ide ovako:

even at the moment of your failure,

čak i u trenutku neuspjeha,

right then, you are beautiful.

upravo tada, vi ste prekrasni.

You don't know it yet,

Ne znate to još,

but you have the ability to reinvent yourself

ali imate sposobnost da se beskonačno

endlessly.

obnavljate.

That's your beauty.

To je vaša ljepota.

You can be a drunk,

Možete biti pijanac,

you can be a survivor of abuse,

možete biti žrtva nasilja,

you can be an ex-con,

možete biti bivši zatvorenik,

you can be a homeless person,

možete biti beskućnik,

you can lose all your money or your job or your husband

možete izgubiti sav novac, ili posao, ili muža,

or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

ili ženu ili, najgore od svega,

a child.

dijete.

You can even lose your marbles.

Možete čak izgubiti i razum.

You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure

Možete nepomično stajati usred svog neuspjeha

and still, I'm only here to tell you,

i još uvijek ću vam reći,

you are so beautiful.

vi ste prekrasni.

Your story deserves to be heard,

Zaslužujete da se vaša priča čuje

because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,

jer vi, vi rijetki i izvanredni autsajder,

you new species,

vi nova vrsta,

are the only one in the room

jedini ste u prostoriji

who can tell the story

koji možete ispričati priču

the way only you would.

samo onako kako vi to možete.

And I'd be listening.

A ja ću slušati.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)