The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

Translator: Núria Bosch Reviewer: Laura López

So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

Doncs jo sé que TED va sobre moltes coses que són grans,

but I want to talk to you about something very small.

però vull parlar-vos d'una cosa molt petita.

So small, it's a single word.

Tan petita que és una sola paraula.

The word is "misfit."

La paraula és "inadaptat".

It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.

És una de les meves paraules preferides, perquè és literal.

I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.

És a dir, és una persona que no s'ha pogut adaptar.

Or a person who fits in badly.

O una persona que s'adapta malament.

Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

O això: "una persona s'adapta malament

to new situations and environments."

a noves situacions o entorns."

I'm a card-carrying misfit.

Jo em sento identificada com a inadaptada.

And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,

I estic aquí per altres inadaptats a la sala,

because I'm never the only one.

perquè no en sóc l'única.

I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

Us explicaré una història d'inadaptació

Somewhere in my early 30s,

En algun moment dels meus 30 anys,

the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.

el somni d'esdevenir escriptora va picar a la meva porta.

Actually, it came to my mailbox

De fet, va arribar a la bústia

in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize

en forma de carta que deia que havia guanyat un gran premi literari

for a short story I had written.

per una història curta que havia escrit.

The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer

La història curta era sobre la meva vida com a nadadora competitiva

and about my crappy home life,

i sobre la meva vida familiar dolenta,

and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.

i una mica sobre com la pena i la pèrdua et poden tornar boig.

The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents

El premi era un viatge a Nova York per conèixer editors i representants de renom

and other authors.

i altres autors.

So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?

El somni de tot aspirant a escriptor, no?

You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?

Sabeu què vaig fer el dia que va arribar la carta a casa?

Because I'm me,

Com que sóc jo,

I put the letter on my kitchen table,

vaig posar la carta a la taula de la cuina,

I poured myself a giant glass of vodka

em vaig posar un got de vodka

with ice and lime,

amb gel i llima,

and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,

i vaig seure allà en roba interior durant tot un dia sencer,

just staring at the letter.

mirant fixament a la carta.

I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.

Pensant sobre totes les maneres en què ja havia fastiguejat la meva vida.

Who the hell was I to go to New York City

Qui dimonis era jo per anar a Nova York

and pretend to be a writer?

i fer veure que era una escriptora?

Who was I?

Qui era jo?

I'll tell you.

Us ho explicaré.

I was a misfit.

Era una inadaptada.

Like legions of other children,

Com molts altres nens,

I came from an abusive household

venia d'una familia abusiva

that I narrowly escaped with my life.

i per poc vaig acabar amb la meva vida.

I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.

Ja m'havia casat dues vegades sense èxit.

I'd flunked out of college not once but twice

Vaig sortir de l'univeristat sense títol no un cop, sinó dos

and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.

i potser fins i tot un tercer cop que no us explicaré.

(Laughter)

(Rialles)

And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.

I havia fet rehabilitació per consum de drogues.

And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.

i havia tingut dues maravelloses vancances a la presó.

So I'm on the right stage.

Vaig per bon camí.

(Laughter)

(Rialles)

But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,

Però la veritable raó, crec, per la qual era una inadaptada

is that my daughter died the day she was born,

era que la meva filla va morir el dia que va néixer,

and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.

i encara no havia entès com viure amb aquesta història.

After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,

Després que la meva filla morís, durant molt de temps no tenia casa

living under an overpass

i vivia sota un pont

in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss

en una mena d'estat zombi de pena i pèrdua

that some of us encounter along the way.

que alguns de nosaltres ens hem trobat pel camí.

Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

Potser tots nosaltres, si vivim suficients anys.

You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,

Ja sabeu, els pobres són uns dels nostres inadaptats més heroics,

because they start out as us.

perquè comencen com nosaltres.

So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:

Doncs com veieu, no m'adaptava a cap categoria d'aquestes:

daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

filla, esposa, mare, alumna.

And the dream of being a writer

I el somni de ser escriptora

was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.

era com una pedra petita i trista al meu coll.

It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane

Era per culpa meva el fet de que pujés a l'avió

and flew to New York City,

i volés cap a Nova York,

where the writers are.

on estan els escriptors.

Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.

Amics inadaptats, quasi puc veure els vostres caps il·luminant-se.

I can pick you out of a room.

Us puc identificar en una sala.

At first, you would've loved it.

Al principi, us hagués agradat.

You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,

Pots escollir tres escriptor famosos que us agradaria conèixer,

and these guys went and found them for you.

i aquests nois hi van i els troben per a tu.

You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

T'instal·les a l'hotel Gramercy Park,

where you got to drink Scotch late in the night

on beus whisky tard, a la nit.

with cool, smart, swank people.

amb gent guai, llesta i presumida.

And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.

I fas veure també que ets guai i llest i presumit.

And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents

I conèixes un grup d'editors i autors i representants

at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

a dinars i sopars molt, molt sofisticats.

Ask me how fancy.

Demaneu-me com són de sofisticats.

Audience: How fancy?

Audiència: com, de sofisticats?

Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --

Lidia Yuknavitch: confessaré que vaig robar tres tovallons...

(Laughter)

(Rialles)

from three different restaurants.

de tres restaurants diferents.

And I shoved a menu down my pants.

I em vaig ficar un menú als pantalons

(Laughter)

(Rialles)

I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,

Només volia alguns records perquè quan tornés a casa

I could believe it had really happened to me.

pogués creure que relament això m'havia passat.

You know?

Sabeu?

The three writers I wanted to meet

Tres escriptors que volia conèixer

were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.

eren Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman i Peggy Phelan.

These were not famous, best-selling authors,

Aquests no eren famosos, autors exitosos,

but to me, they were women-writer titans.

però per a mi, eren heroïnes.

Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.

Carole Maso va escriure el llibre que més tard va ser la meva Bíblia d'art.

Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe

Lynne Tillman va donar-me permís per creure

that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.

que era possible que les meves històries fóssin part del món.

And Peggy Phelan reminded me

I Peggy Phelan em va recordar

that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.

que el meu cervell podia ser més important que els meus pits.

They weren't mainstream women writers,

No eren escriptores convencionals,

but they were cutting a path through the mainstream

però s'estaven fent camí al món

with their body stories,

amb les seves històries.

I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.

M'agrada pensar, d'una manera similar a la de l'aigua quan passa pel Gran Canyó.

It nearly killed me with joy

Quasi em mata d'alegria

to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.

passar l'estona amb aquestes 3 escriptores de més de 50 anys.

And the reason it nearly killed me with joy

I la raó per la qual quasi em mata d'alegria

is that I'd never known a joy like that.

és que mai havia sentit una alegria així.

I'd never been in a room like that.

Mai havia estat en una habitació així

My mother never went to college.

la mare mai va anar a l'universitat,

And my creative career to that point

la meva carrera creativa en aquell moment

was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

era una cosa petita, trista, morta.

So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.

Aquelles primeres nits a Nova York volia morir allà.

I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."

I pensava: "Ja puc morir. Sóc bona. Això és bonic."

Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.

Alguns de vosaltres a la sala entendreu el que va passar després.

First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Primer, em van portar a les oficines de Farrar, Straus i Giroux.

Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.

Farrar, Struaus i Giroux era el meu somni a la premsa.

I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.

Vull dir, T.S Eliot i Flannery O'Connor estaven publicats allà.

The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,

L'editor principal em va fer seure i vam parlar durant una llarga estona

trying to convince me I had a book in me

intentant convèncer-me que tenia un llibre a dins

about my life as a swimmer.

sobre la meva vida com a nadadora.

You know, like a memoir.

Una autobiografia.

The whole time he was talking to me,

Tot l'estona que va estar parlant amb mi,

I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,

estava asseguda somrient i assentint com una idiota adormida,

with my arms crossed over my chest,

creuada de braços,

while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.

mentre res, res de res sortia del meu coll.

So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder

I al final, em va donar un copet a l'espatlla

like a swim coach might.

com un entrenador de natació.

And he wished me luck

I em va desitjar sort

and he gave me some free books

i em va donar alguns llibres gratuïts

and he showed me out the door.

i em va portar fins a fora la porta.

Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,

Després, em van portar cap a les oficines de W.W. Norton,

where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building

on estava bastant segura que m'escortarien de l'edifici

just for wearing Doc Martens.

només per portar posat Doc Martens.

But that didn't happen.

Però això no va passar.

Being at the Norton offices

Estar a les oficines Norton

felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon

va ser com arribar dalt del cel de nit i tocar la lluna

while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.

mentres estrelles cosint el teu nom al llarg del cosmos.

I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.

Vull dir, això és com de gran va ser per mi.

You get it?

Ho enteneu?

Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

El seva principal editora, Carol Houck Smith,

leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

es va apropar a la meva cara amb aquells ulls petits, brillants i ferotges

and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"

i em va dir, "Envia'm algo doncs, immediatament!"

See, now most people, especially TED people,

Veieu, ara la majoria de persones, especialment de TED,

would have run to the mailbox, right?

haurien corregut cap a la bústia, veritat?

It took me over a decade to even imagine

Vaig trigar una dècada a imaginar-me

putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.

posar algo en un sobre i enganxar-hi un segell.

On the last night,

A l'última nit,

I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.

Vaig fer una gran lectura al Club Nacional de Poesia.

And at the end of the reading,

I al final de la lectura,

Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

walked straight up to me and shook my hand

va caminar de dret cap a mi i em va donar la mà

and offered me representation, like, on the spot.

i em va oferir representació al lloc.

I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

em vaig estar dreta i em vaig tornar com sorda.

Has this ever happened to you?

Us ha passat mai això?

And I almost started crying

I quasi vaig començar a plorar

because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,

perquè totes les persones a la sala anaven vestides tant bellament,

and all that came out of my mouth was:

i tot el que va sortir de la meva boca va ser:

"I don't know. I have to think about it."

"No ho sé, m'ho he de pensar."

And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

I ella va dir, "D'acord, doncs," i va marxar.

All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...

Totes aquelles mans obertes cap a mi, aquella petita i trista pedra al meu coll...

You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.

Veieu, estic intentant explicar-vos una cosa sobre gent com jo.

Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes

Gent inadaptada -- no sempre sabem com tenir esperança o dir que sí

or choose the big thing,

o triar la cosa gran,

even when it's right in front of us.

fins i tot quan està just davant nostre.

It's a shame we carry.

És una pena que portem.

It's the shame of wanting something good.

És la pena de voler alguna cosa bona.

It's the shame of feeling something good.

És la pena de sentir algo bo.

It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room

És la pena de no creure ben bé que mereixem estar a la sala

with the people we admire.

amb la gent que admirem

If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.

Si pogués, tornaria enrere i m'entrenaria.

I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.

Seria exactament com aquelles done de més de 50 anys que em van ajudar.

I'd teach myself how to want things,

M'ensenyaria com voler les coses,

how to stand up, how to ask for them.

com aixercar-me, com demanar-les.

I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."

Diria, "Tu! Sí, tu! Pertanys a la sala, també."

The radiance falls on all of us,

La pinta radiant cau en tots nosaltres,

and we are nothing without each other.

i no som res l'un sense l'atre.

Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

En el seu lloc, vaig tornar cap a Oregon,

and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,

i mentre mirava les fulles perennes i la pluja tornava a la vista,

I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

Vaig beure'm tantes ampolles petites que deiem "senteix llàstima per tu mateix"

I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.

Pensava sobre com, si fós una escriptora, era com una mena d'escriptora inadaptada.

What I'm saying is,

El que estic dient és,

I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

vaig tornar a Oregon sense un repartiment de llibre,

without an agent,

sense representant,

and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories

i només anb un cap i un cor ple de records

of having sat so near

d'aver d'assentar-me tan aprop

the beautiful writers.

dels escriptors bonics.

Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.

La memòria va ser l'únic premi que em vaig permetre.

And yet, at home in the dark,

I encara, a casa a les foques,

back in my underwear,

amb roba interior,

I could still hear their voices.

encara podiar escoltar les seves veus.

They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up

Deien, "No escoltis a ningú que intenti fer-te callar

or change your story."

o canviar la teva història."

They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."

Deien, "Dóna veu a la història que només tu saps explicar."

They said, "Sometimes telling the story

Deien, "A vegades explicar la història

is the thing that saves your life."

és el que et salva la vida."

Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.

Ara sóc, com podeu veure, la dona de més de 50 anys.

And I'm a writer.

I sóc escriptora.

And I'm a mother.

Sóc mare.

And I became a teacher.

I em vaig convertir en mestra.

Guess who my favorite students are.

Endevineu qui són els meus alumnes preferits.

Although it didn't happen the day

Tot i que no va passar el dia

that dream letter came through my mailbox,

que la somiada carta va arribar a la bústia,

I did write a memoir,

sí que vaig escriure una memòria,

called "The Chronology of Water."

anomenada "La cronologia de l'aigua."

In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self

A dins hi ha les històries sobre quantes vegades m'he hagut de reinventar

from the ruins of my choices,

des de les runes de les meves eleccions,

the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals

les històries sobre com els meus fracassos eren només portals extranys

to something beautiful.

fins algo bonic.

All I had to do was give voice to the story.

Tot el que vaig haver de fer va ser donar veu a la història.

There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.

Hi ha un mite a la majoria de cultures sobre perseguir el teus somnis.

It's called the hero's journey.

S'anomena el camí d'un heroi.

But I prefer a different myth,

Però prefereixo un mite diferent,

that's slightly to the side of that

que és lleugerament cap a la banda,

or underneath it.

o per sota d'això.

It's called the misfit's myth.

És el mite dels inadaptats.

And it goes like this:

I diu així:

even at the moment of your failure,

fins i tot al moment del teu fracàs,

right then, you are beautiful.

ets bonic.

You don't know it yet,

Encara no saps,

but you have the ability to reinvent yourself

però tens l'abilitat de reinventar-te

endlessly.

sense fi.

That's your beauty.

Aquesta és la teva bellesa.

You can be a drunk,

Pots ser un borratxo,

you can be a survivor of abuse,

supervivent d'abús,

you can be an ex-con,

un ex convicte,

you can be a homeless person,

un rodamón,

you can lose all your money or your job or your husband

pots perdre tot els teus diners o la teva feina o el teu home

or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

o la teva dona, però el pitjor de tot,

a child.

un fill.

You can even lose your marbles.

Pots perdre fins i tot els teus marbres.

You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure

Pots estar dreta en un centre mort al mig del teu fracàs

and still, I'm only here to tell you,

i encara, jo seré l'única allà per dir-te

you are so beautiful.

que ets tant bonic.

Your story deserves to be heard,

La teva història es mereix ser escoltada,

because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,

perquè tu, tu extrany i fenomenal inadaptat,

you new species,

tu nova espècie,

are the only one in the room

ets l'únic a la sala

who can tell the story

que pot explicar la història

the way only you would.

de l'única manera que tu ho faries.

And I'd be listening.

I jo estaré escoltant.

Thank you.

Gràcies.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)