The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

翻译人员: Yu Liu 校对人员: Boey Chan

So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

我知道 TED 总是谈一些大事

but I want to talk to you about something very small.

但是我想讲一件微不足道的小事

So small, it's a single word.

小到只有一个词

The word is "misfit."

“异类。”

It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.

这是我最喜欢的词， 因为简单明了

I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.

这样的人是一个无法融入，

Or a person who fits in badly.

或者融入得很差的人，

Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

或者“一个很难适应

to new situations and environments."

新位置和新环境的人。”

I'm a card-carrying misfit.

我是真正的异类。

And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,

我代表这里的所有异类站在这里，

because I'm never the only one.

因为我并不孤单。

I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

我将讲述一个异类的故事。

Somewhere in my early 30s,

在我三十岁出头的时候，

the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.

成为作家的梦想在向我招手。

Actually, it came to my mailbox

准确地说我在我的邮箱里

in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize

发现了一封信 信上说我写的小说

for a short story I had written.

为我赢得了一份大奖。

The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer

小说讲述了 一名历经糟糕的家庭生活的

and about my crappy home life,

优秀的游泳运动员的故事，

and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.

还有一些关于 悲痛和困惑如何让人抓狂的情节。

The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents

赢得的奖励是 去纽约和知名的编辑、代理

and other authors.

和其他作家见面。

So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?

这是每个作家的梦想，对吧？

You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?

各位知道我看到信后做了什么吗？

Because I'm me,

因为我是不适者，

I put the letter on my kitchen table,

我把信放在厨房桌子上，

I poured myself a giant glass of vodka

给自己倒了一大杯加了冰和柠檬的

with ice and lime,

伏特加，

and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,

就这样穿着内衣看着那封信

just staring at the letter.

坐了一整天。

I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.

我在考虑以前 把我的生活毁了的各种方式。

Who the hell was I to go to New York City

那个要去纽约装作是一位作家的我

and pretend to be a writer?

到底是谁？

Who was I?

我是谁？

I'll tell you.

我来告诉各位。

I was a misfit.

我是一个异类。

Like legions of other children,

就像千千万万其他的孩子，

I came from an abusive household

我来自一个受虐待的家庭，

that I narrowly escaped with my life.

只不过我侥幸逃脱了。

I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.

在我的生命中已经 经历了两次婚姻的大失败。

I'd flunked out of college not once but twice

我考大学失败了两次，

and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.

也许会有第三次 我不会告诉你们的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.

我还有一段戒毒的美妙经历。

And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.

我还在监狱里度过两次假。

So I'm on the right stage.

所以我应该站在这里。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,

但是我想，真正的原因是 我是一个异类。

is that my daughter died the day she was born,

我的女儿在出生的那天就去世了，

and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.

我当时根本无法接受这件事。

After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,

女儿去世后我无家可归了一段时间，

living under an overpass

住在一个天桥下。

in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss

那种无尽的悲痛和困惑

that some of us encounter along the way.

是很多人一生中都会遇到的。

Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

如果活得够久 也许所有人都会遇到。

You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,

无家可归的人是 我们之中最伟大的异类，

because they start out as us.

因为从那时起他们 就成为了我这样的人。

So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:

可以看到我与所有的生活格格不入：

daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

作为女儿，作为妻子， 作为妈妈，作为学者。

And the dream of being a writer

而想要成为作家的梦想

was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.

也一直如鲠在喉。

It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane

我没有理会自己的不适 就登上了飞机，

and flew to New York City,

准备前往纽约

where the writers are.

和各位作家见面。

Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.

异类们， 我几乎可以看到你们头上的光芒。

I can pick you out of a room.

我可以在屋子里认出你来。

At first, you would've loved it.

一开始旅程是美妙的。

You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,

每个人可以选择三位最想见的知名作家

and these guys went and found them for you.

会有人为你联系他们。

You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

大家下榻在格拉梅西公园酒店，

where you got to drink Scotch late in the night

在那里可以和 出色，聪明，华丽的人喝

with cool, smart, swank people.

苏格兰威士忌直到深夜。

And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.

你要装作同样出色，聪明，华丽。

And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents

你会在无比精美的午餐和晚宴中

at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

会见一系列的编辑作家和经纪人。

Ask me how fancy.

快问我多么精美。

Audience: How fancy?

观众：有多么精美？

Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --

我承认我从三个不同的饭店偷了三块

(Laughter)

（笑声）

from three different restaurants.

亚麻餐巾。

And I shoved a menu down my pants.

我还在裤子里藏了一张菜单。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,

我只是想在我回家时 还能看到一些我带回来的纪念品

I could believe it had really happened to me.

让我相信我真的去过这里。

You know?

你明白么？

The three writers I wanted to meet

我想见的三位作家是

were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.

卡罗尔·马索，琳恩·蒂尔曼 和佩吉·费伦。

These were not famous, best-selling authors,

她们不算是最知名和畅销的作家，

but to me, they were women-writer titans.

但是我把她们奉若神明。

Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.

卡罗尔·马索的书 后来成为了我的艺术指导。

Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe

琳恩·蒂尔曼 给了我信心让我相信

that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.

将来我的故事 会被世界上的人所知晓。

And Peggy Phelan reminded me

佩吉·费伦则提醒我

that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.

我的头脑比胸部更加重要。

They weren't mainstream women writers,

她们不是主流女作家，

but they were cutting a path through the mainstream

但是她们用自己的故事题材 在主流文学中

with their body stories,

独树一帜，

I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.

另辟蹊径。

It nearly killed me with joy

能和这三位

to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.

50多岁的女作家聊天 快把我乐疯了。

And the reason it nearly killed me with joy

因为我从来不知道

is that I'd never known a joy like that.

生活可以这么开心。

I'd never been in a room like that.

我的生活中从来没有 打开过这样美好的一扇门。

My mother never went to college.

我的母亲没有上过大学。

And my creative career to that point

从这一点来说我的创作生涯

was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

本来就是一个很小的，卑微的， 会胎死腹中的事。

So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.

在纽约的前几天 我希望就死在那里。

I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."

我想说“杀了我吧。 我要葬在这美好之中。”

Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.

接下来发生了什么 屋子里的一些人会理解。

First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

首先，他们把我带到了 法勒，斯特劳斯和吉鲁的办公室。

Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.

法勒，斯特劳斯和吉鲁 是我的终极梦想出版社。

I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.

艾略特的诗集和弗兰纳里·奥康纳 的小说都在那里出版。

The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,

主编让我坐下和我聊了很久，

trying to convince me I had a book in me

一直在试图让我相信我写了一本关于

about my life as a swimmer.

我自己是游泳运动员的书。

You know, like a memoir.

就像用备忘录让我回忆一样。

The whole time he was talking to me,

整个谈话期间

I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,

我双手交叉在胸前 不住地微笑和点头，

with my arms crossed over my chest,

却一句话都不说，

while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.

麻木的像个傻子。

So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder

最后他像一个游泳教练一样

like a swim coach might.

拍了拍我的肩膀。

And he wished me luck

他祝我好运

and he gave me some free books

送了我几本免费的书

and he showed me out the door.

请我出去了。

Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,

接下来他们让我去 W.W.诺顿的办公室，

where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building

我以为穿了马腾斯博士靴的我

just for wearing Doc Martens.

一定会有人陪同一起过去。

But that didn't happen.

但是并没有人陪我。

Being at the Norton offices

在诺顿的办公室里

felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon

就像身处洪荒，摘星揽月

while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.

群星闪烁 在无尽的宇宙中编织着我的名字。

I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.

这是我人生中多么重大的一件事啊。

You get it?

你明白了么？

Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

他们的主编，卡罗尔·霍克史密斯，

leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

靠在我面前 闪烁着有神，明亮，犀利的目光

and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"

跟我说：“寄给我 你的一些作品，马上！”

See, now most people, especially TED people,

大部分人，尤其是来能TED的人

would have run to the mailbox, right?

马上会去寄，对吧？

It took me over a decade to even imagine

而我花了很久的时间来思考

putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.

要不要做这件事。

On the last night,

在最后一天晚上

I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.

我在全国诗歌俱乐部 做了一场读书会。

And at the end of the reading,

在读书会结束的时候，

Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

凯德公司的凯瑟琳·凯德 和霍伊特与皮卡德文学社的人

walked straight up to me and shook my hand

径直走向我与我握手

and offered me representation, like, on the spot.

当场让我做他们的代表

I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

我像失聪了一样站在那里。

Has this ever happened to you?

这种事发生在各位身上过么？

And I almost started crying

我几乎要哭了出来

because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,

因为所有屋子里的人都如此华丽

and all that came out of my mouth was:

然而我却只能说

"I don't know. I have to think about it."

“我不知道，我要再想想”那样的话。

And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

她说：“当然。”然后离开了。

All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...

尽管很多人伸来了橄榄枝 我仍然如鲠在喉

You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.

各位，我尽量告诉大家 像我这样的人的感受。

Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes

异类经常不知道 怎样期待和回答

or choose the big thing,

也不知道在大事面前如何选择。

even when it's right in front of us.

哪怕它们就在我们面前。

It's a shame we carry.

这是我们身上的耻辱。

It's the shame of wanting something good.

这是想接受美好时 就会有的耻辱。

It's the shame of feeling something good.

这是想感受美好时 就会有的耻辱。

It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room

这种耻辱让我们不敢相信 我们应该和那些我们敬仰的人

with the people we admire.

站在同一个屋檐下。

If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.

如果可以回到过去 我要像那些

I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.

50多岁的女人告诉我的那样 告诫自己。

I'd teach myself how to want things,

我要教自己去诉说我的需求，

how to stand up, how to ask for them.

站起来，要回属于我的东西。

I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."

我会跟我自己说：“你！ 就是你！你应该在这个屋子里。”

The radiance falls on all of us,

只有和大家团结在一起，

and we are nothing without each other.

每个人才是光芒四射的。

Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

可现实是，我飞回了俄勒冈，

and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,

看着窗外的雨拍打着常青树

I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

我不禁借酒浇愁。

I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.

我想就算我是一个作家 我也只是作家中的异类。

What I'm saying is,

我想说，

I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

我回到俄勒冈， 没有签下一个书约，

without an agent,

没有经纪人同行，

and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories

有的只是满满的回忆。

of having sat so near

我曾经和那些美丽的作家

the beautiful writers.

离得那么近。

Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.

回忆是我给自己的奖励。

And yet, at home in the dark,

然后当我回到家的黑暗中，

back in my underwear,

穿回我的内衣，

I could still hear their voices.

我还能够听见她们的声音。

They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up

她们说：“不要让任何 试图让你闭嘴的人

or change your story."

改变你的故事。”

They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."

她们说：“表达只有你 才知道的感受。”

They said, "Sometimes telling the story

她们说：“有时候写书可以

is the thing that saves your life."

改变你的一生。”

Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.

现在，我也50多岁了。

And I'm a writer.

我是一个作家。

And I'm a mother.

我是一位母亲。

And I became a teacher.

我也成为了一名老师。

Guess who my favorite students are.

猜猜我最喜欢的学生是谁。

Although it didn't happen the day

我写了一篇回忆录，

that dream letter came through my mailbox,

尽管不是从邮筒拿出信的

I did write a memoir,

那一天写的，

called "The Chronology of Water."

叫做“似水年华”。

In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self

书里讲述的是我如何在 人生选择的废墟中

from the ruins of my choices,

重生的故事。

the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals

书里讲述的是那些 我的失败如何奇迹般地

to something beautiful.

通向美好的故事。

All I had to do was give voice to the story.

我要做的就是让大家听到我的故事。

There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.

每一种文化中都有追梦的神话，

It's called the hero's journey.

大多数叫做英雄之路。

But I prefer a different myth,

不过我更喜欢另一种神话，

that's slightly to the side of that

一种过程不同，

or underneath it.

不为人所知的神话，

It's called the misfit's myth.

叫做异类的神话。

And it goes like this:

它是这样的：

even at the moment of your failure,

即使那时候你失败了，

right then, you are beautiful.

失败的你也是美好的。

You don't know it yet,

你可能没有发觉

but you have the ability to reinvent yourself

那个不断地

endlessly.

试图重生的你

That's your beauty.

是最美丽的。

You can be a drunk,

你可以醉酒，

you can be a survivor of abuse,

你可以从虐待中逃脱出来，

you can be an ex-con,

你可以有前科，

you can be a homeless person,

你可以无家可归，

you can lose all your money or your job or your husband

你可以失去所有的钱， 工作甚至另一半，

or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

或者最难过的莫过于，

a child.

你失去了你的孩子，

You can even lose your marbles.

甚至失去理智。

You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure

你站在失败的正中心，

and still, I'm only here to tell you,

此时我要告诉你，

you are so beautiful.

你是那么美好。

Your story deserves to be heard,

你的故事应该被大家听到

because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,

因为你是稀有的，是独特的， 是独一无二的异类，

you new species,

这个屋子里

are the only one in the room

只有你可以

who can tell the story

用只有你才会的方式

the way only you would.

来讲述你的故事。

And I'd be listening.

而我会静静地聆听。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）