The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

519,780 views ・ 2016-06-15

TED


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翻译人员: Yu Liu 校对人员: Boey Chan
00:12
So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,
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我知道 TED 总是谈一些大事
00:16
but I want to talk to you about something very small.
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但是我想讲一件微不足道的小事
00:20
So small, it's a single word.
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小到只有一个词
00:23
The word is "misfit."
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“异类。”
00:25
It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.
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这是我最喜欢的词, 因为简单明了
00:29
I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.
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这样的人是一个无法融入,
00:33
Or a person who fits in badly.
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或者融入得很差的人,
00:36
Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted
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或者“一个很难适应
00:39
to new situations and environments."
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新位置和新环境的人。”
00:43
I'm a card-carrying misfit.
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我是真正的异类。
00:46
And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,
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我代表这里的所有异类站在这里,
00:49
because I'm never the only one.
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因为我并不孤单。
00:51
I'm going to tell you a misfit story.
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我将讲述一个异类的故事。
00:55
Somewhere in my early 30s,
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在我三十岁出头的时候,
00:57
the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.
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成为作家的梦想在向我招手。
01:02
Actually, it came to my mailbox
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准确地说我在我的邮箱里
01:03
in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize
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发现了一封信 信上说我写的小说
01:07
for a short story I had written.
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为我赢得了一份大奖。
01:10
The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer
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小说讲述了 一名历经糟糕的家庭生活的
01:14
and about my crappy home life,
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优秀的游泳运动员的故事,
01:17
and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.
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还有一些关于 悲痛和困惑如何让人抓狂的情节。
01:23
The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents
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赢得的奖励是 去纽约和知名的编辑、代理
01:28
and other authors.
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和其他作家见面。
01:30
So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?
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这是每个作家的梦想,对吧?
01:34
You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?
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各位知道我看到信后做了什么吗?
01:38
Because I'm me,
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因为我是不适者,
01:39
I put the letter on my kitchen table,
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我把信放在厨房桌子上,
01:42
I poured myself a giant glass of vodka
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给自己倒了一大杯加了冰和柠檬的
01:45
with ice and lime,
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伏特加,
01:48
and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,
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就这样穿着内衣看着那封信
01:52
just staring at the letter.
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坐了一整天。
01:56
I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.
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我在考虑以前 把我的生活毁了的各种方式。
01:59
Who the hell was I to go to New York City
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那个要去纽约装作是一位作家的我
02:02
and pretend to be a writer?
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到底是谁?
02:05
Who was I?
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我是谁?
02:07
I'll tell you.
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我来告诉各位。
02:08
I was a misfit.
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我是一个异类。
02:10
Like legions of other children,
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就像千千万万其他的孩子,
02:13
I came from an abusive household
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我来自一个受虐待的家庭,
02:16
that I narrowly escaped with my life.
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只不过我侥幸逃脱了。
02:19
I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.
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在我的生命中已经 经历了两次婚姻的大失败。
02:24
I'd flunked out of college not once but twice
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我考大学失败了两次,
02:27
and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.
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也许会有第三次 我不会告诉你们的。
02:30
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
02:32
And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.
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我还有一段戒毒的美妙经历。
02:36
And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.
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我还在监狱里度过两次假。
02:42
So I'm on the right stage.
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所以我应该站在这里。
02:45
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
02:48
But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,
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但是我想,真正的原因是 我是一个异类。
02:52
is that my daughter died the day she was born,
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我的女儿在出生的那天就去世了,
02:55
and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.
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我当时根本无法接受这件事。
03:00
After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,
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女儿去世后我无家可归了一段时间,
03:05
living under an overpass
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住在一个天桥下。
03:07
in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss
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那种无尽的悲痛和困惑
03:11
that some of us encounter along the way.
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是很多人一生中都会遇到的。
03:14
Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.
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如果活得够久 也许所有人都会遇到。
03:18
You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,
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无家可归的人是 我们之中最伟大的异类,
03:22
because they start out as us.
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因为从那时起他们 就成为了我这样的人。
03:26
So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:
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可以看到我与所有的生活格格不入:
03:32
daughter, wife, mother, scholar.
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作为女儿,作为妻子, 作为妈妈,作为学者。
03:37
And the dream of being a writer
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而想要成为作家的梦想
03:39
was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.
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也一直如鲠在喉。
03:46
It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane
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我没有理会自己的不适 就登上了飞机,
03:50
and flew to New York City,
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准备前往纽约
03:52
where the writers are.
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和各位作家见面。
03:55
Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.
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异类们, 我几乎可以看到你们头上的光芒。
03:58
I can pick you out of a room.
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我可以在屋子里认出你来。
04:00
At first, you would've loved it.
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一开始旅程是美妙的。
04:03
You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,
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每个人可以选择三位最想见的知名作家
04:06
and these guys went and found them for you.
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会有人为你联系他们。
04:08
You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,
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大家下榻在格拉梅西公园酒店,
04:11
where you got to drink Scotch late in the night
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在那里可以和 出色,聪明,华丽的人喝
04:14
with cool, smart, swank people.
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苏格兰威士忌直到深夜。
04:16
And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.
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你要装作同样出色,聪明,华丽。
04:21
And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents
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你会在无比精美的午餐和晚宴中
04:24
at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.
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会见一系列的编辑作家和经纪人。
04:29
Ask me how fancy.
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快问我多么精美。
04:31
Audience: How fancy?
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观众:有多么精美?
04:34
Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --
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我承认我从三个不同的饭店偷了三块
04:38
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
04:40
from three different restaurants.
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亚麻餐巾。
04:42
And I shoved a menu down my pants.
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我还在裤子里藏了一张菜单。
04:44
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
04:46
I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,
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我只是想在我回家时 还能看到一些我带回来的纪念品
04:50
I could believe it had really happened to me.
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让我相信我真的去过这里。
04:53
You know?
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你明白么?
04:55
The three writers I wanted to meet
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我想见的三位作家是
04:57
were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.
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卡罗尔·马索,琳恩·蒂尔曼 和佩吉·费伦。
05:00
These were not famous, best-selling authors,
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她们不算是最知名和畅销的作家,
05:03
but to me, they were women-writer titans.
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但是我把她们奉若神明。
05:07
Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.
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卡罗尔·马索的书 后来成为了我的艺术指导。
05:12
Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe
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琳恩·蒂尔曼 给了我信心让我相信
05:14
that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.
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将来我的故事 会被世界上的人所知晓。
05:18
And Peggy Phelan reminded me
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佩吉·费伦则提醒我
05:20
that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.
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我的头脑比胸部更加重要。
05:27
They weren't mainstream women writers,
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她们不是主流女作家,
05:30
but they were cutting a path through the mainstream
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但是她们用自己的故事题材 在主流文学中
05:34
with their body stories,
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独树一帜,
05:36
I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.
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另辟蹊径。
05:41
It nearly killed me with joy
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能和这三位
05:43
to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.
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50多岁的女作家聊天 快把我乐疯了。
05:46
And the reason it nearly killed me with joy
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因为我从来不知道
05:49
is that I'd never known a joy like that.
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生活可以这么开心。
05:52
I'd never been in a room like that.
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我的生活中从来没有 打开过这样美好的一扇门。
05:54
My mother never went to college.
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我的母亲没有上过大学。
05:56
And my creative career to that point
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从这一点来说我的创作生涯
05:59
was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.
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本来就是一个很小的,卑微的, 会胎死腹中的事。
06:05
So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.
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在纽约的前几天 我希望就死在那里。
06:08
I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."
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我想说“杀了我吧。 我要葬在这美好之中。”
06:13
Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.
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接下来发生了什么 屋子里的一些人会理解。
06:16
First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
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首先,他们把我带到了 法勒,斯特劳斯和吉鲁的办公室。
06:21
Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.
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法勒,斯特劳斯和吉鲁 是我的终极梦想出版社。
06:25
I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.
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艾略特的诗集和弗兰纳里·奥康纳 的小说都在那里出版。
06:29
The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,
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主编让我坐下和我聊了很久,
06:33
trying to convince me I had a book in me
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一直在试图让我相信我写了一本关于
06:36
about my life as a swimmer.
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我自己是游泳运动员的书。
06:38
You know, like a memoir.
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就像用备忘录让我回忆一样。
06:40
The whole time he was talking to me,
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整个谈话期间
06:42
I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,
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我双手交叉在胸前 不住地微笑和点头,
06:47
with my arms crossed over my chest,
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却一句话都不说,
06:49
while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.
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麻木的像个傻子。
06:55
So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder
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最后他像一个游泳教练一样
06:59
like a swim coach might.
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拍了拍我的肩膀。
07:01
And he wished me luck
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他祝我好运
07:03
and he gave me some free books
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送了我几本免费的书
07:05
and he showed me out the door.
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请我出去了。
07:09
Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,
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接下来他们让我去 W.W.诺顿的办公室,
07:12
where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building
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我以为穿了马腾斯博士靴的我
07:15
just for wearing Doc Martens.
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一定会有人陪同一起过去。
07:18
But that didn't happen.
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但是并没有人陪我。
07:20
Being at the Norton offices
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在诺顿的办公室里
07:22
felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon
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就像身处洪荒,摘星揽月
07:27
while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.
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群星闪烁 在无尽的宇宙中编织着我的名字。
07:31
I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.
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这是我人生中多么重大的一件事啊。
07:33
You get it?
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你明白了么?
07:35
Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,
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他们的主编,卡罗尔·霍克史密斯,
07:38
leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes
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靠在我面前 闪烁着有神,明亮,犀利的目光
07:42
and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"
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跟我说:“寄给我 你的一些作品,马上!”
07:46
See, now most people, especially TED people,
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大部分人,尤其是来能TED的人
07:48
would have run to the mailbox, right?
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马上会去寄,对吧?
07:51
It took me over a decade to even imagine
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而我花了很久的时间来思考
07:54
putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.
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要不要做这件事。
08:00
On the last night,
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在最后一天晚上
08:02
I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.
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我在全国诗歌俱乐部 做了一场读书会。
08:06
And at the end of the reading,
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在读书会结束的时候,
08:08
Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,
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凯德公司的凯瑟琳·凯德 和霍伊特与皮卡德文学社的人
08:12
walked straight up to me and shook my hand
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径直走向我与我握手
08:15
and offered me representation, like, on the spot.
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当场让我做他们的代表
08:20
I stood there and I kind of went deaf.
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我像失聪了一样站在那里。
08:23
Has this ever happened to you?
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这种事发生在各位身上过么?
08:25
And I almost started crying
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我几乎要哭了出来
08:27
because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,
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因为所有屋子里的人都如此华丽
08:31
and all that came out of my mouth was:
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然而我却只能说
08:34
"I don't know. I have to think about it."
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“我不知道,我要再想想”那样的话。
08:38
And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.
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她说:“当然。”然后离开了。
08:44
All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...
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尽管很多人伸来了橄榄枝 我仍然如鲠在喉
08:51
You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.
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各位,我尽量告诉大家 像我这样的人的感受。
08:55
Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes
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异类经常不知道 怎样期待和回答
08:59
or choose the big thing,
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也不知道在大事面前如何选择。
09:01
even when it's right in front of us.
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哪怕它们就在我们面前。
09:03
It's a shame we carry.
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这是我们身上的耻辱。
09:04
It's the shame of wanting something good.
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这是想接受美好时 就会有的耻辱。
09:06
It's the shame of feeling something good.
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这是想感受美好时 就会有的耻辱。
09:08
It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room
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这种耻辱让我们不敢相信 我们应该和那些我们敬仰的人
09:13
with the people we admire.
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站在同一个屋檐下。
09:16
If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.
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如果可以回到过去 我要像那些
09:19
I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.
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50多岁的女人告诉我的那样 告诫自己。
09:23
I'd teach myself how to want things,
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我要教自己去诉说我的需求,
09:25
how to stand up, how to ask for them.
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站起来,要回属于我的东西。
09:28
I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."
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我会跟我自己说:“你! 就是你!你应该在这个屋子里。”
09:32
The radiance falls on all of us,
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只有和大家团结在一起,
09:34
and we are nothing without each other.
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每个人才是光芒四射的。
09:39
Instead, I flew back to Oregon,
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可现实是,我飞回了俄勒冈,
09:42
and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,
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看着窗外的雨拍打着常青树
09:48
I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."
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我不禁借酒浇愁。
09:53
I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.
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我想就算我是一个作家 我也只是作家中的异类。
09:59
What I'm saying is,
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我想说,
10:00
I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,
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我回到俄勒冈, 没有签下一个书约,
10:02
without an agent,
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没有经纪人同行,
10:03
and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories
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有的只是满满的回忆。
10:06
of having sat so near
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我曾经和那些美丽的作家
10:09
the beautiful writers.
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离得那么近。
10:12
Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.
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回忆是我给自己的奖励。
10:17
And yet, at home in the dark,
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然后当我回到家的黑暗中,
10:21
back in my underwear,
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穿回我的内衣,
10:23
I could still hear their voices.
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我还能够听见她们的声音。
10:26
They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up
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她们说:“不要让任何 试图让你闭嘴的人
10:30
or change your story."
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改变你的故事。”
10:32
They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."
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她们说:“表达只有你 才知道的感受。”
10:36
They said, "Sometimes telling the story
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她们说:“有时候写书可以
10:39
is the thing that saves your life."
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改变你的一生。”
10:43
Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.
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现在,我也50多岁了。
10:48
And I'm a writer.
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我是一个作家。
10:50
And I'm a mother.
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我是一位母亲。
10:52
And I became a teacher.
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我也成为了一名老师。
10:54
Guess who my favorite students are.
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猜猜我最喜欢的学生是谁。
10:58
Although it didn't happen the day
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我写了一篇回忆录,
11:00
that dream letter came through my mailbox,
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尽管不是从邮筒拿出信的
11:02
I did write a memoir,
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那一天写的,
11:04
called "The Chronology of Water."
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叫做“似水年华”。
11:06
In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self
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书里讲述的是我如何在 人生选择的废墟中
11:11
from the ruins of my choices,
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重生的故事。
11:14
the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals
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书里讲述的是那些 我的失败如何奇迹般地
11:20
to something beautiful.
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通向美好的故事。
11:22
All I had to do was give voice to the story.
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我要做的就是让大家听到我的故事。
11:27
There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.
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每一种文化中都有追梦的神话,
11:32
It's called the hero's journey.
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大多数叫做英雄之路。
11:35
But I prefer a different myth,
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不过我更喜欢另一种神话,
11:37
that's slightly to the side of that
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一种过程不同,
11:39
or underneath it.
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不为人所知的神话,
11:41
It's called the misfit's myth.
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叫做异类的神话。
11:43
And it goes like this:
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它是这样的:
11:45
even at the moment of your failure,
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即使那时候你失败了,
11:47
right then, you are beautiful.
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失败的你也是美好的。
11:51
You don't know it yet,
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你可能没有发觉
11:52
but you have the ability to reinvent yourself
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那个不断地
11:55
endlessly.
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试图重生的你
11:57
That's your beauty.
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是最美丽的。
11:59
You can be a drunk,
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你可以醉酒,
12:01
you can be a survivor of abuse,
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你可以从虐待中逃脱出来,
12:03
you can be an ex-con,
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你可以有前科,
12:05
you can be a homeless person,
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你可以无家可归,
12:06
you can lose all your money or your job or your husband
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你可以失去所有的钱, 工作甚至另一半,
12:09
or your wife, or the worst thing of all,
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或者最难过的莫过于,
12:12
a child.
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你失去了你的孩子,
12:13
You can even lose your marbles.
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甚至失去理智。
12:15
You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure
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你站在失败的正中心,
12:20
and still, I'm only here to tell you,
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此时我要告诉你,
12:22
you are so beautiful.
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你是那么美好。
12:25
Your story deserves to be heard,
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你的故事应该被大家听到
12:27
because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,
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因为你是稀有的,是独特的, 是独一无二的异类,
12:31
you new species,
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这个屋子里
12:34
are the only one in the room
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只有你可以
12:36
who can tell the story
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用只有你才会的方式
12:38
the way only you would.
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来讲述你的故事。
12:41
And I'd be listening.
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而我会静静地聆听。
12:44
Thank you.
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谢谢。
12:46
(Applause)
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(掌声)
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