Falling in love is the easy part | Mandy Len Catron

譯者: Allen Kuo 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

I published this article

這篇文章是我

in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year.

今年一月在《紐約時報》的 《現代愛情》專欄發表的。

"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

《想和任何人墜入愛河，就這麼做》

And the article is about a psychological study

這篇文章是在寫一個

designed to create romantic love in the laboratory,

設計來在實驗室裡創造 浪漫愛情的心理研究，

and my own experience trying the study myself

還有我自己進行這項研究的經驗，

one night last summer.

就在去年夏天的某個晚上。

So the procedure is fairly simple:

這個研究的步驟頗為簡單：

two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions

兩個陌生人輪流問對方 36個循序漸進的私人問題，

and then they stare into each other's eyes

然後注視著對方的雙眼，

without speaking for four minutes.

維持四分鐘完全不交談。

So here are a couple of sample questions.

這裡有一些範例題目。

Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability,

第12題：如果你明天醒來時 可以獲得任何特質或能力，

what would it be?

你會希望是什麼?

Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person?

第28題：上一次你在 別人面前哭泣是在何時?

By yourself?

上次獨自哭泣又是何時?

As you can see, they really do get more personal as they go along.

如你們所見，這些問題 真的越問越私人。

Number 30, I really like this one:

第30題，這個我很喜歡：

Tell your partner what you like about them;

告訴對方，你喜歡他們的哪些部分；

be very honest this time,

這次請試著非常誠實，

saying things you might not say to someone you just met.

說一些你可能不會對 初次見面的人說的事情。

So when I first came across this study a few years earlier,

所以幾年前當我第一次 接觸這個研究時，

one detail really stuck out to me,

有一件事情令我印象深刻，

and that was the rumor that two of the participants

就是有個傳聞，說有兩個受測者

had gotten married six months later,

在進行測試的六個月之後結婚了，

and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

而且還邀請整個實驗室的人參加婚禮。

So I was of course very skeptical

所以我當然非常懷疑

about this process of just manufacturing romantic love,

這個就這麼製造浪漫愛情的過程，

but of course I was intrigued.

但當然我也非常好奇。

And when I got the chance to try this study myself,

而當我有機會自己測試這項研究時，

with someone I knew but not particularly well,

我找了一個認識但不很熟的人，

I wasn't expecting to fall in love.

而我不認為我們會墜入愛河。

But then we did, and --

但最後我們的確有，而且--

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And I thought it made a good story, so I sent it to the Modern Love column

而且我認為我們創造了不錯的故事， 所以我把它寄給《現代愛情》專欄，

a few months later.

就在那之後幾個月。

Now, this was published in January,

現在，這篇文章在一月時刊出，

and now it is August,

而現在是八月，

so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering,

所以我想你們大概在想，

are we still together?

我們還在一起嗎?

And the reason I think you might be wondering this

我覺得你們大概在想這件事的原因，

is because I have been asked this question

是因為在過去七個月以來，

again and again and again for the past seven months.

我已經一次又一次又一次地 被問這個問題了。

And this question is really what I want to talk about today.

而這正是我今天想談論的事情，

But let's come back to it.

但我們之後再回到這個問題。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So the week before the article came out,

所以在那篇文章刊出前，

I was very nervous.

我非常地緊張。

I had been working on a book about love stories

我一直在寫一本關於愛情故事的書，

for the past few years,

已經好幾年了。

so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences

所以已經很習慣在部落格上

with romantic love on my blog.

寫一些自己的愛情經驗。

But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most,

但部落格文章頂多有幾百個瀏覽數，

and those were usually just my Facebook friends,

而且那些通常只是臉書上的朋友，

and I figured my article in the New York Times

而我估算在《紐約時報》上的文章

would probably get a few thousand views.

可能會有幾千個瀏覽數。

And that felt like a lot of attention

這感覺是有很多眼睛在盯著

on a relatively new relationship.

一段相對新的愛情關係。

But as it turned out, I had no idea.

但事情的結果是，我大錯特錯。

So the article was published online

那篇文章在網路上刊出，

on a Friday evening,

是在一個週五的晚上，

and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog.

而到週六時，我的部落格 已經出現這樣的湧入量。

And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called.

而到週日時，《今日秀》 和《早安美國》都打電話給我

Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views,

在一個月內，那篇文章 已經超過800萬次瀏覽，

and I was, to say the least,

而我，簡而言之，

underprepared for this sort of attention.

並沒有做好面對這麼多關注的準備。

It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly

提起信心真實地寫出

about your experiences with love,

自己的戀愛經驗是一回事，

but it is another thing to discover

但發現你的愛情生活

that your love life has made international news --

已經變成國際新聞則是另一回事。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

and to realize that people across the world

還有發現全世界的人

are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship.

真的非常投入在你新戀情的狀態。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks,

而當人們打電話或寄信給你， 連續好幾週這種事情每天都發生，

they always asked the same question first:

他們總是先問一樣的問題：

are you guys still together?

你們還在一起嗎?

In fact, as I was preparing this talk,

事實上，在準備這場演說時，

I did a quick search of my email inbox

我快速搜尋了電子郵件的收件匣，

for the phrase "Are you still together?"

尋找「你們還在一起嗎?」的關鍵字，

and several messages popped up immediately.

立即跳出許多搜尋結果。

They were from students and journalists

這些信來自學生、專欄作家、

and friendly strangers like this one.

還有像這個友善的陌生人。

I did radio interviews and they asked.

我做廣播訪談的時候，他們也問了。

I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage,

我在演講時，甚至 有位女士對著講台大喊：

"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"

「嘿，曼蒂，你的男朋友在哪裡？」

And I promptly turned bright red.

我馬上漲紅了臉。

I understand that this is part of the deal.

我瞭解這有點像是交易條件的一部份，

If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper,

當你在一間國際報社 寫出自己的戀情時，

you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it.

就該預期大家會很自在地問這個問題。

But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response.

但我就是沒準備好 面對這種規模的回應。

The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own.

這36個問題似乎已經 活出各自的生命了。

In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article

事實上，《紐約時報》之後 還刊出了一篇後續文章，

for Valentine's Day,

就在情人節的時候，

which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves,

針對一些讀者自己進行測試的經驗，

with varying degrees of success.

和各種不同成功程度的結果。

So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention

所以面臨這一切關注，我的直覺反應

was to become very protective of my own relationship.

是變得非常保護自己的戀情。

I said no to every request for the two of us

我拒絕每一個邀請我們兩個

to do a media appearance together.

一起在媒體上露面的請求。

I turned down TV interviews,

我取消了電視訪談、

and I said no to every request for photos of the two us.

拒絕每一個希望能有我們合照的請求。

I think I was afraid that we would become

我想我是在怕我們會不小心成為

inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love,

這個讓人墜如愛河程序的象徵，

a position I did not at all feel qualified for.

而我認為自己並不具備這個條件。

And I get it:

我也懂啦：

people didn't just want to know if the study worked,

大家不只想知道這個研究是否可行，

they wanted to know if it really worked:

他們還想知道它的成果是否真的成功：

that is, if it was capable of producing love that would last,

也就是，它是否能 製造可以長久的愛情，

not just a fling, but real love, sustainable love.

不只是一時的，而是真正的愛情， 可以持續下去的愛情。

But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering.

但這不是個我自認有能力回答的問題。

My own relationship was only a few months old,

我自己的戀情才開始幾個月，

and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place.

而我覺得大家好像 一開始就問錯問題了。

What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them?

我們還在一起與否， 能真正說明什麼呢？

If the answer was no,

如果答案是否定的，

would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions

這是否會讓做這36個問題的實驗

any less worthwhile?

看起來沒那麼有價值？

Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions

亞瑟‧艾倫博士第一次寫出這些問題，

in this study here in 1997,

是在1997年的這篇研究裡，

and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love.

而在此，研究員的目的 並不是製造浪漫愛情，

Instead, they wanted to foster

而是想培養

interpersonal closeness among college students,

大學生彼此之間的親密，

by using what Aron called

透過艾倫所說的

"sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure."

「永續、增進、互惠、 人格上的自我揭露」

Sounds romantic, doesn't it?

聽起來很浪漫，不是嗎？

But the study did work.

但那研究確實有用。

The participants did feel closer after doing it,

受測者在測試後感覺彼此更緊密了，

and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol

而後來的幾個研究 也用艾倫的「快速交友模式」

as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers.

做為快速建立陌生人之間 信任和親密的方式，

They've used it between members of the police and members of community,

他們將它用在警察成員之間、 社區成員之間，

and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies.

還用在政治意識形態 彼此對立的人之間。

The original version of the story,

這個故事的初始版本，

the one that I tried last summer,

也就是我去年夏天嘗試的版本，

that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact,

彼此問私人問題和 四分鐘眼神接觸的版本，

was referenced in this article,

是參考自這篇文章的，

but unfortunately it was never published.

可惜的是它從來沒有被發表。

So a few months ago, I was giving a talk

所以幾個月前， 我在一間小型的人文教育大學

at a small liberal arts college,

演說的時候，

and a student came up to me afterwards

一個學生演講後跑來找我，

and he said, kind of shyly,

他有點害羞地說：

"So, I tried your study, and it didn't work."

「我試了你的研究，但沒有成功。」

He seemed a little mystified by this.

他看起來對此有點困惑。

"You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked.

「你是說，你並沒有和對方 墜入愛河嗎？」我問他。

"Well..." He paused.

「嗯...」他停頓了一下。

"I think she just wants to be friends."

「我想她只想和我當朋友。」

"But did you become better friends?" I asked.

「但你們有變成更好的朋友嗎？」我問，

"Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?"

「你們有覺得在實驗過後 變得真正瞭解對方嗎？」

He nodded.

他點頭。

"So, then it worked," I said.

「所以，那有成功啊。」我說。

I don't think this is the answer he was looking for.

我想這應該不是他想要的答案。

In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for

事實上，我不認為在談論愛情時，

when it comes to love.

這是大家想要的答案。

I first came across this study

我29歲時第一次接觸這個研究

when I was 29

and I was going through a really difficult breakup.

當時我正經歷一次非常痛苦的分手。

I had been in the relationship since I was 20,

那段戀情從我20歲就開始了，

which was basically my entire adult life,

基本上是我整個成年人生，

and he was my first real love,

而他是我的第一個真愛，

and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him.

沒有他，我不知道該如何活下去、 不知道我能否活下去。

So I turned to science.

所以我轉向科學尋求答案，

I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love,

我研究了所有我能找到的、 關於愛情的科學，

and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache.

而我想我當時希望的是 它能讓我免於心碎。

I don't know if I realized this at the time --

我不知道當時我是否意識到這點 --

I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing --

我以為我只是在為 正在寫的這本書進行研究 --

but it seems really obvious in retrospect.

但事後回想其實還滿明顯的。

I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love,

我希望如果用愛情的知識來武裝自己，

I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then.

或許就不會再次感到如此糟糕和孤單。

And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways.

某種程度上這些知識確實有用。

I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed.

對於愛情，我更有耐心、也更加放鬆。

I am more confident about asking for what I want.

我更有信心追求我想要的。

But I can also see myself more clearly,

但我也能更清楚地看見自己，

and I can see that what I want is sometimes more

也可以瞭解有時自己想要的，

than can reasonably be asked for.

比能夠合理要求的更多。

What I want from love is a guarantee,

我希望從愛情中得到的，是個保證，

not just that I am loved today

不是只有今天被愛著，

and that I will be loved tomorrow,

或是明天仍然被愛著，

but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely.

而是能夠持續地被我愛著的人愛著， 不管那個人是誰。

Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee

或許這種保證的機會有多大，

that people were really asking about

就是人們在問我們是否仍在一起時

when they wanted to know if we were still together.

真正想知道的答案。

So the story that the media told about the 36 questions

所以關於這36個問題， 媒體想說的故事

was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love.

是可能有種能讓人墜如愛河的捷徑。

There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved,

可能有種方法， 某種程度上可以降低其中的風險，

and this is a very appealing story,

而這會是個非常吸引人的故事，

because falling in love feels amazing,

因為墜入愛河是如此美妙的感覺，

but it's also terrifying.

但又同時令人膽怯。

The moment you admit to loving someone,

當你允許自己愛上某人時，

you admit to having a lot to lose,

也同時下定決心失去許多東西，

and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism

而這些問題確實提供了一種機制，

for getting to know someone quickly,

得以快速認識某人

which is also a mechanism for being known,

同時也快速地被認識，

and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love:

所以我認為這是我們大部分人 希望從愛情中獲得的東西：

to be known, to be seen, to be understood.

被認識、被看見、被瞭解。

But I think when it comes to love,

但我想當我們談到愛情時，

we are too willing to accept the short version of the story.

都太想要接受短版的故事。

The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?"

「你們還在一起嗎?」 這個問題的故事版本，

and is content with a yes or no answer.

只能用一個是或不是的答案來滿足。

So rather than that question,

所以與其這個問題，

I would propose we ask some more difficult questions,

我會建議問一些更難的問題，

questions like:

像是：

How do you decide who deserves your love

你如何決定誰值得你去愛，

and who does not?

而誰不值得？

How do you stay in love when things get difficult,

你如何在事情不順利時維持愛情，

and how do you know when to just cut and run?

還有如何知道何時要落荒而逃?

How do you live with the doubt

還有你如何

that inevitably creeps into every relationship,

與無可避免會悄悄溜進 每一段關係的懷疑共處？

or even harder,

或是更難的問題，

how do you live with your partner's doubt?

你如何和對方的懷疑共處？

I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions,

我不一定要知道這所有問題的解答，

but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation

但我認為要讓對於愛上某人的意義 這件事情有更深入的對談，

about what it means to love someone.

這些問題會是很重要的開始。

So, if you want it,

所以，如果你真的想知道，

the short version of the story of my relationship is this:

我戀情的短版故事是：

a year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study

一年前，我和一位友人做了這項

designed to create romantic love,

為創造愛情設計的研究，

and we fell in love,

而我們愛上對方，

and we are still together,

現在也還在一起，

and I am so glad.

而且我非常開心。

But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love.

但墜入愛河不等同於維持愛情。

Falling in love is the easy part.

墜入愛河只是簡單的部分。

So at the end of my article, I wrote, "Love didn't happen to us.

所以在文章的最後，我寫著： 「愛情並不是碰巧在我們身上發生。

We're in love because we each made the choice to be."

我們相愛是因為我們都選擇這麼做。」

And I cringe a little when I read that now,

而現在讀到這句話讓我有點難為情，

not because it isn't true,

不是因為這並非事實，

but because at the time, I really hadn't considered

而是因為在那時候，

我並沒有真正想到 這個選擇所包含的每一件事。

everything that was contained in that choice.

I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice,

我並沒有想到，有多少次 我們必須做出這個選擇，

and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice

未來有多少次我必須 繼續做出這樣的選擇，

without knowing whether or not he will always choose me.

儘管不知道對方是否總是會選擇我。

I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions,

我多希望問出並回答那36個問題，

and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun

選擇一個如此慷慨、體貼、有趣的人，

and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America.

然後在全美最大的報紙上廣播 這個決定，一切就已足夠。

But what I have done instead is turn my relationship

但我最後做的

卻是將我的戀情轉化為 那種我不太相信的神話。

into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in.

And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting,

而我想要的、可能會終其一生追求的，

is for that myth to be true.

卻是讓那個神話成真。

I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article,

我想要文章標題暗示的那個完美結局，

which is, incidentally,

也就是，順帶一提，

the only part of the article that I didn't actually write.

唯一我沒有真正寫在文章裡的部分。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone,

但取而代之的，我擁有的是 做出選擇愛誰的機會，

and the hope that he will choose to love me back,

還有他也會愛我的希望，

and it is terrifying,

這令人感到害怕，

but that's the deal with love.

但愛情就是這麼一回事。

Thank you.

謝謝各位。