Falling in love is the easy part | Mandy Len Catron

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Maja Covic

I published this article

Objavila sam članak

in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year.

u kolumni o modernoj ljubavi NY Timesa u siječnju ove godine.

"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

"Da se zaljubite u bilo koga, učinite ovo."

And the article is about a psychological study

U članku se radi o psihološkom eksperimentu

designed to create romantic love in the laboratory,

osmišljenom radi stvaranja romantične ljubavi u laboratoriju

and my own experience trying the study myself

i o vlastitom iskustvu u kojem sam pokušala ispitati sebe

one night last summer.

jedne večeri tijekom prošlog ljeta.

So the procedure is fairly simple:

Postupak je dosta jednostavan:

two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions

dva stranca naizmjence si postavljaju 36 pitanja koja postaju sve osobnija,

and then they stare into each other's eyes

a zatim gledaju jedno drugome u oči

without speaking for four minutes.

četiri minute - u tišini.

So here are a couple of sample questions.

Ovo su neka od pitanja.

Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability,

Pitanje br.12: Da se sutra možeš probuditi s jednom novom kvalitetom ili sposobnosti,

what would it be?

što bi izabrao/la?

Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person?

Pitanje br. 28: Kad si zadnji put plakao/la pred drugom osobom?

By yourself?

Ili sam/a?

As you can see, they really do get more personal as they go along.

Kao što možete vidjeti, što dalje idemo, pitanja zaista postaju sve osobnija.

Number 30, I really like this one:

Pitanje br. 30, ovo mi je baš super:

Tell your partner what you like about them;

Recite svom partneru što volite na njemu;

be very honest this time,

budite krajnje iskreni ovaj put,

saying things you might not say to someone you just met.

recite nešto što možda ne biste rekli nekome koga ste tek upoznali.

So when I first came across this study a few years earlier,

Kad sam prije nekoliko godina prvi put naišla na ovaj eskperiment,

one detail really stuck out to me,

jedan mi je detalj privukao pozornost --

and that was the rumor that two of the participants

glasina da se dvoje sudionika u eksperimentu

had gotten married six months later,

vjenčalo šest mjeseci kasnije

and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

i da su pozvali cijeli laboratorij na svadbu.

So I was of course very skeptical

Naravno, bila sam jako skeptična

about this process of just manufacturing romantic love,

po pitanju procesa stvaranja romantične ljubavi,

but of course I was intrigued.

ali me, naravno, i zaintrigirao.

And when I got the chance to try this study myself,

Kad sam dobila priliku i sama isprobati taj eksperiment

with someone I knew but not particularly well,

s nekim koga nisam pretjerano dobro poznavala,

I wasn't expecting to fall in love.

nisam očekivala da ću se zaljubiti,

But then we did, and --

ali zaljubili smo se i --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I thought it made a good story, so I sent it to the Modern Love column

-- i to mi se učinilo kao dobra priča, pa sam je poslala u kolumnu moderne ljubavi

a few months later.

nekoliko mjeseci kasnije.

Now, this was published in January,

Članak je objavljen u siječnju,

and now it is August,

a sada je kolovoz,

so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering,

pa se neki od vas vjerojatno pitaju

are we still together?

jesmo li još uvijek zajedno.

And the reason I think you might be wondering this

A to se vjerojatno pitate

is because I have been asked this question

zato što mi ovo pitanje

again and again and again for the past seven months.

neprestano ponavljaju tijekom zadnjih sedam mjeseci.

And this question is really what I want to talk about today.

To je pitanje ono o čemu danas želim govoriti.

But let's come back to it.

No, vratit ćemo se na njega.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So the week before the article came out,

Tjedan dana prije objave članka

I was very nervous.

bila sam jako nervozna.

I had been working on a book about love stories

Radim na knjizi ljubavnih priča

for the past few years,

zadnjih nekoliko godina,

so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences

pa sam se naviknula pisati o vlastitim iskustvima

with romantic love on my blog.

s romantičnom ljubavi na blogu.

But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most,

No, tekst na blogu može vidjeti najviše par stotina ljudi,

and those were usually just my Facebook friends,

i to su uglavnom moji prijatelji s Facebooka,

and I figured my article in the New York Times

a pretpostavila sam da će moj članak u New York Timesu

would probably get a few thousand views.

vidjeti nekoliko tisuća ljudi.

And that felt like a lot of attention

To mi se činilo kao prevelika pozornost

on a relatively new relationship.

za jednu relativno svježu vezu,

But as it turned out, I had no idea.

no ispostavilo se da nisam imala pojma koliko.

So the article was published online

Članak je objavljen na internetu

on a Friday evening,

u petak navečer,

and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog.

a do subote ovo se dogodilo posjećenosti mog bloga.

And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called.

Do nedjelje su me zvali i Today Show i Good Morning, America.

Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views,

Tijekom mjesec dana članak je pregledan preko 8 milijuna puta,

and I was, to say the least,

a ja sam bila, najblaže rečeno,

underprepared for this sort of attention.

nedovoljno pripremljena za toliku pozornost.

It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly

Jedna je stvar skupiti hrabrosti da iskreno pišeš

about your experiences with love,

o svojim ljubavnim iskustvima,

but it is another thing to discover

ali sasvim je druga stvar otkriti

that your love life has made international news --

da je tvoj ljubavni život postao svjetska vijest --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

and to realize that people across the world

i shvatiti da ljude diljem svijeta

are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship.

uistinu zanima u kakvom je stanju vaša nova veza.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks,

Kad sam primala pozive i mejlove, što se događalo svakodnevno, tjednima,

they always asked the same question first:

svi su imali isto prvo pitanje:

are you guys still together?

jeste li još uvijek zajedno?

In fact, as I was preparing this talk,

Zapravo, dok sam pripremala ovaj govor,

I did a quick search of my email inbox

brzinski sam pretražila ulaznu poštu u potrazi

for the phrase "Are you still together?"

za frazom: "Jeste li još uvijek zajedno?"

and several messages popped up immediately.

i odmah mi je iskočilo nekoliko poruka.

They were from students and journalists

Poruke su bile od studenata i novinara

and friendly strangers like this one.

i ljubaznih stranaca poput ovoga.

I did radio interviews and they asked.

I na intervjuu za radio postavili su mi to pitanje.

I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage,

Čak sam držala i jedan govor, a žena iz publike mi je doviknula:

"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"

"Hej, Mandy, gdje ti je dečko?"

And I promptly turned bright red.

Pocrvenjela sam iste sekunde.

I understand that this is part of the deal.

Znam da sam se na to obvezala.

If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper,

Ako pišeš o svojoj vezi u svjetskim novinama,

you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it.

moraš očekivati da će te ljudi pitati o njoj bez zadrške.

But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response.

No, nisam bila spremna na opseg odgovora.

The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own.

Tih 36 pitanja počelo je voditi vlastiti život.

In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article

Štoviše, New York Times objavio je sljedeći članak

for Valentine's Day,

uoči Valentinova

which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves,

koji se bavio iskustvima čitatelja koji su se i sami okušali u eksperimentu

with varying degrees of success.

i koji su polučili različite stupnjeve uspjeha.

So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention

Moja prva reakcija na svu tu pozornost

was to become very protective of my own relationship.

bila je postati izrazito zaštitnički nastrojena prema vlastitoj vezi.

I said no to every request for the two of us

Odbila sam svaki poziv

to do a media appearance together.

za naše zajedničko pojavljivanje u medijima.

I turned down TV interviews,

Odbijala sam TV-intervjue,

and I said no to every request for photos of the two us.

molbe za našim zajedničkim slikama.

I think I was afraid that we would become

Mislim da sam se bojala da ćemo postati

inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love,

slučajne ikone procesa zaljubljivanja,

a position I did not at all feel qualified for.

a to je položaj kojem se nisam smatrala doraslom.

And I get it:

Razumijem to:

people didn't just want to know if the study worked,

ljudi nisu samo htjeli znati funkcionira li eksperiment,

they wanted to know if it really worked:

htjeli su znati funkcionira li on zaista,

that is, if it was capable of producing love that would last,

tj. može li stvoriti ljubav koja će trajati,

not just a fling, but real love, sustainable love.

ne nešto prolazno, već pravu, održivu ljubav.

But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering.

Nisam se osjećala sposobnom odgovarati na to pitanje.

My own relationship was only a few months old,

Moja je veza trajala tek nekoliko mjeseci,

and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place.

a imala sam osjećaj da ljudi zapravo postavljaju krivo pitanje.

What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them?

Što bi im rekla činjenica jesmo li još uvijek zajedno ili ne?

If the answer was no,

Ako je odgovor ne,

would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions

znači li to da je iskustvo prolaženja kroz tih 36 pitanja

any less worthwhile?

išta manje vrijedno truda?

Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions

Dr. Arthur Aron prvi je pisao o tim pitanjima

in this study here in 1997,

u ovoj studiji 1997. godine,

and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love.

a ovdje cilj istraživača nije bio stvoriti romantičnu ljubav,

Instead, they wanted to foster

već su htjeli poticati na

interpersonal closeness among college students,

međusobnu bliskost među studentima

by using what Aron called

koristeći nešto što je Aron zvao

"sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure."

"održivo, rastuće, recipročno, personalizirano samootkrivanje."

Sounds romantic, doesn't it?

Zvuči romantično, zar ne?

But the study did work.

Ali eksperiment je djelovao.

The participants did feel closer after doing it,

Sudionici su nakon njega osjećali veću bliskost i kasnije je

and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol

nekoliko eksperimenata koristilo njegov protokol brzinskog sprijateljavanja

as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers.

radi brzinskog stvaranja povjerenja i intimnosti između stranaca.

They've used it between members of the police and members of community,

Koristili su ga među članovima policije i članovima zajednice,

and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies.

čak i između ljudi oprečnih političkih ideologija.

The original version of the story,

Originalna verzija priče,

the one that I tried last summer,

ona koju sam probala prošlog ljeta,

that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact,

koja kombinira osobna pitanja s četverominutnim kontaktom očima

was referenced in this article,

spomenuta je u ovom članku,

but unfortunately it was never published.

no nažalost, nikad nije objavljena.

So a few months ago, I was giving a talk

Prije nekoliko mjeseci držala sam govor

at a small liberal arts college,

na malenom fakultetu humanističkih znanosti

and a student came up to me afterwards

i kasnije mi je prišao student

and he said, kind of shyly,

i pomalo sramežljivo rekao:

"So, I tried your study, and it didn't work."

"Isprobao sam vaš eksperiment, ali nije djelovao."

He seemed a little mystified by this.

Djelovao je kao da ga je to malo zbunilo.

"You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked.

"Misliš, nisi se zaljubio u osobu s kojom si ga isprobao?" upitah.

"Well..." He paused.

"Pa..." zastao je.

"I think she just wants to be friends."

"Mislim da želi da budemo samo prijatelji."

"But did you become better friends?" I asked.

"Ali jeste li postali bolji prijatelji?" upitah.

"Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?"

"Misliš li da ste se zbilja upoznali nakon što ste isprobali eksperiment?"

He nodded.

Kimao je glavom.

"So, then it worked," I said.

"Onda je djelovalo", rekoh.

I don't think this is the answer he was looking for.

Mislim da se nije nadao takvom odgovoru.

In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for

Zapravo, mislim da to nije odgovor kojemu se itko od nas nada

when it comes to love.

kada govorimo o ljubavi.

I first came across this study

Na taj sam eksperiment prvi put

when I was 29

naišla kada mi je bilo 29 godina

and I was going through a really difficult breakup.

dok sam pokušavala preboljeti težak prekid.

I had been in the relationship since I was 20,

Bila sam u toj vezi od 20. godine,

which was basically my entire adult life,

a to je bio gotovo cijeli moj odrasli dio života,

and he was my first real love,

i bio je moja prva prava ljubav

and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him.

i nisam imala pojma kako ću ili hoću li uopće moći nastaviti živjeti bez njega,

So I turned to science.

pa sam se okrenula znanosti.

I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love,

Istražila sam sve što sam uspjela pronaći o znanosti romantične ljubavi

and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache.

i mislim da sam se nadala da će me to izliječiti od slomljenog srca.

I don't know if I realized this at the time --

Ne znam jesam li to tada shvaćala --

I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing --

mislila sam da sam samo istraživala za knjigu na kojoj sam radila --

but it seems really obvious in retrospect.

ali s vremenske distance čini se zaista očito.

I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love,

Nadala sam se da, ako se naoružam znanjem o romantičnoj ljubavi,

I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then.

nikad se više neću morati osjećati tako užasno i usamljeno kao tada.

And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways.

Sve je to znanje u neku ruku i bilo korisno.

I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed.

Sada sam strpljivija s ljubavi. Sada sam opuštenija.

I am more confident about asking for what I want.

Sada imam više hrabrosti tražiti ono što želim,

But I can also see myself more clearly,

ali i vidim se jasnije

and I can see that what I want is sometimes more

i vidim da je ono što ja želim ponekad više

than can reasonably be asked for.

nego što je razumno tražiti.

What I want from love is a guarantee,

Ja od ljubavi želim jamstvo,

not just that I am loved today

ne želim samo biti voljena danas

and that I will be loved tomorrow,

i voljena sutra,

but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely.

već da će me ta osoba voljeti do beskonačnosti.

Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee

Možda je ova mogućnost jamstva

that people were really asking about

zapravo zanimala ljude

when they wanted to know if we were still together.

kad su pitali jesmo li još uvijek zajedno.

So the story that the media told about the 36 questions

Priča koju su mediji ispričali o 36 pitanja

was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love.

temeljila se na tome da postoji prečac do zaljubljivanja,

There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved,

da postoji način da ublažimo neke od rizika,

and this is a very appealing story,

a to je jako primamljiva priča

because falling in love feels amazing,

jer je zaljubljivanje čarobno,

but it's also terrifying.

ali i zastrašujuće.

The moment you admit to loving someone,

Kada priznate da nekoga volite,

you admit to having a lot to lose,

priznajete da imate puno toga za izgubiti,

and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism

a istina je da ova pitanja pružaju određeni mehanizam

for getting to know someone quickly,

za upoznavanje nekoga na brzinu,

which is also a mechanism for being known,

što je također mehanizam za poznavanje,

and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love:

a mislim da je to ono što većina nas traži od ljubavi:

to be known, to be seen, to be understood.

da nas netko poznaje, da nas vidi, da nas razumije.

But I think when it comes to love,

Kad se radi o ljubavi,

we are too willing to accept the short version of the story.

prečesto smo voljni prihvatiti kratke verzije priče.

The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?"

Verziju priče koja pita: "Jeste li još uvijek zajedno?"

and is content with a yes or no answer.

i koja je zadovoljna potvrdnim ili niječnim odgovorom.

So rather than that question,

Umjesto tog pitanja,

I would propose we ask some more difficult questions,

predlažem da postavimo neka teža pitanja,

questions like:

poput:

How do you decide who deserves your love

Kako odlučujete tko zaslužuje vašu ljubav,

and who does not?

a tko ne?

How do you stay in love when things get difficult,

Kako ostajete zaljubljeni kad se stvari zakompliciraju,

and how do you know when to just cut and run?

a kako znate kad je vrijeme da se pokupite i odete?

How do you live with the doubt

Kako živite sa sumnjom

that inevitably creeps into every relationship,

koja se neizbježno uvlači u svaku vezu,

or even harder,

ili još teže,

how do you live with your partner's doubt?

kako živite s partnerovom sumnjom?

I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions,

Ne znam nužno odgovore na ta pitanja,

but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation

ali mislim da su važan uvod u dublji razgovor

about what it means to love someone.

o tome što znači voljeti nekoga.

So, if you want it,

Pa, ako je već želite,

the short version of the story of my relationship is this:

kratka verzija priče o mojoj vezi glasi ovako:

a year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study

prije godinu dana poznanik i ja proveli smo ekspriment

designed to create romantic love,

osmišljen za stvaranje romantične ljubavi

and we fell in love,

i zaljubili smo se

and we are still together,

i još smo uvijek zajedno

and I am so glad.

i presretna sam.

But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love.

Ali zaljubljivanje nije isto što i ljubav.

Falling in love is the easy part.

Lako je zaljubiti se.

So at the end of my article, I wrote, "Love didn't happen to us.

Svoj sam članak završila riječima: "Nama se ljubav nije dogodila.

We're in love because we each made the choice to be."

Zaljubljeni smo jer smo se oboje na to odlučili."

And I cringe a little when I read that now,

Sada kada to čitam, malo se naježim -

not because it isn't true,

ne zato što to nije istina,

but because at the time, I really hadn't considered

nego zato što tada nisam shvaćala

everything that was contained in that choice.

sve što je uključeno u taj izbor.

I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice,

Nisam shvaćala koliko ćemo puta oboje morati donositi tu odluku

and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice

i koliko ću puta morati ponovno donositi tu odluku

without knowing whether or not he will always choose me.

ne znajući hoće li me on svaki put izabrati.

I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions,

Voljela bih da je bilo dovoljno postaviti i odgovoriti na 36 pitanja

and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun

i odlučiti voljeti nekoga tako velikodušnog, dragog i zabavnog

and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America.

i objaviti taj izbor u najvećim američkim novinama.

But what I have done instead is turn my relationship

Umjesto toga pretvorila sam svoju vezu

into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in.

u svojevrstan mit u koji baš i ne vjerujem.

And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting,

Ono što ja želim, ono što ću možda željeti cijeli svoj život,

is for that myth to be true.

jest da se taj mit ostvari.

I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article,

Želim da se sretan završetak podrazumijeva u nazivu mog članka

which is, incidentally,

koji je, usput budi rečeno,

the only part of the article that I didn't actually write.

jedini dio članka koji nisam ja napisala.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone,

Umjesto toga imam priliku donijeti odluku voljeti nekoga

and the hope that he will choose to love me back,

i nadati se da će i on odlučiti voljeti mene,

and it is terrifying,

a to je zastrašujuće,

but that's the deal with love.

ali takva je ljubav.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.