The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Ivana Krivokuća

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

Kada pomislite na dete, bliskog prijatelja ili ljubavnog partnera,

the word "love" probably comes to mind,

verovatno vam reč „ljubav” pada na pamet,

and instantly other emotions rush in:

a istog trena naviru i druga osećanja:

joy and hope,

radost i nada,

excitement, trust and security,

uzbuđenje, poverenje i sigurnost

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

i, da, ponekad tuga i razočaranje.

There might not be a word in the dictionary

Verovatno ne postoji reč u rečniku

that more of us are connected to than love.

s kojom smo povezaniji od reči ljubav.

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

Ipak, imajući u vidu njen središnji značaj u našim životima,

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

zar nije zanimljivo da nas nikad eksplicitno nisu podučavali ljubavi?

We build friendships,

Gradimo prijateljstva,

navigate early romantic relationships,

prolazimo kroz rane romantične odnose,

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

venčavamo se i donosimo bebe iz bolnice kući

očekujući da ćemo se snaći.

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

Međutim, istina je da često povređujemo i omalovažavamo one koje volimo.

It can be subtle things

Možda se radi o suptilnostima,

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

poput nabijanja krivice prijatelju kako bi se družio s vama

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

ili virenje u partnerove poruke

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

ili posramljivanje deteta jer se ne trudi dovoljno u školi.

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

Sto procenata nas ćemo da budemo žrtve

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

nezdravih ponašanja u vezi

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

i 100 procenata nas će nezdravo da postupa.

It's part of being human.

To je deo ljudskosti.

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

U najgorem obliku, bol koji nanosimo voljenima

shows up as abuse and violence,

se ispoljava kao zlostavljanje i nasilje,

and relationship abuse

a zlostavljanje u vezi

is something that one in three women and one in four men

je nešto što će jedna od tri žene i jedan od četiri muškarca

will experience in their lifetime.

iskusiti u toku svog života.

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

Sad, ako ste kao većina ljudi kada čujete ovu statistiku,

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

reći ćete: „O ne, ne, ne, to se meni nikad ne bi desilo.”

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

Instinktivno se povlačimo od reči „zlostavljanje” i „nasilje”,

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

i mislimo da se dešavaju nekom drugom negde drugde.

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

Međutim, istina je da su nezdrave veze i zlostavljanje svuda oko nas.

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

Prosto ih nazivamo drugim imenom i ignorišemo sličnosti.

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

Zlostavljanje nam se prikrada prerušeno u nezdravu ljubav.

I work for an organization called One Love

Radim za organizaciju koja se naziva Jedna ljubav

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

i osnovala ju je porodica čiju je kćerku Jardli ubio njen bivši momak.

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

Radi se o tragediji koju niko nije naslućivao,

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

ali kad se osvrnu unazad, shvataju da su znaci upozorenja bili svuda,

just no one understood what they were seeing.

samo što niko nije razumeo čemu tačno svedoči.

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

Nazivani ludošću, dramom ili pijanstvom,

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

njegovi postupci nisu shvatani kao ono što su zaista bili,

which was clear signs of danger.

a radilo se o očitim znakovima opasnosti.

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

Njena porodica je uvidela da, da je iko protumačio ove znake,

her death could have been prevented.

njena smrt je mogla da se spreči.

So today we're on a mission to make sure

Zato smo trenutno na misiji da se postaramo

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

da drugi imaju informacije koje Jardli i njeni prijatelji nisu imali.

We have three main goals:

Imamo tri glavna cilja:

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

obezbediti jezik za sve nas da razgovaramo o temi

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

koja je prilično neugodna i neprijatna za raspravu;

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

osnažiti celokupne prve redove, pre svega prijatelje, za pomoć;

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

i, istovremeno, unaprediti našu sveukupnu sposobnost da bolje volimo.

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

Kako bismo ovo postigli, uvek je važno započeti osvetljavanjem

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

nezdravih znakova koji nam često promiču,

and our work really focuses on creating content

a naš rad se uistinu fokusira na stvaranje sadržaja

to start conversations with young people.

za započinjanje razgovora sa mladima.

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

Kao što očekujete, naš sadržaj je uglavnom prilično ozbiljan,

given the subject at hand,

imajući u vidu temu,

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

ali danas ću da koristim jedan nešto rasterećeniji komad,

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

ali koji ipak tera na razmišljanje,

"The Couplets,"

„Kuplet”,

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

kako bih osvetlila pet znakova nezdrave ljubavi.

The first is intensity.

Prvi je intenzitet.

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

(Video) Plavi: Nisam te video nekoliko dana. Nedostajala si mi.

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

Narandžasta: I ti si meni. (#tojeljubav)

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

Plavi: Nisam te video pet minuta. Čini se kao čitav život.

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

Šta si radila bez mene čitavih pet minuta?

Narandžasta: Prošla su tri minuta. (#tonijeljubav)

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

Kejti Hud: Da li je ovo nekom poznato? Ne znam. Meni jeste.

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

Nasilne veze ne počinju nasilno.

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

Počinju uzbudljivo i s ushitom.

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

Imamo intenzivnu privrženost i emocije, naboj.

It feels really good.

Zaista je dobar osećaj.

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

Srećni ste kao da ste izvukli džekpot.

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

Međutim, kod nezdrave ljubavi, ova osećanja se menjaju vremenom

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

od uzbuđenja do preopterećenja, a možda čak i malčice gušenja.

You feel it in your gut.

Imate neki predosećaj.

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

Možda onda kada vaš novi momak ili devojka

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

kaže „volim te” brže nego što ste spremni na to

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

ili počne da se pojavljuje svuda, šalje poruke i stalno vas zove.

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

Možda su nestrpljivi kada ne odgovorite odmah,

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

čak iako znaju da tog dana imate druge obaveze.

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

Važno je da upamtite da nije važno kako veza počinje,

it's how it evolves.

važno je kako se razvija.

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

Važno je u ranim danima nove veze

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

da obratite pažnju na to kako se osećate.

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

Da li vam je prijatan tempo intimnosti?

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

Da li osećate da imate prostora i razmaka da dišete?

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

Takođe je važno da počnete da vežbate upotrebu sopstvenog glasa

to talk about your own needs.

da izražavate sopstvene potrebe.

Are your requests respected?

Da li se vaši zahtevi uvažavaju?

A second marker is isolation.

Drugi znak je izolacija.

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

(Video) Narandžasta 2: Da izađemo?

Narandžasta 1: Ponedeljak znači zabava ja i momak.

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

Narandžasta 2: Da izađemo?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Narandžasta 1: Ponedeljak znači zabava ja i momak.

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

Narandžasta 2: Sutra? Narandžasta 1: Utorak - samo tempo lak.

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

Narandžasta 2: Sreda? Narandžasta 1: Da se družim on mi ne da.

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

KH: Ako mene pitate, izolacija je najčešće zanemarivan

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

i pogrešno tumačen znak nezdrave ljubavi.

Why?

Zašto?

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

Zato što svaka nova veza počinje tom snažnom željom

to spend time together,

da provodite vreme zajedno,

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

lako je ne primetiti kad se nešto promeni.

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

Izolacija vam se prikrade kada vaš novi momak ili devojka

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

počne da vas odvlači od vaših prijatelja i porodice,

your support system,

vašeg sistema podrške

and tethering you more tightly to them.

i počne da vas čvršće vezuje za sebe.

They might say things like,

Izgovaraju stvari poput:

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

„Zašto se družiš s njima? Oni su totalni gubitnici”

about your best friends,

o vašim najboljim prijateljima

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

ili: „Žele da nas razdvoje. Potpuno su protiv nas”

about your family.

o vašoj porodici.

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

Izolacija je sejanje semena sumnje

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

o svima iz vašeg života pre nove veze.

Healthy love includes independence,

Zdrava ljubav uključuje nezavisnost,

two people who love spending time together

dvoje ljudi koji vole da provode vreme zajedno,

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

ali koji ostaju povezani sa ljudima

i aktivnostima do kojih im je pre bilo stalo.

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

Iako u početku možda provodite svaki budni trenutak zajedno,

over time maintaining independence is key.

vremenom je krucijalno održavanje nezavisnosti.

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

Ovo postižete tako što pravite planove s prijateljima i držite ih se

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

i podstičete partnera da to isto radi.

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

Treći pokazatelj nezdrave ljubavi je preterana ljubomora.

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

(Video) Plavi 2: Zbog čega si tako srećan?

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

Plavi 1: Upravo je počela da me prati na instagramu!

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

Plavi 2: Zbog čega si tako nervozan?

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

Plavi 1: Počela je da me prati, ovaj, svuda.

(#thatsnotlove)

(#tonijeljubav)

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

KH: Kako period medenog meseca počinje da bledi,

extreme jealousy can creep in.

preterana ljubomora može da se prikrade.

Your partner might become more demanding,

Vaš partner može da postane zahtevniji,

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

da želi da zna gde ste i s kim ste sve vreme

ili može da počne da vas prati svuda, i na internetu i van njega.

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

Preterana ljubomora sa sobom nosi i posesivnost i nepoverenje,

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

česte optužbe za flertovanje s drugim ljudima ili preljubu,

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

kao i odbijanje da vas čuju kada im kažete

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

da nemaju razloga za brigu i da volite samo njih.

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

Ljubomora je deo svih ljudskih odnosa,

but extreme jealousy is different.

ali preterana ljubomora je drugačija.

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

Ima crtu pretnje, očaja i besa.

Love shouldn't feel like this.

Ljubav ne bi trebalo da ima takav osećaj.

A fourth marker is belittling.

Četvrti pokazatelj je omalovažavanje.

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

(Video) Plavi: Hoćeš da izađemo? Narandžasta: Moram da učim.

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

Plavi: Ionako ćeš da dobiješ pet jer si odlična. (#tojeljubav)

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

Plavi: Hoćeš da izađemo? Narandžasta: Moram da učim.

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

Plavi: Ionako ćeš da dobiješ keca

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

jer si glupa. (#tonijeljubav)

KH: Yeah, hmm.

KH: Da, hmm.

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

U nezdravoj ljubavi, reči se koriste kao oružje.

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

Razgovori koji su nekad bili zabavni i rasterećeni

turn mean and embarrassing.

postaju zlobni i sramotni.

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

Možda vas partner ismeva na povređujući način,

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

ili, pak, priča priče i viceve kako bi se smejao na vaš račun.

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

Kada pokušate da objasnite da su vam osećanja povređena,

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

ponizi vas i optuži da preterujete.

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

„Zašto si tako osetljiva? Koji je tvoj problem? Pusti me na miru.”

You are silenced by these words.

Ove reči vas ućutkaju.

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

Čini se očiglednim da bi vaš partner trebalo da vas podržava.

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

Njegove reči bi trebalo da vas podstiču, a ne da vas lome.

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

Trebalo bi da čuva vaše tajne i bude odan.

They should make you feel more confident,

Zbog njega bi trebalo da imate više samopouzdanja, ne manje.

not less.

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

Na kraju, peti pokazatelj: neuravnoteženost.

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

(Video) Narandžasta 1: Rastužio bi me naš raskid.

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

Narandžasta 2: I mene. (#tojeljubav)

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

Narandžasta 1: Pala bih u depresiju kad bismo raskinuli.

I'd throw myself off this step.

Bacila bih se sa ovih stepenica.

I would! Don't try to stop me!

Bih! Ne pokušavaj da me sprečiš!

(#thatsnotlove)

(#tonijeljubav)

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

KH: Česti raskidi i pomirenja, veliki usponi i veliki padovi:

as tension rises, so does volatility.

kako tenzije rastu, raste i neravnoteža.

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

Uplakane, frustrirajuće svađe koje prate emotivna pomirenja,

hateful and hurtful comments like,

komentari puni mržnje i bola:

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

„Beskoristan si, ne znam ni zašto sam s tobom!”

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

koje odmah prate izvinjenja i obećanja da se neće ponoviti.

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

Do ovog trenutka, toliko ste navikli na emotivnu vrtešku ove veze

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

da možda ni ne uviđate koliko je nezdrava, a možda čak i opasna

your relationship has become.

vaša veza postala.

It can be really hard to see

Ponekad je zaista teško uvideti

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

kada nezdrava ljubav pređe u nasilje,

ali slobodno možemo reći da što više sličnih pokazatelja

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

your relationship might have,

vaša veza možda ima,

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

to nezdravija i možda opasnija vaša veza može da bude.

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

A ako je vaš instinkt da raskinete i odete,

which is advice so many of us give our friends

što je savet koji mnogi od nas daju prijateljima

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

kada su u nezdravoj vezi,

that's not always the best advice.

to nije uvek najbolji savet.

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

Period raskida može da bude istinski okidač za nasilje.

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

Ako strahujete da se krećete ka nasilju ili trpite nasilje,

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

morate da konsultujete stručnjake radi saveta kako da bezbedno odete.

But it's not just about romantic relationships

Međutim, ne radi se samo o romantičnim vezama

and it's not just about violence.

i ne radi se samo o nasilju.

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

Razumevanje znakova nezdrave ljubavi

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

vam može pomoći da sagledate i razumete skoro sve veze u vašem životu.

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

Možda prvi put shvatite zašto ste razočarani u prijateljstvo

or why every interaction with a certain family member

ili zašto ste zbog svakog susreta sa određenim članom porodice

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

obeshrabreni i anksiozni.

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

Možda počnete i da uviđate kako vaš sopstveni temperament i ljubomora

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

uzrokuju probleme sa kolegama na poslu.

Understanding is the first step to improving,

Razumevanje je prvi korak ka napretku,

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

i, iako ne možete svaku nezdravu vezu da pretvorite u zdravu -

some you're going to have to leave behind --

neke ćete morati da ostavite za sobom -

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

možete svakodnevno da se trudite sa svoje strane da budete bolji u vezi.

And here's the exciting news:

A ovo su uzbudljive vesti:

it's actually not rocket science.

zapravo se ne radi o kvantnoj fizici.

Open communication, mutual respect,

Otvoreni razgovori, međusobno uvažavanje,

kindness, patience --

ljubaznost, strpljenje -

we can practice these things every day.

svakodnevno možemo sve ovo da vežbamo.

And while practice will definitely make you better,

A, iako ćete zbog vežbanja definitivno postati bolji,

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

moram da vam obećam da takođe nećete postati savršeni.

I do this for a living

Ovo je moj posao

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

i svakog dana razmišljam i govorim o zdravim vezama,

and still I do unhealthy things.

pa, ipak, i dalje nezdravo postupam.

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

Pre neki dan, dok sam pokušavala da izguram moje četvoro dece preko vrata

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

dok su se svađali, prepirali i žalili na doručak,

I completely lost it.

potpuno sam izgubila strpljenje.

With an intentionally angry edge,

Sa namernom dozom besa,

I screamed,

zavrištala sam:

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

„Svi ućutite i uradite kako vam kažem!

You are the worst!

Najgori ste!

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

Oduzeću vam vreme pred ekranima i slatkiše,

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

kao i sve do čega vam je bar malo stalo u životu!”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Anybody been there?

Zvuči li vam poznato?

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Volatility, belittling.

Neuravnoteženost, omalovažavanje.

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

Moj najstariji sin se okrenuo, pogledao me je i rekao:

"Mom, that's not love."

„Mama, to nije ljubav.”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

Na trenutak sam zaista želela da ga ubijem jer me je prozvao.

Trust me.

Verujte mi.

But then I gathered myself

Međutim, onda sam se sabrala

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

i pomislila, znate šta, zapravo sam ponosna.

I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

Ponosna sam što je ovladao rečima tako da me natera da zastanem.

I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

Želim da sva moja deca razumeju gde bi trebalo da je granica

for how they're treated

za to kako se ophode prema njima

and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

i da imaju reči i glas koje će da koriste kad se granica prekorači

versus just accepting it.

umesto da to prosto prihvate.

For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

Suviše dugo smo se odnosili prema vezama kao drugorazrednoj temi,

when relationship skills are one of the most important

iako su veštine stvaranja veza među najvažnijim

and hard to build things in life.

i najtežim za izgradnju u životu.

Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

Ne samo da vam razumevanje nezdravih znakova

help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

može da pomogne da izbegnete prečicu do nezdrave ljubavi,

but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

već vam razumevanje i vežbanje umetnosti zdravog odnosa

can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

može da popravi skoro sve apekte života.

I'm completely convinced

Potpuno sam ubeđena

that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

da, iako je ljubav instinkt i osećanje,

the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

sposobnost da volimo bolje je veština koju svi možemo da izgradimo

and improve on over time.

i vremenom unapređujemo.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)