The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

翻译人员: psjmz mz 校对人员:

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

当你想到一个小孩子、 一位密友或者伴侣时，

the word "love" probably comes to mind,

脑海中很可能会跳出“爱”这个词，

and instantly other emotions rush in:

然后其它的情绪也会立马出现：

joy and hope,

比如欢乐和希望，

兴奋、信任以及安全感，

excitement, trust and security,

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

并且有时还会有悲伤和失望。

There might not be a word in the dictionary

字典里可能没有一个词

that more of us are connected to than love.

比爱更能说明 人与人之间的紧密联系了。

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

考虑到它在我们生活中的核心地位，

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

有意思的是，我们竟然 从来没有被明确地教过如何去爱。

We build friendships,

我们从交朋友开始，

navigate early romantic relationships,

然后确定恋爱关系，

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

最后结婚生子， 将小孩从医院带回家。

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

对这一切都是怀着能顺利搞定的期望。

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

但事实却是， 我们经常伤害或不尊重所爱之人。

It can be subtle things

可能是一些很小的事情，

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

比如说让朋友感到内疚 然后花时间陪你，

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

或者偷看伴侣的短信，

以及因为孩子在学校 不够努力而羞辱他。

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

我们百分之百会接收到

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

不健康关系的行为，

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

并且我们也百分之百会 做一些不健康的事。

It's part of being human.

这是人性的一部分。

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

最糟糕的情况是，我们跟 所爱之人的冲突所导致的伤害

shows up as abuse and violence,

会演变成辱骂和暴力，

and relationship abuse

而家暴，

is something that one in three women and one in four men

是三分之一的女性 和四分之一的男性

一生中都会经历的。

will experience in their lifetime.

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

如果你跟大多数人一样， 听到上述情况时，

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

你会说“哦，不不不，这永远 不会发生在我身上。”

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

我们会出于本能地逃避 “虐待”和“暴力”这些字眼，

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

觉得它们只会发生在 其他地方的其它人身上。

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

但事实是，不健康的关系 以及虐待就在我们身边。

我们只是将它们换了个说法 并忽略了它们之间的联系。

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

虐待伪装成了不健康的爱 偷偷地发生在我们身上。

I work for an organization called One Love

我在一个叫做“唯爱"的组织工作，

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

它由一个家庭成立，这个家庭 的女儿亚德利被前男友杀害。

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

这是一个没有人可以预见到的悲剧，

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

但是回过头来看，他们意识到 之前就存在蛛丝马迹，

just no one understood what they were seeing.

只是当时没人看出来。

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

这些被称为疯狂或者 戏剧或酗酒的行为，

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

他行为的真正含义 并没有真的被理解，

而这些都是非常清晰的危险信号。

which was clear signs of danger.

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

她的家人意识到， 如果之前有人被教育过

her death could have been prevented.

如何识别这些信号， 她的死亡是可以避免的。

So today we're on a mission to make sure

所以今天我们的任务是确保

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

其他人都能获得亚德利和她朋友 之前不了解的信息。

We have three main goals:

我们有三个主要的目标：

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

给予我们一种语言去谈论

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

一个非常尴尬并且 会引起不适的话题；

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

给朋友权力去帮助你；

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

并在这个过程中，提高我们爱的能力。

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

为了做到这些， 很重要的一点是从阐明

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

那些我们经常会错过的 不健康信号开始，

and our work really focuses on creating content

而我们的工作就是 专注于创造内容，

to start conversations with young people.

来和年轻人对话。

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

正如你所料，这个主题的 大多数谈话内容都非常严肃，

鉴于目前的主题，

given the subject at hand,

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

但今天我打算用一种轻松愉快，

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

同时也是发人深思的方式，

"The Couplets,"

即“对偶”，

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

来阐明不健康的爱的五种标志。

The first is intensity.

第一个是紧张。

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

（视频）蓝：几天不见，非常想你。

橘：我也想你。（#这是爱）

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

蓝：五分钟不见， 感觉像一生那么漫长。

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

我不在的这五分钟里你做了什么呢？

橘：才三分钟好吧。 （#这不是爱）

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

凯蒂·胡德：有人意识到了吗？

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

虐待关系并不是从虐待开始的。

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

它们是从激动和兴奋开始的。

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

这是一种强烈的 情感和情绪，一种冲动。

It feels really good.

感觉非常美好。

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

你觉得自己如此的幸运， 像中了大奖。

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

但在不健康的爱中，这些感觉 会随着时间的推移而改变，

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

从兴奋到压仰， 甚至可能还有点窒息。

You feel it in your gut.

你的直觉能感受到。

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

这可能是你新交的 男朋友或女朋友，

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

在你没准备好时就说“我爱你”，

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

或开始无处不在， 不停发信息、打电话给你时。

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

也可能是他们对你的 不及时回复感到不耐烦，

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

尽管他们也知道 你还有其它的事情要做时。

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

重点是记住： 一段感情如何开始不重要，

it's how it evolves.

重要的是如何发展。

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

重要的是， 在一段新关系的早期，

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

我们应该关注自己的情绪。

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

你对这种亲近的速度感到舒适吗？

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

你觉得自己还有喘息的空间吗？

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

同样重要的是，

学会表达自己的需求。

to talk about your own needs.

Are your requests respected?

你的请求被尊重了吗？

A second marker is isolation.

第二个标志是孤立。

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

（视频）橘2：一起出去玩吧？

橘1：星期一是我和 男朋友约会的日子。

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

橘2：一起出去玩吧？

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

橘1：星期一是我和 男朋友约会的日子。

橘2：那明天呢？ 橘1：星期二是我们的打盹日。

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

橘2：那星期三？ 橘1：那是我们的独处日。

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

凯蒂：如果你问我，我会说孤立是

最常被忽视和误解的 不健康爱的信号之一。

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

Why?

为什么这么说呢？

因为每一段新感情总是从强烈想要

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

to spend time together,

花时间待在一起开始的，

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

我们很容易忽视事物的变化。

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

孤立就悄然发生在 当你的新男朋友或女朋友

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

开始拉着你脱离你的家人和朋友，

your support system,

你的支撑体系，

and tethering you more tightly to them.

并将你牢牢地拴在身边时。

They might say things like,

他们可能会这样说，

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

“为什么要跟他们出去玩？ 他们只是一群失败者。”

about your best friends,

他指的是你最好的朋友。

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

或者“他们想拆散我们， 他们完全反对我们。”

about your family.

他指的是你的家人。

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

孤立就是在你的前感情生活中

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

对每个人播下怀疑的种子。

Healthy love includes independence,

健康的爱也包括独立，

two people who love spending time together

两个人喜欢花时间在一起，

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

但也会继续跟之前关心 的人和活动保持联系。

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

刚开始的时候你们可能 每分每秒都在一起，

over time maintaining independence is key.

但随着时间的推移， 保持独立成了关键。

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

你可以和朋友们 一起规划并坚持执行，

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

并且鼓励你的伴侣也这样做。

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

不健康的爱的第三个标志是极度嫉妒。

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

（视频）蓝2:你为什么这么高兴？

蓝1：她在Instagram上关注了我！

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

蓝2：你为什么这么紧张？

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

蓝1:她，她开始关注我了， 像是，无处不在。

(#thatsnotlove)

（#这不是爱）

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

凯蒂：随着蜜月期的消退，

extreme jealousy can creep in.

极度的嫉妒悄悄的滋生。

Your partner might become more demanding,

你的伴侣的要求可能会越来越多，

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

随时想要知道 你在哪以及和谁在一起，

或他们可能到处跟踪你， 线上以及线下。

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

极度的嫉妒还会导致 占有欲和不信任，

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

频繁指责对方跟他人调情或不忠，

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

并且会拒绝听你跟他们说，

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

没有什么好担心的， 你只爱他们这些话。

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

嫉妒是人类感情中的一部分，

but extreme jealousy is different.

但是极度嫉妒就不同了。

它处于威胁、绝望和愤怒的边缘。

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

Love shouldn't feel like this.

爱不应当如此。

A fourth marker is belittling.

第四个标志是轻视。

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

（视频）蓝：想出去玩吗？ 橘：我要学习。

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

蓝：你肯定能得优， 优秀的优。（这是爱）

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

蓝：想出去玩吗？ 橘：我要学习。

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

蓝：你肯定不及格，

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

你就是个傻子。 （#这不是爱）

KH: Yeah, hmm.

凯蒂：是的，嗯。

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

在不健康的爱中， 语言被当作武器。

本来应该是轻松愉快的谈话

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

turn mean and embarrassing.

会变得尖酸刻薄和尴尬。

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

也许你的伴侣是用一种 伤人的方式开玩笑，

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

或者通过讲故事 和取笑你，拿你开涮，

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

当你告诉他们你感觉到受伤时，

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

他们会让你闭嘴 并指责你反应过度。

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

“你怎么这么敏感？ 有毛病吧，别逗了！”

You are silenced by these words.

这些话使你哑口无言。

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

事情很明显， 你的伴侣应该支持你。

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

他们的话语应该增强你的信心， 而不是打压你。

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

他们应该保守你的秘密并且忠于你。

They should make you feel more confident,

他们应该让你感觉到更多的信心，

not less.

而不是自卑。

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

最后，第五个标志：易变。

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

（视频）橘1：如果分手我会很难过。

橘2：我也会很难过。（#这是爱）

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

橘1：如果我们分手了我会很郁闷。

I'd throw myself off this step.

我会从这个台阶上跳下去。

I would! Don't try to stop me!

我会的！不要试着去阻止我！

(#thatsnotlove)

（#这不是爱）

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

凯蒂：经常性的分分合合， 情感大起大落：

as tension rises, so does volatility.

随着紧张程度的上升， 易变性也增加。

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

泪流满面，沮丧的争吵， 随之而来的是情感上的伪装，

hateful and hurtful comments like,

充满仇恨和伤害的评论，比如，

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

“你一文不值，我都不知道 为什么跟你在一起！”

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

然后很快是道歉 并保证不再发生这样的事。

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

到此为止，你已经习惯了 这种过山车似的关系，

你可能都没有意识到

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

你的这段感情已经开始朝 不健康和危险的趋势发展。

your relationship has become.

It can be really hard to see

我们可能很难识别

不健康的爱和虐待之间的界限，

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

但是公平地说， 当越来越多的迹象

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

开始出现在你的这段关系中时，

your relationship might have,

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

你的这段关系不健康 或者危险的概率就会越大。

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

如果你的直觉告诉你该分手离开，

which is advice so many of us give our friends

这也是当我们的朋友 陷入到不健康的关系时，

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

我们经常给他们的建议，

that's not always the best advice.

但这并不总是最好的选择。

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

分手也有可能会引起暴力。

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

如果你感到可能 被虐待或已经被虐待，

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

你就需要就如何安全地离开 这段感情咨询专家的建议。

But it's not just about romantic relationships

这些不仅仅跟浪漫的恋情有关，

and it's not just about violence.

也不仅仅关于暴力。

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

理解了不健康爱的信号

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

能帮助你审视和理解 生活中几乎所有的关系。

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

你可能第一次明白 为什么会对一段友谊失望，

or why every interaction with a certain family member

或者为什么每次跟某个家庭成员互动，

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

都让你感到气馁和焦虑。

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

你甚至可能开始注意到 你的紧张和嫉妒

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

是如何使你在工作中 与同事发生矛盾的。

Understanding is the first step to improving,

理解是提升的第一步，

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

你不可能使每一段不健康 的关系变得健康——

some you're going to have to leave behind --

有些是你不得不放下的——

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

但你可以每天做好自己 的部分从而让关系变好。

And here's the exciting news:

令人振奋的消息是：

it's actually not rocket science.

它并不是件多复杂的事。

Open communication, mutual respect,

坦诚沟通、相互尊重，

友善、耐心——

kindness, patience --

we can practice these things every day.

这些东西我们每天都可以练习。

And while practice will definitely make you better,

练习一定会让你变得更好，

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

但我不得不承认， 它不会让你变得完美。

I do this for a living

我以此为生，

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

每天都在思考和谈论健康的感情，

and still I do unhealthy things.

但我还是会做不健康的事情。

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

就在几天前我还想把 我四个孩子赶出门，

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

他们争吵、哭闹， 并抱怨早餐不好吃，

I completely lost it.

我完全崩溃了。

With an intentionally angry edge,

下意识地带着愤怒的锋芒，

I screamed,

我大喊道，

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

“都给我闭嘴，照我说的做！

You are the worst!

你们糟糕透了！

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

我要剥夺你们使用 电子产品的时间和甜点

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

以及其它任何能让 你们享受生活的东西！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Anybody been there?

有人那样做过吗？

(Applause)

（掌声）

Volatility, belittling.

易变、轻视。

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

我的大儿子转过身看着我，说道，

"Mom, that's not love."

“老妈，这不是爱。”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

有那么一分钟， 因为他的叫板我真想宰了他。

Trust me.

真的，相信我。

But then I gathered myself

但是之后我冷静下来

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

开始思考，你知道吗， 我其实觉得很骄傲。

I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

我骄傲于他有一种 使我暂停愤怒的语言。

I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

我想要我所有的小孩都明白

for how they're treated

别人对待他们的边界在哪，

and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

并且当别人越过这个边界时， 他们应该提出来

versus just accepting it.

而不是默默的接受。

For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

长久以来，我们都将感情当作 一个温柔的话题来对待，

when relationship skills are one of the most important

但人际关系技巧 又是生活中最重要

and hard to build things in life.

和最难去建立的事情之一。

Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

理解不健康的信号，

help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

能防止你掉进导致 不健康的爱的兔子洞，

but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

但是理解和练习 维护健康关系的艺术，

can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

能全方位地提升你生活的质量。

I'm completely convinced

我完全深信

that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

爱是直觉和情绪，

the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

而更好去爱的能力，

是一种我们都能随时间推移 而学会和提高的技能。

and improve on over time.

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）