The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

當你想到孩子、 親密好友，或伴侶時，

the word "love" probably comes to mind,

腦中可能會浮現「愛」這個字，

and instantly other emotions rush in:

其他的情緒也馬上隨之而來：

joy and hope,

喜悅和希望，

excitement, trust and security,

興奮、信任，和安全感，

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

是的，有時還有悲傷和失望。

There might not be a word in the dictionary

在字典中可能沒有其他的字詞

that more of us are connected to than love.

比「愛」能讓更多人有所連結。

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

但，雖然愛在我們的生命中 有這麼高的重要性，

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

我們卻從來沒有被明確教導過 要如何去愛，這不是很有趣嗎？

We build friendships,

我們建立友誼，

navigate early romantic relationships,

在早期的愛情關係當中探索，

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

結婚成家，把小孩從醫院帶回家，

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

期望我們能夠想通愛是什麼。

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

但，真相是，我們通常會傷害、 不尊重我們所愛的人。

It can be subtle things

有可能是小事，

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

比如利用罪惡感 讓朋友花時間陪伴你，

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

或偷看伴侶的訊息，

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

或因為孩子在學校 不夠努力就羞辱他。

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

我們所有人都會接收到

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

不健康的關係的行為，

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

我們所有人也都會 做出不健康的事。

It's part of being human.

這是身為人的一部分。

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

我們對於我們所愛的人 施加的傷害，最糟糕的形式

shows up as abuse and violence,

就是虐待和暴力，

and relationship abuse

關係中的虐待很常見，

is something that one in three women and one in four men

三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性

will experience in their lifetime.

在一生中都會經歷到。

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

如果你和大部分人一樣， 當你聽到那些統計數字時，

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

你會說：「喔，不，不， 那不會發生在我身上。」

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

我們的本能是會遠離 「虐待」和「暴力」這些詞，

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

認為那只會發生在其他地方， 發生在別人身上。

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

但，真相是，我們身邊處處 都是不健康的關係和虐待。

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

我們只是給了它們不同的稱呼， 並忽略它們的關聯性。

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

虐待會偽裝成 不健康的愛來偷襲我們。

I work for an organization called One Love

我為「One Love」這個組織工作，

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

創辦這個組織的家庭，他們的女兒 雅爾德莉被前男友殺害。

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

沒有人預料到會發生這種悲劇，

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

但當他們回頭看時， 他們發現早就有警示了，

just no one understood what they were seeing.

只是當時沒有人了解 他們看見的是什麼。

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

他的行為舉止被稱為瘋狂、 戲劇化，或喝太多酒，

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

沒有人了解那些 行為舉止的真正是什麼，

which was clear signs of danger.

它們其實是危險的明顯徵兆。

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

她的家庭了解到，如果有人 接受過關於這些徵兆的教育，

her death could have been prevented.

就可以避免她的死亡。

So today we're on a mission to make sure

所以現今，我們的使命是要確保

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

其他人能夠得到雅爾德莉 和她的朋友當時沒有的資訊。

We have three main goals:

我們有三項主要目標：

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

給大家一種語言，用來談論

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

很尷尬、讓人不舒服的主題；

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

賦權給整個前線， 也就是朋友，來提供協助；

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

並在過程中，改善我們所有的 能力，用更好的方式來愛。

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

要做到這些，很重要的是 一開始就要清楚說明

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

我們通常會忽略的 不健康徵兆是什麼，

and our work really focuses on creating content

而我們工作的重點放在創造內容，

to start conversations with young people.

以開始和年輕人對談。

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

跟你們預期的一樣， 我們的內容大多非常嚴肅，

given the subject at hand,

畢竟我們手上的題材就很硬，

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

但，今天，我要用 我們比較輕鬆愉快

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

但仍然發人深省的作品，

"The Couplets,"

《對句》，

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

來說明不健康的愛有哪五項標誌。

The first is intensity.

第一項是強烈感情。

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

（影片）藍：我幾天 沒見到你了。我很想你。

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

橘：我也想你。（#那就是愛）

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

藍：我五分鐘沒見到你了。 感覺好像一輩子那麼久。

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

沒有我的這五分鐘，你在做什麼？

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

橘：才過了三分鐘。（#那不是愛）

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

講者：有人認得這種 情境嗎？我就認得。

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

虐待關係一開始並沒有虐待。

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

它們一開始都很讓人興奮、振奮。

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

情感和情緒的強度 都很高，大量激增。

It feels really good.

感覺非常好。

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

你覺得好幸運，就像中樂透一樣。

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

但，在不健康的愛當中， 這些感覺會隨時間轉變，

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

從興奮變成難以招架， 也許還會變得有點讓人窒息。

You feel it in your gut.

你從骨子裡就可以感覺到。

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

也許是當你的新男友或女友

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

在你還沒準備好時 就說出「我愛你」，

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

或開始出現在每個你去的地方， 一天到晚傳訊息打電話。

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

也許當你沒有馬上回應， 他們就會不耐煩，

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

即使他們知道你那天 還有別的事要忙。

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

很重要的是要記住， 要緊的不是關係怎麼開始，

it's how it evolves.

而是它怎麼演變。

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

很重要的是， 在一段新關係的初期，

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

要多留意你的感覺如何。

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

你對於親密的步調感到舒服嗎？

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

你覺得你有可以呼吸的空間嗎？

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

還有一點也很重要， 就是要開始練習用你的聲音

to talk about your own needs.

來談論你自己的需求。

Are your requests respected?

你的要求是否有被尊重？

A second marker is isolation.

第二項標誌是孤立。

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

（影片）橘 2：想出去嗎？

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

橘 1：我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

橘 2：想出去嗎？

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

橘 1：我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

橘 2：明天？ 橘 1：星期二是我們的打盹日。

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

橘 2：星期三？ 橘 1：不和朋友交際日。

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

講者：我認為不健康的愛的徵兆中

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

最常被忽略且誤解的就是孤立。

Why?

為什麼？

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

因為每一段新關係， 最初都會有這種強烈的慾望

to spend time together,

想花時間在一起，

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

很容易就忽略掉有轉變發生。

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

孤立偷偷潛入的時候， 就是你的新男友或女友

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

開始把你拉離你的朋友和家人，

your support system,

即你的支助系統，

and tethering you more tightly to them.

讓你跟新男友或女友綁得更緊。

They might say things like,

他們可能會說這樣的話：

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

「你為什麼跟他們混在一起？ 他們盡是些魯蛇」

about your best friends,

來講你最好的朋友，

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

或「他們想要我們分手。 他們完全反對我們在一起」

about your family.

來講你的家人。

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

孤立的重點在於播下懷疑的種子，

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

讓你懷疑在這段關係前的 生活中的每個人。

Healthy love includes independence,

健康的愛包含獨立性，

two people who love spending time together

兩個人很喜歡花時間在一起，

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

但也會和他們以前 關心的人和活動保持連結。

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

雖然一開始你們會 一天到晚黏在一起，

over time maintaining independence is key.

隨著時間過去， 保有獨立性才是關鍵。

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

保有獨立性的方式是規劃 和朋友的活動，和他們在一起，

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

並鼓勵你的另一半也這麼做。

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

不健康的愛的第三項標誌 是極端的嫉妒。

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

（影片）藍 2：你在高興什麼？

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

藍 1：她開始在 IG 上 追蹤我了！（#那就是愛）

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

藍 2：你在緊張什麼？

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

藍 1：她，她開始跟著我， 跟到任何地方。

(#thatsnotlove)

（#那不是愛）

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

講者：當蜜月期漸漸過去，

extreme jealousy can creep in.

極端的嫉妒可能會悄悄溜進來。

Your partner might become more demanding,

你的另一半可能會想要更多，

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

隨時都要知道 你在哪裡、和誰在一起，

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

或者他們會開始到處跟著你， 線上或現實中都是。

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

極端的嫉妒也會帶著 佔有慾和不信任，

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

常指控你和他人調情或欺騙，

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

且當你叫他們不要擔心， 說你只愛他們時，

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

他們會拒絕聽你說。

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

任何人類關係中都會有嫉妒，

but extreme jealousy is different.

但極端的嫉妒是不同的。

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

它會帶著威脅性、絕望，和憤怒。

Love shouldn't feel like this.

愛的感覺不該是如此。

A fourth marker is belittling.

第四項標誌是輕視。

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

（影片）藍：想出去嗎？ 橘：我得讀書。

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

藍：反正你一定會得 A， A 代表了不起（amazing）。

（#那是愛）

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

藍：想出去嗎？ 橘：我得讀書。

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

藍：反正你一定會得 F，

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

F 代表，F 代表…… 笨。（#那不是愛）

KH: Yeah, hmm.

講者：是啊，嗯。

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

在不健康的愛當中， 言語被當成武器來使用。

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

以前輕鬆愉快的對談， 會變得吝嗇且讓人尷尬。

turn mean and embarrassing.

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

也許你的另一半會用 傷人的方式開你玩笑，

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

或者他們會把你當笑柄 來說故事或講笑話。

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

當你試圖解釋你覺得很受傷時，

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

他們不會讓你講， 且會指控你反應過度。

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

「你幹嘛這麼敏感？ 你有什麼毛病？你得了吧。」

You are silenced by these words.

這些話讓你說不下去。

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

這點很明顯，但還是說一下， 你的另一半應該要支持你。

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

他們說的話應該要鼓舞你， 而不是擊垮你。

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

他們應該守住秘密並保持忠誠。

They should make you feel more confident,

他們應該讓你更有信心，

not less.

不是更沒信心。

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

最後，第五項標誌：反覆無常。

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

（影片）橘 1：如果我們 分手，我會很傷心。

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

橘 2：我也會很傷心。（#那是愛）

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

橘 1：如果我們分手， 我會很沮喪。

I'd throw myself off this step.

我會去自殺。

I would! Don't try to stop me!

我真的會！不要試圖阻止我！

(#thatsnotlove)

（#那不是愛）

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

講者：常常分手又和好， 高潮時非常高，低潮時非常低：

as tension rises, so does volatility.

隨著緊繃度提升，更是反覆無常。

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

哭哭啼啼讓人灰心的吵架之後， 又是情緒化的和好，

hateful and hurtful comments like,

有恨意且傷人的評論，如

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

「你真不值得，我甚至不知道 我為什麼跟你在一起！」

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

立即接著道歉， 並保證不會再發生。

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

在這個時點，你會被這種 關係雲霄飛車給制約住，

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

你可能不會發現你們的關係 已經變得很不健康，

your relationship has become.

甚至很危險。

It can be really hard to see

可能很難看出

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

不健康的愛何時轉變成虐待，

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

但應該可以說，當你的關係 有越多這些標誌出現，

your relationship might have,

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

這段關係就變得越不健康， 可能還越危險。

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

如果你的直覺是要分手並離開，

which is advice so many of us give our friends

這的確是我們發現朋友身處在 不健康的關係中時會給的建議，

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

that's not always the best advice.

但它不見得一定是最好的建議。

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

分手可能會觸發暴力。

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

如果你怕你正在朝向虐待 前進或已經在被虐待，

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

你得尋求專家諮詢， 詢問怎麼離開才是安全的。

But it's not just about romantic relationships

但重點不只是愛情關係，

and it's not just about violence.

也不只是暴力。

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

了解不健康的愛有什麼徵兆，

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

能協助你審視和了解 你人生中的大多數關係。

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

這可能會是你第一次了解到 為什麼某段友誼會讓你感到失望，

or why every interaction with a certain family member

或為什麼和某位家人的所有互動

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

都讓你灰心、焦慮。

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

你甚至可能會開始了解 你自己的強烈感情和嫉妒

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

會造成你和工作同事之間的問題。

Understanding is the first step to improving,

改善的第一步是了解，

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

雖然你無法把每一段 不健康的關係變健康——

some you're going to have to leave behind --

我們得要放棄某些關係——

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

你仍然可以每天做好 你能做的部分，讓關係更好。

And here's the exciting news:

有個讓人興奮的消息：

it's actually not rocket science.

它並沒有多困難。

Open communication, mutual respect,

開發的溝通、相互的尊重、

kindness, patience --

仁慈、耐心——

we can practice these things every day.

我們每天都可以練習這些。

And while practice will definitely make you better,

雖然練習一定會讓你更好，

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

但我也保證練習不會讓你完美。

I do this for a living

這是我維生的工作，

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

每天我都在想、在談健康的關係，

and still I do unhealthy things.

而我仍然會做出不健康的事。

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

有一天，我在試著 把我的四個孩子弄出門，

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

當時大家對於早餐 吵個不停，抱怨個不停，

I completely lost it.

我完全失控了。

With an intentionally angry edge,

帶著刻意的怒火，

I screamed,

我大叫：

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

「大家通通閉嘴，照我說的做！

You are the worst!

你們最差勁了！

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

我要取消看電視的時間和點心，

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

還有你們人生中可以 享受的所有一切事物！」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Anybody been there?

有人有過這種狀況嗎？

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Volatility, belittling.

反覆無常、輕視。

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

我的長子轉身看著我，說：

"Mom, that's not love."

「媽，那不是愛。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

他這樣批評我， 讓我在當下真想殺了他。

Trust me.

我是說真的。

But then I gathered myself

但，接著，我振作起來，

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

知道嗎，其實我很自豪。

I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

我很自豪他能用話語讓我暫停。

I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

我希望我孩子都能了解

他們該如何被對待的 標準應該設在哪裡，

for how they're treated

and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

且在標準沒達到時， 他們要說話、要出聲來表達，

versus just accepting it.

而不只是接受那個狀況。

For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

我們長久以來認為 關係是個軟性的主題，

when relationship skills are one of the most important

其實關係技巧是人生中

最重要也最難建立的技巧之一。

and hard to build things in life.

Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

了解不健康的徵兆不僅可以

help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

協助你避開可能會導致 不健康的愛的那些情況，

but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

了解和練習這種健康的藝術

can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

還能改善人生中幾乎每一個面向。

I'm completely convinced

我堅信

that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

雖然愛是一種直覺、一種情緒，

the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

但用更好的方式去愛， 是人人都可以學習的能力，

and improve on over time.

可以隨時間改善的能力。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）