The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

Translator: Jacob Ostergaard Reviewer: Jette Thrane

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

Når man tænker på sit barn, en nær ven, eller sin kæreste,

the word "love" probably comes to mind,

forbinder man det ofte med ordet "kærlighed",

and instantly other emotions rush in:

og straks kommer der flere følelser til:

joy and hope,

glæde og håb,

excitement, trust and security,

begejstring, tiltro og tryghed

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

og ja, nogle gange skuffelse og bedrøvelse

There might not be a word in the dictionary

Der er næppe et ord i ordbogen

that more of us are connected to than love.

som flere kan relatere til end kærlighed.

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

Men i betragtning af, hvor vigtigt det er for os

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

er det så ikke mærkeligt, at vi ikke lærer hvordan man egentlig elsker?

We build friendships,

Vi opbygger venskaber

navigate early romantic relationships,

håndterer vores første romantiske forhold,

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

bliver gift og får børn

med en forventning om, at vi finder ud af det.

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

Men sandheden er, at vi ofte skader og nedgør dem, vi elsker.

It can be subtle things

Det kan være små ting,

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

som at presse en ven til at bruge tid med en

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

eller smuglæse sin kærestes beskeder

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

eller at udskamme sit barn for at tage for let på skolearbejdet.

Alle oplever

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

usund opførsel i en relation

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

og alle gør usunde ting.

It's part of being human.

Det er en del af at være menneske.

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

Når den er allerværst, tager den skade, vi volder hinanden

shows up as abuse and violence,

form af mishandling og vold.

and relationship abuse

og mishandling i et forhold

is something that one in three women and one in four men

er noget, hver tredje kvinde og hver fjerde mand

oplever i løbet af deres liv.

will experience in their lifetime.

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

Hvis du er som de fleste, der hører om de tal,

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

vil du straks sige: "Den slags kunne aldrig ske for mig."

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

Man tager instinktivt klar afstand fra ord som "mishandling" og "vold".

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

Man tænker, det kun sker for andre, et andet sted.

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

Men sandheden er, at usunde relationer og mishandling er over det hele.

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

Vi kalder det bare noget andet og ignorerer forbindelserne.

Mishandling sniger sig ind på os forklædt i usund kærlighed.

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

I work for an organization called One Love

Jeg arbejder for organisationen One Love,

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

startet af en familie, hvor datteren, Yeardley, blev dræbt af sin ekskæreste

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

Det var en tragedie, ingen havde set komme

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

men da de kiggede tilbage, kunne de se, at faresignalerne var der.

Der var bare ingen, der havde forstået dem.

just no one understood what they were seeing.

Med ord som "skør", "drama" og "lidt for meget at drikke",

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

blev hans opførsel bortforklaret som noget andet end det, den var:

which was clear signs of danger.

nemlig et tydeligt faresignal.

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

Hendes familie indså, at hvis nogen havde lært

om den slags signaler, kunne hendes død være undgået.

her death could have been prevented.

So today we're on a mission to make sure

Så vores mission er at sikre os,

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

at andre ved det, Yeardley og hendes venner ikke vidste.

We have three main goals:

Vi har tre overordnede mål:

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

at udstyre alle med et sprog, vi kan bruge til at tale om noget,

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

der er ret akavet og ubehageligt at tale om;

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

at bevæbne en hel brigade af venner, med redskaber til at hjælpe;

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

og samtidig lære alle at elske på en bedre måde.

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

For at kunne gøre det, er det vigtigt først at udpege

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

de sygdomstegn, vi så tit overser.

and our work really focuses on creating content

og vores arbejde handler meget om at lave materiale

to start conversations with young people.

til at komme i dialog med unge mennesker.

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

I sagens natur er indholdet ret alvorligt

given the subject at hand,

når nu emnet er så alvorligt,

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

men i dag vil jeg bruge et af vores mere muntre

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

men stadig tankevækkende sæt:

"The Couplets,"

"Er det kærlighed?"

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

til at vise fem markører for usund kærlighed

The first is intensity.

Den første er intensitet

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

A: Jeg har ikke set dig i nogle dage. Jeg har savnet dig.

B: Jeg har også savnet dig. (#kærlighed)

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

A: Jeg har ikke set dig i fem minutter. Det føles som en evighed.

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

Hvad har du lavet uden mig i hele fem minutter?

B: Der er kun gået tre minutter. (#ikkekærlighed)

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

Er der nogen, der kan genkende det? Jeg kan godt.

Usunde forhold er ikke usunde fra begyndelsen

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

I begyndelsen er de fortryllende

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

Følelserne er intense, det er som en rus.

It feels really good.

Det føles fantastisk.

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

Man føler sig heldig, som om man har vundet i Lotto.

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

Men i et usundt forhold, skifter disse følelser sig over tid

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

fra fortryllende til overvældende og måske lidt kvælende.

You feel it in your gut.

Man kan mærke det i maven.

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

Måske er det når ens nye kæreste

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

siger "jeg elsker dig" før man var parat til det

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

eller pludselig dukker op overalt og skriver og ringer hele tiden.

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

Måske er vedkommende utålmodig, når man er længe om at svare.

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

selvom de godt ved, at man havde travlt den dag.

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

Det vigtige er ikke, hvordan et forhold begynder,

it's how it evolves.

men hvordan det udvikler sig.

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

Det er vigtigt i begyndelsen af et nyt forhold

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

at være opmærksom på, hvordan man har det.

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

Har du det okay med, hvor hurtigt det bliver mere intimt?

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

Føler du, at der er plads til dig?

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

Det er også meget vigtigt at øve sig i at bruge sin stemme

to talk about your own needs.

til at tale om sine egne behov.

Are your requests respected?

Bliver der lyttet, når du beder om noget?

A second marker is isolation.

En anden markør er isolation.

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

A: Skal vi ses?

B: Jeg skal se film med kæresten #kærlighed

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

A: Skal vi ses?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

B: Jeg skal se film med kæresten

A: I morgen? B: Se serier med kæresten

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

A: I overmorgen? B: Da har vi alenetid. #ikkekærlighed

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

Efter min mening er isolation en af de mest oversete

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

og misforståede tegn på usund kærlighed.

Why?

Hvorfor?

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

Fordi alle nye forhold begynder med en intens lyst

to spend time together,

til at være sammen.

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

Man overser nemt, at der sker et skift.

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

isolationen sniger sig ind, når ens nye kæreste

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

begynder at trække en væk fra venner og familie

your support system,

ens bagland,

and tethering you more tightly to them.

og fæstner en tættere til vedkommende selv.

They might say things like,

Han eller hun siger måske:

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

"Hvorfor bruger du tid på dem? De er så nederen."

about your best friends,

om ens bedste venner,

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

eller "De vil adskille os. De har noget imod os."

about your family.

om ens familie.

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

Isolation handler om at sprede mistro

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

til alle andre i ens liv.

Healthy love includes independence,

Sund kærlighed indebærer uafhængighed,

two people who love spending time together

to mennesker, som elsker at være sammen

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

men også holder fast i de folk og de ting, de altid har holdt af.

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

Hvor man i begyndelsen er sammen dag og nat

over time maintaining independence is key.

er det vigtigt, som tiden går, at bevare sin uafhængighed.

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

Det gør man ved at lave aftaler med venner og holde dem.

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

og opfordre sin kæreste til at gøre det samme.

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

En tredje markør for usund kærlighed er ekstrem jalousi.

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

(Video) A: Hvad er du så glad over?

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

B: Hun er lige begyndt at følge mig på Instagram! (#kærlighed)

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

A: Hvad er du så nervøs over?

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

B: Hun... hun er begyndt at følge mig, overalt.

(#thatsnotlove)

(#ikkekærlighed)

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

Når den første tids magi lægger sig,

extreme jealousy can creep in.

kan den ekstreme jalousi snige sig ind.

Your partner might become more demanding,

Ens kæreste bliver måske mere krævende,

og vil vide hvor man er og hvem man er sammen med, hele tiden

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

eller begynder måske at følge en overalt, online og offline

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

Med den ekstreme jalousi kommer besidderiskhed og mistro

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

beskyldninger om flirt eller utroskab,

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

og uvilje til at lytte, når man forsikrer

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

at der intet er at bekymre sig om og man ikke elsker andre.

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

Jalousi findes i alle forhold mellem to mennesker

but extreme jealousy is different.

men ekstrem jalousi er noget andet.

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

Det har en truende, desperat og vred afskygning.

Love shouldn't feel like this.

Sådan skal kærlighed ikke føles.

A fourth marker is belittling.

En fjerde markør er nedgørelse

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

A: Skal vi lave noget? B: Jeg skal læse.

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

A: Du får topkarakter alligevel. Fordi du er toppen. (#kærlighed)

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

A: Skal vi lave noget? B: Jeg skal læse.

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

A: Du dumper alligevel

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

A: fordi du er så... træls. (#ikkekærlighed)

KH: Yeah, hmm.

Ja, hmm...

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

I usund kærlighed bliver ord til våben.

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

Samtaler, der plejede at være lette og sjove

turn mean and embarrassing.

bliver ondskabsfulde og pinlige.

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

Måske gør ens kæreste grin med en på en måde der gør ondt,

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

eller måske sladrer de om en eller gør sig morsomme på ens bekostning

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

Når man prøver at forklare, at man føler sig såret

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

lukker de af og beskylder en for at overreagere

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

"Hvorfor er du så overfølsom? Hvad er dit problem? Slap nu af."

You are silenced by these words.

Man får lukket munden.

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

Din kæreste skal naturligvis bakke dig op.

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

Deres ord skal styrke dig, ikke svække dig.

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

De skal holde på dine hemmeligheder og være loyale.

They should make you feel more confident,

Din kæreste skal gøre dig mere selvsikker,

not less.

ikke mindre.

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

Og som det sidste, en femte markør: voldsomme udsving.

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

A: Jeg håber vi bliver sammen.

B: Det håber jeg også. (#kærlighed)

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

A: Jeg går i sort, hvis vi nogensinde slår op.

I'd throw myself off this step.

A: Jeg kaster mig ud fra det her trin.

I would! Don't try to stop me!

A: Jeg gør det! Du kan ikke stoppe mig!

(#thatsnotlove)

(#ikkekærlighed)

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

Man slår op, begynder igen, slår op igen, flyver højt og falder dybt.

as tension rises, so does volatility.

Jo mere anspændt det bliver, jo større bliver udsvingene.

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

Først skændes man i vredestårer og så gør man det godt igen i glædestårer.

Hadske og sårende kommentarer, som:

hateful and hurtful comments like,

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

"Du kan ingenting, jeg ved ikke hvad jeg laver med dig."

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

hurtigt fulgt af undskyldninger og løfter om, at det aldrig sker igen.

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

Man kan blive så vant til disse rutsjeture

at man slet ikke opfatter, hvor usundt og måske endda farligt

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

your relationship has become.

ens forhold er blevet.

It can be really hard to see

Det kan være virkelig svært at se

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

når usund kærlighed får karakter af mishandling

men jo flere af disse markører

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

your relationship might have,

ens forhold har,

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

jo mere usundt og måske direkte farligt kan det tænkes at være

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

Og hvis du tænker, at så skal man bare komme væk,

which is advice so many of us give our friends

hvilket tit er det, vi foreslår vores venner,

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

når de er i usunde forhold,

that's not always the best advice.

så er det ikke altid et godt forslag.

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

Bruddet kan være det, der udløser vold.

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

Hvis du frygter, at du bliver offer for mishandling,

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

skal du henvende dig til en ekspert der kan hjælpe dig sikkert ud af forholdet

But it's not just about romantic relationships

Men det handler ikke kun om parforhold

and it's not just about violence.

og det handler ikke kun om vold.

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

At forstå kendetegnene ved usund kærlighed

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

kan hjælpe dig med at revidere alle dine relationer.

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

Du vil måske endelig forstå, hvorfor du har det svært med en bestemt ven

or why every interaction with a certain family member

eller hvorfor du altid føler dig modløs efter at have talt med

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

et bestemt familiemedlem.

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

Måske vil du endda indse, at din egen intensitet og jalousi

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

volder problemer med dine arbejdskolleger.

Understanding is the first step to improving,

Forståelse er det første skridt mod forandring,

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

og selvom du ikke kan helbrede alle usunde forhold --

some you're going to have to leave behind --

nogle af dem må du opgive --

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

så kan du hver dag gøre dit for at agere bedre i dine relationer.

And here's the exciting news:

Og her er den gode nyhed:

it's actually not rocket science.

det kræver faktisk ikke en Ph.D.

Open communication, mutual respect,

Åben kommunikation, gensidig respekt

venlighed, tålmodighed --

kindness, patience --

we can practice these things every day.

det kan vi udøve hver dag.

And while practice will definitely make you better,

Men selvom øvelse gør en bedre

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

så må jeg også sige, at det nok ikke gør dig til en mester

I do this for a living

Det her er mit arbejde

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

hver eneste dag tænker og taler jeg om sunde relationer,

and still I do unhealthy things.

og alligevel gør jeg usunde ting.

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

Forleden, da jeg var ved at bugsere mine fire børn ud af døren

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

under ævl og kævl og brok over morgenmaden,

I completely lost it.

slog det fuldstændig klik for mig.

With an intentionally angry edge,

Med overlagt vrede i stemmen

I screamed,

skreg jeg,

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

"Hold nu kæft og gør som jeg siger!

You are the worst!

I er ikke til at holde ud!

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

Der bliver ingen skærmtid og ingen dessert

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

eller nogen som helst andet godt overhovedet, nogensinde!"

(Laughter)

(latter)

Anybody been there?

Er der nogen, der kender det?

(Applause)

(klapsalver)

Volatility, belittling.

Udsving, nedgørelse.

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

Min ældste søn vendte sig om, så på mig, og sagde:

"Mom, that's not love."

"Mor, det der er ikke kærlighed."

(Laughter)

(latter)

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

Først havde jeg lyst til at dræbe ham for at påpege det.

Trust me.

Tro mig.

But then I gathered myself

Men så samlede jeg mig sammen

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

og tænkte, ved du hvad, jeg er faktisk stolt.

I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

Jeg er stolt af, at han har sproget til at få mig til at stoppe op.

I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

Jeg vil gerne, at mine børn forstår hvor grænsen går for,

for how they're treated

hvordan man kan behandle dem,

and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

og at de har et sprog og en stemme, de kan bruge, når den er nået

versus just accepting it.

i stedet for bare at lade stå til.

For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

Alt for længe har vi set relationer som et blødt emne.

when relationship skills are one of the most important

I virkeligheden er relationelle egenskaber

en af de vigtigste og sværeste ting i livet.

and hard to build things in life.

Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

Ikke alene kan det at kende sygdomstegnene

help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

hjælpe en til at styre uden om usund kærlighed.

but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

At forstå og udøve sundhedens kunst

can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

kan forbedre næsten alt i ens liv.

I'm completely convinced

Jeg er helt overbevist om,

that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

at selvom kærlighed er et instinkt og en følelse,

the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

så er evnen til at elske bedre en færdighed, alle kan lære

and improve on over time.

og blive bedre til med tiden.

Thank you.

Tak.

(Applause)

(klapsalver)