The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED

Translator: Anna Comas-Quinn Reviewer: Anna Albiol Esquer

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

Quan pensem en un fill, un amic o una parella romàntica

the word "love" probably comes to mind,

ens ve al cap la paraula "amor",

and instantly other emotions rush in:

i tot un seguit d'emocions:

joy and hope,

felicitat i esperança,

excitement, trust and security,

il·lusió, confiança i seguretat,

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

i també de vegades tristor i decepció.

There might not be a word in the dictionary

Potser no hi ha al diccionari una paraula

that more of us are connected to than love.

amb la qual connectem més que amb "amor".

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

Tot i la centralitat que té a les nostres vides,

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

no és curiós que mai no ens hagin ensenyat a estimar?

We build friendships,

Fem amistats,

navigate early romantic relationships,

gestionem els inicis de relacions romàntiques,

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

ens casem i tornem de l'hospital amb criatures,

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

esperant saber com fer-ho.

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

Però en realitat, sovint fem mal i no respectem els qui ens estimem.

It can be subtle things

Poden ser coses petites

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

com culpar un amic si no passa temps amb nosaltres,

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

o fer una ullada als missatges de text de la parella,

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

o avergonyir un fill perquè no estudia.

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

El 100% de nosaltres, acabarà patint

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

conductes poc sanes en la relació.

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

I el 100% de nosaltres tindrà conductes poc sanes.

It's part of being human.

És part de ser humà.

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

En el pitjor del casos, el mal que fem als qui estimem

shows up as abuse and violence,

es manifesta en abusos i violència,

and relationship abuse

i els abusos dins d'una relació

is something that one in three women and one in four men

els pateixen una de cada tres dones i un de cada quatre homes

will experience in their lifetime.

al llarg de les seves vides.

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

La majoria, quan sent aquestes estadístiques,

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

diu: "No, no, no, a mi això no em passaria pas".

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

És instintiu rebutjar les paraules "abús" i "violència",

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

pensar que això els hi passa als altres, en un altre lloc.

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

Però la veritat és que les relacions poc sanes i els abusos són pertot arreu.

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

Diem que són altres coses i ignorem la connexió.

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

L'abús ens el trobem amagat en l'amor poc sa.

I work for an organization called One Love

Treballo per a l'organització One Love.

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

La filla de la família que la va crear va ser assassinada per l'ex-xicot.

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

Una tragèdia que ningú no s'esperava,

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

però mirant enrere, s'adonaren que hi va haver senyals d'alarma

just no one understood what they were seeing.

i que ningú no havia entès que ho eren.

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

En diuen bogeria, dramatisme o excés de beguda.

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

Les accions d'ell no les van entendre pel que realment eren:

which was clear signs of danger.

senyals d'alarma claríssimes.

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

La família es va adonar que si els haguessin educat per detectar-les,

her death could have been prevented.

s'hagués pogut prevenir la seva mort.

So today we're on a mission to make sure

Avui la nostra missió és assegurar-nos

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

que tothom té la informació que Yeardley i els seus amics no tenien.

We have three main goals:

Tenim tres objectius:

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

acordar un llenguatge per parlar d'un tema

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

que és difícil i incòmode de tractar.

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

Apoderar la primera línia, és a dir, els amics, perquè ajudin.

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

I, en el procés, millorar la nostra capacitat per estimar millor.

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

Per fer això, cal començar per il·luminar

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

els indicis de conductes poc sanes que sovint no veiem.

and our work really focuses on creating content

La nostra feina es centra en crear contingut

to start conversations with young people.

per poder parlar amb la gent jove.

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

Com us podeu imaginar, el contingut sol ser força seriós

given the subject at hand,

donat la temàtica,

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

però avui faré servir un dels materials més entretinguts

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

i tot i així provocadors:

"The Couplets,"

"Les parelletes",

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

per tal d'il·luminar cinc trets de l'amor poc sa.

The first is intensity.

El primer és la intensitat.

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

(Vídeo) Blau: Fa dos dies que no et veia. T'he enyorat.

Taronja: Jo també t'he enyorat. (#ésamor)

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

Blau: Fa cinc minuts que no et veig. Sembla tota una vida.

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

Què has fet sense mi aquests cinc minuts?

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

Taronja: Només fa tres minuts (#noésamor)

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

Us sona? No sé, a mi sí.

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

Les relacions abusives no comencen sent així.

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

Comencen sent emocionants i apassionants.

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

Hi ha una intensitat en l'afecte i l'emoció, hi ha pressa.

It feels really good.

Ens sentim molt bé.

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

Ens sentim afortunats com si ens toqués la loteria.

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

Però en l'amor poc sa, aquests sentiments canvien amb el temps

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

d'emocionants a aclaparadors, potser fins i tot asfixiants.

You feel it in your gut.

Ho notes a la panxa.

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

Potser quan el nou xicot o xicota

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

diu que t'estima abans del que t'esperaves

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

o et segueix pertot arreu, et truca massa o t'envia missatges.

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

Potser s'impacienta quan no contestes de seguida,

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

tot i que sap que tens altres coses a fer.

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

Cal recordar que no és com comença la relació el que importa,

it's how it evolves.

sinó com es desenvolupa.

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

En els primers dies d'una relació

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

cal parar atenció a com ens sentim.

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

La part íntima va massa ràpid?

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

Trobem que tenim espai per respirar?

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

Cal practicar aviat l'ús de la nostra veu

to talk about your own needs.

per expressar les nostres necessitats.

Are your requests respected?

Es respecta allò que volem?

A second marker is isolation.

El segon tret és l'aïllament.

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

(Vídeo) Taronja 2: Vols quedar?

Taronja 1: És que nosaltres sempre fem "Dilluns junts". (#ésamor)

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

Taronja 2: Vols quedar?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Taronja 1: És que fem "Dilluns junts".

T2: I demà? T1: És el "Dimarts estem plegats".

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

T2: I dimecres? T1: És el "Dia sense amics". (#noésamor).

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

Jo crec que l'aïllament és el tret de les relacions poc sanes

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

que més sovint s'ignora o no s'entén.

Why?

Per què?

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

Perquè totes les relacions comencen amb un desig intens

to spend time together,

d'estar junts.

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

És fàcil no veure quan les coses canvien.

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

L'aïllament comença a poc a poc quan el xicot o la xicota

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

ens aparta dels amics i de la família,

your support system,

el nostre suport,

and tethering you more tightly to them.

i ens va lligant més a ell o a ella.

They might say things like,

Diuent coses com:

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

"Per què quedes amb ells? Són uns pesats."

about your best friends,

dels teus millors amics, o:

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

"Ens volen fer tallar. Estan en contra nostra."

about your family.

de la família.

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

L'aïllament és plantar llavors de dubte

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

sobre la gent que hi havia a la teva vida abans de la relació.

Healthy love includes independence,

L'amor sa inclou la independència,

two people who love spending time together

dues persones que gaudeixen estant juntes

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

però segueixen connectades a les persones i activitats que s'estimaven abans.

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

Potser al principi voleu estar junts cada minut del dia,

over time maintaining independence is key.

però a la llarga, mantenir la indepedència és fonamental.

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

Cal fer plans amb els amics i complir-los

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

i animar a la parella a fer el mateix.

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

Un tercer tret de l'amor poc sa és la gelosia extrema.

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

(Vídeo) Blau 2: Què fas tan feliç?

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

Blau 1: M'ha començat a seguir a Instagram! (#ésamor)

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

Blau 2: Per què estàs tan nerviós?

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

Blau 1: M'ha, m'ha començat a seguir... pertot arreu.

(#thatsnotlove)

(#noésamor)

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

Quan s'acaba la lluna de mel

extreme jealousy can creep in.

pot començar la gelosia extrema.

Your partner might become more demanding,

La parella es pot tornar més exigent,

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

vol saber on ets i amb qui en tot moment,

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

o et comença a seguir pertot arreu, inclús per internet.

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

La gelosia extrema torna a la persona possessiva i desconfiada,

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

ens acusa de flirtejar amb altres o d'infidelitat

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

i es nega a escoltar-nos si li diem

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

que no cal que pateixi, que l'estimem.

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

La gelosia és part de les relacions humanes,

but extreme jealousy is different.

però la gelosia extrema és diferent.

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

Té un punt compulsiu, desesperat i enrabiat.

Love shouldn't feel like this.

L'amor no ha de ser així.

A fourth marker is belittling.

El quart tret és el menyspreu.

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

(Vídeo) Blau: Vols quedar? Taronja: He d'estudiar.

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

Blau: Però si treuràs un excel·lent, tu ets excel·lent. (#ésamor)

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

Blau: Vols quedar? Taronja: He d'estudiar.

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

Blau: Si suspendràs igual,

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

suspendràs perquè... ets inútil. (#noésamor)

KH: Yeah, hmm.

Ja...

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

Una relació poc sana fa servir les paraules com armes.

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

Converses que abans eren divertides i fàcils

turn mean and embarrassing.

es tornen mesquines i humiliants.

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

Potser la parella es riu de nosaltres i ens fa mal,

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

o potser explica anècdotes o acudits a costa nostra.

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

Quan intentem explicar que ens hem sentit dolguts,

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

no ens escolta o ens acusa d'exagerar.

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

"Mira que ets sensible! Què et passa? No n'hi ha per tant."

You are silenced by these words.

Ens fa callar amb aquestes paraules.

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

Sembla evident, però la nostra parella ens hauria de fer costat.

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

Les seves paraules ens haurien d'ajudar, no ensorrar.

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

Ser lleïal i no explicar els nostres secrets.

They should make you feel more confident,

Ens hauria de fer sentit més segurs,

not less.

no menys.

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

Per acabar, l'últim tret: la volatilitat.

(Vídeo) Taronja 1: Em sabria greu tallar.

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

Taronja 2: A mi també (#ésamor).

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

Taronja 1: Si tallèssim estaria tan deprimida

I'd throw myself off this step.

que em tiraria d'aquest pedrís.

I would! Don't try to stop me!

Ho faria! No intentis aturar-me!

(#thatsnotlove)

(#noésamor).

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

Tallar i tornar-hi sovint, alts i baixos extrems:

as tension rises, so does volatility.

com més tensió, més volàtil.

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

Llàgrimes i baralles frustrants, seguides d'emotives reconciliacions,

hateful and hurtful comments like,

comentaris plens d'odi com:

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

"No vals res, no sé per què estic amb tu!"

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

seguits ràpidament de disculpes i promeses de que no tornarà a passar.

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

Ja t'has acostumat tant a la muntanya russa que és la relació

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

que potser ni t'adones que no és sana i que pot ser una relació

your relationship has become.

fins i tot perillosa.

It can be really hard to see

Costa veure quan l'amor poc sa

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

s'ha convertit en abús,

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

però sí s'ha de dir que quants més d'aquests trets

your relationship might have,

hi ha a la teva relació,

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

més probable és que sigui poc sana i fins i tot perillosa.

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

I si el teu instint és tallar i marxar,

which is advice so many of us give our friends

que és el que aconsellem als amics

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

que estan en relacions poc sanes,

that's not always the best advice.

això no sempre és el millor consell.

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

El moment d'acabar la relació pot generar violència.

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

Si creus que estàs en una relació abusiva o que ho pot acabar sent,

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

més val consultar un professional que t'aconselli com marxar sense perill.

But it's not just about romantic relationships

Però no tot són relacions romàntiques,

and it's not just about violence.

i no tot és qüestió de violència.

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

Entendre els senyals d'un amor poc sa

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

ens pot ajudar a entendre gairebé totes les nostres relacions.

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

Ens pot fer entendre per què ens deceb una amistat

or why every interaction with a certain family member

o per què les interaccions amb un cert familiar

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

ens deixen sempre nerviosos i desanimats.

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

Potser ens fa veure com la nostra intensitat o gelosia

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

ens porta problemes amb els companys de feina.

Understanding is the first step to improving,

El primer pas per millorar és entendre-ho,

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

i tot i que no podem millorar totes les relacions poc sanes,

some you're going to have to leave behind --

algunes les haurem d'abandonar,

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

podem treballar cada dia per millorar les nostres relacions.

And here's the exciting news:

I ara les bones notícies:

it's actually not rocket science.

no cal ser un Einstein.

Open communication, mutual respect,

Comunicació oberta, respecte mutu,

kindness, patience --

amabilitat, paciència...

we can practice these things every day.

es poden practicar cada dia.

And while practice will definitely make you better,

I si la pràctica ajuda,

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

us prometo que no us farà perfectes.

I do this for a living

Jo em dedico a això

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

i cada dia penso i parlo sobre les relacions sanes,

and still I do unhealthy things.

i tot i així faig coses que no ho són.

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

L'altre dia havíem de sortir de casa amb els meus quatre fills

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

i entre baralles, discussions i queixes sobre l'esmorzar,

I completely lost it.

vaig perdre la paciència.

With an intentionally angry edge,

Molt enfadada,

I screamed,

vaig cridar:

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

"Calleu i feu el que us dic!

You are the worst!

Sou el pitjor que hi ha!

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

S'han acabat les pantalles, les postres

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

i tot el que us pugui fer gaudir de la vida!".

(Laughter)

(Rialles)

Anybody been there?

Us ho sabeu, no?

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)

Volatility, belittling.

Volatilitat, menyspreu.

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

El meu fill gran es va girar, em va mirar i va dir:

"Mom, that's not love."

"Mama, això no és amor".

(Laughter)

(Rialles)

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

Per un moment, el volia escanyar per renyar-me.

Trust me.

Us ho prometo.

But then I gathered myself

Però després vaig reaccionar

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

i vaig pensar: "Saps què? N'estic molt orgullosa".

I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

Orgullosa que tinguin les paraules per aturar-me.

I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

Vull que els meus fills entenguin

for how they're treated

com els han de tractar,

and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

i que tinguin paraules i veu per demanar-ho si no és així,

versus just accepting it.

en comptes d'acceptar-ho.

For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

Fa massa temps que pensem que les relacions són un tema fàcil,

when relationship skills are one of the most important

quan en realitat són una de les coses més importants

and hard to build things in life.

i difícils de les nostres vides.

Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

Entendre els senyals de l'amor poc sa

help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

ens ajudarà a evitar els forats negres que ens xuclen cap a l'amor poc sa.

but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

Entendre i practicar l'art de les relacions sanes

can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

pot millorar gairebé tots els aspectes de la nostra vida.

I'm completely convinced

Estic convençuda

that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

que si bé l'amor és un instint i una emoció,

the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

la capacitat d'estimar millor és una habilitat que tots podem millorar

and improve on over time.

i perfeccionar amb el temps.

Thank you.

Gràcies.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)