Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

Translator: Edin Duraković Reviewer: Anja Pogacnik

Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --

Torej tukaj se prične najina zgodba,

the dramatic moments of the birth

dramatičen trenutek, ko se je rodil

of our first son, Declan.

najin prvi sin Declan.

Obviously a really profound moment,

Kot je očitno, gre za prvinski trenutek,

and it changed our lives in many ways.

ki je v marsičem spremenil najini življenji.

It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,

Ta je v najina življenja prinesel nenadejanih sprememb,

and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,

in ko sva kasneje premišljevala o njih,

that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,

sva prišla do skupne poslovne ideje,

and a year later, we launched Babble,

leto kasneje sva namreč ustanovila Babble,

a website for parents.

spletno stran za starše.

Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story

Jaz pa mislim, da se je ta zgodba

as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.

pričela pravzaprav nekaj let prej. - Res je.

RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.

Kot se lahko spomniš, sva bila najprej zaljubljena do ušes.

AV: We did.

Da, res je.

RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.

Takrat sva v resnici imela drugačno spletno stran.

It was a website called Nerve.com,

Imenovala se je Nerve.com (Živec.com),

the tagline of which was "literate smut."

čigar podnaslov se je glasil "Knjižne obscenosti."

It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,

Teoretično, in upam da tudi praktično,

a smart online magazine

je šlo za pametno spletno revijo

about sex and culture.

o spolnosti in kulturi.

AV: That spawned a dating site.

Ki je sprožila spletno stran za zmenke.

But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.

In vam je hitro jasno, kakšne šale dobiš iz tega. Seks seveda povzroči otroke.

You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,

Slediš navodilom na Živcu in nato pristaneš na Babblu,

which we did.

kakor sva tudi midva.

And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.

Morda pa v prihodnje ustvariva še stran za starejše, nikoli ne veš.

RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble

Za naju prehod iz Živca na Babble

was not just the life stage thing,

ni bil povezan le z življenjskim obdobjem,

which is, of course, relevant,

čeprav je temu primeren,

but it was really more about

temveč je šlo bolj za

our desire to speak very honestly

najino željo, da iskreno spregovoriva

about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.

o rečeh, o katerih ljudje težko odkrito spregovorijo.

It seems to us that

Zdi se nama,

when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,

da ko se ljudje pričnejo pretvarjati o nečem, takrat lažejo,

that's when it gets really interesting.

in to šele postane zanimivo.

That's a subject that we want to dive into.

Prav to je tema, v katero se želiva poglobiti.

And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,

Kot mlada starša sva bila presenečena,

that there are almost more taboos around parenting

da obstaja več skrivnosti o starševstvu,

than there are around sex.

kakor pa o seksu.

AV: It's true. So like we said,

Res je. Torej kot rečeno,

the early years were really wonderful,

zgodnja leta so bila res čudovita,

but they were also really difficult.

toda prav tako tudi naporna.

And we feel like some of that difficulty

Čutiva pa, da del teh težav

was because of this false advertisement around parenting.

izvira iz izkrivljenega oglaševanja okrog starševstva.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,

Naročila sva se na številne revije, opravila svojo domačo nalogo,

but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.

toda kamorkoli se obrneš, si obkrožen s takšnimi podobami.

And we went into parenting

Tako sva vstopila v starševtstvo tudi sama

expecting our lives to look like this.

in pričakovala, da bo prav takšno tudi najino življenje.

The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.

Sonček bi nas neprestano grel, naši otroci pa ne bi jokali.

I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,

Moja frizura bi nenehno stala, bila bi spočita,

and in fact, it was not like that at all.

v resnici pa ni bilo prav nič podobno temu.

RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine

In ko sva spustila svetleče starševske revije,

that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,

v katerih sva občudovala vse te lepe podobe

and looked at the scene in our actual living room,

ter se ozrla naokoli po dnevni sobi,

it looked a little bit more like this.

je vse skupaj zgledalo bolj takole.

These are our three sons.

To so najini trije sinovi.

And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,

Seveda se ves čas ne jokajo in derejo,

but with three boys, there's a decent probability

toda s tremi fantki je vendarle večja verjetnost,

that at least one of them will not be comporting himself

da se vsaj eden ne bo obnašal

exactly as he should.

tako, kot bi se moral.

AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.

Ja, tukaj se vidi kje se je to trganje pričelo za naju.

We really felt like what we went in expecting

Pomislila sva, da to, kar sva pričakovala,

had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,

v resnici ni imelo nič skupnega s tem, kar sva doživljala,

and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.

zato sva se odločila, da bova to staršem odkrito povedala.

We really wanted to let them understand

Hotela sva, da bi razumeli,

what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.

kaj starševstvo v resnici pomeni.

RG: So today, what we would love to do

Kar želiva danes narediti je,

is share with you four parenting taboos.

z vami deliti štiri starševske tabuje.

And of course, there are many more than four things

Seveda obstaja veliko več kot štiri stvari,

you can't say about parenting,

ki jih ne smete izreči o starševstvu,

but we would like to share with you today

toda danes želiva z vami deliti

four that are particularly relevant for us personally.

tiste štiri, ki so bile še posebej zanimive za naju.

So the first, taboo number one:

Tabu št.1:

you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby

Ne reci, da se nisi že prvo minuto zaljubil

in the very first minute.

v svojega dojenčka.

I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.

Živo se spomnim, ko sem sedel v bolnišnici.

We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.

Bili smo sredi poroda najinega prvega otroka...

AV: We, or I?

- Mi ali jaz?

RG: I'm sorry.

Se opravičujem.

Misuse of the pronoun.

Nepravilna raba zaimka.

Alisa was very generously in the process

Alisa je bila velikodušno v procesu

of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)

rojevanja najinega prvega otroka... - Hvala.

-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.

... jaz pa sem le stal zraven z mrežico.

And I was there with my arms open.

In tako stojim tam z odprtimi rokami,

The nurse was coming at me

gledam babico, ki mi gre naproti

with this beautiful, beautiful child,

s tem prelepim otročičkom,

and I remember, as she was approaching me,

in medtem, ko se mi približuje, se spomnim

the voices of friends saying,

prijateljev, ki so mi govorili,

"The moment they put the baby in your hands,

"V trenutku, ko boš prijel dojenčka v naročje,

you will feel a sense of love that will come over you

te bo preplavil občutek ljubezni,

that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful

ki je po jakosti močnejši

than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."

od vsega, kar si kadarkoli doživel."

So I was bracing myself for the moment.

In tako se je začela priprava na ta trenutek.

The baby was coming,

Dojenček prihaja,

and I was ready for this Mack truck of love

jaz pa pripravljen na tovornjak ljubezni,

to just knock me off my feet.

ki me bo zadel in vrgel s tal.

And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,

V glavnem, ko sem prejel dojenčka v roke,

it was an extraordinary moment.

je bil to res izjemen trenutek.

This picture is from literally a few seconds after

Ta slika je nastala točno par sekund za tem,

the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.

ko sem ga imel v naročju in ga spet predal.

And you can see, our eyes were glistening.

Lahko vidite najine lesketajoče oči.

I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,

Bil sem preplavljen z ljubeznijo in naklonjenostjo do žene,

with deep, deep gratitude

in globoko hvaležen,

that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.

da sva dobila zdravega otroka.

And it was also, of course, surreal.

Bilo pa je tudi bizarno,

I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.

mislim, moral sem izpolniti vse te obrazce ipd.

I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"

Bil sem v dvomih, "Si prepričana, da je to najin otrok?"

And this was all quite remarkable.

Vse skupaj je bilo precej nenavadno.

But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,

Kar sem občutil do otroka tisti trenutek, je bila vsekakor globoka naklonjenost,

but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.

toda to ni nič v primerjavi s tem, kar čutim danes do njega, pet let kasneje.

And so we've done something here

Tako sva prišla do nečesa,

that is heretical.

kar je brezbožno početje.

We have charted

Najino ljubezen do otroka

our love for our child over time.

sva postavila v časovni diagram.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

This, as you know, is an act of heresy.

To je, kot veste, brezbožno dejanje.

You're not allowed to chart love.

Prepovedano je ljubezen meriti z grafi.

The reason you're not allowed to chart love

Razlog za to je v tem,

is because we think of love as a binary thing.

da o ljubezni razmišljamo necelovito, binarno.

You're either in love, or you're not in love.

Si bodisi zaljubljen ali pač ne.

You love, or you don't love.

Ljubiš ali pa ne ljubiš.

And I think the reality is that love is a process,

V resnici pa je ljubezen proces

and I think the problem with thinking of love

in problem pri dojemanju ljubezni

as something that's binary

kot nečesa, kar je razdvojeno

is that it causes us

je, da povzroča

to be unduly concerned

neupravično zaskrbljenost,

that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.

češ da je ljubezen varljiva, neprava ali karkoli vas že skrbi.

And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.

Očitno je, da tu govorim z očetovske perspektive.

But I think a lot of men do go through this sense

Čeprav menim, da veliko moških preživlja vse to

in the early months, maybe their first year,

v prvih mesecih oz. v prvem letu,

that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.

kot da je njihov čustveni odziv na nek način nepravilen.

AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,

Vesela sem, da je Rufus to izpostavil,

because you can notice where he dips in the first years

kajti lahko opazite kje doživlja padec v teh prvih letih,

where I think I was doing most of the work.

kjer seveda večino dela opravim jaz.

But we like to joke,

Rada se šaliva

in the first few months of all of our children's lives,

da je prvih nekaj mesecev življenja najinih otrok,

this is Uncle Rufus.

on stric Rufus.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.

Ja, zelo nežen stric, zelo nežen.

AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home

Ja, pogosto se pošalim z njim, ko pride domov,

that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up

da nisem ravno prepričana, če bi lahko prepoznal svoje otroke

amongst other babies.

med drugimi otroki.

So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.

Zato sem ga tudi izzvala s tem kvizom.

RG: Uh oh.

Ojoj.

AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.

Nočem ga izpostavljati preveč, pa vendar mu dam tri sekunde.

RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?

To ni pravično, to je trik, saj ga gotovo ni gor, kaj?

AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,

Najin sin, ki je star osem tednov je nekje vmes,

and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.

in res želim videti, kako hitro ga bo prepoznal.

RG: The far left. AV: No!

Prvi z leve? - Ne!

(Laughter)

(smeh)

RG: Cruel.

Kruto.

AV: Nothing more to be said.

Ni kaj reči.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

I'll move on to taboo number two.

Pojdimo na tabu št. 2:

You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.

Ne govori o osamljenosti, ko imaš otroka.

I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.

V nosečnosti sem uživala, res mi je bilo všeč.

I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.

S skupnostjo sem se počutila neverjetno povezano.

I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,

Bilo je, kakor da prav vsi sodelujejo pri moji nosečnosti,

tracking it down till the actual due-date.

in jo spremljajo vse do poroda.

I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.

Počutila sem se kakor ladja prihodnosti za človeštvo.

That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.

Podobno se je nadaljevalo v porodnišnici. Res je bilo veselo.

I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.

Bila sem zasuta z darili, rožami in obiskovalci.

It was a really wonderful experience,

Res je bila izjemna izkušnja,

but when I got home,

toda ko sem prišla domov,

I suddenly felt very disconnected

sem se naenkrat počutila odrezano

and suddenly shut in and shut out,

in v trenutku sem ugasnila tako navznoter kot navzven

and I was really surprised by those feelings.

ter sem bila povsem presenečena nad temi občutki.

I did expect it to be difficult,

Saj sem pričalovala da bo težko,

have sleepless nights, constant feedings,

z neprespanimi nočmi, nenehnim hranjenjem,

but I did not expect the feelings

toda nisem pa pričakovala,

of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,

da se bom počutila tako izolirano in osamljeno,

and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,

bila sem tudi presenečena, da se z menoj nihče ni pogovoril

that I was going to be feeling this way.

o tem, da se bom tako počutila.

And I called my sister

Poklicala sem sestro

whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --

s katero sva si zelo blizu - tudi ona ima tri otroke -

and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me

in jo vprašala, "Zakaj mi nisi povedala,

I was going to be feeling this way,

da se bom tako počutila,

that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"

in da bom doživljala občutke neverjetne osamljenosti?"

And she said -- I'll never forget --

Nikoli ne bom pozabila, da mi je rekla,

"It's just not something you want to say to a mother

"To preprosto ni nekaj, kar si želiš povedati mami,

that's having a baby for the first time."

ki je pravkar rodila prvega otroka."

RG: And of course, we think

Pravzaprav pa misliva,

it's precisely what you really should be saying

da je točno to potrebno povedati

to mothers who have kids for the first time.

materam, ki prvič povijajo svoje otroke.

And that this, of course, one of the themes for us

Ravno tema, ki je bila tako pomembna za naju,

is that we think

je po najinem mnenju

that candor and brutal honesty

kruta resničnost,

is critical to us collectively

ki je ključna za vse

being great parents.

dobre starše.

And it's hard not to think

In težko je spregledati,

that part of what leads to this sense of isolation

da je del tega, kar nas vodi v ta občutek izoliranosti

is our modern world.

pravzaprav sodoben način življenja.

So Alisa's experience is not isolated.

Alisina izkušnja tako ni edina.

So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed

Kar 58 % vprašanih mater

report feelings of loneliness.

poroča o občutkih osamljenosti.

Of those, 67 percent are most lonely

Od teh se 67% počuti najbolj osamljene

when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.

v obdobju starosti otrok od 0-5 let, najbrž jih je največ med 0-2 letoma.

In the process of preparing this,

Ko sva tole pripravljala,

we looked at how some other cultures around the world

sva preverila kako se v drugih kulturah po svetu

deal with this period of time,

soočajo s tem obdobjem,

because here in the Western world,

kajti v zahodnem svetu,

less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,

nas manj kot polovica živi v bližini drugih družinskih članov,

which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.

kar je deloma razlog zakaj je to obdobje tako zahtevno.

So to take one example among many:

Na primer:

in Southern India

v južni Indiji

there's a practice known as jholabhari,

obstaja tradicija, t.i. "jholabhari,"

in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,

kjer se nosečnica v sedmem ali osmem mesecu nosečnosti

moves in with her mother

preseli k svoji mami

and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,

in gre skozi niz ritualov in ceremonij,

give birth and returns home to her nuclear family

rodi in se vrne k svoji družini

several months after the child is born.

šele nekaj mesecev po rojstvu otroka.

And this is one of many ways

To je en od načinov,

that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.

ki jih druge kulture uporabljajo, da premostijo to obdobje osamljenosti.

AV: So taboo number three:

Tabu št. 3:

you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.

Ne smeš govoriti o splavu - toda danes bom govoril o svojem.

So after we had Declan,

Po sinu Declanu,

we kind of recalibrated our expectations.

sva tako najprej ovrednotila pričakovanja.

We thought we actually could go through this again

Mislila sva, da lahko greva skozi to še enkrat

and thought we knew what we would be up against.

in da veva s čim se soočava.

And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,

Hvaležna sva bila, da sva sploh lahko zanosila,

and I soon learned that we were having a boy,

kmalu sem spoznala, da bomo imeli še enega fantka,

and then when I was five months,

nato pa sva v petem mesecu nosečnosti

we learned that we had lost our child.

ugotovila, da sva otroka izgubila.

This is actually the last little image we have of him.

To je njegov zadnji posnetek, ki ga imava.

And it was obviously a very difficult time --

Bil težak čas -

really painful.

zelo boleč.

As I was working through that mourning process,

Medtem, ko sem žalovala,

I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.

sem bila presenečena, da nočem nikogar videti.

I really wanted to crawl into a hole,

Resnično sem si želela le, da se skrijem nekam globoko,

and I didn't really know how I was going

saj nisem niti vedela kako se bom

to work my way back into my surrounding community.

vrnila nazaj v službo, bližnjo okolico.

And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,

Če se prav spomnim tistih občutkov

is on a really deep gut level,

je bil globoko spodaj

I was feeling a lot of shame

občutek neverjetno močnega sramu,

and embarrassed, frankly,

ponižanja, iskreno povedano,

that, in some respects, I had failed

kakor da nisem uspela

at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.

dati tistega, za kar sem genetsko ustvarjena.

And of course, it made me question,

Seveda sem se takoj pričela spraševati,

if I wasn't able to have another child,

ali bom sploh še kdaj lahko rodila,

what would that mean for my marriage,

pa kaj bo to pomenilo za moj zakon

and just me as a woman.

in zame kot žensko.

So it was a very difficult time.

Bili so res težki časi.

As I started working through it more,

Tako sem na poti premišljevanja o tem

I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.

pričela govoriti tudi z drugimi in tako počasi lazila iz svoje luknje.

I was really amazed

Bila sem presunjena

by all the stories that started flooding in.

nad zgodbami, ki so privrele na dan.

People I interacted with daily,

Ljudje, s katerimi sem bila dnevno v stikih,

worked with, was friends with,

z njimi delala in prijateljevala,

family members that I had known a long time,

celo družinski člani, ki sem jih že dolgo poznala,

had never shared with me their own stories.

z menoj še nikoli dotlej niso govorili o svojih zgodbah.

And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,

Spomnim se občutka, kako so zgodbe počasi kukale na plan

and I felt like I happened upon

in sem posmislila, da sem naletela na

this secret society of women that I now was a part of,

veliko skrivnost žensk, s katerimi sem zdaj tudi sama povezana,

which was reassuring and also really concerning.

kar je bilo hkrati olajšujoče in zaskrbljujoče.

And I think,

Menim,

miscarriage is an invisible loss.

da je splav skrita izguba.

There's not really a lot of community support around it.

V zvezi s tem podpore s strani družbe ni.

There's really no ceremony,

Posebni običaji za to ne obstajajo,

rituals, or rites.

prav tako ni ritualov.

And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,

Ko recimo nekdo umre, poznamo pogrebe, slavimo življenje,

and there's a lot of community support,

takrat je podpora skupnosti običajno velika,

and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.

kar pa za splav ne velja.

RG: Which is too bad because, of course,

To je žalostno, kajti

it's a very common and very traumatic experience.

splav je pogosta travmatična izkušnja.

Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,

Namreč, vsaka peta nosečnost se konča s splavom,

and I find this astounding.

kar je izjemen podatek.

In a survey, 74 percent of women said

Iz raziskave izhaja, da 74 % žensk meni,

that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.

da so za splav deloma krive tudi same, kar je grozljivo.

And astoundingly, 22 percent

Presenetljivo je, da jih 22 % pravi,

said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.

da bi splav pred soprogi skrile.

So taboo number four:

In tabu št. 4:

you can't say that your average happiness

ne reci, da je tvoje splošno zadovoljstvo

has declined since having a child.

zaradi otroka upadlo.

The party line is that every single aspect of my life

Najbolj zabavno pri tem je, da se je sleherni delček mojega življenja

has just gotten dramatically better

dramatično izboljšal

ever since I participated

odkar sem se udeležil

in the miracle that is childbirth and family.

čudeža, ki mu pravimo rojstvo otroka in družine.

I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,

Nikoli ne bom pozabil, živo se spomnim dneva,

our first son, Declan, was nine months old,

ko je bil Declan star devet mesecev,

and I was sitting there on the couch,

in sem mu na kavču

and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."

prebiral Gilbertovo čudovito knjigo z naslovom, 'Stumbling on Happiness.'

And I got about two-thirds of the way through,

Ko že prelistam dve tretjini knjige

and there was a chart on the right-hand side --

opazim graf na svoji desni,

on the right-hand page --

na desni strani knjige,

that we've labeled here

ki sva ga tu poimenovala

"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable

"Najbolj zastrašujoč graf, ki si ga lahko zamisli"

for a New Parent."

nov starš."

This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.

Graf je rezultat štirih povsem neodvisnih študij.

Basically, there's this precipitous drop

Na njem lahko vidimo strm padec

of marital satisfaction,

zakonskega zadovoljstva,

which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,

ki je močno povezan tudi s splošnim občutkom sreče,

that doesn't rise again

ta pa ostaja enak

until your first child goes to college.

vse do odhoda vašega prvega otroka na študij.

So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,

Torej lahko sedim in naslednji dve desetletji življenja opazujem

this chasm of happiness

ta prepad sreče

that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.

v katerega s svojim metaforičnim kabrioletom nezadržno drvimo.

We were despondent.

Bili smo povsem potrti.

AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,

Lahko si mislite, kako težki so bili za naju prvi meseci,

but we'd come out of it,

pa sva se iz tega izvlekla,

and were really shocked to see this study.

nato pa šok, ko sva videla študijo.

So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it

Zato sva si vse skupaj želela bolj poglobljeno pogledati

in hopes that we would find a silver lining.

in upala na neko rešitev.

RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,

V takih situacijah je dobro imeti spletno stran za starše,

because we got this incredible reporter

saj sva najela to izjemno novinarko,

to go and interview all the scientists

da se je podala v pogovore z znanstveniki,

who conducted these four studies.

ki so vodili te štiri študije.

We said, something is wrong here.

Rekla sva si, tu mora biti nekaj narobe.

There's something missing from these studies.

Nekaj v teh študijah manjka.

It can't possibly be that bad.

Saj ne more biti vse tako slabo.

So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,

Liz Mitchell je tako opravila izjemno delo,

and she interviewed four scientists,

intervjuvala je vse štiri znanstvenike,

and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,

med katerimi je bil tudi Daniel Gilbert,

and we did indeed find a silver lining.

in tako sva končno našla kanček upanja.

So this is our guess

Takole izgleda najina predpostavka

as to what this baseline of average happiness

o tem, kako v osnovi ta povprečna sreča

arguably looks like throughout life.

najverjetneje izgleda skozi življenje.

Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,

Povprečje sreče je seveda neustrezno,

because it doesn't speak

kajti ne ustreza

to the moment-by-moment experience,

izkušnji posameznega trenutka,

and so this is what we think it looks like

zato meniva, da v resnici izgleda takole,

when you layer in

ko notri vstavimo

moment-to-moment experience.

še izkušnje trenutkov.

And so we all remember as children,

Vsi se kot otroci spomnimo

the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --

drobnih stvari, ki jih vidimo tudi na obrazih naših otrok,

the teeniest little thing

že drobne stvari

can just rocket them to these heights

jih lahko izstrelijo v višave

of just utter adulation,

vse do popolnega navdušenja,

and then the next teeniest little thing

že naslednja drobcena stvar

can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.

pa jih lahko potisne na rob obupa.

And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.

Že samo opazovanje je izjemna izkušnja, pa tudi sama se tega dobro spomniva.

And then, of course, as you get older,

In seveda, medtem ko se staraš,

it's almost like age is a form of lithium.

je kakor da je starost narejena iz litija.

As you get older, you become more stable.

Starejši kot si, bolj si stabilen.

And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,

Mislim, da v dvajsetih in tridesetih letih

is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.

ljudje pričnemo svojo srečo omejevati.

You start to realize that

Pričnemo ugotavljati, recimo:

"Hey, I could go to this live music event

"Hej, saj bi lahko šel na koncert

and have an utterly transforming experience

in doživel izkušnjo preobrazbe

that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,

ter imel po celem telesu kurjo polt,

but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic

toda najverjetneje bi se počutil prostorsko utesnjeno,

and I won't be able to get a beer.

tako da niti po pivo ne bi mogel iti.

So I'm not going to go.

Zato raje ne bom šel.

I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."

Doma imam glasbeni stolp. Torej ne grem."

So your average happiness goes up,

Tako gre povprečna sreča sprva navzgor,

but you lose those transcendent moments.

vendar izgubiš dragocene trenutke.

AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,

Ja, nato dobiš prvega otroka,

and then you really resubmit yourself

se povsem podvržeš

to these highs and lows --

tem vzponom in padcem -

the highs being the first steps, the first smile,

vzponom, ki pomenijo prve korake, prvi nasmeh,

your child reading to you for the first time --

ko otrok prebere prve vrstice -

the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.

ter padce, recimo našo hišo kadarkoli med šesto in sedmo zvečer.

But you realize you resubmit yourself

Tu spoznaš, da se odpoveš

to losing control in a really wonderful way,

ohranjanju nadzor na krasen način,

which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives

ki v marsičem osmišlja naša življenja,

and is quite gratifying.

kar pa je zares razveseljivo.

RG: And so in effect,

Odtod v bistvu

we trade average happiness.

trgujemo s povprečno srečo.

We trade the sort of security and safety

Menjamo občutek varnosti

of a certain level of contentment

določene ravni razdovoljstva

for these transcendent moments.

za te neprecenljive trenutke.

So where does that leave the two of us

Torej kam naju to uvršča

as a family with our three little boys

kot družino s tremi otroki

in the thick of all this?

sredi vsega tega?

There's another factor in our case.

Obstaja še en dejavnik v najinem primeru.

We have violated yet another taboo

Namreč prekršila sva še en tabu

in our own lives,

v najinem življenju,

and this is a bonus taboo.

to bo tudi bonus tabu.

AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,

Še zadnji bonus tabu imava za vas, in sicer da ne bi smela skupaj delati,

especially with three children --

sploh pa ne s tremi otroki -

and we are.

toda ravno to počneva.

RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.

Sprva sva bila do tega resda nekoliko zadržana.

Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.

Vsi vedo, da ne smeš delati skupaj s partnerjem.

In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,

Pravzaprav, ko sva zbirala sredstva za pričetek Babbla,

the venture capitalists said,

so nama investitorji govorili,

"We categorically don't invest

"Kategorično ne vlagamo

in companies founded by husbands and wives,

v podjetja, ki so jih ustanovili možje in žene,

because there's an extra point of failure.

ker obstaja dodatna verjetnost za neuspeh.

It's a bad idea. Don't do it."

To je slaba ideja. Ne delajte tega".

And we obviously went forward. We did.

Midva sva očitno šla naprej.

We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,

Zbrala sva sredstva in bila sva zelo vznemirjena zaradi tega,

because in this phase of one's life,

saj v tem življenjskem obdobju

the incredibly scarce resource is time.

človeku najbolj primanjkuje ravno čas.

And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --

Če delaš s strastjo vsak dan - in midva delava -

and you're also passionate about your relationship,

in če si z enako strastjo tudi v partnerskem odnosu,

this is the only way we know how to do it.

je to za naju edini način kako to početi.

And so the final question that we would ask is:

Tako sva prišla do zadnjega vprašanja za vas:

can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?

ali lahko vsi skupaj, kolektivno, obrnemo ta trend sreče navzgor?

It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,

Super je, da imamo neprecenljive trenutke sreče,

but they're sometimes pretty quick.

vendar ti trenutki včasih res prehitro minejo.

And so how about that average baseline of happiness?

Kaj pa črta povprečnega občutka sreče?

Can we move that up a little bit?

Lahko to obrnemu navzgor, vsaj malo?

AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,

Midva čutiva, da je prepad sreče, o katerem sva govorila,

is really the result of walking into parenting --

v resnici posledica vstopa v starševstvo -

and really any long-term partnership for that matter --

in pa tudi vsako dolgoročno partnerstvo -

with the wrong expectations.

z napačnimi pričakovanji.

And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,

Če pa imaš realna pričakovanja, s katerimi znaš upravljati,

we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.

sva prepričana, da bo vse skupaj zelo prijetna izkušnja.

RG: And so this is what --

Torej, to je tisto, ko -

And we think that a lot of parents,

najbrž to velja za številne starše,

when you get in there -- in our case anyway --

ki se v tem znajdejo, vsaj v najinem primeru je tako -

you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.

pakiraš za pot v Evropo, in si vznemirjen, da greš.

Get out of the airplane,

Prideš z letala,

it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.

in vidiš, da v resnici planinariš po Nepalu.

And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,

In planinarjenje v Nepalu je izjemna izkušnja,

particularly if you pack your bags properly

še posebej, če si za to vzel pravo prtljago

and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.

in se zavedaš kaj te čaka, ker si psihično pripravljen.

So the point of all this for us today

Torej bistvo vsega tega

is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,

ni le iskrenost zaradi iskrenosti same,

but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,

pač pa je to upanje, da lahko z odkritostjo in srčnostjo, ko govorimo o teh izkušnjah,

that we can all collectively

vsi skupaj, kolektivno,

bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.

obrnemo ta trend sreče nekoliko navzgor.

RG + AV: Thank you.

Hvala lepa.

(Applause)

(aplavz)