Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

Prevoditelj: Tilen Pigac - EFZG Recezent: Mislav Ante Omazić - EFZG

Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --

Alisa Volkman: Dakle, ovdje počinje naša priča --

the dramatic moments of the birth

dramatični trenuci rođenja

of our first son, Declan.

našeg prvog sina, Declana.

Obviously a really profound moment,

Očito veoma dubok trenutak,

and it changed our lives in many ways.

i promijenio je naše živote na mnogo načina.

It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,

Ujedno je promijenio naše živote na mnogo neočekivanih načina,

and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,

i ti neočekivani načini o kojima smo kasnije promišljali,

that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,

su naposljetku izrodili poslovnu ideju nas dvoje,

and a year later, we launched Babble,

i godinu dana kasnije, lansirali smo Babble,

a website for parents.

web stranicu za roditelje.

Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story

Rufus Griscom: Sada, ja razmišljam o našoj priči

as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.

koja počinje nekoliko godina ranije. (AV: To je istina.)

RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.

RG: Možda se sjećaš, zaljubili smo se preko glave.

AV: We did.

AV: Jesmo.

RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.

RG: U to vrijeme smo vodili drugu vrstu web stranice.

It was a website called Nerve.com,

To je bila web stranica zvana Nerve.com,

the tagline of which was "literate smut."

koja je bila -- udarna linija je bila "pismena pornografija."

It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,

U teoriji je bila, a nadam se i u praksi,

a smart online magazine

pametan online magazin

about sex and culture.

o seksu i kulturi.

AV: That spawned a dating site.

AV: To je iznjedrilo stranicu za izlaske.

But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.

Ali možete shvatiti šale koje primamo. Seks stvara djecu.

You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,

Slijedite upute na Nerve-u i morali biste završiti na Babble-u,

which we did.

što i jesmo.

And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.

I mogli bismo lansirati gerijatrijsku stranicu kao našu treću. Vidjet ćemo.

RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble

RG: Ali za nas, kontinuiranost između Nerve-a i Babble-a

was not just the life stage thing,

nije bila samo stvar životne faze,

which is, of course, relevant,

što je, naravno, važno,

but it was really more about

već je bilo to više o

our desire to speak very honestly

našoj želji da pričamo vrlo iskreno

about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.

o predmetima o kojima je ljudima teško pričati na iskren način.

It seems to us that

Čini nam se da,

when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,

kada se ljudi počnu rascjepkavati, ljudi počnu lagati o stvarima,

that's when it gets really interesting.

i tada počinje biti zanimljivo,

That's a subject that we want to dive into.

to je predmet u koji mi želimo zaroniti.

And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,

I bili smo iznenađeni, kao mladi roditelji,

that there are almost more taboos around parenting

kako ima skoro više tabua o roditeljstvu

than there are around sex.

nego o seksu.

AV: It's true. So like we said,

AV: To je točno. Dakle, kao što smo rekli,

the early years were really wonderful,

rane godine su bile uistinu prekrasne,

but they were also really difficult.

ali su bile uistinu i teške.

And we feel like some of that difficulty

I čini nam se da je dio te težine

was because of this false advertisement around parenting.

bio zbog ove lažne reklame o roditeljstvu.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,

Pretplatili smo se na mnogo časopisa, napravili našu zadaću,

but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.

ali uistinu gdje god se okrenete, bili smo okruženi slikama poput ovih.

And we went into parenting

I krenuli smo u roditeljstvo

expecting our lives to look like this.

očekujući da će naši životi izgledati ovako.

The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.

Sunce je uvijek dopiralo unutra, i naša djeca nikada ne bi plakala.

I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,

Ja bih uvijek bila savršeno počešljana i odmorena.

and in fact, it was not like that at all.

A zapravo, uopće nije bilo tako.

RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine

RG: Kada smo spustili taj sjajeći časopis za roditelje

that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,

u koji smo gledali, sa svim tim prekrasnim slikama,

and looked at the scene in our actual living room,

i pogledali stanje u našoj pravoj dnevnoj sobi,

it looked a little bit more like this.

koje je izgledalo više nalik ovome.

These are our three sons.

Ovo su naša tri sina.

And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,

I naravno, ne plaču i vrište uvijek.

but with three boys, there's a decent probability

Ali s tri dečka, postoji izgledna vjerojatnost

that at least one of them will not be comporting himself

da se bar jedan od njih neće uklopiti

exactly as he should.

na način na koji bi se trebao.

AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.

AV: Da, možete vidjeti gdje je za nas dolazilo do prekida.

We really felt like what we went in expecting

Doista smo se osjećali kao da ono što smo očekivali

had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,

nije imalo nikakve veze s onim što smo zapravo proživljavali.

and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.

I tako smo odlučili da to želimo izravno prenijeti roditeljima.

We really wanted to let them understand

Doista smo željeli da razumiju

what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.

stvarnosti roditeljstva na iskren način.

RG: So today, what we would love to do

RG: Dakle, danas, ono što bismo mi voljeli učiniti

is share with you four parenting taboos.

jest podijeliti s vama četiri roditeljska tabua.

And of course, there are many more than four things

I naravno, postoji mnogo više od četiri stvari

you can't say about parenting,

koje ne možete reći o roditeljstvu.

but we would like to share with you today

Ali mi bismo željeli podijeliti s vama danas

four that are particularly relevant for us personally.

četiri koja su naročito važna za nas osobno.

So the first, taboo number one:

Dakle, prvi, tabu broj jedan:

you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby

ne možeš reći da se nisi zaljubio u svoje dijete

in the very first minute.

već prve minute.

I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.

Sjećam se jako dobro, sjedeći tamo u bolnici.

We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.

Bili smo u procesu rođenja našeg prvog djeteta.

AV: We, or I?

AV: Mi ili ja?

RG: I'm sorry.

RG: Oprosti.

Misuse of the pronoun.

Nepravilna uporaba zamjenice.

Alisa was very generously in the process

Alisa je veoma velikodušno bila u procesu

of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)

rođenja našeg prvog djeteta -- (AV: Hvala ti.)

-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.

-- a ja sam bio tamo s rukavicom hvatača.

And I was there with my arms open.

I bio sam tamo raširenih ruku.

The nurse was coming at me

Sestra mi je prilazila

with this beautiful, beautiful child,

s tim prekrasnim, prekrasnim djetetom.

and I remember, as she was approaching me,

I sjećam se, kako mi je prilazila,

the voices of friends saying,

glasova prijatelja koji govore,

"The moment they put the baby in your hands,

"U trenutku kada stave dijete u tvoje ruke,

you will feel a sense of love that will come over you

osjetit ćeš osjećaj ljubavi koji će proći kroz tebe

that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful

a koji ima jačinu veću

than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."

od bilo čega što si iskusio u svom čitavom životu."

So I was bracing myself for the moment.

Stoga sam se pripremao za taj trenutak.

The baby was coming,

Dijete je dolazilo,

and I was ready for this Mack truck of love

i bio sam spreman za taj kamion pun ljubavi

to just knock me off my feet.

da me obori s nogu.

And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,

I umjesto toga, kada je dijete stavljeno u moje naručje,

it was an extraordinary moment.

bio je to izvanredan trenutak.

This picture is from literally a few seconds after

Ovo je slika od doslovno nekoliko sekundi nakon

the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.

što je dijete položeno u moje ruke i donio sam ga ovdje.

And you can see, our eyes were glistening.

I kao što možete vidjeti, naše oči su sjale.

I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,

Bio sam obasut ljubavlju i privrženošću prema svojoj ženi,

with deep, deep gratitude

s dubokom, dubokom zahvalnošću

that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.

što imamo, na prvi pogled, zdravo dijete.

And it was also, of course, surreal.

I bilo je ujedno, naravno, nestvarno.

I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.

Mislim, morao sam provjeriti etikete i uvjeriti se.

I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"

Bio sam nepovjerljiv, "Jesi li sigurna da je ovo naše dijete?"

And this was all quite remarkable.

I to je sve bilo nevjerojatno.

But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,

Ali ono što sam osjećao prema djetetu u tom trenutku je bila duboka privrženost,

but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.

ali ništa poput onoga što sada osjećam prema njemu, pet godina kasnije.

And so we've done something here

I tako smo napravili nešto ovdje

that is heretical.

što je hereza.

We have charted

Planirali smo

our love for our child over time.

našu ljubav za naše dijete kroz vrijeme.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

This, as you know, is an act of heresy.

To, kao što znate, je čin krivovjerja.

You're not allowed to chart love.

Nije vam dopušteno planirati ljubav.

The reason you're not allowed to chart love

Razlog zbog kojeg nam nije dozvoljeno planirati ljubav

is because we think of love as a binary thing.

jest jer mislimo o ljubavi kao o binarnoj stvari.

You're either in love, or you're not in love.

Ili ste zaljubljeni, ili niste zaljubljeni.

You love, or you don't love.

Volite, ili ne volite.

And I think the reality is that love is a process,

A mislim kako je u stvarnosti ljubav proces.

and I think the problem with thinking of love

I mislim kako je problem s razmišljanjem o ljubavi

as something that's binary

kao nešto što je binarno

is that it causes us

jest da nam uzrokuje

to be unduly concerned

da budemo neopravdano zabrinuti

that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.

kako je ljubav lažljiva, ili neprikladna, ili što god želite.

And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.

I mislim kako je očito da pričam ovdje o iskustvu oca.

But I think a lot of men do go through this sense

Ali mislim kako mnogo ljudi prolazi kroz taj osjećaj

in the early months, maybe their first year,

u ranim mjesecima, možda u njihovoj prvoj godini,

that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.

kako njihov emocionalni odgovor nije prikladan.

AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,

AV: Pa, drago mi je da Rufus to spominje,

because you can notice where he dips in the first years

jer možete primjetiti kako se spušta u prvim godinama

where I think I was doing most of the work.

gdje mislim kako sam ja radila većinu posla.

But we like to joke,

Ali mi se volimo šaliti,

in the first few months of all of our children's lives,

u prvim mjesecima života sve naše djece,

this is Uncle Rufus.

ovo je Ujak Rufus.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.

RG: Ja sam veoma privržen ujak, veoma privržen ujak.

AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home

AV: Da, i često se šalim s Rufusom kada dođe doma

that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up

kako nisam sigurna da bi bio sposoban pronaći naše dijete u liniji

amongst other babies.

među drugom djecom.

So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.

Stoga sam zapravo ubacila brzi kviz ovdje za Rufusa.

RG: Uh oh.

RG: Uh oh.

AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.

AV: Ne želim ga previše osramotiti ovdje. Ali dat ću mu tri sekunde.

RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?

RG: To nije pošteno. To je trik pitanje. On nije ovdje gore, je li?

AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,

AV: Naš osmotjedni sin je negdje ovdje.

and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.

I želim vidjeti može li ga Rufus zapravo brzo prepoznati.

RG: The far left. AV: No!

RG: Onaj krajnje lijevo. (AV: Ne!)

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

RG: Cruel.

RG: Okrutno.

AV: Nothing more to be said.

AV: Ništa više ne treba reći.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I'll move on to taboo number two.

Prijeći ću na tabu broj dva.

You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.

Ne možete pričato o tome kako usamljeno može biti imati dijete.

I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.

Uživala sam u trudnoći; voljela sam je.

I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.

Osjećala sam se nevjerojatno povezano sa zajednicom oko mene.

I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,

Osjećala sam se kao da su svi sudjelovali u mojoj trudnoći, svuda oko mene,

tracking it down till the actual due-date.

prateći me sve do datuma kada sam trebala roditi.

I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.

Osjećala sam se poput žile za budućnost čovječanstva.

That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.

To se nastavilo i u bolnici; bilo je uistinu stimulirajuće.

I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.

Bila sam obasuta poklonima, cvjećem i posjetiteljima.

It was a really wonderful experience,

Bilo je to doista prekrasno iskustvo.

but when I got home,

Ali kada sam se vratila kući,

I suddenly felt very disconnected

iznenada sam se osjetila veoma nepovezano

and suddenly shut in and shut out,

i iznenada zatvoreno i željna vrištanja.

and I was really surprised by those feelings.

I bila sam uistinu iznenađena tim osjećajima.

I did expect it to be difficult,

Očekivala sam da će biti teško,

have sleepless nights, constant feedings,

da će biti neprospavanih noći, neprekidnog hranjenja,

but I did not expect the feelings

ali nisam očekivala osjećaje

of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,

izolacije i usamljenosti koje sam iskusila.

and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,

I bila sam doista iznenađena kako nitko nije pričao samnom,

that I was going to be feeling this way.

kako ću se osjećati tako.

And I called my sister

I nazvala sam svoju sestru

whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --

s kojom sam vrlo bliska -- i koja ima troje djece --

and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me

i pitala sam je, "Zašto mi nisi rekla

I was going to be feeling this way,

da ću se osjećati ovako,

that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"

da ću imati te -- osjećaje nevjerojatne izoliranosti?"

And she said -- I'll never forget --

A ona je rekla -- nikad neću zaboraviti --

"It's just not something you want to say to a mother

"To jednostavno nije nešto što želiš reći majci

that's having a baby for the first time."

koja ima dijete po prvi put."

RG: And of course, we think

RG: I naravno, mi mislimo

it's precisely what you really should be saying

da je upravo to ono što biste trebali govoriti

to mothers who have kids for the first time.

majkama koje imaju djecu po prvi puta.

And that this, of course, one of the themes for us

I da to, naravno, jedna od tema za nas

is that we think

jest da mislimo

that candor and brutal honesty

da otvorenost i brutalna iskrenost

is critical to us collectively

je kolektivno kritična za nas

being great parents.

da budemo odlični roditelji.

And it's hard not to think

I teško je ne misliti

that part of what leads to this sense of isolation

da dio toga što vodi tom osjećaju izoliranosti

is our modern world.

jest naš moderni svijet.

So Alisa's experience is not isolated.

Dakle, Alisino iskustvo nije izolirano.

So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed

Dakle, vaših 58 posto majki nad kojima je provedeno istraživanje

report feelings of loneliness.

prijavljuje osjećaje samoće.

Of those, 67 percent are most lonely

Od njih, 67 posto je uglavnom usamljeno

when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.

kada su njihova djeca stara od nula do pet -- vjerojatno nula do dvije godine.

In the process of preparing this,

U procesu pripreme za to,

we looked at how some other cultures around the world

gledali smo kako se neke druge kulture po svijetu

deal with this period of time,

nose s tim vremenskim periodom,

because here in the Western world,

jer ovdje u zapadnom svijetu,

less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,

manje od 50 posto nas živi blizu naših članova obitelji,

which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.

zbog čega je, po mom mišljenju, ovo tako težak period.

So to take one example among many:

Dakle, da uzmemo jedan primjer između mnogih:

in Southern India

u južnoj Indiji

there's a practice known as jholabhari,

postoji običaj zvan jholabihari,

in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,

u kojem se trudnice, u svom sedmom ili osmom mjesecu trudnoće,

moves in with her mother

presele kod svoje majke

and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,

i prolaze kroz nizove rituala i ceremonija,

give birth and returns home to her nuclear family

rađaju i vraćaju se kući, svojoj nuklearnoj obitelji

several months after the child is born.

nekoliko mjeseci nakon što je dijete rođeno.

And this is one of many ways

A to je jedan od mnogo načina

that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.

na koji, mi mislimo, druge kulture zasjenjuju tu vrstu perioda usamljenosti.

AV: So taboo number three:

AV: Dakle, tabu broj tri:

you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.

ne možete pričati o svom pobačaju -- ali danas ću pričati o svom.

So after we had Declan,

Dakle, nakon što smo imali Declana,

we kind of recalibrated our expectations.

na neki smo način rekalibrirali naša očekivanja.

We thought we actually could go through this again

Mislimo smo zapravo da možemo proći kroz to ponovno

and thought we knew what we would be up against.

i mislili smo kako znamo s čim ćemo se nositi.

And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,

I bili smo zahvalni što sam ja ponovno zatrudnjela.

and I soon learned that we were having a boy,

I ubrzo sam saznala kako ćemo dobiti dječaka.

and then when I was five months,

I zatim kada sam bila trudna pet mjeseci,

we learned that we had lost our child.

saznali smo kako smo izgubili naše dijete.

This is actually the last little image we have of him.

Ovo je zapravo posljednja slika njega koju imamo.

And it was obviously a very difficult time --

I to je bilo očito jako teško vrijeme --

really painful.

doista bolno.

As I was working through that mourning process,

Kako sam prolazila kroz taj proces žalovanja,

I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.

bila sam očarana kako nisam htjela nikoga vidjeti.

I really wanted to crawl into a hole,

Doista sam se htjela sakriti u rupu.

and I didn't really know how I was going

A doista sam znala kako ću se

to work my way back into my surrounding community.

ponovno uklopiti u zajednicu koja me okružuje.

And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,

I shvaćam, mislim, način na koji sam se osjećala,

is on a really deep gut level,

je doista na razini instinkta,

I was feeling a lot of shame

osjećala sam mnogo srama --

and embarrassed, frankly,

posramljena, iskreno --

that, in some respects, I had failed

da, sam u nekim pogledima, doživjela neuspjeh

at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.

proizvesti ono za što sam genetski predispozirana proizvesti.

And of course, it made me question,

I naravno, to me navelo da se zapitam,

if I wasn't able to have another child,

ukoliko neću biti sposobna imati još jedno dijete,

what would that mean for my marriage,

što će to značiti za moj brak,

and just me as a woman.

i samo za mene kao ženu.

So it was a very difficult time.

Dakle, to je bilo veoma teško vrijeme.

As I started working through it more,

Kako sam počela raditi više kroz to,

I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.

počela sam puzati van iz te rupe i pričati s drugim ljudima.

I was really amazed

Bila sam doista očarana

by all the stories that started flooding in.

svim pričama koje su počele pritjecati.

People I interacted with daily,

Ljudi s kojima sam dnevno komunicirala,

worked with, was friends with,

s kojima sam radila, kojima sam bila prijatelj,

family members that I had known a long time,

članovi obitelji koje sam poznavala dugo vremena,

had never shared with me their own stories.

nikad nisu samnom podijelili svoje vlastite priče.

And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,

I sjećam se kako su sve te priče potekle iz drvenarije.

and I felt like I happened upon

i osjećala sam se kao da sam naišla na

this secret society of women that I now was a part of,

to tajno društvo žena čiji sam dio sada bila,

which was reassuring and also really concerning.

što je bilo uvjeravajuće ali ujedno i zaista zabrinjavajuće.

And I think,

I mislim,

miscarriage is an invisible loss.

pobačaj je nevidljiv gubitak.

There's not really a lot of community support around it.

Ne postoji mnogo podrške zajednice oko toga.

There's really no ceremony,

Nema zapravo svečanosti,

rituals, or rites.

rituala ili obreda.

And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,

I mislim, sa smrću, imate pogreb, slavite život,

and there's a lot of community support,

i postoji mnogo podrške zajednice.

and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.

I to je nešto što žene ne dobivaju s pobačajem.

RG: Which is too bad because, of course,

RG: Što je jako loše jer, naravno,

it's a very common and very traumatic experience.

to je jako često i jako traumatično iskustvo.

Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,

15 do 20 posto svih trudnoća rezultira pobačajem.

and I find this astounding.

I to mi se doima zapanjujućim.

In a survey, 74 percent of women said

U istraživanju, 74 posto žena je reklo

that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.

kako je pobačaj, prema njihovim osjećajima, dio njihove krivice, što je užasno.

And astoundingly, 22 percent

I zapanjujuće, 22 posto

said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.

je reklo kako bi sakrilo pobačaj od svog supružnika.

So taboo number four:

Dakle, tabu broj četiri:

you can't say that your average happiness

ne možete reći kako se vaša prosječna sreća

has declined since having a child.

smanjila otkad ste dobili dijete.

The party line is that every single aspect of my life

Poanta je da je svaki pojedini aspekt mog života

has just gotten dramatically better

postao drastično bolji

ever since I participated

otkad sam sudjelovao

in the miracle that is childbirth and family.

u čudu koje je rođenje djeteta i obitelji.

I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,

Nikada neću zaboraviti, sjećam se vrlo dobro sve do danas,

our first son, Declan, was nine months old,

naš prvi sin, Declan, je bio star devet mjeseci,

and I was sitting there on the couch,

i sjedio sam tamo na kauču,

and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."

i čitao sam prekrasnu knjigu Daniela Gilberta, "Spoticanje na sreću."

And I got about two-thirds of the way through,

I prošao sam dvije trećine knjige,

and there was a chart on the right-hand side --

i s desne strane je bio grafikon --

on the right-hand page --

s desne strane --

that we've labeled here

koji smo označili ovdje

"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable

"Najstrašniji zamislivi grafikon

for a New Parent."

za novog roditelja."

This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.

Ovaj grafikon sadrži četiri potpuno neovisna istraživanja.

Basically, there's this precipitous drop

U osnovi, tu je taj strmoglavi pad

of marital satisfaction,

bračnog zadovoljstva,

which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,

koji je usko povezan, svi znamo, sa širom srećom,

that doesn't rise again

koji ne raste ponovno

until your first child goes to college.

sve dok vaše prvo dijete ne ode na studij.

So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,

Dakle, tako ja sjedim ovdje i promatram iduća dva desetljeća svog života,

this chasm of happiness

taj ponor sreće

that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.

u koji ravno vozimo s našim metaforičkim kabrioletom.

We were despondent.

Bili smo utučeni.

AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,

AV: Dakle, možete zamisliti, mislim ponovno, prvih nekoliko mjeseci je bilo teško,

but we'd come out of it,

ali izvukli bi se iz toga,

and were really shocked to see this study.

i doista smo bili šokirani kada smo vidjeli to istraživanje.

So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it

Stoga smo doista htjeli podrobnije to pogledati

in hopes that we would find a silver lining.

u nadi da ćemo pronaći srebrnu podstavu.

RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,

RG: I tada je super kada vodite web stranicu za roditelje,

because we got this incredible reporter

jer smo dobili tu nevjerojatnu reporterku

to go and interview all the scientists

koja je otišla i intervjuirala sve znanstvenike

who conducted these four studies.

koji su proveli ta četiri istraživanja.

We said, something is wrong here.

Rekli smo, nešto ovdje nije u redu.

There's something missing from these studies.

Nešto nedostaje iz tih istraživanja.

It can't possibly be that bad.

Nije moguće da je tako loše.

So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,

Dakle, Liz Mitchell je napravila prekrasan posao s tim radom.

and she interviewed four scientists,

I intervjuirala je četiri znanstvenika,

and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,

i ujedno je intervjuirala je Daniela Gilberta.

and we did indeed find a silver lining.

I doista smo pronašli srebrnu podstavu.

So this is our guess

Dakle, ovo je naša pretpostavka

as to what this baseline of average happiness

kako osnova te prosječne sreće

arguably looks like throughout life.

vjerojatno izgleda kroz život.

Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,

Prosječna sreća je, naravno, neprikladna,

because it doesn't speak

jer ne govori

to the moment-by-moment experience,

o iskustvu trenutka.

and so this is what we think it looks like

I mislimo da izgleda ovako

when you layer in

kada stavite sloj

moment-to-moment experience.

iskustva pojedinog trenutka.

And so we all remember as children,

I svi se sjećamo kao djeca,

the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --

najmanjih malih stvari -- i vidimo ih na licima naše djece --

the teeniest little thing

najmanja mala stvar

can just rocket them to these heights

ih može lansirati u te visine

of just utter adulation,

jednostavnog laskanja,

and then the next teeniest little thing

a zatim ih iduća najmanja mala stvar

can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.

može odvesti u dubine očaja.

And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.

I to je jednostavno nevjerojatno promatrati, i sjećamo ih se i sami.

And then, of course, as you get older,

I zatim, naravno, kako starite,

it's almost like age is a form of lithium.

čini se kao da je dob jedna vrsta litija.

As you get older, you become more stable.

Kako postajete stariji, tako postajete stabilniji.

And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,

I dio toga što se događa, mislim, u vašim 20-im i 30-im,

is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.

jest da počnete ograđivati vašu sreću.

You start to realize that

Počinjete shvaćati da

"Hey, I could go to this live music event

"Hej, mogao bih ići na taj koncert

and have an utterly transforming experience

i imati potpuno transformirajuće iskustvo

that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,

od kojeg će se cijelo moje tijelo naježiti,

but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic

ali više je izgledno da ću se osjećati klaustrofobično

and I won't be able to get a beer.

i neću moći dobiti pivu.

So I'm not going to go.

Stoga neću ići.

I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."

Imam dobar stereo kod kuće. Stoga, neću ići."

So your average happiness goes up,

Dakle, vaša prosječna sreća raste,

but you lose those transcendent moments.

ali izgubite te uzvišene trenutke.

AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,

AV: Da, i zatim dobijete svoje prvo dijete.

and then you really resubmit yourself

I zatim ponovno predajete sebe

to these highs and lows --

tim usponima i padovima --

the highs being the first steps, the first smile,

usponi koji su prvi koraci, prvi osmijeh,

your child reading to you for the first time --

kada vaše dijete čita po prvi puta --

the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.

padovi su naša kuća bilo kada između šest i sedam svake večeri.

But you realize you resubmit yourself

Ali shvatite da predajete sebe

to losing control in a really wonderful way,

gubitku kontrole na uistinu prekrasan način,

which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives

koji, mi mislimo, pruža mnogo smisla našim životima

and is quite gratifying.

i prilično je zahvalan.

RG: And so in effect,

RG: I tako kao posljedicu,

we trade average happiness.

mi trgujemo prosječnom srećom.

We trade the sort of security and safety

Trgujemo tom vrstom sigurnosti

of a certain level of contentment

određene razine zadovoljstva

for these transcendent moments.

za te uzvišene trenutke.

So where does that leave the two of us

Dakle, gdje to ostavlja nas dvoje

as a family with our three little boys

u obitelji s tri mala dječaka

in the thick of all this?

u svemu ovome?

There's another factor in our case.

Postoji još jedan čimbenik u našem slučaju.

We have violated yet another taboo

Prekršili smo još jedan tabu

in our own lives,

u našim životima.

and this is a bonus taboo.

A to je bonus tabu.

AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,

AV: Brzi bonus tabu za vas, kako ne bismo smjeli raditi zajedno,

especially with three children --

naročito s troje djece --

and we are.

a mi radimo.

RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.

RG: I bili smo ispočetka malo suzdržani oko toga.

Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.

Svi znaju, apsolutno ne bi smio raditi sa svojim suprožnikom.

In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,

Zapravo, kada smo prvi put otišli prikupljat novac kako bi započeli Babble,

the venture capitalists said,

ulagači su rekli,

"We categorically don't invest

"Mi kategorično ne ulažemo

in companies founded by husbands and wives,

u kompanije koje su osnovane od muževa i žena,

because there's an extra point of failure.

jer postoji dodatni preduvjet neuspjeha.

It's a bad idea. Don't do it."

To je loša ideja. Nemojte to činiti."

And we obviously went forward. We did.

I mi smo očito krenuli s tim. Jesmo.

We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,

Prikupili smo novac, i uzbuđeni smo što jesmo,

because in this phase of one's life,

jer u toj fazi života,

the incredibly scarce resource is time.

nevjerojatno oskudan resurs je vrijeme.

And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --

A ako ste doista strastveni oko toga što radite svaki dan -- što mi jesmo --

and you're also passionate about your relationship,

i ujedno ste strastveni o svojoj vezi,

this is the only way we know how to do it.

to je jedini način na koji znamo raditi.

And so the final question that we would ask is:

I stoga je posljednje pitanje koje bismo postavili:

can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?

možemo li zajedno iskriviti taj grafikon sreće prema gore?

It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,

Odlično je to što imamo te uzvišene trenutke veselja,

but they're sometimes pretty quick.

ali oni su nekad prilično brzi.

And so how about that average baseline of happiness?

A što je s tom prosječnom osnovom sreće?

Can we move that up a little bit?

Možemo li to malo pomaknuti gore?

AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,

AV: I pomalo osjećamo da taj jaz sreće, o kojem smo pričali,

is really the result of walking into parenting --

je zapravo rezultat ulaska u roditeljstvo --

and really any long-term partnership for that matter --

i zapravo svako dugoročno partnerstvo za tu svrhu --

with the wrong expectations.

s krivim očekivanjima.

And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,

A ako imate prava očekivanja i upravljanje očekivanjima,

we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.

osjećamo kako će to biti prilično zahvalno iskustvo.

RG: And so this is what --

RG: I dakle, to je ono što --

And we think that a lot of parents,

I mislimo kako mnogi roditelji,

when you get in there -- in our case anyway --

kada uđete u to -- bar u našem slučaju --

you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.

spakirate svoje torbe za put u Europu, i doista ste uzbuđeni što idete.

Get out of the airplane,

Izađete iz aviona,

it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.

ispostavi se da planinarite u Nepalu.

And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,

A planinarenje u Nepalu je nevjerojatno iskustvo,

particularly if you pack your bags properly

naročito ako spakirate svoje torbe prikladno

and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.

i znate što vas čeka i psihički ste spremni.

So the point of all this for us today

Poanta svega toga za nas danas

is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,

nije samo iskrenost radi iskrenosti,

but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,

već nada da ako budemo iskreniji i otvoreniji o tim iskustvima,

that we can all collectively

tada svi zajedno možemo

bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.

pomaknuti tu osnovu sreće malo prema gore.

RG + AV: Thank you.

RG + AV: Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)