Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

157,812 views ・ 2010-12-16

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翻译人员: Jenny Yang 校对人员: Angelia King
00:18
Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --
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阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman: 我们的故事是从这里开始的
00:21
the dramatic moments of the birth
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富有戏剧性的一刻
00:23
of our first son, Declan.
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我们的儿子德克兰Declan出生了。
00:25
Obviously a really profound moment,
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显然这的确是一个非常重要的时刻,
00:27
and it changed our lives in many ways.
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它从各个方面改变了我们的生活。
00:29
It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,
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它对我们的生活产生了很多没有预料到的改变,
00:31
and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,
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这些改变后来影响着我们,
00:34
that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,
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最终导致我们两个产生了一个新的商务想法,
00:36
and a year later, we launched Babble,
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一年以后, 我们启动了Babble
00:38
a website for parents.
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一个给家长的网页。
00:40
Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story
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鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom; 现在我想想, 我们的故事
00:42
as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.
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其实是几年前就开始了。 ( AV:那是真的。)
00:45
RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.
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RG:你也许记得, 我们那时彻头彻尾地相爱。
00:48
AV: We did.
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AV:是的。
00:50
RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.
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RG:那个时候我们在运作一个非常不同的网页。
00:52
It was a website called Nerve.com,
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它叫做:Nerve.com
00:54
the tagline of which was "literate smut."
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它的标题是有关“色情文学”。
00:57
It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,
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我们希望它在理论上, 或者实践上也是,
01:00
a smart online magazine
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一个睿智地讲述
01:02
about sex and culture.
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性和文化的时髦网络杂志。
01:05
AV: That spawned a dating site.
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AV:这个杂志催生出了一个约会网。
01:08
But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.
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但是你们可能理解我们的玩笑了:性招致婴儿的到来。
01:10
You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,
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你按Nerve上的说明行事,结果就是得到个小孩,
01:13
which we did.
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这就发生在我们身上。
01:15
And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.
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我们还很可能建立一个老年网,等着瞧吧。
01:19
RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble
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RG: 但是对我们来说, Nerve和 Babble之间的传承
01:22
was not just the life stage thing,
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不只是生活中的不同阶段,
01:24
which is, of course, relevant,
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当然,它们是相关的,
01:26
but it was really more about
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但事实上它们更多地意味着
01:28
our desire to speak very honestly
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我们渴望诚实地讲述
01:30
about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.
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很多在人们看来非常困难诚实表述的话题。
01:33
It seems to us that
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我们觉得
01:35
when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,
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当人们掩饰的时候, 人们开始撒谎,
01:38
that's when it gets really interesting.
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这个现象很有意思,
01:40
That's a subject that we want to dive into.
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这是我们想要深入的话题。
01:42
And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,
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而我们吃惊地发现, 作为年轻的父母,
01:44
that there are almost more taboos around parenting
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为人父母的禁忌
01:47
than there are around sex.
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居然比性的禁忌还多。
01:49
AV: It's true. So like we said,
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AV:真的, 如我们所说,
01:51
the early years were really wonderful,
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最初的几年真的是很美好,
01:53
but they were also really difficult.
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但有时也很困难。
01:55
And we feel like some of that difficulty
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而我们觉得某些困难
01:57
was because of this false advertisement around parenting.
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是因为那些围绕着为人父母的错误广告造成的。
02:00
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
02:02
We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,
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我们订了很多杂志, 做了我们的功课,
02:05
but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.
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但是我们看到的每个地方, 我们都被这样的图片包围着。
02:08
And we went into parenting
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我们就是这样进入家长期的
02:10
expecting our lives to look like this.
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并期望我们的生活也看着跟这些照片似的。
02:12
The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.
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阳光永远照耀, 我们的孩子从来不哭闹。
02:15
I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,
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我常常做好的发型几近完美,并总能得到充分的休息。
02:19
and in fact, it was not like that at all.
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但事实上, 我压根儿不是那样的。
02:21
RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine
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RG:当我们放下这些光鲜的家长杂志
02:24
that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,
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放下那些美丽的图片,
02:26
and looked at the scene in our actual living room,
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看着我们客厅里的实际景象,
02:28
it looked a little bit more like this.
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这才是实际情况。
02:30
These are our three sons.
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这是我们的三个儿子。
02:32
And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,
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当然,他们并不总是哭闹叫喊。
02:34
but with three boys, there's a decent probability
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但是, 三个男孩,很可能的情况是
02:36
that at least one of them will not be comporting himself
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至少其中一个表现不好
02:38
exactly as he should.
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正如他本该表现的那样。
02:40
AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.
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AV:是的, 你可以看到, 发生在我们身上的截然不同的育儿经历。
02:43
We really felt like what we went in expecting
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我们真的感到我们期望的
02:46
had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,
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和我们实际体验的没有任何关系。
02:49
and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.
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所以我们决定要给准备为人父母的人们更直接的认识。
02:52
We really wanted to let them understand
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我们真的希望用诚实的方式让他们懂得
02:55
what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.
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为人父母的现实状况。
02:58
RG: So today, what we would love to do
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RG:所以今天, 我们喜欢做的事情
03:00
is share with you four parenting taboos.
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就是跟你们分享做父母的四个禁忌。
03:03
And of course, there are many more than four things
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当然, 做父母的禁忌远远
03:05
you can't say about parenting,
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不止四个。
03:07
but we would like to share with you today
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但我们今天跟你分享四个
03:09
four that are particularly relevant for us personally.
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和我们个人有关的四个禁忌。
03:12
So the first, taboo number one:
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第一个禁忌:
03:15
you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby
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你不能说你没有在你孩子出生的第一
03:18
in the very first minute.
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分钟就爱上了你的孩子。
03:20
I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.
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我清楚地记得, 坐在医院那儿。
03:23
We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.
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我们经历着我们第一个孩子分娩的过程。
03:26
AV: We, or I?
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AV:我们, 还是我?
03:28
RG: I'm sorry.
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RG:对不起
03:30
Misuse of the pronoun.
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我用错了代词。
03:32
Alisa was very generously in the process
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阿里萨Alisa 非常慷慨地经历着我们第一个
03:34
of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)
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孩子的分娩过程--( AV:谢谢。)
03:36
-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.
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我在那里戴着接生手套,
03:38
And I was there with my arms open.
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张口双臂。
03:40
The nurse was coming at me
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护士朝我走来
03:42
with this beautiful, beautiful child,
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手里抱着一个非常漂亮的孩子。
03:44
and I remember, as she was approaching me,
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我记得当她朝我走来时,
03:46
the voices of friends saying,
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一个朋友的声音告诉我说:
03:49
"The moment they put the baby in your hands,
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“当你抱着新生儿的那一刻,
03:51
you will feel a sense of love that will come over you
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你会感到爱环绕着你,
03:54
that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful
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这种力量是你今生今世
03:56
than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."
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从来没有经历过的。”
03:59
So I was bracing myself for the moment.
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所以我张口双臂等待拥抱的这一刻。
04:01
The baby was coming,
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孩子出生了,
04:03
and I was ready for this Mack truck of love
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而我也准备好了让这强大的爱
04:05
to just knock me off my feet.
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将我全全包围。
04:08
And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,
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然而相反, 当护士将孩子送到我手里的时候,
04:11
it was an extraordinary moment.
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那是特殊的一刻。
04:13
This picture is from literally a few seconds after
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在孩子出生后几秒钟拍的这张照片里,
04:16
the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.
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他们把孩子放到我的手里, 我把他抱过来。
04:19
And you can see, our eyes were glistening.
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你们可以看见, 我们的眼睛闪烁着光芒。
04:21
I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,
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我的心中充满了对我的妻子的爱,
04:24
with deep, deep gratitude
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和深深的感谢,
04:26
that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.
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感谢我们得到了一个健康的孩子。
04:28
And it was also, of course, surreal.
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这一切仿佛还不真切。
04:30
I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.
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我是说, 我得查看孩子的标签来确定。
04:32
I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"
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我怀疑说:“你确定这是我们的孩子吗?”
04:34
And this was all quite remarkable.
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那是非常不寻常的一刻。
04:37
But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,
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但是那一刻我对孩子的感情是深深的爱,
04:40
but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.
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但是那种感受和五年后也就是我现在
04:43
And so we've done something here
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对他的感受不可相提并论,
04:45
that is heretical.
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我们做了件很邪乎的事情。
04:47
We have charted
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我们用图表
04:50
our love for our child over time.
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记录了我们对孩子的爱。
04:53
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
04:55
This, as you know, is an act of heresy.
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你知道, 这个行为挺邪乎的。
04:58
You're not allowed to chart love.
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用图表来记录爱是不可思议的事情。
05:00
The reason you're not allowed to chart love
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而大家不记录爱的原因
05:02
is because we think of love as a binary thing.
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是因为我们认为爱是二进制的东西。
05:04
You're either in love, or you're not in love.
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你要么爱,要么不爱。
05:06
You love, or you don't love.
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你爱, 还是不爱。
05:08
And I think the reality is that love is a process,
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而我认为其实爱是一个过程。
05:11
and I think the problem with thinking of love
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我觉得把爱看成是二进制
05:13
as something that's binary
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是有问题的,
05:15
is that it causes us
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它会促使我们
05:17
to be unduly concerned
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过分担心
05:19
that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.
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爱是虚伪的,不充分的, 或者你到底爱了什么。
05:22
And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.
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我想我现在是代表父亲的经验在说话。
05:25
But I think a lot of men do go through this sense
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但是我想很多男人都经历过这种感觉
05:27
in the early months, maybe their first year,
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在最初的几个月里, 或者第一年
05:30
that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.
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他们的感情反应从某种形式上来看是不够的。
05:33
AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,
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AV: 我很高兴鲁弗斯Rufus提到这一点,
05:35
because you can notice where he dips in the first years
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因为你们可以看见他对孩子的爱在第一年是下降的
05:38
where I think I was doing most of the work.
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那会儿我觉得几乎所有的活都是我干的。
05:41
But we like to joke,
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但是我们喜欢开玩笑,
05:43
in the first few months of all of our children's lives,
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在我们几个孩子最初的几个月里,
05:45
this is Uncle Rufus.
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我们叫他:鲁弗斯Rufus叔叔。
05:47
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
05:49
RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.
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RG:我是个很亲昵的叔叔, 非常深情。
05:51
AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home
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AV:是的, 我常常和他开玩笑说
05:54
that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up
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如果我把咱们的孩子和其他孩子排成一排
05:57
amongst other babies.
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他是否能把他认出来。
05:59
So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.
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所以我这里给鲁弗斯Rufus出一个突击测验。
06:01
RG: Uh oh.
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RG:啊噢
06:03
AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.
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AV:我不想让他感到太尴尬, 但是我会问他三秒钟。
06:06
RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?
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RG:这不公平, 这问题有鬼, 他不在里面,是吗?
06:09
AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,
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AV:我们八个礼拜的儿子在这里面。
06:12
and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.
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我想看看鲁弗斯Rfufus 是不是能很快地找到他。
06:14
RG: The far left. AV: No!
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RG:最左面那个 (AV:不是!)
06:16
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
06:23
RG: Cruel.
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RG:残忍啊!
06:25
AV: Nothing more to be said.
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AV: 我没什么可说的了。
06:27
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
06:29
I'll move on to taboo number two.
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我来说说第二个禁忌。
06:31
You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.
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你不能说有个孩子可能会让你感到孤独。
06:34
I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.
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我喜欢怀孕, 我热爱怀孕。
06:36
I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.
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我感到和我周围的社区紧密相连。
06:39
I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,
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我感到好像每个人都参与了我的怀孕过程,
06:42
tracking it down till the actual due-date.
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直到生产的最后一天他们一直在为我算着日子。
06:46
I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.
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我觉得我就是一个承载未来人类的容器。
06:49
That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.
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这种感觉一直带到医院, 真是挺来劲的。
06:52
I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.
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大家来看我,送礼物,鲜花。
06:55
It was a really wonderful experience,
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那可真是非常美好的经验。
06:58
but when I got home,
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但是当我回到家后,
07:00
I suddenly felt very disconnected
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我突然感到非常隔绝
07:02
and suddenly shut in and shut out,
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突然被关闭起来了。
07:05
and I was really surprised by those feelings.
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我对这种感觉感到奇怪。
07:07
I did expect it to be difficult,
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我也预料会比较困难,
07:09
have sleepless nights, constant feedings,
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会有不眠之夜,不断地哺乳,
07:11
but I did not expect the feelings
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但是我没想到我会
07:13
of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,
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感到隔绝和孤独。
07:16
and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,
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而我也很奇怪没有人告诉我,
07:18
that I was going to be feeling this way.
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我会有这样的感觉。
07:20
And I called my sister
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我打电话给我姐姐
07:22
whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --
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她跟我很亲近, 已经有了三个孩子,
07:25
and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me
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我问她:“你怎么不告诉我会
07:27
I was going to be feeling this way,
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有这种感觉,
07:29
that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"
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我会有这种非常隔绝的感觉?”
07:33
And she said -- I'll never forget --
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她的回答我永远不会忘记, 她说:
07:35
"It's just not something you want to say to a mother
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“ 这不是你应该对一个第一次
07:37
that's having a baby for the first time."
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当母亲的人要说的话。”
07:40
RG: And of course, we think
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RG:当然,我们觉得
07:42
it's precisely what you really should be saying
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这正是你应该告诉第一次
07:45
to mothers who have kids for the first time.
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做母亲的人的话。
07:48
And that this, of course, one of the themes for us
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而这个,我们的主题之一
07:51
is that we think
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就是我们认为
07:53
that candor and brutal honesty
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直率和残酷坦诚
07:55
is critical to us collectively
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对我们成为好家长
07:57
being great parents.
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至关重要。
07:59
And it's hard not to think
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而且我们很难不把
08:01
that part of what leads to this sense of isolation
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导致这种隔绝的部分原因
08:03
is our modern world.
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与现代社会连系起来。
08:05
So Alisa's experience is not isolated.
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所以阿里萨Alisa的感受不是个别人的感受。
08:07
So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed
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58%的母亲在调查中
08:09
report feelings of loneliness.
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报告感到孤独。
08:11
Of those, 67 percent are most lonely
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其中, 67%的人在孩子0到5岁
08:13
when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.
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或很可能0到2岁的时候最孤独。
08:16
In the process of preparing this,
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在准备这个讲话的过程中
08:18
we looked at how some other cultures around the world
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我们了解了世界上其他文化是如何
08:20
deal with this period of time,
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应付这个阶段的,
08:23
because here in the Western world,
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因为在西方
08:25
less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,
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几乎50%的人都不住在娘家附近,
08:28
which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.
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我认为这就是为什么这个阶段很难过。
08:31
So to take one example among many:
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举例来说:
08:33
in Southern India
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在南印度,
08:35
there's a practice known as jholabhari,
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有个叫jholabihari的习俗,
08:37
in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,
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当孕妇怀孕7,8个月后
08:40
moves in with her mother
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就会搬到她母亲那里去
08:42
and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,
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在母亲家经历了一系列的庆祝仪式,
08:44
give birth and returns home to her nuclear family
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在生完孩子几个月后才回到
08:47
several months after the child is born.
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自己的小家庭。
08:49
And this is one of many ways
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这是我们认为其他文化弥补
08:51
that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.
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产妇在这一孤独阶段的手段。
08:54
AV: So taboo number three:
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AV:第三个禁忌是
08:56
you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.
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你不能谈你流产的事情,但是今天我要来讲讲我的经历。
08:59
So after we had Declan,
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我们有了德克兰Declan以后,
09:01
we kind of recalibrated our expectations.
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我们重新调整了我们的期望。
09:03
We thought we actually could go through this again
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我们的确想要第二个孩子,
09:06
and thought we knew what we would be up against.
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我们认为我们已经知道我们面对的是什么了。
09:09
And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,
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我们也很感激我又能怀上孩子。
09:12
and I soon learned that we were having a boy,
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很快我就得知我们会有一个男孩。
09:14
and then when I was five months,
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而我怀孕5个月的时候,
09:16
we learned that we had lost our child.
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我发现我们的孩子没了。
09:18
This is actually the last little image we have of him.
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这是我们有关他的最后一张照片。
09:22
And it was obviously a very difficult time --
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显然那是非常困难的一段时间
09:24
really painful.
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非常痛苦。
09:27
As I was working through that mourning process,
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在我哀痛的过程中,
09:30
I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.
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我吃惊地发现我不想见任何人。
09:33
I really wanted to crawl into a hole,
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我只想爬到一个洞穴中去。
09:36
and I didn't really know how I was going
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我不知道我怎样回到
09:38
to work my way back into my surrounding community.
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自己周围的社群中去。
09:41
And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,
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我认识到, 我的那种种感受
09:44
is on a really deep gut level,
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都带有很深的负罪感,
09:46
I was feeling a lot of shame
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我感到非常羞辱
09:49
and embarrassed, frankly,
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尴尬, 坦白说
09:51
that, in some respects, I had failed
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从某种角度来说, 我觉得我没有
09:53
at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.
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能够完成我天生造就我应该能做的事情。
09:56
And of course, it made me question,
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当然,这使我也疑惑
09:58
if I wasn't able to have another child,
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如果我不能再生孩子,
10:00
what would that mean for my marriage,
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那这对我们的婚姻意味着什么,
10:02
and just me as a woman.
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我怎样才算一个合格的女人。
10:04
So it was a very difficult time.
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所以那段时间很难。
10:06
As I started working through it more,
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当我开始着手应付它的时候,
10:08
I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.
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我开始爬出洞穴与人交谈。
10:11
I was really amazed
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我真的很吃惊
10:13
by all the stories that started flooding in.
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那些故事像洪水般涌来。
10:15
People I interacted with daily,
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那些每天跟我交往的人
10:17
worked with, was friends with,
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一起工作的人, 朋友们
10:19
family members that I had known a long time,
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我认识了很久的亲戚们
10:21
had never shared with me their own stories.
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从来没有跟我讲过她们的故事。
10:23
And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,
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我只觉得这些故事好象是从地缝里冒出来似的。
10:26
and I felt like I happened upon
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我发现自己撞进
10:28
this secret society of women that I now was a part of,
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了这个秘密的妇女组织,
10:31
which was reassuring and also really concerning.
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这让我刚到既放心又担心。
10:35
And I think,
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我想
10:37
miscarriage is an invisible loss.
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流产是一个隐形的损失。
10:39
There's not really a lot of community support around it.
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它没有得到很多社区的支持。
10:41
There's really no ceremony,
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它没有典礼,
10:43
rituals, or rites.
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没有仪式。
10:45
And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,
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我想, 如果人死, 那有葬礼, 颂扬一生,
10:48
and there's a lot of community support,
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会得到很多社区的支持。
10:50
and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.
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但是妇女流产不会得到同样的待遇。
10:52
RG: Which is too bad because, of course,
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RG:当然, 这是很糟糕的,
10:54
it's a very common and very traumatic experience.
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其实这是很常见和伤害很大的经历。
10:56
Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,
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流产的比率是百分之15 到20。
10:59
and I find this astounding.
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令我吃惊的是
11:01
In a survey, 74 percent of women said
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调查表明, 百分之74的妇女说
11:03
that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.
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她们感到流产是由于她们的过错,真太可怕了。
11:06
And astoundingly, 22 percent
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更令人吃惊的是, 百分之22
11:08
said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.
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的人说, 她们对她们的丈夫隐瞒流产的事情。
11:10
So taboo number four:
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第四个禁忌是
11:12
you can't say that your average happiness
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你不能说你日常的快乐感
11:15
has declined since having a child.
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因为从有了孩子以后降低了。
11:18
The party line is that every single aspect of my life
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统一的的说法是我的生活的各个方面
11:21
has just gotten dramatically better
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在我参与到孩子的出生
11:23
ever since I participated
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和家庭的扩大的奇迹中后
11:25
in the miracle that is childbirth and family.
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得到了巨大的改善。
11:29
I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,
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我永远都不会忘记, 我今天还记忆犹新,
11:32
our first son, Declan, was nine months old,
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我们第一个孩子德克兰Declan九个月大的时候,
11:35
and I was sitting there on the couch,
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我在沙发上坐着,
11:37
and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."
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我在读丹·吉尔伯特Daniel Gilbert精彩的书:《撞上快乐》。
11:40
And I got about two-thirds of the way through,
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我读完三分之二的时候,
11:42
and there was a chart on the right-hand side --
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右边的那页列了一张表。
11:45
on the right-hand page --
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在右边这页,
11:47
that we've labeled here
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我们贴了标记:
11:49
"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable
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“最让刚刚为人父母害怕的
11:51
for a New Parent."
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的图表。”
11:53
This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.
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这张图表是四个完全独立的研究的成果组成的。
11:56
Basically, there's this precipitous drop
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简单地说, 生孩子后婚姻满意度
11:59
of marital satisfaction,
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会徒然下降,
12:01
which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,
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这跟广泛意义上幸福感的升降基本一致
12:04
that doesn't rise again
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而这种幸福感一直到
12:06
until your first child goes to college.
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你第一个孩子上大学后才会回升。
12:09
So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,
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我坐在那里想到我未来20多年的人生
12:12
this chasm of happiness
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设想我们驾驶着敞篷车长驱直入
12:14
that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.
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到这种幸福的深渊。
12:17
We were despondent.
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我们感到郁闷极了。
12:20
AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,
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AV:你们可以想象,最初的几个月是比较困难的,
12:22
but we'd come out of it,
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但是我们克服了,
12:24
and were really shocked to see this study.
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当我们看到这个研究报告时,也的确很震惊。
12:26
So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it
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我们真的很想深入了解它
12:29
in hopes that we would find a silver lining.
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希望我们可以找到一线曙光。
12:31
RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,
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RG: 这是为父母们提供一个网页的好时机,
12:33
because we got this incredible reporter
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因为我们的优秀的记者们
12:36
to go and interview all the scientists
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采访了那些撰写了研究报告
12:39
who conducted these four studies.
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的科学家们。
12:41
We said, something is wrong here.
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我们是觉得,这研究结果有点不对劲。
12:43
There's something missing from these studies.
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这些研究里缺乏了什么东西。
12:45
It can't possibly be that bad.
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结果不可能这么糟糕。
12:49
So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,
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所以我们的记者莉斯·米切尔liz Mitchell写了这篇精彩的文章。
12:52
and she interviewed four scientists,
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她采访了四个科学家,
12:55
and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,
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她也采访了丹·吉尔伯特Daniel Gilbert。
12:57
and we did indeed find a silver lining.
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我们真的发现了一线曙光。
12:59
So this is our guess
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所以我们猜想
13:01
as to what this baseline of average happiness
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贯穿人一生的幸福的平均基线图
13:04
arguably looks like throughout life.
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是什么样的。
13:06
Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,
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平均的幸福, 当然是不够的,
13:08
because it doesn't speak
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它不能表达
13:10
to the moment-by-moment experience,
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不同时刻的经历。
13:12
and so this is what we think it looks like
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所以我们觉得
13:15
when you layer in
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当你叠加进不同时刻的经历后
13:17
moment-to-moment experience.
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幸福曲线图应该是这样的。
13:20
And so we all remember as children,
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我们都记得我们的童年,
13:22
the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --
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我们可以在孩子的脸上看到
13:25
the teeniest little thing
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那些芝麻绿豆的小事情
13:27
can just rocket them to these heights
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就可以让他们开心得不得了
13:29
of just utter adulation,
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那真是可爱至极,
13:31
and then the next teeniest little thing
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接下来,另一件芝麻绿豆的小事
13:33
can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.
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又可以让他们闷闷不乐,伤心至极。
13:35
And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.
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观察这些时刻特别有趣,而我们自己也记得这些往事。
13:38
And then, of course, as you get older,
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然后, 当你长大了,
13:40
it's almost like age is a form of lithium.
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年龄就像锂一样,
13:42
As you get older, you become more stable.
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锂是越老越稳定。人是越老越稳重。
13:45
And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,
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其中,在20,30岁之间,
13:48
is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.
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你开始学着维系你的幸福。
13:50
You start to realize that
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你会意识到
13:52
"Hey, I could go to this live music event
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“我可能去音乐会现场
13:55
and have an utterly transforming experience
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会得到那种彻底享乐的感受
13:57
that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,
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我浑身上下都很激动,
14:00
but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic
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但是我更会感到幽闭恐怖
14:02
and I won't be able to get a beer.
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我都没法买瓶啤酒。
14:05
So I'm not going to go.
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所以我不去了。
14:07
I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."
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我家里有很好的立体音响器材, 所以, 我还是不去了。”
14:10
So your average happiness goes up,
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所以你的平均的幸福感提升了,
14:13
but you lose those transcendent moments.
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但是你失去了那些超级享乐的时刻。
14:15
AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,
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AV:是的, 然后你有了你的第一个孩子。
14:18
and then you really resubmit yourself
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然后你真的把自己跟这些
14:20
to these highs and lows --
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幸福最高点和幸福最低点间的生活联系在一起--
14:22
the highs being the first steps, the first smile,
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幸福值高的地方是孩子的第一步,第一个笑脸,
14:25
your child reading to you for the first time --
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你的孩子第一次为你读书;
14:27
the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.
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幸福值低的时刻是我们家每天晚上6点到7点。
14:32
But you realize you resubmit yourself
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但是你认识到你是身不由己地投入到
14:34
to losing control in a really wonderful way,
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一种美好的生活方式中去,
14:37
which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives
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我们觉得它对我们的人生有很大的意义
14:39
and is quite gratifying.
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我们为此很感激。
14:41
RG: And so in effect,
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RG:所以结果是
14:43
we trade average happiness.
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我们用我们的平均幸福作了交换。
14:45
We trade the sort of security and safety
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我们用那些安全保险
14:47
of a certain level of contentment
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为我们带来的一定程度上的满意
14:49
for these transcendent moments.
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去交换那些特殊时光。
14:52
So where does that leave the two of us
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而这一切将给我们两个
14:54
as a family with our three little boys
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和我们的三个男孩
14:56
in the thick of all this?
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产生什么影响呢?
14:58
There's another factor in our case.
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对我们家而言还有另一个因素。
15:00
We have violated yet another taboo
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在我们的生活里,我们又违犯了另一个禁忌
15:02
in our own lives,
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15:04
and this is a bonus taboo.
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这是一个额外的禁忌。
15:07
AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,
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AV:这是一个额外的禁忌经验, 我们不应该在一起工作
15:10
especially with three children --
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特别是和我们三个孩子在一起
15:12
and we are.
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但是我们还是在一起工作了。
15:14
RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.
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RG:我们一开始对这条禁忌有保留意见。
15:17
Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.
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每个人都知道,你不要跟你爱人一起工作。
15:20
In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,
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事实上一开始我们为Babble募集资金时,
15:23
the venture capitalists said,
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那个风险投资人说,
15:25
"We categorically don't invest
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“我们绝不投资
15:27
in companies founded by husbands and wives,
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由夫妻一起创建的公司,
15:29
because there's an extra point of failure.
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因为这另加了一个失败的因素。
15:31
It's a bad idea. Don't do it."
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这是坏主意, 不要这么做。”
15:33
And we obviously went forward. We did.
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而显然我们还是这么做了。
15:35
We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,
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我们募集到了资金, 我们特别高兴,
15:38
because in this phase of one's life,
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因为在人生的这个阶段中,
15:40
the incredibly scarce resource is time.
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最宝贵的财富是时间。
15:43
And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --
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而如果你真的对你所从事的事情充满热情, 如我们一样,
15:46
and you're also passionate about your relationship,
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而你也很在乎你们的关系,
15:48
this is the only way we know how to do it.
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那么,夫妻搭档在一起工作,这就是我们知道的唯一的办法。
15:51
And so the final question that we would ask is:
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所以我们最后的一个问题是:
15:53
can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?
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我们能不能将幸福曲线的图表往上调整?
15:56
It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,
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我们生活中有这些特殊的幸福时刻当然很好,
15:59
but they're sometimes pretty quick.
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但是有的时候它们来得快去得快。
16:02
And so how about that average baseline of happiness?
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我们能不能将幸福的平均基线
16:05
Can we move that up a little bit?
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提高一些呢?
16:07
AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,
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AV:我们感到我们原来所谓的幸福
16:10
is really the result of walking into parenting --
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是针对步入家长的这一过程中
16:12
and really any long-term partnership for that matter --
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和建立任何长期的关系中
16:14
with the wrong expectations.
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带有错误的期望而言的。
16:16
And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,
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如果你建立了正确的期望和管理期望的手段,
16:19
we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.
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我们发现结果是可喜的。
16:22
RG: And so this is what --
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RG:这就是
16:24
And we think that a lot of parents,
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我们认为很多家长,
16:26
when you get in there -- in our case anyway --
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你们来到这里, 和我们一样,
16:28
you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.
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你打好了包裹去欧洲旅行,你特别兴奋地想去。
16:31
Get out of the airplane,
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上了飞机,
16:33
it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.
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结果你是在尼泊尔徒步旅行。
16:35
And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,
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徒步在尼泊尔旅行本身是一个非常特殊的经验,
16:38
particularly if you pack your bags properly
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特别是如果你合理地准备了行装,
16:40
and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.
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你知道你来干什么的, 你会非常激动。
16:42
So the point of all this for us today
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所以今天我们讲这些的关键不是
16:44
is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,
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希望大家为诚实而诚实,
16:47
but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,
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而是希望通过诚实坦白地讲述这些经历,
16:50
that we can all collectively
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我们才可以携手努力
16:52
bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.
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将我们的幸福基线抬高一点。
16:55
RG + AV: Thank you.
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RG+AV:谢谢。
16:57
(Applause)
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(掌声)
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