Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

Translator: Janka Pazurikova Reviewer:

Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --

Alisa Volkman: Takže tu náš príbeh začína --

the dramatic moments of the birth

dramatické chvíle narodenia

of our first son, Declan.

nášho prvého syna Declana.

Obviously a really profound moment,

Je jasné, že to bol naozaj hlboký moment

and it changed our lives in many ways.

a že to zmenilo naše životy mnohými spôsobmi.

It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,

Tiež to zmenilo naše životy mnohými neočakávanými spôsobmi

and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,

a tie neočakávané spôsoby, o ktorých sme neskôr premýšľali,

that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,

nás nakoniec priviedli k podnikateľkej myšlienke

and a year later, we launched Babble,

a o rok neskôr sme spustili Babble,

a website for parents.

web stránku pre rodičov.

Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story

Rufus Griscom: Ja si myslím, že náš príbeh

as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.

začal pár rokov skôr. (AV: To je pravda.)

RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.

RG: Možno si pamätáte, zamilovali sme sa do seba až po uši.

AV: We did.

AV: Zamilovali.

RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.

RG: V tom čase sme viedli úplne iný typ web stránky.

It was a website called Nerve.com,

Bola to web stránka Nerve.com

the tagline of which was "literate smut."

ktorá bola -- jej sloganom bolo "prasačinky kultúrne".

It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,

Bol to teoreticky, a snáď aj prakticky,

a smart online magazine

moderný online magazín

about sex and culture.

o sexe a kultúre.

AV: That spawned a dating site.

AV: To podnietilo vznik stránky na zoznamovanie.

But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.

Ale viete si predstaviť tie vtipy, ktoré nám hovorili. Sex má za výsledok bábätká.

You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,

Ak sa budete riadiť návodmi na Nerve, mali by ste skončiť na Babble,

which we did.

presne ako my.

And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.

A možno raz spustíme aj stránku pre starších ľudí. Uvidíme.

RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble

RG: Ale pre nás, spojitosť medzi Nerve a Babble

was not just the life stage thing,

nebola len záležitosť životnej etapy,

which is, of course, relevant,

čo sa toho samozrejme tiež týka,

but it was really more about

ale bolo to oveľa viac

our desire to speak very honestly

o našej túžbe hovoriť veľmi úprimne

about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.

o veciach, o ktorých sa ľudia nerozprávajú úprimne.

It seems to us that

Zdalo sa nám,

when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,

že keď sa ľudia začnú pretvarovať, začnú o veciach klamať,

that's when it gets really interesting.

vtedy to začína byť zaujímavé,

That's a subject that we want to dive into.

to je vec, do ktorej sa chceme pustiť.

And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,

A boli sme prekvapení, keď sme ako mladí rodičia zistili,

that there are almost more taboos around parenting

že o rodičovstve je skoro viac tabu

than there are around sex.

ako o sexe.

AV: It's true. So like we said,

AV: To je pravda. Takže, ako sme povedali,

the early years were really wonderful,

prvé roky boli naozaj úžasné,

but they were also really difficult.

ale tiež veľmi náročné.

And we feel like some of that difficulty

A cítili sme, že to bolo také ťažké aj

was because of this false advertisement around parenting.

kvôli nepravdivej reklame o rodičovstve.

(Laughter)

(Smiech)

We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,

Predplatili sme si množstvo časopisov, robili sme svoju prácu,

but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.

ale všade naokolo, kde sme sa pozreli, boli obrázky ako je tento.

And we went into parenting

A do rodičovstva sme šli s tým,

expecting our lives to look like this.

že náš život bude vyzerať takto.

The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.

Vždy bude svietiť slnko a naše deti nikdy nebudú plakať.

I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,

Vždy budem perfektne upravená a oddýchnutá.

and in fact, it was not like that at all.

A v skutočnosti to také vôbec nebolo.

RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine

RG: Keď sme zložili lesklé časopisy o rodičovstve,

that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,

kde boli tieto krásne obrázky,

and looked at the scene in our actual living room,

a pozreli sme sa na našu obývačku,

it looked a little bit more like this.

vyzeralo to asi takto.

These are our three sons.

Toto sú naši traja synovia.

And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,

A samozrejme, neplačú a nekričia stále.

but with three boys, there's a decent probability

Ale s troma chlapcami máte slušnú pravdepodobnosť,

that at least one of them will not be comporting himself

že aspoň jeden z nich sa nebude správať tak,

exactly as he should.

ako by sa mal.

AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.

AV: Môžete vidieť, kde nám to nedávalo zmysel.

We really felt like what we went in expecting

Cítili sme, že naše očakávania

had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,

nemali nič spoločné s tým, čo sme v skutočnosti zažívali.

and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.

A tak sme sa rozhodli, že to chceme povedať rodičom na rovinu.

We really wanted to let them understand

Chceme, aby porozumeli,

what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.

o čom je realita rodičovstva, a povedať im to úprimne.

RG: So today, what we would love to do

RG: Dnes by sme sa chceli

is share with you four parenting taboos.

s vami podeliť o naše štyri tabu o rodičovstve.

And of course, there are many more than four things

Samozrejme, existuje viac ako štyri veci,

you can't say about parenting,

je oveľa viac ako štyri.

but we would like to share with you today

Ale chceli by sme sa s vami podeliť o tie

four that are particularly relevant for us personally.

štyri, ktoré sú pre nás osobné.

So the first, taboo number one:

Takže, tabu číslo jedna:

you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby

nemôžete povedať, že ste sa nezamilovali do vášho bábätka

in the very first minute.

okamžite, ako ste ho zbadali.

I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.

Živo si to pamätám, sedel som tam v nemocnici.

We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.

Boli sme v procese pôrodu nášho prvého dieťaťa.

AV: We, or I?

AV: My alebo ja?

RG: I'm sorry.

RG: Prepáč.

Misuse of the pronoun.

Pomýlil som si zámeno.

Alisa was very generously in the process

Alisa bola taká láskavá a rodila

of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)

naše prvé dieťa -- (AV: Ďakujem.)

-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.

-- a ja som tam bol, pripravený, s voľnými rukami.

And I was there with my arms open.

Bol som tam s otvorenom náručou.

The nurse was coming at me

Sestrička ku mne prišla

with this beautiful, beautiful child,

s týmto nádherným, nádherným dieťaťom.

and I remember, as she was approaching me,

A pamätám si, že ako sa ku mne približovala,

the voices of friends saying,

zneli mi v hlave hlasy priateľov, ktoré hovorili,

"The moment they put the baby in your hands,

"V tú chvíľu, ako ti vložia bábätko do rúk,

you will feel a sense of love that will come over you

pocítiš, ako ťa zaplaví láska

that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful

silnejšia a intenzívnejšia ako

than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."

čokoľvek, čo si zažil predtým."

So I was bracing myself for the moment.

A tak som sa pripravoval na tú chvíľu.

The baby was coming,

Dieťatko prichádzalo,

and I was ready for this Mack truck of love

a ja som bol pripravený na ten kamión lásky,

to just knock me off my feet.

ktorý ma zrazí na kolená.

And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,

A namiesto toho, keď mi vložili bábätko do rúk,

it was an extraordinary moment.

bol to výnimočný moment.

This picture is from literally a few seconds after

Táto fotka bola urobená doslova niekoľko sekúnd po tom,

the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.

ako mi dali dieťa do rúk a ja som ho priniesol.

And you can see, our eyes were glistening.

A môžete vidieť, ako naše oči žiaria.

I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,

Bol som ohromený láskou a nehou k mojej žene,

with deep, deep gratitude

a hlbokou, hlbokou vďačnosťou za to,

that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.

že sme mali, ako sa zdalo, zdravé dieťa.

And it was also, of course, surreal.

A bolo to tiež tak trochu surreálne.

I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.

Musel som skontrolovať visačky a uistiť sa, že som pri správnom dieťati.

I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"

Neveril som tomu. "Ste si istí, že toto je naše dieťa?"

And this was all quite remarkable.

A celé to bolo veľmi zvláštne.

But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,

A voči tomu dieťaťu som cítil hlbokú náklonnosť,

but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.

ale nič podobné tomu, čo k nemu cítim teraz, po piatich rokoch.

And so we've done something here

A tak sme urobili niečo

that is heretical.

kacírske.

We have charted

Zobrazili sme do tabuľky

our love for our child over time.

našu lásku k dieťaťu za čas.

(Laughter)

(Smiech)

This, as you know, is an act of heresy.

Toto je, ako viete, kacírstvo.

You're not allowed to chart love.

Nemôžete dať lásku do tabuľky.

The reason you're not allowed to chart love

A dôvodom, prečo nemôžete dať do tabuľky lásku,

is because we think of love as a binary thing.

je, že o láske uvažujeme binárne.

You're either in love, or you're not in love.

Buď ste zamilovaný, alebo nie ste.

You love, or you don't love.

Milujete alebo nemilujete.

And I think the reality is that love is a process,

Myslím, že v skutočnosti je láska proces.

and I think the problem with thinking of love

A myslím, že to nazeranie na lásku,

as something that's binary

ako na niečo binárne,

is that it causes us

spôsobuje,

to be unduly concerned

že sa strachujete, hoci nie je dôvod,

that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.

že vaša láska je falošná, alebo nedostatočná, alebo že vás vlastní.

And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.

Teraz hovorím o mojej skúsenosti otca.

But I think a lot of men do go through this sense

Ale myslím, že týmto prechádza mnoho mužov

in the early months, maybe their first year,

v prvých mesiacoch, možno v prvom roku,

that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.

keď sa zdá, že ich pocity sú nedostatočné.

AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,

AV: Som rada, že to Rufus vytiahol túto tému,

because you can notice where he dips in the first years

pretože si môžete všimnúť, že bol dole v prvých rokoch,

where I think I was doing most of the work.

keď som si myslela, že ja robím väčšinu práce.

But we like to joke,

Radi žartujeme,

in the first few months of all of our children's lives,

že v prvých mesiacoch života našich detí

this is Uncle Rufus.

bol strýkom Rufusom.

(Laughter)

(Smiech)

RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.

RG: Ja som milujúci strýko, veľmi milujúci strýko.

AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home

AV: A ja som často hovorievala, keď Rufus prišiel domov,

that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up

že si nie som istá, či by bol schopný nájsť naše dieťa v rade

amongst other babies.

ďalších bábätiek.

So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.

Takže som si pre Rufusa pripravila kvíz.

RG: Uh oh.

RG: Och nie.

AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.

AV: Nechcem ho zosmiešniť. Dám mu tri sekundy.

RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?

RG: To nie je fér. Toto je zákerná otázka. Nie je tam, však?

AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,

AV: Náš osemtýždňový syn je tam niekde.

and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.

A chcem vidieť, či ho Rufus vie identifikovať.

RG: The far left. AV: No!

RG: Celkom naľavo. (AV: Nie!)

(Laughter)

(Smiech)

RG: Cruel.

RV: Kruté.

AV: Nothing more to be said.

AV: Čo viac dodať.

(Laughter)

(Smiech)

I'll move on to taboo number two.

Prejdem na tabu číslo dva.

You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.

Nemôžete rozprávať o tom, aký môže byť život s bábätkom osamelý.

I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.

Užívala som si tehotenstvo, milovala som to.

I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.

Cítila som sa spojená s komunitou okolo mňa.

I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,

Cítila som, že všetci okolo mňa sa nejako zúčastňujú môjho tehotenstva,

tracking it down till the actual due-date.

až po deň pôrodu.

I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.

Cítila som sa ako hnací motor budúcnosti ľudstva.

That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.

Pokračovalo to aj v nemocnici, bolo to naozaj skvelé.

I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.

Bola som zasypaná darčekmi a kvetmi a návštevami.

It was a really wonderful experience,

Bol to naozaj úžasný zážitok.

but when I got home,

Ale keď som prišla domov,

I suddenly felt very disconnected

zrazu som sa cítila taká odpojená,

and suddenly shut in and shut out,

zatvorená dovnútra a neprístupná zvonka.

and I was really surprised by those feelings.

A bola som tými pocitmi prekvapená.

I did expect it to be difficult,

Čakala som, že to bude ťažké,

have sleepless nights, constant feedings,

že nebudem v noci spať, že budem dieťa stále kŕmiť,

but I did not expect the feelings

ale nečakala som tie pocity

of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,

izolácie a samoty, ktoré som prežívala.

and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,

A naozaj som bola prekvapená, že mi nikto nepovedal,

that I was going to be feeling this way.

že sa budem cítiť takto.

And I called my sister

Zavolala som svojej sestre,

whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --

s ktorou sme si veľmi blízke -- ona má tri deti --

and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me

a spýtala som sa jej, "Prečo si mi nepovedala,

I was going to be feeling this way,

že sa budem takto cítiť,

that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"

že sa budem cítiť tak hrozne osamelá?"

And she said -- I'll never forget --

A ona povedala -- nikdy na to nezabudnem --

"It's just not something you want to say to a mother

"To nie to, čo by si chcela povedať matke,

that's having a baby for the first time."

ktorá čaká svoje prvé dieťatko."

RG: And of course, we think

RG: Samozrejme, my sme si mysleli,

it's precisely what you really should be saying

že to je presne to, čo by ste mali hovoriť

to mothers who have kids for the first time.

matkám, ktoré budú mať svoje prvé dieťa.

And that this, of course, one of the themes for us

A to je jedna z tém, pri ktorých

is that we think

si myslíme,

that candor and brutal honesty

že otvorenosť a brutálna úprimnosť

is critical to us collectively

sú nevyhnutné pre to, aby sme

being great parents.

mohli byť dobrými rodičmi.

And it's hard not to think

A nie je ťažké si domyslieť,

that part of what leads to this sense of isolation

že k tomuto pocitu izolácie sčasti vedie

is our modern world.

náš moderný svet.

So Alisa's experience is not isolated.

Takže Alisina skúsenosť nie je ojedinelá.

So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed

58 percent matiek v prieskume uviedlo,

report feelings of loneliness.

že sa cítia osamelé.

Of those, 67 percent are most lonely

67 percent z nich bolo najviac osamelých,

when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.

keď ich deti mali od nula do päť rokov -- možno naozaj tých nula až dva.

In the process of preparing this,

Keď sme toto pripravovali,

we looked at how some other cultures around the world

pozreli sme, ako sa s týmto obdobím vyrovnávajú

deal with this period of time,

iné kultúry po celom svete,

because here in the Western world,

pretože tu, v západnom svete

less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,

žije menej ako 50 percent z nás neďaleko svojej rodiny,

which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.

čo je sčasti dôvodom, pre ktorý je toto obdobie také ťažké.

So to take one example among many:

Takže poviem jeden príklad za všetky:

in Southern India

v južnej Indii

there's a practice known as jholabhari,

majú zvyk, ktorý sa volá jholabihari,

in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,

pri ktorom sa tehotná žena, keď je v siedmom alebo ôsmom mesiaci,

moves in with her mother

presťahuje ku svojej matke

and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,

a prechádza niekoľkými rituálmi a ceremóniami,

give birth and returns home to her nuclear family

porodí a vráti sa domov ku svojej rodine

several months after the child is born.

až po niekoľkých mesiacoch.

And this is one of many ways

A toto je jeden z mnohých spôsobov,

that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.

akým sa iné kultúry vyrovnávajú s týmto osamelým obdobím.

AV: So taboo number three:

AV: Takže tabu číslo tri:

you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.

nemôžete hovoriť o svojom potrate -- ale ja vám poviem o svojom.

So after we had Declan,

Po tom, čo sme mali Declana,

we kind of recalibrated our expectations.

sme prehodnotili svoje očakávania.

We thought we actually could go through this again

Rozhodli sme sa, že tým chceme prejsť znovu,

and thought we knew what we would be up against.

a mysleli sme si, že vieme, do čoho ideme.

And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,

A boli sme vďační, že som otehotnela.

and I soon learned that we were having a boy,

Čoskoro som sa dozvedela, že budeme mať chlapca.

and then when I was five months,

A keď som bola v piatom mesiaci,

we learned that we had lost our child.

stratili sme naše dieťa.

This is actually the last little image we have of him.

Toto je jeho posledný malý obrázok, ktorý máme.

And it was obviously a very difficult time --

A bolo to samozrejme veľmi ťažké obdobie --

really painful.

naozaj bolestivé.

As I was working through that mourning process,

Prechádzala som tým procesom smútenia

I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.

a bola som prekvapená, že som nikoho nechcela vidieť.

I really wanted to crawl into a hole,

Chcela som sa len schúliť niekde do diery a ostať tam.

and I didn't really know how I was going

A naozaj som nevedela, ako sa budem môcť

to work my way back into my surrounding community.

vrátiť naspäť do života.

And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,

Uvedomila som si, ako sa cítim,

is on a really deep gut level,

že niekde hlboko vnútri

I was feeling a lot of shame

som cítila veľa hanby --

and embarrassed, frankly,

bola som v rozpakoch --

that, in some respects, I had failed

že som, z určitého pohľadu, zlyhala v tom,

at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.

na čo som geneticky určená.

And of course, it made me question,

A samozrejme, pýtala som sa,

if I wasn't able to have another child,

či budem môcť mať ďalšie dieťa,

what would that mean for my marriage,

čo by to znamenalo pre moje manželstvo,

and just me as a woman.

a pre mňa ako ženu.

So it was a very difficult time.

Bolo to veľmi ťažké obdobie.

As I started working through it more,

A ako som to postupne spracovávala,

I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.

začala som vychádzať z tej diery a rozprávať sa s ľuďmi.

I was really amazed

A bola som naozaj prekvapená,

by all the stories that started flooding in.

ako sa začali vynárať príbehy.

People I interacted with daily,

Ľudia, s ktorými som sa stretávala denne,

worked with, was friends with,

s ktorými som pracovala, ktorí sú mojimi priateľmi,

family members that I had known a long time,

členovia mojej rodiny, ktorých som poznala veľmi dlho,

had never shared with me their own stories.

sa nikdy so mnou nepodelili o svoje príbehy.

And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,

Pamätám si, že sa mi zdalo, že všetky tie príbehy sa objavili z ničoho nič.

and I felt like I happened upon

A cítila som sa, akoby som objavila

this secret society of women that I now was a part of,

tento tajný ženský spolok, ktorého som bola teraz súčasťou,

which was reassuring and also really concerning.

čo bolo zároveň upokojujúce aj znepokojujúce.

And I think,

Myslím si, že

miscarriage is an invisible loss.

potrat je neviditeľná strata.

There's not really a lot of community support around it.

Nie je okolo neho veľa podpory zo strany ľudí okolo vás.

There's really no ceremony,

Neexistuje ceremónia,

rituals, or rites.

žiadne rituály alebo obrady.

And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,

Pri smrti máte pohreb, oslavujete život,

and there's a lot of community support,

a všetci naokolo nás podporujú.

and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.

A to ženy po potrate nemajú.

RG: Which is too bad because, of course,

RG: Čo je zlé, samozrejme,

it's a very common and very traumatic experience.

keďže je to bežný a veľmi traumatizujúci zážitok.

Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,

15 až 20 percent všetkých tehotenstiev končí potratom.

and I find this astounding.

A toto sa mi zdá neuveriteľné.

In a survey, 74 percent of women said

V prieskume 74 percent žien povedalo,

that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.

že cítili, že potrat bol sčasti ich vina, čo je hrozné.

And astoundingly, 22 percent

A prekvapujúco, 22 percent

said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.

povedalo, že by zatajili potrat pred manželom.

So taboo number four:

Tabu číslo štyri:

you can't say that your average happiness

nemôžete povedať, že váš priemerný pocit šťastia

has declined since having a child.

poklesol, odkedy máte dieťa.

The party line is that every single aspect of my life

Každý jeden aspekt vášho života sa musel

has just gotten dramatically better

dramaticky zlepšiť

ever since I participated

odkedy ste súčasťou

in the miracle that is childbirth and family.

toho zázraku, ktorým je narodenie dieťaťa a rodina.

I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,

Nikdy nezabudnem, dodnes si živo pamätám,

our first son, Declan, was nine months old,

že keď mal náš prvý syn, Declan, deväť mesiacov,

and I was sitting there on the couch,

a ja som sedel na pohovke

and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."

a čítal som skvelú knihu od Daniela Gilberta "Stumbling on Happiness" (Zakopnúť o šťastie, pozn.prekl.).

And I got about two-thirds of the way through,

Mal som prečítané asi dve tretiny tej knihy

and there was a chart on the right-hand side --

a narazil som na tabuľku na pravej strane --

on the right-hand page --

na pravej strane --

that we've labeled here

ktorú sme tu označili ako

"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable

"Najstrašidelnejšia tabuľka

for a New Parent."

pre čerstvého rodiča, akú si viete predstaviť."

This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.

Táto tabuľka zobrazuje výsledky štyroch nezávislých štúdií.

Basically, there's this precipitous drop

Skrátka, spokojnosť v manželstve

of marital satisfaction,

náhle poklesne

which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,

tá spokojnosť je, ako vieme, úzko spätá so všeobecným pocitom šťastia,

that doesn't rise again

a nezačne stúpať,

until your first child goes to college.

kým vaše prvé dieťa neodíde na vysokú.

So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,

A tak som tam sedel a pozeral sa na nasledujúce dve desaťročia môjho života,

this chasm of happiness

na tento priepastný pokles šťastia,

that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.

do ktorého sme sa rútili.

We were despondent.

Zarmútilo nás to.

AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,

AV: Viete si to predstaviť, tých prvých pár mesiacov bolo ťažkých,

but we'd come out of it,

ale už sme sa z toho dostávali,

and were really shocked to see this study.

a tento prieskum nás šokoval.

So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it

Chceli sme sa na to pozrieť bližšie

in hopes that we would find a silver lining.

a dúfali sme, že nájdeme aspoň kvapku nádeje.

RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,

RG: A práve v takýchto chvíľach sa oplatí mať web stránku pre rodičov,

because we got this incredible reporter

pretože sme poslali jednu skvelú reportérku,

to go and interview all the scientists

aby sa porozprávala so všetkými vedcami,

who conducted these four studies.

ktorí sa zúčastnili týchto štyroch prieskumov.

We said, something is wrong here.

Hovorili sme si, že niečo tu nie je v poriadku.

There's something missing from these studies.

Niečo tam chýba.

It can't possibly be that bad.

Nemôže to byť predsa také zlé.

So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,

Liz Mitchell s tým urobila naozaj úžasný kus práce.

and she interviewed four scientists,

Porozprávala sa so štyrmi vedcami

and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,

a tiež s Danielom Gilbertom.

and we did indeed find a silver lining.

A naozaj sme našli kvapku nádeje.

So this is our guess

Takto podľa nášho odhadu

as to what this baseline of average happiness

vyzerá základná línia priemerného šťastia

arguably looks like throughout life.

počas života.

Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,

Priemerné šťastie je, samozrejme, nepresný pojem,

because it doesn't speak

pretože nič nehovorí

to the moment-by-moment experience,

o chvíľkových pocitoch v každom momente.

and so this is what we think it looks like

A takto to podľa nás vyzerá,

when you layer in

keď zobrazíte aj

moment-to-moment experience.

všetky tie chvíľkové pocity.

And so we all remember as children,

Všetci si pamätáme, že ako deti nás

the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --

každá maličkosť -- a to vidíme aj na našich deťoch --

the teeniest little thing

úplná maličkosť

can just rocket them to these heights

ich dokáže vystreliť až do nebies

of just utter adulation,

úplnej radosti,

and then the next teeniest little thing

a ďalšia maličkosť

can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.

ich stiahne do hlbokého zúfalstva.

And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.

A je to neobyčajné sledovať to a spomínať, akí sme boli my.

And then, of course, as you get older,

A potom, ako vyrastiete,

it's almost like age is a form of lithium.

je to akoby bol vek skupenstvom lítia.

As you get older, you become more stable.

Čím ste starší, tým ste stabilnejší.

And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,

A čo sa nám stane, keď máme vyše 20, 30 rokov, je, že

is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.

sa naučíme chrániť si svoje šťastie.

You start to realize that

Uvedomíte si, že

"Hey, I could go to this live music event

"Hej, mohol by som ísť na tento hudobný koncert

and have an utterly transforming experience

a zažiť niečo úplne neskutočné,

that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,

z čoho budem mať husiu kožu,

but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic

ale možno sa tam budem cítiť klaustrofobicky

and I won't be able to get a beer.

a nedostanem sa k žiadnemu pivu.

So I'm not going to go.

Nikam nejdem.

I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."

Pustím si niečo doma. Nikam nejdem."

So your average happiness goes up,

Takže váš priemerný pocit šťastia ide nahor,

but you lose those transcendent moments.

ale stratíte tie momenty úplného šťastia.

AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,

AV: Áno, a potom máte prvé dieťa.

and then you really resubmit yourself

A znovu sa prispôsobíte

to these highs and lows --

týmto vzletom a pádom --

the highs being the first steps, the first smile,

vzletmi sú prvé krôčky, prvý úsmev,

your child reading to you for the first time --

keď vám dieťa prvýkrát číta --

the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.

a pádom je byť v našom dome kedykoľvek od šiestej do siedmej každý večer.

But you realize you resubmit yourself

Ale uvedomíte si, že sa podvolíte

to losing control in a really wonderful way,

tejto strate kontroly naozaj úžasným spôsobom,

which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives

ktorý dáva význam našim životom

and is quite gratifying.

a veľa radosti.

RG: And so in effect,

RG: A takto

we trade average happiness.

sme predali priemerný pocit šťastia.

We trade the sort of security and safety

Vymenili sme istotu a bezpečie,

of a certain level of contentment

že budeme v určitom pohodlí,

for these transcendent moments.

za tie momenty absolútneho šťastia.

So where does that leave the two of us

Čo to znamená pre nás dvoch

as a family with our three little boys

s našou rodinkou

in the thick of all this?

troch malých chlapcov?

There's another factor in our case.

V našom prípade je tu ešte ďalší faktor.

We have violated yet another taboo

V našich životoch sme porušili

in our own lives,

ešte ďalšie tabu.

and this is a bonus taboo.

A to je bonusové tabu.

AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,

AV: Krátky bonus pre vás, a to, že by sme nemali pracovať spolu,

especially with three children --

hlavne keď máme tri deti --

and we are.

a pracujeme.

RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.

RG: Zo všetkých strán sme počúvali pripomienky.

Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.

Každý vie, že by ste v žiadnom prípade nemali pracovať so svojím partnerom.

In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,

Keď sme sa prvýkrát snažili získať peniaze, aby sme naštartovali Babble,

the venture capitalists said,

investori nám povedali,

"We categorically don't invest

"Zásadne neinvestujeme

in companies founded by husbands and wives,

do spoločností, ktoré založili manželia,

because there's an extra point of failure.

pretože to pridáva zlomový bod navyše.

It's a bad idea. Don't do it."

Je to zlý nápad. Nerobte to."

And we obviously went forward. We did.

My sme to zjavne urobili.

We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,

Našli sme peniaze, a boli sme naozaj radi, že sme ich našli,

because in this phase of one's life,

pretože v tejto fáze života

the incredibly scarce resource is time.

je čas neuveriteľne vzácny.

And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --

Ak ak naozaj milujete to, čo robíte každý deň -- čo my áno --

and you're also passionate about your relationship,

a naozaj sa staráte o svoj vzťah,

this is the only way we know how to do it.

tak je len jeden spôsob, ako to robiť.

And so the final question that we would ask is:

Takže otázka na záver:

can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?

môžeme spoločne posunúť tú krivku šťastia nahor?

It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,

Je skvelé, že máte tie momenty dokonalej radosti,

but they're sometimes pretty quick.

ale niekedy sú naozaj rýchle.

And so how about that average baseline of happiness?

Takže čo s tou priemernou čiarou šťastia?

Can we move that up a little bit?

Môžeme ju trošku posunúť?

AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,

AV: Cítili sme, že šťastie, o ktorom sme rozprávali,

is really the result of walking into parenting --

je výsledok toho, že vstupujete do rodičovstva ..

and really any long-term partnership for that matter --

a v podstate do akéhokoľvek dlhodobého vzťahu, na ktorom vám záleží --

with the wrong expectations.

s nesprávnymi očakávaniami.

And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,

A ak máte správne očakávania a viete si ich prispôsobiť,

we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.

tak to bude naozaj úžasný zážitok.

RG: And so this is what --

RG: A toto je --

And we think that a lot of parents,

Myslíme si, že mnoho rodičov,

when you get in there -- in our case anyway --

keď do toho idú -- tak ako v našom prípade -- a vyzerá to takto.

you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.

Zbalíte sa na výlet do Európy, a naozaj sa naň tešíte.

Get out of the airplane,

Vyjdete z lietadla

it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.

a vyjde najavo, že budete chodiť po horách v Nepále.

And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,

A turistika v Nepále je výnimočný zážitok,

particularly if you pack your bags properly

hlavne ak ste dobre pobalení

and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.

a viete, na čo tam ste, a ste na to pripravený.

So the point of all this for us today

O čo nám tu dnes išlo

is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,

nie je len rozprávať o úprimnosti kvôli tomu, že úprimnosť je dobrá,

but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,

ale o nádeji, že ak budeme úprimnejšie a poctivejšie hovoriť o týchto skúsenostiach,

that we can all collectively

tak môžeme spoločne

bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.

ohnúť tú krivku šťastia smerom nahor.

RG + AV: Thank you.

RG + AV: Ďakujeme.

(Applause)

(Potlesk)