My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold | TED

Translator: Alba Verea Reviewer: Serv. de Norm. Lingüística U. de Santiago de Compostela

The last time I heard my son's voice

A derradeira vez que oín a voz do meu fillo

was when he walked out the front door

foi cando saíu pola porta da casa

on his way to school.

para ir ao instituto.

He called out one word in the darkness:

Na escuridade, dixo unha palabra:

"Bye."

"Adeus".

It was April 20, 1999.

Era o 20 de abril de 1999.

Later that morning, at Columbine High School,

Máis tarde aquela mañá, no instituto de Columbine

my son Dylan and his friend Eric

o meu fillo Dylan e o seu amigo Eric

killed 12 students and a teacher

mataron a 12 estudantes e a un profesor

and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives.

e feriron a outras 20 persoas máis, antes de quitarse a vida.

Thirteen innocent people were killed,

Trece persoas inocentes foron asasinadas,

leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma.

deixando aos seus seres queridos nun estado de dó e trauma.

Others sustained injuries,

Outros recibiron feridas,

some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.

que desfiguraron a uns e deixaron a outros con discapacidade permanente.

But the enormity of the tragedy

Pero a gravidade da traxedia

can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.

non pode medirse só polo número de mortes e feridos.

There's no way to quantify the psychological damage

Non hai xeito de medir os danos psicolóxicos

of those who were in the school,

daqueles que estaban no instituto,

or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

ou dos que participaron nos esforzos de rescate e limpeza.

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,

Non hai maneira de calcular a magnitude dunha traxedia como a de Columbine,

especially when it can be a blueprint

especialmente cando pode servir de modelo

for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.

para outros tiradores que deciden cometer atrocidades.

Columbine was a tidal wave,

Columbine foi coma un maremoto,

and when the crash ended,

e cando a colisión rematou,

it would take years for the community and for society

pasaron anos ata que a comunidade e a sociedade foron capaces

to comprehend its impact.

de comprender o seu impacto.

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy.

Tardei moitos anos en intentar aceptar o legado do meu fillo.

The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life

O comportamento cruel que marcou o final da súa vida

showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.

fíxome ver que era unha persoa completamente distinta da que eu coñecía.

Afterwards people asked,

Despois, a xente preguntábame,

"How could you not know?

"Como puideches non darte conta?

What kind of a mother were you?"

Que clase de nai eras?"

I still ask myself those same questions.

Aínda me fago esas mesmas preguntas.

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom.

Antes do tiroteo, eu pensaba que era unha boa nai.

Helping my children become caring,

Axudarlles aos meus fillos a converterse en adultos

healthy, responsible adults

xenerosos, sans e responsables

was the most important role of my life.

era o papel máis importante da miña vida.

But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent,

Pero a traxedia convenceume de que fracasei como nai,

and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.

e en parte é este sentimento de fracaso o que me trae hoxe aquí.

Aside from his father,

Á parte de seu pai,

I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.

eu era a persoa que máis coñecía e quería a Dylan.

If anyone could have known what was happening,

Se alguén puidese saber o que pasaba,

it should have been me, right?

debería ser eu, non si?

But I didn't know.

Pero non o sabía.

Today, I'm here to share the experience

Estou aquí para compartir a experiencia

of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.

do que é ser a nai de alguén que mata e causa dor.

For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories,

Durante anos despois da traxedia repasei moitos recordos

trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.

intentando atopar en que fallara como nai.

But there are no simple answers.

Pero non hai respostas simples.

I can't give you any solutions.

Non podo darvos ningunha solución.

All I can do

Todo o que podo facer

is share what I have learned.

é compartir o que aprendín.

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings,

Cando falo con xente que non me coñecía antes do tiroteo

I have three challenges to meet.

enfróntome a tres desafíos.

First, when I walk into a room like this,

O primeiro, cando entro nunha sala coma esta,

I never know if someone there has experienced loss

nunca sei se alguén que está aquí sufriu a falta dun ser querido

because of what my son did.

por culpa do que fixo o meu fillo.

I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family

Sinto que debo recoñecer o sufrimento que un membro da miña familia causou

who isn't here to do it for himself.

xa que el non está aquí para facelo.

So first, with all of my heart,

Así que, con todo o meu corazón,

I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

pídovos perdón pola dor que o meu fillo vos puido causar.

The second challenge I have

O segundo desafío ó que me enfronto

is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion

é que debo pedir comprensión e incluso compaixón

when I talk about my son's death as a suicide.

cando falo sobre a morte do meu fillo coma un suicidio.

Two years before he died,

Dous anos antes de morrer

he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook

escribiu nun caderno

that he was cutting himself.

que se estaba cortando.

He said that he was in agony

Dicía que estaba angustiado

and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.

e que quería unha pistola para acabar coa súa vida.

I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

Non souben nada disto ata meses despois da súa morte.

When I talk about his death as a suicide,

Cando falo da súa morte coma un suicidio,

I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life.

non pretendo minimizar a maldade que mostrou ao fin da súa vida.

I'm trying to understand

Estou intentando entender

how his suicidal thinking

como o seu pensamento suicida

led to murder.

o levou a asasinar.

After a lot of reading and talking with experts,

Despois de ler moito e falar con expertos,

I have come to believe

cheguei á conclusión

that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill

de que a súa participación no tiroteo xurdía non dun desexo de matar,

but in his desire to die.

senón dun desexo de morrer.

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide

O terceiro desafío que teño cando falo da morte-suicidio do meu fillo

is that I'm talking about mental health --

é que estou falando de saúde mental,

excuse me --

--perdón--

is that I'm talking about mental health,

é que estou falando de saúde mental

or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete.

ou saúde cerebral, como prefiro chamarlle, porque é máis concreto.

And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence.

E ao mesmo tempo, estou a falar de violencia.

The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding

O último que quero facer é contribuír á incomprensión

that already exists around mental illness.

que xa existe arredor das enfermidades mentais.

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness

Só unha pequena porcentaxe da xente que pacede unha enfermidade mental

are violent toward other people,

actúa de xeito violento contra outras persoas,

but of those who die by suicide,

pero daqueles que se suicidan,

it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent

estímase que entre o 75 e talvez máis do 90 por cento

have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

teñen algún tipo de problema mental diagnosticable.

As you all know very well,

Como ben sabedes,

our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,

o noso sistema de saúde non está preparado para axudar a todos

and not everyone with destructive thoughts

e non todo o mundo con pensamentos destrutivos

fits the criteria

cumpre os criterios

for a specific diagnosis.

para un diagnóstico específico.

Many who have ongoing feelings

Moita xente que ten pensamentos constantes

of fear or anger or hopelessness

de medo, enfado ou desesperanza

are never assessed or treated.

nunca é avaliada ou tratada.

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.

A miúdo, só reciben a nosa atención se chegan a ter unha crise.

If estimates are correct

Se son correctos os cálculos que din

that about one to two percent of all suicides

que entre o 1 e o 2% dos suicidios

involves the murder of another person,

supoñen o asasinato doutra persoa,

when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations,

cando as taxas de suicidio soben, como está pasando nalgúns lugares,

the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

as taxas de asasinato e suicidio tamén subirán.

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death,

Eu quería entender o que pasaba pola cabeza do meu fillo antes da súa morte,

so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss.

así que busquei respostas daqueles que sufriran unha perda por suicidio.

I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events,

Investiguei e axudei na recadación de fondos,

and whenever I could,

e sempre que podía,

I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis

falaba con persoas que sobreviviran á súa propia crise suicida

or attempt.

ou intento de suicidio.

One of the most helpful conversations I had

Unha das conversas que máis me axudaron

was with a coworker

foi cunha compañeira

who overheard me talking to someone else

que me oíu falando con outra persoa

in my office cubicle.

na oficina.

She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me

Oíume dicir que non podía ser que Dylan me quixera

if he could do something as horrible as he did.

se puidera facer algo tan horrible coma o que fixera.

Later, when she found me alone,

Máis tarde, cando me atopou soa,

she apologized for overhearing that conversation,

desculpouse por escoitar a conversa,

but told me that I was wrong.

pero díxome que estaba enganada.

She said that when she was a young, single mother

Contoume que cando era unha nai nova e solteira

with three small children,

con tres fillos pequenos,

she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

tivera depresión e fora hospitalizada pola súa propia seguridade.

At the time, she was certain

Naquel momento, ela estaba segura

that her children would be better off if she died,

de que os seus fillos estarían mellor se ela morrese,

so she had made a plan to end her life.

así que decidira acabar coa súa vida.

She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth,

Aseguroume que o amor dunha nai é o vínculo máis forte que hai na Terra

and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,

e que lles quería aos seus fillos máis que a nada no mundo,

but because of her illness,

pero debido á súa enfermidade,

she was sure that they would be better off without her.

estaba segura de que estarían mellor sen ela.

What she said and what I've learned from others

O que me contou e o que aprendín doutros

is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice

é que non tomamos a decisión ou elección

to die by suicide

de suicidarnos

in the same way that we choose what car to drive

do mesmo xeito que escollemos qué coche conducimos

or where to go on a Saturday night.

ou a onde ir un sábado á noite.

When someone is in an extremely suicidal state,

Cando alguén se encontra nun estado suicida extremo,

they are in a stage four medical health emergency.

trátase dunha emerxencia médica.

Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance.

A súa forma de pensar vese alterada e perde os mecanismos de autocontrol.

Even though they can make a plan and act with logic,

Aínda que poden facer un plan e actuar con lóxica,

their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain

a súa percepción vese distorsionada por un filtro de dor

through which they interpret their reality.

a través do cal interpretan a súa realidade.

Some people can be very good at hiding this state,

A algunhas persoas dáselles moi ben esconder este estado,

and they often have good reasons for doing that.

e a miúdo teñen bos motivos para facelo.

Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point,

Moitos de nós temos pensamentos suicidas nun momento ou noutro,

but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide

pero os pensamentos suicidas persistentes,

and devising a means to die

e planear a propia morte

are symptoms of pathology,

son síntomas dunha patoloxía,

and like many illnesses,

e como moitas enfermidades,

the condition has to be recognized and treated

o problema debe ser recoñecido e tratado

before a life is lost.

antes de que se perda unha vida.

But my son's death was not purely a suicide.

Mais a morte do meu fillo non foi só un suicidio.

It involved mass murder.

Foi un asasinato masivo.

I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal.

Eu buscaba comprender como o seu pensamento suicida se volveu homicida.

But research is sparse and there are no simple answers.

Pero hai poucas investigacións e non hai respostas sinxelas.

Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.

Si, seguro que tiña depresión.

He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,

A súa personalidade era perfeccionista e autosuficiente,

and that made him less likely to seek help from others.

e iso facía que non acostumase a pedir axuda a outra xente.

He had experienced triggering events at the school

No colexio sufriu experiencias traumáticas

that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

que lle fixeron sentirse insignificante, humillado e enfadado.

And he had a complicated friendship

E tiña unha amizade complicada

with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation,

cun rapaz que compartía os seus sentimentos de rabia e alienación,

and who was seriously disturbed,

e que estaba moi perturbado, era controlador

controlling and homicidal.

e tiña instinto homicida.

And on top of this period in his life

E por riba de todo isto

of extreme vulnerability and fragility,

neste período de vulnerabilidade e fraxilidade

Dylan found access to guns

Dylan tivo acceso a armas de fogo,

even though we'd never owned any in our home.

aínda que nunca tiveramos unha na casa.

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,

Foi moi fácil para un rapaz de 17 anos comprar armas,

both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge.

tanto legal como ilegalmente, sen que eu o soubera ou lle dera permiso.

And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later,

E por algunha razón, 17 anos e moitos tiroteos en escolas despois,

it's still appallingly easy.

aínda é espantosamente fácil.

What Dylan did that day broke my heart,

O que Dylan fixo ese día rompeume o corazón,

and as trauma so often does,

e como pasa co trauma a miúdo,

it took a toll on my body and on my mind.

causou estragos no meu corpo e na miña mente

Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer,

Dous anos despois do tiroteo, tiven cáncer de mama,

and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.

e dous anos despois diso, comecei a ter problemas mentais.

On top of the constant, perpetual grief

Ademais da tristeza constante

I was terrified that I would run into a family member

aterrábame atoparme con algún familiar

of someone Dylan had killed,

de alguén que Dylan matara,

or be accosted by the press

ou que me abordase a prensa

or by an angry citizen.

ou algún cidadán anoxado.

I was afraid to turn on the news,

Tiña medo de poñer as noticias,

afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

medo de que dixeran que era unha mala nai ou unha persoa noxenta.

I started having panic attacks.

Comecei a sufrir ataques de pánico.

The first bout started four years after the shootings,

A primeira vez foi catro anos despois do tiroteo,

when I was getting ready for the depositions

cando me estaba preparando para testificar

and would have to meet the victims' families face to face.

e ía ter que ver ás familias das vítimas cara a cara.

The second round started six years after the shootings,

A segunda vez comezou seis anos despois do tiroteo,

when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide

cando me estaba preparando para falar en público sobre o suicidio

for the first time at a conference.

por primeira vez, nunha conferencia.

Both episodes lasted several weeks.

Ambos episodios duraron varias semanas.

The attacks happened everywhere:

Os ataques dábanme en calquera lugar:

in the hardware store, in my office,

na ferraxería, na oficina,

or even while reading a book in bed.

ou incluso cando estaba na cama lendo.

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror

A miña mente bloqueábase nun círculo de terror

and no matter how I hard I tried

e por moito que intentase calmarme

to calm myself down or reason my way out of it,

ou razoar o que me pasaba,

I couldn't do it.

non o conseguía.

It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me,

Era coma se o meu cerebro estivese intentando matarme,

and then, being afraid of being afraid

e naquel momento, ter medo de ter medo

consumed all of my thoughts.

consumía todos os meus pensamentos.

That's when I learned firsthand

Daquela aprendín de primeira man

what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind,

o que se sente cando a mente non che funciona ben

and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate.

e foi cando me convertín nunha verdadeira defensora da saúde cerebral.

With therapy and medication and self-care,

Con terapia, medicación e autocoidados,

life eventually returned

co tempo a vida volveu

to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

ao que podería considerase normal nestas circunstancias.

When I looked back on all that had happened,

Cando volvín a vista atrás

I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction

puiden ver que a espiral disfuncional na que caeu o meu fillo

probably occurred over a period of about two years,

probablemente lle ocorrera ao longo dun período de dous anos,

plenty of time to get him help,

tempo abondo para conseguirlle axuda,

if only someone had known that he needed help

se alguén se dera conta de que a precisaba

and known what to do.

e soubera qué facer.

Every time someone asks me,

Cada vez que alguén me pregunta,

"How could you not have known?",

"Como é que non o sabías?",

it feels like a punch in the gut.

síntome coma se me pegasen no estómago.

It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt

Parece unha acusación, e cáusame un sentimento de culpa

that no matter how much therapy I've had

que, a pesar de toda a terapia que fixen,

I will never fully eradicate.

nunca se borra de todo.

But here's something I've learned:

Mais hai algo que aprendín:

if love were enough

se o amor abondara

to stop someone who is suicidal

para evitar que as persoas suicidas

from hurting themselves,

se fixesen dano,

suicides would hardly ever happen.

os suicidios nunca ocorrerían.

But love is not enough,

Pero o amor non basta,

and suicide is prevalent.

e o suicidio é frecuente.

It's the second leading cause of death

É a segunda causa de morte

for people age 10 to 34,

na xente de entre 10 e 34 anos,

and 15 percent of American youth

e o 15 % da mocidade estadounidense

report having made a suicide plan

di que planeou o seu suicidio

in the last year.

no último ano.

I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,

Aprendín que por moito que queiramos crer o contrario

we cannot know or control

non podemos saber ou controlar

everything our loved ones think and feel,

o que senten os nosos seres queridos,

and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,

e a crenza teimuda de que somos distintos,

that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves

de que alguén que nós queremos nunca pensaría en facerse dano

or someone else,

ou facerllo a outra persoa,

can cause us to miss

pode provocar que non vexamos

what's hidden in plain sight.

o que está escondido a simple vista.

And if worst case scenarios do come to pass,

E se a peor das posibilidades sucede,

we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing

temos que aprender a perdoarnos por non saber

or for not asking the right questions

ou por non facer as preguntas correctas

or not finding the right treatment.

ou por non atopar o tratamento adecuado.

We should always assume

Sempre debemos asumir

that someone we love may be suffering,

que alguén que queremos pode estar sufrindo,

regardless of what they say

a pesar do que diga

or how they act.

ou de como actúe.

We should listen with our whole being,

Debemos escoitar con todo o noso ser,

without judgments,

sen xulgar,

and without offering solutions.

e sen ofrecer solucións.

I know that I will live with this tragedy,

Sei que vivirei con esta traxedia,

with these multiple tragedies,

con estas traxedias múltiples,

for the rest of my life.

durante o resto da miña vida.

I know that in the minds of many,

Sei que para moitos,

what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost.

o que eu perdín non se pode comparar co que perderon o resto das familias.

I know my struggle doesn't make theirs any easier.

Sei que o meu sufrimento non fai o deles máis sinxelo.

I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any pain,

Sei que hai incluso xente que pensa que non teño dereito a sufrir,

but only to a life of permanent penance.

só a unha vida de penitencia permanente.

In the end what I know comes down to this:

Ó final, o que sei resúmese nisto:

the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible of us

a tráxica realidade é que incluso os máis responsables e atentos de nós

may not be able to help,

podemos non ser capaces de axudar,

but for love's sake,

pero en nome do amor,

we must never stop trying

non debemos deixar de intentar

to know the unknowable.

saber o que non se pode saber.

Thank you.

Grazas.

(Applause)

(Aplausos)