My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold | TED
12,241,077 views ・ 2017-02-27
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譯者: Regina Chu
審譯者: woo liu
00:12
The last time I heard my son's voice
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我最後一次聽到兒子的聲音,
00:15
was when he walked out the front door
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是他走出大門
00:17
on his way to school.
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準備去學校的時候。
00:20
He called out one word in the darkness:
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他在黑暗中大喊了一個字:
00:23
"Bye."
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「掰!」
00:24
It was April 20, 1999.
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那天是 1999 年四月二十日。
00:28
Later that morning,
at Columbine High School,
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後來那天早上在科倫拜高中,
00:31
my son Dylan and his friend Eric
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我的兒子迪倫和他的朋友
艾瑞克在自殺之前,
00:34
killed 12 students and a teacher
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殺害了十二名學生及一名老師
00:38
and wounded more than 20 others
before taking their own lives.
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並傷了超過二十個人。
00:42
Thirteen innocent people were killed,
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十三位無辜的人被殺,
00:46
leaving their loved ones
in a state of grief and trauma.
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留給他們摯愛的人悲慟與創傷。
00:50
Others sustained injuries,
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其他受傷的人,
00:52
some resulting in disfigurement
and permanent disability.
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有的毀容或終身殘疾。
00:57
But the enormity of the tragedy
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但這滔天巨難,
00:59
can't be measured only by the number
of deaths and injuries that took place.
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無法僅用傷亡的數字來衡量。
01:04
There's no way to quantify
the psychological damage
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我們無法量化
01:07
of those who were in the school,
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當時在校的人,
01:09
or who took part
in rescue or cleanup efforts.
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或參與搶救及善後的人
所受到的心理傷害。
01:14
There's no way to assess
the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,
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我們無法評估像科倫拜
這種慘劇的嚴重性,
01:18
especially when it can be a blueprint
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特別是它之後成為
01:20
for other shooters who go on
to commit atrocities of their own.
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其他槍手起而效尤的藍圖。
01:25
Columbine was a tidal wave,
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科倫拜的事件就像一股浪潮,
01:28
and when the crash ended,
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在巨大的衝擊過後,
01:29
it would take years
for the community and for society
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被影響的社區及社會要花好多年
01:33
to comprehend its impact.
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才能理解這波衝擊的影響。
01:36
It has taken me years
to try to accept my son's legacy.
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我花了好多年去試著
接受兒子遺留下來的慘劇。
01:41
The cruel behavior
that defined the end of his life
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他在結束生命前所做的殘酷行為,
01:44
showed me that he was a completely
different person from the one I knew.
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讓我了解這不是我所認識的他。
01:49
Afterwards people asked,
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在那之後有人問:
01:51
"How could you not know?
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「你怎麼可能不知道?
01:54
What kind of a mother were you?"
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你是什麼樣的母親?」
01:57
I still ask myself those same questions.
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我至今仍問自己同樣的問題。
02:00
Before the shootings,
I thought of myself as a good mom.
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在槍擊案之前,
我以為自己是好媽媽。
02:04
Helping my children become caring,
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協助我的孩子成為有愛心、
02:07
healthy, responsible adults
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健康、負責任的大人,
02:09
was the most important role of my life.
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是我生命中最重要的角色。
02:13
But the tragedy convinced me
that I failed as a parent,
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但是這場悲劇讓我認為
自己是一位失敗的母親,
02:17
and it's partially this sense of failure
that brings me here today.
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而這種失敗的感覺也是
我今天站在這裡的部分原因。
02:23
Aside from his father,
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除了他父親之外,
02:24
I was the one person
who knew and loved Dylan the most.
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我是最瞭解最愛迪倫的人。
02:28
If anyone could have known
what was happening,
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如果有人能事先知道會發生什麼,
02:30
it should have been me, right?
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那個人應該是我,對吧?
02:33
But I didn't know.
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但是我不知道。
02:37
Today, I'm here to share the experience
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今天,我在這裡分享
02:39
of what it's like to be the mother
of someone who kills and hurts.
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身為兇手的母親是什麼樣的感覺。
02:44
For years after the tragedy,
I combed through memories,
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慘案過後的這些年,
我細細整理記憶,
02:47
trying to figure out
exactly where I failed as a parent.
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試著搞清楚我哪裡做錯了,
導致我成為失敗的母親。
02:52
But there are no simple answers.
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但是這個問題
卻沒有一個簡單的答案。
02:54
I can't give you any solutions.
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我不能給你任何解答。
02:57
All I can do
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我能做的
02:59
is share what I have learned.
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就是分享我所學到的事情。
03:03
When I talk to people
who didn't know me before the shootings,
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當我對槍案發生前
不認識我的人演講時,
03:06
I have three challenges to meet.
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我面對三個挑戰。
03:09
First, when I walk into a room like this,
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第一,當我走進像這樣的演講廳,
03:13
I never know if someone there
has experienced loss
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我不知道在座是否有人
因為我兒的所作所為,
03:16
because of what my son did.
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而經歷喪親之痛。
03:19
I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering
caused by a member of my family
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我覺得我有必要接受這種
因為我的家人而造成的痛苦,
03:24
who isn't here to do it for himself.
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即使他現在不能親自做這件事。
03:26
So first, with all of my heart,
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所以首先,若是我的兒子
造成你的痛苦,
03:30
I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.
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我全心全意的在此致歉。
03:35
The second challenge I have
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我的第二項挑戰,
03:37
is that I must ask for understanding
and even compassion
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是當我要說我兒子是自殺死的,
03:42
when I talk about
my son's death as a suicide.
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我必須請求大家的諒解甚至同情。
03:46
Two years before he died,
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他過世前兩年,
03:48
he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook
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他在筆記本的紙上寫著
03:50
that he was cutting himself.
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他在割自己。
03:53
He said that he was in agony
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他說他很苦惱
03:54
and wanted to get a gun
so he could end his life.
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而且想要找把槍了結自己。
03:57
I didn't know about any of this
until months after his death.
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我一直到他死後幾個月
才知道這件事情。
04:02
When I talk about his death as a suicide,
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當我說他的死因是自殺時,
04:05
I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness
he showed at the end of his life.
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我不是在試著淡化
他在自我了結時顯示的殘酷。
04:10
I'm trying to understand
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我是在嘗試瞭解
04:12
how his suicidal thinking
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他的自殺念頭
04:14
led to murder.
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怎麼變成謀殺。
04:16
After a lot of reading
and talking with experts,
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在讀了很多文章並跟專家交談後,
04:20
I have come to believe
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我開始相信
04:21
that his involvement in the shootings
was rooted not in his desire to kill
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他參與這場槍擊案的原因
不是因為他想殺人,
04:27
but in his desire to die.
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而是他渴望著死去。
04:30
The third challenge I have
when I talk about my son's murder-suicide
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我談到兒子的「殺人後自盡」
所面臨的第三個挑戰,
04:35
is that I'm talking about mental health --
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是我在談心理健康──
04:39
excuse me --
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抱歉──
04:40
is that I'm talking about mental health,
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是我在談心理健康,
04:43
or brain health, as I prefer to call it,
because it's more concrete.
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我比較喜歡稱它為腦部健康,
因為這樣說起來更具體。
04:47
And in the same breath,
I'm talking about violence.
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然而緊接著,我又在談暴力。
04:51
The last thing I want to do
is to contribute to the misunderstanding
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我最不想做的,
就是對精神疾病已有的成見
04:54
that already exists around mental illness.
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再添上一筆成見。
04:58
Only a very small percent of those
who have a mental illness
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只有極少比例的精神疾病患者
05:02
are violent toward other people,
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對別人有暴力傾向,
05:06
but of those who die by suicide,
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但是那些自殺的人,
05:09
it's estimated that about 75
to maybe more than 90 percent
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估計有 75%,甚至超過 90%
05:14
have a diagnosable
mental health condition of some kind.
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患有可被診斷出的精神問題。
05:18
As you all know very well,
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你們都很清楚,
05:19
our mental health care system
is not equipped to help everyone,
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我們的精神健康照護系統
無法幫助每一個人,
05:23
and not everyone with destructive thoughts
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而且不是每一個具破壞性思想的人
05:26
fits the criteria
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都符合
05:28
for a specific diagnosis.
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特定診療標準。
05:31
Many who have ongoing feelings
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很多持續感覺
05:33
of fear or anger or hopelessness
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恐懼或生氣或無望的人,
05:36
are never assessed or treated.
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從未經歷評估或治療。
05:39
Too often, they get our attention
only if they reach a behavioral crisis.
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常見的狀況是,我們在他們
出現行為危機時才會注意到他們。
05:45
If estimates are correct
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如果估計是正確的,
05:47
that about one
to two percent of all suicides
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約有百分之一或二的自殺事件中
05:50
involves the murder of another person,
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會涉及謀殺另外一個人。
05:53
when suicide rates rise,
as they are rising for some populations,
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現在某些族群中,當自殺率升高時,
05:58
the murder-suicide rates
will rise as well.
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殺人後自盡的比率也跟著升高。
06:02
I wanted to understand what was going on
in Dylan's mind prior to his death,
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我想了解迪倫
死前腦中到底在想什麼,
06:07
so I looked for answers
from other survivors of suicide loss.
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所以我從自殺倖存者中尋找答案。
06:13
I did research and volunteered
to help with fund-raising events,
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我做研究,也去當募款活動志工,
06:18
and whenever I could,
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我一有機會,
06:19
I talked with those who had
survived their own suicidal crisis
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就會跟自殺未遂的人交談。
06:24
or attempt.
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06:26
One of the most helpful
conversations I had
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其中一場極有幫助的交談,
06:28
was with a coworker
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是我的一位同事
06:30
who overheard me talking to someone else
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在我的辦公室隔間
06:32
in my office cubicle.
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無意中聽見我跟別人的談話。
06:34
She heard me say
that Dylan could not have loved me
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她聽到我說迪倫並不愛我,
06:38
if he could do something
as horrible as he did.
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因為他做了這麼可怕的事。
06:41
Later, when she found me alone,
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之後,當她發現沒人在我旁邊時,
06:44
she apologized for overhearing
that conversation,
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她跟我道歉說她偷聽到那場對話,
06:47
but told me that I was wrong.
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然後跟我說我錯了。
06:49
She said that when she was
a young, single mother
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她說她以前曾是年輕的單親媽媽,
06:52
with three small children,
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並且有三個小孩,
06:54
she became severely depressed
and was hospitalized to keep her safe.
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她變得嚴重抑鬱,
且為了生命安全而住院。
06:59
At the time, she was certain
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那個時候,她很確信
07:02
that her children
would be better off if she died,
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如果她死了,她的小孩會過得更好,
07:05
so she had made a plan to end her life.
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所以她計畫要了結生命。
07:08
She assured me that a mother's love
was the strongest bond on Earth,
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她跟我保證母愛是世上最強的聯繫,
07:12
and that she loved her children
more than anything in the world,
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她愛她的孩子超過世上任何東西,
07:16
but because of her illness,
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但是因為她的病,
07:18
she was sure that they
would be better off without her.
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她確信沒有她他們會過得更好。
07:23
What she said and what
I've learned from others
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從她所說及我從其他人身上學到的,
07:25
is that we do not make
the so-called decision or choice
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是我們對所謂
自殺的決定或選擇,
07:30
to die by suicide
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07:32
in the same way
that we choose what car to drive
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跟我們選擇要開什麼車
07:35
or where to go on a Saturday night.
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或星期六晚上要去哪裡玩不一樣。
07:38
When someone is
in an extremely suicidal state,
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當某人處在極度想自殺的狀態,
07:41
they are in a stage four
medical health emergency.
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他們就屬於美國
檢傷分類的「緊急」情況。
07:46
Their thinking is impaired and they've
lost access to tools of self-governance.
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他們的思考受損,
並失去自我管理能力。
07:52
Even though they can
make a plan and act with logic,
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就算他們能制定計畫
並且依照邏輯行動,
07:55
their sense of truth
is distorted by a filter of pain
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他們對真相的感受會被痛苦扭曲,
07:59
through which they
interpret their reality.
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並用痛苦的眼光看待現實。
08:02
Some people can be very good
at hiding this state,
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有些人很會隱藏這種狀態,
08:06
and they often have
good reasons for doing that.
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而且他們通常
都有很好的理由這麼做。
08:10
Many of us have
suicidal thoughts at some point,
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很多人都曾經有過自殺的念頭,
08:13
but persistent,
ongoing thoughts of suicide
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但是持續不斷的自殺念頭,
08:17
and devising a means to die
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並且策劃死亡方法
08:19
are symptoms of pathology,
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是一種病徵。
08:21
and like many illnesses,
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這就像許多疾病一樣,
08:23
the condition has to be
recognized and treated
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我們必須在失去另一條生命前,
08:27
before a life is lost.
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認出並治療這種狀況。
08:30
But my son's death
was not purely a suicide.
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但是我兒子的死並非單純的自殺。
08:34
It involved mass murder.
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它還牽涉了屠殺。
08:36
I wanted to know how his
suicidal thinking became homicidal.
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我想知道他的自殺念頭
怎麼變成濫殺的念頭。
08:43
But research is sparse
and there are no simple answers.
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但是這方面的研究很少,
也沒有簡單的答案。
08:48
Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.
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是的,他大概有持續性的憂鬱症。
08:52
He had a personality
that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,
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他有完美主義及獨立自主的個性,
08:58
and that made him less likely
to seek help from others.
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而這些使他不太可能
尋求別人的幫助。
09:03
He had experienced
triggering events at the school
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他在學校經歷數個導火線事件,
09:07
that left him feeling
debased and humiliated and mad.
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讓他感到被貶低、受辱及憤怒。
09:13
And he had a complicated friendship
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而且他和另一個男生
有複雜的友誼關係,
09:17
with a boy who shared his feelings
of rage and alienation,
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這個同學會和他訴說
他感受到的憤怒及疏離感,
09:21
and who was seriously disturbed,
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且這個同學受人厭
09:24
controlling and homicidal.
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有控制慾並有殺人的傾向。
09:28
And on top of this period in his life
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在這段他處於
09:30
of extreme vulnerability and fragility,
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極度脆弱狀態的期間,
09:35
Dylan found access to guns
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迪倫有機會取得槍枝,
09:37
even though we'd never
owned any in our home.
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即使我們家從來沒有這種東西。
09:40
It was appallingly easy
for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,
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很顯然的,一位 17 歲男孩
非常容易購買槍枝,
09:45
both legally and illegally,
without my permission or knowledge.
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無論合法或不合法,
都不需要我的同意或確認。
09:51
And somehow, 17 years
and many school shootings later,
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17 年過去了,這期間
又發生過許多起校園槍擊案,
09:56
it's still appallingly easy.
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購買槍枝仍然是件容易的事。
10:00
What Dylan did that day broke my heart,
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迪倫那天所做的事讓我心碎,
10:05
and as trauma so often does,
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就像經歷創傷常常有的後果,
10:06
it took a toll on my body and on my mind.
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它使我身心俱疲。
10:11
Two years after the shootings,
I got breast cancer,
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槍案二年後,我得了乳癌,
10:15
and two years after that,
I began to have mental health problems.
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再兩年之後,我開始出現精神問題。
10:20
On top of the constant, perpetual grief
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除了源源不絕的悲痛,
10:23
I was terrified that I would run
into a family member
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我還非常害怕會碰到
10:27
of someone Dylan had killed,
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被害人的家屬,
10:29
or be accosted by the press
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或是媒體或忿怒的老百姓來搭話。
10:31
or by an angry citizen.
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10:34
I was afraid to turn on the news,
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我害怕打開新聞,
10:37
afraid to hear myself being called
a terrible parent or a disgusting person.
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好怕聽到我被人叫成
可怕的母親或可憎的人。
10:45
I started having panic attacks.
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我開始出現恐慌發作。
10:49
The first bout started
four years after the shootings,
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第一次發作是在槍案後第四年發生,
10:53
when I was getting ready
for the depositions
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當時我準備要作證
10:55
and would have to meet
the victims' families face to face.
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並與被害人的家屬面對面的相見。
10:59
The second round started
six years after the shootings,
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第二次發作是在槍擊案後第六年,
11:02
when I was preparing
to speak publicly about murder-suicide
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當時我準備要在研討會上
11:06
for the first time at a conference.
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公開演說有關於殺人後自盡的事情。
11:09
Both episodes lasted several weeks.
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兩次發作都持續幾個星期。
11:13
The attacks happened everywhere:
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恐慌在任何地方都有可能發作:
11:16
in the hardware store, in my office,
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在五金器材行、辦公室、
11:19
or even while reading a book in bed.
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甚至在床上閱讀都會。
11:22
My mind would suddenly lock
into this spinning cycle of terror
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我的心會突然陷入一陣陣的恐懼,
11:27
and no matter how I hard I tried
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無論我多努力嘗試
11:29
to calm myself down
or reason my way out of it,
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安撫自己或說服自己脫離恐懼,
11:33
I couldn't do it.
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我就是做不到。
11:36
It felt as if my brain
was trying to kill me,
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這個感覺就像是
我的腦子要把我殺掉,
11:39
and then, being afraid of being afraid
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然後,對恐懼的恐懼
11:42
consumed all of my thoughts.
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吞噬了我所有的思考。
11:45
That's when I learned firsthand
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那是我第一次感受到
11:46
what it feels like
to have a malfunctioning mind,
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有一個無法正常運作的頭腦
是什麼樣的感覺,
11:50
and that's when I truly
became a brain health advocate.
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這也是促使我成為
腦部健康倡導者的時刻。
11:55
With therapy and medication and self-care,
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透過治療、藥物及自我護理,
11:58
life eventually returned
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生活終於回到
12:00
to whatever could be thought of
as normal under the circumstances.
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在當時的情況下能夠
稱為正常的狀態。
12:05
When I looked back
on all that had happened,
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我回頭看過去發生的一切,
12:07
I could see that my son's
spiral into dysfunction
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我可以看到我的兒子
12:11
probably occurred
over a period of about two years,
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在大概兩年的時間內急遽失能。
12:15
plenty of time to get him help,
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要是有人知道他需要幫助,
12:18
if only someone had known
that he needed help
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也知道怎麼幫忙他,
12:21
and known what to do.
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兩年其實是一段足夠的時間。
12:27
Every time someone asks me,
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每次有人問我,
12:30
"How could you not have known?",
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「你怎麼可能不知道?」
12:32
it feels like a punch in the gut.
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我就像肚子被狠狠的揍了一拳。
12:35
It carries accusation
and taps into my feelings of guilt
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這句話帶著指控,
狠狠的刺進我的罪惡感。
12:40
that no matter how much therapy I've had
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而無論我去做多少治療,
12:42
I will never fully eradicate.
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也無法完全抹去這個罪惡感。
12:45
But here's something I've learned:
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但是我學到一點:
12:48
if love were enough
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如果愛足以
12:50
to stop someone who is suicidal
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讓某人打消自殺念頭,
12:52
from hurting themselves,
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不去傷害別人,
12:54
suicides would hardly ever happen.
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自殺就不容易發生了。
12:58
But love is not enough,
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但是有愛還不夠,
13:01
and suicide is prevalent.
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而自殺也很普遍。
13:03
It's the second leading cause of death
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自殺是 10 歲到 34 歲的人
13:06
for people age 10 to 34,
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第二大死因。
13:09
and 15 percent of American youth
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而 15% 的美國青少年
13:12
report having made a suicide plan
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表示在過去一年曾有自殺計畫。
13:14
in the last year.
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13:17
I've learned that no matter
how much we want to believe we can,
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我學到無論我們
多想相信我們做得到,
13:22
we cannot know or control
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我們其實不知道或不能控制
13:25
everything our loved ones think and feel,
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所愛之人的思想及感覺,
13:28
and the stubborn belief
that we are somehow different,
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而我們執著地相信自己跟別人不同,
13:32
that someone we love
would never think of hurting themselves
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我們所愛的人絕不會想傷害自己
13:35
or someone else,
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或別人。
13:37
can cause us to miss
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這會讓我們看不見
13:39
what's hidden in plain sight.
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隱藏在光天化日下的事實。
13:43
And if worst case scenarios
do come to pass,
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如果最壞的情況真的發生了,
13:48
we'll have to learn
to forgive ourselves for not knowing
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我們必須學習原諒自己不知道,
13:52
or for not asking the right questions
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或沒有問到對的問題,
13:54
or not finding the right treatment.
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或沒有找到適合的治療方式。
13:59
We should always assume
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我們應該假設某位
14:00
that someone we love may be suffering,
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所愛的人可能正處在痛苦中,
14:03
regardless of what they say
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不論他們說什麼
14:06
or how they act.
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或表現出什麼。
14:08
We should listen with our whole being,
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我們應該用心聽,
14:11
without judgments,
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但不要論斷,
14:13
and without offering solutions.
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也不要給予解決方法。
14:19
I know that I will live with this tragedy,
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我知道我會帶著這個悲劇活下去,
14:22
with these multiple tragedies,
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帶著這些悲劇
14:24
for the rest of my life.
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渡過餘生。
14:27
I know that in the minds of many,
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我知道在許多人心中,
14:32
what I lost can't compare
to what the other families lost.
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我失去的無法
跟其它家庭失去的比較。
14:38
I know my struggle
doesn't make theirs any easier.
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我知道我的掙扎
也不能讓他們好過一點。
14:42
I know there are even some who think
I don't have the right to any pain,
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我知道有人甚至認為
我根本沒有痛苦的權利,
14:48
but only to a life of permanent penance.
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只有無窮無盡的懺悔。
14:53
In the end what I know comes down to this:
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最後我所認知到的是:
14:57
the tragic fact is that even
the most vigilant and responsible of us
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不幸的事實是,
我們就算再警覺再負責,
15:03
may not be able to help,
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也有可能幫不上忙。
15:06
but for love's sake,
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但是為了愛的緣故,
15:08
we must never stop trying
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我們絕不可停止嘗試
15:11
to know the unknowable.
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去了解現實背後的未知情形。
15:13
Thank you.
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謝謝。
15:14
(Applause)
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(掌聲)
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