My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold | TED

Translator: Lingyan Ning Reviewer: Sylvia He

The last time I heard my son's voice

我最後一次聽到我仔把聲

was when he walked out the front door

佢出緊前門

on his way to school.

去返學

He called out one word in the darkness:

門口好黑，佢就講咗一個字

"Bye."

「拜。」

It was April 20, 1999.

1999 年

4 月 20 號朝早

Later that morning, at Columbine High School,

我個仔迪倫同佢朋友艾瑞克

my son Dylan and his friend Eric

喺科倫拜高中

killed 12 students and a teacher

殺咗 12 個學生同一個老師

and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives.

傷咗 20 幾個人之後自殺

Thirteen innocent people were killed,

13 個無辜嘅人被殺

leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma.

留畀佢哋嘅親友 無限悲痛同創傷

Others sustained injuries,

其他傷者

some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.

有人毁咗容，有人終生殘廢

But the enormity of the tragedy

但係，呢個慘案嘅危害性

can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.

唔可以用傷亡人數來衡量

There's no way to quantify the psychological damage

我哋亦冇辦法去衡量佢

of those who were in the school,

對喺學校嘅目擊人同參與救援

or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

同清理嘅人造成嘅心裡創傷

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,

亦冇辦法估量其他人模仿

especially when it can be a blueprint

呢個槍殺案

for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.

會造成嘅影響

Columbine was a tidal wave,

科倫拜慘案係個大浪

and when the crash ended,

風波之後，社會需要好耐來

it would take years for the community and for society

to comprehend its impact.

消化、理解同認識佢嘅影響

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy.

我用咗好多年來接受

我個仔留低嘅問題

The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life

暴行定義咗佢最後嘅人生

showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.

佢已經唔係我識嗰個人

Afterwards people asked,

修尾有人問我

"How could you not know?

「你點解會唔知？

What kind of a mother were you?"

你到底點做媽咪？」

I still ask myself those same questions.

我都猛咁問自己

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom.

槍擊案之前，我自認係個好媽咪

Helping my children become caring,

幫助我啲仔女成為體貼

healthy, responsible adults

健康、負責嘅成年人

was the most important role of my life.

係我一世人最重要嘅角色

But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent,

但係呢個悲劇話我知 我做媽咪好失敗

and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.

挫敗感使我今日企喺呢度

Aside from his father,

除咗佢嘅爸爸

I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.

我係最了解同最愛迪倫嘅人

If anyone could have known what was happening,

假使有人可以預料到呢件事

it should have been me, right?

嗰個人應該係我，係咪？

But I didn't know.

但係我唔知

Today, I'm here to share the experience

今日，我想分享下我作為

of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.

一個殺人兇手嘅媽咪嘅感受

For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories,

慘案之後好多年

我猛咁梳理我啲記憶

trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.

諗我到底做錯咗咩

But there are no simple answers.

我揾唔到明確嘅答案

I can't give you any solutions.

亦冇任何解決方案

All I can do

我可以做嘅，唯有

is share what I have learned.

同你哋分享我嘅經驗同教訓

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings,

同槍擊案之後 先識我嘅人傾偈時

I have three challenges to meet.

我要面對三個挑戰

First, when I walk into a room like this,

第一，我行入類似宜家間房時

I never know if someone there has experienced loss

我冇辦法知道，有冇人因為我嘅仔

because of what my son did.

受到過傷害

I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family

我要承認我個仔

who isn't here to do it for himself.

造成咗嘅災難

So first, with all of my heart,

首先，我誠摯咁

I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

為我個仔對你哋 造成嘅傷害道歉

The second challenge I have

第二個挑戰

is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion

係我講我個仔 係死於自殺時

when I talk about my son's death as a suicide.

我需要你哋嘅諒解，甚至同情

Two years before he died,

喺佢過身前兩年

he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook

佢曾經喺本日記度寫

that he was cutting himself.

佢係度自殘

He said that he was in agony

佢話佢好痛苦

and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.

想摞把槍了結自己

I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

我喺佢死後幾個月先知道

When I talk about his death as a suicide,

我講我個仔係自殺時

I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life.

唔係想減輕佢嘅罪過

I'm trying to understand

我只係試圖去理解

how his suicidal thinking

點解佢自殺嘅意圖

led to murder.

會導致一場屠殺

After a lot of reading and talking with experts,

讀咗好多文章，同資訊專家之後

I have come to believe

我逐漸相信

that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill

佢策劃槍擊案唔係想殺人

but in his desire to die.

而係想自殺

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide

講我個仔嘅自殺謀殺時 第三個挑戰

is that I'm talking about mental health --

就係講心理健康

excuse me --

唔好意思

is that I'm talking about mental health,

就係講心理健康

or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete.

稱為大腦健康會更準確

And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence.

同时，我亦係度講緊暴力

The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding

我當然唔想加重

that already exists around mental illness.

大家對心理疾病嘅誤解

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness

只有好少有心理疾病嘅人

are violent toward other people,

對其他人有暴力傾向

but of those who die by suicide,

但係，自殺嘅群體

it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent

有 75%，甚至 90%

have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

有可以被診斷嘅心理健康狀況

As you all know very well,

眾所周知，我哋嘅心理健康

our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,

醫療機制照顧唔到每一個人

and not everyone with destructive thoughts

同時，唔係每個有破壞性傾向嘅人

fits the criteria

都會診斷到嘅

for a specific diagnosis.

心理病

Many who have ongoing feelings

好多覺得恐懼、憤怒、或者絕望嘅人

of fear or anger or hopelessness

從來都冇

are never assessed or treated.

俾診斷或者治療過

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.

等到有行為危機時 我哋先注意到佢哋

If estimates are correct

根據統計數據

that about one to two percent of all suicides

大概百分之一到二嘅自殺

involves the murder of another person,

會導致另一個人嘅死亡

when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations,

一個群體嘅自殺率上升時

the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

佢嘅自殺加謀殺率亦會上升

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death,

我好想了解，迪倫喺死前諗緊咩

so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss.

於是我去研究啲自殺未遂嘅人

I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events,

我做調查，又幫手籌款

and whenever I could,

一有機會

I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis

就同啲自殺未遂

or attempt.

或者有自殺傾向嘅人倾偈

One of the most helpful conversations I had

我一個同事

was with a coworker

畀我好大嘅啟發

who overheard me talking to someone else

佢之前喺辦公室

in my office cubicle.

偶然聽到我同人講

She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me

迪倫肯定唔愛我，唔係嘅話

if he could do something as horrible as he did.

佢點會做出咁恐怖嘅事

Later, when she found me alone,

之後，我呢個同事單獨嚟搵我

she apologized for overhearing that conversation,

佢話，唔好意思，無意中聽到我講嘢

but told me that I was wrong.

同時間話我知，我係錯嘅

She said that when she was a young, single mother

佢係個後生嘅單身媽咪時

with three small children,

佢要湊住三個細蚊仔

she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

佢變得好抑鬱，需要住院來確保安全

At the time, she was certain

嗰個時候，佢堅信

that her children would be better off if she died,

如果佢死咗，佢嘅细路仔會更好

so she had made a plan to end her life.

於是佢準備自殺

She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth,

佢話，母愛係世界上最堅韌嘅紐帶

and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,

佢愛佢嘅仔女，多於世上嘅一切

but because of her illness,

但係因為佢個病

she was sure that they would be better off without her.

佢堅信佢啲仔女冇佢仲好

What she said and what I've learned from others

我從佢同其他人身上學到

is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice

我哋對自殺嘅抉擇

to die by suicide

同我哋諗買邊駕車

in the same way that we choose what car to drive

或者星期六去邊度玩嘅嗰種選擇

or where to go on a Saturday night.

係好唔同

When someone is in an extremely suicidal state,

喺一個人極度想自殺時

they are in a stage four medical health emergency.

佢處於最嚴重嘅醫學緊急狀態

Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance.

佢嘅思考能力受損，冇曬自律能力

Even though they can make a plan and act with logic,

儘管佢哋計劃同執行時好有逻辑

their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain

佢嘅是非觀已經俾痛苦扭曲

through which they interpret their reality.

呢種痛苦改變咗 佢哋對現實嘅理解

Some people can be very good at hiding this state,

有哋人好識掩飾自己

and they often have good reasons for doing that.

因為迫不得已

Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point,

好多人都諗過自殺

but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide

如果呢個念頭揮之唔去

and devising a means to die

仲會諗點去執行

are symptoms of pathology,

呢就好似其他疾病

and like many illnesses,

係一種病態

the condition has to be recognized and treated

呢種病況需要、喺仲有得救時

before a life is lost.

辨認同治療

But my son's death was not purely a suicide.

但係我個仔唔單止自殺

It involved mass murder.

佢仲導致咗一場屠殺

I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal.

我想知，佢嘅自殺傾向 點變成謀殺傾向

But research is sparse and there are no simple answers.

呢方面嘅研究好少

冇簡單同直接嘅答案

Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.

冇錯，佢一直都有抑鬱症

He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,

佢係個完美主義者，唔鍾意依靠人

and that made him less likely to seek help from others.

佢嘅性格使佢 好少向其他人求助

He had experienced triggering events at the school

佢曾經喺學校經歷過使佢覺得

that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

羞愧，屈辱同憤怒嘅觸發事件

And he had a complicated friendship

而且，佢同一個 係憤怒同孤獨嘅男仔

with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation,

有個複雜嘅關係

and who was seriously disturbed,

呢個男仔處於極度不安嘅狀態

controlling and homicidal.

有強烈嘅控制慾同嗜殺慾

And on top of this period in his life

喺佢哋人生裡邊

of extreme vulnerability and fragility,

最脆弱嘅時候

Dylan found access to guns

即使我哋屋企冇槍

even though we'd never owned any in our home.

迪倫都有其他渠道摞到咗槍支

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,

一個十七歲嘅男仔，合法或者非法

both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge.

唔使我知道或允許 就輕易摞到槍支

And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later,

過去十七年嚟嘅校園槍擊

it's still appallingly easy.

買賣槍支依然係 令人膽寒嘅容易

What Dylan did that day broke my heart,

迪倫嗰日做嘅嘢令我心碎

and as trauma so often does,

創傷就係有咁嘅後果

it took a toll on my body and on my mind.

時刻折磨住我嘅身心

Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer,

槍擊事件後兩年，我得咗乳腺癌

and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.

再過咗两年，我得咗心理病

On top of the constant, perpetual grief

同永久嘅悲哀

I was terrified that I would run into a family member

我好驚我會撞見

of someone Dylan had killed,

被害人嘅家屬

or be accosted by the press

或者媒體

or by an angry citizen.

或者一個憤怒嘅市民

I was afraid to turn on the news,

我怕開電視睇新聞

afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

驚人哋鬧我衰，鬧我核突

I started having panic attacks.

我開始有恐慌發作

The first bout started four years after the shootings,

第一發作喺槍擊案後四年

when I was getting ready for the depositions

我準備去法庭作證

and would have to meet the victims' families face to face.

要面對被害人家屬嗰

The second round started six years after the shootings,

第二次發作，喺槍擊案後六年

when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide

我生來第一次

for the first time at a conference.

公開參加討論自殺加謀殺

Both episodes lasted several weeks.

兩次發作，每次延續幾個星期

The attacks happened everywhere:

恐慌發作隨時會發生

in the hardware store, in my office,

喺五金店，喺寫字樓

or even while reading a book in bed.

甚至喺床上睇書嗰時

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror

我會突然充滿恐懼

and no matter how I hard I tried

無論我點試住

to calm myself down or reason my way out of it,

冷靜落來

I couldn't do it.

我做唔到

It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me,

感覺好似，我嘅大腦整死我

and then, being afraid of being afraid

之後，我一直

consumed all of my thoughts.

好驚自己咁驚

That's when I learned firsthand

呢個就係我嘅

what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind,

大腦失常嘅親身經歷

and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate.

所以，我係大腦健康嘅擁護者

With therapy and medication and self-care,

用藥物治療同自我護理

life eventually returned

我嘅生活慢慢返到正軌

to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

變到相對嘅正常

When I looked back on all that had happened,

我諗下過去， 逐漸明白

I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction

我個仔臨死前兩年可能

probably occurred over a period of about two years,

因為機能失調過得好辛苦

plenty of time to get him help,

嗰時，哪怕有一個人知道佢需要幫助

if only someone had known that he needed help

又知道點做

and known what to do.

兩年時間咁長，肯定有機會幫到佢

Every time someone asks me,

每一次有人問我

"How could you not have known?",

「你點會唔知？」

it feels like a punch in the gut.

好似重重一拳打落我個心度

It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt

指責我，引發我嘅負罪感

that no matter how much therapy I've had

無論我接受幾多治療

I will never fully eradicate.

永遠都唔會完全好返

But here's something I've learned:

從中我學到

if love were enough

如果愛就夠曬

to stop someone who is suicidal

去打消一個人自殺

from hurting themselves,

同傷人嘅念頭

suicides would hardly ever happen.

咁自殺就幾乎唔會發生

But love is not enough,

但係如果有愛仲唔夠

and suicide is prevalent.

咁自殺會普遍咁發生

It's the second leading cause of death

自殺喺 10 至 34 歲嘅群體

for people age 10 to 34,

係第二大致死原因

舊年 2016 年

and 15 percent of American youth

report having made a suicide plan

百分之十五嘅美國青少年

in the last year.

話自己計劃過自殺

I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,

我認識到，無論我哋幾想做到

我哋永遠都唔知道，亦控制唔到

we cannot know or control

我哋愛嘅人嘅所有諗法同感覺

everything our loved ones think and feel,

我哋堅信，我哋同其他人唔同

and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,

所以我愛嘅人唔會去自殘

that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves

or someone else,

或者傷害其他人

can cause us to miss

呢個觀念會導致我哋忽視

what's hidden in plain sight.

平靜嘅表面下邊嘅嘢

And if worst case scenarios do come to pass,

假使最壞嘅事發生咗

we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing

我哋要學識 原諒自己唔知嘅嘢

原諒自己冇發現嘅問題

or for not asking the right questions

or not finding the right treatment.

原諒自己冇搵到對策

We should always assume

我哋應該假設

that someone we love may be suffering,

我哋所愛嘅人可能受緊折磨

regardless of what they say

即使佢嘅言行

or how they act.

好正常

We should listen with our whole being,

我哋應該用成個身心咁

without judgments,

唔帶任何偏見咁

and without offering solutions.

未必畀到解決方法咁去傾聽

I know that I will live with this tragedy,

我好清楚，我成世都

會帶著呢個悲劇

with these multiple tragedies,

for the rest of my life.

呢幾個悲劇，一直行落去

I know that in the minds of many,

我知道，好多人諗

what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost.

我嘅損失嘅 遠唔及受害者家屬

我嘅掙扎 唔會減輕佢哋嘅痛苦

I know my struggle doesn't make theirs any easier.

I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any pain,

有人認為，我冇痛苦嘅權利

只有用成世去贖罪

but only to a life of permanent penance.

In the end what I know comes down to this:

我嘅總結係

the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible of us

我哋就算再負責再警覺

may not be able to help,

最尾都可能 防止唔到悲劇嘅發生

but for love's sake,

但係為咗愛

we must never stop trying

我哋絕唔可以放棄嘗試

to know the unknowable.

去了解現實背後嘅未知

Thank you.

多謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）