My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold | TED

Translator: Kamilla Christiansen Reviewer: Sune Vilsted Østergaard

The last time I heard my son's voice

Sidste gang, jeg hørte min søns stemme

was when he walked out the front door

var da han gik ud ad hoveddøren

on his way to school.

på vej i skole.

He called out one word in the darkness:

Han råbte ét ord i mørket:

"Bye."

"Farvel."

It was April 20, 1999.

Det var d. 20. april 1999.

Later that morning, at Columbine High School,

Senere den morgen på Columbine High School

my son Dylan and his friend Eric

gik min søn, Dylan, og hans ven, Eric,

killed 12 students and a teacher

ind og dræbte tolv studerende, og en lærer,

and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives.

og sårede mere end tyve andre,

før de tog deres eget liv.

Thirteen innocent people were killed,

13 uskyldige mennesker blev dræbt

leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma.

og efterlod deres pårørerende traumatiserede og i sorg.

Others sustained injuries,

Andre fik svære skader,

some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.

nogle resulterede i vansiring og varig funktionsnedsættelse.

But the enormity of the tragedy

Men omfanget af tragedien

can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.

kan ikke kun måles i antallet af dødsfald og skader, der fandt sted.

There's no way to quantify the psychological damage

Man kan ikke kvantificere de psykiske mén

of those who were in the school,

for de som var på skolen,

or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

eller de som bidrog til redningen og oprydningsindsatsen.

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,

Der er ingen måde at vurdere størrelsen af en tragedie som Columbine,

especially when it can be a blueprint

særligt når hændelsen kan blive en skabelon

for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.

for andre skytter, der går ud for at begå grusomheder på egen hånd.

Columbine was a tidal wave,

Columbine var en flodbølge,

and when the crash ended,

og da braget var forbi

it would take years for the community and for society

ville det tage årevis for lokalmiljøet og samfundet

to comprehend its impact.

at forstå dens effekter.

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy.

Det har taget mig år at forsøge at acceptere min søns eftermæle.

The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life

Den ondskabsfulde adfærd, der definerede hans livs slutning

showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.

viste mig, at han var en helt anden person end den, jeg kendte.

Afterwards people asked,

Bagefter spurgte folk:

"How could you not know?

"Hvordan kunne du ikke vide det?"

What kind of a mother were you?"

"Hvilken slags mor var du?"

I still ask myself those same questions.

Jeg stiller stadig mig selv samme spørgsmål.

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom.

Før skyderierne, opfattede jeg mig selv som en god mor.

Helping my children become caring,

At hjælpe mine børn med at blive omsorgsfulde,

healthy, responsible adults

sunde, ansvarlige voksne

was the most important role of my life.

var den vigtigste rolle i mit liv.

But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent,

Men tragedien overbeviste mig om, at jeg havde fejlet som forælder

and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.

og det er delvist dette nederlag, der har bragt mig hertil i dag.

Aside from his father,

Bortset fra hans far,

I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.

var jeg den person, der kendte og elskede Dylan mest.

If anyone could have known what was happening,

Hvis nogen kunne have vidst, hvad der foregik,

it should have been me, right?

så burde det have været mig, ikke?

But I didn't know.

Men jeg vidste det ikke.

Today, I'm here to share the experience

Jeg er her for at dele min erfaring af,

of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.

hvad det vil sige, at være mor til en person, der dræber og gør fortæd.

For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories,

I flere år efter tragedien gennemgik jeg mine minder

trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.

i et forsøg på at forstå præcis hvor jeg fejlede som forælder.

But there are no simple answers.

Men der er ingen simple svar.

I can't give you any solutions.

Jeg kan ikke give jer en enkel løsning.

All I can do

Det eneste, jeg kan,

is share what I have learned.

er at dele, hvad jeg har lært.

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings,

Når jeg snakker med mennesker, som ikke kendte mig før skyderierne,

I have three challenges to meet.

står jeg foran tre udfordringer.

First, when I walk into a room like this,

For det første: når jeg træder ind i et rum som dette,

I never know if someone there has experienced loss

ved jeg aldrig om en tilstedeværende har oplevet tab

because of what my son did.

på grund af min søns handlinger.

I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family

Jeg føler, jeg bør erkende den lidelse, mit familiemedlem har forårsaget,

who isn't here to do it for himself.

når han ikke er her til at gøre det selv.

So first, with all of my heart,

Så først og fremmest, af hele mit hjerte;

I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

jeg beklager dybt, hvis min søn har forvoldt dig smerte.

The second challenge I have

Min anden udfordring

is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion

er, at jeg må bede om forståelse, selv medfølelse,

when I talk about my son's death as a suicide.

når jeg beskriver min søns død, som et selvmord.

Two years before he died,

To år før han døde,

he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook

skrev han på en side i en notesblok,

that he was cutting himself.

at han skar i sig selv.

He said that he was in agony

Han fortalte at han led,

and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.

at han ville have en pistol, så han kunne ende sit liv.

I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

Jeg vidste ikke noget om dette før måneder efter hans død.

When I talk about his death as a suicide,

Når jeg kalder hans død et selvmord,

I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life.

er det ikke et forsøg på at nedtone ondskaben, han udviste i slutningen af sit liv.

I'm trying to understand

Jeg forsøger at forstå,

how his suicidal thinking

hvordan hans selvmordstanker

led to murder.

ledte til mord.

After a lot of reading and talking with experts,

Efter en hel del læsning og samtaler med eksperter,

I have come to believe

er jeg kommet til den overbevisning,

that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill

at hans rolle i skyderierne ikke bundede ud i et ønske om at dræbe,

but in his desire to die.

men et ønske om at dø.

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide

Den tredje udfordring, jeg har, når jeg snakker om min søns mord og selvmord

is that I'm talking about mental health --

er, at jeg snakker om psykisk helbred --

excuse me --

-- undskyld mig.

is that I'm talking about mental health,

Er, at jeg snakker om psykisk helbred,

or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete.

eller hjernehelbred, som jeg foretrækker at kalde det, da det er mere konkret.

And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence.

Og på samme tid taler jeg om vold.

The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding

Det sidste, jeg vil, er, at bidrage til den misforståelse,

that already exists around mental illness.

der allerede hersker omkring psykisk sygdom.

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness

Kun en meget lille procentdel af dem, som har en psykisk sygdom,

are violent toward other people,

er voldelige over for andre.

but of those who die by suicide,

Men blandt dem, der begår selvmord,

it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent

er det vurderet, at mellem 75% til muligvis over 90%

have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

lider af en psykisk sygdom, der kan diagnosticeres.

As you all know very well,

Som I alle udmærket ved,

our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,

er vores sundhedssystem ikke udstyret til at hjælpe alle,

and not everyone with destructive thoughts

og det er ikke alle med destruktive tanker,

fits the criteria

som opfylder kriterierne

for a specific diagnosis.

for en bestemt diagnose.

Many who have ongoing feelings

Mange af dem, som vedvarende har følelser

of fear or anger or hopelessness

af frygt, vrede eller håbløshed,

are never assessed or treated.

bliver aldrig udredt eller behandlet.

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.

For ofte, får de kun vores opmærksomhed, hvis de når en krisetilstand.

If estimates are correct

Hvis vurderingen er korrekt,

that about one to two percent of all suicides

og cirka 1-2% af alle selvmord

involves the murder of another person,

involverer mordet af en anden person,

when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations,

betyder det, at når selvmordsrater stiger, som de gør i nogle befolkningsgrupper,

the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

så vil raterne for både mord og selvmord også stige.

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death,

Jeg ville forstå, hvad der foregik i Dylans sind op til hans død

so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss.

så jeg søgte svar hos andre, der har mistet nogen til selvmord.

I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events,

Jeg forskede og meldte mig som frivillig til indsamlinger.

and whenever I could,

Og når muligheden bød sig,

I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis

snakkede jeg med dem, der havde overlevet deres egen selvmordskrise

or attempt.

eller et selvmordsforsøg.

One of the most helpful conversations I had

Én af de samtaler, der hjælpte mig mest,

was with a coworker

var med en kollega,

who overheard me talking to someone else

som havde hørt mig tale med en anden

in my office cubicle.

på kontoret.

She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me

Hun hørte mig sige, at Dylan umuligt kunne have elsket mig,

if he could do something as horrible as he did.

hvis han kunne gøre noget så forfærdeligt, som det han gjorde.

Later, when she found me alone,

Senere, da hun fangede mig alene,

she apologized for overhearing that conversation,

undskyldte hun for at have smuglyttet,

but told me that I was wrong.

men fortalte mig, at jeg tog fejl.

She said that when she was a young, single mother

Hun fortalte, at hun som ung, enlig mor

with three small children,

med tre små børn,

she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

var blevet svært deprimeret og indlagt for egen beskyttelse.

At the time, she was certain

På det tidspunkt var hun sikker på,

that her children would be better off if she died,

at hendes børn ville være bedre stillet, hvis hun døde,

so she had made a plan to end her life.

så hun havde planlagt at tage sit eget liv.

She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth,

Hun forsikrede mig om, at en mors kærlighed er det stærkeste bånd på jorden

and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,

og at hun elskede sine børn mere end noget andet.

but because of her illness,

Men på grund af hendes sygdom

she was sure that they would be better off without her.

var hun sikker på, at de var bedre stillet uden hende.

What she said and what I've learned from others

Det, hun sagde, og det, jeg har lært af andre,

is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice

er, at vi ikke træffer en beslutning eller et valg

to die by suicide

om at tage vores liv

in the same way that we choose what car to drive

på samme måde som vi vælger, hvilken bil vi kører,

or where to go on a Saturday night.

eller hvor vi skal tage hen en lørdag aften.

When someone is in an extremely suicidal state,

Når nogen er ekstremt selvmordstruet,

they are in a stage four medical health emergency.

befinder de sig i 4. stadie af et helbredsfarligt nødstilfælde.

Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance.

Deres tankevirksomhed begrænses og de mister redskaberne til selvforvaltning.

Even though they can make a plan and act with logic,

Selvom de kan lægge en plan og handle logisk,

their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain

er deres sandhedsopfattelse forvrænget af et filter af smerte,

through which they interpret their reality.

som de fortolker deres egen virkelighed gennem.

Some people can be very good at hiding this state,

Nogle mennesker er meget dygtige til at skjule denne tilstand,

and they often have good reasons for doing that.

og de har ofte en god grund til at gøre det.

Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point,

Mange af os har haft selvmordstanker på et tidspunkt,

but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide

men ufortrængelige, vedvarende selvmordstanker,

and devising a means to die

og planlægning af måder man kan dø på

are symptoms of pathology,

er patologiske symptomer,

and like many illnesses,

og som mange andre sygdomme,

the condition has to be recognized and treated

skal tilstanden genkendes og behandles,

before a life is lost.

før et liv går tabt.

But my son's death was not purely a suicide.

Men min søns død var ikke kun et selvmord.

It involved mass murder.

Det involverede massemord.

I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal.

Jeg ville vide, hvordan hans selvmordstanker blev til tanker om mord.

But research is sparse and there are no simple answers.

Forskningen er begrænset og der er ikke nogle simple svar.

Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.

Ja, han var formentlig deprimeret.

He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,

Hans personlighed var perfektionistisk og selvstændig,

and that made him less likely to seek help from others.

og det gjorde ham mindre tilbøjelig til at søge hjælp fra andre.

He had experienced triggering events at the school

Han havde oplevet ting i skolen, der bidrog til hans

that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

følelser af mindreværd, ydmygelse og vrede.

And he had a complicated friendship

Og han havde et kompliceret venskab

with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation,

med en dreng, der delte hans følelser af vrede og udenforskab

and who was seriously disturbed,

og som var alvorligt forstyrret,

controlling and homicidal.

kontrollerende og morderisk.

And on top of this period in his life

Og midt i denne periode af livet

of extreme vulnerability and fragility,

med ekstrem sårbarhed og skrøbelighed

Dylan found access to guns

fandt Dylan tilgang til skydevåben,

even though we'd never owned any in our home.

selvom vi aldrig har haft nogle i vores hjem.

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,

Det var utåleligt nemt for en 17-årig dreng at købe skydevåben,

both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge.

både lovligt og ulovligt, uden min tilladelse eller kendskab til det.

And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later,

Og på en eller anden måde, 17 år senere, og mange skoleattentater senere,

it's still appallingly easy.

er det stadig utåleligt nemt.

What Dylan did that day broke my heart,

Det, som Dylan gjorde den dag, knuste mit hjerte,

and as trauma so often does,

og som traumer så ofte gør,

it took a toll on my body and on my mind.

sled det på både min krop og mit sind.

Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer,

To år efter skyderierne, fik jeg brystkræft,

and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.

og to år efter det, begyndte jeg at få problemer med psyken.

On top of the constant, perpetual grief

Oven i den konstante, evindelige sorg,

I was terrified that I would run into a family member

var jeg rædselsslagen for at løbe ind i et familiemedlem

of someone Dylan had killed,

til en af dem, Dylan dræbte,

or be accosted by the press

eller at blive antastet af pressen

or by an angry citizen.

eller en vred borger.

I was afraid to turn on the news,

Jeg var bange for at tænde for nyhederne,

afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

bange for at høre mig selv blive kaldt en forfærdelig forælder

eller en modbydelig person.

I started having panic attacks.

Jeg begyndte at få panikanfald.

The first bout started four years after the shootings,

Den første omgang kom fire år efter skyderierne,

when I was getting ready for the depositions

mens jeg forberedte mig på vidneafhøringerne,

and would have to meet the victims' families face to face.

og var nødt til at møde ofrenes familier ansigt til ansigt.

The second round started six years after the shootings,

Anden runde begyndte seks år efter skyderierne,

when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide

da jeg forberedte mig på at tale offentligt om mord og selvmord

for the first time at a conference.

for første gang til en konference.

Both episodes lasted several weeks.

Begge episoder varede adskillige uger.

The attacks happened everywhere:

Anfaldene kunne ske overalt:

in the hardware store, in my office,

i byggemarkedet, på mit kontor,

or even while reading a book in bed.

eller imens jeg læste en bog i sengen.

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror

Mit sind ville pludselig låse sig fast i en cyklus af frygt,

and no matter how I hard I tried

og uanset hvor meget jeg forsøgte

to calm myself down or reason my way out of it,

at berolige mig selv, eller ræsonnere mig ud af det,

I couldn't do it.

kunne jeg ikke klare det.

It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me,

Det føltes som om min hjerne prøvede at slå mig ihjel

and then, being afraid of being afraid

og frygten for at opleve frygt

consumed all of my thoughts.

gennemsivede alle mine tanker.

That's when I learned firsthand

Sådan lærte jeg på egen krop,

what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind,

hvordan det føles, når sindet ikke fungerer,

and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate.

og da blev jeg i sandhed fortaler for hjernehelbred.

With therapy and medication and self-care,

Med terapi, medicin og omsorg for mig selv,

life eventually returned

genvandt jeg med tiden et liv,

to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

der kan beskrives som normalt efter omstændighederne.

When I looked back on all that had happened,

Når jeg så tilbage på alt, der var sket,

I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction

kunne jeg se, at min søns nedadgående spiral

probably occurred over a period of about two years,

formentlig blev dannet over en periode på cirka to år,

plenty of time to get him help,

rigelig tid til at skaffe ham hjælp,

if only someone had known that he needed help

hvis bare nogen havde vidst, at han havde brug for hjælp

and known what to do.

og hvad de skulle gøre.

Every time someone asks me,

Hver gang nogen spørger mig:

"How could you not have known?",

"Hvordan kunne du ikke vide det?"

it feels like a punch in the gut.

føles det som et slag i maven.

It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt

Den indforståede beskyldning hager sig fast i min skyldfølelse,

that no matter how much therapy I've had

som jeg, uanset mængden af terapi, jeg har fået,

I will never fully eradicate.

aldrig bliver helt af med.

But here's something I've learned:

Men dette har jeg lært:

if love were enough

Hvis kærlighed var nok

to stop someone who is suicidal

til at stoppe en person med selvmordstanker,

from hurting themselves,

fra at skade sig selv,

suicides would hardly ever happen.

ville selvmord næsten aldrig ske.

But love is not enough,

Men kærlighed er ikke nok

and suicide is prevalent.

og selvmord forekommer.

It's the second leading cause of death

Det er den næst mest ledende dødsårsag

for people age 10 to 34,

for folk i alderen 10-34 år,

and 15 percent of American youth

og 15% af amerikanske unge

report having made a suicide plan

siger, at de har lagt en selvmordsplan

in the last year.

det seneste år.

I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,

Jeg har lært, at uanset hvor gerne vi vil tro det,

we cannot know or control

så kan vi ikke vide eller styre

everything our loved ones think and feel,

alt vores kære tænker og føler.

and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,

Og den stædige tro at vi af nogen årsag er anderledes,

that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves

at nogen, vi elsker, aldrig kunne finde på at skade sig selv

or someone else,

eller andre,

can cause us to miss

kan gøre os blinde

what's hidden in plain sight.

for det åbenlyst skjulte.

And if worst case scenarios do come to pass,

Og hvis det værste, der kan ske faktisk sker,

we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing

bliver vi nødt til at lære at tilgive os selv for, at vi ikke vidste nok,

or for not asking the right questions

eller for at vi ikke stillede de rigtige spørgsmål,

or not finding the right treatment.

eller fandt den rette behandling.

We should always assume

Vi bør altid formode

that someone we love may be suffering,

at nogen vi elsker muligvis lider,

regardless of what they say

uanset hvad de siger,

or how they act.

eller måden de opfører sig.

We should listen with our whole being,

Vi bør lytte med sjæl og krop,

without judgments,

uden at dømme

and without offering solutions.

og uden at foreslå løsninger.

I know that I will live with this tragedy,

Jeg ved, at jeg kommer til at leve med denne tragedie,

with these multiple tragedies,

med alle disse tragedier,

for the rest of my life.

resten af mit liv.

I know that in the minds of many,

Jeg ved, at mange synes,

what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost.

at mit tab ikke kan måle sig med de andre familiers tab.

I know my struggle doesn't make theirs any easier.

Jeg ved, at min kamp ikke gør deres nemmere.

I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any pain,

Jeg ved, at nogle endda synes, at jeg ikke har ret til smerte,

but only to a life of permanent penance.

kun til et liv i evig bod.

In the end what I know comes down to this:

Når alt kommer til alt, er dette, hvad jeg ved:

the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible of us

Det er et tragisk faktum, at selv de mest opmærksomme og ansvarlige af os

may not be able to help,

måske er ude af stand til at hjælpe.

but for love's sake,

Men for kærlighedens skyld,

we must never stop trying

må vi aldrig holde op med at forsøge

to know the unknowable.

at kende til det ukendelige.

Thank you.

Tak.

(Applause)

(Bifald)