My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold | TED

Translator: Sandra Peiró Reviewer: Silvia GD

The last time I heard my son's voice

L'última volta que vaig sentir la veu del meu fill

was when he walked out the front door

va ser quan sortia per la porta de casa

on his way to school.

per anar-se'n a escola.

He called out one word in the darkness:

En la foscor va dir una sola paraula:

"Bye."

"Adéu."

It was April 20, 1999.

Era el 20 d'abril del 1999.

Later that morning, at Columbine High School,

Més tard, a l'institut Columbine,

my son Dylan and his friend Eric

el meu fill Dylan y el seu amic Eric

killed 12 students and a teacher

van assassinar 12 alumnes i un professor

and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives.

i feriren més de 20 persones abans de suicidar-se.

Thirteen innocent people were killed,

Tretze persones innocents van ser assassinades,

leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma.

i els seus coneguts patiren el dolor i el trauma.

Others sustained injuries,

Altres van rebre ferides i lesions,

some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.

algunes de les quals han resultat en discapacitat permanent.

But the enormity of the tragedy

Però la enormitat de la tragèdia

can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.

no pot medir-se només pel nombre de morts i ferides.

There's no way to quantify the psychological damage

És impossible quantificar el mal psicològic

of those who were in the school,

que patiren aquells que es trobàven a l'institut,

or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

o aquells que feren eines de rescat o neteja.

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,

És impossible calcular la magnitud d'una tragèdia com la de Columbine,

especially when it can be a blueprint

especialment quan pot donar idees

for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.

per altres assassins que cometran les seues pròpies atrocitats.

Columbine was a tidal wave,

La tragèdia de Columbine va ser un sisme,

and when the crash ended,

i quan va acabar,

it would take years for the community and for society

a la comunitat i la societat els costaria anys

to comprehend its impact.

comprendre el seu impacte.

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy.

A mi m'ha costat anys intentar acceptar el llegat del meu fill.

The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life

El comportament cruent que va definir el final de la seua vida

showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.

em va mostrar que era una persona totalmente diferent a la que coneixia.

Afterwards people asked,

Després la gent em preguntava,

"How could you not know?

"Com pot ser que no ho saberes?"

What kind of a mother were you?"

Quina mena de mare eres?"

I still ask myself those same questions.

Jo encara em faig les mateixes preguntes.

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom.

Abans de la matança, pensava que era una bona mare.

Helping my children become caring,

Intentar fer dels meus fills persones afectuoses,

healthy, responsible adults

sanes i responsables

was the most important role of my life.

era el paper més important a la meua vida.

But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent,

Però la tragèdia em va convèncer de que havia fracassat com a mare,

and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.

i, en part, és aquest sentiment de fracàs el que m'ha fet vindre aquí avui.

Aside from his father,

A banda del seu pare,

I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.

jo era la persona que més coneixia i estimava Dylan.

If anyone could have known what was happening,

Si algú hagués pogut saber el que passava,

it should have been me, right?

tindria que haver sigut jo, no?

But I didn't know.

Però no ho sabia.

Today, I'm here to share the experience

Avui he vingut a compartir què es sent

of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.

al ser la mare d'algú que ha matat i ha fet mal.

For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories,

Els anys següents a la tragèdia repassava els records

trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.

intentant esbrinar on exactament havia fracassat com a mare.

But there are no simple answers.

Però no hi ha respostes simples.

I can't give you any solutions.

No puc donar-vos cap solució.

All I can do

Tot el que puc fer

is share what I have learned.

és compartir el que he aprés.

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings,

Quan parlo amb persones que no em coneixien abans de la matança,

I have three challenges to meet.

tinc que superar tres reptes.

First, when I walk into a room like this,

Primer, quan entro en una sala com aquesta,

I never know if someone there has experienced loss

mai sé si algú ha patit alguna pèrdua

because of what my son did.

pel que va fer el meu fill.

I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family

Sento la necessitat de reconéixer el patiment causat per un familiar meu

who isn't here to do it for himself.

que no està aquí per fer-ho ell mateix.

So first, with all of my heart,

Així que primer, amb tot el meu cor,

I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

ho sent molt si el meu fill us ha causat dolor.

The second challenge I have

El segon repte al que m'enfronto

is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion

és que he de demanar comprensió i fins i tot compassió

when I talk about my son's death as a suicide.

quan parlo de la mort del meu fill com un suïcidi.

Two years before he died,

Dos anys abans de morir,

he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook

va escriure en un quadern

that he was cutting himself.

que s'estava autolessionant.

He said that he was in agony

Deia que vivia una agonía

and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.

i que volia una pistola per a acabar amb la seua vida.

I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

Jo no en sabia res d'això fins mesos després de la seva mort.

When I talk about his death as a suicide,

Quan parlo de la seva mort com a un suïcidi,

I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life.

no intento minimitzar la crueltat que va mostrar al final de la seva vida.

I'm trying to understand

El que faig és intentar entendre

how his suicidal thinking

com els seus pensaments suïcides

led to murder.

van tornar-se assassinat.

After a lot of reading and talking with experts,

Després de llegir molt i parlar amb experts,

I have come to believe

he arribat a creure

that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill

que el seu involucrament en el tiroteig no es deu al seu desig de matar

but in his desire to die.

sino al seu desig de morir.

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide

El tercer repte que trobe al parlar d'aquest assassinat-suïcidi

is that I'm talking about mental health --

és que en parlo de la salut mental --

excuse me --

disculpeu-me --

is that I'm talking about mental health,

és que en parlo de la salut mental --

or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete.

o la salut del cervell, terme que prefereixo per ser més concret.

And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence.

I de passada, parlo de violència.

The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding

No voldria contribuir de cap manera al malentés

that already exists around mental illness.

que existeix al voltant de la malaltia mental.

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness

Sols un xicotet percentatge de les persones amb malalties mentals

are violent toward other people,

són violents amb els altres,

but of those who die by suicide,

però d'aquells que moren per suïcidi,

it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent

s'estima que des d'un 75 per cent fins més d'un 90 per cent

have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

pateixen una malaltia mental diagnosticable d'alguna mena.

As you all know very well,

Com tots sabeu de sobres,

our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,

el nostre sistema sanitari és deficitari en quant a salut mental,

and not everyone with destructive thoughts

i no tots els que pateixen pensaments destructius

fits the criteria

compleixen els criteris

for a specific diagnosis.

per un diagnòstic específic.

Many who have ongoing feelings

Molts dels que experimenten pensaments recurrents

of fear or anger or hopelessness

de por, ira o desesperança

are never assessed or treated.

mai són avaluats o tratats.

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.

Sovint capten la nostra atenció només si arriben a una crisi de comportament.

If estimates are correct

Si les estimacions són correctes

that about one to two percent of all suicides

segons les quals d'un a dos per cent dels suïcidis

involves the murder of another person,

incloen l'assassinat d'un altra persona,

when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations,

quan la taxa de suïcidis puja, com ho fa per algunes poblacions,

the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

la taxa de suïcidis-assassinats també en pujarà.

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death,

Volia entendre el que passava al cap de Dylan abans de la seva mort,

so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss.

així que vaig buscar respostes d'altres supervivents de suïcidi.

I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events,

Vaig investigar i fer voluntariat per ajudar amb events de recaudació,

and whenever I could,

i sempre que podia,

I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis

parlava amb els que van sobreviure

or attempt.

els seus intents de suïcidi.

One of the most helpful conversations I had

Una de les conversacions més útils que vaig tindre

was with a coworker

va ser amb un company de feina

who overheard me talking to someone else

que em va sentir parlar amb una altra persona

in my office cubicle.

a la oficina.

She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me

Em va sentir dir que Dylan no m'estimava

if he could do something as horrible as he did.

si havia fet una cosa tan dolenta com aquella.

Later, when she found me alone,

Després, quan em va trobar a soles,

she apologized for overhearing that conversation,

es va disculpar per escoltar la conversa,

but told me that I was wrong.

però em va dir que m'equivocava.

She said that when she was a young, single mother

Em va dir que quan era una mare jove i soltera

with three small children,

amb tres criatures,

she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

va agafar una depressió forta i va ser hospitalitzada.

At the time, she was certain

En aquells moments estava segura

that her children would be better off if she died,

de que els seus nens estarien millor si ella moria,

so she had made a plan to end her life.

així que va planejar acabar amb la seva vida.

She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth,

M'assegurava que l'amor d'una mare és el vincle més fort que existeix,

and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,

i que s'estimava els seus fills més que res en aquest món,

but because of her illness,

però que per la seva enfermetat,

she was sure that they would be better off without her.

sabia que estarien millor sense ella.

What she said and what I've learned from others

El que em va dir i el que vaig aprendre d'altres

is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice

és que nosaltres no prenem la decisió

to die by suicide

de morir suïcidant-nos

in the same way that we choose what car to drive

com si ens decidirem per un cotxe

or where to go on a Saturday night.

o què fer un dissabte a la nit.

When someone is in an extremely suicidal state,

Quan algú es troba en un estat extrem suïcida,

they are in a stage four medical health emergency.

es troben al nivell quatre d'una emergència mèdica.

Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance.

El seu raciocini es veu afectat i perden l'accés a l'autogovernament.

Even though they can make a plan and act with logic,

Encara que poden planejar i guiar-se per la lògica,

their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain

el sentit de la veritat es troba distorssionat per un filtre de dolor

through which they interpret their reality.

a través del qual interpreten la realitat.

Some people can be very good at hiding this state,

Alguna gent és molt hàbil amagant aquest estat,

and they often have good reasons for doing that.

i a sovint tenen bones raons per fer-ho.

Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point,

Molts de nosaltres hem tingut pensaments suïcides,

but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide

però pensaments persistents suicides

and devising a means to die

i el fet de planejar formes de morir

are symptoms of pathology,

son símptomes d'una patología,

and like many illnesses,

i com amb altres malalties,

the condition has to be recognized and treated

aquesta condició ha de ser reconeguda i tractada

before a life is lost.

abans de que es perda una vida.

But my son's death was not purely a suicide.

Però la mort del meu fill no va ser només un suïcidi.

It involved mass murder.

Va involucrar una massacre.

I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal.

M'interessava saber com un pensament suïcida va passar a homicida.

But research is sparse and there are no simple answers.

Però hi ha pocs estudis i cap respota simple.

Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.

Sí, segurament patia una depressió permanent.

He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,

La seva personalitat era perfeccionista i independent,

and that made him less likely to seek help from others.

i això feia que evitara demanar ajuda als demés.

He had experienced triggering events at the school

Havia patit succesos traumàtics a l'institut

that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

que el van fer sentir menyspreat, humiliat i enfadat.

And he had a complicated friendship

I tenia una amistat complicada

with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation,

amb un xicon que compartia els seus sentiments de ràbia i alienació,

and who was seriously disturbed,

i que estava transtornat,

controlling and homicidal.

era controlador i homicida.

And on top of this period in his life

I en aquest moment de la seua vida,

of extreme vulnerability and fragility,

un període d'extrema vulnerabilitat i fragilitat,

Dylan found access to guns

Dylan va trobar accés a armes

even though we'd never owned any in our home.

encara que mai n'haviem tingut a casa.

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,

Era increíblement senzill que un noi de 17 anys comprés armes,

both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge.

tan legal com ilegalment, sense el meu permís o coneixement.

And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later,

I no sé com, 17 anys i moltes matances després,

it's still appallingly easy.

continúa sent increíblement senzill.

What Dylan did that day broke my heart,

El que Dylan va fer aquell dia em trencà el cor,

and as trauma so often does,

i com sol passar amb els traumes,

it took a toll on my body and on my mind.

em va passar factura tant al cos com a la ment.

Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer,

Dos anys després, em diagnosticaren càncer de mama,

and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.

i dos anys després d'això, vaig començar a tindre problemes mentals.

On top of the constant, perpetual grief

A banda de la pena constant i perpètua

I was terrified that I would run into a family member

m'aterroritzava trobar-me amb algun familiar

of someone Dylan had killed,

de les persones que Dylan havia matat,

or be accosted by the press

o que m'assetjaria la prensa

or by an angry citizen.

o un ciutadà furiós.

I was afraid to turn on the news,

Em feia por engegar les notícies

afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

i sentir que em digueren mala mare o que sóc una persona horrible.

I started having panic attacks.

Vaig començar amb els atacs de pànic.

The first bout started four years after the shootings,

El primer episodi va començar quatre anys després del tiroteig,

when I was getting ready for the depositions

quan em preparava per les deposicions

and would have to meet the victims' families face to face.

on anava a trobar-me cara a cara amb els familiars de les víctimes.

The second round started six years after the shootings,

El segon episodi va ser sis anys després,

when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide

mentre em preparava per parlar en públic sobre l'assassinat-suïcidi

for the first time at a conference.

per primera vegada a una conferència.

Both episodes lasted several weeks.

Ambdós episodis duraren diverses setmanes.

The attacks happened everywhere:

Els atacs ocorrien a qualsevol lloc:

in the hardware store, in my office,

a la ferretería, a l'oficina,

or even while reading a book in bed.

o inclós llegint un llibre al llit.

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror

La meva ment es tancava de sobte en un cercle de terror

and no matter how I hard I tried

i per molt que intentara

to calm myself down or reason my way out of it,

calmar-me o raonar-ho

I couldn't do it.

no era capaç de fer-ho.

It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me,

Era com si el meu cervell intentara matar-me,

and then, being afraid of being afraid

i després, asustat de tindre por

consumed all of my thoughts.

em consumira tots els pensaments.

That's when I learned firsthand

En aquell moment vaig aprendre

what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind,

el que és tindre un cervell que no funciona bé,

and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate.

i quan em vaig convertir en defensora de la salut mental.

With therapy and medication and self-care,

Gràcies a la teràpia, la medicació i al cuidar-me,

life eventually returned

la vida va acabar tornant

to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

a una mena de normalitat donades les circunstàncies.

When I looked back on all that had happened,

Quan reflectia sobre tot el que va passar,

I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction

me'n vaig adonar de que la caiguda en la disfunció del meu fill

probably occurred over a period of about two years,

segurament va passar en un període de dos anys,

plenty of time to get him help,

temps de sobres per que rebés ajuda,

if only someone had known that he needed help

si algú se'n hagués adonat de que necessitava ajuda

and known what to do.

i hagués sabut què fer.

Every time someone asks me,

Cada vegada que algú em pregunta,

"How could you not have known?",

"Com pot ser que no ho saberes?",

it feels like a punch in the gut.

sento com una punyada a la panxa.

It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt

És una pregunta acusadora que colpeja els meus sentiments de culpa

that no matter how much therapy I've had

els quals mai podré erradicar del tot

I will never fully eradicate.

per molta teràpia que faci.

But here's something I've learned:

Però una cosa n'he aprés:

if love were enough

Si l'amor fora suficient

to stop someone who is suicidal

per evitar que una persona suïcida

from hurting themselves,

es fes mal a ella mateixa,

suicides would hardly ever happen.

no hi haurien gairebé suïcidis.

But love is not enough,

Però l'amor no és prou,

and suicide is prevalent.

i el suïcidi prevaleix.

It's the second leading cause of death

És la segona causa de mort

for people age 10 to 34,

de la gent entre 10 i 34 anys,

and 15 percent of American youth

i el 15 per cent dels joves americans

report having made a suicide plan

han confessat haver fet plans de suïcidi

in the last year.

només l'any passat.

I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,

Jo vaig aprendré que per molt que creiem que podem,

we cannot know or control

no sóm capaços de controlar o conéixer

everything our loved ones think and feel,

tot el que fan o senten els nostres éssers estimats.

and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,

I que la convicció de que nosaltres serem diferents,

that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves

que els nostres familiars mai pensarien en fer-se mal

or someone else,

a ells o als altres,

can cause us to miss

pot fer que no ens n'assabentem

what's hidden in plain sight.

del que s'amaga a simple vista.

And if worst case scenarios do come to pass,

I si el pitjor dels casos arriba a passar,

we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing

tindrem que aprendre a perdonar-nos per no saber

or for not asking the right questions

o per no fer les preguntes adequades

or not finding the right treatment.

o per no trobar el tractament adequat.

We should always assume

Sempre deuriem ser capaços d'assumir

that someone we love may be suffering,

que algú que volem pot estar sofrint,

regardless of what they say

sense tenir en compte el que diguen

or how they act.

o com actúen.

We should listen with our whole being,

Deuriem escoltar amb tots els nostres instints,

without judgments,

sense jutjar,

and without offering solutions.

i sense oferir solucions.

I know that I will live with this tragedy,

Jo sé que viuré amb aquesta tragèdia,

with these multiple tragedies,

amb aquestes múltiples tragèdies,

for the rest of my life.

la resta de la meva vida.

I know that in the minds of many,

Sé que per a molta gent,

what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost.

el que vaig perdre no es pot comparar a la resta de famílies.

I know my struggle doesn't make theirs any easier.

Sé que la meva lluita no alleugera la seva.

I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any pain,

Sé que hi ha alguns que pensen que no tinc dret a sentir dolor,

but only to a life of permanent penance.

sinó a una vida de penitència eterna.

In the end what I know comes down to this:

Al cap i a la fi el que jo sé es pot resumir així:

the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible of us

la tragèdia és que encara el més alerta i responsable de nosaltres

may not be able to help,

pot trobar que no resulta d'ajuda,

but for love's sake,

però pel que més volgueu,

we must never stop trying

no hem de deixar d'intentar

to know the unknowable.

conéixer el desconegut.

Thank you.

Gràcies.

(Applause)

(Aplaudiments)