My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold | TED

翻译人员: Ying Lu 校对人员: Lyra Wang

The last time I heard my son's voice

我最后一次听到我儿子的声音

was when he walked out the front door

是在他走出家门

on his way to school.

去学校时

He called out one word in the darkness:

黑暗中他只说了一个字

"Bye."

“拜”。

It was April 20, 1999.

那是1999年的4月20日。

Later that morning, at Columbine High School,

那天早上晚些时候，在哥伦拜恩高中

my son Dylan and his friend Eric

我儿子迪伦和他的朋友埃里克

killed 12 students and a teacher

枪杀了12名学生和1名老师

and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives.

并且在他们两人自杀之前还造成20多人受伤。

Thirteen innocent people were killed,

13个无辜的人丧失了性命，

leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma.

让深爱他们人陷入深深的悲痛之中

Others sustained injuries,

另外有一些人受了伤，

some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.

有一个些人毁容或是终身残疾。

But the enormity of the tragedy

但是悲剧的深重程度

can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.

是无法仅仅通过死亡和受伤人数来衡量的

There's no way to quantify the psychological damage

当时在学校里的人受到的心理伤害

of those who were in the school,

是无法量化地体现出来的

or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

对于参与救援或清理工作的人员也是如此

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,

我们没有办法评估像哥伦拜恩事件的严重程度

especially when it can be a blueprint

特别当这件事可能会被

for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.

其他谋划暴行的枪击者当成范例

Columbine was a tidal wave,

哥伦拜恩事件就像一个浪潮，

and when the crash ended,

即便悲剧结束以后，

it would take years for the community and for society

当地社区和整个社会 还需要通过很长一段时间

to comprehend its impact.

来理解这件事真实的影响力

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy.

我花了许多年的时间 才接受我儿子留下的一切

The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life

他用残忍的方式来结束自己的生命

showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.

让我发现 这完全不是我所熟悉的那个人

Afterwards people asked,

在那之后有很多人问我，

"How could you not know?

“你怎么可能不知道你儿子要枪杀别人？

What kind of a mother were you?"

你这是什么样的母亲？“

I still ask myself those same questions.

直到现在 我仍旧会问自己相同的问题

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom.

在枪击案前， 我自认为是一个很好的母亲

Helping my children become caring,

帮助我的孩子们懂得如何关心他人，

healthy, responsible adults

如何成为健康和有责任感的人

was the most important role of my life.

是我毕生最重要的事情。

But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent,

但是这个惨剧让我意识到 自己是一个失败的家长

and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.

正是缘于这种挫败感 让我今天站到了这里

Aside from his father,

除了他的父亲，

I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.

我曾是最了解和深爱迪伦的人

If anyone could have known what was happening,

如果有任何人有机会知道那起枪杀案

it should have been me, right?

那应该是我，不是吗？

But I didn't know.

但是我却一无所知。

Today, I'm here to share the experience

今天，我就来分享自己

of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.

作为一个杀害他人的孩子的母亲的经历

For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories,

在悲剧发生后的这些年里， 我梳理了记忆

trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.

试图弄明白 我作为家长的失败之处

But there are no simple answers.

但是这个问题并没有简单的答案

I can't give you any solutions.

我无法给你们任何解决方案

All I can do

我力所能及的

is share what I have learned.

只有分享我从这件事中学到的东西

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings,

当我与那些在枪击案前不认识我的人谈话时

I have three challenges to meet.

我面临着三个挑战

First, when I walk into a room like this,

第一，当我走进这样一个房间，

I never know if someone there has experienced loss

我永远无法知道其中是否有人 因为我儿子的所作所为

because of what my son did.

正经历着丧亲之痛

I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family

我觉得我必须承担 由于我的家庭成员造成的痛苦

who isn't here to do it for himself.

即便他已无法亲自偿还

So first, with all of my heart,

因此，如果我的伤害对你造成过上海

I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

我深表歉意

The second challenge I have

我面临的第二个挑战

is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion

是当我谈及我的儿子是自杀而亡的时候

when I talk about my son's death as a suicide.

我必须请求他人的理解 甚至是同情

Two years before he died,

在他过世两年以前

he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook

他的笔记本上有一页写着

that he was cutting himself.

他正在割伤自己

He said that he was in agony

他说他很痛苦

and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.

希望用枪来结束自己的生命

I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

我直到他死后的数月才发现这些

When I talk about his death as a suicide,

当我谈及他是死于自杀时，

I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life.

我并非想故意淡化他在生命尽头时 所展现出来的残忍恶意

I'm trying to understand

我尝试理解

how his suicidal thinking

为什么他的自杀念想

led to murder.

最后变成了谋杀

After a lot of reading and talking with experts,

在大量的阅读和与专家咨询后

I have come to believe

我逐渐相信

that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill

他参与枪杀 并非源于他想杀人

but in his desire to die.

而是因为他的求死的欲望

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide

当我谈及我儿子的谋杀后自尽时 我面临的第三个挑战

is that I'm talking about mental health --

是心理健康－

excuse me --

不好意思－

is that I'm talking about mental health,

我要谈论的是精神健康，

or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete.

或者用更具体的说法 我更愿意称之为脑健康

And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence.

同时，我想谈及的是暴力

The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding

我最后一件想做的事是消除

that already exists around mental illness.

人们关于精神疾病的误解。

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness

只有一小部分精神疾病患者

are violent toward other people,

会对周围人产生暴力行为

but of those who die by suicide,

但是据估计 对于自杀而亡的人

it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent

有75%到甚至超过90%的人

have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

都会被诊断出 患有某种程度的精神疾病

As you all know very well,

众所周知

our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,

我们的精神健康康复系统 并不能帮助每一个人

and not everyone with destructive thoughts

也不是每一个有破坏性思想的人

fits the criteria

都完全符合

for a specific diagnosis.

某些病症诊断的特定标准

Many who have ongoing feelings

很多人正经受着无休止的

of fear or anger or hopelessness

恐惧，愤怒，或是无助

are never assessed or treated.

却永远无法得到诊断或治疗。

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.

太多时候，只有当这些人发生行为 危机时才能得到我们的注意

If estimates are correct

如果估计准确的话

that about one to two percent of all suicides

在1%到2%的自杀事件中

involves the murder of another person,

都会涉及到谋杀另一个人

when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations,

当自杀率上升时 牵扯到的人数也同样上升，

the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

谋杀后的自杀率也同样会上升

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death,

我想知道在迪伦死之前 他到底在想什么

so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss.

所以我想要从其他自杀幸存者中寻求答案

I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events,

我除了研究外 还志愿参加里协助筹款活动

and whenever I could,

只要我有时间

I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis

我就会和那些在曾经经历自杀危机

or attempt.

或曾试图自杀的幸存者聊天

One of the most helpful conversations I had

其中最让我受益匪浅的

was with a coworker

是和我同事的一次谈话

who overheard me talking to someone else

她偶然听到我在办公室的

in my office cubicle.

小隔间与其他人的谈话

She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me

她听到我说 如果迪伦能做出如此可怕的事情

if he could do something as horrible as he did.

他很可能从来就没有爱过我

Later, when she found me alone,

之后，当她看我独自一人时

she apologized for overhearing that conversation,

她因为无意听到我与他人的谈话向我道歉，

but told me that I was wrong.

但同时也告诉我我错了

She said that when she was a young, single mother

她说当她还是一个年轻的单身母亲

with three small children,

带着三个年幼的孩子时

she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

她变得极度沮丧 只有住院才能确保她的安全

At the time, she was certain

当时，她相当肯定的是

that her children would be better off if she died,

如果她死了 孩子们将会过得更好

so she had made a plan to end her life.

所以她计划要结束自己的生命

She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth,

她向我保证 母爱是世界上最强有力的纽带

and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,

她爱自己的孩子 远胜于世界上的任何东西

but because of her illness,

但是因为她的疾病

she was sure that they would be better off without her.

她笃定没有她 孩子们会过得更好

What she said and what I've learned from others

她所说的 以及我从其他人那了解到的

is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice

是我们不能通过自杀的行为 做出所谓的

to die by suicide

决定或是选择

in the same way that we choose what car to drive

这不能和我们在周六晚上 选择开哪辆车

or where to go on a Saturday night.

或者去哪里的选择相提并论

When someone is in an extremely suicidal state,

当人们生活在一个 自杀率如此高的州

they are in a stage four medical health emergency.

他们处于医疗急救的第四个阶段

Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance.

他们的思维受损 也丧失了自我管理的能力

Even though they can make a plan and act with logic,

即便他们可以做出计划 以及逻辑性地行动

their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain

他们对真相的感知 已经被痛苦的过滤器扭曲

through which they interpret their reality.

而这影响了他们 对于真实世界的解读

Some people can be very good at hiding this state,

有些人非常善于隐藏这些状态

and they often have good reasons for doing that.

他们经常为自己所做的事情找到很好的理由

Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point,

我们大多数人在某个时刻 都曾会有自杀的想法

but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide

但是自杀念头持续在脑中萦绕

and devising a means to die

和设计死亡的方式

are symptoms of pathology,

是病理学的症状，

and like many illnesses,

就像许多疾病一样，

the condition has to be recognized and treated

这种状况必须及时发现 并给予治疗

before a life is lost.

在生命结束以前

But my son's death was not purely a suicide.

但是我儿子的死亡 并非纯粹的自杀

It involved mass murder.

它还涉及到了大规模的谋杀

I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal.

我想知道他的自杀念头 如何变成了杀人

But research is sparse and there are no simple answers.

但是相关的研究非常有限 这个问题同样也没有简单的答案

Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.

没错，他很可能不可自拔地沉浸于沮丧之中

He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,

他追求完美主义 做事偏向独立

and that made him less likely to seek help from others.

因此他不太可能向他人寻求帮助

He had experienced triggering events at the school

他在学校曾经历过导火索事件

that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

这让他觉得自己 因遭到鄙视和羞辱而愤怒

And he had a complicated friendship

他与一个和他一样 有着愤怒和被边缘化经历的男生

with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation,

有着复杂的交情

and who was seriously disturbed,

这个男生心绪极度紊乱

controlling and homicidal.

具有极强的控制欲和杀人倾向

And on top of this period in his life

在他处于人生中最为异常

of extreme vulnerability and fragility,

脆弱和不稳定的时期，

Dylan found access to guns

迪伦开始设法获取枪支

even though we'd never owned any in our home.

即便我们家从来都没有出现过

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,

没想到一个17岁的男生 能如此轻而易地举买到枪支

both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge.

不论是合法还是非法， 而且是在不需要我的允许或了解的情况下

And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later,

在过去的17年间 仍然发生了很多校园枪击事件

it's still appallingly easy.

它还是如此轻易地发生

What Dylan did that day broke my heart,

迪伦当天所作所为伤透了我的心

and as trauma so often does,

这痛苦就像创伤一样时常复发

it took a toll on my body and on my mind.

它让我身心俱疲

Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer,

在枪击案发生后两年后 我得了乳腺癌

and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.

再之后的两年 我开始出现精神问题

On top of the constant, perpetual grief

我沉浸在无尽的悲伤之中

I was terrified that I would run into a family member

我非常害怕自己会不小心遇到

of someone Dylan had killed,

被迪伦所杀害的人的家属

or be accosted by the press

或者被媒体

or by an angry citizen.

被愤怒的民众谴责

I was afraid to turn on the news,

我不敢看新闻，

afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

不敢听到自己被称为糟糕透顶的家长 或者令人作呕之人

I started having panic attacks.

我开始患上急性焦虑发作的疾病

The first bout started four years after the shootings,

在枪击案发生后的第四年 我的急性焦虑症第一次发作

when I was getting ready for the depositions

是在准备出席法庭作证

and would have to meet the victims' families face to face.

与受害家属面对面的时候

The second round started six years after the shootings,

第二次发作是在枪击案后的第六年

when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide

当我第一次准备面对公众

for the first time at a conference.

做一场有关于谋杀后自尽的演讲时

Both episodes lasted several weeks.

两次发作都持续数周

The attacks happened everywhere:

急性焦虑症随时随地都能发作：

in the hardware store, in my office,

在五金用品店，在我的办公室里，

or even while reading a book in bed.

甚至当我在床上看书时

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror

我的心绪 会忽然陷入恐惧的死循环中

and no matter how I hard I tried

不管我多么努力地尝试

to calm myself down or reason my way out of it,

让自己平静下来 说服自己脱离恐惧

I couldn't do it.

也没有任何效果

It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me,

我只感觉我的大脑要致我于死地

and then, being afraid of being afraid

对恐惧本身的恐惧

consumed all of my thoughts.

吞噬了我所有的思绪

That's when I learned firsthand

这是第一次我亲身感受到

what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind,

心绪紊乱时的感觉

and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate.

这也促使我 彻底成为脑健康的倡导者

With therapy and medication and self-care,

通过治疗、药物和自我护理

life eventually returned

生活最终会回归到

to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

我们所认为的正轨

When I looked back on all that had happened,

当我回顾这些年来发生的事情，

I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction

我终于明白 早在事件发生的2年前

probably occurred over a period of about two years,

我儿子很可能 已经陷入了功能紊乱的漩涡

plenty of time to get him help,

哪怕有一个人知道他需要帮助

知道如何帮助他

if only someone had known that he needed help

and known what to do.

两年的时间是足够挽回这一切的

Every time someone asks me,

每次有人问我，

"How could you not have known?",

“你怎么可能不知道呢？”的时候

it feels like a punch in the gut.

我就感觉心上被重重地打了一拳

It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt

这种带着谴责的质问 直捣我心底的内疚感

that no matter how much therapy I've had

不论我接受过多少治疗

I will never fully eradicate.

我也永远无法做到不为所动

But here's something I've learned:

但同时我也学习到

if love were enough

如果我们有足够的爱

to stop someone who is suicidal

就能够阻止那些有自杀念想的人

from hurting themselves,

对自己进行伤害

suicides would hardly ever happen.

自杀将几乎不再发生

But love is not enough,

但是光有爱还不够，

自杀是如此普遍的一件事情

and suicide is prevalent.

It's the second leading cause of death

自杀是导致10岁到34岁的人群

for people age 10 to 34,

死亡的第二大原因

and 15 percent of American youth

其中有15%的美国青少年

report having made a suicide plan

表示自己仅仅在去年

in the last year.

就有过自杀的计划

I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,

我意识到 不管我们如何坚信

we cannot know or control

自己可以了解所爱之人的想法和感受

everything our loved ones think and feel,

实际上也无法感知或掌握他们的所思所感

and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,

每个人固执地相信 自己多少有些与众不同

that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves

我们爱的人 从未有过伤害自己

or someone else,

或者伤害他人的想法

can cause us to miss

这会让我们错过那些隐藏着的

what's hidden in plain sight.

本应轻易被发现的事实。

And if worst case scenarios do come to pass,

如果当最坏的情况真的发生了，

we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing

我们一定要学会 原谅自己的不知情

or for not asking the right questions

没有正确地发问

or not finding the right treatment.

或是没有使用合理的解决办法

We should always assume

我们应该常常假设

that someone we love may be suffering,

我们所爱之人也许正处在痛苦之中，

regardless of what they say

不管他们说什么

or how they act.

或者他们如何表现

We should listen with our whole being,

我们必须全身心投入地倾听他们

without judgments,

不带丝毫批判

and without offering solutions.

不提供任何解决方式

I know that I will live with this tragedy,

我知道我将一直背负着这个悲剧

with these multiple tragedies,

这些悲剧会

for the rest of my life.

充斥着我的余生

I know that in the minds of many,

我知道在很多人心中，

what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost.

我所失去的 无法与其他家庭的损失相提并论

I know my struggle doesn't make theirs any easier.

我知道我内心的煎熬 并不会减轻他们一丝一毫的痛苦

I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any pain,

我知道很多人甚至觉得 我都不配有痛苦的权利

but only to a life of permanent penance.

唯一能做的仅仅是无尽的忏悔

In the end what I know comes down to this:

最后我想说的是：

the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible of us

最可悲的事其实是 即便我们中最有洞察力和责任心的人

may not be able to help,

也可能无法提供帮助，

but for love's sake,

但是为了爱，

we must never stop trying

我们必须永不放弃

to know the unknowable.

去了解那些未解之谜。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）