The walk from "no" to "yes" | William Ury

722,588 views ・ 2010-12-01

TED


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00:16
Well, the subject of difficult negotiation
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reminds me of one of my favorite stories from the Middle East,
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of a man who left to his three sons, 17 camels.
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To the first son, he left half the camels;
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to the second son, he left a third of the camels;
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and to the youngest son, he left a ninth of the camels.
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The three sons got into a negotiation -- 17 doesn't divide by two.
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It doesn't divide by three.
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It doesn't divide by nine.
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Brotherly tempers started to get strained.
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Finally, in desperation,
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they went and they consulted a wise old woman.
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The wise old woman thought about their problem for a long time,
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and finally she came back and said, "Well, I don't know if I can help you,
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but at least, if you want, you can have my camel."
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So then, they had 18 camels.
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The first son took his half -- half of 18 is nine.
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The second son took his third -- a third of 18 is six.
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The youngest son took his ninth -- a ninth of 18 is two.
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You get 17.
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They had one camel left over.
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They gave it back to the wise old woman.
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(Laughter)
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Now, if you think about that story for a moment,
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I think it resembles a lot of the difficult negotiations
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we get involved in.
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They start off like 17 camels, no way to resolve it.
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Somehow, what we need to do
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is step back from those situations, like that wise old woman,
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look at the situation through fresh eyes
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and come up with an 18th camel.
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Finding that 18th camel in the world's conflicts
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has been my life passion.
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I basically see humanity a bit like those three brothers.
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We're all one family.
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We know that scientifically,
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thanks to the communications revolution,
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all the tribes on the planet -- all 15,000 tribes --
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are in touch with each other.
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And it's a big family reunion.
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And yet, like many family reunions,
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it's not all peace and light.
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There's a lot of conflict,
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and the question is: How do we deal with our differences?
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How do we deal with our deepest differences,
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given the human propensity for conflict
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and the human genius at devising weapons of enormous destruction?
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That's the question.
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As I've spent the last better part of three decades, almost four,
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traveling the world,
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trying to work, getting involved in conflicts
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ranging from Yugoslavia to the Middle East
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to Chechnya to Venezuela --
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some of the most difficult conflicts on the face of the planet --
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I've been asking myself that question.
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And I think I've found, in some ways, what is the secret to peace.
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It's actually surprisingly simple.
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It's not easy, but it's simple.
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It's not even new.
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It may be one of our most ancient human heritages.
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The secret to peace is us.
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It's us who act as a surrounding community around any conflict,
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who can play a constructive role.
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Let me give you just a story, an example.
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About 20 years ago,
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I was in South Africa, working with the parties in that conflict,
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and I had an extra month,
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so I spent some time living with several groups of San Bushmen.
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I was curious about them, about the way in which they resolve conflict.
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Because, after all, within living memory, they were hunters and gatherers,
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living pretty much like our ancestors lived
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for maybe 99 percent of the human story.
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And all the men have these poison arrows that they use for hunting --
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absolutely fatal.
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So how do they deal with their differences?
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Well, what I learned is, whenever tempers rise in those communities,
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someone goes and hides the poison arrows out in the bush,
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and then everyone sits around in a circle like this,
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and they sit and they talk and they talk.
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It may take two days, three days, four days,
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but they don't rest until they find a resolution
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or better yet -- a reconciliation.
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And if tempers are still too high,
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then they send someone off to visit some relatives,
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as a cooling-off period.
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Well, that system is, I think, probably the system
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that kept us alive to this point,
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given our human tendencies.
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That system, I call "the third side."
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Because if you think about it, normally when we think of conflict,
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when we describe it,
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there's always two sides --
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it's Arabs versus Israelis, labor versus management,
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husband versus wife, Republicans versus Democrats.
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But what we don't often see
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is that there's always a third side,
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and the third side of the conflict is us, it's the surrounding community,
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it's the friends, the allies,
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the family members, the neighbors.
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And we can play an incredibly constructive role.
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Perhaps the most fundamental way in which the third side can help
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is to remind the parties of what's really at stake.
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For the sake of the kids, for the sake of the family,
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for the sake of the community, for the sake of the future,
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let's stop fighting for a moment and start talking.
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Because, the thing is,
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when we're involved in conflict,
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it's very easy to lose perspective.
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It's very easy to react.
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Human beings -- we're reaction machines.
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And as the saying goes,
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when angry, you will make the best speech
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you will ever regret.
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(Laughter)
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And so the third side reminds us of that.
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The third side helps us go to the balcony,
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which is a metaphor for a place of perspective,
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where we can keep our eyes on the prize.
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Let me tell you a little story from my own negotiating experience.
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Some years ago, I was involved as a facilitator in some very tough talks
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between the leaders of Russia and the leaders of Chechnya.
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There was a war going on, as you know.
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And we met in the Hague, in the Peace Palace,
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in the same room where the Yugoslav war-crimes tribunal was taking place.
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And the talks got off to a rather rocky start
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when the vice president of Chechnya began by pointing at the Russians
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and said, "You should stay right here in your seats,
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because you're going to be on trial for war crimes."
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And then he turned to me and said,
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"You're an American.
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Look at what you Americans are doing in Puerto Rico."
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And my mind started racing, "Puerto Rico? What do I know about Puerto Rico?"
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I started reacting.
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(Laughter)
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But then, I tried to remember to go to the balcony.
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And then when he paused
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and everyone looked at me for a response,
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from a balcony perspective, I was able to thank him for his remarks
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and say, "I appreciate your criticism of my country
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and I take it as a sign that we're among friends
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and can speak candidly to one another."
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(Laughter)
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"And what we're here to do is not to talk about Puerto Rico or the past.
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We're here to see if we can figure out a way
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to stop the suffering and the bloodshed in Chechnya."
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The conversation got back on track.
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That's the role of the third side,
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to help the parties go to the balcony.
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Now let me take you, for a moment,
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to what's widely regarded as the world's most difficult conflict,
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or the most impossible conflict, the Middle East.
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Question is: where's the third side there?
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How could we possibly go to the balcony?
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Now, I don't pretend to have an answer to the Middle East conflict,
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but I think I've got a first step -- literally, a first step --
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something that any one of us could do as third-siders.
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Let me just ask you one question first.
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How many of you in the last years
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have ever found yourself worrying about the Middle East
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and wondering what anyone could do?
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Just out of curiosity, how many of you?
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OK, so the great majority of us.
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And here, it's so far away.
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Why do we pay so much attention to this conflict?
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Is it the number of deaths?
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There are a hundred times more people who die in a conflict in Africa
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than in the Middle East.
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No, it's because of the story,
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because we feel personally involved in that story.
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Whether we're Christians, Muslims or Jews, religious or non-religious,
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we feel we have a personal stake in it.
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Stories matter;
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as an anthropologist, I know that.
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Stories are what we use to transmit knowledge.
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They give meaning to our lives.
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That's what we tell here at TED, we tell stories.
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Stories are the key.
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And so my question is --
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yes, let's try and resolve the politics there in the Middle East,
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but let's also take a look at the story.
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Let's try to get at the root of what it's all about.
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Let's see if we can apply the third side to it.
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What would that mean? What is the story there?
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Now, as anthropologists, we know that every culture has an origin story.
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What's the origin story of the Middle East?
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In a phrase, it's:
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Four thousand years ago,
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a man and his family walked across the Middle East,
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and the world has never been the same since.
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That man, of course, was Abraham.
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And what he stood for was unity, the unity of the family;
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he's the father of us all.
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But it's not just what he stood for, it's what his message was.
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His basic message was unity too,
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the interconnectedness of it all, the unity of it all.
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And his basic value was respect,
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was kindness toward strangers.
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That's what he's known for, his hospitality.
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So in that sense,
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he's the symbolic third side of the Middle East.
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He's the one who reminds us that we're all part of a greater whole.
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Now, think about that for a moment.
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Today, we face the scourge of terrorism.
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What is terrorism?
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Terrorism is basically taking an innocent stranger
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and treating them as an enemy whom you kill in order to create fear.
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What's the opposite of terrorism?
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It's taking an innocent stranger
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and treating them as a friend whom you welcome into your home,
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in order to sow and create understanding
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or respect, or love.
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So what if, then, you took the story of Abraham,
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which is a third-side story,
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what if that could be --
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because Abraham stands for hospitality --
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what if that could be an antidote to terrorism?
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What if that could be a vaccine against religious intolerance?
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How would you bring that story to life?
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Now, it's not enough just to tell a story.
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That's powerful, but people need to experience the story.
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They need to be able to live the story.
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How would you do that?
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And that was my thinking of how would you do that.
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And that's what comes to the first step here.
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Because the simple way to do that is:
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you go for a walk.
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You go for a walk in the footsteps of Abraham.
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You retrace the footsteps of Abraham.
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Because walking has a real power.
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You know, as an anthropologist, walking is what made us human.
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It's funny -- when you walk, you walk side-by-side,
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in the same common direction.
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Now if I were to come to you face-to-face
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and come this close to you,
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you would feel threatened.
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But if I walk shoulder-to-shoulder,
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even touching shoulders,
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it's no problem.
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Who fights while they walk?
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That's why in negotiations, often, when things get tough,
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people go for walks in the woods.
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So the idea came to me of, what about inspiring a path,
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a route -- think the Silk Route, think the Appalachian Trail --
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that followed in the footsteps of Abraham?
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People said, "That's crazy. You can't.
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You can't retrace the footsteps of Abraham -- it's too insecure,
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you've got to cross all these borders,
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it goes across 10 different countries in the Middle East,
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because it unites them all."
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And so we studied the idea at Harvard.
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We did our due diligence.
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And then a few years ago,
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a group of us, about 25 of us from 10 different countries,
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decided to see if we could retrace the footsteps of Abraham,
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going from his initial birthplace in the city of Urfa
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in Southern Turkey, Northern Mesopotamia.
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And we then took a bus and took some walks
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and went to Harran, where, in the Bible, he sets off on his journey.
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Then we crossed the border into Syria, went to Aleppo,
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which, turns out, is named after Abraham.
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We went to Damascus,
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which has a long history associated with Abraham.
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We then came to Northern Jordan,
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to Jerusalem -- which is all about Abraham -- to Bethlehem,
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and finally, to the place where he's buried, in Hebron.
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So effectively, we went from womb to tomb.
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We showed it could be done.
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It was an amazing journey.
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Let me ask you a question.
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How many of you have had the experience of being in a strange neighborhood
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or strange land,
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and a total stranger, perfect stranger,
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comes up to you and shows you some kindness --
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maybe invites you into their home, gives you a drink,
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gives you a coffee, gives you a meal?
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How many of you have ever had that experience?
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That's the essence of the Abraham Path.
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That's what you discover as you go into these villages in the Middle East
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where you expect hostility,
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and you get the most amazing hospitality,
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all associated with Abraham:
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"In the name of Father Ibrahim, let me offer you some food."
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So what we discovered
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is that Abraham is not just a figure out of a book for those people;
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he's alive, he's a living presence.
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And to make a long story short,
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in the last couple of years now,
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thousands of people have begun to walk parts of the path of Abraham
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in the Middle East,
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enjoying the hospitality of the people there.
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They've begun to walk in Israel and Palestine,
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in Jordan, in Turkey, in Syria.
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It's an amazing experience.
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Men, women, young people, old people --
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more women than men, actually, interestingly.
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For those who can't walk,
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who are unable to get there right now,
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people started to organize walks in cities, in their own communities.
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In Cincinnati, for instance, they organized a walk
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from a church to a mosque to a synagogue and all had an Abrahamic meal together.
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It was Abraham Path Day.
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In São Paulo, Brazil, it's become an annual event
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for thousands of people to run in a virtual Abraham Path Run,
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uniting the different communities.
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The media love it; they really adore it.
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They lavish attention on it because it's visual
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and it spreads the idea,
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this idea of Abrahamic hospitality, of kindness towards strangers.
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And just a couple weeks ago, there was an NPR story on it.
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Last month,
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there was a piece in the Manchester Guardian about it,
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two whole pages.
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And they quoted a villager
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who said, "This walk connects us to the world."
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He said, "It was like a light that went on in our lives --
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it brought us hope."
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And so that's what it's about.
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But it's not just about psychology;
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it's about economics.
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Because as people walk, they spend money.
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And this woman right here, Um Ahmad,
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is a woman who lives on the path in Northern Jordan.
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She's desperately poor.
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She's partially blind, her husband can't work,
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she's got seven kids.
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But what she can do is cook.
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And so she's begun to cook for some groups of walkers
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who come through the village and have a meal in her home.
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They sit on the floor -- she doesn't even have a tablecloth.
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She makes the most delicious food,
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that's fresh from the herbs in the surrounding countryside.
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And so more and more walkers have come,
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and lately she's begun to earn an income to support her family.
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And so she told our team there, she said,
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"You have made me visible
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in a village where people were once ashamed to look at me."
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That's the potential of the Abraham Path.
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There are literally hundreds of those kinds of communities
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across the Middle East, across the path.
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The potential is basically to change the game.
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And to change the game, you have to change the frame, the way we see things --
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to change the frame from hostility to hospitality,
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from terrorism to tourism.
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And in that sense, the Abraham Path
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is a game-changer.
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Let me just show you one thing.
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I have a little acorn here
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that I picked up while I was walking on the path earlier this year.
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Now, the acorn is associated with the oak tree, of course --
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grows into an oak tree, which is associated with Abraham.
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The path right now is like an acorn;
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it's still in its early phase.
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What would the oak tree look like?
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When I think back to my childhood,
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a good part of which I spent, after being born here in Chicago,
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I spent in Europe.
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If you had been in the ruins of, say, London in 1945, or Berlin,
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and you had said,
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"Sixty years from now,
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this is going to be the most peaceful, prosperous part of the planet,"
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people would have thought you were certifiably insane.
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But they did it, thanks to a common identity, Europe,
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and a common economy.
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So my question is, if it can be done in Europe,
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why not in the Middle East?
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Why not, thanks to a common identity, which is the story of Abraham,
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and thanks to a common economy that would be based, in good part, on tourism?
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So let me conclude, then,
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by saying that in the last 35 years,
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as I've worked in some of the most dangerous,
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difficult and intractable conflicts around the planet,
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I have yet to see one conflict that I felt could not be transformed.
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It's not easy, of course.
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But it's possible.
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It was done in South Africa.
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It was done in Northern Ireland.
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It could be done anywhere.
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It simply depends on us.
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It depends on us taking the third side.
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So let me invite you to consider taking the third side,
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even as a very small step.
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We're about to take a break in a moment.
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Just go up to someone
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who's from a different culture, a different country,
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a different ethnicity -- some difference --
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and engage them in a conversation.
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Listen to them.
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That's a third-side act.
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That's walking Abraham's Path.
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After a TED Talk,
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why not a TED Walk?
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(Laughter)
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So let me just leave you with three things.
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One is, the secret to peace is the third side.
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The third side is us.
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Each of us, with a single step,
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can take the world, can bring the world
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a step closer to peace.
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There's an old African proverb that goes:
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"When spiderwebs unite,
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they can halt even the lion."
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If we're able to unite our third-side webs of peace,
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we can even halt the lion of war.
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Thank you very much.
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(Applause)
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About this website

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