Why I must come out | Geena Rocero

譯者: Hao Li 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

The world makes you something that you're not,

世界讓你變得不是自己，

but you know inside what you are,

但你心裡知道自己是誰，

and that question burns in your heart:

於是，一個疑問在你心中熊熊燃燒：

How will you become that?

「你要怎麼變成那樣的人？」

I may be somewhat unique in this,

在這方面，我可能有些獨特，

but I am not alone,

但是我並不孤單，

not alone at all.

我不是一個人。

So when I became a fashion model,

所以，當我成為了一名模特兒時，

I felt that I'd finally achieved the dream

我覺得自己實現了夢想，

that I'd always wanted since I was a young child.

那可是從我兒時就夢寐以求的。

My outside self finally matched my inner truth,

我外在的自我最終追尋了我的真實選擇，

my inner self.

追尋了我內在的自我。

For complicated reasons which I'll get to later,

原因很複雜，之後我將緩緩道來。

when I look at this picture,

當我看著這張照片，

at that time I felt like, Geena, you've done it,

那時候我心想「吉娜，你已經做到了。

you've made it,

你已經成功了。

you have arrived.

你已經實現了夢想。」

But this past October,

但就在去年的 10 月，

I realized that I'm only just beginning.

我意識到我才剛剛開始。

All of us are put in boxes by our family,

我們都被我們的家庭所束縛，

by our religion,

被我們的宗教、

by our society,

被我們的社會、

our moment in history,

被歷史的片刻，

even our own bodies.

甚至是被我們的身體所束縛。

Some people have the courage to break free,

有些人擁有掙脫枷鎖的勇氣，

not to accept the limitations imposed by

不接受別人因為他們的膚色，

the color of their skin

or by the beliefs of those that surround them.

或者他們信仰的不同，而對他們所加的限制。

Those people are always the threat

這些人永遠都是

to the status quo,

對現狀的威脅，

to what is considered acceptable.

對大眾認知的威脅。

In my case, for the last nine years,

對我而言，過去九年中，

some of my neighbors,

我的一些鄰居、

some of my friends, colleagues, even my agent,

一些朋友、 同事，甚至是我的經紀人

did not know about my history.

他們都不知道我的過去。

I think, in mystery, this is called the reveal.

我想這就是所謂的揭示秘密。

Here is mine.

下面是我的（秘密）。

I was assigned boy at birth

我出生時是一個男孩，

based on the appearance of my genitalia.

這基於我的生殖器外觀。

I remember when I was five years old

我記得當我五歲的時候，

in the Philippines walking around our house,

在菲律賓，我們常常屋子附近散步，

I would always wear this t-shirt on my head.

我總是把這件T恤裹在頭上。

And my mom asked me,

於是，媽媽問我：

"How come you always wear that t-shirt on your head?"

「你為什麽總是把T恤裹在頭上呢？」

I said, "Mom, this is my hair. I'm a girl."

我說：「媽媽，這是我的頭髮。我是個女孩。」

I knew then how to self-identify.

我那時就知道該如何自我認同。

Gender has always been considered a fact,

性別，長久以來一直被 視為一個客觀事實，

immutable,

它是不可改變的。

but we now know it's actually more fluid,

但是現在我們知道，它其實更容易改變、

complex and mysterious.

複雜和神秘。

Because of my success, I never had the courage

因為我事業的成功，

to share my story,

我之前沒有勇氣分享我的故事，

not because I thought what I am is wrong,

不過，這並不是我覺得自己做錯了什麽。

but because of how the world treats those of us

而是因為世界對待我們這些

who wish to break free.

想要掙脫禁錮者的方式。

Every day,

每一天，

I am so grateful because I am a woman.

我都感激自己是個女人。

I have a mom and dad and family

我有我的媽媽、爸爸

who accepted me for who I am.

和接納我的家人。

Many are not so fortunate.

但很多人並非如此幸運。

There's a long tradition in Asian culture

在亞洲悠久的文化傳統中

that celebrates the fluid mystery of gender.

有紀念性別改變的宗教儀式。

There is a Buddhist goddess of compassion.

比如佛教的觀世音菩薩，

There is a Hindu goddess, hijra goddess.

和印度教的海吉拉女神。

So when I was eight years old,

因此，在我八歲的時候，

I was at a fiesta in the Philippines celebrating

我當時參加了一場菲律賓的宗教節慶。

these mysteries.

I was in front of the stage,

我站在舞臺上，

and I remember, out comes this beautiful woman

我記得，有一個美麗的女人

right in front of me,

就站在我的面前，

and I remember that moment something hit me:

我記得那一刻彷彿有東西擊中了我：

That is the kind of woman I would like to be.

「我要成為這樣的女人。」

So when I was 15 years old,

所以當我15歲的時候，

still dressing as a boy,

那時我依舊打扮成男孩的樣子，

I met this woman named T.L.

我遇到了一個名叫 T.L. 的女人。

She is a transgender beauty pageant manager.

她是一個變性人選美活動的經理。

That night she asked me,

那天晚上她問我：

"How come you are not joining the beauty pageant?"

「你怎麼不參加選美比賽？」

She convinced me that if I joined

她說服我，如果我參加的話

that she would take care of the registration fee

她將幫我繳納報名費

and the garments,

和服裝的費用。

and that night,

那晚，

I won best in swimsuit

我贏到了最佳泳衣

and best in long gown

和最佳長禮服，

and placed second runner up

並且在 40 多名選手的比賽中脫穎而出

among 40-plus candidates.

奪得了亞軍。

That moment changed my life.

那一刻改變了我的生活。

All of a sudden, I was introduced

突然間，我進入了

to the world of beauty pageants.

選美比賽的世界。

Not a lot of people could say that your first job

雖然，很多人沒辦法說自己第一份職業

is a pageant queen for transgender women,

是變性人界的選美皇后，

but I'll take it.

但我樂於接受。

So from 15 to 17 years old, I joined

所以從我 15 歲到 17 歲，我參加了

the most prestigious pageant

一場最負盛名的選美比賽，

to the pageant where it's at the back of the truck, literally,

差不多是一場在卡車後的選美比賽，

or sometimes it would be a pavement next to a rice field,

或者，有時候它會在稻田邊的路上舉行。

and when it rains --

有時天公不作美，

it rains a lot in the Philippines --

菲律賓總是經常下雨，

the organizers would have to move it

主辦單位會將活動轉移到

inside someone's house.

別人的房子裡。

I also experienced the goodness of strangers,

我也經親歷過陌生人的善良，

especially when we would travel

尤其是當我們旅行到

in remote provinces in the Philippines.

菲律賓的一些偏遠省份。

But most importantly, I met

但最重要的是，我遇到了

some of my best friends in that community.

在那個群體中的一些最好的朋友。

In 2001,

2001 年，

my mom, who had moved to San Francisco,

我的媽媽已經搬到舊金山，

called me and told me that my green card petition came through,

她打電話告訴我，我綠卡申請已經通過，

that I could now move to the United States.

現在，我可以搬去美國。

I resisted it.

但是我拒絕了。

I told my mom, "Mom, I'm having fun.

我告訴媽媽：「媽媽，我很開心。

I'm here with my friends,

這裡有我的朋友們，

I love traveling, being a beauty pageant queen."

我愛旅行，喜歡當選美皇后。」

But then two weeks later she called me, she said,

但兩週之後她又打電話給我，她說：

"Did you know that if you move to the United States

「你知道如果你移民到美國，

you could change your name and gender marker?"

你可以更改姓名和性別嗎？」

That was all I needed to hear.

有這句話就夠了。

My mom also told me to put two E's

我媽還建議我

in the spelling of my name.

把名字中間改成兩個『E』。

She also came with me when I had my surgery

當我要做手術時，她還來泰國陪著我，

in Thailand at 19 years old.

那年我19歲。

It's interesting, in some of the most rural cities in Thailand,

有趣的是，有些泰國最農村的城市

they perform some of the most prestigious,

正進行著一些最負盛名的、

safe and sophisticated surgery.

安全並且先進的外科手術。

At that time in the United States,

那時在美國，

you needed to have surgery

在你可以更改名字和性別之前，

before you could change your name and gender marker.

你需要先完成變性手術。

So in 2001, I moved to San Francisco,

因此，2001 年，我搬到舊金山。

and I remember looking at my California driver's license

我還記得看著我的加州駕照

with the name Geena

上面寫著名字「Geena，

and gender marker F.

女性」。

That was a powerful moment.

這是一個充滿能量的時刻。

For some people,

對某些人來說，

their I.D. is their license to drive

他們的身份證意味著有開車資格

or even to get a drink,

或是可以喝酒了。

but for me, that was my license to live,

但對我來說，那是我生活的許可證。

to feel dignified.

它讓我感覺到尊嚴。

All of a sudden, my fears were minimized.

突然間，我不再那麼害怕了。

I felt that I could conquer my dream

我覺得自己征服了夢想，

and move to New York and be a model.

然後，搬到了紐約並成為一名模特兒。

Many are not so fortunate.

許多人並不那麼幸運。

I think of this woman named Islan Nettles.

我想起這個名叫 Ayla Nettles 的女人。

She's from New York, she's a young woman

她來自紐約，

who was courageously living her truth,

是個勇敢面對自己內心選擇，

but hatred ended her life.

卻滿懷仇恨地結束生命的女人。

For most of my community,

對於我們這個群體的大多數人而言，

this is the reality in which we live.

這便是我們所生活的現實。

Our suicide rate is nine times higher

我們的自殺率

是一般大眾的9倍。

than that of the general population.

Every November 20,

每年的11月20日，

we have a global vigil

我們有一場紀念變性人日

for Transgender Day of Remembrance.

的全球守夜活動。

I'm here at this stage

我在這個舞臺上，

because it's a long history of people who fought

因為這是一段漫長的，

人民站起來對抗不公正的歷史。

and stood up for injustice.

This is Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera.

這是 Marsha P. Johnson 和 Sylvia Rivera。

Today, this very moment,

今天，是一個非同尋常的時刻，

is my real coming out.

今天我真正站了出來。

I could no longer live my truth

今天我可以不再一個人

for and by myself.

活在我的『真實選擇』中。

I want to do my best to help others

我要儘可能地幫助別人

live their truth without shame and terror.

活在沒有羞愧和恐懼的世界裡。

I am here, exposed,

我在這裡，坦蕩蕩地分享我的故事，

so that one day there will never be a need

總有一天，

我們將不再需要紀念每年的11月20日。

for a November 20 vigil.

My deepest truth allowed me to accept who I am.

我內心最深處的『真實選擇』 讓我能接受真正的自己。

Will you?

那麼你呢？

Thank you very much.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (Applause)

謝謝。（掌聲）

Kathryn Schulz: Geena, one quick question for you.

凱薩琳・舒爾茨： 吉娜，問你一個小問題。

I'm wondering what you would say,

我想知道你會說什麼，

especially to parents,

尤其是對父母，

but in a more broad way, to friends,

但是更廣泛地說，對朋友們，

to family, to anyone who finds themselves

對家庭，對任何一個發現他們自己

encountering a child or a person

遇到一個孩子或大人

who is struggling with and uncomfortable with

正因為性別的原因

a gender that's being assigned them,

而掙扎和不安。

what might you say

你將會

to the family members of that person

對他的家人說什麼

to help them become good and caring and kind

讓他們對這件事的態度

family members to them?

變得友善和關心？

Geena Rocero: Sure. Well, first, really, I'm so blessed.

吉娜・羅塞羅： 當然，是的，首先我很幸運。

The support system, with my mom especially,

對我的支持，特別是我的媽媽

and my family, that in itself

和我的家人，這本身

is just so powerful.

就如此強大。

I remember every time I would coach

我還記得，每次我輔導

young trans women, I would mentor them,

年輕的變性女士，指導她們（該怎麼做），

and sometimes when they would call me

有時候，她們會打電話給我

and tell me that their parents can't accept it,

告訴我她們的父母不能接受這一切，

I would pick up that phone call and tell my mom,

我會接那個電話，告訴我媽媽：

"Mom, can you call this woman?"

「媽，妳能幫我打電話給她母親嗎？」

And sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, so —

有時成功，有時失敗— —

But it's just, gender identity

性別認同是我們生命的核心，對嗎？

is in the core of our being, right?

I mean, we're all assigned gender at birth,

我是說，我們生來就有性別，

so what I'm trying to do

所以我試著要和他們談談

is to have this conversation that

sometimes that gender assignment doesn't match,

有時候性別沒有被合情分配的情況。

and there should be a space

因此，我們要留有些空間

that would allow people to self-identify,

允許這些人去認同自我，

and that's a conversation that we should have

這就是我們應該

with parents, with colleagues.

告訴父母、同事的。

The transgender movement,

變性人運動，

it's at the very beginning,

在它一開始的時候

to compare to how the gay movement started.

就被與同性戀運動的開端相比較。

There's still a lot of work that needs to be done.

我們還有很多工作要做。

There should be an understanding.

請保有一份理解。

There should be a space of curiosity

一份好奇心

and asking questions,

和疑問，

and I hope all of you guys will be my allies.

希望你們都是我的盟友。

KS: Thank you. That was so lovely. GR: Thank you.

凱薩琳・舒爾茨：謝謝你。真是太棒了。 吉娜・羅塞羅：謝謝你。

(Applause)

（掌聲）