A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | Maz Jobrani | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

譯者: Geoff Chen 審譯者: Coco Shen

Hello, Doha. Hello!

哈囉，杜哈。哈囉。Salaam alaikum！ （阿拉伯問候語：平安）

Salaam alaikum.

I love coming to Doha. It's such an international place.

我喜歡來杜哈，這是一個多麼國際化的地方。

It feels like the United Nations here.

這就像是 — — 這裡就像聯合國。

You land at the airport, and you're welcomed by an Indian lady

你抵達機場，然後一位印度女士來接送你，

who takes you to Al Maha Services, where you meet a Filipino lady

她帶你到 Al Maha 服務站， 在那你遇到一位菲律賓女士，

who hands you off to a South African lady

她又帶你去見一位南非來的女士，

然後這位女士又帶你去見一個韓國人，這人帶你

who then takes you to a Korean

who takes you to a Pakistani guy with the luggage

去見一個提著行李的巴基斯坦人，

who takes you to the car with a Sri Lankan.

這巴基斯坦人又帶你去找 一個開著車的斯里蘭卡人，

You go to the hotel and you check in. There's a Lebanese.

你去旅館報到，那裡有黎巴嫩人，

Yeah? And then a Swedish guy showed me my room.

是吧？然後一個瑞典人領我到房間，

I said, "Where are the Qataris?"

我問：「卡達人都在哪啊？」（笑聲）

(Laughter)

(Applause)

（掌聲）

They said, "No, no, it's too hot. They come out later. They're smart."

他們說：「不，不，天氣太熱了， 他們晚點才會出門。他們很聰明」

（笑聲）「他們知道。」

"They know."

(Laughter)

And of course, it's growing so fast, sometimes there's growing pains.

當然當一個城市發展得很快， 煩惱也隨之增長。

You know, like sometimes you run into people

你知道，比如，有時候你遇見某些人，

that you think know the city well, but they don't know it that well.

這些人非常瞭解這個城市， 但他們事實上沒那麼瞭解。

My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,

我的印度計程車司機在 W 飯店

我要他帶我去喜來登，

and I asked him to take me to the Sheraton,

and he said, "No problem, sir."

他說：「沒問題，先生。」

And then we sat there for two minutes.

然後我們在那裡坐了兩分鐘，

I said, "What's wrong?" He said, "One problem, sir."

我說，「有什麼不對勁嗎？」 他說：「先生，有一個問題。」

(Laughter)

I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"

我說：「什麼問題？」 他說：「喜來登在哪裡？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I go, "You're the driver, you should know."

我說：「你是司機，你應該知道才對。」 他說：「不，先生，我才剛到這裡。」

He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."

I go, "You just arrived at the W?" "No, I just arrived in Doha, sir."

我問：「你剛剛到達 W 飯店？」 「不，先生，我才剛到杜哈，

(Laughter)

我在從機場回家的路上找到了工作，

"I was on my way home from the airport,

I got a job. I'm working already."

就馬上開始上班了。」

(Laughter)

He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"

他說：「先生，你為什麼不開車？」

(Laughter)

"I don't know where we're going."

我說：「我不知道我們要去哪裡？」

"Neither do I. It will be an adventure, sir."

「我也不知道。先生，這將是一段冒險。」

(Laughter)

The Middle East has been an adventure the past couple of years.

這是一段冒險，過去幾年來， 中東地區一直都是一段冒險行程。

It is going crazy with the Arab Spring and revolution and all this.

中東正為阿拉伯之春狂熱著，

為革命以及所有這一切狂熱著。 今晚在這兒有黎巴嫩人嗎？

Are there any Lebanese here tonight, by applause?

黎巴嫩人請鼓掌（掌聲）黎巴嫩人。

(Cheering)

Lebanese, yeah.

是啊，中東正狂熱著。

The Middle East is going crazy.

You know the Middle East is going crazy

你們知道，正當中東正狂熱著的時候，

when Lebanon is the most peaceful place in the region.

黎巴嫩卻是這區域最和平的地方。

（笑聲）（掌聲）

(Laughter) (Applause)

誰會想到啊？哦天啊。

Who would have thought?

(Laughter)

Oh my gosh.

不，在這區域有嚴重的問題。

No, there's serious issues in the region.

有些人不想談論這些；今晚在這兒，我就要談一談。

Some people don't want to talk about them. I'm here to talk about them tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East, here's a serious issue.

各位中東的先生女士們，

這區域有個嚴重的問題：當我們看到彼此時，

When we see each other, when we say hello,

當我們說你好，我們要親幾次吻？

how many kisses are we going to do?

(Laughter)

Every country is different and it's confusing, okay?

每個國家都不同，這很令人困惑，好嗎？

在黎巴嫩，他們親三次， 在埃及，他們親兩次，

In Lebanon, they do three.

In Egypt, they do two.

I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.

我在黎巴嫩時已經習慣了親三次。

我跑去埃及，我對一個埃及人說哈囉，

I went to Egypt. I went to say hello to this one Egyptian guy,

I went, one, two. I went for three --

我親了，一次，兩次，當我準備 親第三次時，他受夠了。

He wasn't into it.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I told him, I said, "No, no, I was just in Lebanon."

我告訴他，我說：「不，不，不，我剛才在黎巴嫩。」

他說：「我管你剛才在哪，你就 待在你原來的地方吧，待那就好。」

He goes, "I don't care where you were. You just stay where you are, please."

(Laughter) (Applause)

我跑去沙烏地阿拉伯。 在沙烏地阿拉伯， 他們親一次， 兩次，

I went to Saudi Arabia.

In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two, and then they stay on the same side:

然後他們留在同一側——3、4、5、6、

three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

7、8、9、 10、 11、 12、 13、 14、 15、 16、 17、 18。

10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 --

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.

下次你們見到沙烏地阿拉伯人， 你們仔細觀察，他們姿勢有點傾斜。

They're just a little bit tilted.

(Laughter)

"Abdul, are you okay?"

「阿卜杜勒，你還好吧？」 「還可以，我說哈囉說了半小時。」

"I was saying hello for half an hour. I'll be all right."

「我會沒事的。」

(Laughter)

Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.

卡達人，你們這些傢伙鼻子碰鼻子。

Why is that? Are you too tired to go all the way around?

這是為什麼？你們太累了， 不能這麼繞一便親吻嗎？

(Laughter)

"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here for a second. Say hello.

「Habibi（阿拉伯語：朋友） 好熱，我剛到這裡，說你好。

Hello, Habibi. Just don't move. Just stay there, please.

你好，Habibi。別動，請留在那裡，

I need to rest."

我需要休息。」

(Laughter)

Iranians, sometimes we do two, sometimes we do three.

每個國家 — — 伊朗人， 有時我們親兩次，有時我們親三次，

A friend of mine explained to me, before the '79 revolution, it was two.

我的一個朋友向我解釋， 在 1979 年革命以前是兩次；

革命後，是三次。

(Laughter)

After the revolution, three.

So with Iranians, you can tell whose side the person is on

所以和伊朗人在一起時， 你可以根據他們親吻你的數次

來辨別他們支持的陣營。

based on the number of kisses they give you.

是啊，如果你親一次、兩次、 三次 — — 「噢我真敢不相信你支持這個政權

Yeah, if you go one, two, three -- "I can't believe you support this regime!"

(Laughter)

你親三次。」

"With your three kisses."

(Laughter)

但是，不，各位，真的， 來到這裡真的很令人興奮，

But no, guys, really, it is exciting to be here,

and like I said, you guys are doing a lot culturally,

就像我說過的，你們在文化上做了很多事，

you know, and it's amazing,

你知道，這很棒的，它有助於

and it helps change the image of the Middle East in the West.

改變中東地區在西方的形象， 比如，很多美國人

A lot of Americans don't know a lot about us, about the Middle East.

不瞭解我們，也不瞭解中東地區，

I'm Iranian and American. I'm there. I know, I've traveled here.

我是伊朗人也是美國人， 我在那裡。我知道，我到這兒旅行過。

There's so much, we laugh, right?

很多人不理解，我們也會笑，是吧？

People don't know we laugh.

他們不知道我們會笑。當我巡迴 表演「邪惡軸心」喜劇的時候，

When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour, it came out on Comedy Central,

它上了<喜劇中心>節目後，我上網

I went online to see what people were saying.

看看人們怎麼評價它， 最後我來到一個保守的網站，

I ended up on a conservative website.

One guy wrote another guy. He said, "I never knew these people laughed."

一個傢伙留言另一個傢伙， 他說：「我從來不知道這些人會笑。」

Think about it. You never see us laughing in American film or television, right?

想想看，你永遠不會看到我們在 美國電視或電影裡頭笑，對吧？

如果有的話就像魔鬼...... 像這樣：「唔吼哈哈， 唔吼哈哈。」（笑聲）

Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha."

(Laughter)

"I will kill you in the name of Allah, wuhahahahaha."

我會以阿拉的名殺了你， 「唔吼哈哈哈哈哈。」

(Laughter)

但從來沒有像這樣： 「哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈。」

But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la."

(Laughter)

We like to laugh. We like to celebrate life.

我們喜歡笑，我們喜歡慶祝生命。

And I wish more Americans would travel here.

我希望更多美國人會來這裡旅行， 我總是鼓勵我的朋友們：

I always encourage my friends:

去旅行，去看看中東，那裡有 許多東西可看，許多很棒的人。

"Travel, see the Middle East,

there's so much to see, so many good people."

反之亦然，它有助於消除

And it's vice versa, and it helps stop problems

of misunderstanding and stereotypes from happening.

由誤解和成見所造成的問題。

For example, I don't know if you heard about this,

例如，我不知道你們是否聽過這事，

前陣子在美國，有一個穆斯林家庭

a little while ago in the US, there was a Muslim family

在飛機走道上邊走邊聊，

walking down the aisle of an airplane,

他們聊到飛機上最安全的座位，

talking about the safest place to sit on the plane.

Some passengers overheard them,

一些乘客聽到他們說話，

somehow misconstrued that as terrorist talk,

誤以為那是關於恐怖份子的對話， 於是把他們趕下飛機。

got them kicked off the plane.

It was a family, a mother, father, child, talking about the seating.

那是一個家庭， 母親、 父親、 孩子， 他們走在過道上，

聊著座位的事。現在，作為一個中東男人，

As a Middle Eastern male,

我知道在美國的飛機上

I know there's certain things I'm not supposed to say

on an airplane in the US, right?

有某些東西我不應該說，是吧？

I'm not supposed to be walking down the aisle,

比如說，我不應該走在走道上說：

and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool.

「嗨，傑克。」你知道，這一點都不酷。（聲同劫機）

(Laughter)

Even if I'm there with my friend named Jack, I say,

就算我和我的朋友傑克在一起，我會說：

「傑克，我向你致上問候。」

"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."

從來不是「嗨，傑克。」

Never "Hi, Jack."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But now, apparently we can't even talk

但現在顯然我們甚至不能談論

about the safest place to sit on an airplane.

飛機上最安全的座位！

So my advice to all my Middle Eastern friends and Muslim friends

所以我給我所有中東和穆斯林朋友

和任何看起來像中東或穆斯林人，

and anyone who looks Middle Eastern or Muslim,

也包含，你知道的，印度人和拉丁美洲人的忠告是......

so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos, everyone, if you're brown --

如果你是棕色的

(Laughter)

Here's my advice to my brown friends.

這是我給我棕色朋友們的建議：

(Laughter)

The next time you're on an airplane in the US,

下一次你在美國的飛機上

just speak your mother tongue.

就只說你的母語，

That way no one knows what you're saying. Life goes on.

這樣就沒人知道你在說什麼了，繼續過生活。

(Laughter)

但有些母語聽起來

Granted, some mother tongues might sound a little threatening

對一般的美國民眾有點威脅性，是吧？

to the average American.

如果你在走道上說阿拉伯文，

If you're walking down the aisle speaking Arabic,

你可能會惹火他們，如果你邊走邊說：「[阿拉伯文]」，

you might freak them out --

(Imitating Arabic)

他們可能會問：「他在講什麽？」

They might say, "What's he talking about?"

所以，我的阿拉伯兄弟和姐妹們，關鍵是

The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,

你在走道上邊走邊說時， 一定要隨便丟出一些好詞

is to throw in random good words to put people at ease

as you're walking down the aisle.

要讓人們放心。

Just as you're walking down --

像這樣邊走邊說：「[模仿阿拉伯文]— —

(Imitating Arabic)

草莓！」

Strawberry!

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Imitating Arabic)

「[模仿阿拉伯文]— —彩虹！」

Rainbow!

(Laughter)

(Imitating Arabic)

「[模仿阿拉伯文]— —水果冰！」

Tutti Frutti!

(Laughter)

"I think he's going to hijack the plane with some ice cream."

「我想他打算用一些冰淇淋劫持飛機。」

謝謝。大家晚安。

Thank you very much. Have a good night.

謝謝，TED。（歡呼）（掌聲）

Thank you, TED.

(Cheers) (Applause)