A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | Maz Jobrani | TED

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Prevoditelj: Senzos Osijek Recezent: Ena Mehić

Hello, Doha. Hello!

Zdravo, Doha. Zdravo. Selam alejkum.

Salaam alaikum.

I love coming to Doha. It's such an international place.

Volim doći u Dohu. To je tako međunarodno mjesto.

It feels like the United Nations here.

Osjećam se kao da su ovdje Ujedinjeni narodi.

You land at the airport, and you're welcomed by an Indian lady

Sletite u zračnu luku i dočeka vas Indijka

who takes you to Al Maha Services, where you meet a Filipino lady

koja vas odvede do servisa Al Maha, gdje vas dočeka Filipinka

who hands you off to a South African lady

koja vas usmjeri Južnoafrikanki

koja vas nakon toga odvede do Korejca, koji vas odvede do

who then takes you to a Korean

who takes you to a Pakistani guy with the luggage

Pakistanca s prtljagom,

who takes you to the car with a Sri Lankan.

koji vas odvede do automobila u kojem je Šrilančanin.

You go to the hotel and you check in. There's a Lebanese.

Odete do hotela i prijavite se; tu je Libanonac.

Yeah? And then a Swedish guy showed me my room.

Je li tako? A zatim mi je Šveđanin pokazao sobu.

I said, "Where are the Qataris?"

Pitao sam: „A gdje su Katarci?“ (Smijeh)

(Laughter)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

They said, "No, no, it's too hot. They come out later. They're smart."

Rekli su mi: „Ne, ne, prevruće je. Oni izlaze kasnije. Pametni su.“

(Smijeh) „Oni znaju."

"They know."

(Laughter)

And of course, it's growing so fast, sometimes there's growing pains.

I, naravno, sve toliko brzo raste pa ponekad bude problema tijekom tog rasta.

You know, like sometimes you run into people

Znate, ponekad naletite na ljude za koje mislite

that you think know the city well, but they don't know it that well.

da dobro poznaju grad, ali ipak ga ne poznaju toliko dobro.

My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,

Pred hotelom W dočekao me taksist Indijac.

Zamolio sam ga da me odveze do Sheratona,

and I asked him to take me to the Sheraton,

and he said, "No problem, sir."

a on je rekao: „Nema problema, gospodine.“

And then we sat there for two minutes.

I onda smo tako sjedili dvije minute u autu.

I said, "What's wrong?" He said, "One problem, sir."

Pitao sam što se događa. Rekao je: „Jedan problem, gospodine.“

(Laughter)

I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"

Kažem: „Koji?“, a on će: „Gdje je to?“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I go, "You're the driver, you should know."

Ja kažem: „Ti si vozač, ti bi trebao znati.“ A on će na to: „Ne, tek sam stigao, gospodine.“

He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."

I go, "You just arrived at the W?" "No, I just arrived in Doha, sir."

Kažem: „Tek ste stigli pred hotel?“ „Ne, tek sam stigao u Dohu, gospodine.

(Laughter)

Išao sam od zračne luke prema stanu, dobio sam posao

"I was on my way home from the airport,

I got a job. I'm working already."

i već radim.“

(Laughter)

He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"

Nastavlja: „Gospodine, zašto ne biste vi vozili?“

(Laughter)

"I don't know where we're going."

A ja kažem: „Ne znam kamo idemo.“

"Neither do I. It will be an adventure, sir."

„Ne znam ni ja. Bit će to pustolovina, gospodine.“

(Laughter)

The Middle East has been an adventure the past couple of years.

To je pustolovina. Bliski istok je prava pustolovina posljednjih nekoliko godina.

It is going crazy with the Arab Spring and revolution and all this.

Bliski istok je poludio s arapskim proljećem,

revolucijama i svim tim stvarima. Ima li večeras ovdje Libanonaca?

Are there any Lebanese here tonight, by applause?

Bi li Libanonci zapljeskali? (Pljesak) Libanonci.

(Cheering)

Lebanese, yeah.

Da, Bliski istok je poludio.

The Middle East is going crazy.

You know the Middle East is going crazy

Znate da je Bliski istok poludio

when Lebanon is the most peaceful place in the region.

kad je Libanon najmirnije mjesto u regiji.

(Smijeh) (Pljesak)

(Laughter) (Applause)

Tko bi se tome nadao?

Who would have thought?

(Laughter)

Oh my gosh.

Ali u regiji ima ozbiljnih problema.

No, there's serious issues in the region.

Neki ljudi ne žele razgovarati o njima. Ja sam večeras ovdje kako bih govorio o njima.

Some people don't want to talk about them. I'm here to talk about them tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East, here's a serious issue.

Dame i gospodo Bliskog istoka,

evo ozbiljnog problema: kad se vidimo

When we see each other, when we say hello,

i pozdravimo, koliko ćemo si poljubaca dati?

how many kisses are we going to do?

(Laughter)

Every country is different and it's confusing, okay?

U svakoj je zemlji drugačije i to zbunjuje, OK?

U Libanonu su tri. U Egiptu dva.

In Lebanon, they do three.

In Egypt, they do two.

I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.

Bio sam u Libanonu i navikao sam na tri.

Otišao sam u Egipat i krenuo pozdraviti jednog Egipćanina.

I went to Egypt. I went to say hello to this one Egyptian guy,

I went, one, two. I went for three --

Jedan, dva, krenem na treći. On baš i nije bio za to.

He wasn't into it.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I told him, I said, "No, no, I was just in Lebanon."

Kažem mu: „Ne, ne, ne, nedavno sam bio u Libanonu.“

A on će: „Nije me briga gdje si bio. Samo ostani tu gdje jesi, molim te. Ostani tu gdje jesi.“

He goes, "I don't care where you were. You just stay where you are, please."

(Laughter) (Applause)

Bio sam i u Saudijskoj Arabiji. Ondje idu jedan, dva,

I went to Saudi Arabia.

In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two, and then they stay on the same side:

onda ostanu na istoj strani – tri, četiri, pet, šest,

three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

sedam, osam, devet, deset, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.

10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.

Sljedeći put kad vidite Saudijca, dobro pogledajte. Glava im je malo nagnuta u stranu.

They're just a little bit tilted.

(Laughter)

"Abdul, are you okay?"

,,Abdul, jesi li dobro?“ „Ma jesam, pozdravljao sam se pola sata.

"I was saying hello for half an hour. I'll be all right."

Bit ću dobro.“

(Laughter)

Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.

Katarci, vi radite ono s nosovima.

Why is that? Are you too tired to go all the way around?

Zašto? Jeste li preumorni da biste išli s jedne strane na drugu?

(Laughter)

"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here for a second. Say hello.

„Habibi, tako je vruće. Dođi na sekundu da se pozdravimo.“

Hello, Habibi. Just don't move. Just stay there, please.

,,Zdravo, Habibi. Nemoj se micati. Tu budi, molim te.

I need to rest."

Moram se odmoriti.“

(Laughter)

Iranians, sometimes we do two, sometimes we do three.

Svaka zemlja – Iranci, mi ponekad imamo dva, ponekad tri.

A friend of mine explained to me, before the '79 revolution, it was two.

Prijatelj mi je objasnio da su prije revolucije 1979. godine

bila dva. Nakon revolucije tri.

(Laughter)

After the revolution, three.

So with Iranians, you can tell whose side the person is on

Kod Iranaca, dakle, možete znati na čijoj je netko strani

prema broju poljubaca koje vam daje.

based on the number of kisses they give you.

Ako vi krenete jedan, dva, tri – „Ne mogu vjerovati da podržavaš ovaj režim

Yeah, if you go one, two, three -- "I can't believe you support this regime!"

(Laughter)

s ta tvoja tri poljupca.“

"With your three kisses."

(Laughter)

Ne, ljudi, stvarno, uzbudljivo je biti ovdje,

But no, guys, really, it is exciting to be here,

and like I said, you guys are doing a lot culturally,

i kao što sam rekao, mnogo ste toga učinili kulturološki

you know, and it's amazing,

i to je stvarno divno i pomaže promijeniti sliku

and it helps change the image of the Middle East in the West.

Bliskog istoka na Zapadu. Mnogo Amerikanaca

A lot of Americans don't know a lot about us, about the Middle East.

ne zna mnogo o nama, o Bliskom istoku.

I'm Iranian and American. I'm there. I know, I've traveled here.

Ja sam Iranac i Amerikanac. Živim ondje, putovao sam ovamo.

There's so much, we laugh, right?

Ima toga puno. Mi se smijemo, zar ne?

People don't know we laugh.

Ljudi ne znaju da se smijemo. Kad sam bio na komičarskoj turneji Osovina zla,

When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour, it came out on Comedy Central,

emitirala se na Comedy Centralu i otišao sam online

I went online to see what people were saying.

vidjeti što ljudi komentiraju na to. Završio sam na konzervativnoj internetskoj stranici.

I ended up on a conservative website.

One guy wrote another guy. He said, "I never knew these people laughed."

Jedan tip odgovara drugom tipu: „Nisam znao da se ti ljudi smiju.“

Think about it. You never see us laughing in American film or television, right?

Razmislite o tome. U američkim filmovima i na TV-u nikad se ne vidi da se smijemo, zar ne?

Možda kao da smo zli – nešto kao: „Wuhahaha, wuhahaha. (Smijeh)

Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha."

(Laughter)

"I will kill you in the name of Allah, wuhahahahaha."

Ubit ću vas u ime Alaha, wuhahahaha.“

(Laughter)

Ali nikad kao „ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.“

But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la."

(Laughter)

We like to laugh. We like to celebrate life.

Volimo se smijati, volimo slaviti život.

And I wish more Americans would travel here.

I volio bih kad bi više Amerikanaca putovalo ovamo. Uvijek sam poticao prijatelje:

I always encourage my friends:

„Putujte, pogledajte Bliski istok; ondje ima toliko toga za vidjeti, toliko dobrih ljudi.“

"Travel, see the Middle East,

there's so much to see, so many good people."

To ide i u obrnutom smjeru, pomaže

And it's vice versa, and it helps stop problems

of misunderstanding and stereotypes from happening.

da uopće ne dođe do problema pogrešnog razumijevanja i stereotipa.

For example, I don't know if you heard about this,

Na primjer, ne znam jeste li čuli,

nedavno je u SAD-u muslimanska obitelj

a little while ago in the US, there was a Muslim family

hodala prolazom u zrakoplovu

walking down the aisle of an airplane,

razgovarajući o najsigurnijem mjestu za sjesti u avionu.

talking about the safest place to sit on the plane.

Some passengers overheard them,

Čuli su ih neki putnici, pogrešno zaključili

somehow misconstrued that as terrorist talk,

da se radi o terorističkom razgovoru i tražili su da ih se izbaci iz aviona.

got them kicked off the plane.

It was a family, a mother, father, child, talking about the seating.

To je bila obitelj: majka, otac i dijete. Hodali su zrakoplovom

i razgovarali o sjedenju. Kao muškarac s Bliskog istoka,

As a Middle Eastern male,

znam da postoje određene stvari koje ne smijem reći

I know there's certain things I'm not supposed to say

on an airplane in the US, right?

u zrakoplovu u SAD-u, zar ne?

I'm not supposed to be walking down the aisle,

Ne smijem, recimo, hodati prolazom između sjedala

and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool.

i reći: „Hej, Jack!“ Znate, to nije cool.

(Laughter)

Even if I'm there with my friend named Jack, I say,

Čak i ako sam sa svojim prijateljem koji se zove Jack, kažem:

,,Zdravo, Jack! Pozdrav, Jack!“

"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."

Nikada „Hej, Jack!“ (hijack - otmica)

Never "Hi, Jack."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But now, apparently we can't even talk

No sada, očito, više ne smijemo razgovarati

about the safest place to sit on an airplane.

ni o najsigurnijem mjestu u zrakoplovu.

So my advice to all my Middle Eastern friends and Muslim friends

Dakle, moj je savjet svim prijateljima s Bliskog istoka, prijateljima muslimanima

i svima koji izgledaju kao da su s Bliskog istoka ili da su muslimani,

and anyone who looks Middle Eastern or Muslim,

znate: Indijci, Latinosi, svi,

so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos, everyone, if you're brown --

ako ste tamnoputi –

(Laughter)

Here's my advice to my brown friends.

evo mog savjeta tamnoputim prijateljima.

(Laughter)

The next time you're on an airplane in the US,

Sljedeći put kad se nađete u zrakoplovu u SAD-u,

just speak your mother tongue.

samo govorite materinskim jezikom.

That way no one knows what you're saying. Life goes on.

Na taj način nitko ne zna što govorite. Život ide dalje.

(Laughter)

Doduše, neki materinski jezici mogu

Granted, some mother tongues might sound a little threatening

prosječnom Amerikancu zvučati pomalo prijeteće, zar ne?

to the average American.

Ako hodate prolazom u avionu govoreći arapski,

If you're walking down the aisle speaking Arabic,

mogli biste ih izbezumiti, ako hodate i [arapski],

you might freak them out --

(Imitating Arabic)

mogli bi reći: „O čemu to govori?“

They might say, "What's he talking about?"

Dakle, ključ je za vas, moja arapska braćo i sestre,

The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,

tu i tamo ubaciti par dobrih riječi kako biste umirili ljude

is to throw in random good words to put people at ease

as you're walking down the aisle.

dok hodate prolazom u avionu.

Just as you're walking down --

Znači dok hodate: „[Imitira arapski] –

(Imitating Arabic)

jagoda!“

Strawberry!

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Imitating Arabic)

„[Imitira arapski] – duga!“

Rainbow!

(Laughter)

(Imitating Arabic)

„[Imitira arapski] – Tutti Frutti!“

Tutti Frutti!

(Laughter)

"I think he's going to hijack the plane with some ice cream."

„Mislim da će oteti zrakoplov pomoću sladoleda!“

Hvala vam svima! Ugodnu večer želim!

Thank you very much. Have a good night.

Hvala, TED! (Zvižduci) (Pljesak)

Thank you, TED.

(Cheers) (Applause)