What we don't teach kids about sex | Sue Jaye Johnson

Prevodilac: Ivana Korom Lektor: Aleksandar Korom

I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.

Sećam se kako mi je tetka češljala kosu kad sam bila mala.

I felt this tingling in my stomach,

Osećala sam jedno golicanje u stomaku,

this swelling in my belly.

kao da mi se stomak naduo.

All her attention on me,

Sva njena pažnja posvećena meni,

just me.

samo meni.

My beautiful Aunt Bea,

Moja prelepa tetka Bi,

stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush.

koja me nežno češlja četkom za kosu.

Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?

Imate li i vi takva sećanja koja možete osetiti u svom telu sada?

Before language,

Pre govora,

we're all sensation.

osećaj je ono što nas čini.

As children, that's how we learn

Kao deca tako učimo

to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch.

da zauzmemo svoje mesto u svetu - dodirom.

Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin.

Svaka draž dolazi kroz usta, na ruke, na kožu.

Sensation --

Osećaj -

it is the way that we first experience love.

preko njega prvi put iskušavamo ljubav.

It's the basis of human connection.

On je osnova ljudske povezanosti.

We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.

Želimo da, kad nam deca porastu, imaju zdrave intimne odnose.

So as parents,

Stoga kao roditelji,

one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.

jedna od naših obaveza je da pričamo sa svojom decom o seksu.

We have books to help us,

Kao pomoć imamo knjige,

we have sex ed at school for the basics.

u školama se predaje seksualno obrazovanje za najosnovnije.

There's porn to fill in the gaps --

A tu je i pornografija da popuni rupe -

and it will fill in the gaps.

i popuniće rupe.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics,

Vodimo sa svojom decom "razgovor" o biologiji i tehnikalijama

about pregnancy and safe sex,

oko trudnoće i bezbednog seksa,

and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about.

i naša deca onda odrastu misleći da je to sve što se tiče seksa.

But we can do better than that.

Ali mi možemo bolje od toga.

We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire,

Možemo svoje sinove i kćeri da učimo uživanju i strasti,

about consent and boundaries,

saglasnosti i granicama,

about what it feels like to be present in their body

tome šta znači biti prisutan u sopstvenom telu

and to know when they're not.

i da znaju kada to nisu.

And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play,

I to radimo na način kojim dodirujemo, kojim se igramo,

make eye contact --

kojim se gledamo u oči -

all the ways that we engage their senses.

na sve načine kojim uključujemo njihova čula.

We can teach our children not just about sex,

Nije samo seks ono čemu svoju decu treba da naučimo,

but about sensuality.

već je to i osećajnost.

This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.

Ovakav razgovor je meni bio potreban kao devojčici.

I was extremely sensitive,

Bila sam veoma osetljiva,

but by the time I was an adolescent,

a dok sam ušla u adolescenciju,

I had numbed out.

ta osetljivost je nestala.

The shame of boys mocking my changing body

Osećaj osramoćenosti kad su me dečaci ismevali zbog mog tela u promeni,

and then girls exiling me for,

a devojčice me izopštavale zbog,

ironically, my interest in boys,

nije li ironično, mog interesovanja za dečake,

it was so much.

je bio previše.

I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing;

Nisam mogla da sročim to kroz šta sam prolazila;

I didn't know it was going to pass.

nisam znala da će to proći.

So I did the best thing I could at the time

Stoga sam uradila najbolje što sam tad mogla

and I checked out.

i isključila se.

And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings,

I jer nije moguće izolovati samo neprijatne emocije

so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play,

izgubila sam tako i osećaj sreće, zadovoljstva, igre,

and I spent decades like that,

i tako sam provela decenije,

with this his low-grade depression,

u ovoj depresiji nižeg stepena,

thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.

u zabludi da ovo znači biti odrastao.

For the past year,

Proteklih godinu dana

I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex

sam ispitivala muškarce i žene o njihovom odnosu prema seksu

and I've heard my story again and again.

i čula svoju priču više puta.

Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much.

Devojčice kojima je rečeno da su preosetljive.

Boys who were taught to man up --

Dečaci od kojih se očekuje snaga -

"don't be so emotional."

"ne budi tako osetljiv."

I learned I was not alone in checking out.

Saznala sam da se nisam samo ja isključila.

It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel.

Moja ćerka me je podsetila koliko mnogo sam pre osećala.

We were at the beach.

Bili smo na plaži.

It was this rare day.

Bio je nesvakidašnji dan.

I turned off my cell phone,

Isključila sam mobilni,

put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls."

zapisala u kalendar, "Dan na plaži sa decom."

I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf

Položila sam nam peškire tek van dohvata morske pene

and fell asleep.

i zaspala.

And when I woke up,

I kad sam se probudila,

I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,

videla sam kako moja ćerka posipa ruku peskom baš ovako,

and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin

i mogla sam da osetim taj lagani pad peska na njenu kožu

and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.

i setila se trenutka kada mi je tetka češljala kosu.

So I curled up next to her

Tako sam se onda ušunjala do nje

and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.

i posula malo peska na njenu drugu ruku, a potom i na njene noge.

And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?"

I onda sam je upitala: "Ej, hoćeš da te zakopam?"

And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!"

I široko otvorenih očiju je rekla: "Da!"

So we dug a hole

I tako smo iskopale rupu,

and I covered her in sand and shells

prekrila sam je peskom i školjkama

and drew this little mermaid tail.

i napravila joj maleni rep sirene.

And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower

Onda sam je odvela kući i nasapunjala je u kadi,

and massaged her scalp

masirala joj glavu,

and I dried her off in a towel.

te je osušila peškirom.

And I thought,

I pomislih:

"Ah. How many times had I done that --

"Ah. Koji put već ovo radim -

bathed her and dried her off --

kupanje, sušenje -

but had I ever stopped and paid attention

a nikad do sad nisam zastala i obratila pažnju

to the sensations that I was creating for her?"

na osećaje, senzacije koje joj stvaram?"

I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line

Tretirala sam je kao da je na nekoj pokretnoj traci dece

of children needing to be fed and put to bed.

koju treba nahraniti i uspavati.

And I realized

I shvatila sam

that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,

da kad ćerku obrišem peškirom nežno kako bi to ljubavnik uradio,

I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch.

učim je da očekuje takvu vrstu dodira.

I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy.

U tom trenutku je učim intimnosti.

About how to love her body and respect her body.

Tome kako da voli i poštuje svoje telo.

I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.

Shvatila sam da se seks ne može u potpunosti izraziti rečima.

In her book, "Girls and Sex,"

U svojoj knjizi "Girls and Sex,"

writer Peggy Orenstein finds

spisateljica Pegi Orenstin kaže

that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure,

da se devojke koncentrišu da zadovolje svog partnera,

not their own.

a ne sebe.

This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older,

O ovakvim stvarima ću razgovarti sa svojim ćerkama kad malo porastu,

but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure

ali za sada trudim se da im pomognem da osveste šta im pričinjava zadovoljstvo

and to practice articulating that.

i da vežbaju da to artikulišu.

"Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in.

"Češkaj mi leđa," kaže mi kćer, dok je ušuškavam.

And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?"

A ja joj odgovorim, "U redu, kako želiš da ti češkam leđa?"

"I don't know," she says.

"Ne znam," odgovori ona.

So I pause, waiting for her directions.

Onda ja sačekam njena uputstva.

Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right,

Napokon kaže ona, "U redu, gore pa nadesno,

like you're tickling me."

kao kad bi me golicala."

I run my fingertips up her spine.

Idem prstima gore-dole uz njenu kićmu.

"What else?" I ask.

"Šta još?", pitam.

"Over to the left, a little harder now."

"Levo, malo jače sada."

We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations

Moramo da naučimo svoju decu kako da izražavaju svoje osećaje

so they're familiar with them.

da bi se s njima upoznali.

I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this.

Tražim načine da igram igre kod kuće sa mojim devojčicama da bih to radila.

I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say,

Ogrebem noktima ćerkinu ruku i kažem:

"Give me one word to describe this."

"Opiši mi ovo jednom rečju."

"Violent," she says.

"Nasilno", kaže ona.

I embrace her, hold her tight.

Zagrlim je, čvrsto.

"Protected," she tells me.

"Zaštićeno", kaže mi ona.

I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling,

Pronalazim prilike da im kažem kako se ja osećam,

what I'm experiencing,

šta doživljavam,

so we have common language.

kako bismo govorile istim jezikom.

Like right now,

Upravo sad,

this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.

ti žmarci niz kičmu znače da sam nervozna i uzbuđena.

You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me.

Vi verovatno doživljavate osećaje kao odgovor na mene.

The language I'm using,

Jezik koji koristim,

the ideas I'm sharing.

ideje koje delim.

And our tendency is to judge these reactions

Imamo tendenciju da sudimo o tim reakcijama

and sort them into a hierarchy:

i poređamo ih hijerarhijski:

better or worse,

bolje ili gore,

and then seek or avoid them.

a onda ih tražimo ili izbegavamo.

And that's because we live in this binary culture

A to je zato što živimo u ovoj binarnoj kulturi

and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.

i od ranih dana smo učeni da delimo svet na dobar i loš.

"Did you like that book?"

"Da li ti se dopala ta knjiga?"

"Did you have a good day?"

"Da li ti je dan bio dobar?"

How about, "What did you notice about that story?"

Kako bi bilo ovo: "Šta si primetio u toj priči?"

"Tell me a moment about your day.

"Ispričaj mi o nekom trenutku svog dana.

What did you learn?"

Šta si naučio?"

Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences,

Naučimo svoju decu da ostanu otvorena i radoznala u vezi sa svojim iskustvima,

like a traveler in a foreign land.

kao putnik u stranoj zemlji.

And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out --

I na taj način mogu ostati prisutni sa osećajima bez isključivanja -

even the heightened and challenging ones --

čak i sa onim pojačanim i izazovnim -

the way I did,

kao što sam ja uradila,

the way so many of us have.

kao mnogi od nas.

This sense education,

Ovo obrazovanje o osećajima,

this is education I want for my daughters.

to je ono što želim za svoje ćerke.

Sense education is what I needed as girl.

Obrazovanje o osećajima je meni bilo potrebno u detinjstvu.

It's what I hope for all of our children.

Nadam se tome za svu našu decu.

This awareness of sensation,

Ova svest o osećajima,

it's where we began as children.

tu smo počeli kao deca.

It's what we can learn from our children

To možemo da naučimo od svoje dece,

and it's what we can in turn remind our children

i za uzvrat to možemo podsetiti svoju decu

as they come of age.

dok odrastaju.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)