What we don't teach kids about sex | Sue Jaye Johnson

Translator: Miret Raadik Reviewer: Aari Lemmik

I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.

Ma mäletan, kuidas lapsena mu tädi kammis mu juukseid.

I felt this tingling in my stomach,

Tundsin sellist surisevat tunnet oma kõhus,

this swelling in my belly.

miski justkui paisus mu sees.

All her attention on me,

Kõik ta tähelepanu oli minul,

just me.

ainult minul.

My beautiful Aunt Bea,

Mu kaunis tädi Bea,

stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush.

kes kammib mu juukseid pehme juukseharjaga.

Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?

On teil ka mõni selline mälestus, mida võite praegugi oma kehas tunda?

Before language,

Enne kõnelemist tunnetame kõike kehaliselt.

we're all sensation.

As children, that's how we learn

Lapsed õpivad nii iseennast muust maailmast eristama,

to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch.

läbi puudutuste.

Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin.

Kõik pannakse suhu, võetakse kätte, vastu nahka.

Sensation --

See tunne --

it is the way that we first experience love.

nii tunnetame esmakordselt armastust.

It's the basis of human connection.

See on inimkontakti aluseks.

We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.

Tahame, et me lastel oleks suureks kasvades intiimsuhtetega kõik hästi.

So as parents,

Nii püüame lapsevanematena lastele õpetada ka seksiga seonduvat

one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.

We have books to help us,

Meile on abiks raamatud,

we have sex ed at school for the basics.

koolis räägitakse seksuaalõpetuse tunnis põhilised asjad ära.

There's porn to fill in the gaps --

Siis on veel porno, et täita lüngad --

and it will fill in the gaps.

ja see täidab lüngad.

(Laughter)

(Naer)

We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics,

Räägime oma lastele, kuidas asjad käivad bioloogia ja tehnika mõttes,

about pregnancy and safe sex,

räägime rasedusest ja turvaseksist.

and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about.

See on see ettekujutus, mis lastel siis seksi kohta tekib.

But we can do better than that.

Kuid seda kõike võiks teha paremini.

We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire,

Me saame oma poegadele ja tütardele õpetada, mis on nauding ja iha,

about consent and boundaries,

mis on nõusolek ja piirid,

about what it feels like to be present in their body

mis tunne on end oma kehas hästi tunda

and to know when they're not.

ja osata tunda ka seda, kui see nii ei ole.

And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play,

Seda saab õpetada nii, nagu näitame, kuidas puudutada, kuidas mängida,

make eye contact --

kuidas luua silmsidet --

all the ways that we engage their senses.

täpselt samamoodi, kui õpetame lapsi erinevaid meeli rakendama.

We can teach our children not just about sex,

Lastele ei peaks rääkima mitte ainult seksist,

but about sensuality.

vaid ka sensuaalsusest.

This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.

Just sellist jutuajamist oleksin ma ise tüdrukuna vajanud.

I was extremely sensitive,

Ma olin ääretult tundlik,

but by the time I was an adolescent,

kuid teismeliseikka jõudes,

I had numbed out.

olin muutunud tundetuks.

The shame of boys mocking my changing body

See piinlikkus, kui poisid norisid mind muutuva keha pärast

and then girls exiling me for,

ja tüdrukud jällegi tõrjusid mind,

ironically, my interest in boys,

paradoksaalselt, nagu mind justkui oleks huvitanud poisid,

it was so much.

seda kõike oli liiga palju.

I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing;

Ma ei osanud oma tundeid sõnadesse panna,

I didn't know it was going to pass.

ma ei teadnud, et see läheb mööda.

So I did the best thing I could at the time

Tol hetkel tundus parim lahendus olevat

and I checked out.

end lihtsalt välja lülitada.

Selliseid keerulisi tundeid pole võimalik kuidagi isoleerida,

And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings,

so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play,

ja nii kadus mu elust ka rõõm, nauding ja mäng.

and I spent decades like that,

Elasin sedasi aastaid ja aastaid koos oma vaikse depressiooniga,

with this his low-grade depression,

thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.

arvates, et täiskasvanu elu ongi selline.

For the past year,

Viimase aasta jooksul

I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex

olen intervjueerinud mehi ja naisi seksiga seotud teemadel

and I've heard my story again and again.

ja olen oma lugu kuulnud palju kordi.

Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much.

Tüdrukud, kellele öeldi, et nad on lihtsalt liiga tundlikud.

Boys who were taught to man up --

Poisid, keda õpetati olema mehelikumad --

"don't be so emotional."

"Ära ole nii emotsionaalne."

I learned I was not alone in checking out.

Sain aru, et ma ei ole ainus kes on end välja lülitanud.

It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel.

Tänu aga oma tütrele tuli mulle meelde, kui paljut ma kunagi tundsin.

We were at the beach.

Olime rannas.

It was this rare day.

Selliseid päevi ei ole tihti.

I turned off my cell phone,

Lülitasin oma telefoni välja,

put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls."

kirjutasin kalendrisse “Päev tüdrukutega rannas.”

I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf

Panin me rannalinad maha veepiiri lähedale ja jäin tukkuma.

and fell asleep.

And when I woke up,

Ja kui ma ärkasin,

I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,

nägin oma tütart oma käele liiva niristamas,

and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin

ja ma tundsin seda kerget liiva kõditust ta nahal

and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.

ja mulle meenus kuidas tädi kammis mu juukseid.

So I curled up next to her

Keerasin end tema poole

and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.

ja niristasin liiva ta teisele käele ja siis ta jalgade peale.

And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?"

Ütlesin, “Kuule, kas tahat tahad, et ma mataksin sind ära?”

And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!"

Ta silmad läksid nii suureks ja ta ütles "Jaa!"

So we dug a hole

Ning me kaevasime augu,

and I covered her in sand and shells

ma katsin ta liiva ja merekarpidega

and drew this little mermaid tail.

ja joonistasin talle väikese näkineiu saba.

And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower

Ja seejärel viisin ta koju, seebitasin ta duši all sisse

and massaged her scalp

ja masseerisin ta peanahka

and I dried her off in a towel.

ning kuivatasin teda rätikuga.

And I thought,

Ja ma mõtlesin,

"Ah. How many times had I done that --

"Kui palju kordi olen seda teinud --

bathed her and dried her off --

pesnud ja kuivatanud teda --

but had I ever stopped and paid attention

ilma hetkekski peatumata, et pöörata tähelepanu

to the sensations that I was creating for her?"

aistingutele, mida talle tekitasin?

I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line

Olen teinud seda nii,

nagu oleks ta mingil laste riietamise, toitmise ja magamapaneku konveieril.

of children needing to be fed and put to bed.

And I realized

Ja ma sain aru,

that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,

et kui ma kuivatan oma tütart hästi hellalt nagu armastaja,

I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch.

õpetan ma teda ootama, et teda just nii puudutataksegi.

I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy.

Ma õpetan talle sel hetkel intiimsust.

About how to love her body and respect her body.

Kuidas armastada oma keha ja austada oma keha.

I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.

Sain aru, et osa “nendest" asjadest ei saagi selgitada sõnadega.

In her book, "Girls and Sex,"

Oma raamatus "Girls and Sex"

writer Peggy Orenstein finds

märgib kirjanik Peggy Orenstein,

that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure,

et noored naised keskenduvad oma partneri naudingule,

not their own.

mitte iseenda omale.

This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older,

See on midagi, millest ma räägin oma tütardega, kui nad on vanemad,

but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure

kuid praegu püüan leida aidata neil mõista, mis pakub neile naudingut

and to practice articulating that.

ja harjutada selle väljendamist.

"Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in.

“Masseeri mu selga," ütleb mu tütar enne magamaminekut.

And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?"

Ma vastan "Okei, kuidas sa tahad, et ma su selga masseerin?"

"I don't know," she says.

“Ma ei tea," ütleb ta.

So I pause, waiting for her directions.

Ma vaikin, ootan ta juhendeid.

Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right,

Lõpuks ta ütleb: "Okei, üles ja paremale,

like you're tickling me."

nagu sa kõditaksid mind."

I run my fingertips up her spine.

Ma libistan oma sõrmed üle ta selgroo.

"What else?" I ask.

"Mis veel?" küsin.

"Over to the left, a little harder now."

"Vasakule poole, pisut tugevamalt nüüd."

We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations

Me peame õpetama lastele, kuidas väljendada oma aistinguid,

so they're familiar with them.

et nad oskaksid neid ära tunda.

I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this.

Püüan seda oma tüdrukutele õpetada läbi mängu.

I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say,

Tõmban küüntega üle oma tütre käe ja ütlen:

"Give me one word to describe this."

“Ütle üks sõna selle kirjeldamiseks."

"Violent," she says.

"Vägivaldne," vastab ta.

I embrace her, hold her tight.

Ma kallistan teda, hoian tugevasti.

"Protected," she tells me.

"Kaitstud," ütleb ta mulle.

I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling,

Ma leian võimalusi, et öelda neile, kuidas ma end tunnen,

what I'm experiencing,

mida ma kogen,

so we have common language.

et meil oleks ühine keel.

Like right now,

Nagu praegu, kui tunnen kuklast mööda selga alla minevat surinat,

this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.

mis tähendab, et olen närvis ja elevil.

You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me.

Teie ehk tunnete samuti mingeid aistinguid reaktsioonina minule.

The language I'm using,

Sõnad, mida kasutan,

the ideas I'm sharing.

mõtted, mida jagan.

And our tendency is to judge these reactions

Ja me kipume andma neile reaktsioonidele hinnangut,

and sort them into a hierarchy:

lahterdama nad headeks ja halbadeks

better or worse,

and then seek or avoid them.

ja püüame neid taas kogeda või vältida.

And that's because we live in this binary culture

See on sellepärast, et elame binaarses kultuuris

and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.

ja meid on õpetatud lapsest saadik jagama maailma heaks ja halvaks.

"Did you like that book?"

"Kas sulle meeldis see raamat?"

"Did you have a good day?"

"Kas sul oli hea päev?"

How about, "What did you notice about that story?"

Kuidas aga oleks küsida, “Mida sa märkasid selles loos?”

"Tell me a moment about your day.

"Räägi mulle hetkest oma päevas.

What did you learn?"

Mida sa teada said?”

Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences,

Õpetame lastele olema avatud ja uudishimulikud kogemuste suhtes,

like a traveler in a foreign land.

nagu rännumees võõral maal.

And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out --

Sel moel saavad nad hoida endas neid tundmusi ilma välja logimata --

even the heightened and challenging ones --

isegi intensiivsete ja keeruliste tunnetega --

the way I did,

nii nagu seda tegin mina,

the way so many of us have.

ja on teinud mitmedki meist.

This sense education,

Tunnetusoskus,

this is education I want for my daughters.

sellist oskust soovin ma oma tütardele.

Sense education is what I needed as girl.

Tunnetamise õpetus on see, mida tüdrukuna vajasin.

It's what I hope for all of our children.

See, mida soovin kõikidele meie lastele.

This awareness of sensation,

Oskus ära tunda aistinguid,

it's where we began as children.

millest me alustasime lastena.

It's what we can learn from our children

Saame seda oma lastelt õppida

and it's what we can in turn remind our children

ja ka omakorda seda neile meelde tuletada,

as they come of age.

siis kui nad kasvavad suureks.

Aitäh!

Thank you.

(Applause)

(Aplaus)