What we don't teach kids about sex | Sue Jaye Johnson

翻译人员: Kangping Qi 校对人员: jacks peng

I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.

我还记得小时候， 阿姨给我梳头发的情景。

I felt this tingling in my stomach,

我感到肚子有些麻痛，

this swelling in my belly.

胃有点涨。

All her attention on me,

她所有的注意力都在我身上，

just me.

只在我身上。

My beautiful Aunt Bea,

我那漂亮的Bea阿姨，

stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush.

正在用一把上好的梳子帮我梳头。

Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?

你们有过这样的回忆吗？ 现在还能够感觉到的。

Before language,

在学习语言之前，

we're all sensation.

我们都是靠感觉的。

As children, that's how we learn

作为孩子，那就是我们学习的途径

to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch.

通过触摸来区分自己和世界。

Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin.

通过嘴巴，双手和肌肤来接触一切。

Sensation --

感觉

it is the way that we first experience love.

是我们首次体验爱的方式。

It's the basis of human connection.

这也是人类连接的基础。

We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.

我们想让孩子们长大后能拥有健康亲密的关系。

So as parents,

所以为人父母，

one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.

其中一件事情就是教孩子性知识。

We have books to help us,

我们有书本来帮助我们，

we have sex ed at school for the basics.

我们有学校里面的性教育基础课，

There's porn to fill in the gaps --

还有小黄片来查漏补缺。

and it will fill in the gaps.

它确实可以查漏补缺。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics,

我们跟孩子说教生物机制的知识，

about pregnancy and safe sex,

怀孕与安全性行为的知识，

and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about.

这就是孩子们长大后会把性联系在一起的东西。

But we can do better than that.

但我们可以做得更好。

We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire,

我们可以教会儿女们什么是欢愉和欲望，

about consent and boundaries,

什么是同意和界限，

about what it feels like to be present in their body

以及身体的感受，

and to know when they're not.

并分清是与否。

And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play,

我们可以通过模拟触碰，玩耍，

make eye contact --

做眼神交流，

all the ways that we engage their senses.

等等所有可以调动他们感觉的方式来教育他们。

We can teach our children not just about sex,

我们不仅能教孩子们性，

but about sensuality.

还能教他们感受。

This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.

我还是小女孩时就很需要这种对话。

I was extremely sensitive,

我当时极度敏感，

but by the time I was an adolescent,

但当我步入青春期时，

I had numbed out.

我已经变得迟钝了。

The shame of boys mocking my changing body

男孩们嘲笑身体变化带来的羞耻感，

and then girls exiling me for,

女孩们也孤立我，

ironically, my interest in boys,

讽刺的是，我对于男生的兴趣

it was so much.

是如此强烈。

I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing;

我甚至找不出言语来形容当时的体验。

I didn't know it was going to pass.

我不知道这一阶段会经历过去。

So I did the best thing I could at the time

所以我做了当时能做到的最好的事，

and I checked out.

我退缩走开。

And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings,

但你无法隔离那艰难的感受，

so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play,

所以我失去了那个年纪的 愉悦，开心，玩耍的机会。

and I spent decades like that,

我十多年的时间就这样子度过，

with this his low-grade depression,

与这种抑郁低落的心情作伴，

thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.

以为这就是成长需要经历的东西。

For the past year,

在过去一年里，

I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex

我曾采访过一些男性和女性关于他们和性的关系，

and I've heard my story again and again.

然后也不止一次听到了和自己类似的故事。

Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much.

女孩子被说教称她们过于敏感，

Boys who were taught to man up --

男孩则被教导需要有男子气概，

"don't be so emotional."

“不要这么情绪化。”

I learned I was not alone in checking out.

于是我知道并不只我一个人退缩离开。

It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel.

是我女儿提醒了我过去的感受。

We were at the beach.

我们当时躺在沙滩上，

It was this rare day.

那是一个难得的天气，

I turned off my cell phone,

我关掉了我的手机，

put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls."

在日历本上写下“和女儿在沙滩的日子”。

I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf

在海水漫延不到的地方，我躺在我们的毛巾上，

and fell asleep.

然后沉睡了下去。

And when I woke up,

当我起来的时候，

I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,

我看见女儿把沙子洒在她的胳膊上，就像这样。

and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin

我可以感到痒痒的沙子摩擦皮肤的感觉，

and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.

然后我又回想起阿姨轻梳我头发的情景。

So I curled up next to her

所以我在她身边蜷缩着，

and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.

把沙子洒在她另一条胳膊上，再之后腿上。

And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?"

然后我说 “嘿，你想要我用沙子埋了你吗？”

And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!"

她的眼睛瞬间睁得很大， 然后兴奋地说 “好啊！”

So we dug a hole

所以我们挖了一个大洞，

and I covered her in sand and shells

然后我用沙子和贝壳把她埋住，

and drew this little mermaid tail.

然后画了条小美人鱼尾巴。

And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower

之后我带着她回家，在洗澡时给她全身打满泡泡，

and massaged her scalp

按摩她的头发，

and I dried her off in a towel.

然后用毛巾把她擦干。

And I thought,

然后我想：

"Ah. How many times had I done that --

“啊，我做这件事多少次了“

bathed her and dried her off --

帮她揉泡泡，然后把她擦干。

but had I ever stopped and paid attention

但我有停下来观察

to the sensations that I was creating for her?"

她对我做的这些事情的感觉吗？“

I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line

一直以来，我对待她就像她在流水线上一样，

of children needing to be fed and put to bed.

就如同孩子被喂饱之后再被带到床上。

And I realized

然后我意识到

that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,

当我用毛巾以一种爱人的温柔擦干她身体时，

I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch.

实际上我当时正在教导她 对这种温柔的触摸抱以期待。

I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy.

我在教导她一种亲昵行为。

About how to love her body and respect her body.

以及怎样爱护她的身体并尊重她的身体。

I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.

我意识到这是一场无法用言语来交流的谈话。

In her book, "Girls and Sex,"

在一本名为“女孩和性爱”的书中，

writer Peggy Orenstein finds

作者Peggy Orenstein发现，

that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure,

年轻的女孩子更注重她们伴侣的欢愉，

not their own.

而不是她们自己的。

This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older,

这就是我要与我的女儿， 当她们长大后，所要讨论的。

but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure

但是目前，我在寻找 让她们识别能够带来欢愉的方法，

and to practice articulating that.

并练习如何表达愉悦。

"Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in.

“擦我后背。” 在我用毛巾包裹住女儿时，她说

And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?"

然后我说 “好的，你希望我怎样擦你后背呢？”

"I don't know," she says.

“我不知道，”她说。

So I pause, waiting for her directions.

所以我停了下来，等待着她指示。

Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right,

最后她说“好吧，向上然后到右边

like you're tickling me."

就像你挠我痒痒一样。”

I run my fingertips up her spine.

然后我的手指就向上滑动到她的脊柱。

"What else?" I ask.

“还要别的吗？” 我问，

"Over to the left, a little harder now."

“再左边，稍微用力一点。”

We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations

我们需要教会孩子们 怎样准确表达他们的感受，

so they're familiar with them.

这样他们才可以更熟悉自己。

I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this.

我寻找和女儿们通过在家里玩游戏 来达到这个目的的方法。

I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say,

我用指甲刮着女儿的胳膊然后说：

"Give me one word to describe this."

“给个词语来形容下这个。”

"Violent," she says.

“粗暴” 她说。

I embrace her, hold her tight.

之后我拥抱了她，紧紧地抱住她。

"Protected," she tells me.

“受保护，”她说。

I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling,

我找到了机会告诉她们我的感受，

what I'm experiencing,

我的经历是什么，

so we have common language.

所以我们有了共同语言。

Like right now,

就像现在这样，

this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.

像这样头皮发麻，脊背发凉 意味着我很不安，很激动。

You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me.

你们可能因为我的描述而有了一种感官感受。

The language I'm using,

我正在使用的语言，

the ideas I'm sharing.

我正在分享的想法。

And our tendency is to judge these reactions

我们趋向于评判这些反应，

and sort them into a hierarchy:

然后把它们划分阶级：

better or worse,

好的还是坏的。

and then seek or avoid them.

然后寻找解决办法或者避免它。

And that's because we live in this binary culture

因为我们居住在这个二元社会

and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.

我们很小的时候就被教导 把世界分成好的和坏的一面。

"Did you like that book?"

“你喜欢那本书吗？”

"Did you have a good day?"

“你今天过得好吗？”

How about, "What did you notice about that story?"

为什么不换成，“书上什么吸引了你？”

"Tell me a moment about your day.

“说说今天有啥精彩的。“

What did you learn?"

“你学到了什么？”

Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences,

让我们教会孩子对于他们的经历 保持开放和好奇的态度，

like a traveler in a foreign land.

就像一个到陌生岛屿的旅行者。

And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out --

这样他们就可以与感受相处， 而不是想要逃避。

even the heightened and challenging ones --

即便在最具有挑战的环境中。

the way I did,

而非像我

the way so many of us have.

以及我们很多人那样去逃避。

This sense education,

这种感觉的教育，

this is education I want for my daughters.

是我想要为我女儿们带来的教育，

Sense education is what I needed as girl.

也是我在作为一个女孩时需要得到的教育，

It's what I hope for all of our children.

是我希望普及给所有孩子的教育。

This awareness of sensation,

这种感觉意识，

it's where we began as children.

是我们作为儿童的开始，

It's what we can learn from our children

是我们可以从孩子身上学到的东西，

and it's what we can in turn remind our children

也是我们可以反过来在孩子们逐渐长大时

as they come of age.

提醒他们的东西。

Thank you.

谢谢大家

(Applause)

（掌声）