The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Mile Živković

Hello, everyone.

Zdravo svima.

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

In South Africa, where I come from,

U Južnoj Africi, odakle potičem,

"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."

"sawubona" na Zulu jeziku znači "zdravo".

There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word

Imamo lepu i snažnu nameru iza reči

because "sawubona" literally translated means,

jer "sawubona" kada se doslovno prevede znači:

"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."

"Vidim te i time što te vidim postaješ stvaran."

So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.

Tako je lepo, zamislite da vas tako pozdravljaju.

But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?

Ali šta je potrebno da sebe vidimo na taj način?

Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories

Naše misli, naša osećanja i naše priče

that help us to thrive

koje nam pomažu da uspemo

in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

u sve složenijem i stresnijem svetu?

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.

Ovo ključno pitanje je u središtu mog životnog rada.

Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.

Jer to kako se nosimo sa unutrašnjim svetom, pokreće sve.

Every aspect of how we love, how we live,

Svaki delić toga kako volimo, kako živimo,

how we parent and how we lead.

kakvi smo roditelji i kako predvodimo.

The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,

Konvencionalno viđenje osećanja kao dobrih ili loših,

positive or negative,

pozitivnih ili negativnih,

is rigid.

je kruto.

And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.

A krutost suočena sa složenošću je pogubna.

We need greater levels of emotional agility

Potrebni su nam viši nivoi emotivne agilnosti

for true resilience and thriving.

za istinsku otpornost i uspeh.

My journey with this calling

Moje putovanje s ovim pozivom

began not in the hallowed halls of a university,

nije počelo u svetim dvoranama univerziteta,

but in the messy, tender business of life.

već u neurednim, nežnim životnim stvarima.

I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,

Odrasla sam u belačkim predgrađima južnoafričkog aparthejda,

a country and community committed to not seeing.

u zemlji i zajednici posvećenim slepilu.

To denial.

Poricanju.

It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible

Zbog poricanja je 50 godina rasističkog zakonodavstva moguće,

while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

dok ljudi ubeđuju sebe da ne rade bilo šta loše.

And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial

Pa ipak, prvi put sam saznala za destruktivnu moć poricanja

at a personal level,

na ličnom nivou,

before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

pre nego što sam razumela šta ono uzrokuje mojoj rodnoj zemlji.

My father died on a Friday.

Otac mi je umro u petak.

He was 42 years old and I was 15.

Imao je 42 godine, a ja 15.

My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father

Majka mi je prošaputala da pođem i pozdravim se sa ocem

before I went to school.

pre nego što pođem u školu.

So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through

Pa sam spustila ranac i prošetala prolazom koji je vodio

to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.

do žile kucavice našeg doma gde je moj otac ležao umirući od raka.

His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.

Oči su mu bile zatvorene, ali znao je da sam tu.

In his presence, I had always felt seen.

U njegovom prisustvu, uvek sam osećala zapaženom.

I told him I loved him,

Rekla sam mu da ga volim,

said goodbye and headed off for my day.

pozdravila se i zaputila dnevnim obavezama.

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,

U školi, prelazila sam od nauke do matematike, do istorije do biologije,

as my father slipped from the world.

dok je moj otac nestajao sa sveta.

From May to July to September to November,

Od maja do jula do septembra do novembra,

I went about with my usual smile.

kretala sam se sa uobičajenim osmehom.

I didn't drop a single grade.

Nisam pokvarila ni jednu ocenu.

When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."

Kada bi me upitali kako sam, slegnula bih i rekla: "Dobro."

I was praised for being strong.

Hvalili su me jer sam jaka.

I was the master of being OK.

Bila sam majstor u osećanju dobro.

But back home, we struggled --

Međutim, kod kuće smo se mučili -

my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going

moj otac nije bio u stanju da održava svoju malu firmu

during his illness.

tokom bolesti.

And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life

A moja majka, sama, oplakivala je ljubav svog života,

trying to raise three children,

pokušavajući da podigne troje dece

and the creditors were knocking.

sa zajmodavcima na vratu.

We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.

Osećali smo se kao porodica, finansijski i emotivno opustošeni.

And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.

A ja sam počela da propadam, da se izolujem brzo.

I started to use food to numb my pain.

Počela sam hranom da gušim bol.

Binging and purging.

Bančeći i žderući.

Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.

Odbijajući da prihvatim punu težinu moje patnje.

No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,

Niko nije znao, a u kulturi koja ceni neumornu pozitivnost,

I thought that no one wanted to know.

mislila sam da niko ne želi da zna.

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.

No jednu osobu nije obmanula moja priča o trijumfu nad boli.

My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes

Nastavnica engleskog iz osmog razreda fiksirala je prodorne plave oči na mene

as she handed out blank notebooks.

dok je delila prazne sveske.

She said, "Write what you're feeling.

Rekla je: "Napišite kako se osećate.

Tell the truth.

Recite istinu.

Write like nobody's reading."

Pišite kao da niko neće čitati."

And just like that,

I tek tako,

I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.

pozvana sam da se pokažem autentično svojoj tuzi i bolu.

It was a simple act

Bio je to prost čin,

but nothing short of a revolution for me.

ali bila je to bezmalo revolucija za mene.

It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook

Ova revolucija koja je počela praznom sveskom

30 years ago

pre 30 godina

that shaped my life's work.

oblikovala je moj životni rad.

The secret, silent correspondence with myself.

Tajna, tiha prepiska sa sobom.

Like a gymnast,

Poput gimnastičara,

I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial

počela sam da se krećem mimo krutosti poricanja

into what I've now come to call

ka onome što sada zovem

emotional agility.

emocionalnom agilnošču.

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

Lepota života je neodvojiva od njegove krhkosti.

We are young until we are not.

Mladi smo sve dok to više nismo.

We walk down the streets sexy

Šetamo ulicama privlačni

until one day we realize that we are unseen.

dok jednog dana shvatimo da smo neprimetni.

We nag our children and one day realize

Zvocamo našoj deci i jednog dana shvatimo

that there is silence where that child once was,

da je tišina na mestu gde je nekad bilo dete,

now making his or her way in the world.

a ono sada krči svoj put kroz svet.

We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.

Zdravi smo dok nas dijagnoza baci na kolena.

The only certainty is uncertainty,

Jedina izvesnost je neizvesnost,

and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

pa, ipak, ne upravljamo ovom krhkošću uspešno, niti održivo.

The World Health Organization tells us that depression

Svetska zdravstvena organizacija nam saopštava

is now the single leading cause of disability globally --

da je depresija trenutno vodeći uzrok invalidnosti u svetu -

outstripping cancer,

premašuje rak,

outstripping heart disease.

premašuje srčane bolesti.

And at a time of greater complexity,

A u vreme velike složenosti,

unprecedented technological, political and economic change,

tehnoloških, političkih i ekonomskih promena bez premca,

we are seeing how people's tendency

gledamo kako je ljudska sklonost

is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

da se sve više i više zatvore u krute reakcije na svoja osećanja.

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.

S jedne strane, možemo opsesivno da oplakujemo svoja osećanja.

Getting stuck inside our heads.

Da budemo zaglavljeni u našim glavama.

Hooked on being right.

Navučeni na to da smo u pravu.

Or victimized by our news feed.

Ili mučeni našim izvorima vesti.

On the other, we might bottle our emotions,

S druge strane, možemo da začepimo naša osećanja,

pushing them aside

da ih gurnemo po strani

and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

i da dozvoljavamo samo ona osećanja koja smatramo legitimnim.

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,

U anketi koju sam nedavno sprovela sa preko 70.000 ljudi,

I found that a third of us --

otkrila sam da trećina nas -

a third --

trećina -

either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"

bilo da osuđujemo sebe što imamo takozvana "loša osećanja",

like sadness,

poput tuge,

anger or even grief.

besa ili čak patnje.

Or actively try to push aside these feelings.

Ili aktivno pokušavamo da potisnemo ta osećanja.

We do this not only to ourselves,

Ne radimo to samo sebi,

but also to people we love, like our children --

već i ljudima koje volimo, poput naše dece -

we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,

možda ih nenamerno posramljujemo zbog emocija koje vidimo kao negativne,

jump to a solution,

nalazimo prosta rešenja

and fail to help them

i ne uspevamo da im pomognemo

to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

da vide ova osećanja kao suštinski vredna.

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.

Normalna, prirodna osećanja se trenutno posmatraju kao dobra ili loša.

And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.

A biti pozitivan je postalo novi oblik moralne ispravnosti.

People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.

Ljudima s rakom automatski govore da prosto ostanu pozitivni.

Women, to stop being so angry.

Ženama, da prestanu da budu tako besne.

And the list goes on.

I spisak raste.

It's a tyranny.

Radi se o tiraniji.

It's a tyranny of positivity.

Tiraniji pozitivnosti.

And it's cruel.

I okrutna je.

Unkind.

Bezobzirna.

And ineffective.

I neučinkovita.

And we do it to ourselves,

A radimo to sebi,

and we do it to others.

i radimo to drugima.

If there's one common feature

Ako postoji jedna zajednička crta

of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:

za patetiku, potiskivanje ili lažnu pozitivnost, onda je to:

they are all rigid responses.

sve su to kruti odgovori.

And if there's a single lesson we can learn

A ako postoji jedna lekcija koju možemo da naučimo

from the inevitable fall of apartheid

od neizbežnog pada aparthejda

it is that rigid denial doesn't work.

to je da kruto poricanje ne deluje.

It's unsustainable.

Neodrživo je.

For individuals, for families,

Za pojedince, za porodice,

for societies.

za društva.

And as we watch the ice caps melt,

A dok posmatramo ledene pokrivače kako se tope,

it is unsustainable for our planet.

neodrživo je za našu planetu.

Research on emotional suppression shows

Istraživanje o potiskivanju osećanja pokazuje

that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,

da kada potiskujemo ili ignorišemo osećanja,

they get stronger.

ona postaju jača.

Psychologists call this amplification.

Psiholozi ovo nazivaju amplifikacijom.

Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --

Poput ukusne torte u frižideru -

the more you try to ignore it ...

što se više trudite da je ignorišete...

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

the greater its hold on you.

višu vlast ima nad vama.

You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,

Mislite da imate kontrolu nad neželjenim osećanjima kada ih ignorišete,

but in fact they control you.

ali zapravo ona kontrolišu vas.

Internal pain always comes out.

Unutrašnji bol uvek izviri.

Always.

Uvek.

And who pays the price?

A ko plaća ceh?

We do.

Mi.

Our children,

Naša deca,

our colleagues,

naše kolege,

our communities.

naše zajednice.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Sad, da me pogrešno ne shvatite.

I'm not anti-happiness.

Nisam protiv sreće.

I like being happy.

Volim kad sam srećna.

I'm a pretty happy person.

Prilično sam srećna osoba.

But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,

Međutim, kada potisnemo normalna osećanja kako bismo prigrlili lažnu pozitivnost,

we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,

gubimo sposobnost da razvijemo veštine da se nosimo sa svetom kakav jeste,

not as we wish it to be.

ne kakav bismo želeli da bude.

I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.

Na stotine ljudi mi je reklo kako ne žele da se osećaju.

They say things like,

Govore nešto poput:

"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."

"Ne želim da pokušam jer ne želim da se razočaram."

Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

Ili: "Samo želim da ovo osećanje nestane."

"I understand," I say to them.

"Razumem", kažem im.

"But you have dead people's goals."

"Ali imate ciljeve mrtvaca."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Only dead people

Samo mrtvaci

never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

nikad nemaju neželjena ili uznemirujuća osećanja.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Only dead people never get stressed,

Samo mrtvaci nikad nisu pod stresom,

never get broken hearts,

nikad im ne slome scre,

never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

nikad ne doživljavaju razočaranje koje ide uz neuspeh.

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.

Teška osećanja su deo našeg ugovora sa životom.

You don't get to have a meaningful career

Nećete ostvariti značajnu karijeru

or raise a family

ili podići porodicu

or leave the world a better place

ili ostaviti svet boljim mestom

without stress and discomfort.

bez stresa i nelagodnosti.

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

Nelagodnost je cena pristupanja smislenom životu.

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity

Pa, kako da počnemo da demontiramo rigidnost

and embrace emotional agility?

i prigrlimo emocionalnu agilnost?

As that young schoolgirl,

Kao mlada učenica,

when I leaned into those blank pages,

kada sam se nagnula nad te prazne stranice,

I started to do away with feelings

počela sam da odstranjujem osećanja

of what I should be experiencing.

koja bi trebalo da doživljavam.

And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.

A umesto toga sam počela da otvaram srce onome što sam osećala.

Pain.

Bol.

And grief.

I patnju.

And loss.

I gubitak.

And regret.

I kajanje.

Research now shows

Trenutna istraživanja pokazuju

that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --

da radikalno prihvatanje svih naših emocija -

even the messy, difficult ones --

čak i haotičnih, teških -

is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,

je kamen temeljac otpornosti, uspehu,

and true, authentic happiness.

i istinskoj, autentičnoj sreći.

But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.

Međutim, emocionalna agilnost je više od pukog prihvatanja emocija.

We also know that accuracy matters.

Takođe znamo da je bitna i preciznost.

In my own research, I found that words are essential.

U mom ličnom istraživanju sam otkrila da su reči suštinski bitne.

We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.

Često koristimo kratke i lake etikete da opišemo naša osećanja.

"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

"Pod stresom sam" je nešto što najčešće čujem.

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment

Međutim, ogromna je razlika između stresa i razočaranja

or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."

ili stresa i poznatog užasa saznanja "u pogrešnoj sam struci".

When we label our emotions accurately,

Kada precizno označimo osećanja,

we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.

sposobniji smo da raspoznamo tačni uzrok našim osećanjima.

And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain

Nešto što naučnici nazivaju potencijalom za pripravnost

is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.

se aktivira u našem mozgu, a to nam omogućuje da preduzmemo konkretne korake.

But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.

No, ne tek bilo kakve korake - prave korake za nas.

Because our emotions are data.

Jer naše emocije su podaci.

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.

Naše emocije sadrže lampice koje osvetljavaju ono za šta marimo.

We tend not to feel strong emotion

Obično ne osećamo jake emocije

to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.

prema nečemu što nema bilo kakvu vrednost u našem svetu.

If you feel rage when you read the news,

Ako osećate bes dok čitate vesti,

that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --

taj bes je, možda, signal da vrednujete jednakost i poštenje -

and an opportunity to take active steps

kao i prilike da preduzmete aktivne korake

to shape your life in that direction.

da oblikujete svoj život u tom smeru.

When we are open to the difficult emotions,

Kada smo otvoreni za komplikovane emocije,

we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

u stanju smo da kreiramo reakcije koje su u skladu s našim vrednostima.

But there's an important caveat.

Međutim, tu je važna začkoljica.

Emotions are data, they are not directives.

Emocije su podaci, a ne direktive.

We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values

Možemo pristupiti i kopati po našim emocijama zbog njihove vrednosti

without needing to listen to them.

a da ih nužno ne slušamo.

Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --

Baš kao što ja mogu da pristupim sinu u njegovoj frustriranosti mlađom sestrom -

but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away

no ne moram da udovoljim njegoj zamisli da može da je pokloni

to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

prvom strancu koga vidi u tržnom centru.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

We own our emotions, they don't own us.

Mi posedujemo naše emocije, one ne poseduju nas.

When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom

Kada usvojimo razliku između toga kako se osećamo u svoj svojoj mudrosti

and what I do in a values-aligned action,

i toga šta radimo tokom aktivnosti koje su u skladu s našim vrednostima,

we generate the pathway to our best selves

stvaramo stazu do najboljih verzija nas samih

via our emotions.

putem naših emocija.

So, what does this look like in practice?

Pa, kako ovo izgleda u praksi?

When you feel a strong, tough emotion,

Kada osećate snažnu, tešku emociju,

don't race for the emotional exits.

ne hitajte ka emotivnim izlazima.

Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.

Spoznajte njene konture, pristupite dnevniku vaših srca.

What is the emotion telling you?

Šta vam ta emocija govori?

And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."

I pokušavajte da ne govorite "Ja sam" kao kod "Ja sam ljuta" ili "Ja sam tužna".

When you say "I am"

Kada kažete "Ja sam"

it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.

to zvuči kao da ste vi emocija.

Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.

Dok vi ste vi, a emocija je izvor podataka.

Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:

Umesto toga, pokušajte da primetite suštinu osećanja:

"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"

"Primećujem da se osećam tužno"

or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."

ili "Primećujem da se osećam besno".

These are essential skills for us,

Ovo su suštinske veštine za nas,

our families, our communities.

naše porodice, naše zajednice.

They're also critical to the workplace.

Takođe su bitne za radna mesta.

In my research,

U mom istraživanju,

when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,

kada sam posmatrala šta pomaže ljudima da se pokažu u najboljem svetlu na poslu,

I found a powerful key contributor:

otkrila sam moćan ključni doprinos:

individualized consideration.

individualizovano uvažavanje.

When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,

Kada je ljudima dozvoljeno da osećaju svoje istinske emocije,

engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.

angažman, kreativnost i inovacije cvetaju u toj organizaciji.

Diversity isn't just people,

Raznovrsnost nisu samo ljudi,

it's also what's inside people.

već i ono šta je u ljudima.

Including diversity of emotion.

Uključujući raznovrsnost emocija.

The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,

Najagilniji, najotporniji pojedinci, ekipe,

organizations, families, communities

organizacije, porodice, zajednice

are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.

su izgrađeni na otvorenosti ka normalnim ljudskim emocijama.

It's this that allows us to say,

To nam omogućuje da kažemo:

"What is my emotion telling me?"

"Šta mi moje emocije govore?"

"Which action will bring me towards my values?"

"Koje aktivnosti će me povesti ka mojim vrednostima?"

"Which will take me away from my values?"

"Šta će me udaljiti od mojih vrednosti?"

Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions

Emotivna agilnost je sposobnost da budete uz vaše emocije

with curiosity, compassion,

sa znatiželjom, samilošću,

and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.

a naročito hrabrost da preduzmete korake koji su u vezi s vašim vrednostima.

When I was little,

Kada sam bila mala,

I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.

budila bih se po noći užasnuta zamisli o smrti.

My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.

Otac bi me tešio nežnim tapšanjem i poljupcima.

But he would never lie.

Ali nikad ne bi lagao.

"We all die, Susie," he would say.

"Svi ćemo da umremo, Suzi", rekao bi.

"It's normal to be scared."

"Normalno je osećati strah."

He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.

Nije pokušavao da izmisli amortizer između mene i stvarnosti.

It took me a while to understand

Trebalo mi je vremena da shvatim

the power of how he guided me through those nights.

snagu iza toga kako me je vodio kroz te noći.

What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;

Pokazao mi je da hrabrost nije odsustvo straha;

courage is fear walking.

hrabrost je strah koji hoda.

Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,

Niko od nas nije znao da za 10 kratkih godina

he would be gone.

on više neće biti živ.

And that time for each of us is all too precious

I da je vreme za svakog od nas suviše dragoceno

and all too brief.

i suviše kratko.

But when our moment comes

Međutim, kad naš trenutak dođe

to face our fragility,

da se suočimo sa krhkošću,

in that ultimate time,

u to odsudno vreme,

it will ask us,

upitaće nas:

"Are you agile?"

"Da li ste agilni?"

"Are you agile?"

"Da li ste agilni?"

Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."

Neka taj trenutak bude bezrezervno "da".

A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.

"Da" rođeno iz celoživotne prepiske sa vašim srcem.

And in seeing yourself.

I u spoznaji sebe samih.

Because in seeing yourself,

Jer kad spoznate sebe,

you are also able to see others, too:

takođe ste u stanju da spoznate i druge:

the only sustainable way forward

a to je jedini održiv put napred

in a fragile, beautiful world.

u krhkom, prelepom svetu.

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

And thank you.

I hvala vam.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)