The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

Translator: Lidija Zajec Reviewer: Nika Kotnik

Hello, everyone.

Lep pozdrav vsem.

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

In South Africa, where I come from,

V Južni Afriki, od koder prihajam,

"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."

je "sawubona" Zulu beseda za pozdrav.

There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word

Za to besedo je lepa in močna simbolika,

because "sawubona" literally translated means,

ker "sawubona" dobesedno pomeni:

"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."

"Vidim te in s tem te poustvarim."

So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.

Zelo lepo; predstavljajte si, da vas tako pozdravijo.

But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?

Ampak kaj vpliva na to, kako se vidimo?

Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories

Naše misli, čustva in naše zgodbe,

that help us to thrive

ki so nam pomagale rasti

in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

v vedno bolj kompleksnem in stresnem svetu?

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.

To ključno vprašanje je center mojega življenjskega dela.

Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.

Ker to, kako ravnamo z našim notranjim svetom, določa vse.

Every aspect of how we love, how we live,

Način kako ljubimo, živimo

how we parent and how we lead.

kašni starši smo in kako vodimo.

The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,

Konvencionalni pogled na čustva kot dobra in slaba,

positive or negative,

pozitivna in negativna

is rigid.

je rigiden.

And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.

In rigidnost znotraj kompleksnosti je škodljiva.

We need greater levels of emotional agility

Potrebujemo večjo stopnjo čustvene prožnosti,

for true resilience and thriving.

da bomo lažje živeli in bili bolj uspešni.

My journey with this calling

Moja pot proti temu poklicu

began not in the hallowed halls of a university,

se ni začela v posvečenih dvoranah univerze,

but in the messy, tender business of life.

ampak v krhki zmešnjavi življenja.

I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,

Odraščala sem v rasno segregiranem belem predmestju Južne Afrike,

a country and community committed to not seeing.

v deželi in skupnosti, ki je vztrajala v svoji slepoti

To denial.

in zanikanju.

It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible

Zanikanje lahko omogoči 50 let rasistične zakonodaje,

while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

medtem ko so ljudje prepričani, da niso storili ničesar narobe.

And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial

Pa vendar sem prvič spoznala uničujočo moč zanikanja

at a personal level,

na osebni ravni,

before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

preden sem razumela, kaj zanikanje povzroča moji rodni deželi.

My father died on a Friday.

Moj oče je umrl v petek.

He was 42 years old and I was 15.

Bil je star 42 let in jaz 15.

My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father

Mama mi je zašepetala, naj se grem poslovit od očeta,

before I went to school.

preden sem odšla v šolo.

So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through

Odložila sem nahrbtnik in odšla po hodniku, ki je vodil

to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.

do središča našega doma, kjer je moj oče umiral za rakom.

His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.

Imel je zaprte oči, toda vedel je, da sem tam.

In his presence, I had always felt seen.

V njegovi prisotnosti sem se vedno počutila videno.

I told him I loved him,

Rekla sem, da ga imam rada,

said goodbye and headed off for my day.

se poslovila in odšla v svoj dan.

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,

V šoli, nekje med naravoslovjem, matematiko, zgodovino in biologijo,

as my father slipped from the world.

je moj oče zapustil ta svet.

From May to July to September to November,

Od maja do julija, do septembra in novembra

I went about with my usual smile.

sem hodila naokoli s svojim običajnim nasmehom.

I didn't drop a single grade.

Moje ocene se niso poslabšale.

When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."

Ko so me vprašali kako mi gre, sem skomignila in rekla: "OK."

I was praised for being strong.

Hvalili so me, ker sem bila močna.

I was the master of being OK.

Bila sem mojstrica "biti OK".

But back home, we struggled --

Toda doma smo se borili --

my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going

moj oče ni mogel vzdrževati svojega malega podjetja

during his illness.

v času bolezni.

And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life

Moja mama je v samoti žalovala za ljubeznijo svojega življenja,

trying to raise three children,

skušala vzgajati tri otroke;

and the creditors were knocking.

tudi upniki so se oglasili.

We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.

Kot družina smo bili finančno in čustveno opustošeni.

And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.

Takrat se je začela moja pot navzdol. V samoti in na hitro.

I started to use food to numb my pain.

Za blaženje bolečine sem začela izrabljati hrano.

Binging and purging.

Prenajedanje in bruhanje.

Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.

Nisem se mogla soočiti s celotno težo svoje žalosti.

No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,

Nihče ni vedel za to in v kulturi, ki ceni nenehno pozitivnost,

I thought that no one wanted to know.

se je zdelo, da nihče niti noče vedeti.

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.

Toda ene osebe nisem uspela prevarati s svojo zgodbo o zmagi nad žalostjo.

My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes

Učiteljica angleščine se je zazrla vame s svojimi prodornimi modrimi očmi

as she handed out blank notebooks.

in mi je podala prazne zvezke.

She said, "Write what you're feeling.

Rekla je: "Piši kar čutiš.

Tell the truth.

Povej resnico.

Write like nobody's reading."

Piši, kot da tega ne bo nihče bral."

And just like that,

In to je bilo dovolj.

I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.

Povabilo, da pokažem avtentičnost svoje žalosti in bolečine.

It was a simple act

Preprosto dejanje,

but nothing short of a revolution for me.

ki pa je zame pomenilo pravo revolucijo.

It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook

In revolucija, ki se je pričela v tem praznem zvezku

30 years ago

pred tridesetimi leti,

that shaped my life's work.

je vplivala na moje življenjsko delo.

The secret, silent correspondence with myself.

To skrivno, tiho dopisovanje sama s seboj.

Like a gymnast,

Kot gimnastičarka

I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial

sem se pričela gibati onkraj rigidnosti zanikanja

into what I've now come to call

do tega, čemur zdaj pravim

emotional agility.

emocionalna prožnost.

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

Življenjske lepote se ne da ločiti od njegove krhkosti.

We are young until we are not.

Mladi smo, dokler nismo več.

We walk down the streets sexy

Hodimo po ulicah in se počutimo seksi,

until one day we realize that we are unseen.

dokler se nekega dne ne zavemo, da nas nihče ne opazi.

We nag our children and one day realize

Težimo otrokom in potem nekega dne spoznamo,

that there is silence where that child once was,

da je le še tišina, kjer je bil včasih otrok,

now making his or her way in the world.

ki se zdaj sam nekje uveljavlja v svetu.

We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.

Smo zdravi, dokler nas diagnoza ne spravi na kolena.

The only certainty is uncertainty,

Edina gotovost je negotovost,

and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

pa se s to krhkostjo ne soočamo preveč uspešno in trajno.

The World Health Organization tells us that depression

Svetovna zdravstvena organizacija nam pravi, da je depresija

is now the single leading cause of disability globally --

postala globalno najbolj razširjena bolezen,

outstripping cancer,

ki presega raka

outstripping heart disease.

in bolezni srca.

And at a time of greater complexity,

V času večje kompleksnosti,

unprecedented technological, political and economic change,

tehnoloških, političnih in ekonomskih sprememb brez primere,

we are seeing how people's tendency

lahko opazujemo, kako se ljudje

is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

vedno bolj togo odzivajo na lastna čustva.

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.

Na eni strani se lahko obsesivno izgubljamo v svojih čustvih.

Getting stuck inside our heads.

In obtičimo v svoji glavi.

Hooked on being right.

Zasvojeni s tem, da imamo prav.

Or victimized by our news feed.

Ali pa se počutimo žrtve novic.

On the other, we might bottle our emotions,

Na drugi strani pa se čustvom izogibamo,

pushing them aside

jih odrivamo.

and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

Dovoljujemo le tista čustva, ki se zdijo legitimna.

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,

Moja nedavna raziskava, ki je vključevala čaz 70.000 ljudi,

I found that a third of us --

je pokazala, da se ena tretjina --

a third --

tretjina --

either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"

obsoja, če občuti tako imenovana "slaba čustva"

like sadness,

kot so žalost,

anger or even grief.

jeza ali celo žalovanje.

Or actively try to push aside these feelings.

Ali pa aktivno odriva te občutke.

We do this not only to ourselves,

In tega ne delamo le sebi,

but also to people we love, like our children --

pač pa tudi ljudem, ki jih imamo radi, otrokom -

we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,

morda jih nehote sramotimo zaradi čustev, ki jih vidimo kot negativna,

jump to a solution,

prehitro zaključimo

and fail to help them

in jim ne pomagamo

to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

videti ta čustva kot dragocena.

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.

Običajna, naravna čustva smatramo dandanes kot dobra ali slaba.

And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.

Biti pozitiven je postalo danes nova oblika moralne korektnosti.

People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.

Ljudem z rakom se avtomatično svetuje, naj ostanejo pozitivni.

Women, to stop being so angry.

Ženskam, naj ne bodo tako jezne.

And the list goes on.

Seznam se nadaljuje.

It's a tyranny.

Gre za tiranijo,

It's a tyranny of positivity.

tiranijo pozitivnosti.

And it's cruel.

Kaj je kruto,

Unkind.

neprijazno

And ineffective.

in neučinkovito.

And we do it to ourselves,

To počnemo sebi

and we do it to others.

in drugim ljudem.

If there's one common feature

Če obstaja skupna lastnost

of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:

tičanja v negativnih mislih, odrivanja čustev in lažne pozitivnosti

they are all rigid responses.

je, da so to vse togi odzivi.

And if there's a single lesson we can learn

In lekcija, ki se jo lahko naučimo

from the inevitable fall of apartheid

iz neizogibnega padca apartheida je,

it is that rigid denial doesn't work.

da togo zanikanje ne deluje.

It's unsustainable.

Ne more biti trajno.

For individuals, for families,

Ne za posameznike, ne za družine

for societies.

in ne za družbe.

And as we watch the ice caps melt,

Kot ko opazujemo taljenje ledu,

it is unsustainable for our planet.

tako naš planet ne bo mogel preživeti.

Research on emotional suppression shows

Raziskave o zatiranju čustev pravijo,

that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,

da čustva, ki jih odrivamo ali ignoriramo

they get stronger.

postanejo močnejša.

Psychologists call this amplification.

Psihologi temu pravijo "ojačanje".

Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --

Kot tista slastna čokoladna tortica v hladilniku --

the more you try to ignore it ...

bolj ko poskušaš pozabiti nanjo...

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

the greater its hold on you.

bolj te mika.

You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,

Lahko si misliš, da imaš kontrolo nad nezaželenimi čustvi, ko jih odrivaš-

but in fact they control you.

ampak dejstvo je, da imajo ona kontrolo nad teboj.

Internal pain always comes out.

Notranja bolečina vedno pride na plano.

Always.

Vedno.

And who pays the price?

In kdo plača ceno?

We do.

Mi.

Our children,

Naši otroci,

our colleagues,

naši kolegi,

our communities.

naše skupnosti.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Ne razumite me narobe.

I'm not anti-happiness.

Nisem proti sreči.

I like being happy.

Rada sem srečna.

I'm a pretty happy person.

Sem precej srečna oseba.

But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,

A ko odrivamo naravna čustva z zlagano pozitivnostjo,

we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,

izgubimo sposobnosti spopadanja s svetom, kakršen je danes

not as we wish it to be.

in ne kakršnega si želimo.

I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.

Stotine ljudi mi pove, česa nočejo čutiti.

They say things like,

Pravijo, na primer:

"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."

"Nočem poskusiti, ker nočem biti razočaran."

Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

Ali: "Hočem le, da gre ta občutek stran."

"I understand," I say to them.

"Razumem," jim rečem.

"But you have dead people's goals."

"Toda, imate cilje mrtvih ljudi."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplavz)

Only dead people

Le mrtvi ljudje

never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

nikoli ne čutijo nezaželenih čustev in jim ni neprijetno ob njih.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Only dead people never get stressed,

Le mrtvi ljudje niso nikoli v stresu,

never get broken hearts,

nikoli nimajo zlomljenega srca,

never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

in ne občutijo razočaranja ob neuspehu.

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.

Težka čustva so del naše pogodbe z življenjem.

You don't get to have a meaningful career

Ni mogoče imeti izpolnjujoče kariere,

or raise a family

vzgajati otroke

or leave the world a better place

ali pripomoči k boljšemu svetu,

without stress and discomfort.

ne da bi bili kdaj v stresu ali čutili nelagodje.

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

Nelagodje je cena za izpolnjujoče življenje.

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity

Torej, kako se bomo lotili zmanjševanja naše togosti,

and embrace emotional agility?

da bomo lahko emocionalno prožnejši?

As that young schoolgirl,

Kot ta mlada šolarka,

when I leaned into those blank pages,

ko sem se nagnila nad prazne strani zvezka

I started to do away with feelings

in sem pričela obračunavati s tem,

of what I should be experiencing.

kar sem menila, da bi morala izkušati.

And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.

Namesto tega sem začela odpirati srce temu, kar sem dejansko čutila.

Pain.

Bolečini.

And grief.

Žalovanju.

And loss.

Izgubi

And regret.

in obžalovanju.

Research now shows

Novejše raziskave kažejo,

that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --

da je radikalno sprejetje vseh naših čustev --

even the messy, difficult ones --

tudi tistih zmedenih in težkih --

is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,

osnova za sposobnost soočanja s svetom, za uspeh

and true, authentic happiness.

in za pravo, avtentično srečo.

But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.

Toda čustvena prožnost je več kot le sprejemanje čustev.

We also know that accuracy matters.

Vemo tudi, da je pomembna natančnost.

In my own research, I found that words are essential.

V svoji raziskavi sem ugotovila, da je izbor besed bistven.

We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.

Pogosto uporabljamo hitre in lahke oznake za opis svojih čustev.

"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

"Sem v stresu", je ena najpogostejših, ki jih slišim.

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment

Vendar je ogromna razlika med stresom in razočaranjem

or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."

ali med stresom in groznim zavedanjem, da smo na napačni življenjski poti.

When we label our emotions accurately,

Ko naše čustvo natančno poimenujemo,

we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.

smo bolj sposobni zaznati natančen vzrok našim občutkom.

And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain

Kar znanstveniki imenujejo potencial pripravljenosti naših možganov,

is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.

se aktivira in nam omogoča, da nekaj konkretnega ukrenemo.

But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.

Pa ne karkoli-- prave korake za nas.

Because our emotions are data.

Ker naša čustva so podatki.

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.

Naša čustva vsebujejo utripajoče luči pri stvareh, ki so nam pomembe.

We tend not to feel strong emotion

Ne čutimo močnih čustev

to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.

do stvari, ki nam ne pomenijo nič.

If you feel rage when you read the news,

Če na primer začutite bes, ko preberete novico,

that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --

je ta bes morda znak da cenite pravičnost in poštenost --

and an opportunity to take active steps

in priložnost za ukrepanje,

to shape your life in that direction.

da se bo vaše življenje obrnilo v to smer.

When we are open to the difficult emotions,

Ko smo odprti za težka čustva,

we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

smo sposobni odzivov, ki so skladni z našimi vrednotami.

But there's an important caveat.

Obstaja pa pomembno opozorilo.

Emotions are data, they are not directives.

Čustva so podatki, ne direktive.

We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values

Lahko prisluhnemo čustvom in raziskujemo z njimi povezane vrednote.

without needing to listen to them.

Ni pa treba, da jih ubogamo.

Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --

Tako lahko prisluhnem svojemu sinu v frustraciji glede nove sestrice --

but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away

Vendar ne pritrdim njegovi nameri, da jo odda

to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

prvemu tujcu v nakupovalnem središču.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

We own our emotions, they don't own us.

Mi smo lastniki naših čustev, ne obratno.

When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom

Ko z vso modrostjo ponotranjimo razliko med tem kako se počutimo

and what I do in a values-aligned action,

in tem, kar potem storimo skladno s svojimi vrednotami,

we generate the pathway to our best selves

ustvarimo pot do svoje najboljše različice

via our emotions.

skozi svoja čustva.

So, what does this look like in practice?

Torej, kako to izgleda v praksi?

When you feel a strong, tough emotion,

Ko začutiš močno, težko čustvo

don't race for the emotional exits.

ne pobegni.

Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.

Prouči obrise čustva, prisluhni dnevniku svojega srca.

What is the emotion telling you?

Kaj ti to čustvo govori?

And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."

In izogibaj se besednim zvezam "Sem jezna" ali "sem žalostna".

When you say "I am"

Ko rečeš "Sem"

it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.

to zveni, kot da si ti čustvo.

Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.

Pa si pravzaprav ti ti, čustvo pa je vir podatkov.

Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:

Namesto tega, skušaj opozovati občutek kakršen je:

"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"

"Opazila sem, da čutim žalost."

or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."

ali "Opazila sem, da čutim jezo."

These are essential skills for us,

To so bistvene sposobnosti za nas,

our families, our communities.

za naše družine in družbe.

They're also critical to the workplace.

So tudi bistvene za delovna mesta.

In my research,

V svoji raziskavi o tem

when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,

kaj motivira ljudi na delovnem mestu, da se trudijo po najboljših močeh,

I found a powerful key contributor:

sem ugotovila, da je ključna

individualized consideration.

individualna obravnava.

When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,

Ko se ljudem dovoli, da čutijo svojo emocionalno resnico,

engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.

v organizaciji cveti predanost, kreativnost in inovativnost.

Diversity isn't just people,

Raznolikost ne pomeni le ljudi,

it's also what's inside people.

temveč tudi to, kar je znotraj njih,

Including diversity of emotion.

kar vključuje tudi raznolikost čustev.

The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,

Najbolj prožni in vzdržljivi posamezniki, kolektivi,

organizations, families, communities

organizacije, družine in družbe

are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.

so zgrajene na odprtosti do normalnih človeških čustev.

It's this that allows us to say,

To je to, kar nam dopušča vprašati:

"What is my emotion telling me?"

"Kaj mi to čustvo govori?"

"Which action will bring me towards my values?"

"Katero dejanje me bo pripeljalo proti mojim vrednotam?"

"Which will take me away from my values?"

"Katero me bo oddaljilo od mojih vrednot?"

Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions

Čustvena prožnost je sposobnost biti s svojimi čustvi

with curiosity, compassion,

z radovednostjo, sočutjem

and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.

in je zlasti pogum, da naredimo korake, ki so v sozvočju z našimi vrednotami.

When I was little,

Ko sem bila majhna,

I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.

sem se zbujala ponoči zaradi strašnega strahu o smrti.

My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.

Oče me je tolažil z nežnimi dotiki in poljubčki.

But he would never lie.

Nikoli pa mi ni lagal.

"We all die, Susie," he would say.

Rekel je: "Suzi, vsi bomo umrli.

"It's normal to be scared."

Normalno je, da te je strah."

He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.

Ni se trudil zavijati realnosti v vato.

It took me a while to understand

Šele kasneje sem razumela

the power of how he guided me through those nights.

to njegovo moč, s katero me je vodil skozi tiste noči.

What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;

Pokazal mi je, da pogum ni odsotnost strahu;

courage is fear walking.

Pogum je spopadanje s strahom.

Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,

Nihče od nas ni vedel, da ga čez kratkih 10 let

he would be gone.

ne bo več.

And that time for each of us is all too precious

In ta čas je za vsakega od nas tako zelo dragocen

and all too brief.

in zelo prekratek.

But when our moment comes

Toda, ko bo prišel naš trenutek,

to face our fragility,

da se soočimo s svojo krhkostjo,

in that ultimate time,

takrat, v tem ključnem trenutku

it will ask us,

bomo soočeni z vprašanjem:

"Are you agile?"

"Ali ste prožni?"

"Are you agile?"

"Ali ste prožni?"

Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."

Naj bomo takrat zmožni brez zadržkov pritrditi.

A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.

Naj bo to "ja", ki se bo rodil iz vseživljenjskega pogovora s svojim srcem.

And in seeing yourself.

In iz tega, da se resnično vidimo.

Because in seeing yourself,

Ker takrat, ko vidimo sebe,

you are also able to see others, too:

lahko vidimo tudi druge,

the only sustainable way forward

kar je edina trajnostna pot naprej

in a fragile, beautiful world.

v tem krhkem in krasnem svetu.

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

And thank you.

In hvala.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplavz)

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplavz)