The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

翻译人员: Emma Ye 校对人员: Riky Liang

Hello, everyone.

大家好。

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

In South Africa, where I come from,

在南非，也就是我的家乡，

"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."

“Sawubona”是祖鲁语中的“你好”。

There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word

这个词背后有着很优美且有力量的含义，

because "sawubona" literally translated means,

从字面上来翻译的话，“Sawubona”表示

"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."

“我看见你了， 因为我看见你，所以你存在了”

So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.

多么美妙啊，想象一下 有人跟你这样打招呼。

But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?

那我们是以什么方式看待自己的？

Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories

我们的思想，我们的情感， 还是我们的故事，

that help us to thrive

在帮助我们

in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

在这个日益复杂而 充满危机的世界中茁壮成长？

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.

这个重要的问题一直是 我毕生工作所围绕的中心。

Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.

因为我们如何处理我们的内在世界 引领着一切，

Every aspect of how we love, how we live,

渗透了以下的方方面面： 我们怎么去爱、怎么生活、

how we parent and how we lead.

怎么为人父母，以及怎么领导。

The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,

传统观点中把情绪分为好或坏，

positive or negative,

积极或消极，

is rigid.

这样是很僵化的。

And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.

而面对复杂时，僵化是有害的。

We need greater levels of emotional agility

我们需要提高情绪的敏锐度，

for true resilience and thriving.

以此来真正的适应与成长。

My journey with this calling

我的这个职业旅程

began not in the hallowed halls of a university,

并不是开始于大学的神圣殿堂，

but in the messy, tender business of life.

而开始于我生命中 混乱而又脆弱的时期。

I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,

我在南非种族隔离时期的 白人郊区中长大，

a country and community committed to not seeing.

这个国家和社会都决定 不去正视这个问题，

To denial.

去否认。

It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible

这种否认促使了种族主义立法 长达50多年的合理性存在，

while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

而在此期间，人们确信 他们自己并没有做错。

And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial

然而，我第一次切身地体会到 这种否认所带来的

at a personal level,

破坏性力量

before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

尚在我理解到它对我的出生国 所能带来的后果之前。

My father died on a Friday.

我父亲是在一个周五去世的，

He was 42 years old and I was 15.

他那时42岁，而我才15岁。

My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father

母亲轻声跟我说：“上学前，

before I went to school.

先去跟父亲说再见。”

So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through

于是，我放下我的背包， 穿过通向我们房子中心的通道，

to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.

我的父亲正躺在那儿， 身患癌症而濒临死亡。

His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.

他的眼睛闭着，但他知道我就在那儿。

In his presence, I had always felt seen.

在他面前，我总是能感觉到。

I told him I loved him,

我告诉他我爱他，

said goodbye and headed off for my day.

跟他道了别，然后上学去了。

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,

在学校，我上了科学课、数学课、 历史课和生物课，

as my father slipped from the world.

而当时我的父亲正从这个世界消失。

From May to July to September to November,

从五月到七月、九月，再到十一月，

I went about with my usual smile.

我都带着我一贯的微笑，

I didn't drop a single grade.

我连一个名次都没掉。

When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."

当有人问起我怎么样时， 我会耸耸肩，说：“没事”

I was praised for being strong.

大家都表扬我很坚强，

I was the master of being OK.

我是表面没事的专家。

But back home, we struggled --

但回到家时，我们苦苦挣扎——

my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going

我父亲在生病期间，

during his illness.

没能照顾好他的小生意。

And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life

而我母亲，孤身一人， 一边为失去挚爱而悲伤

trying to raise three children,

一边还要全力抚养三个孩子。

and the creditors were knocking.

而此时债主已经登门。

We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.

我们这个家，遭受着财务 和情感上的重创。

And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.

很快我的体重开始急速下降， 我感到很孤立。

I started to use food to numb my pain.

我开始用食物来麻痹我的痛苦，

Binging and purging.

吃下去又吐出来。

Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.

我拒绝接受我所有的悲伤情绪。

No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,

没有人知道，况且，在这样一个 崇尚盲目乐观的文化氛围中，

I thought that no one wanted to know.

我认为并没有人想要知道这些。

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.

但是，有一个人， 并不相信我就这么战胜了悲痛。

My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes

我八年级的英语老师 用灼热的蓝色的眼睛盯着我，

as she handed out blank notebooks.

并递给我空白的笔记本。

She said, "Write what you're feeling.

她说，“写下你的感觉，

Tell the truth.

说出真心话，

Write like nobody's reading."

就像没有人会去看那样写。”

And just like that,

就像她所说的，

I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.

我开始展示我真实的悲伤和痛苦。

It was a simple act

这是很简单的行为，

but nothing short of a revolution for me.

但对于我来说，是一场革命。

It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook

而就是这场30年前，由这本空白笔记本

30 years ago

开启的革命，

that shaped my life's work.

奠基了我这一生的事业。

The secret, silent correspondence with myself.

写给自己的秘密的，无声的信。

Like a gymnast,

就像一个体操运动员，

I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial

我开始超越否认的僵化性，

into what I've now come to call

进入到我现在的层面

emotional agility.

我称之为情绪敏锐度。

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

生命的美丽离不开它的脆弱。

We are young until we are not.

我们都是年轻的，直到我们不再年轻，

We walk down the streets sexy

我们性感地走过街道，

until one day we realize that we are unseen.

直到有一天我们意识到 没有人在看着我们，

We nag our children and one day realize

我们唠叨孩子，直到有一天意识到

that there is silence where that child once was,

孩子曾经所在的地方只剩下沉默，

now making his or her way in the world.

而他/她已经在世界上渐行渐远，

We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.

我们是健康的，直到某个诊断结果 把我们击倒。

The only certainty is uncertainty,

唯一能够确定的东西是不确定。

and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

迄今为止我们无法成功地 或者持续地确定这个弱点的航向。

The World Health Organization tells us that depression

世界健康组织告诉我们抑郁

is now the single leading cause of disability globally --

如今是全球中导致残疾的 唯一主要原因。

outstripping cancer,

超过了癌症，

outstripping heart disease.

也超过了心脏病。

And at a time of greater complexity,

在这样一个更复杂，

unprecedented technological, political and economic change,

具备史无前例的技术、 政治和经济变革的时代，

we are seeing how people's tendency

我们看到人们倾向于

is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

越来越严格限制他们的情绪反应。

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.

一方面我们可能对自己的感觉过度焦虑，

Getting stuck inside our heads.

我们在脑海里面卡住，

Hooked on being right.

被要表现得正确的想法钩住，

Or victimized by our news feed.

或者为我们的外在表现作出牺牲。

On the other, we might bottle our emotions,

另一方面，我们可能会深藏我们的情绪，

pushing them aside

把情绪推向一边

and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

并且只允许那些 看起来合理的情绪表露出来。

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,

最近我做了一个 超过7万人参与的调查，

I found that a third of us --

我发现有三分之一的人——

a third --

三分之一

either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"

要么批判自己拥有所谓的“坏情绪”，

like sadness,

例如悲伤，

anger or even grief.

生气，甚至悲痛。

Or actively try to push aside these feelings.

要么积极地尝试把这些情绪推向一边。

We do this not only to ourselves,

我们不仅对自己这么做，

but also to people we love, like our children --

而且对我们爱的人也这么做， 比如对我们的孩子，

we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,

我们可能无意中对他们看似 消极的情绪感到羞恼，

jump to a solution,

所以直接跳到了解决方法这一步，

and fail to help them

而忽略了去帮助他们

to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

认识到这些情绪本身是很宝贵的。

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.

自然的情绪现在通常被分为好或坏。

And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.

表现积极被看作是 道德正确的一种新形式。

People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.

患癌的人们被理所当然地 告知要表现积极向上。

Women, to stop being so angry.

女人们不能生气而失了优雅。

And the list goes on.

这个清单一直在扩充着。

It's a tyranny.

这是一种暴政。

It's a tyranny of positivity.

这是以积极为名的暴政。

And it's cruel.

而且这是残忍的，

Unkind.

不友好的，

And ineffective.

也是无效的。

And we do it to ourselves,

而我们还这样对待自己。

and we do it to others.

还这样对待别人。

If there's one common feature

如果焦虑、深藏情绪或者虚假的积极

of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:

只有一个共同特征的话，那就是

they are all rigid responses.

他们都是僵化的反应。

And if there's a single lesson we can learn

如果说，我们从种族隔离 不可避免地减少中学到了一课，

from the inevitable fall of apartheid

那，这唯一的一课就是：

it is that rigid denial doesn't work.

生硬的否认是没有用的。

It's unsustainable.

它是不可持续的。

For individuals, for families,

无论是对于个人、对于家庭，

for societies.

还是对于社会，都是如此。

And as we watch the ice caps melt,

当我们看到冰冠融化时，

it is unsustainable for our planet.

它对我们这个星球来说就是不可持续的。

Research on emotional suppression shows

有关情绪压抑的研究表明，

that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,

当情绪被推向一边或被忽略时，

they get stronger.

它们会变得更强烈。

Psychologists call this amplification.

心理学家称之为放大。

Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --

就像冰箱里美味的巧克力蛋糕一样，

the more you try to ignore it ...

你越想去忽略它……

(Laughter)

（笑声）

the greater its hold on you.

它就越吸引你。

You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,

你也许会以为忽略了想要的情绪时， 你就控制住了它们。

but in fact they control you.

但实际上，它们控制了你。

Internal pain always comes out.

内在的痛苦总是会出现。

Always.

总是如此。

And who pays the price?

那谁对这些买单？

We do.

我们自己。

Our children,

我们的孩子。

our colleagues,

我们的同事。

our communities.

我们的社会。

Now, don't get me wrong.

现在，不要误解我的意思。

I'm not anti-happiness.

我不是反对快乐，

I like being happy.

我喜欢快乐的状态，

I'm a pretty happy person.

我是一个非常快乐的人。

But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,

但是当我们把正常的情绪放在一边， 仅仅拥抱那些虚假的的积极时，

we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,

我们失去了与真实的世界 打交道的能力，

not as we wish it to be.

而这不是我们希望发生的。

I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.

成百上千的人告诉过我，他们不想感受。

They say things like,

他们会这样说，

"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."

“我不想尝试，因为我不想失望”

Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

或者“我只是不想要这种感觉”

"I understand," I say to them.

“我理解，”我对他们说

"But you have dead people's goals."

“你跟死人有一样的目标”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

Only dead people

只有死人

never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

才不会为他们的情绪而感到 不爽或不便。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Only dead people never get stressed,

只有死人永远不会有压力，

never get broken hearts,

不会伤心，

never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

不会体会到失败所带来的失望。

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.

艰难的情绪是我们 与生活的契约的一部分。

You don't get to have a meaningful career

没有任何一份卓绝的事业，

or raise a family

抚养一个家庭，

or leave the world a better place

或者让世界变更加美好

without stress and discomfort.

让你不用面对压力和苦恼。

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

不适感是你进入一个有意义的生活 所要付出的代价。

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity

那么，我们要如何瓦解这种僵化

and embrace emotional agility?

去拥抱敏锐的情绪呢？

As that young schoolgirl,

作为那个年轻的校园女生，

when I leaned into those blank pages,

当我倾身进入那些空白的页面时，

I started to do away with feelings

我开始消除那些情感，

of what I should be experiencing.

那些我理论上应该体会的情感，

And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.

取而代之的是我开始打开我的心 去真正地感受。

Pain.

疼痛，

And grief.

痛苦，

And loss.

失去，

And regret.

后悔。

Research now shows

研究表明，

that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --

完全地接受我们所有的情绪，

even the messy, difficult ones --

甚至是混乱的，艰难的情绪，

is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,

都是我们坚韧的、茁壮的、

and true, authentic happiness.

真实的快乐的基石。

But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.

但是情绪敏锐化不仅仅是接纳情绪，

We also know that accuracy matters.

我们都知道准确性很重要。

In my own research, I found that words are essential.

在我自己的研究中， 我发现词语是必不可少的。

We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.

我们通常用快速又容易得到的标签 来描述我们的感受，

"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

“我压力好大”是我最常听到的。

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment

但压力与失望之间存在着巨大的差异。

or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."

压力与“我不适合这个工作”的恐惧感之间 同样差异显著。

When we label our emotions accurately,

当我们能够准确标识我们的情绪时，

we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.

我们才能更好地分辨出 我们产生这种感受的确切原因。

And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain

我们大脑里被科学家称为准备电位的东西

is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.

被激活以后，我们可以开始具体的步骤。

But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.

但并不是每一步都是对的，

Because our emotions are data.

因为我们的情绪是个数据库。

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.

我们的情绪就像一盏探照灯， 只会照亮我们所关心的事物。

We tend not to feel strong emotion

而对于我们不太在意的东西，

to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.

则不会产生强烈的情绪。

If you feel rage when you read the news,

如果你看新闻的时候感到愤怒，

that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --

那这种愤怒的情绪就是一个路标， 也许表明，你看重公平和公正，

and an opportunity to take active steps

这也是一个机会， 你可以借此采取一些积极的措施，

to shape your life in that direction.

往那个方向去塑造你的生活。

When we are open to the difficult emotions,

当我们接纳那些艰难的情绪时，

we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

我们就能够发出 与我们价值观一致的反应。

But there's an important caveat.

但这里有个重要的提示：

Emotions are data, they are not directives.

情绪是一个数据库， 它们不是具体的指令。

We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values

我们可以去展示或发掘情绪的价值，

without needing to listen to them.

而不盲从情绪。

Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --

就像我可以看到我儿子被他的 小妹妹折磨得很惨，

but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away

但我不赞成他要把妹妹丢给

to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

他在商场见到的第一个陌生人的想法。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We own our emotions, they don't own us.

我们是情绪的主人，而不是反过来。

When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom

当我们内化了我理智所想

and what I do in a values-aligned action,

与内外协调一致的差异时，

we generate the pathway to our best selves

我们就能够通过情绪找到途径通向

via our emotions.

最好的自我。

So, what does this look like in practice?

那么，这在实践中看起来如何呢？

When you feel a strong, tough emotion,

当你感受到强烈又强硬的情绪时，

don't race for the emotional exits.

不要急于抓住他，

Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.

去了解它的轮廓， 让它慢慢在你心中呈现。

What is the emotion telling you?

这种情绪在告诉你什么？

And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."

尝试不要用“我是”，比如说 “我是生气的”或者“我是伤心的”，

When you say "I am"

当你说“我是”的时候，

it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.

听起来就像你就是情绪本身。

Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.

而你是你自身，情绪只是一个数据源。

Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:

相反，试着去注意感受本身是什么。

"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"

“我注意到我感到悲伤”

or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."

或“我注意到我感到生气”。

These are essential skills for us,

这些是必不可少的技能，

our families, our communities.

对我们，我们的家庭， 我们的社区来说都是。

They're also critical to the workplace.

它们在工作场合也很重要。

In my research,

在我的研究中，

when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,

当我寻找什么能够帮助人们 展现最好的自己时，

I found a powerful key contributor:

我发现了一个非常有力的关键的贡献者：

individualized consideration.

个性化的考虑。

When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,

当人们能够感受到他们真实的情绪时，

engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.

他们在组织中的参与度、 创造性和创新性都能够大大提升。

Diversity isn't just people,

多元化的不仅仅是人，

it's also what's inside people.

人的内在也是多元化的。

Including diversity of emotion.

包括情绪的多元化。

The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,

最敏锐的、坚韧的个人、

organizations, families, communities

团队、组织、家庭、社区

are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.

都是建立在包容正常的 人类情绪的基础上的。

It's this that allows us to say,

正是如此我们才能够说，

"What is my emotion telling me?"

“我的情绪正在告诉我什么？”

"Which action will bring me towards my values?"

“怎样的措施可以跟我的价值观一致？”

"Which will take me away from my values?"

“怎么做会背离我的价值观？”

Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions

情绪敏锐化就是具备一种能力，

with curiosity, compassion,

它能够让你用好奇心，同情心，

and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.

特别是采取价值观相关措施 的勇气去处理你的情绪。

When I was little,

在我小时候，

I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.

晚上一想到死亡这件事 我就害怕得睡不着。

My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.

我父亲会温柔地拍拍我亲亲我安慰我，

But he would never lie.

但他从来不会说谎。

"We all die, Susie," he would say.

“我们都会死的，苏西”，他会说，

"It's normal to be scared."

“害怕是很正常的。”

He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.

他根本不会试着在我和 真实世界之间放个缓冲器。

It took me a while to understand

我花了一段时间才能理解

the power of how he guided me through those nights.

在那些晚上他指引给我的力量。

What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;

他展示给我的是勇敢 并不意味着不害怕，

courage is fear walking.

勇敢是你在害怕中仍然前行。

Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,

我们谁都不知道就在短短十年内，

he would be gone.

他就会离开人世。

And that time for each of us is all too precious

而那段时间对于我们俩来说是多么地珍贵

and all too brief.

又多么地短暂。

But when our moment comes

但当我们分别的那一刻

to face our fragility,

我们面对脆弱的那一刻，

in that ultimate time,

在最后的时间里，

it will ask us,

它会问我们

"Are you agile?"

“你够敏锐吗？”

"Are you agile?"

“你够敏锐吗？”

Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."

让那一刻变成一个毫无保留的“是”吧，

A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.

这个“是”来自于你与自己的内心 保持着终生的一致性，

And in seeing yourself.

以及洞察你自己。

Because in seeing yourself,

因为洞察你自己，

you are also able to see others, too:

你才能洞察别人，

the only sustainable way forward

这是唯一一个可持续的方法，

in a fragile, beautiful world.

在这个脆弱而又美丽的世界中前行。

Sawubona.

Sawubona.

And thank you.

谢谢。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）