The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

1,398,501 views ใƒป 2018-02-20

TED


ืื ื ืœื—ืฅ ืคืขืžื™ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ืœืžื˜ื” ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืคืขื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืกืจื˜ื•ืŸ.

ืชืจื’ื•ื: David Kattan ืขืจื™ื›ื”: Ido Dekkers
00:13
Hello, everyone.
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ืฉืœื•ื ืœื›ื•ืœื.
00:15
Sawubona.
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"ืกึธืื•ึผื‘ื•ึนื ึทื”".
00:20
In South Africa, where I come from,
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ื‘ื“ืจื•ื ืืคืจื™ืงื”, ืฉืžืžื ื” ื”ื’ืขืชื™,
00:22
"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."
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"ืกึธืื•ึผื‘ื•ึนื ึทื”" ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื” "ืฉืœื•ื" ื‘ืฉืคืช ื”ื–ื•ึผืœื•ึผ.
00:26
There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word
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ื™ืฉื ื” ื›ื•ื•ื ื” ื™ืคื”ืคื™ื™ื” ื•ืขื•ืฆืžืชื™ืช ืžืื—ื•ืจื™ ื”ืžื™ืœื”,
00:28
because "sawubona" literally translated means,
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ืžื›ื™ื•ื•ืŸ ืฉื”ืชืจื’ื•ื ื”ืžื™ืœื•ืœื™ ืœ"ืกึธืื•ึผื‘ื•ึนื ึทื”" ื”ื•ื:
00:31
"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."
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"ืื ื™ ืจื•ืื” ืื•ืชืš, ื•ื‘ื›ืš ืื ื™ ืžื ื›ื™ื—ื” ืืช ืงื™ื•ืžืš."
00:35
So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.
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ื›ื” ื™ืคื”, ื“ืžื™ื™ื ื• ืฉืžื‘ืจื›ื™ื ืืชื›ื ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ื”ื–ื•.
00:40
But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?
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ืื‘ืœ ืžื” ื–ื” ืื•ืžืจ, ืœื’ื‘ื™ ื”ืื•ืคืŸ ืฉื‘ื• ืื ื• ืจื•ืื™ื ืืช ืขืฆืžื ื•?
00:43
Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories
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ื”ืžื—ืฉื‘ื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•, ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื• ื•ื”ืกื™ืคื•ืจื™ื ืฉืœื ื•,
00:45
that help us to thrive
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ืฉืขื•ื–ืจื™ื ืœื ื• ืœืฉื’ืฉื’
00:47
in an increasingly complex and fraught world?
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ื‘ืขื•ืœื ืฉื”ื•ืคืš ืžื•ืจื›ื‘ ื•ื˜ืขื•ืŸ ื™ื•ืชืจ ื•ื™ื•ืชืจ?
00:50
This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.
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ื”ืฉืืœื” ื”ืžื›ืจื™ืขื” ื”ื–ื• ื ืžืฆืืช ื‘ืžืจื›ื– ืžืคืขืœ ื—ื™ื™.
00:54
Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.
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ืžื›ื™ื•ื•ืŸ ืฉื”ื“ืจืš ื‘ื” ืื ื• ืžืชืžื•ื“ื“ื™ื ืขื ืขื•ืœืžื ื• ื”ืคื ื™ืžื™ ืžื ื™ืขื” ืืช ื”ื›ืœ:
00:58
Every aspect of how we love, how we live,
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ื›ืœ ื”ื™ื‘ื˜ ื‘ื“ืจืš ืฉื‘ื” ืื ื• ืื•ื”ื‘ื™ื, ื—ื™ื™ื,
01:01
how we parent and how we lead.
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ืžื’ื“ืœื™ื ืืช ื™ืœื“ื™ื ื• ื•ืžื ื”ื™ื’ื™ื ืื—ืจื™ื.
01:04
The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,
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ื”ืจืื™ื™ื” ื”ืžืงื•ื‘ืœืช ืฉืœ ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื›ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื ืื• ืจืขื™ื,
01:08
positive or negative,
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ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ื™ื ืื• ืฉืœื™ืœื™ื™ื,
01:10
is rigid.
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ื”ื™ื ื ื•ืงืฉื”.
01:11
And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.
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ื•ื ื•ืงืฉื•ืช ืœืžื•ืœ ืžื•ืจื›ื‘ื•ืช ื”ื™ื ืืจืกื™ืช.
01:16
We need greater levels of emotional agility
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ืื ื• ืฆืจื™ื›ื™ื ืจืžื•ืช ื’ื‘ื•ื”ื•ืช ื™ื•ืชืจ ืฉืœ ื’ืžื™ืฉื•ืช ืจื’ืฉื™ืช
01:19
for true resilience and thriving.
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ื‘ืฉื‘ื™ืœ ื—ื•ืกืŸ ื•ืฉื’ืฉื•ื’ ืืžื™ืชื™ื™ื.
01:23
My journey with this calling
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ื”ืžืกืข ืฉืœื™ ืขื ื”ื™ื™ืขื•ื“ ื”ื–ื”,
01:25
began not in the hallowed halls of a university,
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ื”ื—ืœ ืœื ื‘ืžืกื“ืจื•ื ื•ืช ื”ืžืงื•ื“ืฉื™ื ืฉืœ ืื•ื ื™ื‘ืจืกื™ื˜ื”,
01:28
but in the messy, tender business of life.
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ืืœื ื‘ืขืกืง ื”ืžื‘ื•ืœื’ืŸ ื•ื”ืจื’ื™ืฉ ืฉืœ ื”ื—ื™ื™ื.
01:31
I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,
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ืื ื™ ื’ื“ืœืชื™ ื‘ืคืจื‘ืจื™ื ื”ืœื‘ื ื™ื ื‘ืืคืจื˜ื”ื™ื™ื“ ืฉืœ ื“ืจื•ื ืืคืจื™ืงื”,
01:35
a country and community committed to not seeing.
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ืžื“ื™ื ื” ื•ืงื”ื™ืœื” ืฉื”ื™ื™ืชื” ืžื—ื•ื™ื‘ืช ืœ"ืœื ืœืจืื•ืช".
01:38
To denial.
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ืœื”ื›ื—ืฉื”.
01:40
It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible
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ื–ื•ื”ื™ ื”ื›ื—ืฉื” ืฉื”ื•ืคื›ืช 50 ืฉื ื™ื ืฉืœ ื—ืงื™ืงื” ื’ื–ืขื ื™ืช ืœืืคืฉืจื™ืช,
01:45
while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.
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ื‘ืขื•ื“ ืื ืฉื™ื ืžืฉื›ื ืขื™ื ืืช ืขืฆืžื ืฉื”ื ืœื ืขื•ืฉื™ื ืฉื•ื ื“ื‘ืจ ืจืข.
01:49
And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial
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ื•ืขื“ื™ื™ืŸ, ืœืžื“ืชื™ ืœืจืืฉื•ื ื” ืขืœ ื›ื•ื—ื” ื”ื”ืจืกื ื™ ืฉืœ ื”ื”ื›ื—ืฉื” ื‘ืจืžื” ื”ืื™ืฉื™ืช,
01:53
at a personal level,
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01:55
before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.
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ืœืคื ื™ ืฉื”ื‘ื ืชื™ ืžื” ื”ื™ื ื’ื•ืจืžืช ืœืžื“ื™ื ืช ื”ื•ืœื“ืชื™.
02:01
My father died on a Friday.
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ืื‘ื™ ื ืคื˜ืจ ื‘ื™ื•ื ืฉื™ืฉื™
02:04
He was 42 years old and I was 15.
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ื”ื•ื ื”ื™ื” ื‘ืŸ 42 ื•ืื ื™ ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ื‘ืช 15.
02:07
My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father
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ืืžื™ ืœื—ืฉื” ืœื™ ืœืœื›ืช ื•ืœื”ื™ืคืจื“ ืžืื‘ื™
02:10
before I went to school.
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ืœืคื ื™ ืฉื”ืœื›ืชื™ ืœื‘ื™ืช ื”ืกืคืจ.
02:12
So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through
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ืื– ื”ื ื—ืชื™ ืืช ื”ื™ืœืงื•ื˜ ืฉืœื™ ื•ืคืกืขืชื™ ื“ืจืš ื”ืžืกื“ืจื•ืŸ ืฉื”ื•ื‘ื™ืœ
02:15
to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.
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ืœืœื‘ ื‘ื™ืชื™ื ื•, ืื™ืคื” ืฉืื‘ื™ ืฉื›ื‘ ื’ื•ืกืก ืžืกืจื˜ืŸ.
02:19
His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.
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ืขื™ื ื™ื• ื”ื™ื• ืกื’ื•ืจื•ืช, ืื‘ืœ ื”ื•ื ื™ื“ืข ืฉืื ื™ ืฉื
02:22
In his presence, I had always felt seen.
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ื‘ื ื•ื›ื—ื•ืชื•, ืชืžื™ื“ ื”ืจื’ืฉืชื™ ื ืจืื™ืช
02:26
I told him I loved him,
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ืืžืจืชื™ ืœื• ืฉืื ื™ ืื•ื”ื‘ืช ืื•ืชื•,
02:27
said goodbye and headed off for my day.
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ื ืคืจื“ืชื™ ืžืžื ื• ื•ื”ืœื›ืชื™ ืœื“ืจื›ื™.
02:31
At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,
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ื‘ื‘ื™ืช ื”ืกืคืจ, ืงื™ืคืฆืชื™ ื‘ื™ืŸ ื”ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ื ื”ืฉื•ื ื™ื
02:36
as my father slipped from the world.
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ื‘ื–ืžืŸ ืฉืื‘ื™ ื ืคืจื“ ืžืŸ ื”ืขื•ืœื.
02:38
From May to July to September to November,
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ืžื—ื•ื“ืฉ ืžืื™ ืขื“ ื™ื•ืœื™, ืกื˜ืคื˜ืžื‘ืจ ื•ืื– ื ื•ื‘ืžื‘ืจ,
02:41
I went about with my usual smile.
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ื”ืชื”ืœื›ืชื™ ืขื ื”ื—ื™ื•ืš ื”ืจื’ื™ืœ ืฉืœื™.
02:44
I didn't drop a single grade.
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ืืฃ ืฆื™ื•ืŸ ืฉืœื™ ืœื ื ืคื’ืข.
02:46
When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."
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ื›ืฉื ืฉืืœืชื™, "ืžื” ืฉืœื•ืžืš?" ืคืฉื•ื˜ ืืžืจืชื™ "ื‘ืกื“ืจ"
02:51
I was praised for being strong.
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ืฉื™ื‘ื—ื• ืื•ืชื™ ืขืœ ื”ื™ื•ืชื™ ื—ื•ื–ืงื”.
02:54
I was the master of being OK.
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ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ืืžื ื™ืช ื‘ืœื”ื™ื•ืช "ื‘ืกื“ืจ".
02:58
But back home, we struggled --
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ืื‘ืœ ื‘ื‘ื™ืช, ื ืื‘ืงื ื•.
03:00
my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going
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ืื‘ื™ ืœื ื™ื›ืœ ืœื ื”ืœ ืืช ื”ืขืกืง ื”ืงื˜ืŸ ืฉืœื•
03:03
during his illness.
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ื‘ื–ืžืŸ ืžื—ืœืชื•.
03:04
And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life
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ื•ืืžื™, ืœื‘ื“ื”, ื”ืชืื‘ืœื” ืขืœ ืื”ื‘ืช ื—ื™ื™ื”,
03:07
trying to raise three children,
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ื ื™ืกืชื” ืœื’ื“ืœ ืฉืœื•ืฉื” ื™ืœื“ื™ื
03:08
and the creditors were knocking.
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ื•ื”ื ื•ืฉื™ื ื“ืคืงื• ืขืœ ื”ื“ืœืช.
03:11
We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.
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ื”ืจื’ืฉื ื•, ื›ืžืฉืคื—ื”, ื”ืจื•ืกื™ื ื›ืœื›ืœื™ืช ื•ืจื’ืฉื™ืช.
03:15
And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.
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ื•ืื ื™ ื”ืชื—ืœืชื™ ืœืฆืœื•ืœ ืœืžื˜ื” ื‘ื•ื“ื“ื”, ื‘ืžื”ื™ืจื•ืช.
03:20
I started to use food to numb my pain.
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ื”ืชื—ืœืชื™ ืœื”ืฉืชืžืฉ ื‘ืื•ื›ืœ ื›ื“ื™ ืœืืœื—ืฉ ืืช ื”ื›ืื‘ ืฉืœื™.
03:24
Binging and purging.
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ื–ืœืœืชื™ ื•ื”ืงืืชื™.
03:26
Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.
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ืกื™ืจื‘ืชื™ ืœืงื‘ืœ ืืช ืžืœื•ื ื›ื•ื‘ื“ ื”ืื‘ืœ ืฉืœื™.
03:31
No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,
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ืื™ืฉ ืœื ื™ื“ืข, ื•ื‘ืชืจื‘ื•ืช ืฉืžืงื“ืฉืช ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ืชืžื™ื“ื™ืช,
03:35
I thought that no one wanted to know.
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ื—ืฉื‘ืชื™ ืฉืืฃ ืื—ื“ ืœื ืจืฆื” ืœื“ืขืช.
03:39
But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.
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ืื‘ืœ ืื™ืฉื” ืื—ืช ืœื ืงื ืชื” ืืช ืกื™ืคื•ืจ ื ื™ืฆื—ื•ื ื™ ืขืœ ื”ืื‘ืœ.
03:44
My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes
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ืžื•ืจืชื™ ืœืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื‘ื›ื™ืชื” ื—' ื”ืชืžืงื“ื” ื‘ื™ ืขื ืขื™ื ื™ื” ื”ื›ื—ื•ืœื•ืช,
03:48
as she handed out blank notebooks.
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ื‘ื–ืžืŸ ืฉื—ื™ืœืงื” ืžื—ื‘ืจื•ืช ืจื™ืงื•ืช
03:51
She said, "Write what you're feeling.
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ื”ื™ื ืืžืจื”: "ื›ืชื‘ื• ืžื” ืฉืืชื ืžืจื’ื™ืฉื™ื.
03:55
Tell the truth.
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ืกืคืจื• ืืช ื”ืืžืช.
03:56
Write like nobody's reading."
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ื›ืชื‘ื• ื›ืื™ืœื• ืืฃ ืื—ื“ ืœื ืงื•ืจื."
04:00
And just like that,
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ื•ื›ื›ื” ืคืชืื•ื,
04:01
I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.
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ื–ื•ืžื ืชื™ ืœื”ื•ืคื™ืข, ื‘ืื•ืชื ื˜ื™ื•ืช, ืœืื‘ืœ ืฉืœื™ ื•ืœื›ืื‘ ืฉืœื™.
04:05
It was a simple act
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ื–ื” ื”ื™ื” ืžืขืฉื” ืคืฉื•ื˜,
04:07
but nothing short of a revolution for me.
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ืื‘ืœ ืœื ืคื—ื•ืช ืžืžื”ืคื™ื›ื” ืขื‘ื•ืจื™.
04:11
It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook
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ื–ืืช ื”ื™ื™ืชื” ืžื”ืคื›ื” ืฉื”ื—ืœื” ื‘ืžื—ื‘ืจืช ื”ืจื™ืงื” ื”ื–ื•,
04:15
30 years ago
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ืœืคื ื™ 30 ืฉื ื”,
04:17
that shaped my life's work.
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ืฉืขื™ืฆื‘ื” ืืช ืขื‘ื•ื“ืช ื—ื™ื™.
04:20
The secret, silent correspondence with myself.
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ื‘ื”ืชื›ืชื‘ื•ื™ื•ืช ื”ืกืžื•ื™ื•ืช ืขื ืขืฆืžื™,
04:24
Like a gymnast,
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ื›ืžื• ืžืชืขืžืœืช,
04:25
I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial
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ื”ื—ืœืชื™ ืœื ื•ืข ืžืขื‘ืจ ืœื ื•ืงืฉื•ืช ืฉืœ ื”ื”ื›ื—ืฉื”
04:30
into what I've now come to call
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ืืœ ืžื” ืฉื”ื—ืœืชื™ ืœืงืจื•ื ืœื•
04:32
emotional agility.
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"ื’ืžื™ืฉื•ืช ืจื’ืฉื™ืช."
04:38
Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.
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ื™ื•ืคื™ ื”ื—ื™ื™ื ืœื ื ื™ืชืŸ ืœื”ืคืจื“ื” ืžืฉื‘ื™ืจื™ืจื™ื•ืชื•.
ื™ื•ืคื™ ื”ื—ื™ื™ื ืœื ื ื™ืชืŸ ืœื”ืคืจื“ื” ืžืฉื‘ื™ืจื™ืจื™ื•ืชื•.
04:43
We are young until we are not.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืฆืขื™ืจื™ื ืขื“ ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ื›ื‘ืจ ืœื.
04:45
We walk down the streets sexy
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ืื ื—ื ื• ื”ื•ืœื›ื™ื ื‘ืจื—ื•ื‘ื•ืช ืกืงืกื™ื™ื
04:47
until one day we realize that we are unseen.
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ืขื“ ืฉื™ื•ื ืื—ื“ ืื ื• ืžื’ืœื™ื ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ื‘ืœืชื™ ื ืจืื™ื
04:53
We nag our children and one day realize
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ืื ื• ืžื ื“ื ื“ื™ื ืœื™ืœื“ื™ื ื• ื•ื™ื•ื ืื—ื“ ืื ื• ืžื‘ื™ื ื™ื
04:55
that there is silence where that child once was,
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ืฉื™ืฉ ื“ืžืžื” ื”ื™ื›ืŸ ืฉื”ื™ืœื“ื” ื”ื–ื• ืฉื›ื ื”,
04:58
now making his or her way in the world.
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ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ืขื•ืฉื” ืืช ื“ืจื›ื” ื‘ืขื•ืœื.
05:01
We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ื‘ืจื™ืื™ื ืขื“ ืฉืื‘ื—ื ื” ืžื•ืจื™ื“ื” ืื•ืชื ื• ืœื‘ืจื›ื™ื™ื.
05:07
The only certainty is uncertainty,
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ื”ื•ื•ื“ืื•ืช ื”ื™ื—ื™ื“ื” ื”ื™ื ื—ื•ืกืจ ื”ื•ื•ื“ืื•ืช.
05:09
and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.
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ื•ืขื“ื™ื™ืŸ, ืื ื—ื ื• ืœื ืžื ื•ื•ื˜ื™ื ื‘ืžืฆื™ืื•ืช ื”ื–ื• ื‘ื”ืฆืœื—ื” ืื• ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ื‘ืช ืงื™ื™ืžื.
05:14
The World Health Organization tells us that depression
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ืืจื’ื•ืŸ ื”ื‘ืจื™ืื•ืช ื”ืขื•ืœืžื™ ืžืกืคืจ ืœื ื• ืฉื“ื™ื›ืื•ืŸ
05:17
is now the single leading cause of disability globally --
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ื”ื•ื ื”ื’ื•ืจื ื”ืขื•ืœืžื™ ื”ืžื•ื‘ื™ืœ ืœืœืงื•ืช.
05:21
outstripping cancer,
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ืžืขื‘ืจ ืœืกืจื˜ืŸ,
05:23
outstripping heart disease.
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ืžืขื‘ืจ ืœืžื—ืœื•ืช ืœื‘.
05:26
And at a time of greater complexity,
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ื•ื‘ื–ืžืŸ ืฉืœ ืžื•ืจื›ื‘ื•ืช ื”ื•ืœื›ืช ื•ื’ื•ื‘ืจืช,
05:30
unprecedented technological, political and economic change,
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ื•ืฉื™ื ื•ื™ื™ื ื˜ื›ื ื•ืœื•ื’ื™ื™ื, ืคื•ืœื™ื˜ื™ื™ื ื•ื›ืœื›ืœื™ื™ื, ื—ืกืจื™ ืชืงื“ื™ื,
05:34
we are seeing how people's tendency
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืจื•ืื™ื ืื™ืš ื ื˜ื™ื™ืช ื”ืื ืฉื™ื
05:36
is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.
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ื”ื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ ื•ื™ื•ืชืจ ืœื”ื™ื ืขืœ ืœืชื•ืš ืชื’ื•ื‘ื•ืช ืงืฉื™ื—ื•ืช ืœืจื’ืฉื•ืชื™ื”ื.
05:42
On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.
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ืžืฆื“ ืื—ื“, ืื ื• ืขืœื•ืœื™ื ืœื—ืฉื•ื‘ ื‘ืื•ื‘ืกืกื™ื‘ื™ื•ืช ืขืœ ืจื’ืฉื•ืชื™ื ื•,
05:46
Getting stuck inside our heads.
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ื ืชืงืขื™ื ื‘ืชื•ืš ืจืืฉื™ื ื•,
05:48
Hooked on being right.
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ืžื›ื•ืจื™ื ืœืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืฆื•ื“ืงื™ื,
05:51
Or victimized by our news feed.
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ืื• ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืงื•ืจื‘ื ื• ืฉืœ ื”ืคื™ื“ ืฉืœื ื•.
05:55
On the other, we might bottle our emotions,
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ืžืฆื“ ืฉื ื™, ืื ื• ืขืœื•ืœื™ื ืœืืคืกืŸ ืืช ืจื’ืฉื•ืชื™ื ื•,
05:57
pushing them aside
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ื“ื•ื—ืคื™ื ืื•ืชื ื”ืฆื™ื“ื”,
05:59
and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.
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ื•ืžืืคืฉืจื™ื ืจืง ืืช ืืœื• ืฉื ื—ืฉื‘ื™ื ืœื’ื™ื˜ื™ืžื™ื™ื.
06:04
In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,
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ื‘ืกืงืจ ืฉืขืจื›ืชื™ ืขื ืžืขืœ 70,000 ืื ืฉื™ื,
06:07
I found that a third of us --
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ืžืฆืืชื™ ืฉืฉืœื™ืฉ ืžืื™ืชื ื• --
06:09
a third --
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ืฉืœื™ืฉ --
06:11
either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"
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ืฉื•ืคื˜ื™ื ืืช ืขืฆืžื ื• ืขืœ ื”ืจื’ืฉืช "ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืจืขื™ื"
06:16
like sadness,
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ื›ืžื• ืขืฆื‘,
06:18
anger or even grief.
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ื›ืขืก ืื• ืืคื™ืœื• ืื‘ืœ,
06:22
Or actively try to push aside these feelings.
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ืื• ืžื ืกื™ื ืœื”ื“ื•ืฃ ืืช ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื”ืืœื•
06:27
We do this not only to ourselves,
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ืื ื• ืœื ืขื•ืฉื™ื ื–ืืช ืจืง ืœืขืฆืžื ื•
06:28
but also to people we love, like our children --
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ืืœื ื’ื ืœืื ืฉื™ื ืฉืื ื• ืื•ื”ื‘ื™ื, ื›ืžื• ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•.
06:31
we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,
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ืžื‘ืœื™ ืœื”ืชื›ื•ื•ืŸ, ืื ื• ืขืœื•ืœื™ื ืœื‘ื™ื™ืฉ ืื•ืชื ืžืœื”ืจื’ื™ืฉ ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉื ืชืคืกื™ื ื›"ืจืขื™ื,"
06:35
jump to a solution,
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ืงื•ืคืฆื™ื ืœืคืชืจื•ืŸ
06:37
and fail to help them
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ื•ื ื›ืฉืœื™ื ื‘ืœืขื–ื•ืจ ืœื”ื
06:39
to see these emotions as inherently valuable.
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ืœืจืื•ืช ืืช ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื”ืืœื• ื›ื‘ืขืœื™ ืขืจืš ื™ืกื•ื“ื™.
06:45
Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.
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ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื ื•ืจืžืœื™ื ื•ื˜ื‘ืขื™ื™ื ื ืชืคืกื™ื ื›"ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื" ืื• "ืจืขื™ื".
06:52
And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.
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ื•ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™, ื ื”ื™ื” ืชืฆื•ืจื” ื—ื“ืฉื” ืฉืœ ืชืงื™ื ื•ืช ืžื•ืกืจื™ืช.
06:59
People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.
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ืœืื ืฉื™ื ืขื ืกืจื˜ืŸ ื ืืžืจ, ืคืฉื•ื˜ ืชื™ืฉืืจื• ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ื™ื.
07:06
Women, to stop being so angry.
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ืœื ืฉื™ื, ืชืคืกื™ืงื• ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื›ืขื•ืกื•ืช.
07:11
And the list goes on.
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ื•ื”ืจืฉื™ืžื” ืขื•ื“ ืืจื•ื›ื”.
07:14
It's a tyranny.
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ื–ื• ืขืจื™ืฆื•ืช.
07:16
It's a tyranny of positivity.
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ื–ื• ืขืจื™ืฆื•ืช ืฉืœ ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช.
07:20
And it's cruel.
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ื•ื–ื” ืื›ื–ืจื™.
07:23
Unkind.
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ืœื ื”ื•ืžื ื™.
07:25
And ineffective.
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ื•ืœื ื™ืขื™ืœ.
07:27
And we do it to ourselves,
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ื•ืื ื—ื ื• ืขื•ืฉื™ื ื–ืืช ืœืขืฆืžื ื•,
07:30
and we do it to others.
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ื•ืื ื—ื ื• ืขื•ืฉื™ื ื–ืืช ืœืื—ืจื™ื.
07:33
If there's one common feature
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ืื ื™ืฉ ืžืืคื™ื™ืŸ ืžืฉื•ืชืฃ ืื—ื“
07:36
of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:
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ืœื—ืฉื™ื‘ื” ืื•ื‘ืกืกื™ืกื™ืช, ื”ื“ื—ืงื” ืื• ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ืฉืงืจื™ืช, ื”ื•ื ื–ื”:
07:40
they are all rigid responses.
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ื”ื ื›ื•ืœื ืชื’ื•ื‘ื•ืช ื ื•ืงืฉื•ืช.
07:44
And if there's a single lesson we can learn
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ื•ืื ื™ืฉ ืฉื™ืขื•ืจ ืื—ื“ ืฉืื ื• ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœืœืžื•ื“
07:46
from the inevitable fall of apartheid
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ืžื”ื ืคื™ืœื” ื”ื‘ืœืชื™ ื ืžื ืขืช ืฉืœ ืžืฉื˜ืจ ื”ืืคืจื˜ื”ื™ื™ื“,
07:49
it is that rigid denial doesn't work.
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ื–ื” ืฉื”ื“ื—ืงื” ื ื•ืงืฉื” ืœื ืขื•ื‘ื“ืช.
07:53
It's unsustainable.
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ื”ื™ื ืœื ื‘ืจืช-ืงื™ื™ืžื.
07:55
For individuals, for families,
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ืœืื ืฉื™ื, ืœืžืฉืคื—ื•ืช.
07:58
for societies.
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ืœืงื”ื™ืœื•ืช.
08:00
And as we watch the ice caps melt,
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ื•ื›ืฉืื ื• ืจื•ืื™ื ืืช ื”ืงืจื—ื•ื ื™ื ื ืžืกื™ื,
08:04
it is unsustainable for our planet.
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ื”ื™ื ืœื ื‘ืจืช-ืงื™ื™ืžื ืœื›ื“ื•ืจ ื”ืืจืฅ.
08:09
Research on emotional suppression shows
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ืžื—ืงืจื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื“ื—ืงื” ืจื’ืฉื™ืช ืžืจืื™ื
08:11
that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,
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ืฉื›ืฉืžื“ื—ื™ืงื™ื ืื• ืžืชืขืœืžื™ื ืžืจื’ืฉื•ืช
08:14
they get stronger.
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ื”ื ืžืชืขืฆืžื™ื.
08:16
Psychologists call this amplification.
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ืคืกื™ื›ื•ืœื•ื’ื™ื ืงื•ืจืื™ื ืœื–ื” "ื”ื’ื‘ืจื”."
08:18
Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --
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ื›ืžื• ืขื•ื’ืช ื”ืฉื•ืงื•ืœื“ ื”ื˜ืขื™ืžื” ื‘ืžืงืจืจ
08:23
the more you try to ignore it ...
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ื›ื›ืœ ืฉืชื ืกื• ืœื”ืชืขืœื ืžืžื ื” ...
08:26
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
08:30
the greater its hold on you.
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ื›ืš ื”ืื—ื™ื–ื” ืฉืœื” ืขืœื™ื™ื›ื ื’ื“ื•ืœื” ื™ื•ืชืจ.
08:34
You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,
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ืืชื ืื•ืœื™ ื—ื•ืฉื‘ื™ื ืฉืืชื ื‘ืฉืœื™ื˜ื” ืขืœ ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื‘ืœืชื™ ืจืฆื•ื™ื™ื ื›ืฉืืชื ืžืชืขืœื™ื ืžื”ื,
08:38
but in fact they control you.
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ืื‘ืœ, ื‘ืขืฆื, ื”ื ืฉื•ืœื˜ื™ื ื‘ื›ื.
08:42
Internal pain always comes out.
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ื›ืื‘ ืคื ื™ืžื™ ืชืžื™ื“ ื™ื•ืฆื.
08:45
Always.
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ืชืžื™ื“.
08:46
And who pays the price?
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ื•ืžื™ ืžืฉืœื ืืช ื”ืžื—ื™ืจ?
08:49
We do.
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ืื ื—ื ื•.
08:50
Our children,
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ื”ื™ืœื“ื™ื ืฉืœื ื•.
08:52
our colleagues,
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ื”ืขืžื™ืชื™ื ืฉืœื ื•.
08:55
our communities.
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ื”ืงื”ื™ืœื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•.
09:01
Now, don't get me wrong.
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ืขื›ืฉื™ื•, ืืœ ืชื‘ื™ื ื• ืื•ืชื™ ืœื ื ื›ื•ืŸ.
09:03
I'm not anti-happiness.
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ืื ื™ ืœื ื ื’ื“ ืื•ืฉืจ.
09:06
I like being happy.
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ืื ื™ ืื•ื”ื‘ืช ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืžืื•ืฉืจืช.
09:07
I'm a pretty happy person.
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ืื ื™ ืื™ืฉื” ื“ื™ ืžืื•ืฉืจืช.
09:10
But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,
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ืื‘ืœ, ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžื“ื—ื™ืงื™ื ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื ื•ืจืžืœื™ื™ื ื‘ื›ื“ื™ ืœื—ื‘ืง ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ืฉืงืจื™ืช,
09:15
we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,
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ืื ื• ืžืื‘ื“ื™ื ืืช ื”ื™ื›ื•ืœืช ืœืคืชื— ื›ื™ืฉื•ืจื™ื ื‘ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืชืžื•ื“ื“ ืขื ื”ืขื•ืœื ื›ืคื™ ืฉื”ื•ื,
09:22
not as we wish it to be.
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ืœื ื›ืคื™ ืฉื”ื™ื™ื ื• ืจื•ืฆื™ื ืฉื”ื•ื ื™ื”ื™ื”.
09:24
I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.
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ืคื’ืฉืชื™ ืžืื•ืช ืื ืฉื™ื ืฉืืžืจื• ืœื™ ืžื” ื”ื ืœื ืจื•ืฆื™ื ืœื”ืจื’ื™ืฉ.
09:29
They say things like,
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ื”ื ืื•ืžืจื™ื ื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื›ืžื•,
09:30
"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."
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"ืื ื™ ืœื ืจื•ืฆื” ืœื ืกื•ืช ื‘ื’ืœืœ ืฉืื ื™ ืœื ืจื•ืฆื” ืœื”ืชืื›ื–ื‘."
09:35
Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."
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ืื•, "ืื ื™ ืจืง ืจื•ืฆื” ืฉื”ื”ืจื’ืฉื” ื”ื–ื• ืชืขื‘ื•ืจ"
09:41
"I understand," I say to them.
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"ืื ื™ ืžื‘ื™ื ื”", ืื ื™ ืื•ืžืจืช ืœื”ื.
09:44
"But you have dead people's goals."
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"ืื‘ืœ ื™ืฉ ืœื›ื ืžื˜ืจื•ืช ืฉืœ ืื ืฉื™ื ืžืชื™ื"
09:47
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
09:52
(Applause)
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(ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
09:58
Only dead people
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ืจืง ืื ืฉื™ื ืžืชื™ื
10:00
never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.
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ืœืขื•ืœื ืœื ื—ื•ื•ื™ื ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืœื ืจืฆื•ื™ื™ื ืื• ืœื ื ื•ื—ื™ื
10:04
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
10:05
Only dead people never get stressed,
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ืจืง ืื ืฉื™ื ืžืชื™ื ืœืขื•ืœื ืœื ื ืœื—ืฆื™ื,
10:09
never get broken hearts,
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ืœืขื•ืœื ืœื ื—ื•ื•ื™ื ืฉื‘ืจื•ืŸ ืœื‘,
10:11
never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.
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ืœืขื•ืœื ืœื ื—ื•ื•ื™ื ืืช ื”ืื›ื–ื‘ื” ืฉืžื’ื™ืขื” ืขื ื›ื™ืฉืœื•ืŸ.
10:17
Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.
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ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืงืฉื™ื ื”ื ื—ืœืง ืžื”ื—ื•ื–ื” ืฉืœื ื• ืขื ื”ื—ื™ื™ื.
10:21
You don't get to have a meaningful career
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ืืชื ืœื ืชื•ื›ืœื• ืœืขื‘ื•ื“ ื‘ืงืจื™ื™ืจื” ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื™ืช
10:24
or raise a family
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ืื• ืœื’ื“ืœ ืžืฉืคื—ื”
10:26
or leave the world a better place
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ืื• ืœื”ืฉืื™ืจ ืืช ื”ืขื•ืœื ื˜ื•ื‘ ื™ื•ืชืจ
10:28
without stress and discomfort.
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ื‘ืœื™ ืžืชื— ื•ืื™ ื ื•ื—ื•ืช.
10:32
Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.
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ืื™ ื ื•ื—ื•ืช ื”ื™ื ืžื—ื™ืจ ื”ื›ื ื™ืกื” ืœื—ื™ื™ื ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื™ื™ื.
ืื™ ื ื•ื—ื•ืช ื”ื™ื ืžื—ื™ืจ ื”ื›ื ื™ืกื” ืœื—ื™ื™ื ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื™ื™ื.
10:39
So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity
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ืื–, ืื™ืš ืื ื• ืžืชื—ื™ืœื™ื ืœืคืจืง ื ื•ืงืฉื•ืช
10:42
and embrace emotional agility?
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ื•ืžืชื—ื™ืœื™ื ืœื—ื‘ืง ื’ืžื™ืฉื•ืช ืจื’ืฉื™ืช?
10:45
As that young schoolgirl,
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ื›ื™ืœื“ื” ื”ื–ื• ื‘ื‘ื™ืช ื”ืกืคืจ,
10:47
when I leaned into those blank pages,
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ื›ืฉืœืžื“ืชื™ ืœื”ืชืžืกืจ ืœื“ืคื™ื ื”ืจื™ืงื™ื ื”ืืœื•,
10:50
I started to do away with feelings
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ื”ืชื—ืœืชื™ ืœื”ืฉืชื—ืจืจ ืžืจื’ืฉื•ืช
10:53
of what I should be experiencing.
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ืฉืœ ืžื” ืฉืื ื™ ืืžื•ืจื” ืœื—ื•ื•ืช.
10:57
And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.
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ื•ื‘ืžืงื•ื, ื”ืชื—ืœืชื™ ืœืคืชื•ื— ืืช ื”ืœื‘ ืฉืœื™ ืœืžื” ืฉื‘ืืžืช ื”ืจื’ืฉืชื™.
11:01
Pain.
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ื›ืื‘.
11:02
And grief.
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ื•ืื‘ืœ.
11:04
And loss.
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ื•ืื•ื‘ื“ืŸ.
11:06
And regret.
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ื•ื—ืจื˜ื”.
11:09
Research now shows
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ืžื—ืงืจื™ื ืขื›ืฉื™ื• ืžืจืื™ื
11:12
that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --
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ืฉื”ืงื‘ืœื” ื”ืงื™ืฆื•ื ื™ืช ืฉืœ ื›ืœ ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื• --
11:15
even the messy, difficult ones --
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ื’ื ืืœื• ื”ืžื‘ื•ืœื’ื ื™ื ื•ื”ืงืฉื™ื ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ --
11:17
is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,
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ื”ื™ื ืื‘ืŸ ื”ืคื™ื ื” ืœื—ื•ืกืŸ ื ืคืฉื™, ืœืฉื’ืฉื•ื’
11:20
and true, authentic happiness.
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ื•ืœืื•ืฉืจ ืืžื™ืชื™ ื•ืื•ืชื ื˜ื™.
11:25
But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.
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ืื‘ืœ, ื’ืžื™ืฉื•ืช ืจื’ืฉื™ืช ื”ื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ ืžืืฉืจ ืงื‘ืœื” ืฉืœ ืจื’ืฉื•ืช.
11:30
We also know that accuracy matters.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ื™ื•ื“ืขื™ื ืฉื’ื ื“ื™ื•ืง ื—ืฉื•ื‘.
[ืงื‘ืœื” ื•ื“ื™ื•ืง]
11:33
In my own research, I found that words are essential.
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ื‘ืžื—ืงืจ ืฉืœื™, ืžืฆืืชื™ ืฉืžื™ืœื™ื ื”ืŸ ื—ื™ื•ื ื™ื•ืช
11:37
We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.
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ืœืขืชื™ื ืจื‘ื•ืช ืื ื• ืžืฉืชืžืฉื™ื ื‘ืชื•ื•ื™ื•ืช ืžื”ื™ืจื•ืช ื•ืงืœื•ืช ืœืชืืจ ืืช ืจื’ืฉื•ืชื™ื ื•.
11:40
"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.
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"ืื ื™ ืžืชื•ื—ื”" ื”ื™ื ื”ืชื•ื•ื™ืช ื”ื›ื™ ื ืคื•ืฆื” ืฉืื ื™ ืฉื•ืžืขืช.
11:43
But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment
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ืื‘ืœ ื™ืฉ ื”ื‘ื“ืœ ืขืฆื•ื ื‘ื™ืŸ ืžืชื— ืœืื›ื–ื‘ื”
11:46
or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."
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ืื• ื‘ื™ืŸ ืžืชื— ืœื—ืจื“ื” ื‘ื™ื“ื™ืขื” ืฉ"ืื ื™ ื‘ืงืจื™ื™ืจื” ื”ืœื ื ื›ื•ื ื”".
11:51
When we label our emotions accurately,
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ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžืชื™ื™ื’ื™ื ืืช ืจื’ืฉื•ืชื™ื ื• ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ืžื“ื•ื™ื™ืงืช
11:53
we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ืžืกื•ื’ืœื™ื ื™ื•ืชืจ ืœื”ื‘ื—ื™ืŸ ื‘ื’ื•ืจื ื”ืžื“ื•ื™ื™ืง ืœืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•.
11:57
And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain
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ื•ืžื” ืฉืžื“ืขื ื™ื ืงื•ืจืื™ื "ื”ืžื•ื›ื ื•ืช ื”ืคื•ื˜ื ืฆื™ืืœื™ืช" ื‘ืžื— ืฉืœื ื•
12:00
is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.
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ืžื•ืคืขืœืช, ื•ืžืืคืฉืจืช ืœื ื• ืœืงื—ืช ืฆืขื“ื™ื ืžื•ื—ืฉื™ื™ื.
12:04
But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.
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ืื‘ืœ ืœื ืกืชื ืฆืขื“ื™ื -- ื”ืฆืขื“ื™ื ื”ื ื›ื•ื ื™ื ืขื‘ื•ืจื™ื ื•.
12:07
Because our emotions are data.
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ืžื›ื™ื•ื•ืŸ ืฉื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื• ื”ื ื ืชื•ื ื™ื,
ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื”ื ื ืชื•ื ื™ื
12:10
Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.
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ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื• ืžื›ื™ืœื™ื ื ื•ืจื•ืช ื”ื›ื•ื•ื ื” ืœื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื”ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื™ื™ื ืขื‘ื•ืจื™ื ื•.
12:14
We tend not to feel strong emotion
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ืื ื• ื ื•ื˜ื™ื ืœื ืœื”ืจื’ื™ืฉ ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื—ื–ืงื™ื
12:17
to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.
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ืœื“ื‘ืจื™ื ืœื ืžืฉืžืขื•ืชื™ื™ื ื‘ืขื•ืœืžื™ื ื•.
12:22
If you feel rage when you read the news,
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ืื ืืชื ืžืจื’ื™ืฉื™ื ื–ืขื ื›ืฉืืชื ืงื•ืจืื™ื ืขื™ืชื•ืŸ
12:24
that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --
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ื”ื–ืขื ื”ื–ื” ื”ื•ื ืชืžืจื•ืจ, ืฉืื•ืœื™ ืืชื ืžืขืจื™ื›ื™ื ืฉื™ื•ื•ื™ื•ืŸ ื•ื”ื•ื’ื ื•ืช --
12:29
and an opportunity to take active steps
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ื•ื”ื–ื“ืžื ื•ืช ืœืงื—ืช ืฆืขื“ื™ื™ื ืžื›ื•ื•ื ื™ื
12:31
to shape your life in that direction.
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ืœืขืฆื‘ ืืช ื—ื™ื™ื›ื ื‘ื›ื™ื•ื•ืŸ ื”ื–ื”.
12:35
When we are open to the difficult emotions,
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ื›ืฉืื ื• ืคืชื•ื—ื™ื ืœืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื”ืงืฉื™ื,
12:37
we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.
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ืื ื• ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœื™ื™ืฆืจ ืชื’ื•ื‘ื•ืช ืฉืชื•ืืžื•ืช ืืช ืขืจื›ื™ื ื•.
12:41
But there's an important caveat.
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ืื‘ืœ ื™ืฉ ื›ื•ื›ื‘ื™ืช ื—ืฉื•ื‘ื”.
12:43
Emotions are data, they are not directives.
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ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื”ื ื ืชื•ื ื™ื, ืœื ื”ื•ืจืื•ืช
12:46
We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values
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ืื ื• ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœืจืื•ืช ืืช ื”ืขืจืš ืฉื‘ืจื’ืฉื•ืชื™ื ื•
12:49
without needing to listen to them.
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ืžื‘ืœื™ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื—ื™ื™ื‘ื™ื ืœื”ืงืฉื™ื‘ ืœื”ื.
12:52
Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --
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ื‘ื“ื™ื•ืง ื›ืคื™ ืฉืื ื™ ื™ื›ื•ืœื” ืœืจืื•ืช ืืช ื”ืขืจืš ื‘ืชืกื›ื•ืœ ืฉืœ ื‘ื ื™ ืขื ืื—ื•ืชื• ื”ืชื™ื ื•ืงืช --
12:58
but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away
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ืื‘ืœ ืœื ืœืงื‘ืœ ืืช ื”ืจืขื™ื•ืŸ ืฉืœื• ืฉื”ื•ื ื™ื›ื•ืœ ืœืชืช ืื•ืชื”
13:01
to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.
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ืœื–ืจ ื”ืจืืฉื•ืŸ ืฉื”ื•ื ืจื•ืื” ื‘ืงื ื™ื•ืŸ.
13:03
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
13:05
We own our emotions, they don't own us.
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ืื ื—ื ื• ื”ื‘ืขืœื™ื ืฉืœ ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•, ื”ื ืœื ื”ื‘ืขืœื™ื ืฉืœื ื•.
13:09
When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom
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ื›ืฉืื ื—ื ื• ืžืคื ื™ืžื™ื ืืช ื”ื”ื‘ื“ืœ ื‘ื™ืŸ ืื™ืš ืื ื™ ืžืจื’ื™ืฉื” ื‘ืจื•ื‘ ื—ื•ื›ืžืชื™
13:13
and what I do in a values-aligned action,
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ื•ืื™ื–ื• ืคืขื•ืœื” ืื ื™ ื‘ื•ื—ืจืช ืฉืชื•ืืžืช ืืช ืขืจื›ื™ื™,
13:17
we generate the pathway to our best selves
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ืื ื• ื™ื•ืฆืจื™ื ืืช ื”ื“ืจืš ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื”ื’ืจืกืื•ืช ื”ื›ื™ ื˜ื•ื‘ื•ืช ืฉืœ ืขืฆืžื ื•,
13:20
via our emotions.
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ื“ืจืš ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•.
13:24
So, what does this look like in practice?
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ืื–, ืื™ืš ื–ื” ื ืจืื” ื‘ืคื•ืขืœ?
13:28
When you feel a strong, tough emotion,
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ื›ืฉืืชื ืžืจื’ื™ืฉื™ื ืจื’ืฉ ื—ื–ืง ื•ืงืฉื”,
13:30
don't race for the emotional exits.
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ืืœ ืชืจื•ืฆื• ืœืขื‘ืจ ื™ืฆื™ืืช ื”ื—ื™ืจื•ื ื”ืจื’ืฉื™ืช.
13:33
Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.
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ืœืžื“ื• ืืช ืงื•ื•ื™ ื”ืžืชืืจ ืฉืœื•, ื”ื•ืคื™ืขื• ืœื™ื•ืžืŸ ืฉื‘ืœื‘ื›ื.
13:37
What is the emotion telling you?
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ืžื” ื”ืจื’ืฉ ืื•ืžืจ ืœื›ื?
13:41
And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."
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ื•ืชื ืกื• ืœื ืœื”ื’ื™ื“: "ืื ื™," ื›ืžื• "ืื ื™ ื›ื•ืขืก" ืื• "ืื ื™ ืขืฆื•ื‘."
13:45
When you say "I am"
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ื›ืฉืืชื ืื•ืžืจื™ื "ืื ื™,"
13:46
it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.
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ื–ื” ื’ื•ืจื ืœื›ื ืœื”ื™ืฉืžืข ื›ืื™ืœื• ืืชื ื”ืจื’ืฉ.
13:49
Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.
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ื›ืฉื‘ืขืฆื ืืชื ืืชื, ื•ื”ืจื’ืฉ ื”ื•ื ืžืงื•ืจ ืžื™ื“ืข.
13:52
Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:
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ื‘ืžืงื•ื, ื ืกื• ืœื”ื‘ื—ื™ืŸ ื‘ืจื’ืฉ ื›ืžื” ืฉื”ื•ื:
13:55
"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"
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"ืื ื™ ืžื‘ื—ื™ืŸ ืฉืื ื™ ืžืจื’ื™ืฉ ืขืฆื•ื‘"
13:56
or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."
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ืื• "ืื ื™ ืžื‘ื—ื™ืŸ ืฉืื ื™ ืžืจื’ื™ืฉ ื›ืขื•ืก."
14:00
These are essential skills for us,
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ืืœื• ื”ื ื›ื™ืฉื•ืจื™ื ื—ื™ื•ื ื™ื™ื ืœื ื•
14:02
our families, our communities.
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ืœืžืฉืคื—ื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•, ืœืงื”ื™ืœื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•.
14:04
They're also critical to the workplace.
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ื”ื ื’ื ื—ื™ื•ื ื™ื™ื ื‘ืžืงื•ื ื”ืขื‘ื•ื“ื”.
14:08
In my research,
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ื‘ืžื—ืงืจื™,
14:09
when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,
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ื›ืฉื‘ื—ื ืชื™ ืžื” ืขื•ื–ืจ ืœืื ืฉื™ื ืœื”ื‘ื™ื ืืช ืขืฆืžื ื‘ืฆื•ืจื” ื”ื˜ื•ื‘ื” ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ ืœืขื‘ื•ื“ื”,
14:12
I found a powerful key contributor:
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ืžืฆืืชื™ ืžืืคื™ื™ืŸ ืžืจื›ื–ื™:
14:14
individualized consideration.
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ื”ืชื—ืฉื‘ื•ืช ืื™ื ื“ื™ื‘ื™ื“ื•ืืœื™ืช.
14:17
When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,
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ื›ืฉืžืชืืคืฉืจ ืœืื ืฉื™ื ืœื—ื•ืฉ ืืช ื”ืืžืช ื”ืจื’ืฉื™ืช ืฉืœื”ื,
14:20
engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.
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ืžืขื•ืจื‘ื•ืช, ื™ืฆื™ืจืชื™ื•ืช ื•ื—ื“ืฉื ื•ืช ืžืฉื’ืฉื’ื™ื ื‘ืืจื’ื•ืŸ.
14:25
Diversity isn't just people,
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ืฉื•ื ื•ืช ื”ื™ื ืœื ืจืง ืื ืฉื™ื,
14:27
it's also what's inside people.
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ื”ื™ื ื’ื ืžื” ืฉื‘ืชื•ืš ื”ืื ืฉื™ื.
14:29
Including diversity of emotion.
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ื›ื•ืœืœ ืฉื•ื ื•ืช ืฉืœ ืจื’ืฉื•ืช.
14:34
The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,
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ื”ืื ืฉื™ื, ืืจื’ื•ื ื™ื, ืžืฉืคื—ื•ืช ื•ืงื”ื™ืœื•ืช ื”ื’ืžื™ืฉื™ื ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ ื•ื‘ืขืœื™ ื”ื—ื•ืกืŸ ื”ื›ื™ ื’ื“ื•ืœ,
14:38
organizations, families, communities
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14:40
are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.
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ื‘ื ื•ื™ื™ื ืขืœ ืคืชื™ื—ื•ืช ืœืจื’ืฉื•ืช ื”ื ื•ืจืžืœื™ื™ื ื•ื”ืื ื•ืฉื™ื™ื.
14:44
It's this that allows us to say,
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ื–ื”ื• ืžื” ืฉืžืืคืฉืจ ืœื ื• ืœืฉืื•ืœ,
14:46
"What is my emotion telling me?"
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"ืžื” ื”ืจื’ืฉ ื”ื–ื” ืื•ืžืจ ืœื™?"
14:48
"Which action will bring me towards my values?"
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"ืื™ื–ื• ืคืขื•ืœื” ืชืงืจื‘ ืื•ืชื™ ืœืขืจื›ื™ื ืฉืœื™"
14:51
"Which will take me away from my values?"
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"ืื™ื–ื• ืคืขื•ืœื” ืชืจื—ื™ืง ืื•ืชื™ ืžื”ืขืจื›ื™ื ืฉืœื™"
14:55
Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions
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ื’ืžื™ืฉื•ืช ืจื’ืฉื™ืช ื–ื• ื”ื™ื›ื•ืœืช ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ืขื ื”ืจื’ืฉื•ืช ืฉืœื›ื
14:59
with curiosity, compassion,
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ืขื ืกืงืจื ื•ืช, ื—ืžืœื”,
15:02
and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.
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ื•ื‘ืžื™ื•ื—ื“ ื”ืื•ืžืฅ ืœื‘ืฆืข ืคืขื•ืœื•ืช ืชื•ืืžื•ืช-ืขืจื›ื™ื.
15:07
When I was little,
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ื›ืฉื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ืงื˜ื ื”,
15:09
I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.
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ื”ื™ื™ืชื™ ืžืชืขื•ืจืจืช ื‘ืœื™ืœื•ืช ืžื‘ื•ืขืชืช ืžื”ืžื—ืฉื‘ื” ืขืœ ืžื•ื•ืช.
15:11
My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.
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ืื‘ื™ ื”ื™ื” ืžื ื—ื ืื•ืชื™ ืขื ืœื™ื˜ื•ืคื™ื ืจื›ื™ื ื•ื ืฉื™ืงื•ืช,
15:15
But he would never lie.
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ืื‘ืœ ื”ื•ื ืžืขื•ืœื ืœื ืฉื™ืงืจ.
15:18
"We all die, Susie," he would say.
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"ื›ื•ืœื ื• ืžืชื™ื, ืกื•ื–ื™," ื”ื•ื ื”ื™ื” ืื•ืžืจ.
15:21
"It's normal to be scared."
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"ื–ื” ื˜ื‘ืขื™ ืœืคื—ื“."
15:24
He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.
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ื”ื•ื ืœื ื ื™ืกื” ืœื”ืžืฆื™ื ื—ื•ืฆืฅ ื‘ื™ื ื™ ืœืžืฆื™ืื•ืช.
15:29
It took me a while to understand
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ืœืงื— ืœื™ ื–ืžืŸ-ืžื” ืœื”ื‘ื™ืŸ
15:30
the power of how he guided me through those nights.
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ืืช ื”ื›ื— ืฉืœ ืื™ืš ืฉื”ื•ื ื”ื™ื” ืžื“ืจื™ืš ืื•ืชื™ ื‘ืœื™ืœื•ืช ื”ืืœื•.
15:34
What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;
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ืžื” ืฉื”ื•ื ื”ืจืื” ืœื™ ื–ื” ืฉืื•ืžืฅ ื”ื•ื ืœื ื”ื™ืขื“ืจ ืคื—ื“;
15:39
courage is fear walking.
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ืื•ืžืฅ ื”ื•ื ืคื—ื“ ืžื”ืœืš.
15:44
Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,
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ืœื ื™ื“ืขื ื• ืฉืชื•ืš 10 ืฉื ื™ื ืงืฆืจื•ืช,
15:47
he would be gone.
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ื”ื•ื ื›ื‘ืจ ืœื ื™ื”ื™ื” ื‘ื—ื™ื™ื.
15:48
And that time for each of us is all too precious
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ื”ื–ืžืŸ ืฉืœ ื›ืœ ืื—ื“ ืžืื™ืชื ื• ื”ื•ื ื›ืœ ื›ืš ื™ืงืจ
15:51
and all too brief.
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ื•ื›ืœ ื›ืš ืงืฆืจ.
15:54
But when our moment comes
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ืื‘ืœ ื›ืฉื”ืจื’ืข ืฉืœื ื• ื™ื’ื™ืข
15:57
to face our fragility,
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ืœื”ืชืžื•ื“ื“ ืžื•ืœ ื”ืฉื‘ืจื™ืจื™ื•ืช ืฉืœื ื•,
15:59
in that ultimate time,
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ื‘ื–ืžืŸ ื”ืื—ืจื•ืŸ ื”ื–ื”,
16:01
it will ask us,
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ื”ื•ื ื™ืฉืืœ ืื•ืชื ื•,
16:03
"Are you agile?"
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"ื”ืื ืืช ื’ืžื™ืฉื”?"
16:05
"Are you agile?"
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"ื”ืื ืืชื” ื’ืžื™ืฉ?"
16:07
Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."
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ืชื ื• ืœืจื’ืข ื”ื–ื” ืœื”ื™ื•ืช "ื›ืŸ" ืžื”ื“ื”ื“.
16:12
A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.
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"ื›ืŸ" ืฉื ื•ืœื“ ืžืชื•ืš ื—ื™ื™ื ืฉืœืžื™ื ืฉืœ ื”ืชื›ืชื‘ื•ืช ืขื ื”ืœื‘ ืฉืœื›ื.
16:17
And in seeing yourself.
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ื•ืžืชื•ืš ืจืื™ื™ืช ืขืฆืžื›ื.
16:20
Because in seeing yourself,
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ื›ื™ ื›ืฉืืชื ืจื•ืื™ื ืืช ืขืฆืžื›ื,
16:23
you are also able to see others, too:
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ืืชื ื™ื›ื•ืœื™ื ืœืจืื•ืช ืื—ืจื™ื, ื’ื:
16:27
the only sustainable way forward
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ื–ื• ื”ื“ืจืš ื”ื™ื—ื™ื“ื” ื‘ืจืช-ืงื™ื™ืžื ืงื“ื™ืžื”
16:30
in a fragile, beautiful world.
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ื‘ืขื•ืœื ืฉื‘ื™ืจื™ืจื™ ื•ื™ืคื”ืคื”.
16:34
Sawubona.
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ืกึธืื•ึผื‘ื•ึนื ึทื”
16:36
And thank you.
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ื•ืชื•ื“ื” ืœื›ื.
16:37
(Laughter)
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(ืฆื—ื•ืง)
16:38
Thank you.
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ืชื•ื“ื” ืœื›ื.
16:39
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
16:42
Thank you.
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ืชื•ื“ื” ืœื›ื.
16:43
(Applause)
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(ืžื—ื™ืื•ืช ื›ืคื™ื™ื)
ืขืœ ืืชืจ ื–ื”

ืืชืจ ื–ื” ื™ืฆื™ื’ ื‘ืคื ื™ื›ื ืกืจื˜ื•ื ื™ YouTube ื”ืžื•ืขื™ืœื™ื ืœืœื™ืžื•ื“ ืื ื’ืœื™ืช. ืชื•ื›ืœื• ืœืจืื•ืช ืฉื™ืขื•ืจื™ ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื”ืžื•ืขื‘ืจื™ื ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืžื•ืจื™ื ืžื”ืฉื•ืจื” ื”ืจืืฉื•ื ื” ืžืจื—ื‘ื™ ื”ืขื•ืœื. ืœื—ืฅ ืคืขืžื™ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื‘ืื ื’ืœื™ืช ื”ืžื•ืฆื’ื•ืช ื‘ื›ืœ ื“ืฃ ื•ื™ื“ืื• ื›ื“ื™ ืœื”ืคืขื™ืœ ืืช ื”ืกืจื˜ื•ืŸ ืžืฉื. ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื™ื•ืช ื’ื•ืœืœื•ืช ื‘ืกื ื›ืจื•ืŸ ืขื ื”ืคืขืœืช ื”ื•ื•ื™ื“ืื•. ืื ื™ืฉ ืœืš ื”ืขืจื•ืช ืื• ื‘ืงืฉื•ืช, ืื ื ืฆื•ืจ ืื™ืชื ื• ืงืฉืจ ื‘ืืžืฆืขื•ืช ื˜ื•ืคืก ื™ืฆื™ืจืช ืงืฉืจ ื–ื”.

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