The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

譯者: Thomas Tam 審譯者: Yanyan Hong

Hello, everyone.

大家好。

Sawubona.

Sawubona。

In South Africa, where I come from,

我來自南非，

"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."

「sawubona」是祖魯語裏的 「你好」。

There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word

背後有一個有力而美麗的意圖。

because "sawubona" literally translated means,

因為「sawubona」字面翻譯是，

"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."

「我看到你，因為過見你， 我感受到彼此的存在。」

So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.

想像受到如此的歡迎是如此美麗。

But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?

但是，我們如何看待自己呢？

Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories

如何看待那些幫助我們

在這個日益複雜和焦慮的世界裡

that help us to thrive

in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

茁壯成長的想法、情緒和故事呢？

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.

這個至關重要的問題 是我一生工作的核心。

Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.

因為我們如何處理內心世界 會驅動著我們的一切。

Every aspect of how we love, how we live,

我們的一切所愛、如何生活、

how we parent and how we lead.

如何為人父母，及怎樣率領他人。

The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,

傳統的觀點認為情緒有好有壞，

positive or negative,

有正面有負面，

is rigid.

看似死板。

And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.

以僵化的態度面對 錯綜複雜的問題是有害的。

We need greater levels of emotional agility

我們需要更大限度的情感靈活性

for true resilience and thriving.

來支持生命的韌性和茁壯成長。

My journey with this calling

我的使命

began not in the hallowed halls of a university,

不源於神聖的大學殿堂，

but in the messy, tender business of life.

卻紮根在雜亂與溫柔的生活中。

I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,

我在南非種族隔離時期的 白人郊區長大，

a country and community committed to not seeing.

一個常常被忽視、

被否認的國家和社區。

To denial.

It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible

這個否認，使 50 年後的 種族主義立法成為可能，

while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

而人們卻相信自己沒有做錯任何事。

And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial

然而，我第一次真切體會到

被否認的破壞力，

at a personal level,

before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

遠在我明白自己出生的國家 正在發生什麼事之前。

My father died on a Friday.

我父親在一個星期五去世了。

He was 42 years old and I was 15.

當時他 42 歲，而我 15 歲。

My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father

在返校前，母親低聲對我說，

去和妳的父親最後道個別吧。

before I went to school.

So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through

於是我把背包放下，走過一條通道，

to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.

去到屋的中心， 那裡躺著因癌症而病危的父親。

His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.

他的眼睛雖然閉上， 但他知道我在那裡。

In his presence, I had always felt seen.

在他面前，我總可感覺到被看見。

I told him I loved him,

我告訴他我愛他，

said goodbye and headed off for my day.

說完再見，開始了新的一天。

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,

當父親從世界上溜走的時候，

我在學校裡，從科學學到數學， 從歷史學到生物，

as my father slipped from the world.

From May to July to September to November,

從五月過到七月， 七月過到九月，九月再到十一月，

I went about with my usual smile.

我都是帶著平常的笑容渡過。

I didn't drop a single grade.

與之前沒有什麽大的分別。

When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."

當我被問到最近怎麼樣時， 我會聳聳肩說：「我很好。」

I was praised for being strong.

我的堅強受到表揚。

I was the master of being OK.

我太善於假裝「我很好」了。

但回到家裡， 我們就得掙扎維持生計。

But back home, we struggled --

my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going

在爸爸生病的期間，

他無法一直維持他的小生意。

during his illness.

And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life

母親因失去了生命中的 愛人而悲痛萬分，

因為往後只靠她一個人了，

trying to raise three children,

還要設法撫養三個孩子，

and the creditors were knocking.

而且債權人還追上門來。

We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.

我們的家庭遇上了 經濟和情感的災劫。

And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.

我開始飛速地墜落深淵和感到孤立。

I started to use food to numb my pain.

開始用食物來麻醉自己的痛苦。

Binging and purging.

用暴飲暴食來淨化內心。

Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.

拒絕接受沈重的悲痛。

No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,

在一種鼓吹無情文化的社會中， 沒有人想知道我的故事，

I thought that no one wanted to know.

我以為真是沒有人想知道。

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.

但是有一個人， 並不相信我剛強的外表。

My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes

她是八年級的英語老師， 她用灼熱的藍眼睛盯著我

as she handed out blank notebooks.

拿出一本空白筆記本給我。

She said, "Write what you're feeling.

她說，「寫下你的感受。

Tell the truth.

要說實話。

Write like nobody's reading."

只寫給你自己看。」

And just like that,

就這樣，

I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.

我被邀請真實地 表達我的悲傷和痛苦。

It was a simple act

這是一個簡單的行為，

but nothing short of a revolution for me.

但對我來說卻是場革命。

It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook

自這本空白筆記本開始的革命，

30 years ago

始於 30 年前，

that shaped my life's work.

塑造了我一生的工作。

The secret, silent correspondence with myself.

隱密而無聲地自我溝通。

Like a gymnast,

就像體操運動員一樣，

I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial

我開始超越內心冰冷的痛苦，

into what I've now come to call

來到了我現在所要說的話題，

emotional agility.

那就是獲得擁有生命力的感情。

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

生命的美麗與脆弱連在一起。

我們還年輕， 終有一天我們不再年輕。

We are young until we are not.

We walk down the streets sexy

我們迷人地走在街道上，

until one day we realize that we are unseen.

終有一天， 我們意識到別人看不見我們。

We nag our children and one day realize

我們嘮叨著孩子，終有一天意識到

that there is silence where that child once was,

那個曾經沉默的孩子，

now making his or her way in the world.

現在正面向著世界。

We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.

我們是健康的， 直到被診斷出疾病而受挫。

The only certainty is uncertainty,

唯一的確定就是不確定，

and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

但是我們未能成功地、 永續地駕馭這種脆弱。

The World Health Organization tells us that depression

世界衛生組織告訴我們

is now the single leading cause of disability globally --

抑鬱症現在是全球 導致殘疾的主因之一，

outstripping cancer,

超過癌症，

outstripping heart disease.

也超過心臟病。

And at a time of greater complexity,

在更加複雜的時刻裡，

unprecedented technological, political and economic change,

在前所未有的技術、 政治和經濟的變化中，

we are seeing how people's tendency

我們看到人們傾向於

is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

强化嚴格控制情緒的反應。

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.

一方面，我們或許痴迷於我們的感情，

Getting stuck inside our heads.

執著於腦中，

Hooked on being right.

自以為總是正確的，

Or victimized by our news feed.

或者被某些新聞所傷害；

On the other, we might bottle our emotions,

另一方面，或許 我們把情緒推到一邊，

pushing them aside

and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

只表現出那些看似正常的情緒。

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,

在最近與七萬多人進行的調查中，

I found that a third of us --

我發現我們當中三分之一的人，

a third --

有三分之一的人，

either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"

認為自己有所謂的「壞情緒」，

like sadness,

像心情糟糕、

anger or even grief.

憤怒甚至悲傷；

Or actively try to push aside these feelings.

或者主動推開這些感覺。

我們不僅對自己這樣做，

We do this not only to ourselves,

but also to people we love, like our children --

也對我們所愛的人做， 像對我們的孩子，

we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,

我們可能在無意中羞辱他們， 將他們的情緒視為負面的，

jump to a solution,

急切地跳入解決，

and fail to help them

而沒幫助他們體認到

to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

這些情緒本身的價值。

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.

正常而自然的情緒 現在被分為好的和壞的。

And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.

道德正確的新形式是積極的態度。

People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.

癌症患者被自動要求 應該要保持積極的態度。

Women, to stop being so angry.

女人被要求別那麼生氣。

And the list goes on.

例子實在是不勝枚舉。

It's a tyranny.

這是一種暴政。

It's a tyranny of positivity.

這是一種正面的暴政。

And it's cruel.

是殘酷的、

Unkind.

刻薄的，

And ineffective.

而且效果不佳。

And we do it to ourselves,

我們約束我們的情緒，

and we do it to others.

和我們約束別人的情緒。

If there's one common feature

倘若憂鬱、禁閉 和虛假的正面有個共通點，

of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:

那就是

they are all rigid responses.

它們都是僵化的回應。

And if there's a single lesson we can learn

如果我們從種族隔離政策 無可避免的崩潰能學到一個教訓，

from the inevitable fall of apartheid

it is that rigid denial doesn't work.

那就是死板的否認起不了作用。

It's unsustainable.

那是不可持續的，

For individuals, for families,

對於個人、家庭，

for societies.

及社會都如此。

And as we watch the ice caps melt,

我們看到冰蓋的融化

it is unsustainable for our planet.

對這個星球來說是不可持續的。

Research on emotional suppression shows

抑制情緒的研究表明

that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,

當情緒被推到一邊或被忽視時，

they get stronger.

就變得更頑強。

Psychologists call this amplification.

心理學家將這種放大效應

Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --

看作像是放在冰箱裡的 美味巧克力蛋糕，

the more you try to ignore it ...

你越試圖忽略它..…

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

the greater its hold on you.

饞嘴的你就更加忍不住。

You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,

你可能會認為， 要控制情緒，忽略它就可以了，

but in fact they control you.

但實際上它們會控制著你。

Internal pain always comes out.

內部的痛苦總要釋放出來。

Always.

總是。

And who pays the price?

誰要付出代價？

We do.

我們付代價，

Our children,

我們的孩子付，

our colleagues,

我們的同事付，

our communities.

我們的社區也付。

Now, don't get me wrong.

不要誤解我的意思，

I'm not anti-happiness.

我不反對幸福快樂，

I like being happy.

反而喜歡快樂。

I'm a pretty happy person.

我是一個非常開心的人。

But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,

但當我們拋棄正常的情緒 擁抱錯誤的積極性時，

we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,

我們就失去培養應對技能 來處理現今這樣的世界事務，

not as we wish it to be.

不是我們所希望的世界那樣。

I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.

有數以百計的人告訴我 他們不想要什麼樣的感覺。

They say things like,

他們這樣說：

"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."

「我不想嘗試， 因為我不想感到失望。」

Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

或者「我只想讓失望的感覺消失。」

"I understand," I say to them.

我對他們說：「我明白，」

"But you have dead people's goals."

「但是你的目標也是死人們的。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Only dead people

只有死去的人

never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

永遠不會感受到不必要或不便。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Only dead people never get stressed,

只有死去的人才會沒有壓力，

never get broken hearts,

永遠不會傷心，

never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

永遠不會面對失敗帶來的失望。

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.

情緒的困擾是 我們與生活契約的一部分。

You don't get to have a meaningful career

沒有一個有意義的職業、

or raise a family

養家糊口，

or leave the world a better place

或讓世界變得更美好

without stress and discomfort.

不需要面對壓力或苦惱。

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

苦惱是獲得生活意義的代價。

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity

那麼，我們如何消除頑固的本性

and embrace emotional agility?

並擁抱機敏的情感？

As that young schoolgirl,

作為那個年輕的女學生，

when I leaned into those blank pages,

當我靠近這些空白頁面時，

I started to do away with feelings

一開始我是為了擺脫我的感覺

of what I should be experiencing.

和我應該經歷的東西。

And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.

後來變成開始對自己 真正的感受打開心門。

Pain.

痛苦、

And grief.

悲傷、

And loss.

失敗，

And regret.

和遺憾。

Research now shows

目前的研究顯示，

that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --

唯有學會根本地接受 我們所有的情緒，

even the messy, difficult ones --

包括混亂、艱難的情緒，

is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,

才能重獲成長的基石，

and true, authentic happiness.

才能獲得真正的的幸福。

But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.

情感上的敏感性 不僅僅是單純接受情緒。

We also know that accuracy matters.

我們也知道準確性很重要。

In my own research, I found that words are essential.

在我自己的研究中， 我發現那是必不可少的。

We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.

我們經常用方便且簡單的標籤 來表達我們的感受。

"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

我最常聽到的是「我感覺壓力大」。

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment

但壓力和失望來自於不同的世界。

or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."

或因「我從事錯誤的職業」 而感受到恐懼和壓力。

When we label our emotions accurately,

當我們準確地識別我們的情緒時，

we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.

我們更能夠辨別出 造成我們感受的確切原因。

And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain

正如科學家們所說， 大腦中的準備潛力會被激活，

is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.

讓我們採取一些具體的步驟，

But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.

不是任意的步驟，而是正確的步驟。

Because our emotions are data.

因為我們的情緒是數據。

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.

我們的情緒包含著 我們關心事情的閃光。

We tend not to feel strong emotion

我們往往不會感到強烈的情緒，

to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.

當面對那些在我們的世界裡 沒有任何意義的東西時。

If you feel rage when you read the news,

如果你看新聞時感到憤怒，

that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --

那憤怒是一個路標，

或許你重視公平和公正，

and an opportunity to take active steps

它是指向可以採取一些積極的措施，

to shape your life in that direction.

能在那個方向塑造你的生活的機會。

When we are open to the difficult emotions,

當我們面對困難的情緒時，

we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

我們能夠產生與價值對等的回應。

But there's an important caveat.

但是有一個重要的警告。

Emotions are data, they are not directives.

情緒是數據，它們不是指令。

We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values

我們可以挖掘和顯示情感的價值

without needing to listen to them.

而不需要聽從它們。

Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --

就好像是我可以在我兒子

因為他的小妹妹而受挫時 出現並陪伴他，

but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away

但我不贊成他的想法，

把妹妹送給在商場看到的 第一個陌生人。

to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

We own our emotions, they don't own us.

我們是情緒的主人， 情緒不是我們的主人，

When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom

當我們的智慧與內在的感受調合，

and what I do in a values-aligned action,

我所做出的行動與價值觀一致時，

we generate the pathway to our best selves

我們創造了通往最佳自我的途徑，

via our emotions.

通過我們的情緒。

So, what does this look like in practice?

那麼，實踐生活是怎麼一回事？

When you feel a strong, tough emotion,

當你感到強烈和僵化的情緒時，

don't race for the emotional exits.

不要快速地為情感找出口。

Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.

先從心中的日記觸摸情感的輪廓。

What is the emotion telling you?

哪些是感情告訴你的？

And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."

盡量不要對「我很生氣」 或「我很傷心」回應「我就是」。

When you say "I am"

你說「我就是」

it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.

使你等同於情感一樣。

Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.

而你就是你，情感是一種數據來源。

Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:

而是試著注意它是什麼感覺：

"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"

「我注意到我感到難過」，

or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."

或者 「我注意到自己感到憤怒」。

These are essential skills for us,

對我們來說，這些是必備的技能，

our families, our communities.

對我們的家庭和社區，

They're also critical to the workplace.

對工作場所很重要。

In my research,

在我的研究中，

when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,

觀察人們如何展現最好的自我時，

I found a powerful key contributor:

我發現強大的關鍵在於

individualized consideration.

個性化的考量。

When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,

當人們被允許感受 自己的真實情感時，

engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.

參與度、創造性和新觀念 會在其中蓬勃發展。

Diversity isn't just people,

不單人類具有多樣性，

it's also what's inside people.

人的內裏也是，

Including diversity of emotion.

包括情感也多樣化。

The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,

最敏捷、具韌性的個人、團隊、

organizations, families, communities

組織、家庭和社區

are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.

建立在對人類正常開放的情感上。

It's this that allows us to say,

這讓我們能夠說：

"What is my emotion telling me?"

「我的情緒告訴了我什麼？」

"Which action will bring me towards my values?"

「哪一個行動會使我能達到 我的價值標準？」

"Which will take me away from my values?"

「哪一個行動會使我 偏離我的價值觀？」

Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions

情緒敏捷是指 能夠以好奇心、同情心，

with curiosity, compassion,

特別是勇於採取與價值相連的步驟

and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.

來表達自己的情感。

When I was little,

在我小時候，

I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.

晚上醒來會有害怕死亡的想法。

My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.

父親會輕輕拍著安慰我和親吻我。

But he would never lie.

但他絕不會說謊。

"We all die, Susie," he would say.

他會說：「蘇西，我們全都會死。」

"It's normal to be scared."

「害怕是很正常的。」

He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.

他並沒有試圖創造一個緩衝區， 在我的想法和現實之間。

It took me a while to understand

我花了好一段時間才能明白

the power of how he guided me through those nights.

他如何引導我度過 那些惶恐夜晚的力量。

What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;

他向我展示的是， 有勇氣並不是沒有恐懼，

courage is fear walking.

勇氣是在恐懼中行走。

Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,

我們都不知道在短短的十年時間裡

he would be gone.

他會死了。

And that time for each of us is all too precious

那個時候對我們 每個人來說都太珍貴、

and all too brief.

太短暫了。

But when our moment comes

但當我們的時刻到來時，

to face our fragility,

面對著我們的脆弱，

in that ultimate time,

在那最後的時刻，

it will ask us,

它會問我們：

"Are you agile?"

「你情感敏捷嗎？」

"Are you agile?"

「你情感敏捷嗎？」

Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."

讓你在這一刻 毫無保留地回答「是」。

A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.

與你自己的心 終生溝通而產生的「是」。

And in seeing yourself.

看你自己。

Because in seeing yourself,

因為透過看自己，

you are also able to see others, too:

你看到對別人亦然：

the only sustainable way forward

在脆弱而美麗的世界裡，

in a fragile, beautiful world.

情感敏捷是唯一可永續的途徑。

Sawubona.

Sawubona。

And thank you.

謝謝你。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）