I don't want children -- stop telling me I'll change my mind | Christen Reighter

Prevodilac: Mirjana Marinkovic Lektor: Tijana Mihajlović

I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early.

Prepoznala sam ulogu koja mi je bila dodeljena jako rano.

One persistent concept that I observed --

Uvek prisutni koncept koji sam primetila,

existing in our language, in our media --

a koji postoji u našem jeziku, u našim medijima

was that women are not only supposed to have children,

je bio to da žene ne samo da treba da imaju decu

they are supposed to want to.

nego treba to i da žele.

This existed everywhere.

Ovo je postojalo svugde -

It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me

u načinu na koji su mi se odrasli obraćali

when they posed questions in the context of "when."

kada su postavljali pitanja u kontekstu „kada“.

"When you get married ..."

„Kada se budeš udala...“

"When you have kids ..."

„Kada budeš imala decu...“

And these future musings were always presented to me

Ova buduća sanjarenja su mi bila predstavljana

like part of this American dream,

kao deo američkog sna,

but it always felt to me like someone else's dream.

ali mi se uvek činilo da je to bio san nekog drugog.

You see, a value that I have always understood about myself

Vidite, vrednost koju sam uvek razumela o sebi

was that I never wanted children.

je da nikada nisam želela decu.

And as a kid, when I would try to explain this,

Kao dete, kada bih pokušala da objasnim

this disconnect between their roles and my values,

tu prekinutu vezu između njihovih uloga i mojih vrednosti

they often laughed

oni su se često smejali

in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children.

onako kako to odrasli čine na dečje apsurdne izjave.

And they would tell me knowingly,

I govorili su mi puni znanja:

"You'll change your mind."

„Promenićeš mišljenje.“

And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life.

A ljudi su mi govorili takve stvari tokom celog mog života.

Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast.

Pristojni razgovori mogu da se pretvore u nametljive veoma brzo.

"Does your husband know?"

„Da li tvoj muž to zna?“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"Do your parents know?"

„Da li tvoji roditelji znaju?“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"Don't you want a family?"

„Zar ne želiš porodicu?“

"Don't you want to leave anything behind?"

„Zar ne želiš da ostaviš nešto iza sebe?“

And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness,

I glavna izjava u razgovorima o nemanju dece:

"That's selfish."

„To je sebično.“

There are countless reasons a woman may have

Ima nebrojeno mnogo razloga koje žena može imati

for choosing to abstain from motherhood,

da se odluči za suzdržavanje od materinstva,

the majority of them not self-prioritizing.

od kojih većina nije zbog davanja prioriteta samoj sebi.

But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such,

Ali, još uvek je društveno prihvaćeno javno napadati žene kao sebične

because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative.

jer nijedan od ovih razloga nije još uspeo da uđe u društvene kodove.

When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity,

Kada sam bila mala i učila o neizbežnosti materinstva

it was never explained to me

nikada mi nisu objasnili

the commonness of these factors that women consider,

uobičajenost faktora koje žene uzimaju u obzir,

like the risk of passing on hereditary illness,

kao što je rizik da se prenese neka nasledna bolest,

the danger of having to stop life-saving medication

opasnost od prestajanja sa terapijom od koje nam zavisi život tokom trudnoće,

for the duration of your pregnancy,

concern about overpopulation,

zabrinutost oko prenaseljenosti zemlje,

your access to resources,

dostupnost resursa

and the fact that there are 415,000 children

i činjenica da ima 415 000 dece

in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time.

u sistemu smeštaja u hraniteljsku porodicu u SAD u bilo kom momentu.

Reasons like these, many more,

Ovakvi i mnogi drugi razlozi,

and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance,

kao i činjenica da ne volim da stvari ovog kalibra prepustim slučaju

all informed my decision

uticali su na moju odluku

to become surgically sterilized.

da se podvrgnem hirurškoj sterilizaciji.

I began my research eagerly.

Poletno sam započela svoje istraživanje.

I wanted to fully understand

Želela sam razumeti u potpunosti

all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation,

sve što će se dogoditi kada se podvrgnem vezivanju jajovoda,

which is just another word for getting your tubes tied.

što je samo još jedan izraz za sterilizaciju.

I wanted to know approval to aftermath,

Želela sam znati sve, od odobravanja do rezultata,

satisfaction rates, risks, statistics.

procenat zadovoljnih, rizik, statistiku.

And at first, I was empowered.

Na početku sam se osećala osnaženo.

You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me,

Vidite, zbog načina na koji su mi uvek predstavljali društveni kod

I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare,

mislila sam da su žene koje ne žele decu veoma retke.

and then I learned one in five American women

A onda sam saznala da jedna od pet Amerikanki

won't be having a biological child --

neće imati biološko dete -

some by choice, some by chance.

neke jer su tako odlučile, a neke igrom slučaja.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

But I was not alone.

U svakom slučaju, nisam bila sama.

But the more I read, the more disheartened I became.

Ali, što sam više čitala, bila sam sve više obeshrabrena.

I read women's stories,

Čitala sam priče žena

trying desperately to get this procedure.

koje su očajnički pokušavale da se podvrgnu ovoj proceduri.

I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances

Shvatila sam koliko se često dešavalo da iscrpe svoje finansije

appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years,

zbog poseta mnogobrojnim ginekolozima tokom mnogo godina,

only to be turned down so many times,

samo da bi bile odbijene bezbroj puta,

often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up.

često sa tako očiglednim nepoštovanjem da su samo odustale.

Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending

Žene su rekle da su njihovi lekari bili često arogantni

and dismissive of their motivations,

i prezrivi prema njihovim razlozima

being told things like,

i da su im govorili stvari poput:

"Come back when you're married with a child."

„Vrati se kada budeš udata i sa detetom.“

But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure,

Međutim, ženama koje su imale decu

i koje su želele da se podvrgnu ovom zahvatu

were told they were too young,

je rečeno da su premlade

or they didn't have enough children,

ili da nisu imale dovoljno dece,

which is very interesting,

što je vrlo interesantno

because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were,

zato što su u mojoj državi uslovi za odobravanje ovog tipa operacije bili:

"Be at least 21 years old,"

„imati bar 21. godinu“,

"appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord,"

„biti zdravog razuma, delovati po sopstvenoj volji“

and "have a 30-day waiting period."

i „imati tridesetodnevni period čekanja“.

And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements

Bila sam zbunjena zato što sam uspela da ispunim sve te legalne zahteve,

and still have to face a battle in the exam room

a opet morala da se borim na lekarskom pregledu

for my bodily autonomy.

za autonomiju svoga tela.

And it was daunting,

I to je bilo obeshrabrujuće,

but I was determined.

ali bila sam rešena.

I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.

Sećam se da sam se obukla profesionalno za taj prvi sastanak.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I sat up straight.

Sedela sam pravo.

I spoke clearly.

Govorila jasno.

I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence

Želela sam da tom doktoru dam svaki dokaz

that I was not the date of birth in that file.

da nisam bila samo datum rođenja u tom zahtevu.

And I made sure to mention things like,

Potrudila sam se da spomenem stvari kao:

"I just got my bachelor's degree

„Upravo sam diplomirala na fakultetu

and I'm applying to these doctoral programs,

i prijavljujem se za doktorske studije.

I'm going to study these things."

Proučavaću ove stvari.“

And "my long-term partner has this kind of business,"

„Moj dugogodišnji partner ima ovaj biznis“

and "I've done research on this for months.

i: „Izučavala sam ovo mesecima.

I understand everything about it, all the risks."

Razumem sve o tome, sav rizik.“

Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim,

Zato što sam želela da doktor zna da to nije bio samo hir

not reactionary,

ili reakcija na nešto,

not your 20-something looking to go out and party

niti moje 20-godišnje ja koje bi želelo još da izlazi

without fear of getting knocked up ...

bez straha da zatrudni;

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

that this supported something integral to who I was.

da je ovo sastavni deo moje ličnosti.

And I understand informed consent,

Razumela sam da je potrebna saglasnost,

so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ...

tako da sam očekivala da mi ponovo objasne kako sve funkcioniše, ali...

At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd,

U nekom momentu, informacije koju su mi dali

su počele da zvuče programirano,

interlaced with bias and inflated statistics.

pomešane sa predrasudama i nadutim statistikama.

The questions began to feel interrogative.

Pitanja su počela da zvuče kao ispitivanje.

At first they were asking me questions

Na početku su mi postavljali pitanja

that seemed to understand my situation better,

i zvučalo je kao da žele da bolje razumeju moju situaciju,

and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up.

a onda je izgledalo kao da mi postavljaju pitanja da me pokolebaju.

I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.

Osećala sam se kao svedok koga naizmenično ispituju.

The doctor asked me about my partner.

Doktor me je ispitivao o partneru.

"How does he or she feel about all of this?"

„Kako se on ili ona oseća povodom ovoga?“

"Well, I've been with the same man for five years,

„Zabavljam se sa istim čovekom već pet godina

and he fully supports any decision I make for my body."

i on potpuno podržava sve odluke koje donesem o svom telu.“

And he said, "Well, what happens in the future,

A on je rekao: „Šta će se dogoditi u budućnosti

if you change partners?

ako promenite partnera?

What happens when that person wants children?"

Šta će se dogoditi ako ta osoba želi decu?“

And I didn't quite know how to react to that,

Nisam zaista znala kako da odreagujem na to

because what I was hearing

jer sam slušala ovog doktora da govori

was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe

kako treba da zanemarim sve ono u šta verujem

if a partner demands children.

ako partner zahteva decu.

So I told him not to worry about that.

Tako sam mu rekla da ne brine o tome.

My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.

Moje stav prema rađanju je uvek bila moja tema na prvom sastanku.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Cheering)

(Uzvici)

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

He then asks me to consider

Onda me je zamolio da razmotrim

how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ...

kako ću se „za 20 godina kajati“,

as though I hadn't.

kao da nisam.

I told him,

Rekla sam mu,

"OK, if I wake up one day

„Dobro, ako se probudim jednoga dana

and realize, you know,

i shvatim, znate,

I wish I'd made a different decision back then,

'Volela bih da sam drugačije odlučila tada',

the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood.

istina je da sam uklonila samo jedan put ka roditeljstvu.

I never needed biology to form family anyway."

Ionako mi nikada nije trebala biologija da stvorim porodicu.“

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

And I would much rather deal with that any day

I radije bih se borila sa time bilo kada

than deal with one day waking up,

nego da moram da se borim sa tim da se probudim jednog dana

realize I'd had a child

i shvatim da imam dete

that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for.

koje nisam zaista želela niti bila spremna da brinem o njemu,

Because one of these affects only me.

jer prvo utiče samo na mene.

The other affects a child,

Drugo utiče na dete,

their development, their well-being --

njegov razvoj i blagostanje.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

and human beings are not to be gambled with.

A ljudima se ne treba kockati.

He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure,

On mi je onda rekao zašto niko neće odobriti ovu proceduru,

certainly not he,

a on svakako neće,

because of a concept called medical paternalism,

zbog koncepta zvanog medicinski paternizam,

which allows him, as my well-informed provider,

koji dozvoljava njemu kao mom dobro obaveštenom lekaru

to make decisions for me ...

da u moje ime donosi odluke

based on his perception of my best interest,

zasnovane na njegovoj percepciji mog najboljeg interesa,

regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe.

bez obzira na to šta ja kao pacijent želim ili u šta verujem.

He takes this opportunity to step out

Iskoristio je priliku da izađe

and discuss my case with my potential surgeon,

i popriča o mom slučaju sa mojim potencijalnim hirurgom,

and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.

a kroz vrata sam čula kako me opisuje kao malu devojčicu.

I was so offended.

Bila sam tako uvređena.

I wanted to defend myself.

Želela sam da se branim.

I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers

Želela sam da jasno objasnim svakom od ovih lekara

how they were treating me,

kako su se ophodili prema meni,

that it was belittling and sexist,

da su me omalovažavali i ponašali se seksistički

and I didn't have to take it.

i da nisam morala to da trpim.

But I did take it.

Ali, istrpela sam.

I swallowed every sharp word in my throat,

Progutala sam svaku preku reč,

clenched my jaw, and instead

stisnula zube

i umesto toga odgovorila na svako njihovo snishodljivo pitanje i izjavu.

answered each one of their condescending questions and statements.

I had come here looking for objectivity and support

Otišla sam tamo u potrazi za objektivnošću i podrškom,

and instead I felt dismissed and silenced,

a umesto toga sam se osećala odbačeno i ućutkano

and I hated myself for it.

i mrzela sam sebe zbog toga.

I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly.

Mrzela sam što puštam ljude da me ne poštuju iznova i iznova.

But this was my one shot.

Ali, ovo je bila moja jedina šansa.

That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to.

Ovo je bila jedna od mnogobrojnih konsultacija

na koje sam morala da odem.

At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour.

U nekom momentu sam se srela sa pet ili šest lekara u sat vremena.

The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car.

Vrata sobe za preglede su bila kao vrata na klovnovskim kolima.

There's my primary,

Evo moj glavnog lekara, to je njegov kolega,

there's his colleague,

the director, OK.

direktor; dobro.

It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox

Osećala sam se kao da tražim

da me inficiraju malim boginjama

instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control.

umesto da dobijem kontrolu nad rađanjem.

But I didn't waver,

Ali, nisam pokleknula,

and I was persistent,

bila sam uporna

and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure.

i na kraju sam ubedila jednog od njih da odobri proceduru.

And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms

I čak dok sam bila u sobi, potpisivala potvrdu o saglasnosti,

and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ...

dobijala injekcije hormona i privodila sve kraju

my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval.

moj doktor je odmahivao glavom sa negodovanjem.

"You'll change your mind."

„Promenićeš mišljenje.“

I never really understood

Nikada nisam zaista razumela

how strongly this society clings to this role

kako je društvo jako vezano za ovu ulogu

until I went through this.

dok nisam prošla kroz sve ovo.

I experienced firsthand, repeatedly,

Doživela sam iz prve ruke iznova i iznova

how people, be it medical providers,

kako ljudi, bilo da su medicinski radnici,

colleagues, strangers,

kolege ili stranci

were literally unable to separate me being a woman

bukvalno nisu mogli da odvoje mene kao ženu

from me being a mother.

od mene kao majke.

And I've always believed that having children

A ja sam uvek verovala je da imati decu

was an extension of womanhood, not the definition.

dodatak ženstvenosti, a ne njena definicija.

I believe that a woman's value

Verujem da ženina vrednost

should never be determined by whether or not she has a child,

ne treba nikada da se određuje prema tome da li ima dete

because that strips her of her entire identity

jer joj to oduzima celokupni identitet

as an adult unto herself.

kao odrasle nezavisne osobe.

Women have this amazing ability to create life,

Žena ima tu neverovatnu sposobnost da stvara život,

but when we say that that is her purpose,

ali kada kažemo da je to njena svrha,

that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.

to znači da je celokupno njeno postojanje

samo sredstvo za nešto.

It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us

Lako je zaboraviti da su uloge koje nam društvo nameće

are so much more than mere titles.

mnogo više nego samo titule.

What about the weight that comes with them,

Šta je sa teretom koji one nose,

the pressure to conform to these standards ...

pritiskom da zadovoljimo te standarde,

the fear associated with questioning them,

strahom da ih dovedemo u pitanje

and the desires that we cast aside to accept them?

i željama koje zanemarujemo kako bismo ih zadovoljili?

There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment.

Ima puno staza do sreće i ispunjenosti.

They all look very different,

Sve one izgledaju drugačije,

but I believe that every one

ali verujem da je svaka od njih

is paved with the right to self-determination.

popločana pravom o samoopredeljenju.

I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood

Želim da žene znaju

da vaš izbor da prihvatite ili se odreknete materinstva

is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity

nije ni na koji način vezan za vašu vrednost ili identitet

as spouses, as adults, or as women ...

kao supruge, odrasle osobe ili žene,

and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity,

i da definitivno postoji izbor iza materinstva.

and it is yours

I taj izbor je vaš

i samo vaš.

and yours alone.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)