I don't want children -- stop telling me I'll change my mind | Christen Reighter

Translator: Polona Ramšak Reviewer: Nika Kotnik

I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early.

Zgodaj sem prepoznala vloge, ki so mi bile dodeljene.

One persistent concept that I observed --

Eden od vztrajnih konceptov, ki sem ga opazovala,

existing in our language, in our media --

ki obstajajo v našem jeziku, v medijih,

was that women are not only supposed to have children,

je bil, da ženskam ni treba le imeti otroke,

they are supposed to want to.

morajo si jih tudi želeti.

This existed everywhere.

To je blo vseprisotno.

It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me

Bilo je prisotno v načinu, kako so odrasli govorili z menoj,

when they posed questions in the context of "when."

ko so mi zastavljali vprašanja v kontekstu - ko ...

"When you get married ..."

Ko se boš poročila.

"When you have kids ..."

Ko boš imela otroke.

And these future musings were always presented to me

Ta prihodnja razmišljanja so mi vedno bila predstavljena

like part of this American dream,

kot del ameriških sanj,

but it always felt to me like someone else's dream.

a vedno se mi je zdelo, da gre za sanje nekoga drugega.

You see, a value that I have always understood about myself

Veste, vrednota, ki sem jo vedno razumela v povezavi s seboj,

was that I never wanted children.

je bila, da si nikoli nisem želela otrok.

And as a kid, when I would try to explain this,

In kot otrok, ko sem skušala to razložiti,

this disconnect between their roles and my values,

to nepovezanost med njihovimi vlogami in mojimi vrednotami,

they often laughed

so se mi pogosto smejali,

in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children.

kot se odrasli smejijo otroških absurdnostim.

And they would tell me knowingly,

Poznavalsko so mi rekli:

"You'll change your mind."

"Premislila si boš."

And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life.

In ljudje mi take stvari govorijo že vse moje življenje.

Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast.

Sicer vljudni pogovori lahko hitro postanejo nadležni.

"Does your husband know?"

"Ali vaš mož ve?"

(Laughter)

(smeh)

"Do your parents know?"

"Ali vedo vaši starši?"

(Laughter)

(smeh)

"Don't you want a family?"

"Ali nočete imeti družine?"

"Don't you want to leave anything behind?"

"Ali nočete ničesar pustiti za seboj?"

And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness,

In najpogostejša fraza, ko je govora o življenju brez otrok:

"That's selfish."

"To je sebično."

There are countless reasons a woman may have

Nešteto razlogov obstaja, zakaj se mora ženska morda

for choosing to abstain from motherhood,

odločiti, da ne bo postala mati.

the majority of them not self-prioritizing.

Večina jih ni povezanih s postavljanjem sebe na prvo mesto.

But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such,

A še vedno je družbeno sprejemljivo javno obrekovati ženske,

because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative.

ker nobeden od teh razlogov ni postal del družbene pripovedi.

When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity,

Ko sem bila majhna in sem se učila o neizogibnosti materinstva,

it was never explained to me

mi nikoli ni bilo razloženo,

the commonness of these factors that women consider,

kako pogosto ženske morajo razmišljati o faktorjih,

kot so tveganje, da bi otroku predale dedno bolezen,

like the risk of passing on hereditary illness,

the danger of having to stop life-saving medication

nevarnost, da bodo morale prekiniti nujno potrebno zdravljenje

for the duration of your pregnancy,

v času nosečnosti,

concern about overpopulation,

skrb zaradi prevelike poseljenosti,

your access to resources,

vaš dostop do virov

and the fact that there are 415,000 children

in dejstvo, da je vedno 415 000 otrok

in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time.

v sistemu rejništva v ZDA.

Reasons like these, many more,

Taki razlogi in še mnogi drugi

and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance,

ter dejstvo, da nerada prepuščam tako pomembne reči naključju,

all informed my decision

vse to je podkrepilo mojo odločitev,

to become surgically sterilized.

da se dam sterilizirati.

I began my research eagerly.

Zagnano sem začela z raziskovanjem.

I wanted to fully understand

Želela sem popolnoma razumeti,

all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation,

kaj vse bo prinesla tubektomija,

which is just another word for getting your tubes tied.

kar je le drug izraz za zavezovanje jajčnikov.

I wanted to know approval to aftermath,

Popolnoma sem želela razumeti posledice,

satisfaction rates, risks, statistics.

odstotek uspešnosti, tveganja, statistiko.

And at first, I was empowered.

Najprej sem se počutila močno.

You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me,

Veste, vedno so z menoj govorili,

I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare,

kot da le redke ženske ne želijo otrok.

and then I learned one in five American women

Potem pa sem izvedela, da vsaka peta Američanka

won't be having a biological child --

nima biološkega otroka,

some by choice, some by chance.

nekatere na lastno željo, druge po naključju.

(Applause)

(aplavz)

But I was not alone.

Nisem bila sama.

But the more I read, the more disheartened I became.

A več ko sem brala, bolj mi je jemalo pogum.

I read women's stories,

Brala sem zgodbe žensk,

trying desperately to get this procedure.

ki so obupano želele ta poseg.

I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances

Ugotovila sem, kako pogosto so ženske izčrpale svoje finance,

appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years,

leta in leta prosile na ducate ginekologov,

only to be turned down so many times,

a so bile vedno znova zavrnjene,

often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up.

pogosto s tako očitnim prezirom, da so preprosto odnehale.

Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending

Ženske so poročale, da so bili zdravstveni delavci pogosto vzvišeni

and dismissive of their motivations,

in niso sprejeli njihove odločitve.

Govorili so jim stvari, kot npr.:

being told things like,

"Pridite nazaj, ko boste poročeni in boste imeli otroka."

"Come back when you're married with a child."

But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure,

A ženskam, ki so imele otroke in so želele ta poseg,

were told they were too young,

je bilo rečeno, da so premlade

or they didn't have enough children,

ali da nimajo dovolj otrok,

which is very interesting,

kar je zanimivo,

because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were,

ker so pravne zahteve v moji državi za tako operacijo -

"Be at least 21 years old,"

starost vsaj 21 let,

"appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord,"

zdravega razuma, na lastno željo

and "have a 30-day waiting period."

in 30 dni čakalne dobe.

And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements

Bila sem osupla, da sem izpolnjevala vse te zahteve,

and still have to face a battle in the exam room

a sem se še vedno morala boriti v ordinaciji

for my bodily autonomy.

za svojo telesno avtonomijo.

And it was daunting,

Bilo je zastrašujoče,

but I was determined.

a bila sem odločena.

I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.

Spomnim se, da sem se za prvo srečanjenje oblekla kot za razgovor.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

I sat up straight.

Sedela sem vzravnano,

I spoke clearly.

jasno sem govorila.

I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence

Zdravniku sem želela dokazati,

that I was not the date of birth in that file.

da nisem le datum rojstva v tisti mapi.

And I made sure to mention things like,

Poskrbela sem, da sem omenila reči, kot so:

"I just got my bachelor's degree

"Pravkar sem magistrirala

and I'm applying to these doctoral programs,

in se vpisujem na doktorski študij,

I'm going to study these things."

to in to bom študirala.

And "my long-term partner has this kind of business,"

Moj dolgoletni partner ima to in to podjetje.

and "I've done research on this for months.

Že mesece raziskujem ta poseg,

I understand everything about it, all the risks."

razumem vse o njem, vsa tveganja.

Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim,

Želela sem, da bi zdravnik vedel, da to ni kaprica,

not reactionary,

nič reakcionarnega,

not your 20-something looking to go out and party

da nisem dvajsetletnica, ki bi se rada zabavala

without fear of getting knocked up ...

brez strahu, da bo zanosila ...

(Laughter)

(smeh)

that this supported something integral to who I was.

Da mi to predstavlja nekaj pomembnega.

And I understand informed consent,

Razumem prostovoljno soglasje,

so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ...

zato sem pričakovala, da me bo spet podučil, kako vse poteka, ampak ...

At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd,

V nekem trenutku sem občutila, da imajo informacije skriti namen,

interlaced with bias and inflated statistics.

da so prepletene s predsodki in napihnjeno statistiko.

The questions began to feel interrogative.

Vprašanja so postala vsiljiva.

At first they were asking me questions

Najprej so mi zastavljali vprašanja,

that seemed to understand my situation better,

da bi bolje razumeli mojo situacijo,

and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up.

potem pa se mi je zazdelo, da me sprašujejo, da bi me spodnesli.

I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.

Počutila sem se, kot da me zaslišujejo na prostoru za priče.

The doctor asked me about my partner.

Zdravnik me je vprašal o mojem partnerju.

"How does he or she feel about all of this?"

"Kako pa on ali ona gleda na vse to?"

"Well, I've been with the same man for five years,

"No, z istim moškim sem že pet let

and he fully supports any decision I make for my body."

in podpira vse odločitve, ki jih sprejemam o svojem telesu."

And he said, "Well, what happens in the future,

Rekel je: "Kaj pa, če v prihodnosti

if you change partners?

zamenjate partnerja?

What happens when that person wants children?"

Kaj če bo tisti človek želel otroke?"

And I didn't quite know how to react to that,

Nisem vedela, kako naj reagiram na to,

because what I was hearing

ker sem slišala le,

was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe

da mi zdravnik govori, da bi morala pozabiti vse, v kar verjamem,

if a partner demands children.

če partner želi otroka.

So I told him not to worry about that.

Zato sem mu rekla, naj ne skrbi o tem.

My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.

Moje gledišče na rojevanje je pri meni vedno tema za prvi zmenek.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

(Cheering)

(vzkliki)

(Laughter)

(smeh)

He then asks me to consider

Potem mi je rekel, naj pomislim,

how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ...

kako bom čez dvajset let obžalovala.

as though I hadn't.

Kot da še nisem.

I told him,

Povedala sem mu:

"OK, if I wake up one day

"Če se bom nekega dne zbudila

and realize, you know,

in se zavedla,

I wish I'd made a different decision back then,

da si želim, da bi se takrat drugače odločila,

the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood.

je stvar taka, da sem si odstranila le eno pot do starševstva.

I never needed biology to form family anyway."

Nikoli nisem potrebovala biologije, da bi si ustvarila družino.

(Applause)

(aplavz)

And I would much rather deal with that any day

In mnogo raje bi se s tem ukvarjala vsak dan,

than deal with one day waking up,

kot pa da se nekega dne prebudim

realize I'd had a child

in ugotovim, da imam otroka,

that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for.

ki si ga nisem zares želela oz. zanj nisem pripravljena skrbeti.

Because one of these affects only me.

Ker ena od teh odločitev se tiče samo mene.

The other affects a child,

Druga se tiče tudi otroka,

their development, their well-being --

njegovega razvoja, njegove dobrobiti.

(Applause)

(aplavz)

and human beings are not to be gambled with.

In s človeškimi bitji se ne sme kockati.

He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure,

Zdavnik mi potem pove, zakaj nihče ne bo potrdil tega postopka,

certainly not he,

prav gotovo pa ne on.

because of a concept called medical paternalism,

Zaradi koncepta, ki se imenuje medicinski paternalizem,

which allows him, as my well-informed provider,

ki mu omogoča, da se kot moj dobro obveščeni ponudnik storitev

to make decisions for me ...

odloči namesto mene

based on his perception of my best interest,

na podlagi njegovega dojemanja, kaj je zame najboljše,

regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe.

ne glede na to, kaj jaz kot pacient želim ali verjamem.

He takes this opportunity to step out

To priložnost bo izkoristil, da bo šel še korak dlje

and discuss my case with my potential surgeon,

in o mojem primeru govoril z mojim potencialnim kirurgom.

and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.

Skozi vrata ga slišim, kako me opisuje kot majhno deklico.

I was so offended.

Strašno sem bila užaljena.

I wanted to defend myself.

Želela sem se braniti,

I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers

želela sem natančno razložiti vsakomur od teh ponudnikov,

how they were treating me,

da je njuno ravnanje

that it was belittling and sexist,

poniževalno in seksistično

and I didn't have to take it.

in da mi tega ni treba prenašati.

But I did take it.

A nisem.

Požrla sem vse ostre besede, ki sem jih imela pripravljene,

I swallowed every sharp word in my throat,

clenched my jaw, and instead

stisnila čeljust in namesto tega

answered each one of their condescending questions and statements.

odgovorila na vsako od njunih podcenjevalnih vprašanj in trditev.

I had come here looking for objectivity and support

Tja sem šla v pričakovanju objektivnosti in podpore,

and instead I felt dismissed and silenced,

namesto tega pa sem se počutila odslovljeno in utišano

and I hated myself for it.

in zato sem se sovražila.

I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly.

Sovražila sem, da sem dovolila, da me ljudje ne spoštujejo.

But this was my one shot.

A to je bila moja edina priložnost.

That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to.

To je bilo eno od mnogih posvetovanj, na katera sem morala iti.

At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour.

V nekem trenutku sem obiskala pet ali šest zdravnikov v eni sami uri.

The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car.

Vrata ordinacije so se zdela kot vrata v klovnov avto.

There's my primary,

To je moj osebni zdravnik,

there's his colleague,

tam je njegov kolega,

the director, OK.

direktor, dobro.

It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox

Zdelo se mi je, kot da jih prosim, da me okužijo s kozami,

instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control.

ne pa da želim dobiti kontracepcijo.

But I didn't waver,

A nisem omahovala

and I was persistent,

in vztrajala sem

and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure.

in nazadnje prepričala enega od njih, da je dovolil poseg.

And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms

In še ko sem bila v sobi in podpisovala soglasja

and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ...

in dobivala hormonske injekcije in reševala zadeve,

my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval.

je moj zdravnik odkimaval z glavo v znamenje nestrinjanja.

"You'll change your mind."

"Premislili si boste."

I never really understood

Nikoli prej nisem zares razumela,

how strongly this society clings to this role

kako močno se družba oklepa te vloge,

until I went through this.

dokler nisem tega doživela.

I experienced firsthand, repeatedly,

Osebno in vedno znova sem izkusila,

how people, be it medical providers,

kako ljudje, pa naj gre za zdravstveno osebje,

colleagues, strangers,

kolege ali tujce,

were literally unable to separate me being a woman

niso mogli ločiti mene kot ženske

from me being a mother.

od mene kot matere.

And I've always believed that having children

Vedno sem verjela, da pomeni imeti otroke

was an extension of womanhood, not the definition.

podaljšanje, ne pa definicija ženske.

I believe that a woman's value

Verjamem, da se vrednost ženske

should never be determined by whether or not she has a child,

ne bi smela meriti s tem, ali ima ali nima otroka,

because that strips her of her entire identity

ker ji to odvzame vso njeno identiteto

as an adult unto herself.

odrasle osebe.

Women have this amazing ability to create life,

Ženske imajo to izjemno sposobnost, da ustvarijo življenje,

but when we say that that is her purpose,

a ko rečemo, da je to njen namen,

that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.

to pomeni, da je ves njen obstoj samo sredstvo za dosego cilja.

It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us

Tako zlahka pozabimo, da so vloge, ki nam jih določa družba,

are so much more than mere titles.

mnogo več kot le nazivi.

What about the weight that comes with them,

Kaj pa teža, ki jo nosijo s seboj,

the pressure to conform to these standards ...

pritisk, da se podredimo tem standardom,

the fear associated with questioning them,

strah, povezan s dvomom,

and the desires that we cast aside to accept them?

in želje, ki jih zavržemo, da bi jih sprejeli?

There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment.

Mnogo poti je do sreče in izpolnitve.

They all look very different,

Zelo različne so,

but I believe that every one

a verjamem, da je vsaka

is paved with the right to self-determination.

tlakovana s pravico do samoodločanja.

I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood

Želim, da ženske veste, da izbira za ali proti materinstvu

is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity

ni nikakor povezana z vašo vrednostjo ali identiteto kot

as spouses, as adults, or as women ...

partnerke, odraslega ali ženske.

and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity,

Za materinstvom absolutno obstaja izbira,

and it is yours

in to vaša,

and yours alone.

samo vaša.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(aplavz)