I don't want children -- stop telling me I'll change my mind | Christen Reighter

Prevoditelj: Lidija Funtek Recezent: Sanda L

I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early.

Vrlo rano sam prepoznala uloge koje su mi nametnute.

One persistent concept that I observed --

Ono što sam primijetila je

existing in our language, in our media --

da se u našem jeziku i medijima

was that women are not only supposed to have children,

od žena očekuje ne samo da moraju imati djecu,

they are supposed to want to.

već i da žele imati djecu.

This existed everywhere.

To je svugdje prisutno.

It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me

Prisutno je u načinu na koji su mi se odrasli obraćali

when they posed questions in the context of "when."

kada su pitanja počinjali s "kada".

"When you get married ..."

"Kada se udaš..."

"When you have kids ..."

"Kada imaš djecu..."

And these future musings were always presented to me

Takva razmišljanja predstavljaju se

like part of this American dream,

kao dio "američkog sna",

but it always felt to me like someone else's dream.

ali meni su se uvijek činila kao dio nečijeg tuđeg sna.

You see, a value that I have always understood about myself

Vidite, ono što sam oduvijek znala o sebi

was that I never wanted children.

je da nikada ne želim imati djecu.

And as a kid, when I would try to explain this,

Kad sam bila dijete, često bi mi se smijali

this disconnect between their roles and my values,

kada bih pokušala objasniti to neslaganje

they often laughed

nametnutih uloga i mojih stavova,

in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children.

onako kako se odrasli smiju dječjim izjavama.

And they would tell me knowingly,

I svjesno bi mi govorili,

"You'll change your mind."

"Predomislit ćeš se."

And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life.

I ljudi mi cijelog života govore takve stvari.

Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast.

Naizgled pristojan razgovor vrlo brzo može početi narušavati privatnost.

"Does your husband know?"

"Zna li tvoj muž?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"Do your parents know?"

"Znaju li tvoji roditelji?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"Don't you want a family?"

"Zar ne želiš imati obitelj?"

"Don't you want to leave anything behind?"

"Zar ne želiš nešto ostaviti iza sebe kada odeš?"

And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness,

A najčešća poštapalica kada se radi o životu bez djece je

"That's selfish."

"To je sebično."

There are countless reasons a woman may have

Žena može imati mnogo razloga

for choosing to abstain from motherhood,

zbog kojih odluči da ne želi imati djecu,

the majority of them not self-prioritizing.

a većina njih nije sebična.

But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such,

No, društveno je prihvatljivo ogovarati žene,

because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative.

jer nijedan od ovih razloga nije dio društvenog sustava.

When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity,

Kao djevojčici koja uči o neizbježnosti majčinstva,

it was never explained to me

nikada mi nisu objasnili

the commonness of these factors that women consider,

obilježja svih faktora koje žene moraju uzeti u obzir,

like the risk of passing on hereditary illness,

poput rizika da dalje prenesu nasljednu bolest,

the danger of having to stop life-saving medication

opasnosti ako prekinu uzimati lijek od životne važnosti

for the duration of your pregnancy,

za vrijeme trudnoće,

concern about overpopulation,

brige oko prenaseljenosti,

your access to resources,

pristup resursima

and the fact that there are 415,000 children

i činjenice da je u SAD-u 415 000 djece

in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time.

u sustavu udomiteljstva.

Reasons like these, many more,

Razlozi poput ovih i mnogi drugi

and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance,

te činjenica da ne želim nešto tako važno prepustiti sreći,

all informed my decision

samo su poduprli moju odluku

to become surgically sterilized.

da napravim kiruršku sterilizaciju.

I began my research eagerly.

Željno sam započela s istraživanjem.

I wanted to fully understand

Htjela sam u potpunosti razumijeti

all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation,

sve što je vezano uz tubalnu ligaciju,

which is just another word for getting your tubes tied.

što je samo još jedan izraz za podvezivanje jajnika.

I wanted to know approval to aftermath,

Željela sam znati posljedice,

satisfaction rates, risks, statistics.

postotak uspješnosti, rizike, statistiku.

And at first, I was empowered.

Prvo sam se osjećala osnaženom.

You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me,

Vidite, zbog onoga što su mi stalno govorili

I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare,

mislila sam da su rijetke žene koje ne žele imati djecu,

and then I learned one in five American women

a onda sam saznala da 1 od 5 Amerikanki

won't be having a biological child --

neće imati biološko dijete --

some by choice, some by chance.

neke jer ne žele, neke jer ne mogu.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

But I was not alone.

No, nisam bila jedina.

But the more I read, the more disheartened I became.

Što sam više čitala, postajala sam više obeshrabrena.

I read women's stories,

Čitala sam priče žena

trying desperately to get this procedure.

koje su očajnički željele obaviti taj zahvat.

I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances

Saznala sam koliko često žene potroše mnogo novca

appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years,

na desetke ginekologa, kroz dugi niz godina,

only to be turned down so many times,

samo kako bi ih na kraju često odbili

often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up.

i odnosili se prema njima s nepoštovanjem pa bi one odustale.

Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending

Žene govore kako su liječnici uglavnom bili arogantni

and dismissive of their motivations,

i nezainteresirani za njihove razloge

being told things like,

te su im često govorili stvari poput,

"Come back when you're married with a child."

"Vratite se kada se udate i rodite dijete."

But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure,

No, i ženama koje su već imale djecu i željele napraviti taj zahvat

were told they were too young,

rečeno je da su premlade

or they didn't have enough children,

ili da nisu imale dovoljno djece,

which is very interesting,

što je jako zanimljivo,

because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were,

jer su pravni uvjeti za ovaj zahvat u mojoj državi glasili:

"Be at least 21 years old,"

"Imajte barem 21 godinu,"

"appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord,"

"Budite razboriti, djelujte svjesno i bez prisile"

and "have a 30-day waiting period."

i "pričekajte 30 dana."

And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements

Zbunilo me to što bih ispunila sve te pravne uvjete

and still have to face a battle in the exam room

i još uvijek se morala boriti s ispitivanjima

for my bodily autonomy.

vezanima uz moje tijelo.

And it was daunting,

Bio je zastrašujuće,

but I was determined.

ali bila sam odlučna.

I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.

Sjećam se da sam se obukla jako profesionalno za taj prvi razgovor.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

I sat up straight.

Sjedila sam uspravno.

I spoke clearly.

Razgovjetno sam govorila.

I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence

Željela sam dokazati tom liječniku

that I was not the date of birth in that file.

da nisam samo datum rođenja u dosjeu.

And I made sure to mention things like,

I pobrinula sam se da spomenem stvari poput,

"I just got my bachelor's degree

"Upravo sam diplomirala

and I'm applying to these doctoral programs,

i prijavljujem se za doktorski studij,

I'm going to study these things."

studirat ću ovo."

And "my long-term partner has this kind of business,"

I "moj partner se bavi tim i tim poslom,"

and "I've done research on this for months.

i "mjesecima sam istraživala o ovome.

I understand everything about it, all the risks."

Razumijem sve o tome, svjesna sam rizika."

Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim,

Željela sam da liječnik zna da ovo nije neki hir,

not reactionary,

nije nešto impulzivno,

not your 20-something looking to go out and party

kao neka 20-godišnjakinja koja se želi zabavljati,

without fear of getting knocked up ...

bez straha da će zatrudnjeti...

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

that this supported something integral to who I was.

ovo je sastavni dio moje osobnosti.

And I understand informed consent,

Znam što je informirani pristanak

so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ...

i očekivala sam da će me dodatno podučiti kako to sve funkcionira, ali...

At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd,

Odjednom su informacije koje sam dobivala postajale pristrane,

interlaced with bias and inflated statistics.

pomiješane s predrasudama i prenapuhanom statistikom.

The questions began to feel interrogative.

Osjećala sam se kao da sam na ispitivanju.

At first they were asking me questions

Prvo su mi postavljali pitanja

that seemed to understand my situation better,

i činilo se da me pokušavaju razumjeti,

and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up.

no, zatim su me pitanjima pokušali zbuniti.

I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.

Osjećala sam se kao da sam u sudnici na ispitivanju.

The doctor asked me about my partner.

Liječnik me pitao i za mog partnera.

"How does he or she feel about all of this?"

"Što on ili ona misli o ovome?"

"Well, I've been with the same man for five years,

"Pa, s istim muškarcem sam već 5 godina

and he fully supports any decision I make for my body."

i on potpuno podržava svaku moju odluku o mom tijelu."

And he said, "Well, what happens in the future,

Zatim je rekao, "A što ako u budućnosti

if you change partners?

promijenite partnera?

What happens when that person wants children?"

Što ako će ta osoba željeti djecu?"

And I didn't quite know how to react to that,

Nisam znala kako točno reagirati

because what I was hearing

jer ono što sam čula je

was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe

da mi ovaj liječnik govori da moram zanemariti sve što vjerujem

if a partner demands children.

ako partner zatraži da imamo djecu.

So I told him not to worry about that.

Rekla sam mu da se ne mora brinuti oko toga.

My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.

Svoj stav o trudnoći iznosim odmah na prvom spoju.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Cheering)

(Klicanje)

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

He then asks me to consider

Zatim me traži da razmislim o tome

how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ...

da bih "za 20 godina zaista mogla požaliti"...

as though I hadn't.

a već sam razmišljala o tome.

I told him,

Rekla sam mu,

"OK, if I wake up one day

"U redu, ako se jednog dana probudim

and realize, you know,

i shvatim da sam trebala

I wish I'd made a different decision back then,

donijeti drugačiju odluku,

the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood.

zapravo sam uklonila samo jedan način da postanem roditelj.

I never needed biology to form family anyway."

Nikada mi nije trebala biologija da osnujem obitelj.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

And I would much rather deal with that any day

I radije bih se jednom suočila s time,

than deal with one day waking up,

nego da se jednog dana probudim,

realize I'd had a child

shvatim da imam dijete

that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for.

koje zapravo nisam željela ili bila spremna brinuti se o njemu.

Because one of these affects only me.

Jedno od ovoga utječe samo na mene.

The other affects a child,

Drugo utječe na dijete,

their development, their well-being --

njegov razvoj, njegovu dobrobit -

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

and human beings are not to be gambled with.

a s ljudima se ne smije kockati.

He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure,

Zatim mi je rekao zašto nitko neće odobriti ovaj zahvat,

certainly not he,

pogotovo ne on,

because of a concept called medical paternalism,

zbog nečega što se zove medicinski paternalizam,

which allows him, as my well-informed provider,

koji mu dopušta da, kao osoba koja je stručna i koja mi daje informacije,

to make decisions for me ...

umjesto mene donosi odluke

based on his perception of my best interest,

na temelju onoga što on smatra da je najbolje za mene,

regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe.

bez obzira što ja, kao pacijentica, želim ili vjerujem.

He takes this opportunity to step out

Iskoristio je priliku

and discuss my case with my potential surgeon,

da raspravi o mom slučaju s mojim potencijalnim kirurgom

and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.

i kroz vrata sam ga čula kako me opisuje kao djevojčicu.

I was so offended.

Bila sam toliko uvrijeđena.

I wanted to defend myself.

Željela sam se obraniti.

I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers

Željela sam jasno objasniti svakome od njih

how they were treating me,

kako se odnose prema meni,

that it was belittling and sexist,

da je to ponižavajuće i seksističko ponašanje

and I didn't have to take it.

i da ja to ne moram trpjeti.

But I did take it.

No, trpjela sam.

I swallowed every sharp word in my throat,

Progutala sam svaku ružnu riječ,

clenched my jaw, and instead

stisnula zube

answered each one of their condescending questions and statements.

i odgovorila na svako njihovo patronizirajuće pitanje i tvrdnju.

I had come here looking for objectivity and support

Došla sam tražeći objektivnost i podršku,

and instead I felt dismissed and silenced,

a osjećala sam se odbačeno i ušutkano

and I hated myself for it.

te sam se mrzila zbog toga.

I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly.

Mrzila sam što dopuštam da se prema meni stalno odnose s nepoštovanjem.

But this was my one shot.

Ali, to mi je bila jedina prilika.

That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to.

To je bilo samo jedno od mnogih savjetovanja na koje sam morala ići.

At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour.

Jednom sam razgovarala s 5 ili 6 liječnika u sat vremena.

The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car.

Činilo se kao da sam na kolodvoru.

There's my primary,

Evo mog liječnika,

there's his colleague,

evo njegovog kolege,

the director, OK.

evo upravitelja, u redu.

It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox

Kao da sam ih tražila da me zaraze ospicama,

instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control.

a ne da mi omoguće kontracepciju.

But I didn't waver,

No, nisam se pokolebala,

and I was persistent,

bila sam uporna

and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure.

i konačno uvjerila jednog od njih da mi dozvoli zahvat.

And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms

Čak i kad sam potpisivala obrasce,

and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ...

dobivala injekcije hormona i sređivala ostalo,

my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval.

moj liječnik je odmahivao glavom u znak neslaganja.

"You'll change your mind."

"Predomislit ćete se."

I never really understood

Nikada mi nije bilo potpuno jasno

how strongly this society clings to this role

koliko se društvo čvrsto drži te uloge

until I went through this.

dok nisam ovo prošla.

I experienced firsthand, repeatedly,

Više puta sam iz prve ruke doživjela

how people, be it medical providers,

kako ljudi, bilo liječnici,

colleagues, strangers,

kolege ili stranci,

were literally unable to separate me being a woman

nisu u mogućnosti razlikovati mene kao ženu

from me being a mother.

i mene kao majku.

And I've always believed that having children

Uvijek sam vjerovala da je roditeljstvo

was an extension of womanhood, not the definition.

samo produžetak ženstvenosti, a ne definicija.

I believe that a woman's value

Vjerujem da se vrijednost žene

should never be determined by whether or not she has a child,

nikada ne bi trebala mjeriti time ima li ona dijete ili ne,

because that strips her of her entire identity

jer to narušava njezin cijeli identitet

as an adult unto herself.

kao odrasle osobe.

Women have this amazing ability to create life,

Žene imaju nevjerojatnu sposobnost da stvore život,

but when we say that that is her purpose,

ali ako kažemo da je to ženina svrha,

that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.

to znači da je cijelo njezino postojanje svedeno na to da je ona samo sredstvo.

It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us

Lako je zaboraviti da su uloge koje nam društvo nameće

are so much more than mere titles.

mnogo više od običnih titula.

What about the weight that comes with them,

Što je s teretom koji dolazi s njima,

the pressure to conform to these standards ...

s pritiskom da se prilagodimo tim standardima,

the fear associated with questioning them,

sa strahom da ih preispitamo

and the desires that we cast aside to accept them?

i željama kojih se odričemo kako bismo ih prihvatili?

There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment.

Mnogo je načina da se postigne sreća i ispunjenje.

They all look very different,

Svi izgledaju veoma različito,

but I believe that every one

ali vjerujem da je svaki od njih

is paved with the right to self-determination.

povezan s pravom na samoodređenje.

I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood

Želim da žene znaju da vaš izbor da prihvatite ili se suzdržite majčinstva

is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity

nije nikako povezan s vašom vrijednošću ili identitetom

as spouses, as adults, or as women ...

kao partnerice, odrasle osobe ili žene

and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity,

i svakako postoji izbor kod pitanja majčinstva

and it is yours

i to je vaš izbor

and yours alone.

i samo vaš.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)