I don't want children -- stop telling me I'll change my mind | Christen Reighter

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Regina Chu

I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early.

我很早就查覺到那些 放在我身上的角色。

One persistent concept that I observed --

我觀察到有個不斷出現的概念，

existing in our language, in our media --

存在我們的語言、媒體之中，

was that women are not only supposed to have children,

那就是女人不只應該要有小孩，

they are supposed to want to.

還應該想要小孩。

This existed everywhere.

舉世皆然。

It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me

這件事存在的方式就像 有成人和我談起時，

when they posed questions in the context of "when."

他們會用「到時候」提問。

"When you get married ..."

「到時候妳結婚……」

"When you have kids ..."

「到時候妳有小孩……」

And these future musings were always presented to me

這些對未來的期望 總是出現在我面前，

like part of this American dream,

就像某部分的美國夢，

but it always felt to me like someone else's dream.

但對我來說，總像是別人的夢。

You see, a value that I have always understood about myself

我一直都很清楚自己有個觀念，

was that I never wanted children.

就是不要有小孩。

And as a kid, when I would try to explain this,

我還小的時候試圖解釋

this disconnect between their roles and my values,

他們的角色和我的價值觀 之間的斷層時，

they often laughed

他們常笑我，

in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children.

用一種成人對待 小孩無稽之談的方式。

And they would tell me knowingly,

他們會一副什麼都知道的樣子說：

"You'll change your mind."

「妳以後會改變心意。」

And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life.

我這輩子一直聽到有人這樣跟我說。

Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast.

不然本來很客氣的對話 就很快地變成很直接。

"Does your husband know?"

「妳老公知道嗎？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"Do your parents know?"

「妳爸媽知道嗎？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"Don't you want a family?"

「妳不想要有個家庭嗎？」

"Don't you want to leave anything behind?"

「妳不想要留下後代嗎？」

And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness,

討論沒小孩的時候， 最基本的臺詞就是：

"That's selfish."

「真自私。」

There are countless reasons a woman may have

女人可能有無數的理由

for choosing to abstain from motherhood,

選擇放棄當母親，

the majority of them not self-prioritizing.

大部分都不是以自己為優先做考量。

But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such,

但社會還是接受如此公然侮辱女性，

because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative.

因為還沒有任何理由 能成為社會上通行的敘事。

When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity,

我還小的時候學到母愛的必然性，

it was never explained to me

從來沒有人跟我解釋，

the commonness of these factors that women consider,

某些女性考量的事情的普遍性，

like the risk of passing on hereditary illness,

像是遺傳病的風險，

the danger of having to stop life-saving medication

必須停止急救治療的危險

for the duration of your pregnancy,

可能出現在你懷孕期間，

concern about overpopulation,

對人口過剩的考量，

your access to resources,

取得資源的管道，

and the fact that there are 415,000 children

美國一直以來都有 41 萬 5 千名小孩

in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time.

住在寄養家庭裡。

Reasons like these, many more,

諸如此類的理由還有更多，

and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance,

還有我不喜歡 把這麼重要的事留給運氣，

all informed my decision

這一切都讓我決定

to become surgically sterilized.

做絕育手術。

I began my research eagerly.

我興致勃勃開始做調查。

I wanted to fully understand

我想要完全了解

all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation,

接受輸卵管結紮的一切，

which is just another word for getting your tubes tied.

簡單來說就是把妳的輸卵管綁起來。

I wanted to know approval to aftermath,

我想知道批准、善後、

satisfaction rates, risks, statistics.

滿意度、風險、一些統計資料。

And at first, I was empowered.

一開始，我大受鼓舞。

You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me,

我過去學到的都是同一種說法，

I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare,

讓我以為不想要小孩的女人很少，

and then I learned one in five American women

但我發現，

每五個美國婦女中就有一個 沒有親生子女，

won't be having a biological child --

some by choice, some by chance.

有些是自己選的，有些是因為運氣。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

But I was not alone.

所以我不孤單。

But the more I read, the more disheartened I became.

但我讀越多，就覺得越灰心。

I read women's stories,

我讀到一些女人的故事，

trying desperately to get this procedure.

她們不顧一切想要做手術。

I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances

我看到很多女人散盡家財，

appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years,

多年來哀求了好幾十間婦產科，

only to be turned down so many times,

卻被拒絕無數次，

often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up.

還常受到公然不敬的對待， 最後只好放棄。

Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending

女性提到醫生常姿態高傲

且輕視她們的決定，

and dismissive of their motivations,

being told things like,

常會被說：

"Come back when you're married with a child."

「等妳結婚有小孩之後再來。」

But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure,

但有小孩的婦女說要做手術，

were told they were too young,

就會被說她們太年輕，

or they didn't have enough children,

或是她們的小孩不夠多，

which is very interesting,

這點很有意思，

because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were,

因為我的州規定這種手術

"Be at least 21 years old,"

「至少要 21 歲，」

"appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord,"

「心理健全，出於自願，」

and "have a 30-day waiting period."

而且「等待 30 天考慮期」。

And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements

我不解為何我完全符合 這些法定要求，

and still have to face a battle in the exam room

還得要在檢驗室

爭取我的身體自主權。

for my bodily autonomy.

And it was daunting,

過程讓人氣餒，

but I was determined.

但我已下定決心。

I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.

我記得第一次約診的時候， 我打扮得很專業。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I sat up straight.

我坐得很挺。

I spoke clearly.

表達清晰。

I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence

我想讓醫生看每一項證據，

that I was not the date of birth in that file.

證明我不像檔案上寫的那麼年輕。

And I made sure to mention things like,

我確保傳達出像是：

"I just got my bachelor's degree

「我剛拿到學士學位，

and I'm applying to these doctoral programs,

正在申請這些博士研究，

I'm going to study these things."

準備要攻讀這些東西。」

And "my long-term partner has this kind of business,"

還有「我的長期伴侶有某某狀況，」

and "I've done research on this for months.

「我研究這個好幾個月了，

I understand everything about it, all the risks."

我了解全部內容和風險。」

Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim,

因為我要讓醫生知道 我不是心血來潮，

not reactionary,

也不是要反對什麼，

not your 20-something looking to go out and party

不是那種二十幾歲跑趴

without fear of getting knocked up ...

怕肚子被搞大……

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

that this supported something integral to who I was.

而是這件事讓我可以成為我自己。

And I understand informed consent,

我了解知情同意，

so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ...

所以我完全知道會被再教育， 告知整個過程，但是……

At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd,

某個程度上，他們跟我說的資訊 就像事先安排好了一樣，

interlaced with bias and inflated statistics.

交雜一些偏見和誇張的數據。

The questions began to feel interrogative.

詢問變得像在質問。

At first they were asking me questions

一開始他們問我一些事，

that seemed to understand my situation better,

似乎讓他們能比較了解我的情況，

and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up.

然後他們問一些像是 存心要讓我答錯的問題。

I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.

我覺得自己像 站在證人席被交互詰問。

The doctor asked me about my partner.

醫生問到我的伴侶。

"How does he or she feel about all of this?"

「他覺得這些事怎樣？」

"Well, I've been with the same man for five years,

「嗯，我和同一個男人 在一起五年了，

and he fully supports any decision I make for my body."

他完全支持我為自己 身體做的決定。」

And he said, "Well, what happens in the future,

他說：「嗯，要是以後

if you change partners?

你換伴侶了怎麼辦呢？

What happens when that person wants children?"

萬一那個人想要小孩怎麼辦？」

And I didn't quite know how to react to that,

我當下不太知道該怎麼回答，

because what I was hearing

因為我聽到的

was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe

是這個醫生告訴我 應該要不顧我所相信的一切，

if a partner demands children.

接受伴侶想要小孩。

So I told him not to worry about that.

我跟他說，不用擔心那個。

My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.

生小孩這件事一直是我 第一次約會的話題。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Cheering)

（歡呼聲）

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

He then asks me to consider

然後他要我想想

how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ...

「萬一二十年後你真的 開始後悔這件事……」

as though I hadn't.

好像只是時候未到。

I told him,

我跟他說：

"OK, if I wake up one day

「如果有天我醒來，

and realize, you know,

意識到

I wish I'd made a different decision back then,

希望當時能做出不同的決定，

the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood.

其實我只是少了一種為人母的方式。

I never needed biology to form family anyway."

反正我從不需要 透過血緣關係來成家。」

(Applause)

（掌聲）

And I would much rather deal with that any day

而且我寧可隨時面對這件事，

than deal with one day waking up,

而不是有天醒來要面對

realize I'd had a child

了解到我有小孩這件事，

that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for.

而且我沒有真的想要， 或沒有準備好要照顧他。

Because one of these affects only me.

因為其中一個選項只影響到我，

The other affects a child,

另一個選項影響了一個孩子，

their development, their well-being --

他們的發展、幸福──

(Applause)

（掌聲）

and human beings are not to be gambled with.

而且不能拿人命來冒險。

He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure,

然後他跟我說為什麼 沒人會批准這件事，

certainly not he,

顯然他不會，

because of a concept called medical paternalism,

因為有個叫做醫療父權主義的概念，

which allows him, as my well-informed provider,

讓他，這個知識充足的醫生，

to make decisions for me ...

為我做決定……

based on his perception of my best interest,

基於他對我的最佳利益考量，

regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe.

不管我，這個病人， 想要或相信什麼。

He takes this opportunity to step out

他藉機離開，

and discuss my case with my potential surgeon,

然後和可能幫我開刀的醫生討論，

and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.

我在門後聽到他形容我是個小女孩。

I was so offended.

我覺得被冒犯。

I wanted to defend myself.

我想捍衛自己。

I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers

我想毫不掩飾地跟每個醫生解釋

how they were treating me,

他們是怎麼對我的，

that it was belittling and sexist,

眨低我，歧視我的性別，

and I didn't have to take it.

我不必忍受這些。

But I did take it.

但我還是接受了。

I swallowed every sharp word in my throat,

我把每個尖銳的字眼吞進喉嚨裡，

clenched my jaw, and instead

咬緊牙根，

answered each one of their condescending questions and statements.

一一回答他們每個 目中無人的問題和陳述。

I had come here looking for objectivity and support

我來這裡尋求客觀和支持，

and instead I felt dismissed and silenced,

反而覺得被打發掉和被消音，

and I hated myself for it.

我討厭自己這樣。

I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly.

我討厭讓人一再不尊重我。

But this was my one shot.

但那是我唯一的機會。

That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to.

我得接受很多會診，

At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour.

有一次，我在一個小時內 見了五、六個醫療專家。

The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car.

檢驗室的那扇門更像是小丑的車門。

There's my primary,

那是我的家庭醫生，

there's his colleague,

那是他的同事，

the director, OK.

主任，好。

It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox

感覺像是我要他們讓我染上天花，

instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control.

而不是……嗯，做節育。

But I didn't waver,

但是我不動搖，

and I was persistent,

我很堅持，

and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure.

終於說服其中一個答應我動手術。

And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms

我在房裡簽同意書、

and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ...

打荷爾蒙針，搞定這些事的時候……

my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval.

我的醫生還在搖頭表示不同意。

"You'll change your mind."

「妳會改變心意。」

I never really understood

我永遠不了解

how strongly this society clings to this role

這個社會強加在 這個角色上的有多重，

until I went through this.

直到我走這一遭。

I experienced firsthand, repeatedly,

我一再重覆、親身經歷

how people, be it medical providers,

這些醫療從業人員、

colleagues, strangers,

同事、陌生人

were literally unable to separate me being a woman

是怎麼無法把我從一個女人

from me being a mother.

和母親的身分區分開來。

And I've always believed that having children

我總相信有小孩

was an extension of womanhood, not the definition.

是女人的延伸，而非定義。

I believe that a woman's value

我相信女人的價值

should never be determined by whether or not she has a child,

永遠不該以她有沒有小孩來決定，

because that strips her of her entire identity

因為那會將她從她的整個身分奪走，

as an adult unto herself.

那個身為成人的自己。

Women have this amazing ability to create life,

女人有這項創造生命的美好能力，

but when we say that that is her purpose,

但是當我們說這是她的目的，

that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.

那就是說她整個存在 只是達到目的的手段。

It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us

我們很容易忘記 社會放在我們身上的角色

are so much more than mere titles.

遠比區區頭銜來得重。

What about the weight that comes with them,

那些隨著角色而來的重量、

the pressure to conform to these standards ...

遵守這些規範的壓力……

the fear associated with questioning them,

那些質問他們的恐懼，

and the desires that we cast aside to accept them?

還有我們為了接受 而拋在一邊的渴望該怎麼辦？

There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment.

有很多條路可以通往幸福美滿。

They all look very different,

每條路看起來都很不一樣，

but I believe that every one

但是我相信每個人

is paved with the right to self-determination.

都擁有自我決定的權利 去鋪設這條路。

I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood

我想讓女性知道， 你決定擁抱或放棄為人母，

is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity

和你的價值、

as spouses, as adults, or as women ...

做為配偶、成人 或女性的身分毫不相干……

and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity,

而且在母職背後絕對有一個選擇

and it is yours

是屬於你的，

and yours alone.

僅屬於你。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）