How My Mind Came Back to Life — and No One Knew | Martin Pistorius | TED Talks

Translator: Sintija Jakubovska Reviewer: Ilze Garda

Imagine being unable to say, "I am hungry," "I am in pain,"

Iedomājieties, ka nespējat pateikt "esmu izsalcis", "man sāp",

"thank you," or "I love you."

"paldies" vai "es tevi mīlu".

Being trapped inside your body,

Ka esat iesprostoti savā ķermenī,

a body that doesn't respond to commands.

ķermenī, kas nepakļaujas komandām.

Surrounded by people,

Starp cilvēkiem,

yet utterly alone.

tomēr pilnīgi vieni.

Wishing you could reach out,

Vēloties, kaut varētu uzrunāt,

to connect, to comfort, to participate.

sazināties, mierināt, piedalīties.

For 13 long years, that was my reality.

13 garus gadus tā bija mana realitāte.

Most of us never think twice about talking, about communicating.

Vairums no mums nekad neaizdomājas par sarunāšanos un saziņu.

I've thought a lot about it.

Es par to esmu domājis daudz.

I've had a lot of time to think.

Man bija daudz laika pārdomām.

For the first 12 years of my life,

Pirmos 12 dzīves gadus

I was a normal, happy, healthy little boy.

es biju normāls, laimīgs un veselīgs mazs zēns.

Then everything changed.

Pēc tam viss mainījās.

I contracted a brain infection.

Es saslimu ar smadzeņu infekciju.

The doctors weren't sure what it was,

Ārsti nebija pārliecināti, kas man kaiš,

but they treated me the best they could.

bet viņi mani ārstēja, kā vien spēja.

However, I progressively got worse.

Tomēr man kļuva arvien sliktāk.

Eventually, I lost my ability to control my movements,

Galu galā es zaudēju spēju kontrolēt savas kustības,

make eye contact,

veidot acu kontaktu

and finally, my ability to speak.

un visbeidzot – spēju runāt.

While in hospital,

Esot slimnīcā,

I desperately wanted to go home.

es izmisīgi vēlējos doties mājās.

I said to my mother, "When home?"

Es jautāju savai mātei: "Kad mājās?"

Those were the last words I ever spoke with my own voice.

Tie bija pēdējie vārdi, ko izrunāju pats savā balsī.

I would eventually fail every test for mental awareness.

Galu galā es neizturēju nevienu apziņas testu.

My parents were told I was as good as not there.

Maniem vecākiem teica, ka manis tikpat kā nav.

A vegetable, having the intelligence of a three-month-old baby.

Dārzenis ar trīs mēnešus veca zīdaiņa prāta spējām.

They were told to take me home and try to keep me comfortable

Viņiem teica, lai ved mani mājās un cenšas nodrošināt man ērtu dzīvi,

until I died.

līdz es nomiršu.

My parents, in fact my entire family's lives,

Manu vecāku un patiesībā visas manas ģimenes dzīvi

became consumed by taking care of me the best they knew how.

aizņēma rūpēšanās par mani tik labi, cik vien viņi spēja.

Their friends drifted away.

Viņu draugi attālinājās.

One year turned to two,

Viens gads pārvērtās par diviem,

two turned to three.

divi – par trīs.

It seemed like the person I once was began to disappear.

Šķita, ka cilvēks, kas reiz biju, sāka izzust.

The Lego blocks and electronic circuits I'd loved as a boy were put away.

Lego klucīši un elektroshēmas, kas man patika bērnībā, tika aizvākti.

I had been moved out of my bedroom into another more practical one.

No manas guļamistabas mani pārcēla uz citu, praktiskāku istabu.

I had become a ghost,

Es biju kļuvis par spoku,

a faded memory of a boy people once knew and loved.

blāvām atmiņām par zēnu, ko cilvēki reiz pazina un mīlēja.

Meanwhile, my mind began knitting itself back together.

Tikmēr manas prāta spējas sāka pamazām atgriezties.

Gradually, my awareness started to return.

Mana apziņa pakāpeniski atgriezās.

But no one realized that I had come back to life.

Tomēr neviens nesaprata, ka esmu atgriezies dzīvē.

I was aware of everything,

Es visu apzinājos –

just like any normal person.

gluži kā jebkurš normāls cilvēks.

I could see and understand everything,

Es spēju visu redzēt un saprast,

but I couldn't find a way to let anybody know.

bet nezināju, kā lai to pavēstu citiem.

My personality was entombed within a seemingly silent body,

Mana personība bija ieslēgta šķietami klusējošā ķermenī,

a vibrant mind hidden in plain sight within a chrysalis.

kūsājošais prāts paslēpts kūniņā turpat acu priekšā.

The stark reality hit me that I was going to spend

Es aptvēru skarbo realitāti –

ka pavadīšu atlikušo dzīvi, ieslodzīts savā ķermenī,

the rest of my life locked inside myself,

totally alone.

pilnīgi viens.

I was trapped with only my thoughts for company.

Es biju kā slazdā, un mani vienīgie draugi bija manas domas.

I would never be rescued.

Mani nekad neizglābs.

No one would ever show me tenderness.

Neviens man nekad neizrādīs maigumu.

I would never talk to a friend.

Es nekad nesarunāšos ar draugiem.

No one would ever love me.

Neviens nekad mani nemīlēs.

I had no dreams, no hope, nothing to look forward to.

Man nebija ne sapņu, ne cerību, nebija nekā, ko gaidīt.

Well, nothing pleasant.

Nu, vismaz nekā patīkama.

I lived in fear,

Es dzīvoju bailēs

and, to put it bluntly,

un, godīgi sakot,

was waiting for death to finally release me,

gaidīju, kad nāve mani beidzot atbrīvos,

expecting to die all alone in a care home.

domādams, ka nomiršu aprūpes namā pilnīgi viens.

I don't know if it's truly possible to express in words

Es nezinu, vai patiešām ir iespējams izteikt vārdos,

what it's like not to be able to communicate.

kā ir nespēt sazināties.

Your personality appears to vanish into a heavy fog

Tava personība šķiet pazūdam biezā miglā,

and all of your emotions and desires are constricted, stifled and muted within you.

un visas tavas emocijas un vēlmes ir ierobežotas, apspiestas un apslāpētas.

For me, the worst was the feeling of utter powerlessness.

Visneciešamākā man šķita pilnīgās bezspēcības sajūta.

I simply existed.

Es vienkārši eksistēju.

It's a very dark place to find yourself

Ir drausmīgi nokļūt tādā situācijā,

because in a sense, you have vanished.

jo zināmā mērā tu esi izgaisis.

Other people controlled every aspect of my life.

Ikvienu manas dzīves aspektu kontrolēja citi cilvēki.

They decided what I ate and when.

Viņi izlēma, ko un kad es ēdu.

Whether I was laid on my side or strapped into my wheelchair.

Vai es gulēju uz sāna vai biju piesiets ratiņkrēslam.

I often spent my days positioned in front of the TV

Es bieži vien pavadīju laiku nosēdināts pie televizora,

watching Barney reruns.

skatoties "Bārnija" atkārtojumus.

I think because Barney is so happy and jolly,

Šķiet, tāpēc ka Bārnijs ir tik laimīgs un priecīgs,

and I absolutely wasn't,

bet es nepavisam tāds nebiju,

it made it so much worse.

tas visu padarīja daudz sliktāku.

I was completely powerless to change anything in my life

Es biju pilnībā bezspēcīgs jebko savā dzīvē mainīt,

or people's perceptions of me.

mainīt cilvēku domas par mani.

I was a silent, invisible observer of how people behaved

Es klusi un neredzami vēroju cilvēku uzvedību,

when they thought no one was watching.

kad viņiem šķita, ka neviens neskatās.

Unfortunately, I wasn't only an observer.

Diemžēl es nebiju tikai vērotājs.

With no way to communicate, I became the perfect victim:

Nespējot sazināties, es kļuvu par ideālu upuri –

a defenseless object, seemingly devoid of feelings

es nespēju aizsargāties, man šķietami nebija jūtu,

that people used to play out their darkest desires.

un cilvēki to izmantoja, lai piepildītu savas nekrietnākās vēlmes.

For more than 10 years, people who were charged with my care

Vairāk nekā 10 gadus cilvēki, kam bija uzticēts mani aprūpēt,

abused me physically, verbally and sexually.

mani fiziski un vārdiski aizskāra un seksuāli izmantoja.

Despite what they thought, I did feel.

Neraugoties uz to, ko domāja viņi, es jutu.

The first time it happened,

Pirmoreiz, kad tas notika,

I was shocked and filled with disbelief.

es biju satriekts un neticības pilns.

How could they do this to me?

Kā viņi varēja man to nodarīt?

I was confused.

Es biju apmulsis.

What had I done to deserve this?

Par ko es to biju pelnījis?

Part of me wanted to cry and another part wanted to fight.

Daļa manis vēlējās raudāt, bet daļa – cīnīties.

Hurt, sadness and anger flooded through me.

Mani pārpludināja sāpes, skumjas un dusmas.

I felt worthless.

Es jutos nevērtīgs.

There was no one to comfort me.

Nebija neviena, kas mani mierinātu.

But neither of my parents knew this was happening.

Mani vecāki nezināja par notiekošo.

I lived in terror, knowing it would happen again and again.

Es dzīvoju šausmās, zinot, ka tas notiks atkal un atkal.

I just never knew when.

Es tikai nezināju, kad.

All I knew was that I would never be the same.

Es zināju tikai to, ka vairs nekad nebūšu, kāds biju.

I remember once listening to Whitney Houston singing,

Es atceros, ka reiz klausījos, kā Vitnija Hjūstone dzied:

"No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity."

"Lai ko man atņemtu, man neatņems godu."

And I thought to myself, "You want to bet?"

Es nodomāju pie sevis: "Gribi saderēt?"

Perhaps my parents could have found out and could have helped.

Iespējams, mani vecāki būtu varējuši uzzināt un palīdzēt.

But the years of constant caretaking,

Tomēr gadiem ilgā manis aprūpēšana,

having to wake up every two hours to turn me,

mošanās, lai ik pēc divām stundām mani pagrieztu,

combined with them essentially grieving the loss of their son,

un sēras par dēla zaudējumu

had taken a toll on my mother and father.

negatīvi ietekmēja manu māti un tēvu.

Following yet another heated argument between my parents,

Pēc vēl viena karsta strīda vecāku starpā,

in a moment of despair and desperation,

izmisuma un bezcerības brīdī,

my mother turned to me and told me that I should die.

mana māte pagriezās pret mani un teica, ka vēlas, kaut es nomirtu.

I was shocked, but as I thought about what she had said,

Es biju satriekts, bet, apdomājot viņas teikto,

I was filled with enormous compassion and love for my mother,

mani pārņēma milzīga līdzjūtība un mīlestība pret savu māti,

yet I could do nothing about it.

tomēr es neko nespēju izdarīt.

There were many moments when I gave up,

Es daudzkārt padevos,

sinking into a dark abyss.

iegrimstot tumšā bezdibenī.

I remember one particularly low moment.

Es atceros kādu īpaši smagu brīdi.

My dad left me alone in the car

Mans tēvs atstāja mani mašīnā vienu,

while he quickly went to buy something from the store.

bet pats uz brīdi iegāja veikalā, lai kaut ko nopirktu.

A random stranger walked past,

Garām gāja kāds svešinieks –

looked at me and he smiled.

viņš paskatījās uz mani un pasmaidīja.

I may never know why, but that simple act,

Es nezinu, kāpēc, bet šī vienkāršā rīcība,

the fleeting moment of human connection,

šī gaistošā mirkļa cilvēciskā saikne

transformed how I was feeling,

mainīja manas sajūtas,

making me want to keep going.

radot manī vēlmi nepadoties.

My existence was tortured by monotony,

Manu eksistenci mocīja monotonija,

a reality that was often too much to bear.

realitāte, kuru bieži vien bija pārāk grūti izturēt.

Alone with my thoughts, I constructed intricate fantasies

Vienatnē ar savām domām es radīju sarežģītas fantāzijas

about ants running across the floor.

par skudrām, kas skrien pa grīdu.

I taught myself to tell the time by noticing where the shadows were.

Es iemācījos noteikt laiku pēc ēnu atrašanās vietas.

As I learned how the shadows moved as the hours of the day passed,

Iegaumējot, kā ēnas pārvietojas, diennakts stundām ritot,

I understood how long it would be before I was picked up and taken home.

es zināju, pēc cik ilga laika man atbrauks pakaļ un aizvedīs mājās.

Seeing my father walk through the door to collect me

Redzēt savu tēvu ienākam pa durvīm, lai vestu mani mājās,

was the best moment of the day.

bija dienas labākais brīdis.

My mind became a tool that I could use

Mans prāts kļuva par rīku, ko es varēju izmantot,

to either close down to retreat from my reality

lai noslēgtos, izbēgtu no realitātes

or enlarge into a gigantic space that I could fill with fantasies.

vai izplestos milzīgā telpā, ko varēju piepildīt ar fantāzijām.

I hoped that my reality would change

Es cerēju, ka mana realitāte mainīsies

and someone would see that I had come back to life.

un kāds pamanīs, ka esmu atgriezies dzīvē.

But I had been washed away like a sand castle

Tomēr es biju aizskalots kā smilšu pils,

built too close to the waves,

kas uzcelta pārāk tuvu viļņiem,

and in my place was the person people expected me to be.

un manā vietā bija cilvēks, par kādu mani uzskatīja.

To some I was Martin, a vacant shell, the vegetable,

Dažiem es biju Mārtins, tukša čaula, dārzenis,

deserving of harsh words, dismissal and even abuse.

kas pelnījis skarbus vārdus, noraidījumu un pat vardarbību.

To others, I was the tragically brain-damaged boy

Citu acīs es biju zēns ar traģisku smadzeņu bojājumu,

who had grown to become a man.

kas izaudzis par vīrieti.

Someone they were kind to and cared for.

Es biju kāds, pret ko viņi izturējās laipni un par ko rūpējās.

Good or bad, I was a blank canvas

Labs vai slikts, es biju tukšs audekls,

onto which different versions of myself were projected.

uz kura tika projicētas dažādas versijas par mani.

It took someone new to see me in a different way.

Bija jāuzrodas jaunam cilvēkam, lai uz mani paraudzītos citādi.

An aromatherapist began coming to the care home about once a week.

Uz aprūpes namu reizi nedēļā sāka nākt aromterapeite.

Whether through intuition or her attention to details

Vai nu viņas intuīcija,

vai arī spēja ievērot detaļas, ko citi neievēroja,

that others failed to notice,

she became convinced that I could understand what was being said.

radīja viņā pārliecību, ka es saprotu sacīto.

She urged my parents to have me tested by experts

Viņa mudināja manus vecākus aizvest mani uz pārbaudēm

in augmentative and alternative communication.

pie pastiprinošās un alternatīvās komunikācijas speciālistiem.

And within a year,

Gada laikā

I was beginning to use a computer program to communicate.

es sāku saziņai izmantot datorprogrammu.

It was exhilarating, but frustrating at times.

Tas mani ļoti iepriecināja, bet reizēm arī kaitināja.

I had so many words in my mind,

Man prātā bija tik daudz vārdu,

that I couldn't wait to be able to share them.

ka nevarēju vien sagaidīt, kad varēšu tos izteikt.

Sometimes, I would say things to myself simply because I could.

Reizēm es pats sev kaut ko teicu vienkārši tāpēc, ka es to varēju.

In myself, I had a ready audience,

Es pats sev biju gatavs klausītājs,

and I believed that by expressing my thoughts and wishes,

un es ticēju – ja izteikšu savas domas un vēlmes,

others would listen, too.

manī ieklausīsies arī citi.

But as I began to communicate more,

Bet, sākot sazināties arvien vairāk,

I realized that it was in fact only just the beginning

es sapratu, ka tas patiesībā ir tikai sākums,

of creating a new voice for myself.

lai izveidotu sev jaunu balsi.

I was thrust into a world I didn't quite know how to function in.

Es biju iesviests pasaulē, kurā īsti nepratu funkcionēt.

I stopped going to the care home

Es vairs neapmeklēju aprūpes namu

and managed to get my first job making photocopies.

un atradu savu pirmo darbu – es izgatavoju fotokopijas.

As simple as this may sound, it was amazing.

Lai gan tas izklausās ļoti vienkārši, tas bija lieliski.

My new world was really exciting

Mana jaunā pasaule bija patiesi aizraujoša,

but often quite overwhelming and frightening.

bet visai bieži tā bija pārāk piesātināta un biedējoša.

I was like a man-child,

Es vienlaikus biju vīrietis un bērns –

and as liberating as it often was,

lai gan tas bieži vien atviegloja dzīvi,

I struggled.

man gāja grūti.

I also learned that many of those who had known me for a long time

Es sapratu arī to, ka daudzi, kas mani pazinuši ilgu laiku,

found it impossible to abandon the idea of Martin they had in their heads.

nespēj atteikties no tās idejas par Mārtinu, kas mita viņu galvās.

While those I had only just met

Savukārt nesen iepazītiem cilvēkiem

struggled to look past the image of a silent man in a wheelchair.

bija grūti manī ieraudzīt ko vairāk nekā klusējošu vīrieti ratiņkrēslā.

I realized that some people would only listen to me

Es apjautu, ka daži cilvēki manī klausījās tikai tad,

if what I said was in line with what they expected.

ja manis teiktais atbilda viņu gaidām.

Otherwise, it was disregarded

Citādi viņi mani neņēma vērā

and they did what they felt was best.

un rīkojās tā, kā viņiem šķita labāk.

I discovered that true communication

Es sapratu, ka patiesa saziņa

is about more than merely physically conveying a message.

nav tikai fiziska ziņas nodošana.

It is about getting the message heard and respected.

Saziņa ir ziņas uzklausīšana un cienīšana.

Still, things were going well.

Lai vai kā, gāja labi.

My body was slowly getting stronger.

Mans ķermenis lēnām kļuva stiprāks.

I had a job in computing that I loved,

Man bija darbs datorsistēmu jomā, kas man patika,

and had even got Kojak, the dog I had been dreaming about for years.

un pat Kodžaks – suns, par kuru es biju sapņojis gadiem ilgi.

However, I longed to share my life with someone.

Tomēr es ilgojos pēc kāda, ar ko dalīt savu dzīvi.

I remember staring out the window as my dad drove me home from work,

Es atceros, kā lūkojos pa logu, kad tētis veda mani mājās no darba,

thinking I have so much love inside of me and nobody to give it to.

un domāju – manī ir tik daudz mīlestības, bet nav neviena, kam to sniegt.

Just as I had resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life,

Tiklīdz biju padevies un nolēmis, ka būšu viens visu atlikušo dzīvi,

I met Joan.

es satiku Džoanu.

Not only is she the best thing that has ever happened to me,

Viņa ir ne vien labākais, kas ar mani jebkad noticis,

but Joan helped me to challenge my own misconceptions about myself.

bet Džoana arī palīdzēja man

atbrīvoties no paša maldīgajiem priekšstatiem par sevi.

Joan said it was through my words that she fell in love with me.

Džoana teica, ka tieši mani vārdi lika viņai manī iemīlēties.

However, after all I had been through,

Tomēr pēc visa pārciestā es joprojām nespēju tikt vaļā no pārliecības,

I still couldn't shake the belief

that nobody could truly see beyond my disability

ka neviens nespēj paraudzīties pāri manai invaliditātei

and accept me for who I am.

un pieņemt mani tādu, kāds esmu.

I also really struggled to comprehend that I was a man.

Man bija arī grūti aptvert, ka esmu vīrietis.

The first time someone referred to me as a man,

Pirmoreiz, kad kāds runāja par mani kā vīrieti,

it stopped me in my tracks.

es pavisam samulsu.

I felt like looking around and asking, "Who, me?"

Es gandrīz vai gribēju jautāt: “Jūs par mani?”

That all changed with Joan.

Kopā ar Džoanu viss mainījās.

We have an amazing connection

Mums ir brīnišķīga saikne,

and I learned how important it is to communicate openly and honestly.

un es esmu sapratis, cik liela nozīme ir atvērtai un godīgai saziņai.

I felt safe, and it gave me the confidence to truly say what I thought.

Es jutos drošībā, un tas man deva drosmi teikt, ko patiešām domāju.

I started to feel whole again, a man worthy of love.

Es atkal jutos pilnvērtīgs – kā vīrietis, kas pelnījis mīlestību.

I began to reshape my destiny.

Es sāku mainīt savu likteni.

I spoke up a little more at work.

Darbā biežāk izteicu savu viedokli.

I asserted my need for independence to the people around me.

Es paziņoju apkārtējiem, ka man vajadzīga neatkarība.

Being given a means of communication changed everything.

Spēja sazināties mainīja visu.

I used the power of words and will to challenge the preconceptions

Es izmantoju vārdu spēku un gribu, lai apstrīdētu priekšstatus,

of those around me and those I had of myself.

kas par mani bija radušies apkārtējiem un man pašam.

Communication is what makes us human,

Saziņa padara mūs par cilvēkiem,

enabling us to connect on the deepest level

ļaujot izveidot patiesi dziļu saikni ar apkārtējiem,

with those around us --

telling our own stories,

ļaujot atklāt savus stāstus,

expressing wants, needs and desires,

izteikt savu gribu, vajadzības un vēlmes

or hearing those of others by really listening.

un, patiesi ieklausoties, sadzirdēt citus.

All this is how the world knows who we are.

Tā pasaule uzzina, kas mēs esam.

So who are we without it?

Kas gan mēs būtu bez saziņas?

True communication increases understanding

Patiesa saziņa palielina sapratni

and creates a more caring and compassionate world.

un padara pasauli laipnāku un iejūtīgāku.

Once, I was perceived to be an inanimate object,

Mani reiz uzskatīja par nedzīvu priekšmetu,

a mindless phantom of a boy in a wheelchair.

domāt nespējošu zēna rēgu ratiņkrēslā.

Today, I am so much more.

Šodien es esmu tik daudz kas vairāk.

A husband, a son, a friend,

Esmu vīrs, dēls, draugs,

a brother, a business owner, a first-class honors graduate,

brālis, uzņēmuma īpašnieks, absolvents-izcilnieks,

a keen amateur photographer.

aizrautīgs amatierfotogrāfs.

It is my ability to communicate that has given me all this.

To visu man sniegusi spēja sazināties.

We are told that actions speak louder than words.

Runā, ka rīcība pasaka vairāk nekā vārdi.

But I wonder,

Tomēr es prātoju –

do they?

vai tiešām tā ir?

Our words, however we communicate them,

Mūsu vārdi, lai kā mēs tos izteiktu,

are just as powerful.

ir vienlīdz nozīmīgi.

Whether we speak the words with our own voices,

Vienalga, vai mēs vārdus izrunājam pašu balsī,

type them with our eyes,

rakstām tos ar acīm

or communicate them non-verbally to someone who speaks them for us,

vai nododam neverbāli kādam, kas tos izsaka mūsu vietā,

words are among our most powerful tools.

vārdi ir viens no mūsu spēcīgākajiem ieročiem.

I have come to you through a terrible darkness,

Es esmu nonācis pie jums caur briesmīgu tumsu,

pulled from it by caring souls

no kuras mani izvilka gādīgi cilvēki

and by language itself.

un pati valoda.

The act of you listening to me today brings me farther into the light.

Tas, ka šodien manī klausāties, ved mani vēl tuvāk gaismai.

We are shining here together.

Mēs šeit mirdzam kopā.

If there is one most difficult obstacle to my way of communicating,

Vislielākais šķērslis manā saziņas veidā

it is that sometimes I want to shout

ir tas, ka reizēm es vēlos kliegt,

and other times simply to whisper a word of love or gratitude.

bet citreiz vienkārši čukstēt mīlestības vai pateicības pilnus vārdus.

It all sounds the same.

Tas viss izklausās vienādi.

But if you will,

Tomēr, ja varat,

please imagine these next two words as warmly as you can:

lūdzu, iztēlojieties nākamo vārdu cik vien iespējams sirsnīgu:

Thank you.

Paldies.

(Applause)

(Aplausi)