How My Mind Came Back to Life — and No One Knew | Martin Pistorius | TED Talks

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Sonja Žarić

Imagine being unable to say, "I am hungry," "I am in pain,"

Zamislite da ne možete reći: "Gladan sam", "Boli me",

"thank you," or "I love you."

"Hvala ti" ili "Volim te."

Being trapped inside your body,

Zamislite da ste zatočeni u vlastitom tijelu,

a body that doesn't respond to commands.

u tijelu koje ne reagira na zapovjedi.

Surrounded by people,

Okruženi ljudima,

yet utterly alone.

a potpuno sami.

Wishing you could reach out,

Želite potražiti pomoć,

to connect, to comfort, to participate.

povezati se s drugima, utješiti, sudjelovati.

For 13 long years, that was my reality.

Trinaest godina to je bila moja stvarnost.

Most of us never think twice about talking, about communicating.

Većina nas uopće ne obraća pažnju na govor i komunikaciju.

I've thought a lot about it.

Ja sam puno razmišljao o tome.

I've had a lot of time to think.

Imao sam puno vremena za to.

For the first 12 years of my life,

Prvih dvanaest godina života

I was a normal, happy, healthy little boy.

bio sam normalan, sretan, zdrav dječak.

Then everything changed.

I onda se sve promijenilo.

I contracted a brain infection.

Zaradio sam upalu mozga.

The doctors weren't sure what it was,

Doktori nisu bili sigurni što je to,

but they treated me the best they could.

ali liječili su me najbolje što su mogli,

However, I progressively got worse.

no bilo mi je sve gore.

Eventually, I lost my ability to control my movements,

Naposljetku sam izgubio kontrolu nad vlastitim pokretima,

make eye contact,

očima

and finally, my ability to speak.

i sposobnošću govora.

While in hospital,

Dok sam bio u bolnici,

I desperately wanted to go home.

očajnički sam htio kući.

I said to my mother, "When home?"

Rekao sam majci: "Kad kući?"

Those were the last words I ever spoke with my own voice.

To su bile zadnje riječi koje sam izrekao svojim glasom.

I would eventually fail every test for mental awareness.

Kasnije sam pao na svakom testu mentalne svijesti.

My parents were told I was as good as not there.

Mojim su roditeljima rekli da je to kao da me nema.

A vegetable, having the intelligence of a three-month-old baby.

Biljka, inteligencije tromjesečnog djeteta.

They were told to take me home and try to keep me comfortable

Rekli su im da me odvedu kući i da paze da imam sve što mi treba

until I died.

dok ne umrem.

My parents, in fact my entire family's lives,

Živote mojih roditelja i cijele moje obitelji

became consumed by taking care of me the best they knew how.

obuzeli su pokušaji pružanja mi najbolje njege.

Their friends drifted away.

Prijatelji su im nestali.

One year turned to two,

Godina se pretvorila u dvije,

two turned to three.

dvije u tri.

It seemed like the person I once was began to disappear.

Činilo se kao da je osoba kakva sam nekoć bio, počela nestajati.

The Lego blocks and electronic circuits I'd loved as a boy were put away.

Maknuli su lego-kocke i elektroničke sklopove koje sam kao dijete obožavao.

I had been moved out of my bedroom into another more practical one.

Iselili su me iz moje sobu u praktičniju sobu.

I had become a ghost,

Postao sam duh,

a faded memory of a boy people once knew and loved.

izblijedjelo sjećanje na dječaka kojeg su poznavali i voljeli.

Meanwhile, my mind began knitting itself back together.

U međuvremenu se moj um počeo ponovno spajati.

Gradually, my awareness started to return.

S vremenom se moja svijest počela vraćati,

But no one realized that I had come back to life.

ali nitko nije shvatio da sam se vratio među žive.

I was aware of everything,

Bio sam svjestan svega,

just like any normal person.

baš poput normalne osobe.

I could see and understand everything,

Mogao sam vidjeti i razumjeti sve,

but I couldn't find a way to let anybody know.

ali nisam znao kako druge izvijestiti o tome.

My personality was entombed within a seemingly silent body,

Moja je osobnost bila zatočena u naizgled tihom tijelu,

a vibrant mind hidden in plain sight within a chrysalis.

rezonantan um, skriven pred nosom, u kukuljici.

The stark reality hit me that I was going to spend

Shvatio sam da ću provesti

the rest of my life locked inside myself,

ostatak života zaključan u sebi,

totally alone.

potpuno sam.

I was trapped with only my thoughts for company.

Bio sam zarobljen i samo su mi vlastite misli pravile društvo.

I would never be rescued.

Nikad neću biti spašen.

No one would ever show me tenderness.

Nitko mi nikada neće pokazati nježnost.

I would never talk to a friend.

Nikad neću razgovarati s prijateljem.

No one would ever love me.

Nitko me nikada neće voljeti.

I had no dreams, no hope, nothing to look forward to.

Nisam imao ni snova ni nade, niti išta što bih iščekivao,

Well, nothing pleasant.

barem ne ništa pozitivno.

I lived in fear,

Živio sam u strahu

and, to put it bluntly,

i, grubo rečeno,

was waiting for death to finally release me,

čekao sam da me smrt konačno oslobodi

expecting to die all alone in a care home.

očekujući da ću umrijeti sam u domu za njegu.

I don't know if it's truly possible to express in words

Ne znam je li moguće riječima izraziti

what it's like not to be able to communicate.

kako je to ne moći komunicirati.

Your personality appears to vanish into a heavy fog

Vaša osobnost nestaje pod gustom maglom

and all of your emotions and desires are constricted, stifled and muted within you.

i sve se vaše emocije i želje sužavaju, guše i prigušuju u vama.

For me, the worst was the feeling of utter powerlessness.

Meni je najgori bio osjećaj strašne nemoći.

I simply existed.

Samo sam postojao.

It's a very dark place to find yourself

Mračno je to stanje u kojem se zateknete

because in a sense, you have vanished.

jer ste na neki način nestali.

Other people controlled every aspect of my life.

Drugi ljudi kontrolirali su svaki aspekt mog života.

They decided what I ate and when.

Odlučivali su što ću jesti i kada.

Whether I was laid on my side or strapped into my wheelchair.

Odlučivali su hoću li ležati na boku ili ću biti u kolicima.

I often spent my days positioned in front of the TV

Često sam svoje dane provodio pred TV-om

watching Barney reruns.

gledajući reprize Barneya,

I think because Barney is so happy and jolly,

vjerojatno zato što je Barney bio toliko sretan, veseo,

and I absolutely wasn't,

a ja nimalo.

it made it so much worse.

Zbog toga je sve bilo još gore.

I was completely powerless to change anything in my life

Bio sam potpuno nemoćan promijeniti bilo što u svom životu

or people's perceptions of me.

ili način na koji me drugi vide.

I was a silent, invisible observer of how people behaved

Tiho, nevidljivo sam promatrao kako se ljudi ponašaju

when they thought no one was watching.

kad misle da ih nitko ne gleda.

Unfortunately, I wasn't only an observer.

Nažalost, nisam bio samo promatrač.

With no way to communicate, I became the perfect victim:

Budući da nisam imao kako komunicirati, postao sam savršena žrtva:

a defenseless object, seemingly devoid of feelings

bespomoćan objekt naizgled lišen osjećaja

that people used to play out their darkest desires.

kojeg su ljudi koristili kako bi ostvarili svoje najmračnije želje.

For more than 10 years, people who were charged with my care

Više od deset godina ljudi koji su bili zaduženi za brigu o meni

abused me physically, verbally and sexually.

zlostavljali su me fizički, verbalno i seksualno.

Despite what they thought, I did feel.

Unatoč svemu što su oni mislili, ja ipak jesam osjećao.

The first time it happened,

Kad se prvi put dogodilo,

I was shocked and filled with disbelief.

bio sam u strašnom šoku i nevjerici.

How could they do this to me?

Kako su mi to mogli učiniti?

I was confused.

Bio sam zbunjen.

What had I done to deserve this?

Čime sam to zaslužio?

Part of me wanted to cry and another part wanted to fight.

Dio mene htio je plakati, a drugi se htio boriti.

Hurt, sadness and anger flooded through me.

Ispunili su me bol, tuga i ljutnja.

I felt worthless.

Osjećao sam se bezvrijedno.

There was no one to comfort me.

Nisam imao nikoga da me utješi.

But neither of my parents knew this was happening.

Moji roditelji nisu znali da se to događa.

I lived in terror, knowing it would happen again and again.

Živio sam u strahu znajući da će se to neprestano ponavljati,

I just never knew when.

samo što nisam znao kada.

All I knew was that I would never be the same.

Znao sam samo da više nikada neću biti isti.

I remember once listening to Whitney Houston singing,

Sjećam se da sam jednom prilikom slušao Whitney Houston kako pjeva:

"No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity."

"Neka mi uzmu sve što hoće, ali dostojanstvo mi uzeti neće."

And I thought to myself, "You want to bet?"

I pomislih: "Jesi sigurna?"

Perhaps my parents could have found out and could have helped.

Možda su moji roditelji i mogli sve otkriti i pomoći mi,

But the years of constant caretaking,

ali godine pružanja konstantne skrbi,

having to wake up every two hours to turn me,

to što su se morali svaka dva sata buditi da me okrenu,

combined with them essentially grieving the loss of their son,

u kombinaciji s onim što je zapravo bilo oplakivanje sina

had taken a toll on my mother and father.

ostavilo je posljedice na mami i tati.

Following yet another heated argument between my parents,

Nakon još jedne žučne rasprave između mojih roditelja,

in a moment of despair and desperation,

u trenutku očaja i očajavanja,

my mother turned to me and told me that I should die.

mama mi je prišla i rekla mi da bih trebao umrijeti.

I was shocked, but as I thought about what she had said,

Bio sam u šoku, ali razmislio sam o tome što je rekla.

I was filled with enormous compassion and love for my mother,

Osjetio sam snažno suosjećanje i ljubav prema majci,

yet I could do nothing about it.

a nisam joj nikako mogao pomoći.

There were many moments when I gave up,

Često sam odustajao

sinking into a dark abyss.

i padao u ponor.

I remember one particularly low moment.

Sjećam se jednog posebno mračnog trenutka.

My dad left me alone in the car

Tata me ostavio samog u autu

while he quickly went to buy something from the store.

i nabrzinu otišao po nešto u trgovinu.

A random stranger walked past,

Pored auta prošao je neki stranac,

looked at me and he smiled.

pogledao me i nasmiješio se.

I may never know why, but that simple act,

Možda nikad neću znati zašto, ali taj jednostavan čin,

the fleeting moment of human connection,

taj prolazni trenutak povezanosti s drugima

transformed how I was feeling,

promijenio je moje raspoloženje,

making me want to keep going.

poželio sam ne odustati.

My existence was tortured by monotony,

Moje postojanje pratila je monotonija,

a reality that was often too much to bear.

stvarnost koju je često bilo teško podnositi.

Alone with my thoughts, I constructed intricate fantasies

Sam sa svojim mislima, stvarao sam zamršene fantazije

about ants running across the floor.

o mravima koji trče po podu.

I taught myself to tell the time by noticing where the shadows were.

Naučio sam se pogađati koliko je sati primjećujući položaj sjena.

As I learned how the shadows moved as the hours of the day passed,

Učeći pokrete sjena dok su prolazili sati,

I understood how long it would be before I was picked up and taken home.

znao sam koliko još moram izdržati prije nego me roditelji pokupe i odvezu kući.

Seeing my father walk through the door to collect me

Prizor mog oca kako me dolazi pokupiti

was the best moment of the day.

bio mi je najbolji dio dana.

My mind became a tool that I could use

Moj je um postao alat koji sam mogao koristiti

to either close down to retreat from my reality

ili da se zatvorim, da pobjegnem od svoje stvarnosti

or enlarge into a gigantic space that I could fill with fantasies.

ili da ga pretvorim u ogroman prostor koji bih napunio svojim maštarijama.

I hoped that my reality would change

Nadao sam se promjeni moje stvarnosti,

and someone would see that I had come back to life.

da će netko primijetiti da sam se vratio u život,

But I had been washed away like a sand castle

no isprali su me poput kule u pijesku

built too close to the waves,

sagrađene preblizu valovima,

and in my place was the person people expected me to be.

a umjesto mene postavljena je osoba koju su ljudi očekivali da predstavljam.

To some I was Martin, a vacant shell, the vegetable,

Za neke sam bio Martin, prazna ljuštura, biljka

deserving of harsh words, dismissal and even abuse.

vrijedna grubih riječi, odbijanja, pa čak i zlostavljanja.

To others, I was the tragically brain-damaged boy

Za druge sam bio dječak s tragičnom pričom o poremećaju mozga

who had grown to become a man.

koji je odrastao u muškarca.

Someone they were kind to and cared for.

Netko prema kome su bili dragi i za koga su brinuli.

Good or bad, I was a blank canvas

Dobar ili loš, bio sam prazna ploča

onto which different versions of myself were projected.

na koju su se projicirale različite verzije mene.

It took someone new to see me in a different way.

Da bih bio viđen u drugačijem svjetlu, trebala je nova osoba.

An aromatherapist began coming to the care home about once a week.

U Dom za njegu jednom tjedno počela je dolaziti aromaterapeutkinja

Whether through intuition or her attention to details

koja je ili pomoću intuicije ili pomoću oka za detalje

that others failed to notice,

uočila ono što je drugima promicalo

she became convinced that I could understand what was being said.

te je postala uvjerena da ja razumijem što se govori.

She urged my parents to have me tested by experts

Nagovorila je moje roditelje da me daju na stručno testiranje

in augmentative and alternative communication.

augmentativne i alternativne komunikacije.

And within a year,

Tijekom godine dana

I was beginning to use a computer program to communicate.

počeo sam koristiti računalni program za komunikaciju

It was exhilarating, but frustrating at times.

Bilo je uzbudljivo, ali ponekada i frustrirajuće.

I had so many words in my mind,

U mom umu bilo je toliko riječi

that I couldn't wait to be able to share them.

koje sam jedva čekao podijeliti s nekim.

Sometimes, I would say things to myself simply because I could.

Ponekad bih si govorio nešto samo zato što sam mogao.

In myself, I had a ready audience,

U sebi sam imao publiku

and I believed that by expressing my thoughts and wishes,

i vjerovao sam da ću izražavajući svoje misli i želje

others would listen, too.

i druge navesti da slušaju.

But as I began to communicate more,

No, kako sam počeo sve više komunicirati,

I realized that it was in fact only just the beginning

shvatio sam da je to tek početak

of creating a new voice for myself.

stvaranja mog novog glasa.

I was thrust into a world I didn't quite know how to function in.

Bačen sam u svijet u kojem nisam znao funkcionirati.

I stopped going to the care home

Prestao sam ići u Dom za njegu

and managed to get my first job making photocopies.

i dobio prvi posao u kopiraonici.

As simple as this may sound, it was amazing.

Zvuči jednostavno, ali bilo je sjajno.

My new world was really exciting

Moj novi svijet bio je uistinu uzbudljiv,

but often quite overwhelming and frightening.

ali često mi je to bilo i malo preteško i zastrašujuće.

I was like a man-child,

Bio sam dijete muškarac

and as liberating as it often was,

i koliko god je to ponekad bilo oslobađajuće,

I struggled.

mučio sam se.

I also learned that many of those who had known me for a long time

Također sam shvatio da mnogi koji su me dugo poznavali

found it impossible to abandon the idea of Martin they had in their heads.

nikako nisu mogli napustiti ideju Martina koju su stvorili u svojim glavama,

While those I had only just met

no oni koje sam tek upoznao

struggled to look past the image of a silent man in a wheelchair.

teško da su vidjeli dalje od šutljivog muškarca u kolicima.

I realized that some people would only listen to me

Shvatio sam da će me neki ljudi slušati

if what I said was in line with what they expected.

jedino ako kažem nešto u okviru onoga što oni od mene očekuju.

Otherwise, it was disregarded

U protivnom su me ignorirali

and they did what they felt was best.

i radili ono što su mislili da je najbolje.

I discovered that true communication

Shvatio sam da je istinska komunikacija

is about more than merely physically conveying a message.

više od fizičkog prijenosa poruke -

It is about getting the message heard and respected.

poruka se mora čuti i poštovati.

Still, things were going well.

No, sve je išlo dobro.

My body was slowly getting stronger.

Moje je tijelo polako bivalo sve jače.

I had a job in computing that I loved,

Imao sam posao u računarstvu koji sam obožavao,

and had even got Kojak, the dog I had been dreaming about for years.

a čak sam imao i Kojaka, psa o kojem sam godinama sanjao.

However, I longed to share my life with someone.

Međutim, umirao sam od želje da svoj život podijelim s nekim.

I remember staring out the window as my dad drove me home from work,

Jednom sam gledao kroz prozor dok me tata vozio s posla

thinking I have so much love inside of me and nobody to give it to.

i razmišljao o tome koliko ljubavi imam koju nemam kome dati.

Just as I had resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life,

Baš kad sam se pomirio s tim da ću biti sam do kraja života,

I met Joan.

upoznao sam Joan.

Not only is she the best thing that has ever happened to me,

Joan, ne samo da je najbolja stvar koja mi se ikad dogodila

but Joan helped me to challenge my own misconceptions about myself.

već mi je i pomogla razbiti vlastite zablude koje sam imao o sebi.

Joan said it was through my words that she fell in love with me.

Rekla je da se u mene zaljubila kroz moje riječi,

However, after all I had been through,

no nakon svega što sam prošao,

I still couldn't shake the belief

teško mi je bilo povjerovati

that nobody could truly see beyond my disability

da bi itko mogao vidjeti dalje od mog invaliditeta

and accept me for who I am.

i prihvatiti me takvog kakav jesam.

I also really struggled to comprehend that I was a man.

Također mi je bilo teško shvatiti da sam muškarac.

The first time someone referred to me as a man,

Kad su me prvi put oslovili kao muškarca,

it stopped me in my tracks.

smrznuo sam se.

I felt like looking around and asking, "Who, me?"

Poželio sam pogledati uokolo i pitati: "Tko, ja?"

That all changed with Joan.

Sve se to promijenilo kad sam upoznao Joan.

We have an amazing connection

Imamo nevjerojatnu povezanost

and I learned how important it is to communicate openly and honestly.

i naučio sam koliko je važno komunicirati otvoreno i iskreno.

I felt safe, and it gave me the confidence to truly say what I thought.

Osjećao sam se sigurno, a to mi je dalo hrabrost da govorim što zaista mislim.

I started to feel whole again, a man worthy of love.

Ponovno sam se počeo osjećati potpuno, kao muškarac vrijedan ljubavi.

I began to reshape my destiny.

Počeo sam preoblikovati svoju sudbinu.

I spoke up a little more at work.

Počeo sam se više zauzimati za sebe na poslu,

I asserted my need for independence to the people around me.

ljudima oko sebe izrazio sam svoju potrebu za neovisnošću.

Being given a means of communication changed everything.

To što sam dobio sredstvo komuniciranja promijenilo je sve.

I used the power of words and will to challenge the preconceptions

Pomoću moći riječi i volje razbijao sam predrasude

of those around me and those I had of myself.

koje su imali ljudi oko mene, pa čak i ja sam.

Communication is what makes us human,

Komunikacija nas čini ljudima,

enabling us to connect on the deepest level

omogućava nam da se povezujemo na najvišoj razini

with those around us --

s onima oko nas -

telling our own stories,

pričajući vlastite priče,

expressing wants, needs and desires,

izražavajući želje, potrebe i težnje

or hearing those of others by really listening.

ili slušajući druge, zaista slušajući.

All this is how the world knows who we are.

Tako svijet zna tko smo mi.

So who are we without it?

Tko smo mi bez nje?

True communication increases understanding

Istinska komunikacija povećava razumijevanje

and creates a more caring and compassionate world.

i stvara brižniji i suosjećajniji svijet.

Once, I was perceived to be an inanimate object,

Nekoć su na mene gledali kao na neživo biće,

a mindless phantom of a boy in a wheelchair.

nesvjesnog fantoma dječaka u kolicima.

Today, I am so much more.

Danas sam puno više -

A husband, a son, a friend,

muž, sin, prijatelj,

a brother, a business owner, a first-class honors graduate,

brat, vlasnik poduzeća, diplomirani student počasne prve klase,

a keen amateur photographer.

vješt fotograf amater.

It is my ability to communicate that has given me all this.

Moja sposobnost komunikacije pružila mi je sve to.

We are told that actions speak louder than words.

Govore nam da djela govore više od riječi,

But I wonder,

ali ja se pitam

do they?

je li to uistinu tako.

Our words, however we communicate them,

Naše riječi, bez obzira na to kako ih prenosimo.

are just as powerful.

jednako su moćne.

Whether we speak the words with our own voices,

Bez obzira na to izgovaramo li ih vlastitim glasom,

type them with our eyes,

istipkamo ih očima

or communicate them non-verbally to someone who speaks them for us,

ili ih prenosimo neverbalno nekome tko ih izgovara za nas,

words are among our most powerful tools.

riječi su jedno od naših najmoćnijih alata.

I have come to you through a terrible darkness,

Došao sam vam kroz strašnu tamu

pulled from it by caring souls

iz koje su me izvukle brižne duše

and by language itself.

i sam jezik.

The act of you listening to me today brings me farther into the light.

To što me vi danas slušate još me više približava svjetlu.

We are shining here together.

Ovdje zajedno svijetlimo.

If there is one most difficult obstacle to my way of communicating,

Jedina preostala poteškoća u mom načinu komunikacije

it is that sometimes I want to shout

jest to što ponekad želim vikati,

and other times simply to whisper a word of love or gratitude.

a ponekad želim samo prošaptati riječ ljubavi ili zahvalnosti.

It all sounds the same.

Sve zvuči isto.

But if you will,

No, molim vas,

please imagine these next two words as warmly as you can:

zamislite sljedeće dvije riječi najtoplije što možete:

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)