How My Mind Came Back to Life — and No One Knew | Martin Pistorius | TED Talks

翻译人员: Han Guo 校对人员: chordy left

Imagine being unable to say, "I am hungry," "I am in pain,"

想象一下不能说出“我饿了”，“我好疼”

"thank you," or "I love you."

“谢谢”以及“我爱你”的情形

Being trapped inside your body,

被束缚在自己的身体里

a body that doesn't respond to commands.

一个不能作出响应的身体

Surrounded by people,

尽管被人群包围

yet utterly alone.

但却沉浸在无尽的孤独中

Wishing you could reach out,

极力想要接触身边的人群

to connect, to comfort, to participate.

去联系、去安抚、去参与

For 13 long years, that was my reality.

这就是我十三年来的处境

Most of us never think twice about talking, about communicating.

几乎没有人仔细的关注过 自己的言谈和交流

I've thought a lot about it.

我却思考了非常非常多

I've had a lot of time to think.

我有很多时间去想这些事

For the first 12 years of my life,

在我生命中的前十二年中

I was a normal, happy, healthy little boy.

我曾是一个平常的、活泼的、健康的男孩

Then everything changed.

但是后来一切都发生了翻天覆地的变化

I contracted a brain infection.

我不幸罹患脑部感染

The doctors weren't sure what it was,

我的医生不确定我感染了何物

but they treated me the best they could.

但是他们尽全力医治我

However, I progressively got worse.

但是我的病情急剧恶化

Eventually, I lost my ability to control my movements,

后来，我失去了控制自己行动的能力

make eye contact,

失去了用眼神沟通的能力

and finally, my ability to speak.

最终，失去了说话的能力

While in hospital,

当我还在医院的时候

I desperately wanted to go home.

我近乎绝望地想要回到家中

I said to my mother, "When home?"

我对我的母亲说

“什么时候 回家？”

Those were the last words I ever spoke with my own voice.

这是我自己说出的最后几个字

I would eventually fail every test for mental awareness.

后来，我没有通过任何一个心理意识测验

My parents were told I was as good as not there.

我的父母被告知

我是否仍在医院休养已没有太大差别

A vegetable, having the intelligence of a three-month-old baby.

在他们眼里我成了一个 和三个月婴儿智力无异的植物人

医生建议他们把我带回家

They were told to take me home and try to keep me comfortable

让我过的尽可能舒适一些

until I died.

直到我死去

My parents, in fact my entire family's lives,

我父母的，甚至是整个家庭的生活

became consumed by taking care of me the best they knew how.

都被尽可能好的照顾我而淹没

Their friends drifted away.

他们的朋友离他们远去

One year turned to two,

一年又一年

two turned to three.

It seemed like the person I once was began to disappear.

看起来原来的我逐渐消失

The Lego blocks and electronic circuits I'd loved as a boy were put away.

我爱玩的乐高积木和电路板被收了起来

I had been moved out of my bedroom into another more practical one.

我被从我的卧室搬了出来 到了另外一个更方便的房间

I had become a ghost,

我变成了一个幽灵

a faded memory of a boy people once knew and loved.

变成了一个人们模糊记忆中 曾被人们熟知和喜爱的小男孩

Meanwhile, my mind began knitting itself back together.

但是同一时间 我的意识开始逐渐缓慢复原

Gradually, my awareness started to return.

慢慢的，我的意识开始恢复了

But no one realized that I had come back to life.

但是没有人意识到我已经恢复了意识

I was aware of everything,

我可以意识到一切

just like any normal person.

就像一个完全正常的人一样

I could see and understand everything,

我可以看见也可以理解一切

but I couldn't find a way to let anybody know.

但我不知道如何让别人知道

My personality was entombed within a seemingly silent body,

我的意识像是被埋葬在 一个看起来寂静的身体里

a vibrant mind hidden in plain sight within a chrysalis.

活跃的内心被蛹束缚起来

The stark reality hit me that I was going to spend

残酷的现实狠狠的冲击了我

the rest of my life locked inside myself,

我很可能在有生之年 只能封锁在自己的身体里了

totally alone.

完完全全孤身一人

I was trapped with only my thoughts for company.

我被困住了，只有我的思考作伴

I would never be rescued.

我永远不会被解救

No one would ever show me tenderness.

不会有人对我温柔以待

I would never talk to a friend.

不会有朋友与我热心交谈

No one would ever love me.

不会有人把我视作珍宝

I had no dreams, no hope, nothing to look forward to.

我没有梦想，没有希望 没有任何事情供我去期待

Well, nothing pleasant.

没有任何可以留恋的

I lived in fear,

我活在恐惧中

and, to put it bluntly,

而且坦白地说

was waiting for death to finally release me,

我甚至期待死亡的最终解脱

expecting to die all alone in a care home.

孤独地在我心爱的家中等死

I don't know if it's truly possible to express in words

我不知道用语言表达 这种无法用语言表达的感觉

what it's like not to be able to communicate.

是否现实

Your personality appears to vanish into a heavy fog

就像你的意识看起来将要迷失在浓浓雾中

and all of your emotions and desires are constricted, stifled and muted within you.

你所有的感情和欲望 在身体里被约束、扼杀、沉寂

For me, the worst was the feeling of utter powerlessness.

对我而言，最可怕的是极度无力的感觉

I simply existed.

我在事实上是存在的

It's a very dark place to find yourself

但是你只能在非常昏暗的地方才能找到自己

because in a sense, you have vanished.

因为在某种程度上，你已经消失不见

Other people controlled every aspect of my life.

别人控制了我生命的每一个方面

They decided what I ate and when.

他们决定我吃什么、什么时候吃

Whether I was laid on my side or strapped into my wheelchair.

我是被铺放在一侧还是被绑在我的轮椅上

I often spent my days positioned in front of the TV

我经常被放置在电视机前

watching Barney reruns.

看Barney在电视上放了一遍又一遍

I think because Barney is so happy and jolly,

我想可能是因为Barney是那么的欢快活泼

and I absolutely wasn't,

而我却与它完全相反

it made it so much worse.

这让事情变得更加糟糕

I was completely powerless to change anything in my life

我无法改变生命中的任何事情

or people's perceptions of me.

对改变别人对我的认知也无能为力

I was a silent, invisible observer of how people behaved

我是一个无声的，隐形的， 观察人们行为的观察者

when they thought no one was watching.

人们以为没有人看到发生了什么

Unfortunately, I wasn't only an observer.

不幸的是，我不仅仅是一个观察者

With no way to communicate, I became the perfect victim:

由于没有沟通的能力， 我变成了完美的受害者

a defenseless object, seemingly devoid of feelings

一个没有防御的， 看起来完全没有感知的物体

that people used to play out their darkest desires.

变成了人们发泄黑暗欲望的完美工具

For more than 10 years, people who were charged with my care

超过十年来，一些本应该来照顾我的人

abused me physically, verbally and sexually.

在肢体上、言语上、性行为上虐待我

Despite what they thought, I did feel.

无论他们如何认为，我感知到了这一切

The first time it happened,

第一次发生这种事情时

I was shocked and filled with disbelief.

我被震惊所淹没

How could they do this to me?

他们怎么能这么对我

I was confused.

我非常疑惑

What had I done to deserve this?

我做了什么，竟遭受到如此对待

Part of me wanted to cry and another part wanted to fight.

我的一部分极力的想要哭泣 另外的一部分极力的想要反抗

Hurt, sadness and anger flooded through me.

伤痛、悲怆以及激愤在我心中一涌而出

I felt worthless.

我觉得自已分文不值

There was no one to comfort me.

没有人能够安慰我

But neither of my parents knew this was happening.

但我的父母不知道这些事情的发生

I lived in terror, knowing it would happen again and again.

我生活在恐惧之中 深知这一切将会一直重复下去

I just never knew when.

只是不知道何时会遭受下一次而已

All I knew was that I would never be the same.

我只知道我永远不再是曾经的自己了

I remember once listening to Whitney Houston singing,

我想起曾听到惠特尼·休斯顿唱道

"No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity."

“不论他们从我这里拿走了什么 他们永远带不走我的尊严”

And I thought to myself, "You want to bet?"

我自己想到，“你想打个赌么”

Perhaps my parents could have found out and could have helped.

也许我的父母本能够发现并给我帮助

But the years of constant caretaking,

但是经年累月的康复照看

having to wake up every two hours to turn me,

不得不每两个小时就醒来让我翻身

combined with them essentially grieving the loss of their son,

加上失去一个儿子的沉痛伤悲

had taken a toll on my mother and father.

让我的父母觉得难以招架

Following yet another heated argument between my parents,

随着父母之间的一次激烈的争吵

in a moment of despair and desperation,

在那么一个绝望的氛围之下

my mother turned to me and told me that I should die.

我的母亲看向了我对我说“你应该去死”

I was shocked, but as I thought about what she had said,

我非常震惊，但是当我思考她所说的话

I was filled with enormous compassion and love for my mother,

我感觉到了对我的母亲的巨大同情和爱

yet I could do nothing about it.

但我对此无能为力

There were many moments when I gave up,

很多次我决定放弃

sinking into a dark abyss.

不如就此沉入黑暗的深渊

I remember one particularly low moment.

我仍能记起一次极端低潮的时候

My dad left me alone in the car

我的父亲把我一个人留在车中

while he quickly went to buy something from the store.

他一个人很快的去商店里买些东西

A random stranger walked past,

一个陌生人走过

looked at me and he smiled.

看了我一眼，给了我一个微笑

I may never know why, but that simple act,

我并不知道他为何笑，但那个简单的动作

the fleeting moment of human connection,

那个转瞬间人类间的交流

transformed how I was feeling,

改变了我的想法

making me want to keep going.

让我非常想要坚持下去

My existence was tortured by monotony,

我的生命被单调折磨

a reality that was often too much to bear.

这是一个时常难以承受的现实

Alone with my thoughts, I constructed intricate fantasies

当我只与思维作伴时 我只能靠构建出的错综复杂的幻想度日

about ants running across the floor.

想象成群的蚂蚁在地板上穿行

I taught myself to tell the time by noticing where the shadows were.

我学会通过观察阴影的位置来辨别时间

As I learned how the shadows moved as the hours of the day passed,

因为我观察出阴影是如何随着时间而移动

I understood how long it would be before I was picked up and taken home.

我逐渐能够判断出离回家还需要多久时间

Seeing my father walk through the door to collect me

每次看到父亲穿过大门进来接我的一刻

was the best moment of the day.

都是那一天最美好的时候

My mind became a tool that I could use

我的思维变成了可以被我利用的工具

to either close down to retreat from my reality

我抑或压抑思维，用它来逃避现实

or enlarge into a gigantic space that I could fill with fantasies.

抑或无限扩大， 使它成为一个可以被幻想填充的巨大空间

I hoped that my reality would change

我曾是那么渴望我的处境得到改变

and someone would see that I had come back to life.

希望有人能够看出我已经重回人间

But I had been washed away like a sand castle

但我已经像一个被海浪冲刷过的

built too close to the waves,

建造得离浪头太近的沙滩城堡

and in my place was the person people expected me to be.

我的位置已经被一个人们认为的我所取代

To some I was Martin, a vacant shell, the vegetable,

对于一些人来说， 我是那个空壳植物人马丁

deserving of harsh words, dismissal and even abuse.

理应被辱骂、被忽视甚至被虐待

To others, I was the tragically brain-damaged boy

对其他人来说， 我是那个长大成人的悲剧男孩

who had grown to become a man.

曾遭受严重的脑部损伤

Someone they were kind to and cared for.

理应得到照顾和善良的对待

Good or bad, I was a blank canvas

不管是好是坏，我想是一面空白的帆布

onto which different versions of myself were projected.

上面可以投射出不同的我的样子

It took someone new to see me in a different way.

需要一个新的人从不同的视角看待我

An aromatherapist began coming to the care home about once a week.

这时一个芳香疗法专家 开始每周去一次康复中心

Whether through intuition or her attention to details

可能是因为她的直觉

that others failed to notice,

也可能是因为一些被别人忽视的细节

she became convinced that I could understand what was being said.

她逐渐确信我能理解人们所说的话

She urged my parents to have me tested by experts

她急切的要求我的父母 将我送去专家那里做检查

in augmentative and alternative communication.

进行辅助替代的交流

And within a year,

不到一年

I was beginning to use a computer program to communicate.

我开始利用电脑程序与人交流

It was exhilarating, but frustrating at times.

这是令人振奋的 但有时令人沮丧

I had so many words in my mind,

我脑海里千头万绪

that I couldn't wait to be able to share them.

但不能与人分享

Sometimes, I would say things to myself simply because I could.

有时我与自己对话 只是因为我可以这么做

In myself, I had a ready audience,

在我身体里有一个现成的观众

and I believed that by expressing my thoughts and wishes,

我相信 只要表达思想和愿望

others would listen, too.

其他人可也以听到

But as I began to communicate more,

但随着交流的增多

I realized that it was in fact only just the beginning

我意识到这其实只是

of creating a new voice for myself.

创造一个新的表达方式的开始

I was thrust into a world I didn't quite know how to function in.

我被推到了一个我不知道如何运作的世界里

I stopped going to the care home

我结束了在护理中心的生活

and managed to get my first job making photocopies.

并找到了第一份复印的工作

As simple as this may sound, it was amazing.

虽然听起来很简单 但是着实令人惊叹

My new world was really exciting

我的新世界使我兴奋

but often quite overwhelming and frightening.

但经常繁重不堪 让人恐惧

I was like a man-child,

我就像一个男孩

and as liberating as it often was,

如此自由

I struggled.

我为自己的新世界不断努力

I also learned that many of those who had known me for a long time

我发现 认识我很久的人

found it impossible to abandon the idea of Martin they had in their heads.

发现他们无法忽视我的想法

While those I had only just met

虽然 我刚认识的人

struggled to look past the image of a silent man in a wheelchair.

在努力想象这个沉默的坐在轮椅上的人 过去的样子

I realized that some people would only listen to me

我意识到有些人可以听进去我的意见

if what I said was in line with what they expected.

如果我说的正中他们下怀

Otherwise, it was disregarded

然而 我说的话会被无视

and they did what they felt was best.

他们自行其是

I discovered that true communication

我发现真正的交流

is about more than merely physically conveying a message.

不只是传递信息

It is about getting the message heard and respected.

而是让信息被听取和尊重

Still, things were going well.

然而 我的恢复情况很好

我的身体慢慢强壮起来

My body was slowly getting stronger.

I had a job in computing that I loved,

我有了一份我喜欢的计算工作

and had even got Kojak, the dog I had been dreaming about for years.

还养了一只我梦寐以求的小狗Kijak

However, I longed to share my life with someone.

但是 我渴望与他人分享我的生活

I remember staring out the window as my dad drove me home from work,

我记得 爸爸接我下班回家时 我凝视车窗

thinking I have so much love inside of me and nobody to give it to.

思考着我内心充斥快乐 但无人分享

Just as I had resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life,

就像我已经认为自己会孤独一生的时候

I met Joan.

我遇到了Joan

Not only is she the best thing that has ever happened to me,

她不仅是在我身上发生的最棒的事

but Joan helped me to challenge my own misconceptions about myself.

她还帮助我纠正了我对自己的错误认知

Joan said it was through my words that she fell in love with me.

Joan说通过我的文字 她爱上了我

However, after all I had been through,

但是 在我经历这一切后

I still couldn't shake the belief

我仍坚信

that nobody could truly see beyond my disability

没人能够真正看到我缺陷之外的部分

and accept me for who I am.

并接受真正的我

I also really struggled to comprehend that I was a man.

我努力试着理解我是一个男人

The first time someone referred to me as a man,

第一次有人把我叫做一个男人时

it stopped me in my tracks.

我停下脚步

I felt like looking around and asking, "Who, me?"

我想回头问 谁？我？

That all changed with Joan.

这些随着遇到Joan而改变

We have an amazing connection

我们有着令人惊叹的联系

and I learned how important it is to communicate openly and honestly.

我明白了坦诚交流的重要性

I felt safe, and it gave me the confidence to truly say what I thought.

我感到安全 这让我自信地表达我的真实想法

I started to feel whole again, a man worthy of love.

我开始感到生命的完整 我是一个值得被爱的人

I began to reshape my destiny.

我开始重塑命运

I spoke up a little more at work.

工作中我说更多的话

I asserted my need for independence to the people around me.

我想周围的人表达独立的愿望

Being given a means of communication changed everything.

有了交流的方式 一切都改变了

I used the power of words and will to challenge the preconceptions

我用语言的力量挑战了

of those around me and those I had of myself.

来自于身边人的和来自于自己的偏见

Communication is what makes us human,

交流是人类的特质

enabling us to connect on the deepest level

使我们能够在最深层次

with those around us --

与身边的人沟通

telling our own stories,

分享我们的故事

expressing wants, needs and desires,

表达愿望 需要和渴求

or hearing those of others by really listening.

或者倾听他人的思想

All this is how the world knows who we are.

所有这些都让这个世界知道我们是谁

So who are we without it?

如果没有交流 我们会变成什么样子

True communication increases understanding

真正的交流增进理解

and creates a more caring and compassionate world.

并且创造出富有同情心的世界

Once, I was perceived to be an inanimate object,

曾经我被预言为毫无生命的物体

a mindless phantom of a boy in a wheelchair.

一个坐在轮椅上毫无思想的幽灵

Today, I am so much more.

现在 我有了多个角色

A husband, a son, a friend,

丈夫 儿子 朋友

a brother, a business owner, a first-class honors graduate,

兄弟 老板 一等荣誉毕业生

a keen amateur photographer.

热情的业余摄影师

It is my ability to communicate that has given me all this.

是交流的能力给予我这些

We are told that actions speak louder than words.

有人告诉我们 行动比语言更有力

But I wonder,

但我想问

do they?

是这样吗

Our words, however we communicate them,

语言 无论我们怎么用它们交流

are just as powerful.

都是有力的

Whether we speak the words with our own voices,

无论我们怎样使用语言 用声音

type them with our eyes,

用眼神

or communicate them non-verbally to someone who speaks them for us,

或通过其他非口头的方式与他人交流

words are among our most powerful tools.

语言都是最有力的工具之一

I have come to you through a terrible darkness,

我经过可怕的黑暗来到你们面前

pulled from it by caring souls

被悲悯的灵魂

and by language itself.

和语言本身解救出来

The act of you listening to me today brings me farther into the light.

你们的倾听让我进一步走进光明

We are shining here together.

我们正一起发光

If there is one most difficult obstacle to my way of communicating,

如果我在交流中有一个最大的障碍

it is that sometimes I want to shout

那就是有时我想大喊

and other times simply to whisper a word of love or gratitude.

有时只想低声说出爱和感激

It all sounds the same.

但如果你能够

But if you will,

请极尽热忱地想象这两个词

please imagine these next two words as warmly as you can:

谢谢

Thank you.

（鼓掌）

(Applause)