Depression, the secret we share | Andrew Solomon

Prevoditelj: Dea Ajdukovic Recezent: Anja Kolobarić

"I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

"Osjetih pogreb, u svom mozgu,

and Mourners to and fro

a žalobnici uzvrzmani

kept treading -- treading -- till [it seemed]

gaze - i gaze - sve dok ne bi osjetio

k'o da moj um se probi van.

that Sense was breaking through --

And when they all were seated,

A kad su sjeli, svi,

a Service, like a Drum --

obred je poput bubnja

kept beating -- beating -- till I [thought]

stao da bije, bije, sve dok ne osjetih

da moja pamet obamrije

my Mind was going numb --

And then I heard them lift a Box and creak across my Soul

A kada čuh da kovčeg dižu

i kroz dušu mi škripe

with those same Boots of Lead, again,

one iste olovne čizme, opet,

then Space -- began to toll,

prostor tada stade da zvoni,

As [all] the Heavens were a Bell, and Being, [but] an Ear,

k'o da su sva nebesa zvono,

a biće samo da je uho,

and I, and Silence, some strange Race,

i ja, i tišina, čudno pleme

wrecked, solitary, here --

ovdje, brodolomno i samo.

[And] then a Plank in Reason, broke,

Tada baš u razumu puče daska

and I fell down and down --

i padala sam niže, niže,

and hit a World, at every plunge,

po jedan svijet otkrih svakim uronom

and Finished knowing -- then --"

– i kraj znanja stiže".

We know depression through metaphors.

Depresiju poznajemo kroz metafore.

Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language,

Emily Dickinson prenijela ju je riječima,

Goya in an image.

Goya slikom.

Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states.

Polovina svrhe umjetnosti

jest opisivati takva ikonska stanja.

As for me, I had always thought myself tough,

Ja sam sebe uvijek smatrao čvrstim,

one of the people who could survive

jednim od onih koji bi preživjeli

if I'd been sent to a concentration camp.

da završe u koncentracijskom logoru.

In 1991, I had a series of losses.

Godine 1991. doživio sam niz gubitaka.

My mother died,

Umrla mi je majka,

a relationship I'd been in ended,

završila je veza u kojoj sam bio,

I moved back to the United States from some years abroad,

vratio sam se u SAD nakon nekoliko godina u inozemstvu,

and I got through all of those experiences intact.

i sva sam ova iskustva prošao netaknut.

But in 1994, three years later,

Ali 1994., tri godine kasnije,

I found myself losing interest in almost everything.

vidio sam da gubim interes za gotovo sve.

Nisam želio raditi ništa od onoga što sam prije želio raditi,

I didn't want to do any of the things I had previously wanted to do,

and I didn't know why.

a nisam znao zašto.

The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.

Suprotnost depresiji nije sreća,

nego vitalnost,

a činilo se da upravo vitalnost tada kopni iz mene.

And it was vitality

that seemed to seep away from me in that moment.

Everything there was to do seemed like too much work.

Sve što je trebalo raditi činilo se kao previše posla.

I would come home

Došao bih kući,

and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine,

vidio da na telefonskoj sekretarici svijetli crveno svjetlo,

and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends,

i umjesto da se radujem čuti prijatelje,

I would think,

pomislio bih, "Koliko ljudi koje moram nazvati."

"What a lot of people that is to have to call back."

Or I would decide I should have lunch,

Ili bih odlučio ručati,

and then I would think, but I'd have to get the food out

ali onda bih se sjetio da moram izvaditi hranu,

and put it on a plate

staviti je na tanjur,

and cut it up and chew it and swallow it,

rezati je, žvakati i gutati,

and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross.

što mi se činilo kao postaje križnog puta.

And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression

Jedna od stvari koje se često izgube

u raspravama o depresiji

is that you know it's ridiculous.

jest to da znaš da je suludo.

You know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it.

Znaš da je suludo dok to proživljavaš.

You know that most people manage

Znaš da većina ljudi uspijeva

to listen to their messages and eat lunch

preslušati poruke i pojesti ručak

and organize themselves to take a shower

i organizirati se tako da se otuširaju

and go out the front door

i izađu iz kuće,

and that it's not a big deal,

i da to nije velika stvar,

and yet you are nonetheless in its grip

a opet, ti si joj u raljama

and you are unable to figure out any way around it.

i ne uspijevaš smisliti kako se izvući.

And so I began to feel myself doing less

I tako sam počeo primjećivati da sve manje činim,

and thinking less

sve manje mislim

and feeling less.

i sve manje osjećam.

It was a kind of nullity.

Bila je to neka vrsta ništavnosti.

And then the anxiety set in.

A onda se pojavila tjeskoba.

If you told me that I'd have to be depressed for the next month,

Da ste mi rekli da moram

mjesec dana biti depresivan,

I would say, "As long I know it'll be over in November, I can do it."

rekao bih, "Ako znam da će biti gotovo do studenog, mogu ja to."

But if you said to me,

Ali da ste mi rekli,

"You have to have acute anxiety for the next month,"

"Idućih mjesec dana moraš patiti od akutne tjeskobe",

radije bih prerezao žile nego prolazio kroz to.

I would rather slit my wrist than go through it.

It was the feeling all the time

Cijelo sam vrijeme imao osjećaj

like that feeling you have if you're walking

nalik onome kad hodaš

and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you,

i posklizneš se ili spotakneš

i tlo juri prema vama,

but instead of lasting half a second, the way that does,

ali umjesto da to traje pola sekunde kao inače,

it lasted for six months.

to je trajalo šest mjeseci.

It's a sensation of being afraid all the time

Bio je to osjećaj stalnog straha,

but not even knowing what it is that you're afraid of.

ali ne znajući čega se bojite.

And it was at that point that I began to think

Tada sam počeo razmišljati

that it was just too painful to be alive,

kako je jednostavno prebolno živjeti

and that the only reason not to kill oneself

i da je jedini razlog da se ne ubijem

was so as not to hurt other people.

bio taj da ne povrijedim druge ljude.

And finally one day, I woke up

Onda sam se jednog dana probudio

and I thought perhaps I'd had a stroke,

i pomislio da sam imao moždani udar

because I lay in bed completely frozen,

jer sam ležao u krevetu potpuno zamrznut,

looking at the telephone, thinking,

gledajući u telefon i misleći,

"Something is wrong and I should call for help,"

"Nešto nije u redu i trebao bih pozvati pomoć,"

and I couldn't reach out my arm

ali nisam mogao ispružiti ruku,

and pick up the phone and dial.

uzeti telefon i okrenuti broj.

And finally, after four full hours of my lying and staring at it,

Konačno, nakon što sam puna četiri sata ležao i buljio u njega,

the phone rang,

telefon je zazvonio

and somehow I managed to pick it up,

i nekako sam uspio podići slušalicu.

and it was my father, and I said,

Bio je to moj otac

i rekao sam, "Imam ozbiljan problem.

"I'm in serious trouble. We need to do something."

Moramo nešto poduzeti."

The next day I started with the medications and the therapy.

Idućeg dana započeo sam s lijekovima

i terapijom.

And I also started reckoning with this terrible question:

Također sam počeo razmatrati

ovo užasno pitanje:

If I'm not the tough person

ako nisam čvrsta osoba

who could have made it through a concentration camp,

koja bi mogla preživjeti koncentracijski logor,

then who am I?

tko sam onda?

And if I have to take medication,

Ako moram uzimati lijekove,

is that medication making me more fully myself,

jesam li zbog njih više "ja"

or is it making me someone else?

ili me oni pretvaraju u nekoga drugog?

And how do I feel about it if it's making me someone else?

I što ja mislim o tome

ukoliko me pretvaraju u nekoga drugog?

Imao sam dvije prednosti kad sam se upustio u tu borbu.

I had two advantages as I went into the fight.

The first is that I knew that, objectively speaking,

Prva je bila ta da sam znao da, objektivno gledajući,

I had a nice life,

imam lijep život

and that if I could only get well,

i ako uspijem ozdraviti,

there was something at the other end that was worth living for.

na drugom kraju postoji nešto

za što vrijedi živjeti.

And the other was that I had access to good treatment.

Druga je bila ta da sam imao pristup kvalitetnom liječenju.

But I nonetheless emerged and relapsed,

Ali stanje bi mi se svejedno poboljšalo pa pogoršalo,

and emerged and relapsed,

i poboljšalo pa pogoršalo,

and emerged and relapsed,

i poboljšalo pa pogoršalo,

and finally understood

dok konačno nisam shvatio

I would have to be on medication and in therapy forever.

da ću zauvijek morati biti na lijekovima i na terapiji.

And I thought,

Pomislio sam, "Je li to kemijski problem

"But is it a chemical problem or a psychological problem?

ili psihološki problem?

And does it need a chemical cure or a philosophical cure?"

I treba li mi kemijski lijek ili pak onaj filozofski?"

And I couldn't figure out which it was.

I nisam mogao dokučiti o čemu se radi.

And then I understood that actually,

Onda sam shvatio da zapravo nismo ni u jednom od područja dovoljno napredni,

we aren't advanced enough in either area for it to explain things fully.

a da bi ono potpuno objasnilo stvari.

The chemical cure and the psychological cure

I kemijsko i psihološko liječenje imaju svoje mjesto.

both have a role to play,

and I also figured out that depression was something

Također sam uvidio da je depresija toliko duboko upletena u nas

that was braided so deep into us

that there was no separating it from our character and personality.

da ju je nemoguće razdvojiti od našeg karaktera i osobnosti.

I want to say that the treatments we have for depression are appalling.

Želim reći da su tretmani koje imamo za depresiju užasni.

Nisu baš učinkoviti.

They're not very effective.

They're extremely costly.

Iznimno su skupi.

They come with innumerable side effects.

Dolaze uz bezbrojne nuspojave.

They're a disaster.

Katastrofa su.

Ali zahvalan sam da živim sada,

But I am so grateful that I live now and not 50 years ago,

a ne prije 50 godina

when there would have been almost nothing to be done.

kad se gotovo ništa ne bi moglo učiniti.

I hope that 50 years hence,

Nadam se da će za 50 godina

people will hear about my treatments

ljudi čuti o mojem liječenju

i biti zgroženi što je itko trpio

and be appalled that anyone endured such primitive science.

takvu primitivnu znanost.

Depression is the flaw in love.

Depresija je mana u ljubavi.

If you were married to someone and thought,

Da ste s nekime u braku i pomislite,

"Well, if my wife dies, I'll find another one,"

"Ha, ako mi umre žena, naći ću si drugu",

it wouldn't be love as we know it.

to ne bismo smatrali ljubavlju.

There's no such thing as love without the anticipation of loss,

Ne postoji takva ljubav

koja ne uključuje očekivanje gubitka,

and that specter of despair can be the engine of intimacy.

a ta slutnja očajanja

može biti pokretač intimosti.

There are three things people tend to confuse:

Postoje tri stvari koje ljudi miješaju:

depression, grief and sadness.

depresiju, žalost i tugu.

Grief is explicitly reactive.

Žalost je isključivo reakcija.

If you have a loss and you feel incredibly unhappy,

Ako ste doživjeli gubitak i osjećate se užasno nesretno,

and then, six months later,

a onda šest mjeseci kasnije

you are still deeply sad, but you're functioning a little better,

i dalje osjećate duboku žalost, ali malo bolje funkcionirate,

vjerojatno je riječ o žalosti

it's probably grief,

and it will probably ultimately resolve itself in some measure.

koja će se vjerojatno riješiti sama od sebe, barem do određene mjere.

If you experience a catastrophic loss,

Ako doživite katastrofalan gubitak,

and you feel terrible,

i osjećate se užasno,

and six months later you can barely function at all,

a za šest mjeseci jedva funkcionirate,

then it's probably a depression that was triggered

vjerojatno se radi o depresiji kojoj su okidač bile

te katastrofalne okolnosti.

by the catastrophic circumstances.

The trajectory tells us a great deal.

Putanja kroz vrijeme nam mnogo kazuje.

People think of depression as being just sadness.

Ljudi misle da je depresija naprosto tuga.

It's much, much too much sadness,

To je puno, puno previše tuge,

much too much grief

puno previše žalosti

at far too slight a cause.

zbog previše neznatnog razloga.

As I set out to understand depression,

Kad sam krenuo razumjeti depresiju i

and to interview people who had experienced it,

intervjuirati ljude koji su je proživjeli,

I found that there were people who seemed, on the surface,

shvatio sam da postoje ljudi koji

na prvi pogled djeluju relativno blago depresivno,

to have what sounded like relatively mild depression

a koji su od nje ipak potpuno onemoćali.

who were nonetheless utterly disabled by it.

And there were other people who had what sounded

I bili su drugi koji su imali nešto što je zvučalo kao

as they described it like terribly severe depression

strašno duboka depresija,

who nonetheless had good lives

a koji su ipak dobro živjeli u razdobljima

in the interstices between their depressive episodes.

između depresivnih epizoda.

And I set out to find out what it is that causes some people

Naumio sam saznati što je to

što neke ljude čini otpornijima od drugih.

to be more resilient than other people.

What are the mechanisms that allow people to survive?

Koji su to mehanizmi

koji ljudima omogućuju preživljvanje?

And I went out and I interviewed person after person

Intervjuirao sam cijeli niz osoba

who was suffering with depression.

koje su patile od depresije.

One of the first people I interviewed

Jedna od prvih koje sam

intervjuirao depresiju je opisala kao

described depression as a slower way of being dead,

sporiji način bivanja mrtvim.

and that was a good thing for me to hear early on

Dobro je da sam to čuo na početku jer me podsjetilo

because it reminded me that that slow way of being dead

da taj spori način bivanja mrtvim

can lead to actual deadness,

može dovesti do prave smrti,

that this is a serious business.

da se radi o ozbiljnoj stvari.

It's the leading disability worldwide,

Ona je vodeći uzrok invaliditeta u svijetu

and people die of it every day.

i ljudi od nje svakodnevno umiru.

One of the people I talked to when I was trying to understand this

Jedna od osoba s kojom sam razgovarao dok sam ovo pokušavao razumjeti

was a beloved friend who I had known for many years,

bila je draga prijateljica

koju sam godinama poznavao.

and who had had a psychotic episode in her freshman year of college,

Imala je psihotični napad

na prvoj godini fakulteta,

and then plummeted into a horrific depression.

a onda se survala u užasnu depresiju.

She had bipolar illness,

Imala je bipolarni poremećaj,

or manic depression, as it was then known.

tada poznat kao manična depresija.

And then she did very well for many years on lithium,

Onda joj je niz godina bilo jako dobro na litiju.

S vremenom je skinuta s litija

and then eventually, she was taken off her lithium

to see how she would do without it,

da bi se vidjelo kako joj je bez njega

and she had another psychosis,

pa je imala još jedan psihotični napadaj

and then plunged into the worst depression that I had ever seen

i onda pala u najgoru depresiju koju sam ikad vidio.

in which she sat in her parents' apartment,

Sjedila je u stanu svojih roditelja

more or less catatonic, essentially without moving,

manje-više katatonična, nepomična,

day after day after day.

dan za danom.

And when I interviewed her about that experience some years later --

Kad sam je nekoliko godina poslije intervjuirao o tom iskustvu -

she's a poet and psychotherapist named Maggie Robbins --

ona je pjesnikinja i psihoterapeutkinja Maggie Robbins -

when I interviewed her, she said,

u intervjuu je rekla,

"I was singing 'Where Have All The Flowers Gone,'

"Pjevala sam 'Where Have All the Flowers Gone'

over and over, to occupy my mind.

iznova i iznova da zaokupim um.

I was singing to blot out the things my mind was saying,

Pjevala sam to kako bih nadglasala ono što mi je moj um govorio:

which were, 'You are nothing. You are nobody.

'Ti si ništa. Ti si nitko.

Ne zaslužuješ ni živjeti.'

You don't even deserve to live.'

And that was when I really started thinking

Tada sam stvarno počela razmišljati

o tome da se ubijem."

about killing myself."

You don't think in depression that you've put on a gray veil

U depresiji ne mislite

da ste stavili sivi veo

and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood.

i da svijet promatrate kroz maglicu

lošeg raspoloženja.

You think that the veil has been taken away,

Mislite da je veo skinut,

veo sreće

the veil of happiness,

and that now you're seeing truly.

i da tek sada istinski vidite.

It's easier to help schizophrenics who perceive

Lakše je pomoći shizofrenima koji vide

that there's something foreign inside of them that needs to be exorcised,

da se u njima nalazi nešto strano što je potrebno odstraniti.

but it's difficult with depressives,

S depresivnima je teško

because we believe we are seeing the truth.

jer mi vjerujemo da vidimo istinu.

But the truth lies.

Ali istina laže.

I became obsessed with that sentence:

Postao sam opsjednut rečenicom:

"But the truth lies."

"Ali istina laže."

And I discovered, as I talked to depressive people,

Razgovarajući s depresivnim ljudima, otkrio sam

that they have many delusional perceptions.

da imaju puno sumanutih uvjerenja.

People will say, "No one loves me."

Oni će reći, "Nitko me ne voli."

And you say, "I love you,

A vi kažete, "Ja te volim,

your wife loves you, your mother loves you."

tvoja te žena voli, tvoja te majka voli."

You can answer that one pretty readily, at least for most people.

Na to pitanje možete spremno odgovoriti,

barem kod većine ljudi.

Ali depresivni će ljudi također reći,

But people who are depressed will also say,

"No matter what we do, we're all just going to die in the end."

"Što god učinili, na kraju ćemo svejedno umrijeti."

Or they'll say, "There can be no true communion

Ili će reći, "Nije moguća prava bliskost između dvoje ljudi.

between two human beings.

Each of us is trapped in his own body."

Svatko je zarobljen u svome tijelu."

To which you have to say,

Na što morate reći,

"That's true,

"Istina, ali sad se moramo usmjeriti

but I think we should focus right now on what to have for breakfast."

na to što ćemo doručkovati."

(Laughter)

A lot of the time,

Često, ono što oni izražavaju nije bolest, nego uvid

what they are expressing is not illness, but insight,

and one comes to think what's really extraordinary

i shvatite da je uistinu nevjerojatno da većina nas zna za ova

is that most of us know about those existential questions

egzistencijalna pitanja, ali ona nam baš i ne odvlače pažnju.

and they don't distract us very much.

There was a study I particularly liked

Jedno mi se istraživanje osobito svidjelo.

in which a group of depressed and a group of non-depressed people

U njemu su skupina depresivnih i skupina nedepresivnih ljudi

trebale sat vremena igrati video-igricu,

were asked to play a video game for an hour,

and at the end of the hour,

a kad je taj sat istekao,

they were asked how many little monsters they thought they had killed.

pitali su ih da procijene koliko su malih čudovišta ubili.

Depresivna je skupina većinom bila točna unutar 10-ak %,

The depressive group was usually accurate to within about 10 percent,

and the non-depressed people

a nedepresivne su osobe procjenjivale 15 do 20 puta više

guessed between 15 and 20 times as many little monsters --

malih čudovišta

(Laughter)

nego što su ih zapravo ubile.

as they had actually killed.

A lot of people said, when I chose to write about my depression,

Kad sam odlučio pisati o svojoj depresiji, puno je ljudi reklo

that it must be very difficult to be out of that closet,

da mora da je jako teško

izaći iz ormara, razotkriti se ljudima.

to have people know.

PItali su pričaju li ljudi drugačije sa mnom.

They said, "Do people talk to you differently?"

I said, "Yes, people talk to me differently.

Rekao bih, "Da, drugačije razgovaraju sa mnom, utoliko

They talk to me differently insofar

as they start telling me about their experience,

što su mi počeli govoriti o svojem iskustvu

or their sister's experience,

ili iskustvu njihove sestre

or their friend's experience.

ili prijateljevom iskustvu.

Things are different because now I know

Drugačije je jer sada znam

that depression is the family secret that everyone has.

da je depresija obiteljska tajna

koju svi imamo.

I went a few years ago to a conference,

Prije nekoliko godina bio sam na konferenciji

and on Friday of the three-day conference,

i u petak te trodnevne konferencije

one of the participants took me aside, and she said,

jedna me sudionica pozvala na stranu i rekla,

"I suffer from depression and I'm a little embarrassed about it,

"Bolujem od depresije i malo se sramim toga,

ali uzimam ove lijekove i samo sam Vas htjela pitati što mislite."

but I've been taking this medication,

and I just wanted to ask you what you think?"

Savjetovao sam je najbolje što sam znao i umio.

And so I did my best to give her such advice as I could.

And then she said, "You know, my husband would never understand this.

Onda je rekla,

"Znate, moj muž ovo nikad ne bi razumio.

He's really the kind of guy to whom this wouldn't make any sense,

On je tip čovjeka kome ovo ne bi imalo smisla,

tako da je ovo, znate, samo između nas."

so, you know, it's just between us."

And I said, "Yes, that's fine."

Rekoh, "Da, u redu."

On Sunday of the same conference,

U nedjelju tijekom iste konferencije,

her husband took me aside,

na stranu me pozvao njezin muž

(Laughter)

and he said, "My wife wouldn't think

i rekao, "Moja žena ne bi mislila

that I was really much of a guy if she knew this,

da sam neki muškarac kad bi ovo znala,

but I've been dealing with this depression and I'm taking some medication,

ali ja se borim s depresijom

i uzimam neke lijekove i zanimalo me što Vi mislite."

and I wondered what you think?"

They were hiding the same medication

Skrivali su iste lijekove na dva različita mjesta

in two different places in the same bedroom.

u istoj spavaćoj sobi.

(Laughter)

Rekao sam da mislim da bi komunikacija u braku

And I said that I thought communication within the marriage

might be triggering some of their problems.

mogla biti okidač nekih njihovih problema.

(Laughter)

But I was also struck

Ali također me pogodila

bremenita priroda

by the burdensome nature of such mutual secrecy.

takve uzajamne tajnovitosti.

Depression is so exhausting.

Depresija je tako iscrpljujuća.

It takes up so much of your time and energy,

Oduzima toliko vremena i energije,

and silence about it,

a šutnja o njoj

it really does make the depression worse.

doista pogoršava depresiju.

And then I began thinking

Onda sam počeo misliti o načinima

about all the ways people make themselves better.

na koje ljudi sami sebi pomažu.

I'd started off as a medical conservative.

Počeo sam kao medicinski konzervativac.

I thought there were a few kinds of therapy that worked,

Mislio sam da ima nekoliko terapija koje djeluju,

it was clear what they were --

i bilo je jasno koje su to -

there was medication,

postojali su lijekovi,

there were certain psychotherapies,

određene psihoterapije,

there was possibly electroconvulsive treatment,

možda i elektrokonvulzivni tretmani,

a sve su drugo gluposti.

and that everything else was nonsense.

But then I discovered something.

Ali onda sam nešto otkrio.

If you have brain cancer,

Ako imate rak mozga i kažete da se od dubljenja na glavi

and you say that standing on your head for 20 minutes every morning

po 20 minuta svakog jutra bolje osjećate, to je moguće,

makes you feel better,

it may make you feel better, but you still have brain cancer,

ali i dalje imate rak mozga i vjerojatno ćete ipak umrijeti od njega.

and you'll still probably die from it.

But if you say that you have depression,

Ali ako kažete da imate depresiju i da se bolje osjećate ako svakog jutra

and standing on your head for 20 minutes every day

dubite na glavi 20 minuta, onda to djeluje jer je

makes you feel better, then it's worked,

because depression is an illness of how you feel,

depresija bolest osjećanja.

and if you feel better,

Ako se osjećate bolje, onda više niste depresivni.

then you are effectively not depressed anymore.

Postao sam mnogo tolerantniji na na široki svijet alternativnih liječenja.

So I became much more tolerant

of the vast world of alternative treatments.

And I get letters, I get hundreds of letters

Dobivam pisma, stotine njih

from people writing to tell me about what's worked for them.

od ljudi koji mi govore što je njima pomoglo.

Netko me danas iza pozornice pitao o meditaciji.

Someone was asking me backstage today about meditation.

My favorite of the letters that I got was the one that came from a woman

Moje omiljeno pismo je od žene

who wrote and said that she had tried therapy, medication,

koja je pisala da je probala terapiju,

lijekove, manje-više sve

she had tried pretty much everything,

i našla je rješenje te se nadala da ću ga reći svijetu,

and she had found a solution and hoped I would tell the world,

a radilo se o izrađivanju sitnica od vune.

and that was making little things from yarn.

(Laughter)

She sent me some of them.

Neke od njih mi je i poslala.

(Laughter)

And I'm not wearing them right now.

Trenutačno nemam na sebi nijednu od njih.

(Laughter)

I suggested to her that she also should look up

Predložio sam joj da pogleda opsesivno-kompulzivni poremećaj

obsessive compulsive disorder in the DSM.

u psihijatrijskom priručniku.

And yet, when I went to look at alternative treatments,

A opet, gledajući alternativna liječenja,

I also gained perspective on other treatments.

primijetio sam druge tretmane.

I went through a tribal exorcism in Senegal

Prošao sam plemenski egzorcizam u Senegalu

that involved a great deal of ram's blood

koji je uključivao puno krvi ovna, ali u te detalje neću sada ulaziti.

and that I'm not going to detail right now,

but a few years afterwards I was in Rwanda,

Nakon nekoliko godina bio sam u Ruandi, radio na drugom projektu,

working on a different project,

and I happened to describe my experience to someone,

i nekome sam opisao svoje iskustvo.

and he said,

Rekao je, "To je Zapadna Afrika, a mi smo u Istočnoj Africi,

"Well, that's West Africa, and we're in East Africa,

and our rituals are in some ways very different,

i naši se obredi umnogome razlikuju, ali neki od njih imaju sličnosti s ovime.

but we do have some rituals

that have something in common with what you're describing."

Rekao je, "Ali, znate, imali smo puno problema sa zapadnim psiholozima,

And he said,

"But we've had a lot of trouble with Western mental health workers,

osobito onima koji su došli odmah nakon genocida."

especially the ones who came right after the genocide."

Pitao sam kakve su teškoće imali.

I said, "What kind of trouble did you have?"

Odgovorio je,

And he said, "Well, they would do this bizarre thing.

"Činili su nešto bizarno.

They didn't take people out in the sunshine

Ne bi izveli ljude na sunce gdje se počnete osjećati bolje.

where you begin to feel better.

They didn't include drumming or music to get people's blood going.

Ne bi koristili bubnjanje ili glazbu da pokrenu ljude.

They didn't involve the whole community.

Ne bi uključili cijelu zajednicu.

They didn't externalize the depression as an invasive spirit.

Nisu depresiju pripisali vanjskoj sili, zloduhu.

Instead what they did was they took people one at a time into dingy little rooms

Umjesto toga su odvodili ljude jednog po jednog u prljave sobičke

and had them talk for an hour

i tjerali ih da sat vremena pričaju o lošim stvarima koje su im se dogodile."

about bad things that had happened to them."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

He said, "We had to ask them to leave the country."

Rekao je, "Morali smo ih zamoliti da napuste zemlju."

(Laughter)

Now at the other end of alternative treatments,

Na drugom kraju alternativnih liječenja, pričat ću vam o Franku Russakoffu.

let me tell you about Frank Russakoff.

Frank Russakoff imao je najgoru depresiju koju sam ikad vidio kod muškarca.

Frank Russakoff had the worst depression perhaps that I've ever seen in a man.

He was constantly depressed.

Bio je stalno potišten.

He was, when I met him,

Kad sam ga upoznao,

at a point at which every month, he would have electroshock treatment.

svaki je mjesec imao tretman elektrošokom.

Then he would feel sort of disoriented for a week.

Tjedan dana bio bi nekako dezorijentiran.

Then he would feel okay for a week.

Onda bi tjedan dana bio dobro.

Then he would have a week of going downhill.

Onda bi tjedan dana propadao,

And then he would have another electroshock treatment.

a onda bi opet imao tretman elektrošokom.

Kad sam ga upoznao, rekao je,

And he said to me when I met him,

"It's unbearable to go through my weeks this way.

"Nepodnošljivo mi je ovako provoditi tjedne.

Ne mogu ovako nastaviti,

I can't go on this way,

and I've figured out how I'm going to end it

i smislio sam način kako ću ovo okončati

if I don't get better."

ako se ne oporavim.

"But," he said to me, "I heard about a protocol at Mass General

Ali čuo sam da u bolnici Mass General rade postupak koji se zove cingulotomija,

for a procedure called a cingulotomy, which is a brain surgery,

što je operacija mozga i mislim da ću to pokušati."

and I think I'm going to give that a try."

And I remember being amazed at that point to think that someone

Sjećam se da sam tada bio zadivljen da je netko tko je očito imao

who clearly had so many bad experiences

toliko loših iskustava s toliko različitih tretmana

with so many different treatments

still had buried in him, somewhere, enough optimism

sačuvao dovoljno optimizma

to reach out for one more.

da posegne za još jednim.

And he had the cingulotomy, and it was incredibly successful.

Imao je cingulotomiju

koja je bila nevjerojatno uspješna.

He's now a friend of mine.

On je sada moj prijatelj. Ima krasnu ženu i dvoje divne djece.

He has a lovely wife and two beautiful children.

He wrote me a letter the Christmas after the surgery,

Pisao mi je za Božić nakon operacije i rekao:

and he said,

"My father sent me two presents this year,

"Otac mi je ove godine poslao dva poklona.

First, a motorized CD rack from The Sharper Image

Automatsku policu za CD-ove iz kataloga koja mi zapravo ne treba,

that I didn't really need,

but I knew he was giving it to me to celebrate

ali znao sam da mi je daje da proslavi

the fact that I'm living on my own and have a job I seem to love.

činjenicu da živim samostalno i da imam posao koji volim.

And the other present was a photo of my grandmother,

A drugi je poklon bila fotografija moje bake

who committed suicide.

koja je počinila samoubojstvo.

As I unwrapped it, I began to cry,

Kad sam je odmotao, počeo sam plakati.

and my mother came over and said,

Majka mi je prišla i pitala

'Are you crying because of the relatives you never knew?'

plačem li zbog rodbine koju nikad nisam upoznao.

Rekao sam, "Ona je imala istu bolest kao i ja."

And I said, 'She had the same disease I have.'

I'm crying now as I write to you.

Plačem sada dok ti ovo pišem.

It's not that I'm so sad, but I get overwhelmed,

Nisam toliko tužan, ali osjećam se preplavljeno emocijom

I think, because I could have killed myself,

zato što sam se i ja mogao ubiti,

but my parents kept me going, and so did the doctors,

ali na životu su me održali roditelji, kao i liječnici,

and I had the surgery.

a onda sam imao operaciju.

I'm alive and grateful.

Živ sam i zahvalan.

We live in the right time, even if it doesn't always feel like it."

Živimo u pravo vrijeme,

čak iako nam se ne čini uvijek tako."

I was struck by the fact that depression

Dojmila me se činjenica da se depresija obično vidi

is broadly perceived to be a modern, Western, middle-class thing,

kao bolest suvremene zapadnjačke srednje klase.

and I went to look at how it operated in a variety of other contexts,

Pošao sam saznati kako ona djeluje u nizu drugih konteksta,

and one of the things I was most interested in

a osobito me zanimala depresija među vrlo siromašnima.

was depression among the indigent.

Krenuo sam istraživati što se radi za siromašne s depresijom.

And so I went out to try to look

at what was being done for poor people with depression.

And what I discovered is that poor people

Otkrio sam da se siromašne uglavnom ne liječi od depresije.

are mostly not being treated for depression.

Depresija je posljedica genetske ranjivosti koja je vjerojatno

Depression is the result of a genetic vulnerability,

which is presumably evenly distributed in the population,

ravnomjerno raspoređena populacijom

and triggering circumstances,

i okolnosti koje služe kao okidači,

which are likely to be more severe for people who are impoverished.

a koje su vjerojatnije teže među siromašnim ljudima.

And yet it turns out that if you have a really lovely life

Ipak, ispostavlja se da ako imate divan život, ali stalno se osjećate jadno,

but feel miserable all the time,

you think, "Why do I feel like this?

pomislite, "Zašto se osjećam ovako? Mora da sam depresivan."

I must have depression."

And you set out to find treatment for it.

I onda si krenete tražiti lijek.

Ali ako imate grozan život i čitavo se vrijeme osjećate jadno,

But if you have a perfectly awful life,

and you feel miserable all the time,

the way you feel is commensurate with your life,

vaši su osjećaji u skladu s vašim životom

and it doesn't occur to you to think,

i ne padne vam na pamet pomisliti,

"Maybe this is treatable."

"Možda se ovo može liječiti."

And so we have an epidemic in this country

Tako da u ovoj zemlji postoji epidemija

of depression among impoverished people

depresije među siromašnima,

that's not being picked up and that's not being treated

koju nitko ne primjećuje i ne liječi

and that's not being addressed,

i ne bavi se njome,

and it's a tragedy of a grand order.

i to je tragedija golemih razmjera.

And so I found an academic

Pronašao sam znanstvenicu

who was doing a research project in slums outside of D.C.,

koja je provodila istraživački projekt

u sirotinjskim četvrtima izvan Washingtona.

where she picked up women who had come in for other health problems

Ženama koje su dolazile zbog drugih zdravstvenih problema

and diagnosed them with depression,

dijagnosticirala je depresiju

i pružala im 6 mjeseci eksperimentalnog protokola.

and then provided six months of the experimental protocol.

One of them, Lolly, came in,

Evo što je Lolly, jedna od njih, rekla kad je došla.

and this is what she said the day she came in.

Usput, radi se o ženi koja je imala sedmero djece.

She said, and she was a woman, by the way, who had seven children.

She said, "I used to have a job but I had to give it up

Rekla je, "Imala sam posao, ali morala sam ga napustiti

because I couldn't go out of the house.

jer nisam mogla izaći iz kuće.

Ništa nemam za reći svojoj djeci.

I have nothing to say to my children.

In the morning, I can't wait for them to leave,

Ujutro jedva čekam da odu,

and then I climb in bed and pull the covers over my head,

i onda se popnem u krevet i pokrijem se preko glave,

a tri sata popodne kad dolaze kući jednostavno dođe prebrzo."

and three o'clock when they come home,

it just comes so fast."

She said, "I've been taking a lot of Tylenol,

Rekla je, "Uzimam puno paracetamola, bilo čega tako da mogu više spavati.

anything I can take so that I can sleep more.

My husband has been telling me I'm stupid, I'm ugly.

Muž mi govori da sam glupa i ružna.

I wish I could stop the pain."

Da barem mogu zaustaviti bol."

Well, she was brought into this experimental protocol,

Uključena je u eksperimentalni program

and when I interviewed her six months later,

i kad sam s njom razgovarao za 6 mjeseci,

she had taken a job working in childcare

bila je zaposlena u vrtiću za Mornaricu SAD-a,

for the U.S. Navy, she had left the abusive husband,

napustila je nasilnog muža, i rekla mi je,

and she said to me,

"Moja su djeca sada puno sretnija.

"My kids are so much happier now."

She said, "There's one room in my new place for the boys

U novoj kući imam jednu sobu za dečke i jednu za cure,

and one room for the girls,

ali navečer su svi na mom krevetu i svi zajedno radimo zadaću.

but at night, they're just all up on my bed,

and we're doing homework all together and everything.

Jedan od njih želi biti svećenik, drugi vatrogasac,

One of them wants to be a preacher,

one of them wants to be a firefighter,

and one of the girls says she's going to be a lawyer.

a jedna od cura želi biti odvjetnica.

They don't cry like they used to,

Više ne plaču i ne svađaju se kao prije.

and they don't fight like they did.

Moja su djeca sad sve što treba.

That's all I need now, is my kids.

Things keep on changing,

Stvari se mijenjaju, to kako se oblačim, osjećam, ponašam.

the way I dress, the way I feel, the way I act.

I can go outside not being afraid anymore,

Više se ne bojim izaći iz kuće

and I don't think those bad feelings are coming back,

i mislim da se oni loši osjećaji neće vratiti.

Da nije bilo dr. Mirande,

and if it weren't for Dr. Miranda and that,

i dalje bih bila doma s pokrivačima preko glave,

I would still be at home with the covers pulled over my head,

if I were still alive at all.

ako bih uopće bila živa.

Molila sam Boga da mi pošalje anđela

I asked the Lord to send me an angel,

and He heard my prayers."

i On je čuo moje molitve."

Doista su me taknula ova iskustva

I was really moved by these experiences,

and I decided that I wanted to write about them

i odlučio sam da želim pisati o njima

not only in a book I was working on, but also in an article,

ne samo u svojoj knjizi, nego i u novinskom članku.

and I got a commission from The New York Times Magazine

Dogovorio sam s New York Times Magazineom

da pišem o depresiji kod najsiromašnijih.

to write about depression among the indigent.

Predao sam članak, a onda me urednica nazvala i rekla,

And I turned in my story,

and my editor called me and said, "We really can't publish this."

"Ovo zbilja ne možemo objaviti." Pitao sam zašto ne.

And I said, "Why not?"

And she said, "It just is too far-fetched.

Rekla je, "Previše je nategnuto.

These people who are sort of at the very bottom rung of society

Ovi ljudi koji su na samom dnu društvene ljestvice,

and then they get a few months of treatment

a kad dobiju par mjeseci tretmana,

and they're virtually ready to run Morgan Stanley?

praktički su spremni voditi banku Morgan Stanley?

To je jednostavno preneuvjerljivo."

It's just too implausible."

Rekla je, "Nikad nisam čula za takvo što."

She said, "I've never even heard of anything like it."

And I said, "The fact that you've never heard of it

Odgovorio sam, "Činjenica da za to nikad niste čuli govori da je to vijest."

is an indication that it is news."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

"And you are a news magazine."

"A vi ste novine."

So after a certain amount of negotiation, they agreed to it.

Nakon nešto pregovaranja pristali su.

But I think a lot of what they said was connected in some strange way

Ali mislim da je to što su rekli bilo na neki čudan način povezano

to this distaste that people still have for the idea of treatment,

s gnušanjem koje ljudi imaju prema pojmu liječenja.

the notion that somehow if we went out

Čini im se da kad bismo krenuli liječiti ljude u najsiromašnijim zajednicama,

and treated a lot of people in indigent communities,

that would be exploitative,

to bilo izrabljivanje jer bismo ih mijenjali.

because we would be changing them.

There is this false moral imperative that seems to be all around us,

Postoji lažni moralni imperativ kojim smo okruženi:

that treatment of depression,

da su liječenje depresije, lijekovi i sl. izmišljotine i da nisu prirodni.

the medications and so on, are an artifice,

and that it's not natural.

And I think that's very misguided.

Ja mislim da je to vrlo pogrešno.

It would be natural for people's teeth to fall out,

Bilo bi prirodno da ljudima ispadnu zubi,

but there is nobody militating against toothpaste,

ali nitko ne huška protiv zubne paste,

barem ne u krugovima u kojima se ja krećem.

at least not in my circles.

People then say,

Ljudi onda kažu, "Ali nije li depresija

"But isn't depression part of what people are supposed to experience?

dio onoga što bi ljudi trebali doživjeti?

Nismo li tako razvijeni? Nije li to dio ličnosti?"

Didn't we evolve to have depression?

Isn't it part of your personality?"

To which I would say, mood is adaptive.

Na to odgovaram da je raspoloženje prilagodljivo.

Being able to have sadness and fear

Moći doživjeti tugu, strah, radost ,užitak

and joy and pleasure

and all of the other moods that we have, that's incredibly valuable.

i sva druga raspoloženja

neizmjerno je vrijedno.

And major depression

A veliki depresivni poremećaj događa se

is something that happens when that system gets broken.

kad se nešto u tom sustavu pokvari.

It's maladaptive.

To je neprilagodljivo."

People will come to me and say,

Ljudi mi prilaze i kažu,

"I think, though, if I just stick it out for another year,

"Mislim da ako izdržim još jednu godinu,

I think I can just get through this."

izvući ću se iz ovoga."

And I always say to them, "You may get through it,

I uvijek im kažem, "Možda ćeš se izvući,

ali nikad više nećeš imati 37 godina.

but you'll never be 37 again.

Life is short, and that's a whole year you're talking about giving up.

Život je kratak, a to je cijela godina koje se misliš odreći.

Think it through."

Dobro promisli."

It's a strange poverty of the English language,

Čudno je to siromaštvo engleskog jezika

and indeed of many other languages,

i mnogih drugih jezika

that we use this same word, depression,

zbog koje koristimo istu riječ, depresija,

to describe how a kid feels when it rains on his birthday,

da opišemo kako se dijete osjeća

kad na njegov rođendan pada kiša

and to describe how somebody feels the minute before they commit suicide.

i da opišemo kako se netko osjeća

minutu prije no što počini samoubojstvo.

People say to me, "Well, is it continuous with normal sadness?"

Ljudi me pitaju je li depresija na istom kontinuumu kao tuga.

And I say, in a way it's continuous with normal sadness.

Odgovaram da na neki način jest dio istog raspona.

There is a certain amount of continuity,

Postoji određena količina kontinuiteta,

but it's the same way there's continuity

isto kao što postoji kontinuitet

between having an iron fence outside your house

između toga da vaša željezna ograda

dobije nekoliko hrđavih točkica

that gets a little rust spot

that you have to sand off and do a little repainting,

koje trebate izbrusiti i prebojiti,

and what happens if you leave the house for 100 years

i onoga što se dogodi ako kuću napustite na 100 godina

and it rusts through until it's only a pile of orange dust.

i ona toliko zahrđa da postane samo hrpa narančaste prašine.

Ta narančasta prašnjava mrlja je problem kojeg pokušavamo riješiti.

And it's that orange dust spot,

that orange dust problem,

that's the one we're setting out to address.

Onda ljudi kažu,

So now people say,

"Sad kad uzimaš tabletice za sreću, jesi li sretan?"

"You take these happy pills, and do you feel happy?"

And I don't.

Nisam.

But I don't feel sad about having to eat lunch,

Ali nisam tužan zato što moram ručati,

and I don't feel sad about my answering machine,

ni zbog telefonske sekretarice,

and I don't feel sad about taking a shower.

ni zbog toga što se moram istuširati.

I feel more, in fact, I think,

Zapravo, mislim da osjećam više

because I can feel sadness without nullity.

jer mogu osjećati tugu bez ništavnosti.

I feel sad about professional disappointments,

Tužan sam zbog poslovnih razočarenja,

about damaged relationships,

narušenih odnosa,

about global warming.

globalnog zatopljenja.

Those are the things that I feel sad about now.

To su stvari zbog kojih sam sada tužan.

And I said to myself, well, what is the conclusion?

I zapitao sam se koji je zaključak.

How did those people who have better lives

Kako su se ljudi koji imaju bolje živote

even with bigger depression manage to get through?

čak i uz veću depresiju uspjeli izvući?

What is the mechanism of resilience?

Koji je mehanizam otpornosti?

And what I came up with over time

S vremenom sam dokučio

was that the people who deny their experience,

da neki ljudi negiraju svoje iskustvo, pa kažu:

and say, "I was depressed a long time ago,

"Davno sam bio depresivan i ne želim o tome razmišljati,

I never want to think about it again,

I'm not going to look at it

neću se za time osvrtati i jednostavno ću nastaviti živjeti".

and I'm just going to get on with my life,"

ironically, those are the people who are most enslaved by what they have.

Ironično, upravo ti ljudi najviše robuju tome što imaju.

Shutting out the depression strengthens it.

Potiskivanje depresije samo je jača. Dok se skrivate od nje, ona raste.

While you hide from it, it grows.

A ljudi koji se oporave

And the people who do better

are the ones who are able to tolerate the fact that they have this condition.

oni su koji mogu podnijeti činjenicu

da imaju tu bolest.

Oni koji mogu podnijeti svoju depresiju oni su koji postanu otporni.

Those who can tolerate their depression are the ones who achieve resilience.

So Frank Russakoff said to me,

Tako mi je Frank Russakoff rekao,

"If I had a do-over, I suppose I wouldn't do it this way,

"Da mogu sve ponoviti, vjerojatno to ne bih učinio ovako,

but in a strange way, I'm grateful for what I've experienced.

ali na neki neobičan način zahvalan sam zbog toga što sam proživio.

I'm glad to have been in the hospital 40 times.

Drago mi je što sam bio u bolnici 40 puta.

To me naučilo puno o ljubavi,

It taught me so much about love,

and my relationship with my parents and my doctors

a moj odnos s roditeljima i liječnicima

has been so precious to me, and will be always."

bio je i uvijek će mi biti dragocjen.

And Maggie Robbins said,

Maggie Robbins je rekla,

"I used to volunteer in an AIDS clinic,

"Volontirala sam u klinici za AIDS.

and I would just talk and talk and talk,

Tamo sam pričala i pričala,

and the people I was dealing with weren't very responsive, and I thought,

a ljudi s kojima sam radila nisu baš uzvraćali.

Mislila sam kako to od njih nije baš lijepo ili pristojno.

'That's not very friendly or helpful of them.'"

(Laughter)

"And then I realized,

Onda sam shvatila

I realized that they weren't going to do more

da oni i neće učiniti više od tih prvih nekoliko minuta ćaskanja.

than make those first few minutes of small talk.

It was simply going to be an occasion

To će jednostavno biti situacija u kojoj ja nemam AIDS i ne umirem,

where I didn't have AIDS and I wasn't dying,

but could tolerate the fact that they did

ali mogu podnijeti činjenicu da ga oni imaju i da umiru.

and they were.

Our needs are our greatest assets.

Naše su potrebe naša najveća dobra.

Ispostavlja se da sam naučila davati

It turns out I've learned to give all the things I need."

sve ono što je meni potrebno.

Valuing one's depression does not prevent a relapse,

Dati vrijednost svojoj depresiji

ne sprječava njezino ponavljanje,

but it may make the prospect of relapse

ali može tu mogućnost,

and even relapse itself easier to tolerate.

pa čak i samo ponavljanje, učiniti podnošljivijim.

Ne radi se toliko o tome da joj nađete neko veliko značenje

The question is not so much of finding great meaning

and deciding your depression has been very meaningful.

i odlučite da je depresija imala smisla.

It's of seeking that meaning and thinking, when it comes again,

Radi se o traganju za smislom i svijesti da će kad se opet pojavi,

"This will be hellish, but I will learn something from it."

biti pakleno, ali barem ćete nešto naučiti iz nje.

I have learned in my own depression

Iz vlastite depresije naučio sam

how big an emotion can be,

koliko emocija može biti velika,

how it can be more real than facts,

kako može biti stvarnija od činjenica

i otkrio sam da mi je to iskustvo

and I have found that that experience

has allowed me to experience positive emotion

omogućilo da pozitivne emocije doživljavam

in a more intense and more focused way.

intenzivnije i usredotočenije.

The opposite of depression is not happiness,

Suprotnost depresiji nije sreća, nego vitalnost,

but vitality,

and these days, my life is vital,

a ovih je dana moj život vitalan,

čak i kad sam tužan.

even on the days when I'm sad.

I felt that funeral in my brain,

Osjetio sam taj pogreb u svom mozgu

and I sat next to the colossus at the edge of the world,

i sjedio pored gorostasa

na rubu svijeta

and I have discovered something inside of myself

i otkrio sam

nešto u sebi

that I would have to call a soul

što moram nazvati dušom,

that I had never formulated until that day 20 years ago

što nikad prije nisam imenovao do tog dana prije 20 godina

when hell came to pay me a surprise visit.

kad me pakao iznenada posjetio.

I think that while I hated being depressed

Iako sam mrzio biti u depresiji

and would hate to be depressed again,

i mrzio bih da se ponovo pojavi,

I've found a way to love my depression.

našao sam način da zavolim svoju depresiju.

I love it because it has forced me to find and cling to joy.

Volim je jer me natjerala

da pronađem radost i držim je se.

I love it because each day I decide,

Volim je jer svakog dana odlučim

sometimes gamely,

ponekad punim srcem,

and sometimes against the moment's reason,

a ponekad usprkos trenutnom osjećaju

to cleave to the reasons for living.

da se držim onoga za što vrijedi živjeti.

And that, I think, is a highly privileged rapture.

A to smatram vrlo dragocjenim zanosom.

Hvala vam.

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)