Megan Washington: Why I live in mortal dread of public speaking

譯者: Harry Chen 審譯者: Joyce Chen

I didn't know when I agreed to do this

當我答應來 TED 演講的時候，

whether I was expected to talk or to sing.

我不知道我應該要用講的？還是用唱的？

But when I was told that the topic was language,

不過當他們告訴我 講題是關於「語言」之後，

I felt that I had to speak about something for a moment.

我覺得我得要花些時間 來講一件事。

I have a problem.

我有一個毛病，

It's not the worst thing in the world.

不是最糟糕的那一種，

I'm fine.

我很健康，

I'm not on fire.

這不是什麼十萬火急的事，

I know that other people in the world

我知道世上其他人

have far worse things to deal with,

有比我更嚴重的毛病得治療。

but for me, language and music are

但對我來說，語言和音樂，

inextricably linked through this one thing.

跟我這個毛病密不可分。

And the thing is that I have a stutter.

這個毛病就是：我講話會結巴。

It might seem curious given that I spend

這聽起來一定讓人猜不透，

a lot of my life on the stage.

因為我有很豐富的舞台經歷，

One would assume that I'm comfortable

大家一定以為我可以很自在的

in the public sphere and comfortable here,

在公眾場合、以及在這裡

speaking to you guys.

對你們演說。

But the truth is that I've spent my life up until this point

但實情是，我這輩子截至目前，

and including this point, living in mortal dread

甚至此刻也不例外，上台說話

of public speaking.

都令我恐懼得要命。

Public singing, whole different thing. (Laughter)

上台唱歌嘛，那完全是另一回事。（笑聲）

But we'll get to that in a moment.

這個待會兒再說。

I've never really talked about it before so explicitly.

我以前從不曾這麼仔細地討論我的毛病，

I think that that's because I've always lived in hope

我想是因為我一直抱著希望，

that when I was a grown-up,

希望我長大以後，

I wouldn't have one.

這毛病就會消失了。

I sort of lived with this idea that when I'm grown,

我好像一直以為等到我長大後，

I'll have learned to speak French,

我就會學會說法語；

and when I'm grown, I'll learn how to manage my money,

長大後，我就會學好如何理財；

and when I'm grown, I won't have a stutter,

而且長大後，我說話就不會再結巴，

and then I'll be able to public speak and maybe be the prime minister

然後我就有能力公開演說， 然後可能成為首相，

and anything's possible and, you know.

然後任何事都有可能，你們知道的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I can talk about it now

所以，我現在能夠公開談論它，

because I've reached this point, where —

是因為我已經到了一個階段了——

I mean, I'm 28.

我是指，我 28 歲了，

I'm pretty sure that I'm grown now.

我非常確定自己算是已經長大了吧。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I'm an adult woman

而我是一個成年女性，

who spends her life as a performer,

以表演為職業，

with a speech impediment.

但是我有語言障礙。

So, I might as well come clean about it.

所以，我還是把問題說清楚吧。

There are some interesting angles to having a stutter.

講話結巴，以某些角度來看 還挺有趣的，

For me, the worst thing that can happen

對我而言，最可怕的事情

is meeting another stutterer.

就是碰到另外一個講話也結巴的人。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

This happened to me in Hamburg, when

我在德國漢堡時就發生過。

this guy, we met and he said,

有個男生，我跟他碰面，而他說：

"Hello, m-m-m-my name is Joe,"

「你好，我‧我‧我‧我‧我是喬！」

and I said, "Oh, hello, m-m-m-my name is Meg."

我就說： 「噢，你好，我‧我‧我‧我‧我是梅！」

Imagine my horror when I realized

你們想想我當時有多害怕，

he thought I was making fun of him.

因為我發現他以為我在嘲笑他。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

People think I'm drunk all the time.

人們常常誤以為我喝醉了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

People think that I've forgotten their name

人們也會以為我忘了他們的名字，

when I hesitate before saying it.

因為我要叫名字之前都會停頓。

And it is a very weird thing, because

而這點很奇怪，因為

proper nouns are the worst.

專有名詞最容易讓我結巴。

If I'm going to use the word "Wednesday" in a sentence,

假如我要在一個句子裡講到「星期三」，

and I'm coming up to the word,

而在我快要講到「星期三」的時候，

and I can feel that I'm going to stutter or something,

我就能感覺到我快要結巴了，

I can change the word to "tomorrow,"

我會把「星期三」改講成「明天」，

or "the day after Tuesday,"

或者是「星期二再過去的那天」，

or something else.

或者就是其他字眼。

It's clunky, but you can get away with it,

這樣子很拙劣， 不過你可以避免口吃，

because over time I've developed this

因為長期下來我發展出這個

loophole method of using speech

在說話時鑽漏洞的方法，

where right at the last minute you

是在你快要講到那個字前的最後一刻，

change the thing and you trick your brain.

改變用字，騙過你的大腦。

But with people's names, you can't change them.

但是碰上人名， 你就不能亂改了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

When I was singing a lot of jazz,

我以前唱過很多爵士樂，

I worked a lot with a pianist whose name was Steve.

當時我常跟一位叫史帝夫的鋼琴師合作。

As you can probably gather,

你們可能已經從我講話聽出來，

S's and T's, together or independently,

s 和 t ，無論放在一起或是分開發音

are my kryptonite.

都是我的死穴。

But I would have to introduce the band

但是我必須要在不斷重複的間奏中，

over this rolling vamp,

介紹我的樂團成員。

and when I got around to Steve,

當我介紹到史帝夫的時候，

I'd often find myself stuck on the "St."

我常發現自己就卡在 St 這裡，

And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable and it totally kills the vibe.

現場就有點尷尬、難堪， 而且熱烈的氣氛都被破壞了。

So after a few instances of this,

所以經過幾次這樣的情形之後，

Steve happily became "Seve,"

史帝夫欣然接受了新名字「席夫」，

and we got through it that way. (Laughter)

我們就這樣過關了。（笑聲）

I've had a lot of therapy,

我曾經接受多種治療，

and a common form of treatment is to use

其中有種很常見的療程，

this technique that's called smooth speech,

是一種技巧，叫「流暢說話」。

which is where you almost sing everything that you say.

就是你把所有想講的事 幾乎是用唱的唱出來，

You kind of join everything together in this

（演唱）你好像把句子組織起來，

very singsong, kindergarten teacher way,

用這種唱歌的語調，像幼稚園老師在講話，

and it makes you sound very serene, like you've had lots of Valium,

讓妳聽起來非常平靜， 好像你嗑了很多鎮定劑一樣，

and everything is calm. (Laughter)

然後一切都好祥和。（笑聲）

That's not actually me.

這並不是真正的我，

And I do use that. I do.

而我真的有在用這個技巧，真的，

I use it when I have to be on panel shows,

在我必須上談話性節目的時候、

or when I have to do radio interviews,

或是接受電台訪問的時候， 都會用這技巧，

when the economy of airtime is paramount.

因為電台轉播每次都搞得分秒必爭。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I get through it that way for my job.

在工作上，我用這方法讓自己逃過一劫，

But as an artist who feels that their work

不過身為表演者，都覺得自己的作品

is based solely on a platform of honesty

必須要建立在坦誠的基礎上，

and being real,

而且要真實，

that feels often like cheating.

所以用這種技巧，感覺好像在騙人。

Which is why before I sing, I wanted to tell you

所以在我唱歌之前， 我要告訴你們

what singing means to me.

唱歌對我而言，意義是什麼。

It's more than making nice sounds,

其意義絕不只在發出好聽的聲音，

and it's more than making nice songs.

意義也絕不只在做出好聽的歌曲，

It's more than feeling known, or understood.

意義不僅限於那種被認識、被瞭解的感受，

It's more than making you feel the things that I feel.

意義不只是要讓你們 對我的感受起共鳴。

It's not about mythology,

這並不是神秘的事，

or mythologizing myself to you.

我也不會故弄玄虛的呈現自我。

Somehow, through some miraculous

不知道為什麼，某種奇蹟般的

synaptic function of the human brain,

人類大腦突觸作用下，

it's impossible to stutter when you sing.

人在唱歌的時候，是不可能結巴的。

And when I was younger, that was a method of treatment

在我小時候，唱歌是一種治療結巴的方法，

that worked very well for me,

這方法對我非常有效，

singing, so I did it a lot.

也就是唱歌。所以我常常唱歌。

And that's why I'm here today.

這就是我今天在這裡的原因。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

Singing for me is sweet relief.

唱歌對我來說是很棒的紓解，

It is the only time when I feel fluent.

那是我唯一感覺到口齒流利的時刻。

It is the only time when what comes out of my mouth

只有在唱歌時，從我口中出來的東西，

is comprehensively exactly what I intended.

才完全是我確切想表達的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I know that this is a TED Talk,

所以我知道這是一場 TED 「演講」，

but now i'm going to TED sing.

不過現在我要來 TED「演唱」了。

This is a song that I wrote last year.

這是我在去年寫的歌，

Thank you very much. Thank you.

非常謝謝大家。謝謝！

(Applause)

（掌聲）

(Piano)

（鋼琴演奏）

♪ I would be a beauty ♪

♪ 我會成為個美人兒 ♪

♪ but my nose ♪

♪ 不過我的鼻子 ♪

♪ is slightly too big ♪

♪ 對我的臉來說 ♪

♪ for my face ♪

♪ 有一點太大了 ♪

♪ And I would be a dreamer ♪

♪ 我會成為一位夢想家 ♪

♪ but my dream ♪

♪ 但是我的夢想 ♪

♪ is slightly too big ♪

♪ 對這個世界來說 ♪

♪ for this space ♪

♪ 有一點太大了 ♪

♪ And I would be an angel ♪

♪ 我會成為一名天使 ♪

♪ but my halo ♪

♪ 但是我的光環 ♪

♪ it pales in the glow ♪

♪ 相較於你高雅的光芒 ♪

♪ of your grace ♪

♪ 變得黯淡了 ♪

♪ And I would be a joker ♪

♪ 我會是撲克牌裡的鬼牌 ♪

♪ but that card looks silly when you play ♪

♪ 但這張牌，在你打出你的紙牌 A 時 ♪

♪ your ace ♪

♪ 卻看起來如此傻氣 ♪

♪ I'd like to know ♪

♪ 我想要知道 ♪

♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪

♪ 在地獄裡有星星嗎？♪

♪ And I'd like to know ♪

♪ 還有我想要知道 ♪

♪ know if you can tell ♪

♪ 你是否明白 ♪

♪ that you make me lose everything I know ♪

♪ 你讓我失去了我所知道的一切 ♪

♪ That I cannot choose to or not let go ♪

♪ 我連選擇是否放手的餘地都沒有 ♪

♪ And I'd stay forever ♪

♪ 我想要永遠留下來 ♪

♪ but my home ♪

♪ 但是我的家 ♪

♪ is slightly too far ♪

♪ 離這個地方 ♪

♪ from this place ♪

♪ 有一點太遠了 ♪

♪ And I swear I tried to ♪

♪ 我發誓，我總試著 ♪

♪ slow it down ♪

♪ 放慢自己 ♪

♪ when I am walking at your pace ♪

♪ 因為我想學你緩步徐行 ♪

♪ But all I could think ♪

♪ 但當我在城市間漫步時 ♪

♪ idling through the cities ♪

♪ 腦裡所想的一切 ♪

♪ do I look pretty in the rain? ♪

♪ 就是我在雨中看起來漂亮嗎？♪

♪ And I don't know how someone ♪

♪ 除了你，我不知道還有誰 ♪

♪ quite so lovely ♪

♪ 這麼的惹人愛 ♪

♪ makes me feel ugly ♪

♪ 讓我感覺到自己這麼醜陋 ♪

♪ So much shame ♪

♪ 這麼的羞愧 ♪

♪ And I'd like to know ♪

♪ 我想要知道 ♪

♪ Are there stars in hell? ♪

♪ 地獄裡面有沒有星星？♪

♪ And I'd like to know ♪

♪ 我想要知道 ♪

♪ know if you can tell ♪

♪ 是否你能明白 ♪

♪ that you make me lose everything I know ♪

♪ 你讓我失去了我所知道的一切 ♪

♪ that I cannot choose to or not let go ♪

♪ 我連選擇是否放手的餘地都沒有 ♪

Thank you very much. (Applause)

非常謝謝大家。（掌聲）